Getting There/Changing Attitudes

This is me Monday night:

  

And some muscles, just for fun... look at my shoulders!!

I have no idea how much I weigh and I haven’t taken measurements in over 2 weeks – the last time I calculated body fat (also a couple weeks ago) I’d lost nearly 1% since March, putting me at 30.8% Estimated Body Fat. What I’m wearing isn’t incredibly flattering (especially the bra sweat), but my posture is getting so much better and everything is tightening up nicely. I can see a difference in my body, and I like it. I’m getting there – slowly, so very painfully slowly, but surely.

Here’s the weird part: I feel like I am epic failing in every aspect of my life lately, even though that is lightyears away from the truth and reality. The only goal for May that I haven’t accomplished is “Quit Smoking”. Everything else I’m succeeding in! I’m back on my lifting program (I even have Mike doing it with me now!) and I haven’t stepped on the scale since May 3^rd. I think getting away from the scale has been really healthy for me. It’s allowing me to focus so much more on my body composition changes, the fit of my clothing, feeling comfortable in my skin – the actual important stuff, instead of the bizarre fascination with one type of measurement. As far as the smoking… like I said last week, I’m not even trying. And I’m in this place of wondering if this is one of those things where it’s okay to give into the “I don’t wanna” for a while longer and let it all come naturally.

I also haven’t even attempted to cut back on my social drinking. Again, it’s the I-Don’t-Wannas. I keep thinking back to conversations about these things with my counselor last summer (who is no longer practicing anywhere I can find, and I feel like I NEED HER RIGHT NOW!!), and remembering her telling me to stop focusing so hard on things that aren’t real problems and trying to make them real problems. That I should just focus on being a healthy person emotionally and physically, and when I’m ready to not do something anymore I’ll know it and just… stop doing it.

Gee, that sure does seem logical, doesn’t it? Go figure.

I obviously can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for myself: I am in good health, I exercise regularly, and I eat my fruits and veggies like I’m supposed to (finally). I do eat junk food, but I try to stick with an 80/20 split between “clean” eating and “whatever I want to stuff my face with”. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s almost more important for me to focus on sleeping enough… if I could get a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep, I probably wouldn’t be on as much of a depression roller-coaster as I have been since Daylight Savings began.

…stupid Daylight Savings screwing up everybody’s body rhythms. I used to love you, DST!! You used to be good to me!!

Perhaps if I were getting enough sleep, my willpower and motivation levels would also be higher, hence leading to an easier time in breaking bad habits and controlling my vices – not to mention the other things I haven’t even mentioned such as: staying within my budget, getting back on track with meal planning, and keeping my house tidy.

It’s certainly something to think on. Unfortunately, it also takes willpower to make myself NOT stay up all hours of the night watching tv/drinking beer/smoking/hanging out with family and/or friends, and I seem to be severely lacking in this department currently. Once again, another blog post about all my “wishes” and needing to get my priorities straight and yet still having no progress and no answers!

Okay, that’s not entirely true. There I go again, dismissing my progress with my exercise and eating habits! We’ll call it Veruca Salt Syndrome. I want it ALL and I want it NOW. But that’s not how life works, is it folks? I guess it’s time to slow it down, stop bullying myself, be okay with where I am and really focus on the positives I’m continuing to accomplish and let those nasty automatic negative thoughts go back to their deep dark cave to rot.

Do you, Dear Readers, have a tendency to focus on the negatives and hang the positives out to dry? Do you sometimes make mountains out of molehills with your unhealthy habits?

Excuses, Excuses

I’ve mentioned once or twice about a couple friends who are currently “detoxing” from various things – whether that be smoking, drinking alcohol, junk-food, etc. I mentioned earlier this week that I had some serious thinking and prioritizing to do. I still do. I’m realizing more and more, though, that I make excuses for myself and I’m terrified to commit to anything with concrete boundaries. If you can’t bend the rules to make it work for the way I operate, than I’m not interested. I’m not sure if this is fear of failure, good old fashioned laziness, or fear of learning something about myself I’d just rather not know.

