New goals

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - last week was a little crazy, going back to work and all. I only made it to the gym one day... but I did an hour of dance one day, and then on Saturday took a 3 mile walk with James and even "raced" some of that 3 miles.. oh, 6 yr old energy. Sunday afternoon I started feeling kind of run down, and by bedtime I was sick as a dog. Here we are on Tuesday, and I'm still sick. :(  It stinks so bad. I was really looking forward to hitting the gym more than once this week and trying to get back into a good routine. :-\   I've been very careful about my calorie intake since I can't exercise right now, though. And I'm really looking forward to working out again at the end of this week, and hopefully getting into a better routine next week. Mike has been super supportive with my going to the gym, too! So that is going to make things so much easier.

I weighed myself this morning - and I have lost 2lbs (putting me at 214)! lol  It's not much, but it's something. I'm on my way. And I'm finally getting my calories under control - with the exception of this past Saturday (I broke the 3,500 mark! I basically ate a pound onto myself, yuck!). But there will be none of that moving forward!!

According to this awesome, handy-dandy little tool on WebMD's website (Diet Evaluator) I should be able to meet my goal weight in 36 weeks like my REAL goal weight... My "I'm a sexy bitch" goal weight... And that ultimate goal weight is 160lbs. And thanks to this hand-dandy tool it looks like if I do what I actually plan to do this is totally realistic. It's going to be so worth the hard work I'm going to put into this effort. I'm so ready for my outside image to match the me I see in my head.

Since my goal weight is 160lbs, that means I have 54lbs to lose from where I am today. I'd like to get close to this goal, if not actually reach it, by October of this year. In order to keep myself on track, I want to set small goals for myself over the next 8-9 months. Therefore:

• Goal weight by March 1st: 210lbs
• retake measurements 

I feel like this is a very realistic goal. February is a shorter month, but if I can keep my eating in check like I have been easing back into and get back in the gym 3-4 times a week like I'd really like to, there's no reason I can't meet this goal or even exceed it. 

When I started blogging again at the beginning of this month I know I made a big deal about "waist not weight". It's one of my little positive affirmation dealies that I have listed in my little right-hand menu area. Because I've never really consistently tracked my measurements while attempting to lose weight, I'm not really sure what a realistic "shrinkage" goal is - half an inch in a month? a quarter inch? So right now I'm marking my goals by pounds lost. I plan to retake my measurements today or tomorrow (Feb 1st), to compare to my initial measurements taken January 1st. Since I feel like I didn't really start my weight-loss "plan" until about a week or so ago, I'm not expecting to see much, if any, difference in my measurements. Let's face it - a 2 pound loss in a month is not really a big deal. Considering I haven't really significantly changed my habits, I'm pretty happy with it. But with the habit changes firmly in place, I will definitely expect some better results for the month of February. I'm hoping by comparing my inches lost from February 1st to March 1st I can get a good idea of what to expect of myself moving forward and can set "shrinkage" goals as well as actual weight loss goals - therefore sticking more firmly to my Waist Not Weight mantra. 

To address my January goals - I'm back to drinking soda only once or twice a week (if that), I did manage to sugar detox but without really purposely doing so (whatever works right?), and I'm back to drinking my nearly-a-gallon of water a day. I would say I was pretty successful! 

Goals for February:

• Gym it at least 3 times a week
• Keep calories at 2100 or less on gym days
• Keep calories at 1800 or less on non-gym days
• Lose 4lbs
• Post "before" pictures

Every little bit counts.. right?

Sorry I have been pretty bad about posting the last week or so... baby Nolan has moved into a "I'm not ever happy in the afternoons or evenings" phase, and these are usually the times when I get the motivation and sit down and bang out a blog post.

So I haven't been tracking calories at all for going on about 2 weeks now. There's no excuse other than I just can't remember to do it. And when I do remember to log in.. I can't remember what I've eaten. Oh mommy brain... please, please go away.

One morning last week I did about 2 mins worth of modified plank, and a couple sets of boat pose... for those of you that aren't familiar, these are two of the best yoga poses to strengthen your lower abdominal muscles. Y'know... those muscles that are currently moonlighting as my "mommy pouch", also known as "we keep you from fitting into your old pants without being incredibly uncomfortable". One morning a week ain't gonna cut it though... I'm well aware.

This little voice in me somewhere keeps saying, "Do one of your billion of yoga DVDs when the baby takes one of his daytime naps." and then another little voice says, "Yes! That is a brilliant idea! We love it!", and then my depression says, "Fuck that shit. Yoga during nap times can kiss my big fat ass. SLEEP and/or CRY during daytime naps only." Unfortunately depression keeps winning because he's a big bully that is sometimes hard to control.

