Why I rarely drink caffeine...

In case you didn't know - caffeine is highly addictive. That's right. I'm sure you're SHOCKED. This is just one of the reasons why I rarely drink caffeine.. maybe twice a week. Maybe. Well, last night I drank the equivalent of about 4 cans of coke... and then spent the next 4 hours just lying awake in my bed feeling all twitchy/jittery and panic-attacky... thanks to that MASSIVE influx of caffeine right before bed here I am at work 4 hours later feeling a little like I'm going to die. No more massive amounts of caffeine before bed for this girl... unless I have the opportunity to catch up on lost sleep the next day.

Now, the other irritating thing: there's no way I'm realistically going to the gym this afternoon. I will HAVE to have a nap. Lest I spend my workout with migraine auras. Because that's how my body works. Woo. -.-

Okay, so I know I have to post 2 days of stats - I forgot to hop on the scale yesterday (AGAIN), but I did manage to remember to do it this morning... fully dressed as I was walking out the door for work. Which doesn't really give me an accurate number. Fully dressed I was at 201.8 - which probably really means like 199. So, I packed on about 3 pounds over the last couple weeks. I'm cool with that, it's the holidays, it was somewhat expected. Next week as life-in-general returns to normal (hopefully along with my sleep schedule) I'll be in the gym 3-4 days a week and back on my normal high-vegetation/low-calorie diet.. instead of the current eat-whatever-I-feel-like-'cause-it's-the-holidays-bitches diet.

Stats for 12/27:

• total calories: 1806 - including some wine which made me feel like the walking dead YESTERDAY morning... it's been a rough week for me. Fo' sho'. 
• calories burned: 350 - got a great workout in at the gym, lots of weight training which felt AMAZING. 
• 1 cigarette
• 1am bedtime - eeesh...
• $4 on lunch ($36 left for the week)

Stats for 12/28:

• total calories: 2000 - stupid coka-cola ruining my sleep AND my calorie-count... I maybe would have done better sticking with the Mich Ultra
• no workout
• 8 cigarettes *wince*
• got in bed around midnight... didn't fall asleep til about 4am.. *headdesk*
• $11 lunch/drinks ($25 left for the week)

Holiday Review

So, obviously, I haven't posted since the 21st - which was last Tuesday. Of course I have eaten since then. Of course I've completely neglected my blog. But it was Christmas, what do you expect?

I did really decent with my calorie intake, with the exception of Christmas day on which I ate about 2500 calories. But, hey, that is still pretty good considering the amount of food that was available! My only saving grace Christmas Eve was that I managed to stuff my belly full of cocktail shrimp so I was too full to eat any of the more fattening/high calorie foods sitting out. lol

I did not weigh myself this morning, as I completely forgot what I was doing in the mad rush to actually get to work on time after dreaming all night long about just NOT going to work, or being incredibly late, or forgetting, etc, etc, etc... those dreams are the WORST. I'll weigh in tomorrow and maybe even take the time to do full-scale measurements - not just my waist.

Let me throw my weekend stats out there and then I'll talk a little bit about Christmas..

12/25:

• total calories: 2500 - including a few glasses of wine... delicious. :)
• 30 minutes of Just Dance 2 on the Wii - OH YEAH FUN CARDIO! I'll say maybe 150 calories burned there lol
• maybe 4 cigarettes? I can't remember... I bummed a few off my mom while I was enjoying my wine. 
• 1am bedtime - Mike and I did not do very well on bedtimes the whole weekend because my mom got us a little DVD player for our bedroom and we decided The Lord of the Rings would be the PERFECT before bed movie... lol
• I spent no money over the actual weekend - I spent $15 Thursday night when we went out with some friends. I have $20 leftover from last week. Pretty awesome. Not gonna lie.

12/26:

• total calories: 1655 - I think I was still full from dinner the night before haha
• calories burned: 200 - played Just Dance for about an hour with Mike, may have burned more than this but I'm not gonna over estimate. 
• 0 cigarettes
• 11:30 bedtime - woo!
• $0 spent

We had an excellent Christmas - Santa brought us a Wii!! Mike got me the Just Dance game (in case you didn't pick up on that already lol), we also got Mario Kart Wii and Super Mario Bros Wii... so awesome! We love that thing. James was totally ecstatic over all his gifts and we got some great family movies that we enjoyed watching yesterday. It was so amazing to have all day yesterday to just chill out and play with all the new stuff! I wish Mike and I had had enough vacation to have been able to take this week off work, too, but maybe next year. Although I'm beginning to think I'll NEVER have any vacation time saved up. Seems like every time I get a couple days something comes up and I have to use it for "non-fun" things. :-\  Oh, well. 

So overall: excellent holiday!

I think my main downfall this weekend was the amount of sweets I ate - the majority of my calorie counts Fri-Sun were cookies/pie, etc. I think it might be a bit tough to break that habit this upcoming week of wanting to stuff my face with sugar. We'll see how it goes. I'm planning to hit the gym a least 3 times this week. I'm thinking that shouldn't be too difficult since we have Friday off and I'm sure the gym will be open almost-normal hours that day. I did, however, forget to grab my gym bag to bring to work this morning - but I'm pretty sure we're going home for lunch today so I can get it then. 

Goals for this week:

- 1900 calories a day or less

- go to the gym 3 days

- take full-body measurements

- smoke as little as possible

- limit 3 alcoholic beverages per outing/get-together excepting New Years Eve (we'll be at home that night so I won't have to worry about that whole driving thing either)

The thing about pumpkin pie...

