Rebuilding!

I began to write a couple weeks ago about my 180 degree turn on my feelings about my 3 pound gain over September which I spoke about in a my October 7^th update. I had 4 or 5 paragraphs together exploring my terror of regaining The Weight – all 27 pounds of it - and how this small gain could very possibly be a stepping stone to continuing to make excuses until I ended up right back at square one.

Then I made a decision as I came up on the following Friday (for those of you who don’t know, or may not remember – Fridays were always my normal weigh-in day). An odd decision for me in the head space I’d been in regarding my weight... I stepped on the scale before I got dressed for work. Just to see.

It said: 189. Even. My exact “starting” weight at the beginning of September when I began my maintenance “break” period.

When I originally talked about the gain I had said very clearly it could have easily been water retention; I was right. I guess I know my body better than I give myself credit for.

That being said, the panic mode I put myself into got me thinking: I have to stop giving myself permission to eat junk food all the time.

This maintenance cycle was never supposed to be a junk food free-for-all, but I’ve very much treated it that way. All moderation flew out the window and I became terrible at even getting one serving of fruits/vegetables in every day, let alone anything close to FIVE. I was beginning to feel the physical side-effects from my crappy eating habits and was getting sick of feeling like a pile of poo all the time. I decided to commit myself to having healthier meals and snacks immediately. And I’m happy to report that my eating habits over the last 2 weeks or so have improved exponentially. I’m eating what I call “big salads” daily filled with many different types of lettuces as well as baby spinach and an assortment of other veggies. I’m choosing fruits and greek yogurt for snacks, etc. I’m by no means perfect, and there is still some junk food and fast food sprinkled in my diet, but that’s totally okay. I’m getting my fruits and veggies in along with plenty of protein and I can already feel a big difference.

Speaking of commitments; I wrote out a commitment letter to myself regarding exercise/fitness the other day – and even though it is totally dorky, I’m going to share it here:

“Today I renew my commitment to regular, purposeful exercise. I promise to progress, but take things slowly in order to give my body the proper time to recover and readjust to my workouts. I will not push myself so hard or so quickly that I am too sore to complete my next workout and therefore provide myself with an excuse to be sedentary.
 Every little bit counts. 10 push-ups is not “nothing”, nor is 8 squats or 12 sit-ups, etc. Doing one set of exercise will benefit my body more than sitting in front of the television eating ice cream I’m not entirely hungry for.
 I promise not to put pressure on myself to change all my bad habits at one time. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I promise to remind myself that it will make me feel better both physically and emotionally to do some sort of physical exercise, no matter for how long or at what intensity.”

It’s a little disjointed and all over the place, but you get the basic gist. I think I really screwed myself at the end of September when I pulled the whole “go hard or go home” mentality on myself and pushed myself so hard that I could barely walk for 3 days from the soreness. I could not muster the motivation to get another workout in for that entire week, so I thought it appropriate to promise myself to respect my body’s limits right now, to take things slow with steady progression, and give myself the time to rebuild that base strength before doling out major punishment on my muscles.

So! Here’s what I started on Monday: Starting Strength

It’s basic barbell training at its finest. 5 basic lifts, very similar to Stronglifts 5x5, but with a little more advice on proper form, proper warm-up, and 3x5 working sets vs 5x5. We’ll see how this goes. It’s very simple, very basic, which probably means I’ll get bored pretty fast – but hopefully I can build up some good base strength before that happens. Lord knows how I have a million strength training books, so maybe what I’ll end up doing is just sort of cycling through them every couple months. Nothing wrong with that as long as I get the lifting in, I figure.

Okay, so here are some beginning stats:

10/28/13

• Body fat estimation: 32.8% (nearly a 3% increase in the last couple months – this is not surprising to me at all)
• Weight: 189 lbs
• Neck: 13”
• Bicep flexing: 12”
• Forearm: 9 ¾”
• Wrist: 6 ¼”
• Across bust: 38”
• Under bust: 35”
• Waist: 34.5”
• Navel: 37” (definitely increased in the last couple months – boo!!)
• Hips: 45 ¾” (another increase)
• Thighs: 26.5” (yet another)
• Calf: 15” (…aaaaaaand another)

And here are some pictures (with a SUPER flattering shot I had my husband take of my back-fat this time):

10/28/2013 - 189lbs / 32.8% estimated body fat

There are also a few other progress pictures from last month on my "progress page" that I don't think I ever mentioned in previous posts, if you want to check those out. I used one of my them for my recent #transformationtuesday post on my Facebook page.

So there you have it. Laying it all out there. As I said, my body fat increase was not surprising since I can totally SEE it on me right now. I’m hoping this will burn off quickly with better eating and regular lifting. This estimate is from an online calculator (actually the average of 3 different calculators), but I am planning to go do a Bod Pod test either sometime in December or January. I’m pretty excited about that!! It’ll be interesting to see where I’m really at with my body composition… here’s hoping it’s better than I think it is and not worse! Ha!

