Can't weight (see what I did there?)

Official weight @ 04/19/2013: I have no idea

I didn’t weigh-in this week. Friday I just forgot, Saturday I didn’t want to because I drank a bunch of beer Friday night and knew I would show a lot of water weight, Sunday I forgot, etc. Then a funny thing occurred to me: I don’t really care how much I weigh right now.

Let me explain: I care how much I weigh – as in, I don’t want to gain back the nearly 30lbs I’ve lost by going back to old eating habits, not exercising, and being a lazy loaf. But I don’t care how much I weigh today, because I know that it’s somewhere around 190 lbs and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while.

I had some custom TDEG/macro numbers run for me last week by an MFP friend who’s currently working toward their Health Coach cert – and I’m not entirely sure I want to use them. I’m not entirely sure I want to eat at a deficit at all right now, actually. Since last Tuesday, I’ve done a couple intuitive eating days – with the same results as the first day: more carbs/sugar than I think I should need/want, under where I want to be on protein, but overall less hungry throughout the day. Maybe I should start listening to my body a little more. Or maybe I just have yet to break my sugar addiction. Maybe a little bit of both.

Announcement: I’m quitting New Rules. I’ve only done one workout of Stage 2 so far and I have a legitimate concern that I’m quickly reaching a point in the program where I really just don’t have and can’t currently afford the type of equipment the program calls for.

Second announcement: I started Stronglifts 5x5 last night. I think this is going to fit into my schedule a lot better than the 55-70 minute long NROLFW Stage 2 workouts. The 5x5’s take me roughly about 30 minutes with warm-up/cool-down. It only requires that I have a dumbbell and barbell set with a bench (2 of these 3 I already own, the 3^rd is soon-to-be-purchased as my belated birthday present), and it’s quick, simple, to the point – and is the routine Arnold Schwarzenegger followed when he was training for Olympic powerlifting. Not saying I want to be an Olympic power lifter… just want a simple, quick lifting routine that isn’t going to take up a massive chunk of my evening while still building strength.

I was worried yesterday that this could very well be my typical “I feel like nothing is working so I’m going to just switch up everything every couple months until I find the ‘magic’ trick that works overnight” routine… I tend to be hard on myself about this in particular, usually telling myself that I’m just “half-assing” my way through getting healthy. But then I realized last night, that it may just be that I get bored easily and so switching things up every couple months helps keep me motivated. And, y’know, if that’s what it takes for me to consistently be working out and continuing my strength training, then so be it!

And now for something completely different…

I spoke a little last week about the emotional downturn I took during my rest week. Those emotions continued to sabotage me all through last week and into this past weekend. What have I learned from this? I’m not sure that I’m the type of person that can take a legit “rest week” without having a replacement exercise routine in place. I told myself I would continue to be active during my rest week – and I did, for the most part. I took walks during my lunch break, I did a Jillian workout, I did a round of HIIT. But I was just sort of willy-nilly all over the place. And then I got really lazy. Lazy and a little depressed. I used my birthday as an excuse to not get my real workout in and then proceeded to schedule social activities for every other night of the week – which I think may have been subconsciously on-purpose (that’s a thing right? Lol). I made myself “too busy” to fit my workout in. Wednesday I managed to make it happen, but Friday I blew it (part of this was the time issue mentioned above – didn’t get home from work/mom’s until nearly 8pm, still had to get my kids to bed – who wants to start an over-hour-long workout at almost 9pm? Clue: NOT ME.). Saturday I had plenty of time, but chose to sit in front of the tv and nap most of the day. Sunday I figured, “Eh, tomorrow is Monday. I’ll just start fresh then.” and spent most of that day in front of the television as well. I don’t know what was up with me. I think part of it is not seeing the results I was expecting with weigh-ins and even with measurements to a certain extent (but I want a 28” waist nooooowwwwww!!). But I also know that I haven’t been putting in my full effort. “Half the effort yields half the results” – yup. So I guess I was emotionally punishing myself, which is ridiculous.

