Short Hiatus, Life Overhauls and Adventures in FitBit-ing

I can’t believe it’s been almost 10 days since my last update. I had so many things in my head that I wanted to write about and couldn’t find/make the time to sit down and type them out – so, poof! They’re gone! I should start toting a small notebook around with me to jot down ideas as they come to me… or I suppose I could just utilize that whole “notes” application on my iPhone.

For a while now months now I’ve been feeling like I need an overhaul on.. well.. my life. I posted a list of things I wanted to do/be/accomplish – I’m thinking now may be a good time to review those and see where I am.

Here were a few of the things from my list I posted:

1.       Get at least 7 hours of sleep nightly, and be in bed no later than 1am on weekends, midnight on workdays

2.       Plan meals for the week and shop for that menu

3.       Be more active in general

4.       Workout in the morning before work

5.       Spend Saturday mornings vacuuming/dusting/running laundry

6.       Save more $$

7.       Cut back on drinking/smoking

8.       Make more time for myself and doing the things I enjoy

Number 1: If I’m going to be honest with myself (and we’re all about honesty here – most of the time) the only thing on this list that I have really, truly, successfully accomplished is number 1. I regularly get 7 hours of sleep. 95% of the time I am in bed by midnight on work nights and 85% of the time I am in bed around 1am on weekends.

Number 2: I’ve been terrible at planning meals. There have been weeks here and there where I am on top of it and get it done, but mostly it’s a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type deal when it comes to dinner. The positive side: I have been regularly cooking and we order out maybe once a month these days, if that. That’s HUGE. We used to order pizza or Chinese at least once a week.

Number 3: I did really well on this at the end of the summer and into the fall. We were even occasionally getting lunch-time walks in once the weather turned colder. Then the holidays hit. On the weekends I do okay – lots of running up and down the stairs doing laundry and whatnot, but the week is pretty pitiful. Oh, and I pretty much quit exercising at the end of October. Because I’m awesome like that.

Number 4: This never happened. Not even once. Being able to get up at 6am to workout and shower before getting myself and my children ready for the day would require not being a social addict – ie: staying up until midnight drinking beer/wine and smoking while chatting with husband and/or various friends/family. HA! Fat  chance. I’m pretty depressed about this, actually. There’s just absolutely no reason other than total immaturity and selfishness that I can’t go to bed at 11pm and get up at 6am to do something good for my health, sanity, and body image. We’ll work on this.

Number 5: HA! Ha, I say! This falls along the same lines as number 4… only number 5 did at least happen a few different times. Nothing close to on-the-regular, mind you. Again it comes down to being willing to not make social time priority until the wee hours Friday nights in order to be able to get up and function on Saturday mornings.

Number 6: We are getting there. Slowly, but surely. We’ve cut back on eating out a LOT. I’m more conscious of my spending on groceries, and have cut back on going out to bars/restaurants for socialization quite a bit as well. We’ve had several new financial responsibilities pop up over the last 6 months, so nearly all of the money we’re saving on our cut-backs are being funneled to that – but a small portion does go into savings. This is a process, and I am definitely the biggest culprit when it comes to careless spending but I’m working hard every day to fix that.

Number 7: Since the weather has gotten significantly colder (and also since the baby got sick and then I got sick), it’s been easier not to smoke as much (7 cigarettes in the last week!). I’ve cut back on drinking compared to the summer. Again, not quite as fun to sit on your porch with a cold beer if it’s 28 degrees outside. I’m being much more responsible with it though.. slowly, ever so slowly, working toward those get-up-early goals listed earlier. Baby steps.

Number 8: ….  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!! No, but seriously. I need to get on this before I reach the point where my husband will have to have me committed. I feel like this will be so much easier to do once I start getting everything else in my life/home organized and in order. I won’t have to feel guilty about taking time for myself because I won’t have to worry that I’m leaving Mike behind with whiney, messy children and a pile of housework on top of it. I also need to dump the Mommy Guilt and realize that I cannot possibly be the best wife and mother I can be if I’m run ragged all the time. Truth?

So I guess it is safe to say I am still working on all of 8 things to do/be/accomplish. And those 8 things were just a sampling from the list I wrote out back in June. I don’t feel like I can/should add anything at this time. I’ll just work on mastering at least one other thing from the list, aside from the getting enough sleep. But I’m leaving that one on there because, even though I know 100% is not necessarily a realistic goal, I feel like I should at least be at 98% for work nights AND weekends. Maybe I should explore why I feel like I’m somehow “missing out” on fun things if I take care of myself by going to bed at a decent time. (Can we all say “issues”?)

Last week I procured an item which I believe will help and encourage me in my “being active” – I got a FitBit from a friend, and have been wearing it religiously since. I never realize how little I moved during the day until now. 10,000 steps a day.. yeah, nowhere close to that. Even on weekends. Eesh! It also tracks my daily calorie burn which has been EXCELLENT since I obviously am not a very active person. My average burn is around 2200 – this led me to the realization that I need to push my calories back down to 1800/day. So far so good. We’ll see what the scale says tomorrow. The only bad thing is that it can’t track things like weight lifting, for example. But I track that on MFP which is linked to my FitBit! Nice, eh?

Since we are reaching the end of the month, I will do a quick review of my December goals (spoiler alert: none of them were met):

• Focus on healthy eating - not an entire fail, but there were lots of sweets indulged in (and continue to be indulged in. C’MON JANUARY!!)
• Implement simplified fitness routine - *loud buzzer noise* FAIL
• Start doing yoga with James – I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for this one. Absolute and total fail and I think a lot of the issues we had with him this month could have been resolved by just making this happen, even if it had only been once or twice a week. *sigh*
• Get those burpees in for 100 burpee challenge – I did excellent on this for the first 15 days. Then the baby got sick. Then I got sick. Then Christmas happened. FAIL.

It’s okay. We aren’t just coming up on a new month, we are coming up on a new YEAR. I am still young, and still have plenty of time to seize my destiny!! A little dramatic? Perhaps. I'm hoping to really get a firm grasp on what it means to be a Real Live Adult in 2013. And, as always, I shall be spewing about that journey here. As sporadic as the spewing may be. Stay tuned!

Positive Thoughts

A good thing about losing weight slowly is: limited stretch marks.

Normally I would have them all over my hips and thighs. Not so this time around since I'm going at a snail's pace a slow, but steady pace.

Real update coming soon, Dear Readers. Have faith in me.

Priorites. I don't got 'em.

Soo-prise! Soo-prise!

Guess what didn’t happen last week?! 30 Day Shred.

Instead, on Thursday, I drank 4 glasses of Malbec and watched the meteor shower. Then Friday… I can’t remember what I did Friday. I think just sat in front of the tv. Saturday during the day I did Christmas baking and tried to get the house organized. Sunday… I did nothing. I thought about working out for a brief moment, and then decided a nap would feel better.

Priorities. PRIORITIES!

My Christmas treat splurges led to a 1 lb gain last week, as well. Pretty bummed about that. That week of being under 190 was pretty fantastic… but alas:

Official weight @ 12/14/2012: 191 lbs.

This week, the baby has been super sick. This also means I'm functioning on very little sleep. How little? Let's just say I seriously considered just doing 30 Day Shred at 3am the other morning.. just to "get it in". That would never be a good idea, and would only seem like a good idea when either a) totally drunk, or b) totally sleep deprived.

Some good news: I've only had 1 cigarette in the last going-on 4 days. I didn't make a conscious effort to quit, nor am I deciding to make any conscious quitting effort - but if I can get through this week/weekend without feeling the need to suck down half a pack of cigarettes while consuming alcohol, we'll go ahead and call it "success".

Another unexpectedly positive side-effect of baby sickness: I have eaten under 1800 calories all week. Which is honestly where I probably should be since I haven't been active, like, at all for the last 6 weeks. Almost all of those foods have also been healthy, whole foods. GO ME.

But seriously... I need Nolan to recover from this Dreaded Sickness. We're all miserable and exhausted and about to seriously lose our cool over some really superficial stuff. Me especially. I wanted to punch a wall when I realized someone had eaten the last hamburger bun today. I mean, I'm a pretty high-strung person, but that's pushing it even for ME.

I think I've reached this point where I'm pretty much just going to try to push through the Holidays without gaining 10 lbs, and pick back up that whole exercise thing after the New Year. Perfect time, right? If I get the random motivation to start 30 Day Shred between now and then, then so be it. But I'm tired of beating myself up over it when things are so busy and stressful. Part of this feeling is a bigger more helpless feeling that what I've gotten into here - but that's a whole other post which will probably go up later this week.

Stay tuned!

