A little taste of life

Man, what a fuckin’ week, dudes. What a week. I feel like I’ve dealt with so much ugliness from so many different directions this week between work and personal, even just dealings with random strangers while runningerrands, etc. Maybe this is my punishment for managing to avoid actual high school? (Since I was homechooled and all…) It just feels like there’s been a lot of unnecessary drama, some of which I even instigated. Makes me feel real grown-uplike… NOT.

Honestly, I don’t think we ever really leave high school. College is just one big high school with no parents and teachers who don’t haveto be responsible for your idiocy. Work is just one big high school where thereis no supervision of any kind from a personal standpoint and people are allowed to just run rampant with their pettiness and meanness with little consequence, creating little cliques in the name of office “politics”. Social media just promotes all of this, of course. In all facets of life. I would be lying if I said I didn’t take part of any of these facets, but I can honestly say that I try really hard not to. Our immaturity and insecurity and passion sometimes get in the way of our adulthood and get the best of us.

All this crap that was happening this week got me thinking about my young(er) adulthood. I had a lot of drama in my life.. It took me a long time (probably much too long) to realize that this “exciting” stuff going on in my life that made for excellent story-telling, regularly took me to a dark place of wanting to isolate and regular impulsive decision making. The amount of “friend drama” going on in my life was taking a bitter, bitter toll on my marriage and affecting my ability to focus energy on my child (there was only the one at the time). Then I got pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy made me incredibly depressed. Like to the point where I had to start counseling at the end of my second trimester. There were a few different factors here, but mostly it was because I lost a lot of who I felt I was with the pregnancy. I felt like I couldn’t be as social, I couldn’t go as many places, I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t smoke (or even really be around it for the most part, as the smell made me feel nauseous), I couldn’t stay up late, I couldn’t eat certain things, etc, etc. On top of that i struggled with feeling like these were stupid things to define "who I am", and the self-loathing that and negative inner-monologue that followed definitely got the best of me. I feel like a lot of my friendships ended because I couldn't or wouldn't participate in my "usual" social interaction. Some of them I "feel" like I lost, and some of them I legitimately did lose. But I think this ended up being a giant blessing in disguise. I got rid of a lot of toxicity in my life, and I was finally able to focus on my own issues instead of everyone else’s and really grow as a person. And, of course, that depressing pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby boy who brings me joy (and anguish lol) every day and is an amazing addition to our family.

There is much to say for being in a place of well thought-out planning and healthy relationships not only with others, but with myself. It's much more exciting than the the constant drama.  It’s exciting because it makes it a billion times easier to feel happy and actually be happy. It’s exciting because it allows me to build better bonds with the people and activities in my life that are important. It makes me a helluva lot more productive during my workday. But mostmostmost importantly: it allowed me to be happier and more present in my marriage and to repair and build a better relationship with my husband, as well as having the emotional energy for my kids and all they require.

The amount of maturing I’ve done in the last 2 years is a little frightening. Sometimes I barely recognize myself – but not because I’m lost in this “new” me, it’s because I have successfully changed almost all of the things I disliked about myself. Unfortunately, a side-effect of this is that some of those things you don’t like about yourself, other people like the best. Once you don’t behave in a certain way or agree with certain ways of thinking or certain behaviors, those people don’t want to be around you as much anymore and stop inviting you to hang out.

I can happily say I’m reaching a point where I’m okay with this. Sometimes my feelings still get hurt. Sometimes I have to remember that playground mantra of “sticks and stones” – but overall I am a better, happier, stronger, healthier person/wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend. I am proud of myself. I even LIKE myself. For me, there is nothing more freeing. I don’t need to depend on others to like me or praise me or desire me in order to feel good about myself anymore.

p.s.

I'm in the process of drafting a weigh-in and NROLFW update, but this life victory needed to come first. Fuck the NSV's... I've become a victor at life, and that's more important than any body measurement. 

The Next Steps

I spoke too soon, folks. I said I would be starting my strength training and continue to wrap-up 30DS. I lied. I did it one day. It's too much. And it took me nearly an hour, which is time I don't always have. That was one reason I was able to stick with 30DS so regularly and consistently - 20-25 minutes. I have or can make time for 30 mins a day. No problem. An hour? Not so much. Not to mention I was bored with it and unimpressed with my results from the final two levels. That sort of makes it easier to just.. stop doing something. lol

