Little Gains

Official post-Thanksgiving weigh-in: 192.8 lbs

MFP no longer tells me I’ve lost 25 lbs… Because I logged my gain. Because I have to be accountable. Granted it was just a 1.6 lbs gain based on my official Friday morning weigh-in… and I am started my period this weekend which means water retention and probably some bloating… but I also know I’ve been seriously slacking not only with my exercise, but also with my eating habits. If you look at my MFP food diary, you’ll probably be slightly disgusted. I feel like I shouldn’t even pretend that I can give advice to other people on what they should be eating when I don’t even have the willpower to feed myself healthy foods. *so much guilt*

Tomorrow starts the 100 Burpee Challenge, and as I said in my previous post: at least there’s that. SOME kind of movement every day.

I am going to say on Monday I’ll begin my paired down exercise routine. I’d like to make a promise to myself and to my readers… but I won’t. Because I don’t care for breaking promises and my emotional health is a little all over the place right now which sometimes makes it impossible to focus on my physical health.

One thing that will be happening beginning Monday is: NO MORE LUNCHES OUT EVERY SINGLE DAY. Monday and Friday will be “lunch out” days, and all other will be eaten at home. I go to do some major grocery shopping on Saturday morning and Sunday night will be pre-preparing delicious meals to heat up for lunch during the week. This is the plan. I need to get it together, I need to make time. This needs to become a priority for me – not to mention the fact that cooking makes me feel so calm. It’s almost like meditation for me. I could use more meditation.

I did have a small victory today: I went for a walk at lunch. Even though it was only 50 degrees, and it only lasted for 10 minutes. 10 minutes is better than sitting on my butt all day. And it’s the most exercise I’ve gotten all week, so there’s that.

Well, I got distracted for a moment and lost my writing mojo, so I’ll end it here. But hey: 2 posts in one week ain’t bad, right? 

You Can't Ever Go Home Again

My goodness, you guys. It's been a helluva last 14 days... crap, I can't believe I waited so long to post. *sigh* I'm sorry.

So! Here we go, a recap on my last 2 weeks:

As I said in my most recent post, this year for Thanksgiving (since I wasn't busy popping out a baby) we went to Arkansas, where all my extended family is and/or gathers for the holidays. The time spent down there was wonderful. Being able to spend so much time with so much family is important to me, and it gave me a little bit of the break from work (and "real life" in general) that I was looking for and really needed. However, it felt like a short trip this time around even though it was only about a day less than usual, and the drive home was pretty nightmarish with a normally 7.5 hour drive, taking us close to 13 hours. 10 hours later it was time to get up and go to work/school/daycare for all of us!

Ugh.

I hadn't seen much of my extended family since Thanksgiving of 2010, and this year was a little strange for me. I don't know if it's because my stress level here in Virginia has been a bit higher this year or if I just am realizing that my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, or what - but I really had no desire to come back home. Seriously. Let my house, my job, my life, even my friends be damned. I just wanted to stay in Arkansas. Even though I couldn't honestly imagine actually living down there. Y'know, since I haven't in, oh, 20 years. Since I was 8. And things are certainly a bit different. It's funny how things don't seem quite as fresh and bright as they did as a kid - or even just a few years ago. It's true, you can't ever go home again.

I think I may just be looking for something different - maybe something a little slower. Maybe that's what draws me to the south. It's just a slower, more conscious way of living. Living for the sake of living, not for the sake of working. Not so much go, go, go all the time. I think it may be a case of "the grass is always greener" - maybe if I live somewhere different, none of the stress of real life could possibly follow me. We all know that isn’t true, and that philosophy that you can “leave behind” your worries is a big fat lie.

I ate like a total pig while we were there and couldn't seem to get my water in like I should have. I stepped on the scale the morning after we came home to reflect a 3 lb gain, but I'm almost certain that is water weight. Between the ridiculous amount of restaurant food and fast-food eaten and my period (sorry to the dudes out there reading) starting this weekend, water weight was bound to happen.