Thoughts and Prayers

I'm sure most of you have already heard, read, and seen all you can possibly take of the tragic events that happened on December 14th in Newton, Connecticut.

The only thing I will say here is: thoughts and prayers for all of the victims, families, and community of Newton. But, I would also like to say thoughts and prayers to Ryan Lanza, who has also lost two of his family members and is probably dealing with an unimaginable amount of anger and hatred toward him for his brother's actions.



For my own sanity, I will be returning to my regularly scheduled blogging after today. Life must go on, and I've spent the last three days mourning over this event.

Calipers and Estimated Body Fat %

I went ahead and purchased a body fat caliper this week. For $5 I figured “Why not?” and it’s a heck of a lot more accurate than trying to calculate on tape measurements alone.

Official Estimated Body Fat Percentage @ 12/12/2012: 32.5%

I will take it again January 1^st to get my beginning measurement for 2013 – the year during which I will meet my goal weight of 160 lbs. I hope to also reach my goal body fat percentage in 2013 – that number currently being 24%. 

Wednesday on my lunch break I went ahead and picked up 30Day Shred and am hoping to start it tonight. I use the word “hope” because Mike has a work function this evening until 8pm and so I will be in charge of getting both the children to bed. I was also in charge of this seemingly easy task last night, but when you have a child like James… few things in the world of parenting are easy. Mike went out to get a new suit jacket for this event tonight… he didn’t home until after 10pm. James’ bedtime is 8pm. We began our bedtime process with screaming and yelling a our first time-out right around 7:45… our last time-out finished just before 9:30… and the BILLIONS OF MILLIONS OF TRILLIONS of questions finally stopped shortly before 10.

*dies*

So I hope to start 30 Day Shred tonight – but this will only happen if I can actually get James to go bed when he’s supposed to go to bed. Because I’m not crazy enough to start a workout at 10pm. No thank you.

If all else fails, I’ll get it started Sunday or Monday. (Famous last words)

Halfway, Lazy Workouts

Yesterday I ate so many Christmas treats it was ridiculous. I had finished dinner and had barely any calories to spare, but this did not prevent me from indulging in the deliciousness that is Danish butter cookies.

You know the kind. They come in that delightful blue tin, you can only find them around this time of year. Pure. Heaven. Their only saving grace: they are made from real ingredients. No high-fructose corn syrup or partially hydrogenated soybean oil in these suckers. Just wheat flour (notice how I did not say “bleached” or “enriched”), butter, sugar, coconut, eggs, salt, baking powder and vanilla. I wish I could say the same for my other splurge: See’s candies. There is currently a three pound box of those evil things living in my office kitchen. I’ve been pretty good about only eating 3 or 4, and trying to go mostly with the DARK chocolate variety… but when you’re talking 210 calories of assorted chocolates a DAY. Well, that adds up. And even dark chocolate loses it's nutritional positives when it's filled with ooey, gooey, chewy, nutty yumminess inside.

Part of me feels like, “Hey, it’s the holiday season. It’ll be over in less-than-two-weeks. This is about the only time of year you really indulge on sweets. Give yourself this.” But then I remember that I can’t even give myself the “you earned this” excuse – because I haven’t earned it at all! I’ve been completely off my exercise routine for nearly 2 months now! Now, if I had been working really hard, keeping up with my routine, upping my weights, etc etc – YES. EAT THE CANDY. I would deserve this splurge! But I haven’t done any of that. I’ve been supremely lazy.

So I’m logging my calories, I’m realizing I will probably also have a beer or a glass of wine (or two) at my mom’s later in the evening and that will add a couple hundred more calories to my already almost-limit… and then, there it was, out of nowhere: an ever-so-slight glimmer of motivation to get off my butt and put down the cookies and go workout.

I started by banging out my 11 burpees for the day (SO. HARD.). I had to break them up into 2 sets, but I got them done. Then I sort of goofed off for a few minutes while I got James into the bath. But THEN I put my workout clothes on, headed to the basement, and thought to myself, “Today I start my simplified workout plan.”

…but I had left my phone upstairs. Which is where I have my notes for my simplified workout. And I was too lazy to go all the way back up to my bedroom to get it. Surely I could remember it – no big deal.

WRONG.

My brain doesn’t function as well as it did before birthing another child and then dealing with two children on a daily basis. Ie: I can’t remember anything. Ever.

So I did about 5 minutes of HIIT doing fast jumping jacks and then jogging in place for my “rest” – 30 seconds on, 15 seconds off. Sadly enough this made me feel like I was going to die. Then I followed that with 2 supersets of 10 squats/push-ups and then some abdominal work. I did a little stretching to wrap it all up, which made me realize I need to get on that yoga kick soon – my flexibility is so bad right now. All-told, I did about 20 minutes of vigorous exercise. Nothing to get too excited about. But at least I did it. I got it done. I didn’t really push myself (with the exception of the burpees and HIIT – all 7 minutes it took to do those things lol). Laziest. Workout. Ever. But at least I did something and I’m feeling those push-ups and abs a bit today which means it was enough to get things going again.

I’m super mad at myself for going so long because now it feels like I need to start all over. As much as I hate her, I’ve really been thinking about doing Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred. I’ve seen so many amazing results from some of my MFP friends, and the forums are full of 30 Day Shred success stories. Plus it’s a 5-6 days a week thing with workouts clocking in at around 20-25 minutes. Short workouts, combined with near-daily workouts might help me get better about “sticking with it”.

Or it could just be a waste of $6. They are on YouTube for free… but I have a really old computer with a small screen and would rather just “waste” my $6.

Who knows?!

Anybody out there tried the 30 Day Shred? Thoughts? Advice? 

Little Victories

Friday I stepped on the scale to see:

Official weight @ 12/7/12: 189.8 lbs

It’s not by much, but this is the first time I’ve been under 190 lbs since Fall of 2009. That’s 3 years. I’m pretty excited, especially after stalling in the 190’s for almost 6 months.

Non-Scale Victory: wearing my size 16 Gap jeans that at my goal weight were my “fat” pants, then became my “just fit” pants when I started gaining after my wedding. I haven’t been able to fit into these pants since late 2008/early 2009. Not only do they fit, but they fit comfortably. I’m feeling super stoked about this.

I hope all of this will act as motivation to work hard to eat clean more often. Aside from Taco Bell on Tuesday last week and a few minor splurges on Christmas treats, I did really well with my food choices. My Qdoba addiction is still strong, but I don’t feel like that is nearly as bad because it’s FRESH food at least – not total frozen processed crap… just a-little-bit-processed crap. lol

The 16 danish butter cookies last night may have been a little extreme... but they still fit into my calories for the day, amazingly enough. 

Here we are, the second week into December and I still can’t seem to get back on the exercise bandwagon. I’ve reached another “I don’t wanna” phase. And now I’m looking for the quick fix. I’m on the lookout to spend money I shouldn’t on workout DVDs, books, etc. Maybe it’s about me finding something fun I will actually stick with, but most of the time I think it’s just another Jess-starting-something-she’s-never-going-to-finish type thing. That seems to be the only thing I’m actually really excellent at: finding some project or goal, starting the process, and then quitting part of the way through.

I’m not doing so hot on the burpee challenge – on the weekends I always forget, and then the catch-up kills me. I had to do 17 on Sunday in order to catch up to the challenge day. I did 6 in the morning, and then could only get through 3 later in the day. I think 9 or 10 is where I tend to putter out. But you know what? I’m going to do those 10 every day until I can push to 11… maybe this challenge for me is more about seeing if I can just do burpees for 100 days – not necessarily being at a fitness level where I can bang out 100 burpees in one day.

I walked again at work today. I kept hearing how bad this winter was going to be since last winter was so mild, and, yes, we have already had some really bitter-cold, nasty days. But for the most part, it’s been pretty tolerable. This is good since these short walks on my lunch break are about the only activity I’m getting lately. Warm weather or not, the shorter daylight hours are killing me and my fitness routine. I’m proud for the small improvements I’ve made on my food choices and eating habits, but I know that exercise is an important piece to this lifestyle change, and I still stress over feeling like I’m almost a full year in and there’s no reason I shouldn’t/couldn’t have hit my goal weight by now. The only thing holding me back is me and my lack of willpower to make myself do what’s healthy and best for my body.

Speaking of stress – I put one of my priorities and goals for this month to do stress-relieving activity and to spend more time with James in doing those activities. I’ve done none of this so far and I am at an almost-constant boiling point. I’ve had more explosions and breakdowns in the last 2 weeks than I think I’ve had in the last two years with the exception of the 2 weeks during my pregnancy where depression hit me full force and I started counseling – and even that wasn’t as bad as this. Only this isn’t depression  so much as it is just outbursts of either anger or crying. In between I feel pretty okay, but it’s almost like anything can set me off. This just leads me back around to feeling like I need to just make myself exercise. I will feel so much better, my stress level will be much more manageable.

