Lack of exercise, and learning how to do screen shots

Well, folks. I hate to say it, but I'm going on 3 weeks of no real on-purpose exercise. It's pretty terrible, but thank god for keeping my calories in check as I continue to lose weight. Part of me thinks maybe I should do this whole "get small" thing before focusing on working out.. but working out makes me a more sane person, so there ya go. I'd feel much better if I were even getting just a short walk in here or there - instead I'm doing a bunch of NOTHING. Boo.

My baby decided 3am and then 6am were good times to be awake today. I should have made Daddy get up at 6 and headed to the gym, but my bed was calling my name and with some cuddling baby and I both drifted back off to sleep. If I want to feel good getting up at 6am I should probably try going to bed before 11:30/midnight. Even though I used to do it every day when I was commuting 35 miles to work every morning in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Oh, how times change.

So! I figured out how to do screen shots in Chrome, so now instead of typing out all my food-ness (which I've been supremely lazy about doing to begin with), I can just take a screen shot of my MyFitnessPal food/fitness diary and post that!

Behold:

Pretty fancy stuff, huh? I'm pretty proud of myself! This will help me stay more accountable for what I'm putting in my body, too. Although, really, let's be honest here: I don't really care if you guys judge what I eat. Obviously it's working for me as I continue to drop between 1 - 2 lbs a week. HA!

With the eating, and the weigh-in

This week has been fine if you just look at my calories (with the exception of yesterday), but when you look at the actual FOOD I've been putting in my body, you'd be incredibly disappointed... there's been Taco Bell and tootsie rolls and donuts and a bunch of other sugar-packed junk. Yesterday for lunch was a 600 calorie frozen margarita with some good old deep fried tex-mex (chicken flautas) and cheese dip. Let's not forget the chips! Lordy, lordy. It did keep me super full the whole rest of the day, so I didn't have much in the way of dinner... but even so my calorie county for yesterday was close to 2,800 calories. Saturday I woke up with the determination to get back on track with my eating! Started the day off with a whey protein fruit smoothie, and I headed to the grocery store soon to restock my kitchen with fruit and veggies and whole grain goodness.

Okay, so Friday was my normal weigh-in day but I totally forgot, so on the scale I got Saturday morning...

Official weight @ 5/26/2012: 200.8 lbs


!!! That's a 2 lbs loss for this week! Even with my crappy eating! If I keep this up, I'll hit my 20 lbs milestone in just a couple weeks! That would be so amazing. I can't wait to break that 200lbs mark again. I'm only 3 lbs away from my pre-baby weight!!

That's a lot of exclamation points. I apologize. But I am so proud of myself.

This week will be about getting back in the gym or at least taking a walk a few times a week. I'm so pumped about the weightloss, but I almost feel like I don't want to hit the gym for fear that I won't see the same results on the scale while focusing on strength training - but if I stick to walking/cardio (which kind of goes against everything I read about fat loss!!) then I think I will continue to see that number drop at a decent pace. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me really wants to focus on strength training and get that tone and boost my fat-burning potential, but the other part of me is so excited to be losing 1-2 lbs a week on the scale. It's almost like I feel like I'd like to get down to my halfway goal by calorie counting and cardio, and THEN start focusing on building lean muscle mass. At least that way if the scale-loss slows I can feel good about where I'm starting from. It's kind of what my gut is telling me to do. We'll see. If I actually get in the gym, I think it will be really hard for me to not touch the weights! lol

A little deviation

I'm going to deviate a little bit from my "usual" on health, fitness, what-I'm-eating, etc. right now to talk a little bit more on recent emotional struggles. I know I've mentioned here before that I started seeing a counselor regularly last year and have really struggled with anxiety and some depression since the end of 2009.

I'm really proud of how far I've come with my emotional growth over the last 6 months or so. It's been really hard to not fall back on my normal tendency to rage about everything, and to worry about what everyone else is doing all the time, and get all wrapped up in the needless drama. It's been hard to focus on me and what my issues are. I realized I kept myself in the middle of lots of other people's chaos because it made it easy to avoid the constant negative inner-monologue about myself. It made it easier to forget how much I disliked myself and to forget all the past negativity I was holding onto.