So I think it's time I come out with something.. I've been in counseling since August. Just typing that still feels like I'm sharing something that I'm not proud of and that isn't anyone's business. Which, in turn, makes me feel like a hypocrite because I believe that EVERYONE can benefit from talk therapy and have encouraged sooo many friends to seek out counseling for their own problems... but I for some reason still feel like admitting that I'm seeing a counselor is somehow admitting that I fail at my life. I logically understand that that is a really irrational thing to think and/or feel, but it's still there a little bit.

I wanted to get that out there, so you readers know that I'm currently in treatment for my depression, and so you needn't worry that I'm just flailing wildly in the throes of self pity. There are days.. but mostly things are good, and I definitely owe that to seeking out counseling.

So there's that.

Speaking of depression... I start work again this Monday. I'm terrified not only of being buried in 2 months of work, but also (and more so) of being away from Nolan all day almost every day. On top of this, I did finally renew my gym membership and starting this week I'd like to get my big butt back in there and shed some of these extra 40lbs I'm toting around. My good friend is getting married in October and I'm in the wedding party - I'd like to be able to order my bridesmaid dress in a 14 instead of a 20. I don't think that's too much to ask of myself over the course of the next 10 months. The first step to accomplishing that goal is getting back into a workout routine... but part of me feels like that's just more time away from my littlest kiddo. There's another terrible voice in my head that likes to repeat this mantra, "There will always be time to lose the weight later." NO! NO THERE WON'T BE, VOICE! YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

I just know that, much like 2010, all of a sudden June will roll around and I will still be fat.. not only will I still be fat, but there's a very distinct possibility that I'll be even FATTER. No bueno, folks.

Okay, the name of this post... not only does that refer to exercise, but it needs to also refer to eating. And I have been much better about my food choices since my last post. Much less sugar. Although I have not officially sugar detoxed, I have noticed my cravings for sweets diminishing quite a bit. I've almost completely kicked my soda habit as well... although I may owe that to my ability to drink beer again lol.

All in all I feel like I'm slowly getting back on track to where I was before getting pregnant (and consequently being nauseated all the time), and I have faith that within the next month I will be back on a regular workout routine. That will be my biggest challenge. Knowing how I am, it will be so hard for me to not just try to jump right into my "normal" cardio/strength routines and I really just need to start from the very beginning as if I've never exercised before. That means for the first 2 months (at least), doing some low intensity cardio and starting my weight lifting at like.. 15lbs. Even though I was doing like 50-60lbs for most exercises and benching about 120... :-\

Positivity is the key!!

Mariah Carey, please die...

Has anyone noticed the ridiculous obnoxiousness that is the new Jenny Craig campaign? It's Mariah Carey being whore-ish and disgusting all over my tv all day long everyday. I hate it hate it hate it and if I ever thought I might be up for trying Jenny Craig, this campaign has completely ruined any chance of that ever happening. Ever. I just wanted to vent about that because I hate it SO MUCH.

Also, most of my regular readers know I did Weight Watchers online around this time last year... I've been considering re-upping my online membership, but I didn't really do so hot with it the first time around so I'm not sure I want to spend the money. Also also... their new commercial campaign makes me want to stab myself in the eyes and ears with a fork as well and it sort of makes me want to avoid giving them any of my money. -.-

My eating has been really yo-yo-ing lately and I'm sure it's destroying what little metabolism I have left. My calorie intake has been fluctuating like crazy... goes a little something like this: 1'866, 1'286, 2'091, 900, 3'000, 1745.... hmm. Also: 3'000 CALORIES!!! WHAT. THE. EFF. Not okay. Especially since I am not exercising at all. I know, I know. It's no bueno. ...okay, okay, I did dance it up on the Wii while the baby was napping... which was super fun even by myself. And what's sad is I already feel a little sore from this. #howfarIhavefallen

...yes, I just hashtagged in my blog...

So speaking of eating... I seem to have lost all willpower to avoid sweets. I have become a sugar addict all over again. And each evening around this time (dinner time), I think to myself, "Self, tomorrow you should have some plain oatmeal with stevia and a fruit smoothie with whey protein for breakfast... it's sweet, but at least it's natural sugar and not high-fructose corn syrup sugar.." and then I think, "Why, yes, Self! What a brilliant idea! What an awesome person you are for thinking such wonderful things!" and then I wake up the next day and I stumble into the kitchen after a night of dealing with baby things and I see the Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds calling my name.. and I eat a gigantic bowl of them... and sometimes go back for seconds... and sometimes I have that for lunch too... or perhaps I'll switch it up by having some cinnamon toast crunch, or perhaps some Life! You get the gist...