...is I want to eat the WHOLE PIE. I honestly could. All 2080 calories of it. If that's all I ate the whole day that wouldn't be so bad... would it?

I do have to say it makes for an excellent post-dinner desert. I'm going to give myself Christmas Eve and Christmas day to eat whatever I damn well please. Calorie counting be damned! It will be my holiday treat to myself... and then Monday I'll be in the gym working it all off and hating myself for it. lol Maybe.

I feel like I'm finally starting to learn that I don't have to guilt myself into oblivion every time I go slightly over my calorie goal, or can't make a workout. I feel like I've done pretty well in reigning myself back in and moving forward - not "starting over", mind you - just moving forward. It's just part of the lifestyle change. There will always be junk-food days, there will always be days where making it to the gym just won't be an option, but as long as I recognize the bumps for what they are (just bumps, not detours, not road closures) I will be emotionally/mentally healthier about my relationship with food and exercise. I'm really proud of that.

My stats for yesterday, 12/21:

• total calories: 1738 - I was starving around 9pm, but my friend Stacy and I made fresh popcorn (not microwave) with a little bit of butter and salt which I thought was an excellent healthy snack choice!
• no workout - was still at home with the sick kiddo and the hubby didn't make it home from work until pretty late. It's okay. This week has been a continual gym "bump".. next week will be better.
• 4 cigarettes
• went to bed just before 1am... eeesh. Long story.
• $0 spent (staying home has it's perks this week lol)

Run down

Well, James has been running high fevers on and off since about 3am Monday morning and so I stayed at home with him yesterday and am home again today.. last night about 9pm I just started to feel incredibly run down. I'm afraid maybe I'm starting to fight whatever virus he's got. It seems like one of the 3 of us is always sick for Christmas. :-\  It sucks. I haven't worked out since Tuesday of last week and I'm feeling pretty down on myself for that, however I'm doing really well with my calories since I haven't been exercising. I'm going to be realistic here and just own up to the fact that I probably will not be making it to the gym this week - but next week I really need to lock back in on my routine.

Here are my stats for the last two days..

12/19:

• total calories: 1809 - unfortunately I went about 20g over my fat intake for the day though. Ate lots of cheese and other dairy.. oh well. Win some, lose some.
• no workout
• no smoking
• 11:30pm bedtime
• used some Christmas money to go out for a nice lunch with the hubby - $3 spent on starbucks from the weekly fund. 

12/20:

• total calories: 1427 - I was really blown away at how little I ate yesterday, even with making some Christmas cookies and stuff. I just wasn't really hungry at all yesterday which is another reason that makes me think I'm fighting this virus... 
• no workout
• 1 cigarette which made me feel like I wanted to throw-up. Ick.
• 10:30 bedtime
• $0 spent ($40 left for the week)

My weight for this week was 198lbs - 2lbs less than last week, so I'm not really sure how to feel about that since I was at 195.8 two weeks ago.. I'm not sure if I've actually gained or lost or WHAT! lol   My clothes continue to fit better and better everyday and I can start really seeing a difference in my face, so I'm not going to stress too much as long as I keep feeling like I'm making progress. Once the holidays are over and I can settle back into a consistent exercise routine I think I'll start seeing results at a quicker pace. I've also been thinking about re-reading Jackie Warner's book just to give myself some inspiration. We'll see how that goes.

Mike and I got all of James's presents wrapped last night plus all of our gifts to extended family - I'm going to try to get his wrapped while I'm home today. I'm so glad I'm done with all my shopping! Usually this time of year I'm going crazy trying to get everything finished up.

On another note, I started reading The Magicians by Lev Grossman a couple weeks ago and I'm almost finished with it. I definitely recommend it! Be warned - the beginning is a little slow, but once it picks up it gets really good. I'm really excited for the second book in the series next Summer! I'm almost done with this book.. and just like anytime I'm reading a book I really enjoy, as I get down to the final chapters I start stressing about leaving those characters behind. I'm going to miss them all.. I'm glad this is the beginning of a series - it will be exciting to see where things go. Now, I just have to figure out what to start reading next after I finish this - which will probably be sometime today.

So my goals for this week are:
- smoke as little as possible
- continue to limit alcohol intake to 3 beverages or less per get-together/outing
- continue 11:30pm bedtime
- 1900 calories or less a day (I have to say it felt really weird allowing myself to eat so much doing the 2100 calories - once I get back in the gym maybe we'll revisit this)

Falling behind...

So, obviously, I haven't updated in quite a few days.

Overall - I didn't eat more than 1900/day through the end of the work week.

Stats for Saturday 12/19:

• total calories: 2150 - and all of it junk. I had a granola bar for breakfast, half a piece of Biggest Loser baked ziti with a small salad for lunch... and then a crap-ton of baked goods at a Christmas party along with a few glasses of wine, BUT we then played Michael Jackson: The Experience on Wii for like 2 HOURS (which is a dance game) so I'm pretty sure I burned....
• total burned: 400 - it's pretty hardcore. 
• 8 cigarettes - I'm doing so awesome at this... NOT.  -.-
• 2:30am bedtime... eeeesh
• $0 spent 

Now I'm watching some My So-Called Life and shooting for an early bedtime. :)

motivation breakdown...

Let's do stats first, real quick...