I would go so far as to say: I've become a completely different person than who I was this time last year. In ways that I think are positive and healthy. Some of the people I know may not agree. They may feel like I've been unavailable as a friend, maybe even that I'm not as "fun" as I used to be. I struggle with those feelings, too. Sometimes I feel like a terrible friend, like I'm distant or uninterested. I feel like I'm not fun anymore either.

Mostly what I'm learning is that being a Real Live Adult is really fuckin' hard. Having two kids is stressful. Working full time and running a household is stressful. Working on a marriage and keeping communication lines open in that marriage is a full-time job all on its own. Trying to keep my social life as active as it was a year ago or two years ago is not an option for me right now. There are only so many things I can focus all of my attention on. But on that note, and what really I'm struggling with the most now, what's triggering my old habits of focusing and feeding on negativity is this: exclusion.

It seems so silly, doesn't it? It shouldn't even matter. It doesn't matter in the big picture. In the grand scheme of things and my life and where I intend my life to go, this shouldn't even be a blip on the radar.

But it still fuckin' hurts. A lot. It triggers my self-loathing hardcore, as I have a tendency to pride myself on being a well-liked and desirable person to be around. This could be complete delusion, but I like to think there's some truth to it.

As someone who just recently gained access to a Real Life Adult mindset, the rational side of me completely understands that one can't always be included in everything - just as one can't always attend everything they are invited to. There are very good and real reasons for being excluded. Most of the time it's not even an "on purpose" thing or meant to be hurtful in any way. And that's fine. But it doesn't make it feel any better.

It just seems like, when you have lots of mutual friends, you have to be careful of what is said and where (ie: Facebook). If you know Sally So-and-So wasn't invited to Johnny's July 4th BBQ, but you're all mutual friends - don't blab on and on about how excited you are to be going to Johnny's party to Sally. Or Sally's boyfriend. Or on your Facebook. Or on her sister's Facebook wall. Or your twitter. And you can say all you want, "Why? Why should I protect someone's feelings like that, why is it MY responsibility?" - to which I would answer, it's not your responsibility if you really don't care that you're hurting that person's feelings, but I wouldn't really expect them to stay friends with you for very much longer if you're going to act like your feelings are the only feelings that matter.

I'm not trying to say everybody should do as I say - I'm just saying, for me, knowing that I've been or am being excluded from things that a year ago I would have been included in, hurts my feelings and makes me feel like maybe I don't have as many close friends as I thought I did. It also makes me feel like maybe those friends just enjoy me more as an emotional wreck than as a healthy, stable person.

I'm not saying, "Everyone must invite me to EVERYTHING!". I'm not saying that at all. That would be ridiculous. I'm just saying I am so much more aware of my actions since I started working on myself. I'm much more aware of my feelings and how my feelings and actions affect other people in my life. And now, more than ever, I try to follow that Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated.

I'm just putting it out there, that out of everything I've been through in life, out of the terrible way I've been treated by some people - that for some reason this one little thing that shouldn't matter is mattering a whole lot to me at this time in my life. I'm just putting my feelings out into the world in an effort to work through this crap way of feeling and move on and get over it. It's nobody's fault, it's not one person or one situation. It's the culmination of a lot of things that have transpired in the last 8 months or so. It's all about the "getting to me". It all finally started getting to me and eating away at my self-esteem, so it was time to just vent it out.

I know I'm a good person and a good friend. I know that I have good people in my life. I also know it's not all about me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that last part.

Aside from the usual anxiety of being a real-life adult...

...I'm feeling pretty excellent.

This week I discovered I can fit into my work slacks again. These are size 16's with no "stretch", just plain old cotton khakis. Not only do they fit - they fit comfortably. More comfortably than they did 16 months ago (pre-pregnancy), actually. I consider that a pretty awesome accomplishment. The calorie counting might not be doing a whole lot where the scale is concerned, but I'm certainly shrinking. I'll take it.

I should probably do my measurements again at some point... oh, and take those progress pictures!

This week is the week for getting back in the gym... but my husband is out of town until late Tuesday night, so that means I can't really go until Wednesday. Hopefully my motivation can stay strong until I get there. I was planning on walking on lunch or with the kids after work today, but the ridiculous amount of rain happening here today is kind of derailing that. Curses!

Saturday we went to this "family fun" thing that the county park association sponsored and I spent about 4 hours walking while pushing Nolan around in the stroller, which DEFINITELY counts as exercise - so at least I got something in for the last couple weeks.