So yes. I need to just man-up and sugar detox in a bad bad way on top of getting some exercise in my life.

A little bit of honesty

Well, I have to be honest with you guys - I did not go and renew my gym membership today. Sometimes accomplishing things with a baby in tow isn't as easy as you think it will be when you picture them in your head.

I DID go to the doctor today, though, and I did get the okay to start exercising normally again. I was also told I have a "really little uterus"... whatever that means lol. I guess my innards do an excellent job of bouncing back from child carrying and childbearing. I wish my outsides would hop on the bandwagon! I also got... BIRTH CONTROL!! I can't even tell you how happy that makes me! No more babies for me, thank you. Just going back on the pill for now. My skin will thank me. It got so bad after going off the pill and was pretty terrible during most of my pregnancy until the very end.

I read a blog post and a really interesting article/interview today. I will share those links right now:
The Great Fitness Experiment - Flat Abs Myth
Why Women Need Fat

I have both the books mentioned in the blog post in my Amazon cart currently. I may check to see if they have them at the library first. I'm very interested in looking into this further! I've always felt like BMI was a total crock... Anyone watch Rachel vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-off Challenge? Well, if you do you have probably noticed Miss USA Alyssa Capanella... she is just short of 5'9" and weighs... wait for it.. 118lbs. It's disgusting. To me, she literally looks like a concentration camp victim. I can't find a picture from the show to post.. but trust me. She has certainly lost weight since winning the Miss USA title. The pictures from the pageant - she's thin, but she certainly isn't sickly looking. According to a BMI calculator she is within "normal" range, at a BMI of 18. Also the fact that most professional athletes fall into the "obese" range just makes it totally obvious to me that BMI is a crap way of measuring healthy body weight.

In other news, I did much better with my eating today. Oatmeal, fiber one bar, a turkey sandwich on a bagel, triscuits and cheese, carrots and celery with some ranch dip, and I believe I exceeded my goal of 64oz of water for the day. I also avoided soda! Win! I did drink a couple beers tonight, but after nearly a year of no alcohol I'm not totally giving up my beer and wine any time soon. I am, however, avoiding liquor. I had strange reactions to liquor after James was born. For those of you that aren't aware - your body chemistry completely changes during and after pregnancy and for me that manifested in bizarre reactions to liquor.. so I'm not pushing my luck this time around.

I think my main focus for this month should be getting my poor eating habits in check. Especially since it's I can't jump right in to hardcore exercise right away - I think it will do my body a world of good to feed it healthy, whole foods as much as I can while I start incorporating some low intensity cardio back into the mix. I need to sit down and put together a plan to work myself back up to my regular cardio/weight routine over the next couple months. I'm think by March or at least April there's not reason I shouldn't be almost completely back up to speed.

Hope you all had a great day and are enjoying what we've had of the new year so far - more later!

Mommy Guilt

Warning: for you dude readers out there, I'm about to wax philosophical on breast-feeding and other new mom stuff. so just FYI. 


So let me just say that quitting breast-feeding SUCKS. My boobs hurt like whoa. My mommy guilt is in full swing, and I'm just kind of all around miserable. Not only do I have all the general feeling bad about not offering my baby what's "best" for him because I hated it and it made me want to die a little bit, but I feel like I'm basically ditching the easiest "diet" on the planet because of selfishness. But I have a feeling that breast-feeding wasn't going to be the magical weight-loss machine for me like it is for others anyway.. so I'm trying to just let it all go. And let go the fact that I'm pretty sure Nolan is now developing a milk allergy (most regular formula is milk-based, for those of you that don't know).. and so I've got even MORE mommy guilt over switching to formula because of that. It will all work out, I know. Right now with my boobs wanting to explode and my infant super fussy and gassy and angry all the time it just feels like things will never be "normal" again.

Tomorrow is the Big Day - I go for my postpartum appointment and should be getting the go-ahead to return to normal exercise and resume intimate activities if I so choose.. also BIRTH CONTROL!! YAY!!! That will also help my milk dry up faster which will be super great.