12/14:

• total calories: 2262 - the soda after my 2 beers put me quite a bit over. :-\  I'm thinking I need to reign back in the calories a bit... I think this idea that I can eat 2100/day makes me eat just fulfill my limit instead of eating because I'm actually hungry. We'll see how the rest of the week/weekend goes and what the scale tells me Monday morning...
• calories burned: 350 - I didn't get the workout in I wanted. I was really looking forward to kicking my own ass and the gym incident I spoke about yesterday kind of severely disappointed me. 
• not sure how many cigarettes, honestly. Probably about 8 which is over the limit I gave myself. 
• 12:30am bedtime
• $15 spent on lunch/going out ($20 left)

I packed my gym bag this morning to take to work but ended up getting out of the office a bit later than I anticipated, plus I had to run to the bank and deposit my paycheck and traffic SUCKED ASS... by the time I hit the bank and got on the road toward to the gym it was already 5pm which was not going to be enough time to do my full workout before it would be time to get James from daycare, so I told myself I would just do it when I got home. Well, apparently James did not have a good day at daycare - meaning he acted like a GIANT BRAT and actually told one little girl that he was going kill her because he was mad. Yeah. Isn't that fucking super? I thought so, too. Then he whined and acted like a big baby the whole drive home, so basically being a parent completely overrode every intention to workout I had. Right now I'm feeling my motivation wash away from me like debris in flood waters...

Our office brought in Subway for lunch today and I ate a whole 12 inch turkey sub.. on honey-oat... which added about 100 extra calories. UGH. Plus we've had a bunch of chocolate candies sitting around the office with the holiday and stuff.. and I ate 3 of those today after my sub. Basically I had like an 800 calorie lunch which kind of makes me feel like I should not eat anything for dinner, but I know that wouldn't be healthy either.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day all around - and hopefully I'll be able to get out of work on time to make it to the gym.

Two posts in one day! Mon dieu!

Just wanted to get a couple things off my chest...

As many of you followers know, I joined a gym week before last. Great, fine, whatever. I went 4 days last week, felt pretty good about getting back into the grove of things. I went today after work to get do my arms/chest and legs routine and to get 20 mins or so of cardio in. As soon as I walked into the gym I felt uncomfortable. I hopped on the elliptical and started a quick 5 minute warm-up before heading on to do my weights... and then when I went to do my weights I realized: this gym has, like, NONE of the machines I'm used to using. They didn't even have a squat machine. At all. Not a seated one, and not a standing one either. I spent a good 30 minutes just using free-weights -- which is totally fine, except that I'm not paying $35/mo just to use dumbbells, especially when my best successes were accomplished using a variety of different machinery in conjunction with free-weights. I was just irritated. This is a brand new gym that opened (although it's a chain - LA Fitness)... I just realized today that I really kind of hate it. I'm not comfortable there at all - I seriously feel like the fattest person in the place, and it seems like almost everyone that goes there knows everyone else. It just had a weird vibe for me. I dunno - maybe I'm just a crazy person. Anyway...

So I headed over to Golds after my workout and ended up talking to the GM over there about a membership. They can offer me $23/month - with no sign-up fee. Sweet! Plus, as soon as I walked into the place I just felt like I was "home" - I mean, it's the gym I had been going to for almost 4 years, so I guess that makes sense in a way. Everyone is SO nice there (all the staff), and the people that work out there are just there to workout. It's not about looking all sexified, it's not about socializing, it's just about getting your sweat on and working hard toward that rockin' body. Plus I know like 3 people that go there so maybe I can get myself a gym buddy in the process.

Anyhoo - I think I'm going to go ahead and cancel my LA Fitness membership tomorrow, and sign up with Golds again. I feel really awesome about this decision and it just makes me even more excited to continue on this weight-loss journey!

The Weight Game

I have to say I’m a little disappointed with how much of my self-esteem is starting to depend on the scale, but I know with how heavy I had become this is probably one of the only ways I can keep things in check until I can really feel confident that my whole lifestyle has changed and that I’m set in my healthier ways – knowing that will probably be 12-14 months of stepping on that scale every Monday morning and either loving or loathing myself.

This morning I hopped on the scale and it read 200lbs. Even. Last week it was 195.8. I refuse to believe that I actually gained 4lbs in one week, especially considering how well I did with my eating until Saturday night. One 3000 calorie day of indulgence does not 4lbs make.

True fact. True scientific fact.

I’m going to chalk up that 4lbs to some increase in muscle tone and water weight since that time of the month is coming up in a few days. I didn’t have a chance to take measurements, so I don’t know how I’m fairing there. I’m really trying to build up my core muscles so I’m sure I’ll see an increase in my waist size since that muscle will build faster than the fat will burn. I just really need to try and keep a clear head about this fluctuation that I’m going to see with my weight over the next month-or-so as I rebuild my muscle tone. I’m afraid with this new “scale awareness” I’ll start freaking out and lose my motivation and just completely fall off track if I see any kind of substantial gain in the next few weeks.

On a positive note: I did my core workout last night at home! I’m really proud of myself for exercising even though I wasn’t able to make it to the gym – and not just 15 or 20 minutes, almost a whole hour of the routine the personal trainer laid out for me. I have realized, however, that I SUCK at pushing myself “to intensity” when I’m by myself… for example: with the PT I did 90 second of plank position on my forearms. Twice. Granted I felt like I was DYING, but I did it… at home I only lasted a minute each time. It’s better than nothing – but I feel like I really should have strived for those extra 30 seconds. We’ll see if I fair better in the gym environment since I always feel like people are watching me lol.