So this is what I'm doing: New Rules of Lifting for Women (NROLFW) Stage 1, workouts A/B, followed by 10-15 minutes of HIIT intervals. Total time this takes me is roughly 30-35 minutes. I will be doing NROLFW 3 days a week - if I can't always fit in the HIIT, I'm not worried about it. I am definitely starting lunch-break walks when the weather starts to warm up, which should be SOON!!! March is almost here, folks!! With the yoga, my current goal is to do at least 2-3 repetitions (roughly 10-15 mins) of sun salutations on the weekday mornings that I get up with the baby (at 6:30am - ugh - Mike and I switch off on who gets up) - this will give me a little boost for the day and help relieve some of the muscle tightness happening from my lifting. On my rest days I'd like to get in a full yoga workout, probably 30-40 minutes. Since this is a rest day activity, if I can't fit it in I'm not worried about it. Not all rest days have to be "active" rest days, obviously. The program doesn't even require you have active rest days, so I should be good to go.

Okay, so I've officially done a full week of NROLFW. And I'm hurting. A lot. But I really love it! Saturday morning I did my second round of Workout A, which includes my favorite core exercise: Prone Jackknife. The videos make this look deceptively easy. It's not. It's about the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm supposed to complete 8 reps, I barely managed to squeeze out 4 the first time I did workout A and fell off the ball several times in the process. - this time I nailed the 8 on the first set, but when I came back around for the second I only hit 6.

One thing I'm doing with this program is tracking my reps/weight for each set of lifts. I've actually never done this before, but I'm excited about it because I'll really be able to see my progress and strength gains. Even though this is a "heavy lifting" program, you obviously don't start out pumping out 200lbs bench presses and squats, so most of the lifts I'm currently doing either at body weight in order to work on my form, or I'm using between 8-10lbs dumbbells for exercises I'm more familiar with like bent-over rows. I don't currently have a barbell set, but I'm hoping to be able to make this purchase within the next month or so, as well as get a bench that will give me ability to do incline presses, etc.

One thing that I'm noticing right off the bat with this program is that I am STARVING all. the. time. I cannot get enough to eat. It doesn't matter if I stuff myself with tons of nutrient dense foods with healthy fats and protein, or total junk food (potato skins anyone?)... within an hour of eating, I feel like I may die. This has caused me to far exceed my current calorie goal of 1800 nearly every day for almost two weeks. NROLFW suggests not cutting any calories when you first begin the program and gives you calculations to do in order to estimate what you should be eating on workout and non-workout days. My numbers are as follows: 2130 non-workout, and 2400 workout days . This is straight TDEE, so I would not record my exercise calories. For those of you that check out my MFP food diary, get ready to stop seeing exercise logs that reflect a calorie burn. This way I don't have to be tempted to "eat back" my exercise calories, when really I should just be focusing on my TDEE.

I've decided to switch my weigh-in days to Monday morning, instead of Fridays. This is because, ideally, I'll be lifting Mon/Wed/Fri (that obviously didn't happen this week) - this way I'll hopefully avoid that muscle water retention weight showing on the scale. I'll continue to do my measurements on the weekends simply because of the time that takes me. And speaking of measurements... here are my beginning numbers for NROLFW:

As of 2/23/2013:
Weight: 190.6 lbs
Estimated Body Fat: 33.6% (I had post on MFP the other day that I was down to 32.2%, but unfortunately I measured incorrectly the first time around. I'm not as good with the calipers as I think I am, apparently. So now I'm using an estimator that bases off of a BILLION different measurements... like neck, wrists, forearm, etc, etc. I'll continue using that same estimator from here on out.)
Chest (across bust in sports bra): 38"
Waist: 33.5"
Waist at naval: 36.5"
Hips: 44.5"
Bicep: 12"
Thigh: 26.5"

There are a few measurements that went up slightly from my last check-in - my waist, hips, and thighs. The waist.. I dunno what's going on there - possibly bloat from my poor food choices last week and/our the fact that I started my period this weekend. However, for the hips and thighs I definitely am gaining muscle mass in my glutes and quads as I can really see the difference in shape of both of those areas of my body - and it is a happy, happy difference! So I will take the slight uptake in inches for the time being! Build that muscle, body! GET IT!

The scale finally moved a bit, too. I took 3 days of rest leading up to my last weigh-in, and I think this made all the difference. Hence, changing my weigh-in day to Mondays. Interested to see how tomorrow morning works out.

I am feeling completely ADD tonight and am having a really hard time focusing on writing this, so I'm going to just end it here. I will let everybody know how the weigh-in goes tomorrow!

Becoming a Defeatist

Official weight @ 2/15/2013: 192 lbs - no change in measurements

I only did 30 Day Shred twice this week. Monday and Wednesday. I took 20-30 minute walks on my lunch break both Thursday and Friday. I was active, I just wasn't as active as doing the 30DS workout... and I'm struggling with whether or not I'm okay with this.

