Positive Thoughts Week of 12/15/14

I fell waaaay off the bandwagon of keeping a running list of things that were positive and/or made me happy last week. And because of my terrible short-term memory, I don't really remember much of what I did last week. ...so here's what I remember:

• Spending lots of time with Mike - we hung out Sunday - Tuesday and didn't even get on each other's nerves. It was great. (I couldn't tell you what we actually did, but we spent time together lol)
• Trivia! Trivia was super fun and awesome last week. We had a really large group, as well as some folks who came out that can't normally make it. 
• Attended a kick-ass party at an old friend's house Friday night and got to see and spend time with some folks I haven't gotten to hang out with in a really long time.

So, while I stayed up/out way too late Friday night and fell ill Saturday night (which I'm still dealing with -- boo), overall it was a pretty good week for socializing. 

Now I'm just hoping I can recover from this sickness by Christmas and enjoy my holiday weekend. 

...and panic

Okay, now that we're tracking some positive points again.... on to the other stuff!

Beginning Monday night of last week, my panic/anxiety returned almost in full-force. After feeling really pretty good about my job (those of you who know me well know that that is HUGE for me), the stress and pressure started to pile on and I had moments of feeling like I was suffocating both physically and mentally. I kept telling myself I would take a telework day just to give myself some breathing room and a little peace and quiet, but Friday arrived and I had definitely been in the office a full day (and then some) every day. Last Wednesday was especially bad and I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin most of the day. It was the first full-blown panic attack I've had in almost a year. ...then I got a call as I was preparing dinner last Friday evening from my boss (who is also my mother-in-law) telling me that I had fucked up big time. I ended up having to go back into work for about an hour, and while I didn't get yelled at (like I thought I certainly would), I did get the "I'm disappointed in you" treatment. Which is almost worse. This has continued into this week. 

On top of this weird panic and anxiety, my body image is going down the toilet. I had a lot of issues with food and portion control last week spurned by the 10 lbs gain the scale reflected on December 5th after we returned from vacation. I'm not sure if this particular flavor of self-hate is a result of the stress/pressure at work, or if it is its own entity. I'm having a helluva time motivating to exercise consistently, and instead of wanting to take care of myself I seem to be punishing myself with too much food and not enough sleep. And do I even need to mention the inner-monologue? It's bad. I'm sick with myself over the way my body composition has changed over the last year, but that disgust and self-hate isn't helping me to actually do anything about it... it's certainly just making it worse. I'm so unhappy with my body, and while I know that "being skinny" isn't likely to make me 100% happy, I also know that gaining fat and reaching the point where I can't comfortably fit in my clothes anymore will definitely not make me any percentage of happy.

I'm struggling to recenter here. While this week I'm fairing a bit better with calorie intake, I'm still nowhere near a deficit and most days am eating above TDEE - although not by nearly as much as I was before. I did manage to run Friday and this Wednesday (I went ahead and started a couch-to-5k program after realizing it was a perfect "rehab" from my piriformis syndrome), and I've ordered some cold weather compression tights and a neck/face warmer thingie and hope to keep up with the runs despite the cold temperatures. I will say I have been very pleasantly surprised to find I haven't lost nearly as much of my endurance as I thought I would, having not run since August. That's both promising and motivating.

I tried to return to some sort of strength training routine Monday night, but I was all over the place. I can't decide what to do or what not to do; to stick with a bodyweight routine or go straight for the weights; for a beginner program or intermediate; a 5x5 or a more in-depth, complex structured program.

See? All over the place.

Not only was I discombobulated, but I wasn't putting in a whole lot of effort and sort of just stopped in the middle of the whole thing to stretch/foam roll and then go grab a shower. It may be time to consider joining the gym again. This would give me access to treadmills to run when it's raining/snowing and/or just plain frigid outside, plus access to all kinds of machines as well as a massive free-weight area with proper squat-racks, etc. to sort of poke through as I please.

I'm not sure what to do. A few local gyms have free week-long trial memberships, so that may be the best place to start. I belonged to Golds Gym for years and years and always liked it there, so I will probably end up back over there. It's also only 2 miles from my house, so it's convenient. Not much of an excuse to not go.

