I'm thinking about taking a break from (or maybe even quitting) the blogging, the researching, the calorie tracking, the exercise tracking, the FitBit-ing. I'm even thinking about disconnecting my Instagram from Facebook so as to no longer bombard my friends (and myself) with my near-daily #365daysofchange posts. I will not be taking a break from and/or quitting #365daysofchange because I feel it's important to finish out that commitment to myself. I've thought about maybe continuing to share things now and then with the friends and family who have decided to "like" my Jess vs Life Facebook page...but even that I'm iffy on right now.
Lately I've been eating what I want without worrying much about calories or macros, trying to sleep more, exercising when the motivation strikes, and playing more video games. I realized over the last couple days, I'm totally okay with all of this. That may seem like a strange statement considering some of the self pity that had been happening on my 365 photos lately. But I realized, I was judging myself based on what I kept thinking I "should" be doing instead of what actually makes me feel good. There is another side to all of this... and that is: I've been struggling with my anxiety a little more and feeling pretty insecure about many different things. As a result I have just about ruined my hair with all the dyeing and bleaching and dyeing and bleaching again... I have a tendency to take out emotional turmoil on my hair - I'm not sure why and I hope to one day grow out of this (as I'm sure my hair does as well). I think some of this anxiety and insecurity is coming from my inner-struggle of the Should vs What Makes Me Feel Better. I'm also certain some of it is coming from some lingering grief. I haven't quite pinpointed specifics, but if I'm messing with my hair color this much there's definitely something going on with me and I'm desperate to shed something or become something or change myself. I'm desperate for absolute control over something - and the one thing I feel like I can always control is my hair. I'm recognizing that and trying to be nice to myself.
Part of being nice to myself is letting go of my very public health/fitness journey/struggle. Maybe just for a little while. Maybe permanently.
In creating this whole space (the blog, my Instagram, my Facebook) where I shared my thoughts and experiences as a means to motivate, hold myself accountable, and inspire myself as I dealt with my health and fitness goals and lifestyle changes, I'm realizing what I've actually accomplished is creating a space where I constantly judge and put pressure on myself to perform at a certain level, to eat certain foods, to project a certain image, and to accomplish things that sometimes are not realistic - or not even what I want for myself. As a result, I'm constantly disappointed in myself and feel like I'm failing. Every time I start a new program, new diet goals, set personal goals - and every time I stop that program, that diet, do the opposite of those personal goals, it's like a giant shove down the self-hate spiral slide. And not only am I failing myself, but I feel like I'm failing the small group of people that regularly follow this blog.
I'm not helping myself very well. I haven't accomplished even a fraction of what I hoped to accomplish in this project. And I'm certainly not helping my readers. I read back over archived updates and feel like I mostly whine about things that aren't super important in the grand scheme of life and it surprises me that anyone actually reads on any kind of a regular basis.
...now I'm just self-deprecating, which gives you a glimpse into that insecurity I'm experiencing.
I don't know that any further explanation is really necessary. This is my brief goodbye, meant in two ways: 1) a brief post, and 2) I may be back in full-force in a few weeks depending on how I feel. It could be that I realize this offers more of an outlet for me than I thought and is actually doing more good than harm. But I won't know that unless I back off for a bit.
It's been interesting, y'all. And perhaps we'll do it again soon.