As of right now I will keep my calories at maintenance levels of about 2400/day and perhaps do a cut in the Spring depending on how things go. As of right now I’m pretty much full-blown tracking calories again, but it’s not stressing me out like it was before. I’ll continue with that as long as my stress level with it stays low. If I start getting obsessive again, that’ll be the first thing to go.

Wish me luck!!

Sweats

Edit: I feel like I always do this - I start writing a blog that pertains to one day and one thing... and then I don't end up finishing it by the time that day is over and then it doesn't make sense anymore. Well, I'm not re-writing this time... so here is YESTERDAY'S post that never quite made it:

I jumped back on the exercise/lifting heavy things bandwagon Monday night... and you know what happened to me? I woke up during the night drenched in sweat a LOT - 29 different times last night according to my fitbit sleep chart. Behold:

...you're reading that correctly. I missed out on nearly an hour and twenty minutes of sleep thanks to restlessness and wakefulness brought on by my night sweats... which, I can only assume, were caused by the metabolic spike from my SUPER AWESOME WORKOUT that I did the night before.

Despite my obvious restless sleep, I feel pretty darn good today. I guess exercise will do that for you. It's like a drug, man. A super happy, healthy drug. If only I could remember that when I'm in my exercise slumps and subsequent depressions.

More later on my workout routine and beginning stats!

Disturbing Trends or WINTER IS COMING!

Well, I never did get my post finished. I kind of lost where I was going with it the longer it took me to wrap it up. Oh well. :-\

The last week or so I've been feeling pretty depressed and dealing with some anxiety. I know that probably 75% of that is because of my absolute laziness the last couple months. Exercise is so important in being able to manage my depression and anxiety; I think sometimes I forget this and think I can just be sedentary, that I'll be just fine. I obviously am not "just fine".

On top of this I started feeling sick again Monday. This would make the second time in about 2-3 weeks. Although, I'm really wondering if I ever really got "well" from my chest cold to begin with. I've been existing on junk food, alcohol and cigarettes while getting very little sleep - that's certainly no way to recover from being sick. I made the decision Monday afternoon to treat myself with healthy, nutrient-rich foods instead of medicine. Monday and Tuesday I ate lots of fruits and veggies - especially leafy greens. I had some chicken soup, too. I slept about 12-14 hours Monday night  into Tuesday morning. I went to bed early last night, as well. I'm sure it also helps that I haven't smoked since Sunday night. I've been saying for about 2 years that I'm going to quit smoking, and I just haven't really wanted to. I'd still like to quit... but I can't say that I entirely want to quit. I'm going to see if I can give myself 2 weeks. If after those 2 weeks I want to start again - I will. But I need to give my lungs a rest and get this cold gunk out of me, and I think the only way to do that is to quit smoking for a little while. We're having a Halloween party this weekend, that will be the hardest night to get through without a cigarette. Stupid social habits!!

I've been thinking a lot about priorities lately and how skewed mine have become. Television and socializing have definitely been at the top of my list, taking precedent over exercise, sleep, as well as cooking dinners for my family. My kids have been eating a lot (A LOT) of chicken nuggets and mac'n'cheese lately. An exorbitant amount. It's bringing on that Mommy Guilty pretty hardcore. As if I need that on top of my not-so-stable mental health right now! I just read back through some of my blog posts over the last year... and I'm noticing a trend. A rather disturbing trend. It goes a little something like this:

"I'm so happy! I love my body! Everything is wonderful! I'm a wonderful, beautiful person with lots of wonderful, beautiful people in my life and I am so grateful and so blessed!"

Some months later:

"I'm so depressed and anxiety ridden! I need to quit my job! I drink too much, I smoke too much! WHY AM I SO FAT?! I can sleep when I die, right?! ALL THE ALCOHOL/CIGARETTES! ALL THE LATE NIGHTS!! I hate myself! I hate my life! I want to die!!"

Rinse and repeat.

But I've noticed another trend that follows the above trend: the majority of my happiness occurs in the last couple months of summer. Basically if you look at all my blog posts, the only time I am really super happy and okay with myself is about 2-3 months out of the ENTIRE YEAR...usually peaking in August.

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! And also: HOW IS THAT FAIR?!

This may be somewhat deceiving, as obvious to people who know me and regularly interact with me, I'm not a total depressed, anxiety-ridden mess 75% of the time. ...am I?

Well, I don't feel like I am. I guess it's just that whole things of this blog kind of being a place for my brain to vomit and my brain is full of lots of stressful things a lot of the time - even though the reality is those stressful things don't regularly "get" to me. Probably because I vent about them here! ...yes? ...maybe?