...now let's talk about sleep and some other issues that will be very TMI (you were warned).

I stopped taking my birth control in March of this year right around the time I began my whole 100 Days of Change thing. I had been having horrible migraines regularly for months and had tried cutting out all kinds of different stuff -- stopping the pill seemed to be the trick. The first couple cycles were totally normal and on-time for me. Very similar to how my body seemed to function as a teenager before I started birth control. ...then something happened. I have no idea what. I don't know if what I'm going through now is my new "normal", or what -- but my cycle is all over the goddamn place. I will start my period anywhere from 20 to 30 days (usually earlier, though), and every month, without fail, I have what I've begun calling a "mini-period" about a week before my real period starts. This is where my period pretends to start for 3 or 4 days... and then abruptly disappears... before reappearing for real 5 or 6 days later. Sometimes I'll even have TWO mini-periods in a month.

As you can imagine, it's incredibly inconvenient, uncomfortable, and frustrating. I have an appointment with a new obgyn (my regular ob is no longer in practice) on January 5th and I'm hoping he can shed some light on what the hell is going on. I guess it's entirely possible that this is just how my body operates when it isn't pumped full of artificial hormones... but it doesn't seem particularly normal to me. Going back on hormonal birth control is not an option for me. I tried that a couple months ago and immediately started having horrible migraines again. Stopped the pills, the headaches went away completely. So.. there's that.

Now, sleep. I've known for over a year now how important sleep is to me personally and how I operate mentally and emotionally. That's not even considering the scientific fact that sleep is what helps to regulate all the most important hormones in your body. I got pretty good earlier this year about regularly getting at least 7.5 hours of sleep. Sure, there were nights here or there where I got less - but they were few and far between. Lately I seem to have decided sleep is not important. I'm averaging about 6.5 hours the last few weeks and I'm starting to notice the affects on my daily mood and general functionality. As I get back into running and attempt to find some sort of strength training I can stick with, I realize more and more how important sleep is going to be if I want to be at all successful in changing my body composition, let alone any kind of successful weight loss.

And this is where we begin to harp on priorities - which may seem to be my most favorite past-time on this blog.

I need to get my priorities straight. Either exercising regularly, recovering from that exercise properly, and getting enough sleep to have the energy for the exercise in the first place and to recover from it once it's been done is my top priority OR getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, watching television, and staying up until 2 or 3am every Friday/Saturday/sometimes Wednesday night is my top priority.

Now, I'm trying really hard not to default to my usual black-and-white thinking on this issue. Getting enough down-time and sleep in order to assist in my get-healthy efforts is important, but spending time with my family and friends is also something that is almost equally important to me. As an extrovert, I thrive on my social interaction. To cut myself off from that is generally a big red flag that my depression is swallowing me whole -- and to inadvertently get cut off from that social interaction fuels my depression and anxiety big-time. That being said, there's no reason that all of that socialization must be in the form of imbibing alcohol and/or staying up late. There most certainly is some balance that can be applied. ...I just have to tell that voice in my head that says, "You're missing out" to shut the hell up because it's time for bed, damnit. 

At this moment I'm sort of in a "I give up" place with food and calories. If I keep stressing over it it's just going to fuel binge-like behavior. Better to focus on getting enough rest/sleep, embracing to motivation to exercise when it comes, and managing my stress levels.

So, that's where I am, Dear Readers. ...now, if only I can manage to update this thing more than twice a month...

Positive Thoughts Week of 12/08/14

Wow, okay, so... I really only have a couple positive things to report for the week of 12/08/14:

• Schedule an appt with a new obgyn to talk about my crazy irregular periods and what might be causing this
• Had a real open and honest session with my counselor since I started getting deep into my body-image and self-hate issues - I'm really looking forward to my next appointment
• Finally had my doc's office fax me my full blood panel numbers showing that (in January of 2014, at least) my lipid panel looks pretty damn impressive aside from slightly elevated triglycerides, which I'm think may probably just be genetic
• Had the opportunity Saturday night to spend some time with old friends we hadn't hung out with in far too long 

Now that I read over those, I realize those are some really BIG positive things, so it's okay if there's only a few of them. 

..I know I've been saying this for weeks, but I'm working on a draft (my 9th in as many days, btw), and hope to have an at-length update posted soon. 

