A Quick Ramble

I know I keep saying I'm working on a real post.. and I am.. it's just taking some time. I'm feeling very ADD lately and can't seem to keep on track, plus work has been a living hell. I'm beginning to feel like I'll never be un-busy again... and while if it was just a constant stream of tasks that made the day go by faster, that would be one thing. But instead it's been constant high-stress that's making me feel like I'm drowning in wretchedness.

That being said, I've been reading The Primal Blueprint over the last couple weeks and last night I realized something: I have to stop.

I have to stop "educating" myself. Not permanently, but I need to take a break. I'm getting so stressed out about doing the "right" thing, and I'm losing touch with doing the right thing for me.

A little insight into what Primal Blueprint is: it's essentially Paleo, but with a little more flexibility. You are encouraged to eat lots of good fats and all types of proteins and enjoy fruits and vegetables as much as you wish. Dairy and alcohol are used in moderation. The idea is to keep carbs between 50 and 150 grams a day, but that none of these should come from processed grains/sugars. Basically: cut out grains and junk because they spike your insulin and make you feel icky as well as make your body a prime breeding ground for sickness and disease if you aren't careful.

This all makes total sense to me. Fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar makes you fat. I feel like this is a pretty well-known fact at this point. But while it all makes total sense to me... I'm realizing I'm maybe not ready to give up my grains and processed junk food. And I don't have to be. I don't have to give those things up. Maybe someday I will be there, but I almost feel like since I got it in my head to give this primal eating thing a "try", I've been craving carbs and junk more than ever. What good does that do me?! It just makes me miserable!! And it's causing me to have somewhat of a binge/purge mentality. "If I eat this pizza and this bagel and this sugar cereal.. that's okay.. as long as I go run 3 miles tonight."

NO NO NO. A thousand times NO! Eat the pizza, eat the bagel, eat the sugar cereal IF you're hungry for it. Go run 3 miles IF you want to run 3 miles... not because you have to because of the stupid carbs.

I gotta just stop. I might need to quit tracking totally for a while. I know I've said this probably 100 times over the last several months, but seriously. I think it's starting to make me crazy. And I think I'm starting to want to have this "control" over my body and my diet because everything else is feeling so chaotic, and that's just not healthy.

August 3rd will mark my one year anniversary of logging food and exercise every day. And while there have been a few days here and there where not everything has been logged, those were few and far between. Even when I supposedly "took a break" from logging to try to get a handle on my total mental illness over it all -- I was still logging. Once I meet this one-year milestone, I am going to stop logging. I don't know for how long. I may set a date. I may start with my upcoming mini-vacation to see family in Arkansas. I'll be gone for four days. Four days, even if it's filled with restaurant food and beer galore, is not going to ruin 18 months of work. It's just not. It's a start.

*raises a glass (of water)* TO RECLAMING MY MENTAL HEALTH!!

Real quick...

I know I owe you all a real post... and I've had one coming together in my head for several days now... but for the moment I'll just leave you with this:

(all photos taken 7/8/2013 (c) copyright Jess vs Life)

I want to say that I'm unbelievably happy with these pictures. I look bangin' even with some whey protein bloat going on. One of these days I'll remember to take a morning body pic instead of a 9pm-post-workout-post-protein-shake pic.

I leave for the beach this week and that means one of two things:
1. I'll have free time to put together one or more decent blog posts
or
2. I'll completely ignore the internet and be busy doing beachy things

We'll just have to see how much it rains while we are there... ;)

And the years go by so fast...

It's July already. Half the year is over. How is this happening?! I feel like I'm living in warp speed this year...

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, you guys – but seriously. When am I going to get my shit together?

And surprise, surprise: I’m thinking about switching up my strength routine again. I started Stronglifts at the end of April and had some hiccups and do-over’s along the way. I’ve reached about the 2 month point, which seems to be where I start getting bored. Well, that’s happening. I’m also not progressing the way I would have liked (probably due to the amount of junk food I still eat), and am having a hard time keeping focused. Back in April when I essentially quit New Rules of Lifting for Women to switch to Stronglifts, I thought long and hard on what was making me do that. Was it that NROLFW was boring? Yes and no. It was mostly that I just didn’t want to dedicate 50-90 minutes of my evening to it 3 times a week… because it was kind of boring.