I keep thinking about doing my own little “detox”, but I keep finding reasons not to. For example, this is me: “Today I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work. I’m going out of town next weekend and will definitely want to go out for dinner and drinks… plus the long drive, I might need a cigarette to keep me awake. Hmm… okay, starting when I get back from out of town I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking!! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work either. My buddy’s birthday is coming up and I’m definitely going to want to drink some beers for that… and those are all my smoker friends, so I’m definitely going to want to smoke… hmm… okay, after THAT! 2 weeks! No smoking, no drinking! …oh. Wait. FOURTH OF JULY!! You can only celebrate freedom with BEER!! Okay, so – wait, no. Then vacation. Vacation with my in-laws. I may not survive vacation with my in-laws without beer. Also, it’s VACATION! HELLO!!”

…are we noticing a pattern here? Reading over that kind of makes me feel ooky. And by ooky, I mean, like, maybe I need to quit making beer such an important part of my social life.

I go back and forth with this. For example: I rarely drink to drunkenness. Getting drunk is not the purpose of my alcohol consumption. I like the taste of beer and wine and it also helps that its depressant effects act as a calming agent after a stressful workday or dealing with kid issues. I don’t drink every day, but rather 2-3 times a week and consume, on average, 2-3 drinks. There are definitely times where I will have more than that, but those times are few. I still responsibly take care of my children and go to my job like I’m supposed to…BUT… then when I think that I’m literally scared of the prospect of going for a few weeks without consuming a single alcoholic beverage because I couldn’t POSSIBLY attend any sort of social event without consuming ALCOHOL, I think: something is wrong here. If it’s not such a big deal and if I’m so responsible with it, then what’s the difference? Just drink a coke or something! Seriously. And that part kind of makes me hate myself a little bit and makes me feel like a giant hypocrite. It shouldn’t necessarily be about whether or not it’s a convenient time for me to do this – I need to just bite the bullet and make it happen. When I quit smoking in 2010 for a little while (gee, that stuck well, didn’t it?), I quit drinking for about 3 weeks in order help in that process. I still went out and had fun with my friends, I just drank soda instead of beer. It was no big deal except that everyone kept asking if I was pregnant! Lol

I’m not making any official announcement here or anything, as I know that the more pressure I put on myself the more likely I am to sabotage (see: Quit smoking goal for May), but this is something that’s in the works. So, Real Life Friends, if we go out and I’m drinking water or soda instead of beer, just leave it alone and let me do my thing.

The Month of Do-Overs!

I don’t know if it’s the proverbial “spring fever”, or what, but I seem to have taken a pretty massive fall off the fitness/eat-well wagon this month. First I had to mulligan my lifting program (which I now sort of have to do again just because I’ve decided to become a workday social butterfly), then I started just... not tracking half of what I would eat during the day, or forgetting to track everything but breakfast. I haven’t been eating very well. I totally quit planning dinner menus and shopping for those meals. I have been staying up much MUCH too late nearly every night, and though I’ve been walking more (yay cardio!) I’ve overall been pretty lazy about every other aspect of my life.

What happened??? Is this some kind of weird spring-time depression? Isn’t that sort of THE OPPOSITE of what spring is supposed to do for your mood?! *Googles*

…oh. Huh. Mayo Clinic says Seasonal Affective Disorder can happen in the Fall/Winter OR the Spring/Summer, just with slightly different symptoms. Weird.

Today is another Do-Over for me. Back to my lifting program, back to diligently tracking food, back to making the time to plan out what I’ll be cooking for dinners this week from what I already have stocked in the fridge/pantry.

