I think my cravings and tolerance for healthy snacks/meals is coming back. I have cooked every night this week! I am so proud of that accomplishment. Plus I have almost completed all the organizing and room-cleaning-out that I wanted to get done... and I may just be rewarding myself with that iPhone I've been wanting. I think that's fair. Accomplish more than I've managed to accomplish since moving into my house = deserving of an iPhone. Plus the whole planning meals and cooking dinner every night thing. That is so awesome of me. Plus it makes me feel so much better about myself as a wife and mother, that I can provide my family more than processing junk food for a meal in the evenings. I even cooked bacon and eggs for LUNCH the other day. That's right. I'm a regular June Cleaver over here.
Yesterday at the book store I picked up Dr. Oz's book, YOU: Having A Baby. It is seriously the most amazing book. I don't think I'll ever go back to "What to Expect" after this. I think after the baby comes I may get his YOU: On a Diet book as well. It certainly can't hurt anything. I love Dr. Oz. I really do. I think he's amazing and I love his holistic approach to almost all things medical. It's fantastic!
I wanted to talk a little bit about feeling the pain over not being able to drink alcohol and socialize with my friends in the same way I used to. It really hit me last Saturday night at a friend's housewarming party. Going to parties while pregnant kind of sucks big fat donkey toe.. but I think the main reason is because I feel like other people are judging me, not so much that I'm judging myself. Plus there's that whole "who am I if I don't have a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other?" thing. I came to a bit of an epiphany the other night while wallowing in some pretty serious depression... I don't think I ever really figured out who I was after James was born. I just knew I was not who I was BEFORE him anymore... but I never really took the time to figure out what that meant or how I should proceed through life from that point. There are a lot of little things that have changed, a lot of emotional growth that has happened (as well as body growth - I mean, HELLO - what is this blog mostly about?)... a lot of my views on relationships and what it means to be an adult have changed... but that is not the whole of what makes a person who they are. This is something that I imagine will probably take a while for me to figure out. I also find myself feeling like, for the first time in my life, I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing - got married, bought a house, having a baby, working toward an actual career, learning how to effectively parent the child I already have - and sometimes I feel like this does not make me happy, and I'm not really sure where it says that doing the things you're supposed to do will make you happy but I feel like that's a pretty general societal consensus. Sometimes I struggle with wondering if I actually WANT these things or if I just have convinced myself I want them because I'm SUPPOSED to want them. It's all very tricky. I've been considering starting some counseling to help me work through these things because I definitely know I'm tired of hating myself all the time, and I definitely am starting to unbiasedly see how it's effecting my marriage and my relationship with my son. That self-hate has a lot to do with not taking the time to figure out who I was/wanted to be after becoming a mother and being forced into this kind of false sense of adulthood at such a young age. I think realizing and acknowledging those things is a pretty positive first step.
Please know, dear readers, that I'm not consistently wallowing really - I manage to keep myself feeling pretty "normal" most of the time, but there are some nights when I just break down and the emotional overflow gets pretty out of control - and if there's any kind of argument, small or otherwise, it sets off this whole "everyone hates me and the way I act" feeling which them just makes me realize that no one hates me, I just don't like myself very much and that shades the way I perceive anything anyone might say to me during high-emotion discussions or arguments - ie: anything Mike says to me during said discussions or arguments.
Edit: I started writing this post 5 days ago and since that time I have ordered my iPhone and I'm VERY EXCITED about that. It should be here Wednesday. For now I'm going to enjoy the rest of the my Holiday with a nap on the couch and plenty of historical programming on History channel and History Channel International.
5/24/11
A beautiful thing. Right.
I understand that pregnancy is a true life miracle.. it IS a beautiful thing. But I feel less-than-beautiful these days. I feel fat and out of shape and am still struggling with the energy thing.
I finally went grocery shopping for the first time in about a month last Wednesday and have made a much bigger effort to cook every night. I'm trying really hard to make better lunch choices. The healthier eating makes for less queasiness. This is kind of a "duh" moment, I'm aware. I'm still really wary of salad, though. And that makes me super sad because I LOVE salad. Puking up the last salad I ate to the point of feeling like I wanted/was going to die has kind of turned me off.. just a tad. I think I will try to make some pasta salad sometime this week or this weekend. I think that will be a doable alternative - I'll get my raw veggie fix but with enough carb to keep it down.