I’ve been sort of obsessing over this bodyweight training idea… it seems to be a very “big” thing right now in the MFP lifting community, and part of me is sitting here thinking, “What good does it do me to be able to bench press 100+ lbs if I can’t even do a single “real” push-up?” and the answer I keep coming back to is: it doesn’t do you any damn good at all, Jess. So, I’ve pulled a handful of beginner/intermediate bodyweight routines from the Great and Powerful Internet and am going to follow one or more of those for the next few weeks and see how that goes and see how long until I get bored.

I’ve kept up with my running intervals pretty well. I’m not always getting them in twice a week, but I’m getting regular walks in so that’s okay.

I talked about some subconscious stressors last post and those things are still issues, but mostly I think I’m getting too wrapped up in the small (minute, even) details of every aspect of trying to be “healthy” and so I’m constantly feeling like I’m not doing “enough”. That is ridiculous and needs to stop. Even as I type that I’m obsessing over whether or not I should have eaten that doughnut this morning. The answer is obviously “no”, as doughnuts offer almost no nutritional value whatsoever. But you know what? I haven’t eaten a doughnut in… a month? 2 months? I couldn’t even tell you. So is it really important? No. It’s not. And it was delicious. So there.

It may be my sort of crazy/delicate emotional state talking right now, but: I’m feeling like I may be on the edge of a diet/fitness breakdown. And by “breakdown”, I mean quitting. Everything. No calorie tracking, no exercising, no nothing.

That obviously accomplishes nothing but guaranteeing a longer period of depression and stress.

So my compromise to myself is that I’m going to stop stressing out about every little tiny thing and just focus on these principals:

• Be happy
• Be healthy
• Be active

Being happy means not beating myself up about every little slip-up, eating the damn doughnut if I really want it, and sometimes taking two or three rest days in a row to read a little extra/spend some time with the husband/visit with friends and family.

Being healthy means being conscious of what my emotional needs are at any given time and allowing myself the time and effort to take care of myself emotionally even if that may feel like it’s at the expense of my physical fitness (which it generally isn’t). It means being conscious of what I’m putting into my body and eating foods that make me feel good physically instead of emotionally. “Feed your body, not your belly.” Being healthy also means making sure I allow myself to get enough sleep, to say “no” to socializing if I’m not really up for it, and to regulate my alcohol intake which in turn will help regulate my cigarette intake.

Being active means keeping up with the exercise routines that make me happy and are enjoyable for me. If it starts feeling like I regularly have to force myself (outside of the normal moments of lacking motivation) to complete an exercise/workout/activity, then it’s time to reevaluate and maybe switch things up a bit. It also means just moving more in general – parking further out in the parking lot at the grocery store, getting up from my desk at work to just walk around the office real quick, getting lunch break walks in weather permitting, running around outside with my kids more often, etc. These are easy things that I’m already doing most days that definitely boost my mood and energy level.

You’ll probably notice I whittled my “Priorities” list down to simply two things: quit watching so much damn television, and get more sleep. The meal planning stuff I have down pretty well right now. I have a go-to dish list that I use in emergencies and my fridge/freezer/pantry are regularly stocked with the items used in those dishes.

Let’s revisit June Goals real quick:

• Take progress pics/measurements and weigh-in every 2 weeks – I have been decent about weighing in, not so good with pictures/measurements. I did measurements roughly about a week ago and I’m down a quarter inch on all torso measurements. Biceps/forearms/thighs/calves all stayed the same.
• Keep up with cardio twice a week – I’m a-okay on this. Doing run intervals once or twice a week and walking 3-4 times a week.
• QUIT SMOKING – putting pressure on myself to quit during a time of the year when I normally smoke the most was causing a ridiculous amount of stress and a seemingly never ending self-hate cycle. This is on the back-burner right now. Judge all you want in thinking this should be health priority numero uno, but it’s just not for me right now. Deal.

I’m happy to have my simplified goals for July. These may remain goals until I can calm myself and quit hyper-obsessing and stressing myself out. That doesn’t get me closer to my goals in any way.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday weekend! Happy belated 4^th!