Non-Scale Victory: my Old Navy corduroy pants from 2010/pre-pregnancy 2011 not only fit, but are actually a little big now. My size 16 Gap khakis (which they don't make anymore and are the most flattering "business" type pants on me - go figure!) fit perfectly!! For my figure, Gap usually runs really small and I haven't been able to get in these slacks since 2009. Pretty exciting stuff.

So now that I've been all positive about my clothes... I can get negative on my body and my habits, right? I mean, I probably shouldn't... but I'm going to anyway:

The beginning of this month started out really well. I was sticking to my goals better than I think I have all year. Then getting ready for vacation happened, then the actual vacation happened, and even though that's only really about 2 weeks of being "out of it" on the health/fitness front, it feels like much, much longer. I was pretty positive in my last post, and this week I am feeling way down. It may be hormonal, but I feel like I should be kicking it in to gear with a little more consistency. One of my MyFitnessPal buddies posted a status the other day that said something along the lines of: You can only expect partial results from partial effort.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Okay, that may be an exaggeration... however, I definitely have only been giving this "getting healthy" thing a partial effort. I still eat fast food like it's going out of style, I'm lazy with getting my workouts in regularly, I've quit taking my walks since the weather turned cold (it's called a coat...and hat and gloves..), I'm getting out of control with my sweets consumption all over again, I feel like I've gained fat even though I'm maintaining weight and can still fit in my clothes, etc. etc. I know part of acting this way and feeling this way is the time of year. Winter is always really hard for me. I get so depressed and just want to sleep all day.

I know the negative inner-monologue doesn't do me any good either, but it's rough. I read through all these success stories on MFP, and I just keep thinking to myself, "That should be me. That could be me. If I could get it together."

I just need to motivate. Maybe I need to start doing my workouts in the morning before everyone else gets up. I hate waking up early and am a total night owl... but I also know it's hard for me to motivate for exercise when the kids need dinner and baths and bedtime stories, when the tv is on - beckoning me to sit with Mike on the sofa and settle in for the evening, when there's the possibility of going out for beers and bar food with friends. In the morning there aren't any of those things. It's just me. In the basement. With my weights and my stability ball.

Sidenote: I don't think I'm going to renew my gym membership since I haven't been since March - so I need to figure out a way to do HIIT inside at home. Purchasing a treadmill or elliptical right now is not an option, as I have no expendable income for that kind of stuff at the present time. If anyone has any good ideas, let me know. I suppose there's always running up and down the stairs. I used to do that when I first started one of Jackie Warner's workout routines... but if I'm going to seriously try to be getting up at 6am to workout, then running up and down the stairs might defeat my whole "no one is up to bother me" purpose. lol

I think another reason maybe I fall off the bandwagon so quickly with exercise is because I've been so focused on lifting... and you can't do that every day. I really need to work in things on my off-lifting days. Things like HIIT (as I mentioned above), yoga, just plain old walking. I think if I can make exercise an almost-everyday thing, I may be able to keep up with it a little easier. The trick there is to make sure I actually give myself true "rest" days and not get obsessed and overwork myself.

This all seems way more complicated than it needs to be. Maybe I should simplify for a couple months.. until we get through the roughest part of winter. Instead of going through these intricate weight training/circuit training routines, just make myself to commit to planks/side planks, squats/deadlifts, push-ups/dumbbell rows 3 non-consecutive days a week, 15-20 mins of HIIT 3 times a week and yoga 2 times a week. So it would look something like this:

• Mon/Weds/Fri: Strength followed by HIIT - 15 minutes each
• Tues/Thurs: Yoga - 45 minute routine

Wow, doesn't that look EASY and NOT time consuming?! Totally doable, right?! 

Perhaps I will create a challenge... (because we all know how well that worked out the last time I did it HA!)