Those of you who are friends with me on the Book of Faces are probably realizing my growing obsession with purchasing an iPhone. I've somehow managed to convince myself that with an iPhone my goal of getting healthy and getting back down to healthier weight will somehow magically become easier with all the fancy apps that will become available to me. No one can unconvince me of this. I'm feeling kind of desperate right now. I'm incredibly disappointed in myself. I feel like maybe I spoke a little bit about this in my last post, but I'm revisiting so.. get over it.
I went off my birth control pill at the very end of last July. I started (or re-started, I should say, since I've been wanting it since about 2006) the "Jessica Hotness Plan" in early September. At this point I would say I was probably close to 220lbs. I liked to pretend I was only at about 212, but I had a shitty scale that I'm sure was LYING TO ME. Okay, so.. basically.. I KNEW I'd be getting pregnant since I had quit my BC - I mean, that was the point right? But I knew I really needed to lose some poundage before that happened... managed to drop down to about 196... I wanted to get under 185. Apparently I didn't want it bad enough. I'm going to be totally honest: I'm a lazy fuck. I at no point pushed myself as hard as I should have or held myself accountable to the extent I needed to. I fucked with my calorie count every couple weeks to try to allow myself as much cheating room as possible, I made a million excuses every day as to why I didn't or "couldn't" exercise.. and once I did get on an awesome routine at the gym, go figure, that's when I found out I was preggo and within a couple weeks started feeling like I was going to puke my guts up all the time. That puts a huge damper on any kind of exercise ethic you might have, just FYI. Plus that weight-lifting routine that was doing my body some DAMN AWESOME good... well, that's out the window since you can't lift anything over 15lbs while you're preggo.
Basically it all kind of boils down to: my body image is shit right now. I don't want to hear all the "you're pregnant, you're supposed to be fat" comments... I'm not supposed to be fat. I'm supposed to be pregnant. There's a difference. It doesn't help much that I'm in that terrible stage of not quite looking pregnant yet.. but just looking like I've totally lost my waist. And because of my total lack of motivation my arms have become completely flabby just in time for tank-top season. And in time to wear a strapless dress for a wedding in July. YAY!
More than anything right now, though, I'd like to complete some much needed housework. I'm hoping to start that project this afternoon after work. Hopefully my child will allow me to accomplish this without WWIII breaking out. That would be lovely. But may be asking too much. Things I'd like to accomplish:
I finally went grocery shopping for the first time in about a month last Wednesday and have made a much bigger effort to cook every night. I'm trying really hard to make better lunch choices. The healthier eating makes for less queasiness. This is kind of a "duh" moment, I'm aware. I'm still really wary of salad, though. And that makes me super sad because I LOVE salad. Puking up the last salad I ate to the point of feeling like I wanted/was going to die has kind of turned me off.. just a tad. I think I will try to make some pasta salad sometime this week or this weekend. I think that will be a doable alternative - I'll get my raw veggie fix but with enough carb to keep it down.
Those of you who are friends with me on the Book of Faces are probably realizing my growing obsession with purchasing an iPhone. I've somehow managed to convince myself that with an iPhone my goal of getting healthy and getting back down to healthier weight will somehow magically become easier with all the fancy apps that will become available to me. No one can unconvince me of this. I'm feeling kind of desperate right now. I'm incredibly disappointed in myself. I feel like maybe I spoke a little bit about this in my last post, but I'm revisiting so.. get over it.