Stats for 12/13:

• total calories: 2040 calories - we went to this "Festival of Lights" thing with my mom and dad and ended up having Chik-Fil-A for dinner... if I had just stuck with the sandwich I would have been fine, but add in waffle fries and a lemonade and, well, not so much. I was still under my 2100 for the day so I guess I shouldn't be too concerned.
• calories burned: 350 - I'm not sure exactly how many calories I burned since it's hard to really calculate all the different moves together. I think I'm going to need to invest in one of those heart monitor watches that counts calories too. 
• 1 cigarette
• 11:30pm bedtime
• $5 spent on dinner ($35 left for the week)

Staying on track

This morning I woke up feeling like I didn't get near enough rest - and the thought of hitting the gym after work was less-than-pleasing. I already had my gym bag packed and ready to go, thank goodness because I was running HORRIBLY late already. I threw it in the car and headed to work with my breakfast-to-go in tupperware.. out into the 18 degree morning. The high tomorrow is estimated to be 26, with a low of 12.

IT'S NOT EVEN WINTER YET, MOTHER NATURE! GET WITH IT!!

This kind of cold coupled with the 4pm sunset is really wrecking havoc on my being-happy-and-motivated-ness.

Once I got into work and woke up a little bit I was feeling better about heading to the gym - only to realize that we made plans with my parents straight after work to go to this "festival of lights" thing out in Gainesville-ish, which is almost an hour away. We realistically probably won't be back home until 7 or 8pm and then I'll need to get James straight to bed. Basically this all means that if I want to try to go to the gym I probably won't actually get there until close to 9pm.. and I just don't think I'm willing to go that late since that will give me NO wind-down time after work/family stuff before it'll just be time for ME to go to bed. So my plan is to do what I can of the core workout I did with the personal trainer last week at home before bedtime. Or maybe I'll do one of my Jackie Warner 15 minute workouts. I am definitely going to try to do SOMETHING. And then definitely hit the gym tomorrow afternoon.

I did not even have the time to hop on the scale and take measurements this morning so I will be sure to do that tomorrow and give updates on that!

Stats for yesterday, 12/12:

• total calories: 1871 - muuuuch better than Saturday's totals. Plus, with the exception of a Lean Cuisine for dinner, I had ALL whole foods yesterday. I was quite proud of myself and felt 100 times better after eating all those fruits and veggies!
• no workout - my day consisted mostly of sleeping on my couch recovering from the 3am night.
• 3 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime
• $0 spent

Goals for this week:

• workout at least 4 times this week - at home, at the gym, wherever. Just get it done.
• get to bed by 11:30pm
• 2100 calories or less a day
• no more than 6 cigarettes a day
• no more than 3 alcoholic beverages per outing/get-together

Calorie overload - and the Tale of Two Wines

Yesterday was our good friends son's birthday party, so off we went for an afternoon of pizza, birthday cake and all-around good fun!

The party was definitely a success as far as the kiddos were concerned - and the adults too for that matter. After all the presents had been taken out of their box and assembled and batteries installed, we all settled in for some grown-up time with drinks and the promise of delicious dinner... courtesy of Steve's frier.

That's right. You read that correctly. Dinner via frier.

This is where it all starts to go wrong... lol

Evan and I head out to the grocery store to pick up things to fry - what a shopping trip! Shrimp, scallops, bacon to adorn the seafood, spinach and artichoke dip, cheesecake bites, etc, etc, etc. Oh. And I picked up 2 bottles of wine. One red, one white.

We get back from the store and I proceed to fix some bacon immediately in a skillet (well, actually it was a soup pot.. you don't get popped as easy that way. heh)... most delicious bacon EVER. Had about 4 or 5 pieces of that.. and then some FRIED bacon-wrapped scallops... and some FRIED shrimp... and then... cheesecake bites.

And all of that would have been just fine, albeit not incredibly healthy... but the kicker is that I then proceeded to drink about 7 glasses of wine.

And that is the story of how my calorie-intake for yesterday climbed to 3220.

I KNOW RIGHT?!

I'm incredibly disappointed in myself, but I also know that this is in NO WAY the norm for me. I probably haven't consumed that many calories in one day in almost a year - I think even while on vacation the highest my calories count got to was 2600. I don't have any desire to sit around stuffing my face with bacon and all sorts of fried foods every day - or every weekend either, for that matter! But this was definitely a HUGE hiccup in my general "good health" journey, not to mention the fact that I have no business drinking 7 glasses of wine in one evening. :-\  I said a little bit about cutting out alcohol in my post yesterday and I'm realizing more and more that I definitely need to do that if I can't start controlling my intake better.

So here are the staggering stats for 12/11:

• total calories: 3220 - it makes me want to throw up just looking at it. lol
• calories burned: 150 - we played one of those Wii dancing games, so I'm giving myself a LITTLE credit there. 
• lots of cigarettes.. lots and lots.. *dies*
• 3am bedtime *dies again*
• $0 spent thanks to Evan purchasing the groceries for the frier-ganza!

Okay, so here's to starting a new week with lots of exercise and good food decisions! 

Oh, drinking..

Last night hubby and I went out with a group of friends for drinks and karaoke.

Wine is really expensive at bars.

Beer is not.

Michelob Ultra is my friend.

Mango margaritas are not.