It’s almost like someone who’s bi-polar and won’t take their meds… you know it makes you feel better, you know it makes life easier, but you think somehow you can just be “normal” without it. And for me that is obviously not the case.

I’m hoping the new year will give me new hope and excitement to get this done. I won’t have a newborn baby, so there will no longer be that excuse. I’m hoping 2013 will bring lots of good changes for me and my life, but somehow I think the lengthening of daylight hours offers more relief and encouragement for good choices than anything else… and that is only 12 days away!

The Stress Toll

The piling and piling of stress that I didn’t even recognize as stress finally broke me on Monday, ending in a pretty pitiful mess of raging at my husband and saying terrible, mean things to him (…maybe that’s where James gets it from – not that he was there or anything!!), driving like a crazy woman as if I had a death wish, eating lunch alone at my mom’s house while crying into my burrito bol, and then finally going home to tearfully babble on and on about how I can’t do “this” anymore. What “this” is, I’m not entirely sure. I guess… everything, maybe?

It’s a pretty terrible place to be when you feel like you simply cannot “do it all” any longer. The realization that you never really could, were just sort of playing pretend at being a Real Live Adult, and that you have absolutely no tools to manage stress and depression while working full time, mothering full time, house cleaning full time, chefing (totally not a word) full time, taxiing full time - laundering, food shopping, schedule-keeping-up-with full time.

That’s like a 168 hour a week job…s.

It kind of makes me feel like I want to say: Fuck you, feminists. It didn’t work the way you thought it would. You wanted us (your daughters and granddaughters) to feel as if we COULD do it all… and now we are stuck in a world that tells us we SHOULD do it all. And by should, I really mean MUST.

Gone are the days where it was perfectly acceptable to expect one’s husband to be the sole provider for the family. My husband, personally, would have his feelings deeply hurt by that notion. As if it would take some miracle for him to possibly be able to handle the stress of being the only source of income for his family.

-.-

Do you see how sorry I feel for him? Can you FEEL my sorriness pouring through your screen? My OVERWHELMING SYMPATHY?!

Be a fucking man. There’s a reason it’s called “man-up” and not “woman-up”. You are the provider. You provide. It is what God intended for you. It is what biology designed you for. Quit being a whiney baby.

Oops. There I go, being mean again. Apologies.

This is not a “I should be able to stay at home if I want to” conversation, though. This is a “I do it all and I do it all all the time and am allowed to be upset about that once or twice a year when life is so overwhelming I just wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow” conversation.

I am allowed to feel feelings. And I deserve to be happy. The problem is: I have no idea what will make me happy.

I know coming home to a disaster of a home every night after work doesn’t make me happy. I know spending my evenings and/or my weekends making that home clean just so 24 hours later it will be destroyed doesn’t make me happy. I know having to squeeze in my grocery shopping at 9 or 10 o’clock at night or amid the madness of every other human being on the planet that does their grocery shopping at 10am on Saturday or Sunday morning doesn’t make me happy. I know staying up until midnight (or later) every night just to get some goddamn peace and quiet and then still getting up at 7 in the morning for work and/or my children doesn’t make me happy. I know cooking… makes me happy… but cooking the same 3 or 4 meals every week because the idea of trying to find an hour or two to actually plan out a menu and shop for that menu and then assume that my children would give me 45 minutes of peace after getting home in evenings in order to prepare the meals on that menu, none of which would ever happen – DOES. NOT. MAKE. ME. HAPPY.

Things that make me “happy” right now (I put these in quotes simply because they don’t make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork…I’m not sure if that really constitutes happiness):

-drinking lots of wine

-drinking lots of beer

-drinking lots of wine and beer

-sitting on my porch smoking cigarettes (so healthy)

-going out and being social, pretending as if I have no real responsibilities in life

-shopping (not for groceries)

These “happy” things are sad, sad happy things. Pitiful, sad happy things.

Part of me knows that if I would make a real effort to clean up my eating and do something physical daily, it would help to control these feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed - but when you're in the middle of all of that it seems a little hopeless. And to describe the intensity of the lack of motivation is nearly impossible. The lack of motivation is staggering.

Mike asked me the other night to really think on what would make me happy. That he would do anything he needed to do to allow me to do what makes me happy. But I don't know what that is. And I think about it, and it feels like all of the things I come up with are just really shallow and selfish things - and I think, those things won't really make me happy. It just seems like that would make me happy now because it's the opposite of everything I'm currently living.

So in feeling all of this, I called to schedule an appointment with my counselor... well, she apparently is not currently practicing. She's on an indefinite hiatus.

God must be testing me. This must be a trial to see how/if I can keep it together and not just lose my mind completely.

So on top of all of this crap, I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... the idea of facing the world was not an option. I worked from home, I hit from the world in my bed.. and I thought to myself, "This. This makes me happy." But that is definitely a lie. Being a big blob of do-nothing is not happiness. It's just having some time to myself... which I don't get much of out of either my own doings and because I live with 3 other people. So you know what I'm going to go do right now? I'm going to go take a shower. Because I can. Because right now there is no one else here that needs me to do something for them, or "watch this", or answer a billion questions. 

Little Gains

Official post-Thanksgiving weigh-in: 192.8 lbs

MFP no longer tells me I’ve lost 25 lbs… Because I logged my gain. Because I have to be accountable. Granted it was just a 1.6 lbs gain based on my official Friday morning weigh-in… and I am started my period this weekend which means water retention and probably some bloating… but I also know I’ve been seriously slacking not only with my exercise, but also with my eating habits. If you look at my MFP food diary, you’ll probably be slightly disgusted. I feel like I shouldn’t even pretend that I can give advice to other people on what they should be eating when I don’t even have the willpower to feed myself healthy foods. *so much guilt*

Tomorrow starts the 100 Burpee Challenge, and as I said in my previous post: at least there’s that. SOME kind of movement every day.

I am going to say on Monday I’ll begin my paired down exercise routine. I’d like to make a promise to myself and to my readers… but I won’t. Because I don’t care for breaking promises and my emotional health is a little all over the place right now which sometimes makes it impossible to focus on my physical health.

One thing that will be happening beginning Monday is: NO MORE LUNCHES OUT EVERY SINGLE DAY. Monday and Friday will be “lunch out” days, and all other will be eaten at home. I go to do some major grocery shopping on Saturday morning and Sunday night will be pre-preparing delicious meals to heat up for lunch during the week. This is the plan. I need to get it together, I need to make time. This needs to become a priority for me – not to mention the fact that cooking makes me feel so calm. It’s almost like meditation for me. I could use more meditation.

I did have a small victory today: I went for a walk at lunch. Even though it was only 50 degrees, and it only lasted for 10 minutes. 10 minutes is better than sitting on my butt all day. And it’s the most exercise I’ve gotten all week, so there’s that.

Well, I got distracted for a moment and lost my writing mojo, so I’ll end it here. But hey: 2 posts in one week ain’t bad, right? 

You Can't Ever Go Home Again

My goodness, you guys. It's been a helluva last 14 days... crap, I can't believe I waited so long to post. *sigh* I'm sorry.

So! Here we go, a recap on my last 2 weeks:

As I said in my most recent post, this year for Thanksgiving (since I wasn't busy popping out a baby) we went to Arkansas, where all my extended family is and/or gathers for the holidays. The time spent down there was wonderful. Being able to spend so much time with so much family is important to me, and it gave me a little bit of the break from work (and "real life" in general) that I was looking for and really needed. However, it felt like a short trip this time around even though it was only about a day less than usual, and the drive home was pretty nightmarish with a normally 7.5 hour drive, taking us close to 13 hours. 10 hours later it was time to get up and go to work/school/daycare for all of us!

Ugh.

I hadn't seen much of my extended family since Thanksgiving of 2010, and this year was a little strange for me. I don't know if it's because my stress level here in Virginia has been a bit higher this year or if I just am realizing that my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, or what - but I really had no desire to come back home. Seriously. Let my house, my job, my life, even my friends be damned. I just wanted to stay in Arkansas. Even though I couldn't honestly imagine actually living down there. Y'know, since I haven't in, oh, 20 years. Since I was 8. And things are certainly a bit different. It's funny how things don't seem quite as fresh and bright as they did as a kid - or even just a few years ago. It's true, you can't ever go home again.