I’ve had a lot of friends who have decided to do an overhaul of their bad habits and unhealthy lifestyle choices this month. It’s got me thinking a lot about myself and my vices and how I define myself by those vices. I’ve also found myself using the words “I wish” a lot lately. If wishes were fishes… but they aren’t. And there sure as hell isn’t some genie or fairy godmother or whatever-else-magical-mystical-creature-thing out there waiting to grant me all my wishes. I just need to commit to make the changes I am currently wishing for.

Some of the things on my “wish list” include:

1.       Quit smoking. FOR REALS. (I know I added this as a May goal, but I’m being honest with you: it ain’t happening thus far. I’m not even trying. NOT. EVEN. TRYING. It’s shameful.)

2.       Start looking forward to a Saturday morning workout instead of Friday night drinking.

3.       Make a chore schedule and just GET THAT SHIT DONE.

4.       Be diligent about meal planning and reign in the out of control grocery spending. (I have more to say on this in a minute.)

5.       Finish the damn Stronglifts program. It’s easy! It’s quick! IT WORKS! Just DO IT.

6.       Start running. Even if it’s just doing intervals for 15-20 minutes twice a week. Your heart will thank the hell out of you. Don’t feel like doing the run? Walk it out. Walking is just as, if not better, for you. Something tells me this may make it a lot easier to quit smoking as well.

I know I’m a big poo-pooer on cardio – because, honestly, if you’re ONLY going to do cardio and you’re going to do 1.5 - 2 hours (moderate to high intensity) or more of it a day, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Especially if you aren’t eating enough and/or enough of the right things (read: protein). Maintaining muscle mass is SO SO SO IMPORTANT. I can’t stress that enough. And if you’re doing a lifting routine that is legit circuit training, you’re getting the cardio and the strength in all at once. Almost every strength training program I’ve done or attempted to do was circuit training up until this point. I got my cardio in with my lifting and I’ve been spoiled. Stronglifts is about as opposite from circuit training as you can get, and I need to get some cardio in my life. Even if it means just walking – and that needs to be more than just 20 minutes on my lunch break a couple times a week (which is not to say this doesn’t count – it absolutely does). My body composition is changing like-whoa and I’ve lost another 1% of body fat since I did my last measurement at the end of March. That’s awesome and I’m proud of myself for that, but I also know that I could be working so much harder and not half-assing as much as I have been. I have some growing up to do and I need to really start thinking about what I want out of my life and getting my priorities straight just in general.

Now, speaking on the groceries: I’m not entirely sure if I’m being frivolous with my grocery money or if groceries have just gotten REALLY FREAKING EXPENSIVE. I’m thinking it’s a combo of both, but meal planning is going to save me money even if it’s just a few bucks and I need to get with it on that. Does anyone else feel like their grocery bills have skyrocketed lately even though you’re buying pretty much the same stuff you always have?

Mulligan

The bronchitis cleared up quicker than I thought it would, and I was able to get back to Stronglifts Monday of last week! I just started back at the beginning after nearly two weeks of no lifting thanks to schedule conflicts and sickness. Not too happy about it since I had planned it just perfectly to wrap my 12 weeks the Friday before we leave for the beach in July – now I’ll have that random rest week around week 10, which WILL be filled by a bodyweight workout substitute while we are beaching it up, but I didn’t really want to take a random rest week in there. Although, who knows? Maybe by the time I hit week 10 I’ll be happy for a rest week!