Stats for 12/10:

• total calories: 2210 - yes, that's 110 over my new limit of 2100. This is mostly thanks to the lunch at WENDY'S I had yesterday... yes, after I posted that big long thing about how I rarely eat fast food anymore. lol But it was definitely the mango margarita that put me over so much. I would have still been okay without that. 
• no workout - didn't make it to the gym which is okay.. I was so sore from my personal training session I'm not sure I could have really done much anyway. I'm still hurting today, actually. Ugh. Thinking about doing a little bit of yoga to stretch out before we head out for a kiddo birthday party. 
• 5 cigarettes - the booze kills me every time, man! EVERY TIME. I gotta cut that shit out... the drinking AND the smoking. I know I keep saying that but, ugh, I love drinking. lol  The last time I quit drinking I replaced beer with cola. Whenever I'd go out I'd order a coke instead of a beer.. but I HATE HATE HATE diet coke (plus artificial sweeteners are SO BAD FOR YOU), so I feel like calorie-wise that's not really gonna help me much. Although I guess I could use it to like "wean" myself off the alcohol for a bit... I dunno. We'll see about that. 
• 1:30am bedtime
• $20 spent ($0 left for the week/$63 left for the month)

Is there such a thing as "over-researching"?

Well, if you paid attention to that article I posted last week about "Working Out Like a Man" then... yes. But I can't seem to break my female intuition to come at things from "all angles".

I want to talk a little bit about caloric intake. How much is too much and how little is too little?

I feel like it's the forever-asked question when you're trying to not only exercise regularly but also eat healthy. "How many calories should I be eating?" From the hundreds of articles I've read on nutrition, it seems like eating 3000 calories worth of vegetables a day is not going to have the weight-gain effect that eating 3000 calories worth of, well, basically anything else would have. Most of us don't really love vegetables enough to eat enough veggies to add up to 3000 calories... especially considering most servings of veggies are 60 calories or less. I reach my "strive for 5" goal almost everyday. Sometimes I even have 10 or more servings of fruits and vegetables (keeping in mind that a serving size is one cup/one whole fruit - the salad I have for lunch and/or dinner alone is about 5 cups of lettuce, not including all the veggies I put IN the salad)... so I feel like I'm pretty good to go on that aspect. Since changing my eating habits I would say between 60 and 80% of my caloric intake comes from fruits and veggies - with the other 20-40% coming from meat/animal proteins, nuts/seeds, and whole-grains like oatmeal, whole wheat, etc. I eat very few processed foods/sugars these days and I'm incredibly proud of that. There are still days where I eat processed foods - basically if I'm eating at any fast food place - but those days are few. Plus I'm learning how to make healthier choices when it comes to fast food, as well as being conscious of what I'm eating at sit-down restaurants. Now I'm digressing a bit...

Lately I've been consuming between 1500-1800 calories a day. I'm having slow but steady success with this. And although I would like to think I've done an "excellent" job of exercising as well as changing my eating habits - that is just simply not true. There have only been maybe 3 weeks total (and not consecutive) that I've exercised 5 days/week, whether that be cardio or weight training or a combination of both. I've been pretty consistent with doing cardio 2-3 days a week... however for the kind of weight-loss I'm working toward and the type of body I want to come along with that weight-loss I know I need to really focus heavily on weight training and less on hours of cardio. The personal trainer I met with yesterday confirmed this for me - and the workout we proceeded to do after the consultation confirmed it even more. My heart is strong - my muscles are weak. The question running through my mind this morning though was: If I'm going to be strength training 4-5 days a week, will an average of 1600 calories/day be enough? And the resounding answer in my health/fitness/nutrition article stuffed brain was ABSOLUTELY NOT.

So I did a little research this morning. I think I may have talked a little bit about BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) in earlier posts - I'm going to revisit. BMR is the amount of calories your body would burn if you just laid in bed all day. In order to find out how many calories you could consume to maintain your current weight without any kind of exercise you would take your BMR x 1.2... for me this is (196lbs) approx. 2,040 calories. (FYI - this is called the Harris Benedict Equation, and you can find out more about it here, and this is the link I used to calculate my BMR.) This probably explains why I have only averaged about 1lb/week weight-loss, with several of those weeks seeing no loss whatsoever. I thought it was interesting that after two weeks of eating 200-400 calories a day (starting with my NLR trip) more than what I had been eating, I saw a 4 pound weight-loss in one week.

Using the Harris-Benedict Equation, and keeping in mind that it is more recommended for use by people that are close to a healthy weight (as is explained in the above link), if I can keep up my consistent work-out routine and continue to eat mostly whole foods, healthy fats, and avoid processed sugars - I should be eating closer to 2100 calories a day. I'm going to try this out for a few weeks and see how I fare.

It feels like this whole process is just one big experiment sometimes!

Okay, so, stats for yesterday:

12/9:

• total calories: 1591
• calories burned: I estimate about 450, maybe 500. I was continually exercising for about an hour and a half.
• 2 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime - it felt sooooo goooooood
• $3 spent on Starbucks - lunch was free thanks to my buddy Derek! :)  ($18 left for the week)

Dyyyyyyiiiiinnnnnngggg

First, let me do yesterday's stats:

12/8:

• total calories: 2000 - as you can see I went a bit over my standard calorie intake. I'm not too concerned, actually. I think some variation during the week is good. As long as I'm not going over by like 500 calories and it's not happening everyday I'm not gonna beat myself up over it. I also ate almost all whole foods all day so those calories were high in nutrients.
• no workout - I was exhausted after work and incredibly sore from my workout Tues night. 
• 2 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime - had to stay up and watch the 6th Harry Potter! SO GOOD!
• $0 spent

Now, on to events that happened today... I had my personal training assessment and workout at the gym. One of those "free" dealies to get you sucked into giving the gym all your money. And what I discovered is: I'm incredibly out of shape. Like more out of shape than I ever wanted to admit to. Cardio? Sure thing. An hour of resistance training focusing on core? Please kill me now.