I think I may just be looking for something different - maybe something a little slower. Maybe that's what draws me to the south. It's just a slower, more conscious way of living. Living for the sake of living, not for the sake of working. Not so much go, go, go all the time. I think it may be a case of "the grass is always greener" - maybe if I live somewhere different, none of the stress of real life could possibly follow me. We all know that isn’t true, and that philosophy that you can “leave behind” your worries is a big fat lie.

I ate like a total pig while we were there and couldn't seem to get my water in like I should have. I stepped on the scale the morning after we came home to reflect a 3 lb gain, but I'm almost certain that is water weight. Between the ridiculous amount of restaurant food and fast-food eaten and my period (sorry to the dudes out there reading) starting this weekend, water weight was bound to happen.

Non-Scale Victory: my Old Navy corduroy pants from 2010/pre-pregnancy 2011 not only fit, but are actually a little big now. My size 16 Gap khakis (which they don't make anymore and are the most flattering "business" type pants on me - go figure!) fit perfectly!! For my figure, Gap usually runs really small and I haven't been able to get in these slacks since 2009. Pretty exciting stuff.

So now that I've been all positive about my clothes... I can get negative on my body and my habits, right? I mean, I probably shouldn't... but I'm going to anyway:

The beginning of this month started out really well. I was sticking to my goals better than I think I have all year. Then getting ready for vacation happened, then the actual vacation happened, and even though that's only really about 2 weeks of being "out of it" on the health/fitness front, it feels like much, much longer. I was pretty positive in my last post, and this week I am feeling way down. It may be hormonal, but I feel like I should be kicking it in to gear with a little more consistency. One of my MyFitnessPal buddies posted a status the other day that said something along the lines of: You can only expect partial results from partial effort.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Okay, that may be an exaggeration... however, I definitely have only been giving this "getting healthy" thing a partial effort. I still eat fast food like it's going out of style, I'm lazy with getting my workouts in regularly, I've quit taking my walks since the weather turned cold (it's called a coat...and hat and gloves..), I'm getting out of control with my sweets consumption all over again, I feel like I've gained fat even though I'm maintaining weight and can still fit in my clothes, etc. etc. I know part of acting this way and feeling this way is the time of year. Winter is always really hard for me. I get so depressed and just want to sleep all day.

I know the negative inner-monologue doesn't do me any good either, but it's rough. I read through all these success stories on MFP, and I just keep thinking to myself, "That should be me. That could be me. If I could get it together."

I just need to motivate. Maybe I need to start doing my workouts in the morning before everyone else gets up. I hate waking up early and am a total night owl... but I also know it's hard for me to motivate for exercise when the kids need dinner and baths and bedtime stories, when the tv is on - beckoning me to sit with Mike on the sofa and settle in for the evening, when there's the possibility of going out for beers and bar food with friends. In the morning there aren't any of those things. It's just me. In the basement. With my weights and my stability ball.

Sidenote: I don't think I'm going to renew my gym membership since I haven't been since March - so I need to figure out a way to do HIIT inside at home. Purchasing a treadmill or elliptical right now is not an option, as I have no expendable income for that kind of stuff at the present time. If anyone has any good ideas, let me know. I suppose there's always running up and down the stairs. I used to do that when I first started one of Jackie Warner's workout routines... but if I'm going to seriously try to be getting up at 6am to workout, then running up and down the stairs might defeat my whole "no one is up to bother me" purpose. lol

I think another reason maybe I fall off the bandwagon so quickly with exercise is because I've been so focused on lifting... and you can't do that every day. I really need to work in things on my off-lifting days. Things like HIIT (as I mentioned above), yoga, just plain old walking. I think if I can make exercise an almost-everyday thing, I may be able to keep up with it a little easier. The trick there is to make sure I actually give myself true "rest" days and not get obsessed and overwork myself.

This all seems way more complicated than it needs to be. Maybe I should simplify for a couple months.. until we get through the roughest part of winter. Instead of going through these intricate weight training/circuit training routines, just make myself to commit to planks/side planks, squats/deadlifts, push-ups/dumbbell rows 3 non-consecutive days a week, 15-20 mins of HIIT 3 times a week and yoga 2 times a week. So it would look something like this:

• Mon/Weds/Fri: Strength followed by HIIT - 15 minutes each
• Tues/Thurs: Yoga - 45 minute routine

Wow, doesn't that look EASY and NOT time consuming?! Totally doable, right?! 

Perhaps I will create a challenge... (because we all know how well that worked out the last time I did it HA!)

Oh! I almost forgot: I am starting a burpee challenge on December 1st. I'm not entirely sure I can even do one burpee... let alone work up to 100. But let's face it, even if I can only do one or a few, that is some sort of exercise I'm getting every. day.

How are all my readers faring with the sad winter weather? Is it affecting your motivation and healthy habits?

Unexpected Milestones

I weighed-in on Friday...

Official weight @ 11/9/2012: 191.2 lbs

That’s a 2.8 lbs loss from the previous week! MyFitnessPal informed me that I have now lost 25 lbs since January 1st.

I just realized this week that that means I am halfway to losing 50 lbs!!! I honestly never really thought it would happen. I thought for sure I would fail, and I'm currently struggling with allowing myself to recognize that this is a BIG DEAL. I'm allowed to be proud of myself, and I'm not allowed to dismiss this simply because it took me almost a year instead of 4-6 months. 25 lbs in 9 months is still a loss and because I'm losing slow and steady, the likelihood that I'll be able to keep that weight off is good.

There is part of me that still worries I will stick in the 190's for a long long time just because I feel more comfortable here than I was at 216. It's weird. I'm also concerned that when I reach goal weight (165-170), that I will still feel like I should lose more. Ugh. That would just be awful. But it's a very real concern - I mean, when you think about dedicating 7 years (on and off) to losing weight, how do you just flip that switch from "lose" to "maintain"? I think it will be a real struggle, but a struggle I'm forward to dealing with since that will mean I'll be back at a healthy weight!

So far so good on my November goals (with the exception of the consistent blogging!). I’m getting back on track with my training routine. This is week 2 (again) of Rachel Cosgrove’s Female Body Breakthrough. I got through Phase I only to promptly get sick and lose my motivation for most of the month of October. My current plan is to try to go ahead and move into the Phase II workouts starting tonight and see if I can push through. Even with heavier weights the Phase I workout doesn’t really feel challenging for me and I’m getting bored with it. If I get bored I’ll quit, and I really don’t want that to happen. I’m also trying to finish reading Lou Schuler’s New Rules of Lifting for Women. I feel like I’m forever starting health/fitness books and either a) not finishing them, or b) taking FOREVER to get through them.

(PS – remember when I said I was putting together a training routine for Mike? Y’know, like 3 months ago? Well, I FINALLY DID IT! Now we’ll see if he’ll actually use it…)

Somewhat regular readers may remember me talking about “The French Don’t Diet” a couple months back… yeah, definitely never finished that book. It’s sitting on my nightstand with a bookmark sitting about two-thirds of the way through. I took some of the advice from the book, such as:

• Mindful eating
• Embracing full-fat dairy (as long as it’s eaten in moderation)
• Recognizing activity is just as important as defined exercise

I will say on that last bullet point: for me, I think defined exercise is important. I have a specific picture in my head of what I want my body to look like. It used to be this:

Now it is this:

And I cannot reach the latter without incorporating focused and serious strength training into my weekly activity and routine. The French don’t diet – but they also don’t strength train. So while I’m glad that eating delicious full-fat yogurt and drinking amazing 2% or even whole milk is actually good for me (again, in moderation) and has the added benefit of providing me with the additional protein I need to build lean muscle mass, as well as the big push for eating whole foods and not processed junk is excellent – unfortunately the whole mindset of living “French” isn’t necessarily going to get me to the body I want. I’m not sure that I’ll finish the book, but there are some excellent recipes in the back that I’m going to give a try – and much of the advice as far as nutrition and portion control is spot-on, as well as the focus on not feeling guilty over what you eat all the time. Have a damn pastry every now and then! Eat that chocolate! Drink that glass of wine! Sounds like an excellent idea to me.  I’m happy that I can delve into all this different research, observation and advice and be able to recognize what works for me and what doesn’t and sort of blend it all together into what is (hopefully) a better lifestyle for me.

Now to address the “healthier eating” aspect of my goals:

I’m continuing to cook more at home and Mike and I are working hard to eat lunch at home more often not only for the sake of our health, but also for our wallet! That’s been the hardest. There’s just something that’s not quite “the same” as going home for lunch – there’s something about going somewhere that makes it feel like we really were able to escape work for an hour. When we go home a lot of the time I just want to stay there. In front of the tv. And take a nap. It sucks to have to go back to work. I’ll get over it, I just need to start expecting to go home instead of expecting to go out.