Thursday was Valentine's Day, which is why I didn't do the workout - I was spending time with my hubby. Friday morning was weigh-in... where the above number was revealed to me. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I was complete and totally defeated. Took my measurements, and those hadn't changed either. I did not do my body fat percentage, as I ran out of time and needed to get ready for work - and then just plain forgot Saturday morning because, well, I was pissed off and was kind of like, "Take THAT, Body! See if I care what your BF% is right now! You can go to hell!".

The negative: what is the point of putting in the time, pushing yourself to intensity on a regular basis, and counting calories and trying to make smarter food choices when obviously it does NOTHING?! I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fucking starve myself to see the scale move. I will not restrict my calorie intake to a measly 1400 calories a day and risk destroying what little lean muscle mass I do have and ruin my metabolism - but sometimes I can't help but feel like maybe that is my only option. I feel like my only option is to be hungry and miserable and guilty all the time.

The positive: So, I feel like my only option is to be hungry, miserable, and guilty in order to see the number on my scale move... and then I think: screw that noise. Why do I care what that scale says? Do I LOOK like I weigh nearly 200lbs? Absolutely not! Do I feel like I weigh this much? NOPE! Am I wearing the same size clothing I wore at 180lbs 4 years ago? Sure as hell am! Do I feel awesome after my workouts, has exercising helped me to almost completely quit smoking (only 3 cigarettes this whole week, folks!),  has exercising made my sleep better and forced me to quit staying up way too freaking late on weeknights? ALL OF THE ABOVE!

I feel so much more confident in my body, these last few weeks. I have had so many non-scale victories. My body image is so much better. My inner-monologue is so much more positive and healthy. I no longer have anxiety and worry that I'm "having a stroke" (my way of saying "I feel weird" or "my body is mad at me"). I pretty much no longer have anxiety. Period. THAT IS HUGE. Obviously I have normal anxiety, such as stress over work and kids and stuff - but that irrational anxiety that classifies me as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder? GONE. When it comes to freaking out over things that are not actually happening to me or happening inside my body, this is now me:

The freedom in that is.. indescribable. I'm almost to the point where I am no longer going to weigh myself, except that I would first like to complete a little experiment - more on this in a moment. First:

So now I find myself in a bit of a pickle. One of the biggest pet peeves I have with myself is that I feel like I am, well... a half-asser. I start little projects or experiments or what-have-you, and then I never finish them. I have four days left on 30 Day Shred. FOUR DAYS. But since my little run-in with my scale and measuring tape Friday morning, I want not to spend any time officially finishing the last four days of this program. I want to throw this DVD in the garbage. Perhaps set it on fire and then send Jillian Michaels a nasty letter.

I know full-well I would have seen much better results had I been eating clean for 90% of my meals while doing this program. Please don't remind me of this. As I said before, one thing at a time right now. This is also part of why I'm sort of at odds with myself for being pissing off about my results. However, I still feel like I should have gotten SOMETHING out of the last 4 weeks of this... major loss in inches after Level 1, and then nothing since. That seems kind of.. wrong. But I digress...

So I don't want to finish the last four days, but I also don't want this to be one more thing that I'm half-assing. I want to be able to say I did the whole program. It's only 20 minutes, for chrissake. So, as of this moment, I feel like I WILL do the final four days. BUT (here's the kicker, and the experiment I mentioned up there), I think tomorrow I will also start the New Rules of Lifting for Women program. Stage one is very basic stuff that, for some movements, requires starting with just your body weight. I can easily do this and use 30DS as more of my cardio session post lifting. Once 30DS is wrapped up, I will continue to do HIIT routines post lifting twice a week and maybe yoga on my non-lifting days. I will continue weighing myself weekly and see if heavy lifting is what my particular body responds better to. Something tells me this will be a much more successful endeavor for me.

Here's hoping!!!

Stay tuned.

Starting Level 3/Photos

First and foremost - check out my new kicks:

Hells yeah! They're Reebok RealFlex Scream's - and I love them. I have a pair of RealFlex Transitions I bought shortly after Nolan was born, but my feet were still so fat and swollen from, well... being fat and swollen... that I had to buy an 11 at the time. Now that I've lost the babyweight and then-some, I'm back to my normal size 10.