I thought I had a pretty strong core. Before I had a baby I was really proud of my flat toned tummy - and my 100 crunches I did every morning. Granted since having a baby my belly has never really been the same. I'm pretty sure almost every mother on the planet has experienced this. But apparently my core is SUPER weak. I had no idea how bad it was. Holding plank position for 90 seconds made me feel like I was gonna die. Not to mention how incredibly difficult it was to do certain other types of arm/leg exercises that require your core to balance you. Eff. After this hour I hopped on the elliptical to finish off the workout - and just moving my legs, I could feel my lower belly just SCREAMING at me. Tomorrow is gonna be hell I'm sure.

Good news: My legs are incredibly strong. To that I say: DUH. Have you SEEN my thighs? Yes, they're big.. but they aren't squishy. Nowhere close.

So since I'm a new member the personal training would cost half of what it usually does - unfortunately I can't spare the extra $120/month right now. It makes me want to cry pretty hard. Now I have a pretty good idea of what I need to focus on... lower core. In laymans terms? What I like to call: Mommy rolls. Or my baby pooch.

I have a pretty good idea of where I need to start - I can remember everything we did today during the workout. I really wish I had a gym buddy. I feel like such a fool doing floor exercises by myself. But I just have to get the fuck over that mess!!!

From an emotional standpoint: I definitely began the negative inner-monologue almost as soon as the workout ended. "Wow, Jess - way to get excited about losing 20 pounds the last 5 months... doesn't do you much good if you have no strength whatsoever.", etc, etc, etc... it also didn't help that this chick told me I was "off the scale" for BMI when I KNOW that when you take my build into consideration my actual height/weight ratio is just a little bit above normal -- not obese. BMI is really pretty flawed. If you really want to know how to assess your health by your height/weight, you have to use ALL your measurements - including like how big your wrists are, or how thick your arms are at the elbow. That kind of stuff. I know why gyms don't go by that - it takes a lot longer to get all those measurements and stuff. Anyways... I digress. So I started this negative inner-monologue almost immediately and my motivation to want to KEEP going to the gym took a nose-dive, as well as my desire to want to continue to count calories... and just kind of all that general "take care of yourself" stuff. I got in my car and just felt those negative feelings spiraling out of control and literally said out loud to myself, "STOP IT. You're being totally ridiculous. Now you know your trouble spots, you can WORK on them. You CAN get stronger, you CAN fix this. You're doing great. And the better your diet gets, the more weight you lose, the EASIER it will be for your body to do those exercises."

I'm feeling much better about it now. This is just another wake-up call - much like my wake-up call back in June I talked about in yesterday's post. I'm too heavy and my body is suffering and, if I don't do something about it, my health will start to suffer soon, too - especially as I get older.

SO! As I told Mike when he asked me how my personal training went, It was good and it was bad. I hated it because it made me realize how out of shape I really am and she made me work harder than I felt I really could/should (even though I did it) - and I loved it because it made me realize how out of shape I really am and because she made me work harder than I thought I could.

A Changing Outlook

I’m going to talk a little bit more about breaking the 200lb mark this week... and by "a little bit", I mean "a whole lot":

I’ve always been someone who didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the number on the scale – I think part of that is because I’m so tall that I’ve always weighed more than I looked like I should, and always weighed more than 90% of my peers because of my height. It’s no fun listening to your 5’4 girlfriends complain about weighing a meager 120-125lbs and wearing a size 4 when the last time you weighed 125lbs you were 11… and never wore a size 4 because along with puberty came hips.

It took a long time for me to realize that being between 140 and 150lbs at 5’10 WAS super skinny. And that wearing a size 8 or 10 was pretty fantastic. Unfortunately by the time I realized that I had already started to gain a little weight. Honestly, I think being between 160 and 170 was a much healthier weight for me especially when you consider that I actually had muscle tone at that weight – whereas in high school being super thin, I was just that: super thin. Not toned. It was in my late teens that I stopped focusing on the scale and started paying more attention to how I felt in my clothing, how my clothing fit, and more on the sizes I was wearing. If I could still fit into my 10s and 12s and felt like I still looked good then I must not have gained too much weight. Even when I bumped up to a 14 I still felt pretty confident in the way I looked.

I’m sure I’ve said this before – but when I got pregnant I was the heaviest I’d ever been at 170lbs. I gained exactly what I should have during my pregnancy and 2 days before my son was born I weighed 205lbs. I lost almost all of that weight in the month after James was born – and then I became stressed and depressed due to certain circumstances most of you followers already know about… and I packed 25 of those 35lbs back on. I was a size 16 for the first time in my life, but I had just had a baby so I wasn’t really stressed over it. I never had trouble losing/maintaining weight in my life, why should now be any different? I finally got back into the gym in the summer of ’06, lost enough to fit back into my 14s, then fluctuated in the lower-to-upper 180s for a while. I got engaged in the beginning of ’08 and really started hitting the gym pretty hard and by that August, just in time for my wedding, I was down to my pre-baby weight of 170! Go me!!

When you get married and you have to get all that paperwork taken care of and all the administrative crap… someone should give you this disclaimer: Getting married can cause inexplicable weight gain...IN LARGE AMOUNTS. It’s just how life works. You’re not trying to impress anyone anymore, you’re happy, you’re probably going out to eat more, you’re not focused on hitting the gym everyday because you’re a NEWLYWED and you want to spend time with your NEW HUSBAND/WIFE. It’s VERY EXCITING! Add to this the fact that you continue to get older every year… shocking, I know… and it becomes harder and harder to lose all that “happy weight”.