Positive Thoughts Week of 12/01/14

I've decided to reboot my Positive Thoughts series. I began writing things down last week. I meant to post these on Monday of this week, but the rest of 2014 continues to fly through my fingers like so many grains of sand... (poetic, eh?)

Positives week of 12/1/14:

• First things first, Thanksgiving vacation was great. We did so many fun things with the kids and with family, and I am so super thankful to have gotten to spend so much time my cousins - especially getting to bond a bit with my cousin Katy who I get to chat with or spend time with very often!
• My sister Lillie was a HUGE help on vacation with our kids. My kids and I are super lucky to have her.
• Sleeping in one's own bed is awesome.
• Even though I've been MIA a bit on the blog, I've been writing a lot. Both on my laptop and by hand. It feels good.
• Mike and I have spent lots of time together just talking about things, which we don't get to do very often.
• Wednesday of last week was the happiest I've been in years. There's was nothing special happening, just the usual stuff, but I was in a spectacular mood and that was the most amazing feeling.
• My whole weekend was spent hanging out with new friends and it was great!
• Despite the hangover, I was able to get lots of chores and errands done on Sunday and generally be a productive member of society.

"No Excuses"

It's a phrase that Jillian Michaels is very fond of - and that lots of my friends and bloggers and folks within the health/fitness community have grabbed onto for dear life. 

"No excuses."

A lot of the time when I see people throwing this around, posting inspirational memes featuring it, or sharing their gym check-in or weekly progress photo splattered with this text, I think to myself, "Well, actually, there are ots of very real and serious excuses for why someone may not be able to workout/diet to a certain intensity." I sort of brush this mantra as a bunch of malarkey, going along my merry way doing the same things over and over that aren't particularly working for me when it comes to the realm of get-fit/get-slim. 

Mike and the kids and I just returned from our almost-annual Thanksgiving trip down to Arkansas. The weather was beautiful this year and we did lots of fun things along with spending time with friends and family. We took Nolan to his first movie (Big Hero 6), went to the zoo, hit the Museum of Discovery (super fun, we will definitely go back!), celebrated Nolan's 3rd birthday, spent a few afternoons at the playground, took walks, etc. Keeping so busy, I hit my or exceeded my 10,000 step goal everyday and slept hard almost every night. With all this keeping busy and visiting and Thanksgiving-ing, calorie tracking fell to the wayside. We ate a lot of home-cooked meals at my Granny's house and went to a few local mom-and-pop restaurants, both of which are not easy to track accurately. Tuesday-Saturday I did zero calorie tracking/counting. 

(I promise this is all going to be relevant in a minute.)

We got back home Sunday afternoon, we just wanted to get home as quickly as possible and ate a LOT of fast food for breakfast and lunch to avoid stopping to extended periods of time on the final 360 mile leg. We were also exhausted when we got home. And starving. We ordered out for dinner... and then Mike and I decided Dairy Queen was in order for catching up on The Walking Dead. Talking about some seriously poor food choices. I decided to log the calories anyway - to get back "on track"... I hit 3500 calories for the day and I'm sure I missed at least a couple food items. 

Now, while I was in Arkansas doing my thing, not counting calories, eating whatever I wanted, I had several moment of, "This calorie counting thing is a bunch of crap and I'm so much happier this way! I can totally just whatever I want forever and be fine!" But Sunday showed me that, no, I really can't. Monday was a similar experience. Back at home, back to work, and not a completely out-of-the-ordinary pizza dinner at my in-laws, which included some ice cream I ate but didn't really want. After getting home I decided to have some bread and olive oil and a little bit of fruit... aside from my morning oatmeal, the best food choices I made all day. I still went over my calorie target by a couple hundred. I couldn't motivate to do my workout, although Mike and I took a walk at lunch. I've completely fallen off the bandwagon with my #365daysofchange updates. I feel like I'm lying to myself and my followers because I'm not really working on any type of real, honest "change" right now. 

Bear with me while I shift into reverse for a moment and revisit what I said a couple paragraphs up: I'm going along doing the same things over and over that aren't working for me in my efforts to lose weight/fat. 