As far as cooking, though, I’m loving it! Also now that the baby is eating solids (he refuses to eat baby food now… which is sometimes incredibly inconvenient, but what can you do?), I pretty much have to cook or there’s nothing for him to eat! I feel terrible about the idea of feeding him chicken nuggets, mac’n’cheese, and hot dogs on a regular basis… I did that with James, but I was also 21 and didn’t know any damn better. Now I do! Teach healthy habits early and you won’t have to struggle with it later, right?

Let’s hope so.

My stress level seems to be balancing out a bit. I think it’s because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel signaling the end of our 3 months of being busy all the damn time. Next week I venture south to Arkansas for see my extended family for Thanksgiving. We’ll be there the entire week, and I’m hoping it will be the relaxing escape that I’m looking for. It usually is.

The funny thing about the stress level lowering is that things are not really better with James. In fact, it seems like his meltdowns are intensifying lately. This is what his doctor told us would happen, though. The storm before the calm, if you will.

The level of crazy it reaches is sometimes staggering. I didn’t realize a 7 year old knew how to be so mean. Last week while Mike was out of town, during one of these episodes, he told me (repeatedly, screaming at the top of his lungs) that I was the worst mother ever and that ever since he was born all I ever wanted to do was hurt him. It honestly got to the point where I was crying and literally begging him to stop, to please be quiet. At which point he screamed “NEVER!” in my face. He continued to go on and on about how I would “never get to play Chutes & Ladders with [him] again”, how he never wants me to spend his free-time with him again, etc.

Then… after it was all over (and after a phone call from Big Mama (this is what we call my mom) and an in-person visit from Big Papa (my dad)), he touched my face and said softly, “Mommy, I love you and didn’t mean those things I said. I don’t know why I said them. You can play Chutes & Ladders with me anytime you want. I love to play that game with you. I’m sorry I said those things.” And, unlike an emotionally abusive adult who may be making the apology as a method of manipulation to make you stay with them, this child is really sincerely so sorry and tearing up as he tells you he doesn’t know why he said those things to you… because he really doesn’t know. He just knows he gets so angry and he doesn’t know how to get rid of that anger inside him.

It is emotionally and physically exhausting, but I guess I’m getting used to it.

Just another reason it’s so important for me to keep up with my exercise routine! It’s a powerful physical outlet, plus it allows me to escape into whatever music I’m listening to and not have any expectation on me.

I’ve thought lately about doing some yoga with James, to see if that maybe helps him feel calmer as well as giving him some kind of physical outlet. It would certainly help my anxiety/stress levels, as well as provide some additional non-lifting exercise to do on my “rest” days. Perhaps I should add that as a goal for December – do yoga with James.

Hope you all enjoyed my novel of a post! I swear I’ll try to be better… I would say I’ll post more next week since I’ll be on vacation – but if I were you, I wouldn’t count on it. Lol

Official weigh-in after scale-free October!

So sorry, Dear Readers. I was out of town last weekend. I thought I had posted about weighing-in before leaving, but apparently I did NOT. That must have happened in my dreams.

Official Weight at 11/01/2012: 194 lbs

So my official loss for scale-free October was approximately 1.5 lbs. This probably would have been a better number had I actually exercised. My measurements stayed the same, with the exception of my body fat percentage. Apparently, a couple pounds equals a little over a 1% fat loss... interesting. New estimated body fat percentage: 31%

I have a lot of things I want to post about but they are all sort of bouncing around in my head and I can't really form them into whole thoughts that make sense right now. Please stay tuned, and I will get you guys a real post soon!

So far off the bandwagon...

Well, folks, I’m coming up on nearly 3 weeks of not workouts. I’m pretty disappointed in myself which unfortunately is just adding to my feeling of “I don’t wanna” when it comes to exercise. The cooler weather and high-stress at home with husband and children certainly isn’t helping.

My house is complete disaster and I can’t seem to motivate to get it in order. My laundry hamper looks like it vomited all over my bedroom. James’ is the same way. The baby is about the only one whose laundry gets done regularly and that’s only because his wardrobe is much more limited than the rest of us. *sigh*

I kind of knew this would happen when I got sick a few weeks back. I feel like it’s always the way. If you have any desire to do so, you can read back on my blogs from February and March and see how I started going to the gym, got sick, stopped.

The major difference right now is my increased calorie intake. It would be one thing if I were eating in my 1600-1800 range without exercise. I lost slowly but steadily at that amount up until September when I finally got my butt in gear with the lifting. I posted a while ago “One week without exercise does not a 20 pound gain make” – however a couple MONTHS of no exercise and poor eating at an increased calorie limit absolutely CAN and WILL equal a gain of everything I worked hard to lose and I’m afraid that is the path I’m currently on. (Sorry for the run-on sentence there.)

 I’m not sure how to kick my butt into gear. Yesterday morning as I fixed breakfast for the kids I thought to myself, “Tonight I will come home and exercise… after we carve pumpkins… and I go return that stuff to Target and DSW and the mall… and then it will be like 10pm… okay, tomorrow I will come home and exercise… except it’s Halloween. EFF.”

I did not exercise. I actually would have had time, too.. but then there's that whole "motivation" problem again. 

I know I need to just MAKE myself do it.

Tomorrow is November 1^st. Do we know what that means? Weigh in time.

There’s this weird part of me that is really excited for it – to see if bumping up my calories actually did me a favor – and then, of course, there’s the terrified part that I’m going to step on that scale and it will say, “202.3” or some other such ridiculously high number that will make me want to eat the entire bag of oreos in my kitchen. (And by entire bag, I mean like 5 or 6…. Y’know, 2 servings. Hey. That IS a binge for me. Could you imagine eating like 50 oreos??? *puke*)

Anyway... wish me luck with tomorrow! I will try to remember to post my results! (I will try to remember to actually weigh in! lol)

Pivotal Moments

I can remember being 12 or 13 and going to the movies with my dad. I used to always get one of those giant boxes of Sour Patch Kids anytime we went to the theater. This particular time I remember him teasing me, saying something to the affect of, "..think that box of candy big enough?" I looked at the box and answered, "At least it's fat free." He raised his eyebrows and replied, "Just because there isn't any fat, doesn't mean it's good for you. Sugar just turns to fat."

At first I didn't really understand what he was saying. Sugar turns to fat? How is that possible? I mean, everything I heard, read, saw on TV - it all said fat was bad! Fat makes you fat! If it was low-fat or non-fat, you were good to go!

I sure am glad my dad is so smart. That random off-hand comment at the movies got me thinking and asking a lot of questions. I quit buying into the "fat is bad" craze that defined health and fitness in the 90's and beginning of the 2000's. My dad was also the first person to say to me, "You can never go wrong if you're eating real food."

It wasn't until recently that I realized how much my dad has defined my idea of what healthy eating means and I sure am thankful for those comments about refined sugar and real food. I feel like it did a lot to keep my eating and body image in perspective during those crucial teen years. It never occurred to me to try to "control" my body with (or without) food.

I've posted about this before, but I'll say it again: I feel incredibly lucky to have a somewhat-normal relationship with food. Not every day is good or "normal", but most are. And I think my dad's ideas of what "healthy food" meant, helped big time with that.

So, speaking of pivotal moments - I believe I may be reaching one today. I have not exercised in 2 weeks. This is bad. It's bad because I believe is may drastically be affecting my mood and on top of that my pants have been feeling a bit snug. I feel like I've regained all my belly fat. That's not true or fact in any way - but it feels that way. I also have not been eating as healthy as I had been, so that doesn't help. I know I had said that I would be working out on Monday - but it didn't happen. I did go to the grocery store, but that took up a giant chunk of my evening. However, now we have actual food in our house that isn't frozen!! Too bad I've just been eating a bunch of junky restaurant food for lunches all week and not taking advantage...

I'm trying to avoid that whole "I'll start over Monday" idea - it doesn't have to be any specific day. I just hope I find the motivation sometime this weekend and actually take advantage of that. It's another busy weekend ahead and I want to try to avoid get sucked into the "I don't wanna" void again.

I have been walking during my lunch break the last 2 days. It's something. It's certainly better than just sitting on my butt all day long everyday.

I feel like if I don't really push myself to get my workouts in over these next few days, I may too easily fall back into my old habits.

Anyone else having trouble motivating lately?

Junior mints, microwaves, and losing my sister

Today is Chelsea’s birthday. Her 21^st. She is my “middle” sister. I’m the oldest, 8 years later she came, and 8 years after her came Lillie.

About 4 months ago we (my parents, Lillie and I) lost Chelsea. 