Let’s fast forward to January 2010: I’ve just continually gained weight since I got married… I can no longer fit into a single pair of my size 14’s, and now my 16s have gotten too small. Instead of going to Target and purchasing a SCALE so that I can actually SEE how much weight I’ve gained in a little over a year, I decide to purchase new clothing… yes. That’s right. 18. I had to graduate to 18. I like to blame this on my 6 months stint on Prozac for lovely anxiety… but the reality is I got lazy, I ate crap, and if I had been taking care of myself I wouldn’t have gained nearly the amount of weight that I did over that 6 month period. When I went to the doctor that month I was at 206lbs. One pound heavier than I had been at 9 MONTHS PREGNANT!

(Quick FYI to the guys out there:  going from a size 14 to a size 18 in girl sizes is like going from a size 30 to a size 36 in dude sizes. It’s pretty substaintial.)

Okay, so you would think this GIANT LEAP to weighing more than I had when I was pregnant would have been some kind of huge wake-up call, right? WRONG. Instead I just got fucking depressed… and then by June I weighed a lovely 215lbs.

That was the wake-up call for me. That, and looking at pictures of my fat-self… lol…plus the realization that my size 18 pants were starting to feel tight. UNACCEPTABLE.

Being under 200lbs again feels amazing. It’s hard for me to articulate. I feel emotionally lighter. I feel like it IS actually possible for me to reach my “dream” weight. This is a HUGE thing for me. It’s hard to describe.

 In Spring of ’09 my gym offered me 2 free personal training sessions – I was at about 180-185 at the time… and the trainer asked me what my goal weight was and I went off on this whole thing about how I didn’t care if I weighed 180 for the rest of my life, I just wanted to be healthy, toned, strong… and he again asked me, “Okay, but what is your GOAL weight?” and I said 150, and then immediately added, “But I know I’ll never be that again. I’ve had a baby, I’m older now. I’d be happy with 170.” I wasn’t giving myself any credit. At the time 170 was a small loss for me. It was shortly thereafter that I stopped going to the gym regularly and began the process of gaining and gaining quickly.

Today I feel like 150 is an attainable goal. It might take another year, maybe a little more – but the point is that I KNOW I can get there. It’s all about small steps. A couple months ago I wanted to be at 200, I made it, I surpassed it! Now I’m focusing on 180.

The biggest thing is that now I enjoy taking care of myself, I enjoy eating right and learning about nutrition and how different foods help my body. I enjoy exercising and feeling the difference in my energy level and my emotional health. This has been an incredible experience for me! I’m really proud of myself!

<end rant>

Stats for 12/7:

• total calories: 1974 - yesterday was my MIL's birthday and we went to Olive Garden, and I would have done juuuuust fine if I hadn't had that margarita later in the evening... it's okay though. I hit the gym pretty hard before heading to dinner and my net calories for the day were only 1610. Not going to beat myself up over this one.
• calories burned: 364 - weight lifting for the win!
• 2 cigarettes - smoking has been really weird for me this last week. It's like I really WANT to smoke (especially when I'm drinking or with my smoker friends), but then when I do I feel really yucky and the next morning - no matter if I smoke 1 cigarette or 10 - I feel awful and my chest feels heavy and I'm all coughy and gross. Quitting has turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be for me. 
• 12am bedtime  - stayed up too late reading.
• $15 on drinks ($21 left for week - dinner was free thanks to my FIL!)

I haven't decided if I want to go to the gym tonight or not - I'm feeling like I might be coming down with a cold or something, and I have a personal training assessment tomorrow evening that I really really want to go to and don't want to reschedule. Maybe I'll do some yoga or something at home. 

Breaking the 200 mark!

So I stepped on the scale this morning... and... 196lbs!!!! Now I KNOW that extra 3lbs last Monday was just water weight, 'cause I know I didn't lose 7lbs in a week, especially since I didn't exercise AT ALL last week.

But 4lbs in a week is still pretty good. Nooooot gonna lie. I must be doing something right!

Stats for yesterday:

• total calories: 1521 - feeling pretty good about how well I've settled back into my good eating habits since being home from vacation. I was afraid it was going to be really hard for me, but I was actually looking forward to eating "real" food again and it's been no trouble at all keeping on track - especially the last 4 or 5 days.
• calories burned: 220 - got about 20 minutes in on the elliptical at the gym! I didn't have as much time to work out as I had hoped, but today I should be able to get some weights in and that will definitely feel good!
• 0 cigarettes - and, man, am I coughing up all KINDS of crap... gross. It's also helped that a) I haven't bought any, and b) it's FREEZING OUTSIDE
• in bed by 11:30pm... however my husband decided it would be lots of fun to keep me up talking until 1am... and not about anything serious. Just being silly and goofy - except that I was TRYING TO SLEEP. I'm exhausted this morning.
• $4 spent on lunch ($36 left for the week)

I was kind of disappointed I didn't get any reading time in last night - we watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and that ended about 11, and then an old friend of mine popped up on FB and I ended up going back and forth with her for about 20 minutes before finally just turning the light out for bed... only for my sleep plans to be thwarted as described above.

Tonight I'm hoping to get ALL my Christmas shopping finished!! After going to the gym, of course. I have my free personal training assessment/workout Thursday evening - I'm really excited about that. It will be great to actually have a "routine" again. 

I think this weekend I'm going to go out dancing - which I'm really looking forward to. Not only will it be tons of fun, but it will also be tons of cardio!

But for now.. back to work!

The weekend!

Stats...