Oh! I almost forgot: I am starting a burpee challenge on December 1st. I'm not entirely sure I can even do one burpee... let alone work up to 100. But let's face it, even if I can only do one or a few, that is some sort of exercise I'm getting every. day.

How are all my readers faring with the sad winter weather? Is it affecting your motivation and healthy habits?

Unexpected Milestones

I weighed-in on Friday...

Official weight @ 11/9/2012: 191.2 lbs

That’s a 2.8 lbs loss from the previous week! MyFitnessPal informed me that I have now lost 25 lbs since January 1st.

I just realized this week that that means I am halfway to losing 50 lbs!!! I honestly never really thought it would happen. I thought for sure I would fail, and I'm currently struggling with allowing myself to recognize that this is a BIG DEAL. I'm allowed to be proud of myself, and I'm not allowed to dismiss this simply because it took me almost a year instead of 4-6 months. 25 lbs in 9 months is still a loss and because I'm losing slow and steady, the likelihood that I'll be able to keep that weight off is good.

There is part of me that still worries I will stick in the 190's for a long long time just because I feel more comfortable here than I was at 216. It's weird. I'm also concerned that when I reach goal weight (165-170), that I will still feel like I should lose more. Ugh. That would just be awful. But it's a very real concern - I mean, when you think about dedicating 7 years (on and off) to losing weight, how do you just flip that switch from "lose" to "maintain"? I think it will be a real struggle, but a struggle I'm forward to dealing with since that will mean I'll be back at a healthy weight!

So far so good on my November goals (with the exception of the consistent blogging!). I’m getting back on track with my training routine. This is week 2 (again) of Rachel Cosgrove’s Female Body Breakthrough. I got through Phase I only to promptly get sick and lose my motivation for most of the month of October. My current plan is to try to go ahead and move into the Phase II workouts starting tonight and see if I can push through. Even with heavier weights the Phase I workout doesn’t really feel challenging for me and I’m getting bored with it. If I get bored I’ll quit, and I really don’t want that to happen. I’m also trying to finish reading Lou Schuler’s New Rules of Lifting for Women. I feel like I’m forever starting health/fitness books and either a) not finishing them, or b) taking FOREVER to get through them.

(PS – remember when I said I was putting together a training routine for Mike? Y’know, like 3 months ago? Well, I FINALLY DID IT! Now we’ll see if he’ll actually use it…)

Somewhat regular readers may remember me talking about “The French Don’t Diet” a couple months back… yeah, definitely never finished that book. It’s sitting on my nightstand with a bookmark sitting about two-thirds of the way through. I took some of the advice from the book, such as:

• Mindful eating
• Embracing full-fat dairy (as long as it’s eaten in moderation)
• Recognizing activity is just as important as defined exercise

I will say on that last bullet point: for me, I think defined exercise is important. I have a specific picture in my head of what I want my body to look like. It used to be this:

Now it is this:

And I cannot reach the latter without incorporating focused and serious strength training into my weekly activity and routine. The French don’t diet – but they also don’t strength train. So while I’m glad that eating delicious full-fat yogurt and drinking amazing 2% or even whole milk is actually good for me (again, in moderation) and has the added benefit of providing me with the additional protein I need to build lean muscle mass, as well as the big push for eating whole foods and not processed junk is excellent – unfortunately the whole mindset of living “French” isn’t necessarily going to get me to the body I want. I’m not sure that I’ll finish the book, but there are some excellent recipes in the back that I’m going to give a try – and much of the advice as far as nutrition and portion control is spot-on, as well as the focus on not feeling guilty over what you eat all the time. Have a damn pastry every now and then! Eat that chocolate! Drink that glass of wine! Sounds like an excellent idea to me.  I’m happy that I can delve into all this different research, observation and advice and be able to recognize what works for me and what doesn’t and sort of blend it all together into what is (hopefully) a better lifestyle for me.

