Slipping

I made a very big mistake last week. I allowed myself to give in to my post-vacation blues (ha! "post-vacation") and after one workout I decided I would give myself a "break" and settle back into normal home/work routine. I kept up with my walks on my lunch breaks, but other than that I booked my social calendar, drank far too heavily and too often, ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted, and ended up burned out and emotionally wrecked by Saturday afternoon. My depression and frustration lead me to randomly go for a 3 mile run, which was great. It felt good, it was one of best pace times, it pushed me out of my funk. I "celebrated" by drinking more. Sunday was a BBQ for a friend's birthday - and I knew I shouldn't drink heavily, but I did anyway. I had a great time, but I paid for it today. I woke up on my own at 8am, but forced myself back to sleep until 10am. That was probably a bad idea - too much sleep seems to affect me in much the same way too little sleep does. I was lethargic and grouchy most of the morning/afternoon. A LOT of emotional eating happened today. A LOT. While it was no 4,000 calorie day like yesterday (although, yesterday I was legit hungry)... I've eaten a lot of sugar and carbs today. Very little fat and protein. This is a problem and did nothing in assisting with my energy level.

Needless to say, there was no getting back "#onpogram" today. I am wallowing here a little bit. I am hopeful tomorrow I can motivate and get back on track. I realized today that I'm quickly reaching the end-point of my #100daysofchange and I feel like I'm either sabotaging or it's all just kind of falling apart. If I can just get back into an exercise routine I know it will help me in 100 different ways, but I'm struggling with some pretty major feelings of... I don't even know how to explain it. "Unhappiness" feels too simple and mild of a word, but I guess that's it.

I want to change my whole life, but feel powerless to do so. I'm not comfortable laying it all out here on the blog right now, but I probably will at some point. I'm trying to figure out how I need to move forward in the immediate future because I find myself saying to myself repeatedly throughout the day nearly everyday, "I don't think I can do this anymore."

I think I know what changed... I think I know what triggered this, em, existential crisis? I am making a conscious effort everyday to say to myself, "These are blessings, you will be happy, you will have a great day, you're deciding to be positive." But that doesn't seem to be benefiting me much. It's supposed to be that simple, right? You just decide that what you have is good enough, that what you do everyday makes you happy, that you are grateful. ...maybe I'm just not very good at convincing myself any longer. I hate feeling this way.

So, all I can say is: I hope tomorrow is better. I hope I can motivate to workout or at least run. I hope I can avoid emotionally eating tons of sugar. I hope I can level out a bit.

Just a picture?

Before we left for vacation I was feeling a bit down on myself. I've been in a scale-weight plateau for 18 months and was feeling like I was working hard for nothing. My vacation and the pictures we took there put me in a much better mood about my body image. Away from the stress of work/home (mostly work), I was able to see how awesome my body is. Also, something that was able to walk/sometimes run around for 12-14 hours a day for 5 days without too much complaining seems pretty amazing. I started feeling grateful and good about my body. I started really appreciating my body.

Appreciation is nice, but aesthetics are also nice... as shallow as that may be. This is where my daily #100daysofchange pictures come into play. I was feeling like I wasn't make any progress... and then while scanning through some photos, I noticed this:

In case anyone out there isn't good at calculating time...  that's approx 2 months. THAT IS A MAJOR DIFFERENCE!!!

Clearly the time and effort I'm putting into strength training is paying off and I may be finally reaching a point where scale weight means nothing to me anymore. It's all about body composition and building muscle.

Another positive this month: I posted this to my personal Facebook page the other day, but I'll share it here as well. It's been 74 days since I quit smoking, 33 days since I "cheated" and had a cigarette (one of only 3 since quitting), and 26 days since I used my e-cigarette.

I started up the Girls Gone Strong level 1 program on Monday - my back did just fine and felt so much better after finishing the workout. However, I'm dealing with some pretty bad post-vacation depression and managed to pack a lot into my social calendar for the week - all of which coincides with my usual workout time. I realized that my motivation, dedication, and willpower are not where they need to be and it might be a good idea to just let myself adjust a little bit. I've still been taking daily walks, and I'm committed to starting "for real" either over the weekend or Monday. It definitely helps to see the above picture! That's motivation to get back to it for sure!

Things I learned from vacation:

• I do much better in a warm climate
• I do much better spending the day in the sun
• I do much better moving all day long
• I sleep much better when I move all day long and get plenty of sun
• It’s much easier for me to wake up in the mornings when I get plenty of sun/exercise and am looking forward to my day
• I eat better and less often when I’m active all day – it’s easier to pay attention to hunger signals vs cravings
• I want to work for Disney
• I wouldn’t mind living in Florida in order to work for Disney
• I like the way I look
• I like spending time with my kids when we are having adventures and are busy
• I don’t need television/Facebook/beer when I’m having adventures and keeping busy
• Television/Facebook/beer probably contribute to my depression more than I want to admit
• I didn’t miss my real life one bit for the entire 8 days I was gone and I feel like this speaks volumes about my life, my job, and the people I choose to surround myself with and that exhilarates and terrifies me all at once

 I don’t know that I’ve ever had a better vacation. I spent 6 days wandering Disney World and the surrounding area, in the hot Florida sun, with a 30lb backpack on (full of bottled water mostly), half the time also toting my 35lb 2 year old, and with my whole family in tow and it didn’t bother me or annoy me once - except maybe the 2 hours of excruciating back pain I experienced Wednesday evening. Some stretches and a hot bath took care of that well-enough and I was able to enjoy the rest of the week without incident. Even with the back pain I had a great time.

Shockingly, I rarely looked at my phone except to use the camera. I only touched my computer once. I only posted to Facebook once (outside of linking my #100daysofchange photos through Instagram). The only tv I watched was Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for 30 minutes each morning while fixing breakfast for my family. I didn’t talk about work. I didn’t talk about any personal drama. I didn’t feel stressed out or depressed or anxious about anything (other than roller coasters). Because we stayed in a condo and not a hotel environment, I still had to do laundry, fix meals, tidy up, do dishes and all of the normal chores I would be doing at home. The major difference being I didn’t have to go to work every day. The other major difference being that I was, y’know, IN DISNEY WORLD. I’m not sure which might be more significant… but I think it might be the work thing more than I realized. Anytime Mike tried to mention anything I would immediately feel like I was going to throw-up. Unfortunately that’s not an exaggeration.

I’ve got some thinking to do and then some planning, and then some more thinking and planning. Some reflecting might be beneficial as well.

Tonight I’m back #onprogram with my strength training and hopefully my back will cooperate. It’s still a little sore, though not painful that it had been for those few hours last week. I’ll just have to be mindful.

About that...

Oh, hey, so I totally had written up a quick update to post before I left for vacation, and then... just forgot to post it. Because that's how I roll.

Work was insane the Friday before we left, and I put in a lot of extra hours and was losing my goddamn mind.

I will post a more thorough update soon, but basically: I had an amazing time, didn't want to come home, and am experiencing a disturbing level of post-vacation depression.

I hope I can make it through my workday tomorrow. We'll see.