I'm just kind of repeating to myself constantly, "Every little bit counts." If it's a 10 minute walk, fine. It counts. If I spend an afternoon vacuuming my living room/stairs/upstairs, mopping my kitchen floor, carrying laundry up and down two flights of stairs - it counts. It doesn't have to be "exercise", it just has to be "activity". This thought process has helped me so much. I'm feeling so much better about myself, and I'm not constantly berating myself for not making it to the gym.

I'm really proud of myself with my calorie counting as well. I'm really trying to focus on my hunger - if I'm hungry "for real", or if I'm just craving because of boredom or depression, etc. Doing that has made it incredibly easy to keep my daily average around 1,600 calories. I've also given myself Fridays and Saturdays as cheat days, and I don't worry about what I'm eating or drinking those days - giving myself the permission to eat "whatever I want" on these days has worked out really well, as I'm still rarely exceeding the 2,000 calorie mark.

Now, if I can just getting back into the groove of blogging daily!

That track thing, becoming a germaphobe, and weekly weigh-in

"Back on track", "staying on track", "keep on trackin'" ... okay that last one I made up.

What track? Where? There was a track I was following at some point? When was that?

That's how I feel right now. Although, I do have to say that I have been excellent at counting calories. My daily average for the last couple weeks has been around 1550. It's pretty awesome. And thank goodness I'm doing well with my calories, because lord knows the gym and I are still in a fight.

I remembered to weigh-in this morning - and just as I predicted, there was a slight gain:

Official Weight @ 5/18/2012: 202.8 lbs


That's still an average of 1lb/week loss the last 2 weeks, even with the gain. I'm totally okay with that. That's ideal for me, especially without exercise.

I've got to get back in the gym. There's just no other option. I think I need to try going in the morning... which would mean getting up around 6:15am on gym days. I don't know if I'm really okay with that, though. But I can't seem to motivate in the evenings on a regular basis, so this may be the only other option. Or a buddy. Anybody out there want to be my gym buddy?

Another reason I haven't been to the gym since recovering from Death: I know my immune system is way down, and I'm terrified I will catch germs. Nasty gym germs. I finish my antibiotics today, so maybe by Monday I will feel "well" enough to brave the gym germs in the name of Sexy.

Positive news: I've officially gone down a size in jeans. I am down to a 16, and can even fit some of my Old Navy 14s. That is pretty exciting! Also, only 5 more pounds until I'm back at my official "pre-baby" weight. Maybe I can be there by mid-June! Then only 12lbs to my halfway goal of 185!

Next time I'm at the gym (either this weekend or Monday), I will get new progress photos and get those posted. I may even go for the yoga pants/sports bra look to better track my belly fat loss. We'll see how brave I'm feeling.

Weight-loss win, blogging fail

I have now lost approximately 15lbs since my January 1 start.

Official weight @ 05/11/2012: 201.6 lbs


Thanks to being on my death bed and consuming nothing but water 5/6 - 5/9, I lost nearly 4 pounds in a week. I'm sure this coming weekend when I step back on the scale that will have come back up a bit, but that is expected. As of right now, I'll take my 15lbs-loss mark!

So far I have been awful at my "blog more consistently" goal for May. I feel like I haven't had much to blog about in the way of health/fitness since I destroyed my foot and then had the Plague (otherwise known as Strep Throat). I'm starting to feel like I can't catch a freakin' break, but I don't want to just bitch and complain on my blog all the time.

I'm going to say something here, but I'm not trying to get anyone to "keep me to it" or anything, because if I feel like I'm forcing it on myself - or anyone else "expects" it of me, it's not going to work... I think I'm quitting smoking. I've only had 2 cigarettes since Saturday May 5th. I'm not "trying" to quit, I just haven't really wanted to smoke. And that's great, and I'm excited about it - but I'm trying to just not even think about it too much because I know as soon as I do I'll go right back to it just to spite myself. I'm sure I've jinxed myself by saying anything about it on here. We'll see. Just.. pray for me. lol

My experiment in "doing what feels natural" hasn't gotten very far thanks to injury and sickness. So, I guess what's felt natural lately is not exercising. Truth be told, I'm a little terrified to get back in the gym. I'm afraid that my immune system is shot and I'm going to get sick again. I can't afford it - both in a financial/work sense and a psychological sense.

