I had a meltdown tonight.
In cleaning out my closets earlier today, a
single silk dress became a glaring symbol of my epic failure at weight loss and
maintaining my physical health. A bridesmaid’s dress that I wore in a friend’s
wedding when I was 5 months pregnant with Nolan. Granted, it was a bit tight at the time,
as I had ordered it before I even found out I was pregnant and hadn't
anticipated being 5 months along at the time of the wedding. ...as I was going through
and putting together a donations pile, I pulled this dress from my closet and
tried it on. I couldn’t even zip it all the way. It barely fit over my hips.
...then I had to just go take a nap. I couldn’t
even think about how much I had failed myself.
I drank a little too much last night and was
feeling particularly old and hangovery today and didn’t go run my errands
earlier in the day as I normally would have. I headed to the grocery store with
Nolan around 5:30pm. We didn’t get home until nearly 7pm. I was already kind of
out of it and frustrated with him; he didn’t have a nap and was starting to get
pretty fussy and ornery. Then here came Mike to help me with the groceries… except really
to question me about our 10-year-old's Bio Dad buying him a TV for his room. I
knew Bio Dad had a bought a TV - but I thought it was for his house, not
ours. I had no idea that while I was at the grocery store, Bio Dad had brought
this television home along with James and installed it in his room. I went to
talk to James about it and he got very dramatic and wouldn’t even look at me
and I kind of lost it. I smacked my hand on the table and told him to look at
me while I was speaking to him -- then Nolan tried to go shooting out the front
door, and I grabbed him and he started flipping out, and then Mike is
telling me to take a break… I went upstairs and slammed a few doors (because
I'm 12) and took some deep breaths.
I’m still angry. I still don’t even really know
why I’m angry. Maybe because of the TV miscommunication? Maybe because I’m
angry at myself for getting/being so fat?
That’s certainly part of it… I almost skipped
dinner because I thought to myself, “A fat fuck like you doesn’t need to eat
any dinner anyway.” But I’m not sure if I really believe that - I’m just being
dramatic with myself.
I feel so far away from where I was a few years
ago with my motivation to be strong and healthy… I don’t even know how to get
back there. It all seems too overwhelming. And then I get discouraged, because
last year I was so active, but I gained so much weight. And I
know a big piece of that was not tracking food… but does that mean I have to
track food for the rest of my life? And if not, does it mean that any time I
get sad or stressed out I can expect to pack on thirty pounds while I figure it
all out? I surely hope not.
This morning I realized I haven’t weighed myself
in almost a month… and at first I thought, “Well, because I don’t really care
about my weight right now.” But I don’t think that’s actually true at all. I
think I don’t want to see that number because it overwhelms me and destroys me
and makes me feel like I’ll never “get it together” - whatever the fuck it even
means to “get it together.”
All the clothes I had to put in the donation
pile today… things I’ve been holding onto for over a year because they’ll fit
“in a few months” and the continuing disappointment of continuing to gain
pounds and inches… the fact that I’m wearing men’s large shirts and sweaters
because women’s clothing doesn’t even fit me right anymore… the fact that some
of those men’s shirts are extra-large… I feel completely out of control. I
don’t feel good about myself. And maybe I shouldn’t define myself by what I
look like or how fat or thin I am - but it bothers me. And maybe that’s a
societal thing and I shouldn't feel pressured to be any certain size or shape,
but then I think "fuck that" because I do not feel good right now.
And that is real. I feel tired, uncomfortable, and like I'm not
physically capable of doing lots of things that I enjoy doing. And those things
have nothing to with my weight or my body shape or the size of my pants. I want
to enjoy my life and be able to move in the ways that I enjoy without feeling
like it's killing me, and the reality is to do that, I either need to pack on a
crap-ton of muscle to haul this over-200-pound body around, or I need to shed
some fat. Honestly, I want both. ...except when it comes to the actual
execution of a plan to get me there.
I'll work it out. Maybe. Someday.
...boy, we just kind of jumped right back into
it all, didn't we folks? Ha.
I completely get where you're coming from, Jess. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I recently joined a gym that basically controls your entire workout (you just have to schedule your classes and show up) because I kind of feel incapable of doing that on my own right now. They are also doing a weight loss challenge where you submit your food logs and everything. If not for that, I'm pretty sure I would not be eating healthy or working out at all right now. I told myself last year I would be in great shape when I turned 30. Instead, I am the heaviest I've ever been. I have been feeling completely overwhelmed by getting on a healthy food plan and working out. I had a day last week where I felt like I didn't even know what healthy eating was anymore. Like my relationship with food, low carb, low calorie, etc has gotten so warped that I don't know what normal is. Right now I guess I'm going through the motions, but mentally I'm nowhere near a place that can be sustained as a healthy lifestyle instead of a diet. So unless that changes, I'm doomed to repeat history and gain any weight I lose back (and probably more).
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the point of writing all this is (maybe this means I need to restart MY blog!) other than to let you know you're not alone. Have you ever gone to a nutritionist to have them help you construct some kind of plan that would work, but also be sustainable for you? I've considered it, but not sure I can afford to do it right now. But maybe doing something like that would make you feel like you're not so alone in your "struggle" and would make it feel a little less overwhelming.
Keep your head up. I hope things start looking up soon.
Thanks for the support, Em. I'm sorry you're in a rough spot, too! I feel you on the food relationship thing -- that was a BIG part of this gain over the last year. I was fixing my relationship with food and am finally at a point where I know what I need to eat to fuel my body - it's the portion control. I tend to overeat when I'm stressed, which lately feels like ALL the time. My biggest indulgence is alcohol - and a few beers can so easily put me over my calorie deficit on any given day.
DeleteI haven't ever met with a nutritionist or dietician - mostly because of cost and my shitty insurance doesn't cover anything like that. I know what I need to do, it's just convincing myself to actually do it! We're all our biggest enemy, aren't we?
I also wonder all the time if I just slept more if my hormones would level out and it would make weight loss easier. ...but, of course, who wants to sleep when you can socialize and drink and have fun?! Lol
I'm hoping as the weather warms up here (and all this crazy amount of snow melts!), I can get back to running regularly and get settled into a place of habit that can pull me through next winter so I don't continue the gain/loss cycle.
We can offer each other some emotional support and accountability along the way! <3
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