I don’t mean that she died and I don’t mean that she was kidnapped or anything quite so horrendous. But somehow we lost her. She decided she no longer wanted to be part of our family. A little over 2 years ago she left for college. She went out of state – to a third tier school, as my mother likes to point out – because that’s where two of her closest friends were. Two friends she met playing a popular MMORPG. 

She could have gone anywhere. Locally, she could have gone to any state school – UVA, Tech, Mason, even Georgetown or GW. Nationally, she could have gone to Brown, MIT, even Harvard. She’s brilliant. She loves school. Life has always been school and school has always been the reason for living life.

But a year ago she stopped going. We’re not sure exactly why. She says it was anxiety. She withdrew in the middle of fall semester. Spring semester she enrolled for 18 credit hours… and withdrew again mid-semester. In April she quit returning emails and phone calls. My parents found out she lost her phone. Her roommates said they were passing on messages, but we’re not so sure. She never did replace her phone as far as we are aware.

In June my parents drove to her school to make sure she was still alive. That’s when she told them she never wanted to speak to us again. No reason. She just didn’t “feel like it”. She’d let us know if she ever “felt like it” again.

Chelsea and I were never close. We had what one would call a love/hate relationship. We loved each other because we are siblings and figured we had to – that there isn’t really any choice. But we don’t get along with each other in that we have very different beliefs about life and the world we live that life in. I’m an extrovert, she’s painfully shy. I love to be social and meet new people, she thinks all people are stupid - which they are, but I forgive them that for the sake of their company and the entertainment derived from that stupidity (I kid, I kid). I always hated school, she always loved school more than anything. Polar opposites for sure.

If I want to be honest with myself, I have to say I don’t miss her. I rarely think of her. She only impacts my life in that my parents and my baby sister are devastated by her absence. I can’t change her mind. In fact, I’m the last person who could change her mind. When all of this came to be, my response to it was, “She can go fuck herself. You want to be a selfish brat, go be a selfish brat, but don’t expect me to sit around pining and waiting for you to grace my life with your presence.”

But today is her birthday and Facebook keeps telling me I should express my birthday wishes on her wall. A couple other relatives have posted happy birthdays. I know she doesn’t check her Facebook anymore. In fact, I’m not entirely sure why she hasn’t just deleted her account. I feel like I should say something… but then I think maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe she should know what it’s like for someone to just disappear and not give a rat’s ass about whether or not it’s your birthday. Afterall, our baby sister’s birthday was just a few days ago – did Chelsea send any well-wishes via phone call, text or email? Absolutely not. I’m sure it didn’t even occur to her. My sister… she’s different. She’s special, as my mom would say when we were kids. We have to forgive her social ineptitudes, she can’t help it. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t have the same empathy or understanding of what empathy is supposed to be. I do hope she has a happy birthday. Even if we don’t get to be a part of it.

I look at this situation and I can’t help but fear that someday this might be my son. That one day we might lose James as we’ve lost Chelsea.

In May, James was diagnosed with Aspergers. This is a mild, high-functioning form of autism. Actually, I’m not even sure the latest DSM categorizes it as autism anymore – it’s its own separate brain weirdness. But many of its symptoms present similarly to symptoms of autism; lack of empathy, misunderstanding or not picking up on normal social and facial cues, sensitivities to light, noise, touch, etc. Children with Aspergers are also many times highly gifted, making it even harder to understand the other people around them – and making it harder for the people around them to understand them. They are sometimes prone to what can only be called “meltdowns” – episodes of loss of physical and emotional control, to include screaming, hitting, throwing one’s self on the ground and flailing, saying mean and nasty things, etc. These extreme episodes may go on for minutes or hours. And once it’s over, it’s over and everything goes back to “normal”. It’s almost as if life becomes over-stimulating and this is the only way they know how to let it go.

This is my life. This is my life every day. Some days are good and some are terrible.

Bedtime can be the worst. And last night it was one of the bad times. Mike was handling everything with James as I had just returned from the grocery store and was putting the food away. I was supposed to be taking my baby sister to the movies after I was done with the groceries, so I actually didn’t have to stick around for most of the meltdown. This may sound callous but: I was pretty glad for it.

Because these meltdowns usually happen at bedtime, the mornings can become particularly difficult when it comes to getting James out of bed for school. This morning was no different. We regularly struggle with what kind of clothes will be worn for the day – some days it has to be a certain color or a certain fabric, others he’ll want to wear the same outfit for a second or third day in a row. Today we wanted to wear red. ALL red. Red pants and red shirt. Today is a warm day here in Virginia. It’s 80 degrees. I told him he could wear shorts. Red shorts and a red shirt.

The moment James got downstairs Mike told him he couldn’t wear the shorts he had chosen (the red shorts) because they were too small. They were slightly too small. Not overly small, but slightly. However, I knew this would spur another meltdown, one we didn’t have time for since it was almost time to walk out the door. So instead of arguing with James, we argued with each other.

I got incredibly angry. I couldn’t believe that this was the battle we were going to choose to fight. They are SHORTS. Just let him wear the goddamn SHORTS.

I lost the battle over the shorts. Mike ended up telling James he had to change. James melted down.

I punched the microwave. I broke the glass on the microwave door. The microwave had to go out with the trash. Now I have to go spend $70 on a new microwave. $70 I do not have.

My husband hasn’t spoken to me except once today. I scared the hell out of the baby and made him cry.

Sometimes your 7 year old acts like a lunatic, and sometimes your sister disappears because she feels like it.

Sometimes I feel over-stimulated by life. Sometimes you just have to punch a microwave. The difference is: I know better. But sometimes knowing better doesn’t make it better.

Sometimes eating an entire movie theater box of Junior Mints does.

Back in the game?

Well, dear readers, I have finally recovered from my Dreaded Sickness. I did not workout at all last week and tried to eat everything in sight. I don't feel too terrible about the lack of exercise since it probably did my body (and immune system) some good to take a week off and fully recover, however I could have done much better with my eating since I wasn't exercising. I had to keep reminding myself that one week was not going to equal a 20 lbs gain and wipe out all my progress. The gain-back fear has been strong lately - possibly because I'm not currently doing weekly weigh-ins and eating 2,000 calories/day on top of that.

This passed weekend was Andrea's wedding! This is relevant because: I had wanted to be at my half-goal weight of 185 lbs by her wedding.  Since I declared October "scale free", I have no idea what I weigh right now - but I imagine it's probably still at or around 195 lbs. 10 lbs away from my halfway goal. That's okay. I fit into my size 14 bridesmaids dress, and even had to have some alterations done to the waist to take it in. I'll take it!

Today/this week the focus is on getting back on my healthy(er) eating, as well as getting some lifting in Mon/Weds/Fri. Aside from the Taco Bell for lunch yesterday (which was incredibly disappointing and totally not worth the calories), I made a healthy dinner of baked chicken, rice and veggies and stayed well under my daily calorie goal of 2,000, clocking in right around 1700.

I haven't done actual grocery shopping in nearly 3 weeks - just been grabbing milk here, cereal there, fruit here, lettuce there. This month has been SO BUSY! I feel like it will never end. Tonight I plan to head to the grocery store and actually get my full list of items. There is little hope of getting back on my usual Saturday grocery shopping routine. This weekend is our only "free" weekend, and even with that we are having a birthday party for our now-seven year old(!) and hitting a Halloween party Saturday night. Then next weekend I jet off to Austin, TX for my cousin's wedding!

I'm very excited for all these great events we've been included in and invited to, but I sure will be glad when December rolls around and I can have a normal weekend of groceries, laundry, vacuuming, and vegging in front of the TV. Siiiiigggghhhhh.

Btw, I've added some new progress pictures including some bikini shots to show body transformation as I continue these weight lifting routines. Next photos will be posted beginning of November after I complete my first weigh-in since the start of October and take measurements - I'm pretty excited!

Good sign, or sad sign?

All day I've been waiting for this one task to be completed so I can go home and go to bed in an effort to nurse myself back to health... and yet, for the last hour as I waste away at my desk I keep thinking to myself, "Man, I can't wait to get that workout in tonight."

WHAAAAAAAAAAA-????

Y'know, because apparently I want to push my body to breaking so I can be sick For.Ever.

A little bit of slack

So last week (and looks so far this week as well) I only worked out 1.5 times. I say 1.5 because I did a full workout on Monday and then a 15 minute workout on Friday before taking my eldest to his judo class.

I will be honest: that 15 minutes kicked my ass pretty hard for being just 15 minutes. Definitely a great option when you're in a pinch for time, but not sure I'd recommend doing this as your only exercise. Then again: any movement is movement, right?