My main goal in this whole thing is to change the way I live my life. Forever. Not just for a few months to get “skinny”. That means it might take months or even years to figure out what will work best for me and what types of things will continually motivate me (such as switching up my workout routine every couple months!). Logically, rationally, I know this. Emotionally? I know this not at all! Emotionally I’m like, “Go ahead. Go ahead and starve yourself for a couple months and do massive amounts of cardio to burn all those calories and shrink down. THEN you can rebuild your lean mass and metabolism.”

NEGATIVE, STUPID EMOTIONS! I will not do those things! I will do this the good and right way! It may take me another 16 months to lose another 27 pounds, and THAT IS OKAY. (ps – I don’t think I WANT to lose another 27 lbs, maybe more like 15, but still.)

I know I had this big “I WILL reach my goal weight in 2013! I WILL reach my goal body fat percentage in 2013! I WILL make it all happen THIS YEAR!” speech a couple months ago… and that attitude is all well and good, except when it’s not and puts you in a place of constant negative- inner-monologue-ing for not reaching the expectations you set for yourself.

To end on a positive note (and NSV): Lately I’ve been getting the “You’ve lost so much weight!” “You’re looking so thin!” compliments from friends and family. Even my doctor told me at my appointment last week, “You must have lost 30 lbs since the last time I saw you!”. It’s nice to notice other people noticing my hard work – and it definitely helps me realize that the work is paying off, even when I might feel like it isn’t.

Slow progress and back on routine

I spent the majority of my rest week last week eating too much junk – and too much in general! This is definitely helping me come back around to this “eating well” with a little perspective. I’m looking at shooting for an 80/20 split on my food choices. 80% “clean”, and 20% “whatever I feel like”. With my TDEG (Total Daily Eating Goal) estimated around 2200, this means I can either eat up to 450 calories daily of my “whatever” food, or save those up for the weekends to splurge on eating out or drinks or what-have-you. Eating a bunch of processing junk all the time makes me feel like crap. I’m pretty excited about doing some grocery shopping this weekend for lots of fresh fruits and veggies to keep cut up and stored in my fridge for snacking.

In other food news: I sort of inadvertently ate intuitively all day Tuesday… and I stayed within my calorie goal range for the first time in nearly a month. I did, however, eat more carbs/sugar than I would have preferred… and not nearly the amount of protein I normally get, but at least I didn’t feel like I was starving all damn day and didn’t go to bed hungry and didn’t wake up ravenous. Something to think on a little bit.

Now, a confession: I didn’t do my first Stage 2 NROLFW workout until last night…

Monday was my birthday (I should have known better than to make this my “start” day lol), and Tuesday, honestly, I was just being lazy. The last few days of my rest week I started to feel the emotional effects of being out of “routine”. I was still somewhat active during my rest week, but definitely not putting in the effort that I normally would while lifting. I had serious junk-food bloat happening in my belly, like, to the point where some of pants weren’t fitting so well. Plus I felt like I had gotten super flabby (I didn’t. I haven’t. Body dysmorphia, anyone?).

Well, I got my workout in last night even amongst the craziness that was my children and oh.my.god. What a difference! Not only in my emotional state, but I seriously felt like my body went from mushy to muscles after just one 45 minute workout. I’m sure some of that is completely psychosomatic, but I don’t care. Bonus: my pants fit normally today. So glad to be back at it. So far not feeling too sore… but I’m sure it’s coming. Some of the stuff in Stage 2 is pretty crucial. Fact: One-point dumbbell row, MUCH HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. Also – planks are owie.

I know I need to post strength gains from Stage 1, I keep forgetting and I apologize for that. I also never took any official “after” pictures, except the “sexy belly” shots I put up last week… so that’s all I’ve got to go off of. I’ll do pictures for beginning of Stage 2 soon. However, I do have some measurements for you guys:

Measurements @ 4/13/2013 (changes in blue - previous measurements taken 3/10/13)

Estimated Body Fat: 33.28% / 31.6%

Chest (across bust in sports bra): 38" / 38.5”

Bicep: 12" / 13”

Waist: 33.5" / 32.75”

Waist at naval: 36” / 35.5”

Hips: 44.5" / 44.25”

Thigh: 26” - no change

Change is happening slowly but surely! 1” GAIN on my bicep – that’s pretty freaking incredible. Would also explain the nearly 2 point drop in BF%! Finally seeing a little bit coming off the hips, and I'm still impressed with my consistent losses in my waist. I'll take it! :)

Time for some sort of overhaul...?