One thing I’m irritated with myself for: not completing all 3 training workouts last week. It was again a time/schedule issue. I did get plenty of cardio in with some laser tag action, but I still am feeling rather guilty about it. And on top of this I’m feeling totally fat. I don’t know if this is a hormonal deal or what, but I’m so over it. I keep bouncing back and forth between wanting to say “screw it” and just never exercising/calorie tracking again, and feeling like I should go crazy with the cardio to burn the extra calories just to shrink. I wish I liked cardio more. It definitely is something I feel I would benefit from doing more of – not just from a weight loss/fat loss standpoint, but just from a “hey, my heart will love me!” standpoint. Granted, I walk pretty regularly and run around with my kids and occasionally do things like go laser tagging, not to mention the running up and down the stairs while doing laundry, vacuuming, mopping, etc. while at home. These are all “cardio” activities. They count. But when I’m feeling “fluffy” and stalled, I immediately wish I could motivate to get up and go jog for 30 minutes in the mornings or evenings, or wish that doing some jumping jacks and high-knees could be fun for me. But, alas, these things are soooooooo boooooorrrring. My dad and I have been chatting about going to play tennis a few times a week in the evenings, but the weather here in Virginia has not been steadily warm enough to actually make this happen – plus I get to feeling a little guilty about this kind of stuff because then I feel like I’m not spending enough time with my children and husband… and then I feel more guilty because I feel like my husband can never can take his own health/exercise situation into consideration because he’s too busy supporting my attempt at a more active lifestyle.

Basically is all boils down to: life is hard. And it’s hard in the most stupid and First World ways. If we just lived NOT in modern society we wouldn’t have to exercise on purpose because our entire day would be filled with activity and manual labor. Plus there would be no junk food accessible for putting into my mouth.

…then again, there would also be no modern medicine… or tampons. These would be serious issues for me on a very real and understandable level.

I guess I will just continue to battle my mommy/wife guilt and do my best and stop trying to worry about the immediate result and focus more on the eventual result.

Maybe some of these feelings of fluffiness are stemming from last week being the first week of not stepping on the scale and maybe it is making me irritable. I wanna know. I WANT TO KNOW! But I’m not going to cheat on this. This is one thing I can just NOT cheat on… because obviously that whole “quit smoking” thing was a total joke, because I’m nowhere close. I’ve successfully cut back to “winter” smoker status in that I’m pretty much only smoking on the weekends or while drinking which equals not quite a pack a week… this is better than half a pack a day. But smoking is smoking regardless, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to just not do it. It’s like I’ll have to hermit myself away for a month with no socialization and no alcohol consumption in order to break the habit. Because that’s all it is: habit. There’s no physical addiction for me – it’s all about socialization and it feeling “fun” to smoke while having a drink.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

As you all may be able to tell, I’m in a bit of a negative place right now… this may have everything to do with not getting fully and for real back into my lifting routine which this may be adding to already-in-progress hormone craziness happening in my body as I come up on every girl’s favorite time of the month and this may also just be a totally legit feeling of frustration due to the overwhelming reality that is being your average 21^st century young working wife/mother. I’m just feeling a little jaded and guilty right now, I guess. And the only solution to that is to really think about it and figure what it is that’s bothering me and making me feel guilty and stop doing those things or change them in some way.

Looks like there may be yet even more personal revelation around the bend.

Stay tuned!

Oh, hello, May – where did YOU come from?

Official weight @ 04/26/2013: 189.8 lbs

And then: Official weight @ 5/3/2013: 190 lbs

I fully understand that it’s only .2 lbs, but I haven’t been able to exercise really at all (hence the lack of updates) for the last week and a half. My last workout was 4/24. I missed that Friday due to kids getting to bed late and general life-getting-in-the-way-ness. Saturday didn’t happen because my toddler refused to cooperate with his scheduled nap time. That night the hubby and I had plans to go out which I wasn’t willing to postpone or cancel for a workout. Monday night I went with my dad to see Gary Johnson speak in DC and didn’t get home until 10pm… Tuesday morning I woke up with a nasty case of bronchitis, which meant I could look forward to about a week (if not more) of no strenuous exercise thanks to my bronchial inflammation. So on top of all of this, I’ve been pretty diligent about my caloric intake ESPECIALLY since exercise hasn’t been happening for me… I would venture to say I may even run the risk of under-eating some days over the last couple weeks… and I reflect a .2 lbs gain.

GO HOME, SCALE, YOU’RE DRUNK!