Over the weekend I developed an awesome case of bronchitis and was just too worn down this Monday and Tuesday to motivate myself to lift lots of weight, sweat profusely, and boost my heart rate. Plus there's that whole thing about being careful about strenuous exercise if you're having sickness symptoms affecting you below the neck - ie: stuffy nose? Do that workout! coughing up green phlegm and/or running a fever? GO TO BED YOU CRAZY PERSON!

I have not run any fever.. but I have been coughing up some colorful things. So I gave myself a little bit of a break the beginning of this week. Then Wednesday evening I started feeling like a lazy loaf. I got motivated all of a sudden. I thought, "Well, I haven't been coughing UP anything for the last 24 hours, just coughing in general... maybe I will be okay."  My workout was great! Felt a little weak through some of the squats, but other than that it made me feel so much better!

Until Thursday.

Thursday I felt like I wanted to die. I even went to bed early Weds night because after working out I got really, really tired... probably because I'm a sickie and my body needs rest not one-leg-bent-knee-split-Romanion-deadlifts.

I was just so scared, you guys. So scared I was going to fall off the exercise bandwagon. So scared now that I've upped my calorie intake, all of a sudden I would lose my motivation to exercise and lose all the muscle I've worked hard for and would pack on pounds of fat. Fear makes an excellent motivator in this case.

Then this weekend.

Even though I felt like death Thursday, Friday night my dad and I were supposed to go to Virginia Tech for some Hokie football action. I did not want to cancel this awesome father/daughter trip because of a stupid chest cold. Friday I felt okay. Not 100%, but definitely better than Thursday. So we went. Saturday I felt AWESOME. I felt better than I've felt in almost 2 weeks. We had a great day, the game was awesome (Hokies came back and won the game after a 20 point deficit at the end of the 1st quarter of the game), we went out for delicious pizza and drank delicious October-y beer. I even went to bed at a decent time!

Then I woke up Sunday (yesterday) with my head feeling like someone has poured cement into it. Not a hangover, ladies and gents - a terrible, terrible head cold.

How does one go from a chest cold to a head cold? Isn't it the other way around?

So all day yesterday as I drove the 5 hours back home I told myself I would not die. I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I woke up at 8 this morning feeling EVEN WORSE. Unfortunately because of the goddamn IRS and their stupid deadlines I HAD to come into work even though I'm running a low-grade fever and probably infecting everyone else in the office right now.

My initial thought was: come in, take care of the few things that require taking care of absolutely by today, go home in an hour or two.

Oh, no no no. That isn't possible. Because people are stupid. And that's all I'm going to get into on that.

So, here I am having pushed myself to the point of pure exhaustion leading to germs taking over my body.. and I can't even at this point get the rest I need. I have a wedding this weekend. I'd like to get back on my normal workout routine at some point before the end of the year. I'm EXHAUSTED. I NEED TO SLEEP. But work forever comes first, it seems. And it makes me want to kill myself and makes me fear that I'm going to end up gaining back all the weight I've lost over the last 10 months within the next 3. It's enough to drive a person to drink. Oh, wait. I already do that.

Fun Facts

You know you're becoming somewhat successful at slimming down when you realize that all your underwear is too big and doesn't fit properly under your pants any longer.

Even though it's incredibly annoying and uncomfortable, I'm going to look at this as a good thing.

Questioning

I have some very exciting news: I put on a bikini from 3 years ago the other night to do some progress pictures and it didn't look totally disgusting!! In fact, aside from having more belly fat, it actually fit my hips better than it ever has. That's pretty awesome. Reasoning behind randomly putting a bikini on when it's October: I figure I need to show a little more of my body in my progress photos if I'm (supposedly) no longer tracking weight. This way I can actually SEE the difference. I feel like it's hard to tell sometimes with the black workout pants, and I feel like a lot of my change is happening in the leg/hip/butt area. Maybe I can find some of those workout short-shorts on clearance at Target and use those with a sports bra instead of the bikini. My husband might appreciate that a little more lol.

What do you guys think? Workout shorts/sports bra, or just go all the way with the bikini? 

Other somewhat exciting news: I'm down to 195.

Let that sink in for a minute...

Funny story: Friday morning I rolled out of bed and without even thinking about it stepped on that scale. And then immediately was like, "OH! NO no no!!" But then I looked at that number and thought, "Yes, yes, yes. YESSSSS!!!"

Eating is working.

I know that seems like a strange thing to say, but it's true. I tracked calories last week, but wasn't incredibly worried over how much I was actually eating. Apparently my body likes it when I eat. I averaged just over 2,000 calories a day for the whole week. I lost 2 lbs. I lost 2 lbs on the weekend going into starting my period. That hasn't happened to me once this entire year up until now. Usually I see a 2-3 lbs gain on a Friday before starting my period.

I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject of nutrition and metabolism lately, especially in reference to strength training and the effect nutrition has on the results of that strength training. Basically you can't build muscle and boost your metabolism if you're starving. That seems like a "duh" statement, but you'd be surprised. Currently I'm going through the nutritional chapters of The New Rules of Lifting for Women - if you've been trying to lose weight/fat by extreme calorie restriction while adding regular exercise into your daily or near-daily routine and are seeing no or slow results with that method, I really recommend reading this book. It's essentially the same stuff I've been reading for the last few years (since getting "into" health and fitness) about calorie-restrictive diets - ie: they don't work long term. Because you can't teeter on starvation for the rest of your life. It's as simple as that. The reoccurring theme being put across by these certified trainers, physiologists, nutritionist/dieticians, and medical doctors is that the key is WHAT you eat, not necessarily how much. And in order to build muscle, you must EAT - regularly (y'know, like all three meals a day plus a snack or two), until you're satiated, and especially post-workout. You must EAT - protein, fat and the dreaded carbs. You must EAT - real food, not pre-made, processed diet meals from your grocer's freezer section.

Eat, eat, eat!! Eating is good! Calories are good! Full-fat is good!

Did you know you burn 20% of your calories during the day digesting? But if you aren't eating, you can't digest, which means less calorie burning, which equals a slower metabolism. Your body is highly adaptable and designed to run as efficiently as possible on the food/energy you put into it. This means if you are only eating 1,000 calories a day - your body will learn to exist on only 1,000 calories a day. And what does that mean? It means that it rearranges it's priorities in order to keep your brain functioning, heart beating, lungs breathing, etc. (think vital organs), and puts things like (as a woman) your reproductive organs on the back burner. If you're starving, why would biology want to work hard to make a baby for you? Your body doesn't know we live in 2012 where food is always readily available at every turn and you're just starving yourself on purpose. Your body thinks you're still living in 1243 AD and the harvest was ruined by drought.

Long story short: weight loss - more importantly, FAT LOSS - is much more than calories in/calories out. The calories in part is more vital than we want to believe.

So what is considered "extreme calorie restriction" by these various publications I've read? Essentially anything under 1400 calories/day. Even if you're only 5 feet tall or smaller. By restricting your caloric intake and upping your physical activity (more with high-cardio vs. strength training, but occurs in both depending on your restriction), you may see the number on the scale come down (not everyone does, though, like moi), but you're not just losing fat - in fact, you aren't even mostly losing fat. You're losing mostly muscle fibers and bone mass. That's right. BONE MASS.

Pretty scary stuff, huh? But probably not scary enough to spook you into eating a "normal" calorie intake on a regular basis. The indoctrination by our diet-driven society is ridiculous. Let's do ourselves a favor: stop starving ourselves and EAT!

Here's a nifty little formula for you to know where you should be on your calories:

To calculate BMR:

1. Take your body weight and divide by 2.2 to get your body weight in kilograms (round to the nearest whole number). Example: I weigh 195lbs: 195/2.2 = 88.64, nearest whole number is 89.
2. Take your weight in kgs and multiply by 7.18 (again round), then add 795. Example: 89 x 7.18 = 639.02   639+795 = 1,434

So my BMR is 1,434. I would burn this many calories if I laid in bed all day and did absolutely nothing. Doctor's would feed me this many calories via a feeding tube if I were in a coma in order to keep my vital organs functioning. 

To calculate how many calories you would eat to maintain your current body weight:

1. Find your BMI here.  Example: I'm 70" tall, I weigh 195lbs, my BMI is: 28
2. If your BMI is between 18 and 24.9 multiply your BMR by: 1.6 (non-workout days) or 1.8 (workout days)
3. If your BMI is greater than 25 multiply your BMR by: 1.5 (non-workout days) or 1.7 (workout days)

For me, this equals approximately 2,150 on a non-workout day and 2450 on a workout day. New Rules for Lifting for Women recommends not cutting any more than 300 calories off this number to begin with since that magic "500" is not really so magic afterall since, as I mentioned earlier, the calories in/calories out concept is dated and far more complicated than just your net calorie intake.