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks today. I've been harping on myself for months years about "commitment", "motivation", "drive", and "willpower" - but really what it boils down to is this: I'm never going to change my habits and my lifestyle by doing things I don't really enjoy and can't get excited for. I can't keep restarting the same workout programs and/or diet strategies when I'm consistently falling off within a few weeks or months. Something obviously isn't clicking for me if it's so easy for me to just drop it all and not have a single care to give about whether or not I get back "on track". 

Part of me thinks maybe I should just delete MyFitnessPal and Fitocracy and Runtastic and MapMyWalk and all the other zillions of health and fitness related apps I have living on my phone that drive me bonkers and make me feel guilty and wrong in how I live my life and the action I choose to take throughout each day. (Run-on sentence alert!)

Sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of just letting it all go. 

The other part of me think that I am just making excuses. And there should be No Excuses. Just do it. No pain, no gain. And all those other cliche fitness mantras. Just baked the four pounds of chicken every Sunday. Buy and bake ALL THE SWEET POTATOES. Prepare ALL THE FRUIT and ALL THE SALAD to snack on. Get ride of the Oreos and the Danish butter cookies and the ice cream. Say NO to the weekly ritual of eating a Blizzard while catching up on Walking Dead, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Modern Family, Gotham, or any of the other 37 television shows I "have" to watch!! ...say NO to watching so much goddamn television! Stop wasting so much time on social media! Say YES to funneling the eating out money and beer money and Dairy Queen money to a gym membership. Say YES to finding a group of gym buddies to motivate and inspire me. Say YES to earlier bedtimes and earlier wake-up times to fit in the run, the circuits, the HIIT, the heavy lifting. Say YES to taking care of and loving myself and my body so that I can be healthy and live a long time with my husband and our beautiful children. 

Why is that all so hard to say yes to?

Why is it so easy for me, as I sit here typing this up, to be putting together counter-arguments in my head? "You've gotta live life, Jess. You've gotta have fun. You've done so much better about going out and how many drinks you have each week. You love trivia and that group of friends and those 2 beers you have with that delicious brick oven pizza every Wednesday. Why should you give that up? And your tv shows... that's something you and Mike do together a couple times every week, something that guarantees you'll make time for each other. That's important, too, right? Not to mention the kids... if you're gone to the gym around your work schedule everyday, when do you spend time with them?"

Obviously some of these points are slightly exaggerated - have we all met me before? Exaggeration is my biggest talent. Obviously an hour at the gym isn't going to ruin my relationship with my kids. And giving up some television isn't going to ruin my life or my marriage. But this is a great example of the battles that rages inside my brain on a daily basis. I have this person that I think I want to be, but I can't decide if I really actually want to be that person. It seems that I if I really did want to change and become this other me, maybe it would be easier to make the right decisions to put myself on that path. Do I not because I'm I'll lose friends? Maybe. Because change is scary? Most definitely. 

I also have to ask myself if I'll regret the sacrifices later in life. ...but I can't imagine I could regret reversing a path toward heart disease or diabetes or cancer. I can't imagine I could regret living to an age as a healthy, able-bodies individual vs a sick person. 

Earlier this year, as I approached my 30th birthday, I kept having these attacks of mortality. It was what drove me to start my #100daysofchange challenge. And yet, those attacks have fled - here I am wondering to myself, why can I not grasp my mortality? Why am I feeling lately like I have all the time in the world to create good habits and get healthy? Most importantly, why do I look at my kids' crappy eating habits and, at least for James, total aversion to any type of physical activity and think to myself that it's okay because they are young and have all this time to change those bad habits? Why can I not commit the time and money to getting them involved in something active even just a couple times a week? 

It just really isn't all that hard. And, yet, I guess I'm just selfish because my own health and my family's health never seems to be at the top of my priority list. I'd say maybe it's the depression, but I wonder if that's an excuse. "No excuses." 

Here we are in December already (when did that happen???) and I don't know how I'm going to move forward into 2015. I don't how to reset my life goals and get a grip on the path I'd like to pursue. I have some serious thinking and planning to do. When I will have a few hours or days or peace and quiet to do that, who knows? 

Deciding to get back to updating this blog twice-weekly could be a great first step, so I guess we'll start there.