12/4:

• total calories: 1546
• no workout
• 2 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime - I think? Maybe 1?
• $18 on ordering pizza (thin crust veggie!) ($6 left)

12/5:

• total calories: 1705 - I was at 1150, and then I went a little overboard with the Danish butter cookies (you know the kind that comes in the tin the stores sell every Christmas?), and then an entire bag of popcorn... LITE popcorn, though. 
• no workout
• 0 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime
• $0 spent

I forgot to weigh myself this morning so I'll get those stats tomorrow!

I started going to the gym again this week - I only had time for 30mins on the elliptical today, but it still felt great! Can't wait for tomorrow! I have my free personal training session and health assessment on Thursday, and I'm really looking forward to that.

Now - Harry Potter and some quality time with the hubby!

1st, 2nd, 3rd...

Of December - days I didn't post about.. yet.

Here we go!

12/1:

• total calories: 1824 - not too bad considering we had to eat out for lunch AGAIN since I couldn't make it to the grocery store... not having fresh food in the house sucks REAL bad. 
• no workout - been really lazy this week
• 6 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime
• $6 spent on lunch ($24 for the week)

12/2:

• total calories: 1656 - did muuuuch better on calories and finally had food in the house. Fruits and veggies are so delicious. I completely binged on them - and some almonds too. Mmmm. 
• no workout again... don't judge me.
• 0 cigarettes - woo!
• 10:30pm - I felt like I was definitely getting sick on Thursday and completely passed out on my couch at like 5:30pm... slept til 8... watching Gray's Anatomy at 9, and went BACK to sleep at 10:30. Felt muuuuuch better Friday though!
• $0 spent

12/3:

• total calories: 1856 - juuuust under my intake goal of 1877. That 600 calories worth of Woodchuck Hard Cider definitely didn't help, but I did really well the rest of the day. I really need to focus on this whole "don't drink so much" thing... 
• no workout... NEXT WEEK, I PROMISE. Maybe this weekend too.
• smoked, not sure how much though.
• 2am bedtime - I was SO pissed. I asked for my tab at MIDNIGHT and didn't end up getting my card back to sign until almost 1am. Worst waitress ever. Seriously. 
• $35 spent ($24 left for the week/$65 left for the month)

Why Guys Lose Weight Faster than Women and How to Steal their Secrets

Really great article! Thinking back on it... doing these things is what helped me lose so much weight right before my wedding. I lifted weights 3-4 times a week, and was only doing about 15-20mins of cardio 2-3 times a week...

Why Guys Lose Weight Faster than Women and How to Steal their Secrets

Water weight - not a myth!

Part of me has always felt like water weight (water retention) was kind of a cop-out for putting on a small amount of weight of a short period of time… but I learned this week that water weight does really exist and I experienced it for probably one of the first times in my life that I was consciously aware of.

I posted on Monday stating that I gained 3lbs while on vacation – I knew this to be true, my scale told me so and the way my pants fit confirmed the scale’s bad news. I also couldn’t comfortably have my belt on the 5th notch like I had been able to do for a couple weeks now.

Well, all day Monday I rehydrated… on any given day I drink between 64 and 100oz of water, however, while in NLR I think I’m lucky if I drank 32oz of water every day. I definitely noticed a difference in my energy level on a few days, and the amount of chapstick applications required lol. Tuesday morning I woke up, put on the very same work slacks I had worn the day before (c’mon, people, they’re work pants. You can wear them more than once.) with the same belt… and in a 24 hour period my pants went from fitted to loose, and I went back down to my 5th belt notch. Hydration for the win!

Water is pretty awesome. Not gonna lie.

Other good news: I FINALLY got my gym membership!!! I'm really excited about it! And my mom actually said that she was thinking about joining too so we can go together - which will be an EXCELLENT motivator for me. :)

Okay, so I know I didn’t post yesterday – work got a little insane and the evening was even busier for me. So here are two days worth of stats:

11/29:

• total calories: 2040 - 163 over my goal. I had a donut in the morning... and then after dinner I ate some triscuits and cheese and that's what killed me. That donut wasn't even that good. -.-   I was really hungry in the evening and I haven't had a chance to hit the grocery store since we got back so the only snack food was, well, snack food... instead of having lettuce and stuff to make a salad or fruit to eat. 
• no workout - exhausted from the drive still. 
• 3 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime
• $4 spent on lunch ($36 for the week/$100 for the month)

11/30:

• total calories: 1872 - shy of my limit by just 5 calories. Beer intake is KILLING me. I really need to stick to white wine. Or start drinking that "diet" beer.. Mich Ultra, Bud Select 55.. bud they're gross. True fact. 
• no workout - shit got busy and the weather was awful. :-\
• 9 cigarettes.. ugggh. As I smoked my last cigarette of the night I realized.. I'm over it. And I'm so much MORE over it today now that I feel like a truck ran over my chest. Good riddance!
• 12am bedtime
• $6 spent on lunch ($30 for the week) - thanks to the utter lack of anything edible in our house since I've had not ANY time to go grocery shopping, we've had to eat out for lunch twice now. However, yesterday we went to subway where I had a turkey on wheat stuffed with veggies - it was SUPER good!

The plan for today is to hit the gym. I enrolled online, though, and haven't yet received my confirmation email so I'm not sure how that works exactly... I printed my contract with my electronic signature though, so I'm pretty sure I can just take that with me up there and get my keycard and stuff. However, if I don't make it I'm not going to kick myself - this week is mostly about getting back to good eating and getting plenty of rest to recover from the horrific drive home.