I've been thinking a lot about the goals I want to set for myself. I'm trying to decide what I want to do about calorie counting especially. I've been tracking my food since the 1st, and currently have my daily intake set at 1600 - although I'm not really stuck on that. That's just what it says I need to be at in order to lose a pound a week. One of my goals is definitely going to be finishing Dr. Oz's YOU: On a Diet book that I started reading in July or August and then abandoned a couple weeks later. I also really need to sugar detox. In fact that should probably be my number 1 goal for this month more than anything else - even getting back in the gym. I haven't been a soda drinker since I was probably 16 or 17, and lately I'm almost as addicted as Mike. I've gone from having maybe one soda a week to having at least one a day. It's terrible! Plus I've gone from drinking a gallon of water a day, to drinking almost no water... terrible terrible. Okay.. so here's what I'll start with:

1. Sugar detox by the end of January
2. Cut soda back to 3x's a week effective immediately (this will obviously kind of coincide with sugar detoxing, but I can start this before a full-out sugar detox)
3. Drink at least 64oz of water a day effective immediately

Other things I should toss around is eating at least one piece of fruit a day, and at least one vegetable. Oh, how far my eating habits have fallen. It's really bad. I was regularly eating my "Strive for Five" and then some everyday this time last year. That 3 months of morning sickness really killed me. My fridge has also decided to freeze everything that goes in it's vegetables drawer so I really need to figure out what is up with that so that I can start keeping vegetables in there without them getting ruined by freezing/thawing! Lettuce gets totally destroyed by that...

So, hopefully in the next couple days I'll have a more definitive list of goals for the month. 

Begin Again

It is now 2012. I now have a newborn baby. I now have gained back all the weight I had lost prior to pregnancy and then-some. I now begin my weight-loss journey again. At this moment I have a renewed exuberance for getting healthy... and by healthy, I really mean skinny but by healthy means.

2012 has to be about being honest with myself. My success was limited before by my tendency to let myself slide. I would underestimate my calorie intake and overestimate my fitness/activity level. I'm sure this didn't impress anyone, nor did it do anything for getting me to my weight-loss goal. This year I have to hold myself accountable, and by being 100% honest in my blogging about my progress I'm hoping I can do a better job of that.

My number one priority for improving my health in 2012 is continual education when it comes to my body, the foods that are good for it, and the exercise necessary to keep it strong. I shall become a devourer of fitness/health/diet information.

My second priority is to not be so hard on myself. I must constantly remind myself that it took me 9 months to gain this weight, and it will take me 9-12 months to lose it. I will not magically get myself down to 160lbs in 3-4 months, nor should I expect to be able to. To lose such a large amount of weight in such a short amount of time would be incredibly unhealthy, and I need to recognize that.

My third priority is to focus on "waist not weight". Although I will weigh myself weekly as part of staying accountable - my main course for tracking my success should be in inches lost, not the number on the scale as this can sometimes be deceptive.


Now to lay it all out... my fluctuation since starting this blog:

September 2010:

• Weight: 205lbs (I had a really crappy scale, so I think this number was probably closer to 210 or 212)
• chest: 41"
• waist: 37"
• hips: 47"
• thighs: 27.5"
• biceps flexing: 13.5"

 February 2011 (official pre-pregnancy weight/measurements):

• weight: 197lbs
• chest: 39"
• waist: 34"
• hips: 45"
• thighs: 26"
• biceps flexing: 13"

January 2012 (official post-pregnancy weight/measurements):

• weight: 216lbs
• chest: 43"
• waist: 37"
• hips: 48.5"
• thighs: 28"
• biceps flexing: 13"

So there it is. I'm thinking about posting some "before" pictures as well, just to keep things in perspective for myself. Looking at purely measurements, I'm not really much bigger today than I was in Sept of 2010, but I surely feel much larger. When I look at pictures from then I feel like I looked quite a bit slimmer than I do now... the other tell-tale sign: none of those clothes from late 2010 fit anymore. That's a BIG sign that regardless of what the inches say, I'm carrying my weight much differently today. 

I go for my postpartum check-up on Wednesday, and am hoping to go from there straight to the gym to renew my membership and get a workout in. I need to take it slowly, which is going to kill me... my gut reaction on how to workout after taking an extended hiatus is always to kick my own ass as hard as I can. This is not an acceptable option when you've just had a baby a month ago. My core muscles have some of that natural separation and I need to be really careful using those muscles in all my movement while exercising, otherwise that separation could get worse and completely derail my workouts for months to come. 

I'll be starting with 20-30 minutes of low-intensity cardio and light weights. I need to resign myself now to the fact that this is probably all I should attempt until mid-to-late February. That's going to take some serious mental effort!