Last Wednesday night I began Level 3 of 30 Day Shred - almost a week ago now (it's taken me SO LONG TO DRAFT THIS!). It's intense! 100% more intense than Level 2. I don't know what to do with myself. My first run through I couldn't finish more than 4 or 5 reps of some of the exercises. Day 2? Much better. But doing 30 squat-jumps in 30 seconds is hard. Renegade rows with leg raises? Also freaking HARD. Doing 20 of them? Nearly impossible. I took two rest days over the weekend, as this Level has really been hurting the muscles - especially the abs. Better to rest than to rip your abdominals - that's what I always say! (okay, not really. This is actually the first time.) So I'm currently on Day 5.

Here are my End Level 2/Begin Level 3 photos:

 

 Now please enjoy this picture of my lady muscles:

I'm pretty proud looking at these pictures. Especially the definition in my arms. Want. More.

Right now I'm trying to lay out my plan of action for post-30 Day Shred. I had originally wanted to move right into Ripped In 30 (this is what I said in my prior post, actually). But now I'm reconsidering. Even though my fitness level has increased quite a bit since starting 30DS and I had an initial big change in measurements - my stats are disappointing me. I originally had thought Ripped in 30 was more strength oriented, but it isn't. It's basically just a revved up version of 30DS. While 30DS has been an excellent workout and aspects have been challenging, I'm not seeing as much change in my body as I'd like to.

I picked up The New Rules of Lifting for Women back in November. I'm re-reading it currently, and thinking I may really want to give that a try. The whole program is a 6 month commitment, but Stage 1 is just 8 weeks. It may be worth giving it 8 weeks and seeing the difference between heavy weight circuit training vs "barbie weight"/high rep circuit training. I would definitely throw some HIIT in there, too, which the plan allows for. I hate cardio in general, but I'm learning to love HIIT. I mostly love that it only takes 15-20 minutes, creates an insane after-burn and has more benefits than traditional steady-state cardio.

Part of this stall/plateau with my weight loss is my diet, and I fully understand that. I also understand that I can only tackle one thing at time right now with my personal and professional stress level. Last year it was easier for me to focus on calorie intakes, this year it's easier to focus on exercise. Once I'm officially addicted to getting a near-daily training session in, we'll focus more intently on that whole "clean eating" deal. I've been doing much better the last couple weeks. But don't expect to see any kind of VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) or even what most people would consider a "low calorie diet" from this girl. After much research and reading, I've found that regularly eating below your BMR/RMR (basal/resting metabolic rate) can destroy your current lean muscle mass - add a ridiculous amount of cardio to that? Well, you can say bye-bye to your resting metabolism. Occasionally having a day here or there where you eat below your BMR/RMR isn't going to kill you - obviously. People do it every day. For years, even. It's essentially our modern standard of a "diet". But doing it regularly can cause long-term, and sometimes permanent damage to the way your metabolism operates due to the decrease in lean muscle mass. Sure, you'll be skinny. Skinny and soft and flabby.

I'd much rather my weight loss/fat loss take me another year following the TDEE (Total Daily Energy Expenditure) minus 15-20% method while regularly lifting heavy things, than drop 30 lbs in 2 months only to gain back the moment I go back to eating "normally". And honestly? If I could just break the indoctrination of thinking the scale is what matters, I'd be good. If I could be at 22% body fat and weigh 191.2 lbs, I'm just going to go out on a limb and say: I'd be totally okay with that. The possibility that I would still weigh that much at 22% body fat? Not likely. But it is likely that I might weigh 175 lbs at that percentage, which right now is quite a bit higher than my current "goal weight" ideal.

I feel like I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely. Part of me thinks this plateau has been a good thing. It's forced me to look at how the shape of my body is changing instead of just the number on that stupid scale.  ...if I'm still seeing "191.2" in another month, it may be time to think about replacing my scale battery lol!

I have had some encouraging milestones. I've had a number of non-scale victories over the last couple weeks - a major one has been feeling more comfortable in my clothes. I don't stress out nearly as much over what I'm going to wear for work. I just pull something out of my closet and go! That's huge for me.

I'm really looking forward to wrapping 30 Day Shred and moving on to something different, whether that be Ripped In 30 or NROLFW. I'm also really proud of myself for sticking with a routine for the last 5 weeks! I definitely recommend the Jillian Michaels' DVDs for anyone who has a tendency to get bored with workouts. The moment you start getting that glazed-over look, it's time to start a new workout! It's helped me stay on track, for sure.

Well, this post sort of petered out since it took me nearly a week to draft and I continually was interrupted by life. I guess I may need to start sacrificing some of that TV time for blogging time... soon it will be May and all the shows will be over for the season. Part of me is pretty excited about that. Ha.