Official weight @ 4/12/2013: 191.4 lbs

This time I have no junk food excuse. I ate reasonably well yesterday with the exception of a delicious ice cream treat that cost me 400 calories… but I was okay with that. However, I think my weekly average on calories has gotten out of control. Two weeks ago when I saw my first real loss of this entire year, I averaged about 2200 calories/day, plus was doing my lifting and remained pretty active outside of lifting that week. The week before that I think I had averaged closer to 2000. Well, this has been my rest week… and I’ve averaged (so far, we haven’t even gotten to birthday celebrations yet!!) closer to 2500. Granted, many folks on lifting programs will eat at maintenance during their rest weeks, but I hadn’t really intended on doing that… I’m pretty sure it’s just been complete and total lack of willpower.

I’m feeling really unsure on how to proceed on this. Part of me thinks I need to stop worrying about it so much and quit actively tracking throughout the day for a couple weeks and just kind of eat what I’m hungry for. Then, at the end of the day, I can go ahead and put it into my diary and see what I’m intuitively averaging and move from there.

Another part of me is thinking since I can’t seem to get my calories under control, I need to just workout 3-5 days a week instead of 2-3. Yes, I get some walking in during the week (and am all over the place on the weekend walking, running after children, climbing stairs, etc.) – but maybe I need to just take the time to actually do a WORKOUT on my non-lift days. I’m thinking about incorporating Jillian’s Ripped in 30 and doing that on off days… although I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m terrified since that might mean overworking certain muscles…. BUT, I can always sort of skim the more strength-oriented parts and focus mostly on the cardio aspect. I need to reread this portion of the book, but I want to say that New Rules has you do HIIT sessions during Stage 2… that might take care of it. We’ll see.

I am just really super confused right now. I’m starving all the time yet eating like a normal person, I’m more active than I’ve been in a loooong time, my body shape is completely changing and yet the scale has barely budged, and my measurements are only barely changing – although I haven’t taken officially measurements in a WHILE. That will happen tomorrow, most likely.

I would like to lose at least another 10 lbs. I can be totally happy at 180 with awesome lady muscles and easily wearing a 12/14. Seriously! I just feel like 190 is still “too heavy”. And maybe that is just a messed up place for me to be mentally/emotionally. Maybe I need to just stop being such a whiney baby and suck it up and stick to my calorie cut and cleaner eating and add the dreaded cardio into my routine. I get really discouraged sometime because I feel like I still have so much fat in my mid-section to lose… I’ll be really impressed with myself (see: sexy belly pictures), and then I’ll have these weeks where all I can seems to focus on is that little bit of mommy-pooch still happening, the little bit of back-fat that still pokes from under my bra, the squishiness on my hips… and then realizing that even though I’ve lost 5% (or more) of my body fat since January, but at over 30%, this still puts me into an obese category.

Fun fact: on the body fat percentage chart, there is no “overweight” – you are either “above average” or you’re “obese”. How’s THAT for the self-esteem? Another fun fact: even skinny people can have an obese body fat percentage. Hence, weight lifting.

This “rest” week has just been really rough for my body-image and self-esteem. I feel “squishy” and lazy (even though I’m still DOING stuff – just not LIFTING stuff) and maybe that is just transferring into some emotional eating and that’s why I feel like I’m starving all the time and can’t keep my calories in check. It’s all just a roller-coaster, I guess. And chances are I will probably continue to have days or weeks where I feel this way even after I’ve reach goal weight/goal BF%... and so maybe it just boils down to being okay with feeling this way, as long as it’s not perpetual.

Thank you for reading today’s edition of “Jessica Makes A Personal Revelation”. Please tune in next week for episode 3! Lol

Weekly weigh-in and a rest week!

Official weight @ 4/7/13: 190.2 lbs

I forgot to weigh-in on Friday morning, ate a bunch of junk (read: sodium) during the day, and then came in at 190.8 Saturday morning. Saturday I drank more water, but followed it with cheese friends a lot of beer Saturday night – but reflected a half pound difference Sunday morning which is what is reflected here. I think all of this “gain” was nothing more than water-weight. I also did my final “bonus” workout for NROLFW Saturday morning and my muscles were mucho sore so I know I was definitely still retaining water on top of the sodium/beer overload.