Also, please keep in mind, that your workout day calories are your calories BEFORE exercise - since ideally any exercise you'd be doing would burn roughly the difference between your workout-day/non-workout day numbers.

**Please keep in mind that every body is different and you may have to test eating more/less calories until you find that "sweet" spot that works for your body**

As I mentioned, I averaged about 2,000 calories last week overall. I'm going to adjust my MyFitnessPal calories today to make that my new mark in an effort to embrace feeding my body instead of starving it. I won't lie to you and say that it doesn't terrify me a little bit even though it's only 200 calories/day more than where I was.

Would you consider upping your calorie goals to see if it stimulates your body to start dropping weight/fat? Does the idea terrify you? Leave me a comment about it!

Challenge: Scale-free in October!

Okay, okay, so I know we are already 4 days INTO October, but I can't seem to get a post banged out on any other day than Thursday these last few weeks.

"Official" rules of the challenge:

1. Get starting weight and measurements, then ditch the scale starting on 10/1/12! (or today, if you want to play along and weren't reading my mind)

1. Continue to follow whatever diet/exercise plan you are currently following, or start a new one! (I am currently doing Rachel Cosgrove's Female Body Breakthrough for my workouts, and tracking calories along with making healthier food choices for my "diet")

Also, as you all have seen from little chart to the right-hand side or on MyFitnessPal or just being a regular reader of this blog, I have been gaining weight pretty steadily. I mentioned last post that I was up to 201. Well Sunday morning I weighed in again and was at 197.4 which is what I'm using as my "start" weight above for scale-free October. 197 = much better than 201. There must have been some serious water retention going on. 
I'm hoping this month of not having my mood based on the fluctuation or non-fluctuation of my weight will get some stress off my shoulders. Too bad my kids, my husband, my job, and my household chores can't be less stressful, too! Here's hoping to positive results... and if I gain 10lbs, not spiraling into a hot mess of no-workouts-eat-whatever-I-want-sleep-all-the-time-ness.
I took my measurements this past weekend and they were as follows (beginning measurements were as of 8/17/12 - new measurements in blue):

Measurements as of 9/30/2012:

·  Estimated Body Fat % (YMCA formula): 33% - 33%

·  Weight: 195.8 lbs - 197.4lbs

·  Waist: 34” / 38” at navel - 34" / 37.25" at naval

·  Chest: 41" (original across bust) - 36" (This is my measurement above-bust. I believe I will take under bust measurements as well since that is where I have a lot of fat right now. I don't really think it does me any good to measure across my actual breasts, as I really don't care how big and/or small they get.)

·  Hips: 45” - 44"

·  Thighs: 26” - 26"

·  Arms (flexed): 12” - 12.5" (gaining muscle?)

·  Jean/Pant Size: 14/16 - 14/16

·  Shirt Size: L - L 

So as we can see, there hasn't been a whole lot of change since 8/17 - but that's been just over a month ago and I JUST started regular exercise the first week in September. I'm also not 100% sure that my waist was 34" in August - I think it may have been more like 34.5" but I just rounded down. Doesn't do me a whole lot of good to lie to myself like that. It just makes me feel like I'm not progressing when I actually am. 



Okay, so there's that. Now, a wrap-up of the last week:

As I mentioned above, there's been a lot of stress and I have not been very good at UN-stressing. Everything kind of culminated for me on Wednesday and I ended up sitting in the bathroom at work crying for 10 minutes. Sometimes life just gets to be too much and you gotta cry it out. Unfortunately, sometimes that happens at work. Which is entirely unprofessional. I wish I could say that solved everything and made me feel infinitely better, but it did not. Today was not quite a difficult and work was a little less stressful other than realized I missed a major deadline on a couple things a couple months ago... but it wasn't as scary and fucked up as I originally thought it might be and the solution was pretty quick and simple. Let's hope it all stays that way.

On top of everything I'm fighting a cold. Sunday night into Monday I was very very stuffed up. I still did my workout Monday night and that seemed to really help clear me up. However, Wednesday morning I noticed that it may have just migrated to my chest. Super. Bring on the bronchitis! We aren't quite there yet... but I can feel it coming. I did not workout on Wednesday night. After my emotional breakdown at the office, I was exhausted. I couldn't build up the energy to get it done. I'm okay with it. I was still very sore last night from Monday, so maybe an extra rest day will do me some good this week. Definitely revving myself up for Friday, though! I really want to stick with this program as I feel so much better about my body already. Plus with eating more "clean" food at home for lunches instead of going out to eat everyday, I think I may see results much quicker... the key is keeping with the routine! 

Fighting

Still keeping up with the workouts, folks!

I moved into "Phase 2" of the Body Breakthrough workouts. I think I may hit a snag as I progress through this bad-boys, though, because I do not have a gym in my basement... only dumbbells, a stability ball, a flat bench, and a yoga mat. The more challenging workouts definitely require cable pulls and pull-up bars. I'm thinking about purchasing a pull-up bar - one of those you can install in a door frame. But for now I'm just googling "dumbell alternatives for [enter exercise here]" like a crazy person. So far, so good, but I'm not really sure how much longer I will be able to substitute before it effects my results. Maybe that's a negative view to have and it will all be just fine. We'll see.

I'm going to do new measurements this weekend and see if I made any progress - which I feel like I definitely have! My posture is definitely improving, which naturally makes me look a bit slimmer. No more of my grandfather threatening to strap a board to my back!

Okay, so we know that exercise is going well (can't say enough how proud I am of myself for this!!) - now I will talk on some of the food stuff I've been doing:

• I recently boosted my calorie-intake to 1,900/day from 1,800/day. I said I was going to do 2,000 - which honestly is what I'm aiming for - but it was screwing up my charts on MFP to increase it by that much. Also, I'm trying to boost my protein intake a little bit... and at 2,000 calories they were suggesting I eat something like 250g of protein a day - right now it's at, like, 195g which is still RIDICULOUS! I'm starting to feel like these online tools aren't as awesome as I'd like them to be.. and wondering if there might be something better out there that always also (Freudian slip - ALWAYS IPHONE!!) has an iPhone app. 
• I have switched to almost all full-fat dairy. Full-fat cheese, full-fat yogurt (plain greek is the only kind I can find full-fat that isn't super expensive baby yogurt), sour cream, and 2% milk. 
• The biggest difference, though, is I am now cooking almost every night or eating leftovers from a night I did cook. I am also eating lunch at home during the workweek, with the exception of one day where I can choose a restaurant. 

Since we are nearing the end of September (where does the time go?!), I figured I'd update everyone on my vices; drinking and smoking. I'm doing much better. There are now nights where I don't drink at all, or will maybe just have a few sips of Mike's beer. A lot of nights I'm only smoking 1 or 2 cigarettes - however, I'm still having my half-pack nights. The weather is getting much cooler now, so that will help cut that down since I do not smoke in my house.

Edit:
I began drafting this post Tuesday morning and am just now getting about to editing and adding some things. Tuesday morning I felt awesome about my workout. Last night was rough. Our oldest son had an hour-long meltdown. By the time is was over all I could think about was go outside and having a smoke - which I did. And then remembered "duh, this is Wednesday, this is workout B day"... but I wasn't trying to go workout for an hour at 8:30pm after having smoked like 3 cigarettes. That just sounded gross to me. I haven't taken more than one walk this week, either. Having lunch at home I feel like it's a little harder to motivate and/or not enough time to go walk the neighborhood vs walking around the pond next to our office building.

I'm getting very down on myself for skipping this workout. And technically it wasn't "skipped" because I will make it up tonight, and according to the Body Breakthrough plan you can do as few as 2 workouts/week, so I'm not ruining the progress I've made so far. I'm trying to tell myself that just because this week didn't work out the way it normally would/the way I'd like it to, doesn't mean everything is ruined and next week can still be great.

Another thing adding to this self-hate cycle: I stepped on the scale this morning (even though it's not my weigh-in day) and came in at 201lbs. That's a 5lb gain in a week. Aunt Flo will be visiting in a little over a week - but 5 lbs is not just water retention. I'd like to think it's muscle. I'd like to also quit being so scale obsessed and focus solely on how awesome I'm feeling about my body and my back-fat disappearing (!!), how my clothes fit better every week and I have more energy and look forward to my workouts. I guess it's just hammered into my head that I "can't be healthy" at 200lbs when the media inundates me with BMI charts showing that my "healthy weight" should be between 150 and 165. I need to reprogram, but I'm not entirely sure how to do that.

Maybe I should challenge myself to 6 weeks scale-free, only taking measurements weekly or bi-weekly and tracking that way. 

Should I ban the scale for a month or so? What do you think?