Now to address the “healthier eating” aspect of my goals:

I’m continuing to cook more at home and Mike and I are working hard to eat lunch at home more often not only for the sake of our health, but also for our wallet! That’s been the hardest. There’s just something that’s not quite “the same” as going home for lunch – there’s something about going somewhere that makes it feel like we really were able to escape work for an hour. When we go home a lot of the time I just want to stay there. In front of the tv. And take a nap. It sucks to have to go back to work. I’ll get over it, I just need to start expecting to go home instead of expecting to go out.

As far as cooking, though, I’m loving it! Also now that the baby is eating solids (he refuses to eat baby food now… which is sometimes incredibly inconvenient, but what can you do?), I pretty much have to cook or there’s nothing for him to eat! I feel terrible about the idea of feeding him chicken nuggets, mac’n’cheese, and hot dogs on a regular basis… I did that with James, but I was also 21 and didn’t know any damn better. Now I do! Teach healthy habits early and you won’t have to struggle with it later, right?

Let’s hope so.

My stress level seems to be balancing out a bit. I think it’s because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel signaling the end of our 3 months of being busy all the damn time. Next week I venture south to Arkansas for see my extended family for Thanksgiving. We’ll be there the entire week, and I’m hoping it will be the relaxing escape that I’m looking for. It usually is.

The funny thing about the stress level lowering is that things are not really better with James. In fact, it seems like his meltdowns are intensifying lately. This is what his doctor told us would happen, though. The storm before the calm, if you will.

The level of crazy it reaches is sometimes staggering. I didn’t realize a 7 year old knew how to be so mean. Last week while Mike was out of town, during one of these episodes, he told me (repeatedly, screaming at the top of his lungs) that I was the worst mother ever and that ever since he was born all I ever wanted to do was hurt him. It honestly got to the point where I was crying and literally begging him to stop, to please be quiet. At which point he screamed “NEVER!” in my face. He continued to go on and on about how I would “never get to play Chutes & Ladders with [him] again”, how he never wants me to spend his free-time with him again, etc.

Then… after it was all over (and after a phone call from Big Mama (this is what we call my mom) and an in-person visit from Big Papa (my dad)), he touched my face and said softly, “Mommy, I love you and didn’t mean those things I said. I don’t know why I said them. You can play Chutes & Ladders with me anytime you want. I love to play that game with you. I’m sorry I said those things.” And, unlike an emotionally abusive adult who may be making the apology as a method of manipulation to make you stay with them, this child is really sincerely so sorry and tearing up as he tells you he doesn’t know why he said those things to you… because he really doesn’t know. He just knows he gets so angry and he doesn’t know how to get rid of that anger inside him.

It is emotionally and physically exhausting, but I guess I’m getting used to it.

Just another reason it’s so important for me to keep up with my exercise routine! It’s a powerful physical outlet, plus it allows me to escape into whatever music I’m listening to and not have any expectation on me.

I’ve thought lately about doing some yoga with James, to see if that maybe helps him feel calmer as well as giving him some kind of physical outlet. It would certainly help my anxiety/stress levels, as well as provide some additional non-lifting exercise to do on my “rest” days. Perhaps I should add that as a goal for December – do yoga with James.

Hope you all enjoyed my novel of a post! I swear I’ll try to be better… I would say I’ll post more next week since I’ll be on vacation – but if I were you, I wouldn’t count on it. Lol

Official weigh-in after scale-free October!

So sorry, Dear Readers. I was out of town last weekend. I thought I had posted about weighing-in before leaving, but apparently I did NOT. That must have happened in my dreams.

Official Weight at 11/01/2012: 194 lbs

So my official loss for scale-free October was approximately 1.5 lbs. This probably would have been a better number had I actually exercised. My measurements stayed the same, with the exception of my body fat percentage. Apparently, a couple pounds equals a little over a 1% fat loss... interesting. New estimated body fat percentage: 31%

I have a lot of things I want to post about but they are all sort of bouncing around in my head and I can't really form them into whole thoughts that make sense right now. Please stay tuned, and I will get you guys a real post soon!