I went off my birth control pill at the very end of last July. I started (or re-started, I should say, since I've been wanting it since about 2006) the "Jessica Hotness Plan" in early September. At this point I would say I was probably close to 220lbs. I liked to pretend I was only at about 212, but I had a shitty scale that I'm sure was LYING TO ME. Okay, so.. basically.. I KNEW I'd be getting pregnant since I had quit my BC - I mean, that was the point right? But I knew I really needed to lose some poundage before that happened... managed to drop down to about 196... I wanted to get under 185. Apparently I didn't want it bad enough. I'm going to be totally honest: I'm a lazy fuck. I at no point pushed myself as hard as I should have or held myself accountable to the extent I needed to. I fucked with my calorie count every couple weeks to try to allow myself as much cheating room as possible, I made a million excuses every day as to why I didn't or "couldn't" exercise.. and once I did get on an awesome routine at the gym, go figure, that's when I found out I was preggo and within a couple weeks started feeling like I was going to puke my guts up all the time. That puts a huge damper on any kind of exercise ethic you might have, just FYI. Plus that weight-lifting routine that was doing my body some DAMN AWESOME good... well, that's out the window since you can't lift anything over 15lbs while you're preggo.
Basically it all kind of boils down to: my body image is shit right now. I don't want to hear all the "you're pregnant, you're supposed to be fat" comments... I'm not supposed to be fat. I'm supposed to be pregnant. There's a difference. It doesn't help much that I'm in that terrible stage of not quite looking pregnant yet.. but just looking like I've totally lost my waist. And because of my total lack of motivation my arms have become completely flabby just in time for tank-top season. And in time to wear a strapless dress for a wedding in July. YAY!
More than anything right now, though, I'd like to complete some much needed housework. I'm hoping to start that project this afternoon after work. Hopefully my child will allow me to accomplish this without WWIII breaking out. That would be lovely. But may be asking too much. Things I'd like to accomplish:
- cleaning out my closet and dresser drawers
- getting all the laundry (clean and dirty) out of the floor by my side of the bed
- rearrange the furniture to accommodate either my chest of drawers or bookshelf both currently living in what will need to be the baby's room
- clean out said chest of drawers and closet in soon-to-be nursery
- find place for the giant hamper and if not possible get smaller hamper
- clean out 4th bedroom and actually utilize for office space - possible place for the giant hamper
- VACUUM UPSTAIRS HALLWAYS AND ROOMS (I'm completely serious when I say it's easily been 6 months since this was done thoroughly... or at all even)
- pack up James' winter clothes and put his summer stuff in his drawers
- clean out the top of James' closet - pack away clothes that are too small currently living there
That's a good starting point. We need to seriously consider having the carpet replaced in the living room and basement... as well as tearing up the crapitastic tiling job done in our foyer and kitchen by the previous owners and laying down some nice laminate.
5/17/11
An attempted return
Well, I don't know that I can honestly call myself a "blogger" anymore. I've been seriously slacking. There have been many things that I've wanted to post about but by the time I have a chance to do it I either can't remember or don't have the energy to do it.
I had my first doctor's appointment a few weeks ago and weighed in at 204lbs after having eaten breakfast and a morning snack and with all my clothes on and all my usual crap in my pockets. Not bad. I'm figuring first-thing-in-the-morning-butt-naked weight is probably around 200 or 201. I can live with that. The Doc said they really don't want me to gain more than 15lbs during the pregnancy because I'm a good deal overweight to start with. I had my 2nd appointment a week ago and hadn't gained anything so I'm hoping keeping at or under that 15lbs mark will be easier than it seems like it should be.
What I wanted to post about is: I was home sick last week and watched Food Inc. on Netflix instant... and it was amazing. I also found out that there is a farm just 2 hours from here that raises grass-fed beef, free-range chickens, and free-range pork and they come to the Farmer's market in Occoquan. I'm VERY excited about this. I really would love to just go totally organic for a month or so and see if our budget can handle it and see how differently I'll feel.
My "morning" sickness finally seems to be subsiding a little bit and my appetite is almost back to normal. There are still moments of "ohmygod I'm a gonna puke" but they are fewer and far between... my main gripe right now is that I feel like I'm dying of thirst all the time and I'm exhausted. Also: I feel fat all the time. lol. I hope that by the end of this month I'll be feeling well enough and have enough energy to get my 30mins/day of exercise in. I got a prenatal yoga dvd but I've been working a LOT and James is struggling with some sort of brat phase and it's just about all I can do to feed myself and get into bed once I get home from work. It sucks. I hate feeling like this.