I have this brilliant idea of coming up with a blog "schedule", if you will - where I update about specific things on specific days... for example: Wine Wednesday - where I shall review a wine for you every week! Fat Fridays - weigh-in days and updates! ...maybe not "fat" Friday... maybe "fit" Friday would be better... etc, etc. You get the idea. I'm brainstorming it right now. Don't get your hopes up too high. We all know how long it takes me to get it together with this damn thing.

Hope you all are doing well out there in Reader Land! Stay tuned, don't abandon me!!

Coming Soon!!

A new and heavily researched post! It's taking me forever! I'm sorry!

Also - I may be coming up with an actual "schedule" for posts... like talking about certain things on certain days... so force myself to be better about updating.

Love you all!!

Lots of catching up!

It's February already! AHH!

Well… I completed only one of my January goals, and that was to start 30 Day Shred. I did not do a single yoga session with James but on a positive note: he has done a couple 30DS workouts with me, and has been having mostly “green” days in school, so we must be doing something right lately.

I ate worse in January than I have in months. The holidays can’t even compare to the amount of fast-food and restaurant food that was consumed last month. So for February my goals are to:

• Break the fast-food habit
• Finish up 30DS
• Do at least ONE yoga workout with my kid during the month

Friday James and I went to check out a taekwondo school that offers aftercare services as well, but it seems like a huge commitment, and I'm not entirely sure he's interested in it. He did, however, earn his yellow belt in judo last week! So maybe we should just stick to judo for now.

Friday was weigh-in as most of you know… in which I reached a full month of plateau:

Official weight @ 02/01/2013: 191.2 lbs

That number is just too familiar to me these days. I would like very much to say bye-bye to the 190s. After doing some research and getting some advice from some friends over at MFP, I’m taking my calories back down to a solid 1800 for at least the next 2 weeks.

I hate counting calories.

By the end of this year I will be at goal weight and/or body fat and maintaining a regular exercise routine complete with heavy lifting and regular HIIT cardio… at which point I may actually allow myself to quit counting calories for a little while to see how I do. Sometimes, I’m afraid I actually eat more when I’m counting… like I look at that app and I see, “You have 542 calories left for today!” and I go find something to eat to just get those calories in. I’m a weirdo, I don’t know what else to tell you. But, anyways, that’s not really anything I should worry about right now since I’m very much not in maintenance mode, and need to be in losing mode.

Okay, so I haven’t lost weight… but I did do my BF% Saturday morning using a 3-point caliper measurement:

Official estimated body fat percentage @ 2/1/2013: 33.6%

1% loss in a little under 2 weeks – I’ll take it. Well, I have to take it because it’s the only thing to take… sigh.

I am officially past the half-way mark on 30DS and I'm still really enjoying it. Yesterday I did a catch-up workout for what I missed Thursday, and I don't know what my deal was but it was SO HARD. It was day 8 of Level 2, so I'm totally confused as to why it would all of a sudden be rough.. but my energy level was non-existent. I felt like I was going to die from minute 2 of the warm-up. I hope I'm not fighting germs. Hoping tonight will be better. I can't believe I start Level 3 in just 2 days! I previewed it the other day... more sneaky ab work! I'm excited for it, though.

I ordered Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30 the other day. I'm going to start that. February 18th or somewhere around that date. If I do 30DS every day from this point forward, my final day will be February 15th. That's my plan, but I may need a rest day or two in there. Over-training won't help me at all. If I don't wrap until later in the month, my plan is to do HIIT until I hit a Monday to start Ripped in 30. Ripped in 30 also comes with a diet plan which might be good for me since I've been so crappy on my eating lately.

Coming up, for anyone who wants to participate: 30 days alcohol free. I believe I'll be doing it in March, with a possible exception for St. Patrick's day, because I can't deny my Irish heritage lol.

This was an idea I came up with a while back when I was having a drink or two almost every day, plus my normal splurging on weekends - I thought doing this would also help me quit smoking totally. Since that time I have cut back significantly. I rarely drink Sun-Thurs, and even on the weekends I'll have 2, maybe 3 drinks in the evenings, but usually only if I go out somewhere. I didn't even have a beer for Super Bowl this past weekend! This has also helped me cut back on smoking. I would say I'm smoking less-than 10 cigarettes a week. Last week I only had 6, and most of those were Friday night because, well, work sucks right now and drinking a bottle of wine sounded like a good idea. See the alcohol/cigarette correlation for me? We'll see.

So that's what's been going on with me. I am super sorry I have been so terrible about updating lately. I am in my “busy season” at work, and it’s been absolute hell. I am so tired, so stressed out, and so riled up about everything lately. I get home and just want to eat my dinner, do my workout, and go to bed. So that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing. It’s been rough, and April cannot get here fast enough – both for the weather and for the end of this crappy work season.