So basically I notice that about this time every year I find myself feeling like my priorities are out of whack, when the reality is they're pretty much out of whack all the time. I guess it's just that October seems like a good time of year to realize it. Then I usually do pretty well with getting things under control through the dead of winter... probably because it's the dead of winter and who wants to sit outside smoking and drinking in cold weather? Also, it's dark all the time - so why wouldn't I want to sleep more?

See?! It's definitely easier to prioritize sleep and nix my smoking habit when it's no "fun" to stay up late and smoke all the time anymore!

I'm sorry, I totally forgot where I was going with all this, other than: I need to get my goddamn priorities straight and not just for the winter, but for the ALWAYS! The problem is taking some time alone with no distractions to put down exactly how I want to do that and what steps I need to take to get me there. It all kind of comes back around to: I see myself as a totally different person in my head. I would like to BE the person in my head, and the way I currently live my life and prioritize my time isn't going to get me there.

More later. Maybe. If I can get my brain under control for longer than 30 seconds. *sigh*

Bad Blogger Extraordinaire!

I've been drafting/editing/redrafting/scrapping/writing/re-writing a new post for the last 6 days. Hopefully soon I'll be able to pull my sh*t together and actually put it up.

In the meantime, here's a quick overview: I'm renewing my commitment to exercise/fitness, I'm logging all food just for this week to see where I am with calorie intake, and work has been drowning me but should be a little calmer for the next couple days... just in time for me to panic about having very vague and chaotic plans for my son's 8th birthday which is Friday... I've only bought him one present so far. I'm a terrible mother.

Stay tuned!

October Check-in!

“I've got to step back and reevaluate what I'm trying to accomplish. I need to start now. So, beginning today, I'm going to move forward through the remainder of the year trying my best to stick with my goals to Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Be Active. Regardless of whether or not any of what I move forward doing is part of my current plan/diet/routine.” - This was how I ended my first September post. I decided to quit logging food religiously throughout the day and to quit putting so much pressure on myself about purposeful exercise.

So far I think this has been really excellent for my mental health. I feel like I may have actually recently lost more body fat, but I can’t be entirely sure. I’m feeling much more comfortable in my clothing. I’m feeling much more comfortable in my body. I have gained a little less than 3 pounds since my last weigh-in (a month ago), but to be fair I have eaten a LOT of sodium the days leading up to weighing myself and this could all be water weight. This is how I’m currently feeling about my weight gain:

The first couple weeks of September I did pretty well with keeping up with my runs, but the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really tapered off on almost all purposeful exercise, with the exception of a couple Mondays ago when I did The Beginner Circuit Workout From Hell that made me sore for nearly FIVE DAYS. I’m not entirely sure how to feel about this. According to my FitBit reports, though, my light activity (general walking around, housecleaning, etc.) has increased quite a bit – and I am taking 20-30 minutes walks nearly every day during the work week. Something tells me this is just as good, if not better, than 30-40 minute runs 2-3 times a week.

I don’t have a very solid idea about how much I’m eating really, but there have been a few days here and there where I’ve logged everything just to see, and from that I appear to regularly be eating around maintenance. I’ve also been able to focus a little more on how stress/sleep/life-in-general affects the type of foods I’m choosing to eat. Not much sleep? It’s going to be a majorly carb-heavy kind of day. Stressed out? Not gonna eat much of anything, but will probably drink a lot of my calories in the evening. On normal days I feel like I’m keeping a pretty good balance… though I have let my fast food intake get a little out of control. I even bought some really delicious fresh bread at the grocery last weekend to encourage myself to go home and make amazing sandwiches with it – unfortunately things at work got a little out of control, and I ended up not having the chance to go home and prepare lunch for myself at all last week. I've been thinking about just taking my lunch to work with me in the mornings and not giving life a chance to screw up my opportunity to eat something fresh/homemade vs fast food... but that means preparation and motivation and I'm a little low on both of those right now! 

I will say I'm feeling a little guilty and depressed over falling out of my normal workout routine (yes. still.), and as I was gearing myself up to start fresh this week -- well, the germs got me. I've been battling a head/chest cold for 5 days and it ain't lookin' like it's going to clear up enough for any kind of exercise anytime soon. Yay congestion! I spent the weekend getting lots of sleep and just trying to recover. It's looking like most of my week will be spent doing the same. On the plus side, I usually only get for-real sick like once or twice a year, so hopefully this is it for me for the fall/winter! And if I can flow out of this sickness back into a normal workout routine, all the better for my immune system.

I have lots more I want to talk about, but I'm having a hard time focusing right now. Hoping to have another post up in a couple days!

October update coming soon!

Hey all!!

I am currently working on my end-of-September/beginning-of-October update - it's just not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to. It certainly doesn't help that I'm feeling under the weather right now! No motivation to do anything other than lounge in front of the television when I get home from work.

Please stay tuned!!