On a really great note, though: Mike has been exercising 6 days a week and has started watching what he's eating a little bit more and that's awesome. Honestly, I think maybe I'm kind of just waiting for that miracle breast-feeding weight-loss to happen this winter... maybe that's a bad plan to have. It probably is. I'm kind of regularly feeling pretty down on myself for not working a little harder and doing a little better to get this extra weight off before getting pregnant. Obviously there's nothing that can be done about that now, and obviously a person can't really diet while pregnant... but I could be doing more than I am doing. So part of me is like "instead of beating yourself up about not working harder BEFORE, how about you just focus on working hard now and being as healthy as you can be" - which is totally true and right. But then that other part is thinking I'll just lose a million pounds if I breastfeed... but I feel like that's lazy because honestly there is no guarantee that will work out. Plus I'm only home for 8 weeks after the baby comes and just depending on how things go I may have to go ahead and wean when I go back to work.
Isn't this all awesome reading for you menfolk that follow out there? lol
All in all I'm just pretty ecstatic I don't feel like throwing up all over myself all the time anymore, and I'm glad I haven't already gained like 20lbs and right now I need to just count my blessings for that.
I'm planning on updating more often now, but it will mostly be baby stuff and less "this is what I'm eating and this is the exercise I'm doing" stuff.
I had my first doctor's appointment a few weeks ago and weighed in at 204lbs after having eaten breakfast and a morning snack and with all my clothes on and all my usual crap in my pockets. Not bad. I'm figuring first-thing-in-the-morning-butt-naked weight is probably around 200 or 201. I can live with that. The Doc said they really don't want me to gain more than 15lbs during the pregnancy because I'm a good deal overweight to start with. I had my 2nd appointment a week ago and hadn't gained anything so I'm hoping keeping at or under that 15lbs mark will be easier than it seems like it should be.
What I wanted to post about is: I was home sick last week and watched Food Inc. on Netflix instant... and it was amazing. I also found out that there is a farm just 2 hours from here that raises grass-fed beef, free-range chickens, and free-range pork and they come to the Farmer's market in Occoquan. I'm VERY excited about this. I really would love to just go totally organic for a month or so and see if our budget can handle it and see how differently I'll feel.
My "morning" sickness finally seems to be subsiding a little bit and my appetite is almost back to normal. There are still moments of "ohmygod I'm a gonna puke" but they are fewer and far between... my main gripe right now is that I feel like I'm dying of thirst all the time and I'm exhausted. Also: I feel fat all the time. lol. I hope that by the end of this month I'll be feeling well enough and have enough energy to get my 30mins/day of exercise in. I got a prenatal yoga dvd but I've been working a LOT and James is struggling with some sort of brat phase and it's just about all I can do to feed myself and get into bed once I get home from work. It sucks. I hate feeling like this.
On a really great note, though: Mike has been exercising 6 days a week and has started watching what he's eating a little bit more and that's awesome. Honestly, I think maybe I'm kind of just waiting for that miracle breast-feeding weight-loss to happen this winter... maybe that's a bad plan to have. It probably is. I'm kind of regularly feeling pretty down on myself for not working a little harder and doing a little better to get this extra weight off before getting pregnant. Obviously there's nothing that can be done about that now, and obviously a person can't really diet while pregnant... but I could be doing more than I am doing. So part of me is like "instead of beating yourself up about not working harder BEFORE, how about you just focus on working hard now and being as healthy as you can be" - which is totally true and right. But then that other part is thinking I'll just lose a million pounds if I breastfeed... but I feel like that's lazy because honestly there is no guarantee that will work out. Plus I'm only home for 8 weeks after the baby comes and just depending on how things go I may have to go ahead and wean when I go back to work.
Isn't this all awesome reading for you menfolk that follow out there? lol
All in all I'm just pretty ecstatic I don't feel like throwing up all over myself all the time anymore, and I'm glad I haven't already gained like 20lbs and right now I need to just count my blessings for that.
I'm planning on updating more often now, but it will mostly be baby stuff and less "this is what I'm eating and this is the exercise I'm doing" stuff.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)