I’m thinking about only weighing myself once a month in order to break this bipolar “I don’t need you – NO WAIT! I NEED YOU!” relationship I’ve been having with my scale lately. I mean, seriously, I just posted about how “I don’t care how much I weigh” because I know it’s always going to be right around the same number until I really start putting in the effort and dropping the fat… and, hell, even THEN it may STILL be the same damn number.

I’m feeling really good about the way I look, lately, and that is definitely what matters in the whole scheme of things. So, here we go, let’s just make it a goal:

Goals for May:

1. No weigh-ins until June 1^st
2. Get back on my lifting program (after I’m no longer sick, of course)
3. QUIT SMOKING

I used to blog about my smoking a lot (tracking how much I was smoking, etc.) and then I just sort of stopped. I obviously quit while I was pregnant with my youngest and I pretty much quit blogging at that time, too. I sort of reformatted once I started back up and that’s when I dropped the smoke-talk. I didn’t exactly plan to start back up after Nolan was born, but it happened. It would kind of come up here and there – like a couple months ago when I blogged about how I had almost completely quit and was smoking only a few cigarettes a week (down from a half pack to a pack a day). I kept pretty steadily with that “I’ll have one here and there” mentality… until the weather got nice. Spring/Summer is sometimes just the total bane of my fit/healthy existence, which seems totally bizarre. So I go from smoking, literally, maybe 4-5 cigarettes on a random Friday or Saturday night if I’m having drinks… to smoking half a pack a day again. Then I get bronchitis. Coincidence? I think not.

So now I’ve decided I need to just quit completely. A friend of mine is also quitting, so this way I can be healthier (and richer) while also supporting her in her efforts. It seems as good a time as any. I’m currently 3 days without a cigarette. However, this is not unusual for me, as I regularly will go days between cigarettes (especially if I’m not feeling well). Once we reach the 3 WEEK point? Then we’ll do a little happy dance. Tonight will be a major test as I’ll be drinking and visiting with one of my best friends who is currently visiting from out of town – and although there are a couple other smokers in the group, the majority of folks that will be at this gathering are non-smokers. Since I’m still hacking a lung from this bronchitis, I’m hoping it will be easy to avoid the urge to smoke. I’m trying to think of it this way: the more I smoke tonight, the longer it will take to get rid of the bronchitis, and the longer it will be until I can get back into my lifting routine – which of course means the longer it will be until I get my body looking the way I want it to.

Now to review April Goals:

1.  Keep active during rest week and start stage 2 of NROLFW
2. Get to bed at a decent time 7 days a week
3. Make more time for fitness with James

Number 1: we all know that I did a fairly decent job of taking walks and doing a couple other workouts during my rest week, but because it was well planned I feel like it didn’t go as well as I would have liked it, too – plus the emotional kick-back of not getting those lifting endorphins. I did start Stage 2 of New Rules and then promptly quit and began Stronglifts 5x5 instead. Now I’m on a forced sick rest. BOO.

Number 2: I am definitely getting better about not staying up until 3am nearly every weekend, but I haven’t improved quite as much as I would have liked to. I’ve rolled myself back about an hour, averaging about a 1:30am weekend bedtime… the flip-side of this is that I’m regularly staying up until midnight or later on work nights, as well. This means I’m keeping a similar circadian rhythm, BUT it also means I’ve gone from averaging close to 8 hours of sleep a night, to averaging closer to 6. No bueno. My priority, not just for this month, but here on out – is to shoot for 7 hours of sleep every night.

Number 3: This didn’t happen really at all, but not for lack of effort on my part. Now that the weather has warmed up James is outside playing with his friends daily. It’s not active/fitness time with ME, but it IS active/fitness time he’s getting that he wasn’t before. I’m taking this off the priority list for the time being. (ps – we did take a 2 mile walk together last week, during which he bitched and moaned the whole time.)

So that’s what’s going on with me. I’m still here, I’m still alive, I’m still taking lunch walks when I can and hoping to have a miraculous bronchial recovery and get back to lifting next week. How are you all of you doing out there in Reader Land? Does the warm weather bring up any bad habits for you?