That's really all I have to update on. You'll hopefully be hearing more from me soon!

An experiment in experimentation...

If you'll look just a bit to your right on this page you'll see I have a little area marked "Priorities". When I started blogging again back in January, I did an overhaul and added a bunch of new stuff to my page(s). I felt like this little "priority" box would be a great little reminder of the things that should be most important on this weight-loss journey. Earlier this week I updated that little box along with adding my goals for May. I made "Eat Less/Better, Move More" one of my top 3 priorities. It's a simple and smart mantra. I need simple right now.

My number one priority, as you can clearly see, is "Educate Yourself". I'm HUGE on this. I really should go back to school and get my degree in physiology/nutrition, because I love, love, LOVE learning about the effects of diet and exercise on the human body. Lately, however, I think I may be reaching an information overload... and I am becoming addicted to this information. I currently have 3 new books at home about various exercise routines, diets, and nutrition that I am beginning to read. That's not including the 2 magazine subscriptions I have (Fitness and Women's Health), plus all the internet reading I do on the regular (HuffingtonPost Health, Time Health and Science, New York Times Health and Fitness, etc.). Today I stumbled across a new health/fitness magazine that I want to subscribe to: http://experiencelife.com/. I may be out of control. But more importantly, I'm wondering, is this massive amount of information doing me a disservice? I worry if I do too much cardio and not enough strength I will lose weight, but still be uber flabby. I worry if I eat too few calories I'll stunt my metabolism and screw myself - even though a lot of what I've read recently says that "intuitive" eating is best, not scheduled eating.

I got back in the gym Monday night for the first time in too too long - it was awesome! I did some HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) and put together a great strength training circuit. I felt amazing. Even today, 3 days later, I am feeling the muscle soreness... which makes me wonder if maybe I'm pushing it too hard too fast. I'm in no way close to the fitness level I was at 14 months ago. I need to go back to "beginner" routines and build some base strength and stamina. I mean, this is why I decided to lay off on the Body Breakthrough routines, right? Because I wasn't at a high enough fitness level! So I need to work on slowing down, taking my time, working on my form with lighter weights, etc. And fighting off the inner-monologue telling me that if I don't push myself to the point of energy I'll "never" lose weight - because that's simply not true.

Ideally, I would like to do a beginner HIIT and strength training routine Mon, Weds, Sat and then regular cardio on Tues and Thurs - rest days being Friday and Sunday. However, if I put my expectations too high then I run the risk of "failing" and then moving into a sneaky hate spiral which will lead to not going to the gym at all. So, I'll go ahead and PLAN to exercise 5 days a week, but if it doesn't happen it won't be the end of the world. And if it happens but I only have time to do something for 15 minutes instead of an hour - that's okay, too. Every little bit counts. It's my new motto, sort of.

So did I tell you that I broke my left baby toe? The same one I broke last year? I can't remember and I'm too lazy right now to go back and look.. but I did. It was about a week ago. Then Saturday night I stubbed the broken toe on my husband's shoes that had been left in the middle of our bedroom floor, which made it all swollen and bruise-y again... then last night... I dropped a dinner plate edge-down on the top of my foot right below my two smallest toes on my left foot. It hurt more than childbirth. I'm not kidding you. It immediately turned dark purple and swelled about 4 times a normal toe/top-of-foot size. I couldn't put any weight on it. I cried for 30 minutes. Some of that was the pain.. but mostly because I had planned to get my ass to the gym last night and do some cardio. I felt so damn sorry for myself. But today, after 3 hours of ice, and nearly 12 hours of elevation, it looks somewhat normal. It's still purple.. actually a little more purple... but the pain has subsided quite a bit, plus the swelling has gone down. There's a huge part of me that is thinking, "Yay! Let's go to the gym tonight!", but I know I need to wait to make sure it doesn't get all swollen and ugly again after walking on it all day today.

I kind of went on a couple tangents there... back to my original point when I started this post: I'm considering experimenting with doing what feels natural. I'm still going to count calories because that definitely helps keep my eating habits in line, but with exercise I'm going to quit OVER-educating myself and just do what feels good, what feels right for me and quit worrying about what 101 "experts" have to say. Just for a little while. I am well versed on the "basics" and even the "not-so-basics", so this should be pretty easy. "Should" being the key word there.