I haven’t redone measurements officially yet. I will do that at the end of this week before starting Stage 2 next Monday, BUT after reflecting a 1.5 lb gain on the scale I decided to just measure my waist to make myself feel a little better… and even with the sodium bloat going on, my waist showed a 1” loss! Super excited about that.

I also had a major NSV this weekend – I bought a pair of Gap “boyfriend” jeans… wait for it… in a size 14!! I add the “boyfriend” in there because this particular style is a little looser than their standard boot-cut jean – but it still made me feel HELLA good. I’m also noticing a major difference in my face and my arms are slimmer/shapelier, as well. No chicken wing jiggle!

So this week is my rest week from lifting before moving into Stage 2 of New Rules. My goal was to stay active with some HIIT, yoga, walks, etc. That’s all well and good. So Monday night I did an HIIT workout from FitnessBlender.com (LOVE THIS SITE!!!)… it was only 15 minutes. Then I did a 5 minute cool-down, which mostly consisted of walking around my house. It was sooooo borrrrrriiiinnnnggggg. I hate cardio so much, and this was especially boring because I had invited Mike to do it with me (thinking it would relieve some of his stress from work – it didn’t – more on this in a minute)… so instead of popping in some earbuds and queuing up my “Workout time!” playlist, I just watched the video for the workout and jumped around a lot.. in silence.. while my husband secretly shot me hate-looks… and then quit halfway through because it “wasn’t helping”.

Mike has been so supremely stressed out for about a month now. It’s really taking a strain on our relationship - not in that we are growing apart but more that we get almost no time together even though we are both home at the same times. He’s usually up in our home office working, while I’m downstairs taking care of the normal every day household chores. Even though my workload at home has increased (while work at the office is not really decreasing in any way yet), I feel like I’ve maintained ridiculously well. I’m finding that I’m more organized, more motivated, and a little harder on myself when it comes to making sure I get chores done. I find I am rarely accepting the “I don’t wanna” from myself anymore – this is both good and bad. Good because a lot of the time when I get a case of the I-don’t-wanna’s it is completely unwarranted and someone should just kick my butt and make me empty the damn dishwasher and clean the kitchen. Bad because I think I’m starting to take it a step too far and not allowing myself enough sit-down-and-relax time. This will eventually catch up with me and probably lead me into a downward spiral of tears and it’s-not-fair’s. I’m going to try to center a little bit and plan in some downtime for myself…  after all, it’s occasionally okay to let the dishes wait. I just have to keep telling myself my husband won’t have to work like this forever, and I’ll eventually have my partner back in all aspects of life, from hang-out buddy to chore sharer.

Speaking of my sudden propensity for organization and planning - some other NSV’s for this month so far: I successfully planned dinners for 2 weeks, as well as planned lunches for James for this week. A different something every day so he doesn’t get bored! I’m pretty proud of myself. Now… if only I could get my own breakfast situation in order. Some days I do really well and make the time to make a homemade egg mcmuffin (sans ham), and other days I’m scrambling out the door barely remembering to grab a yogurt. One thing at a time, though, right? I’ve also been making a conscious effort to run at least one load of laundry a day so I can stay caught up. I’ve been pretty successful with this, although there have been one or two days where it hasn’t gotten done. That’s okay.

I came to the realization the other day that I may actually be accepting the fact that I’m a Real Live Adult now. Not only accepting, but enjoying. I feel like I’m finally coming into my own a little bit and feeling comfortable not only in my body, but also in who I am as a person. I don’t find myself caring quite as much about what other people think of me – or even whether or not they like me. I’m happy with myself. I think I always thought I was happy with myself in the past, but this is so much more real. Seems like a strange way to put it, I guess, but it’s the best way I can describe it.

Tonight I’m headed over to a friend’s for Girls Night where there will be much chips and dips to partake in (not to mention drinks!), but I’m not really going to stress on tracking calories. This will definitely be a splurge day, and I’m looking forward to filling it with guacamole, taquitos, and salsa! YUM!! Those things are mostly healthy, right? ;)

April? Already?!

I can’t believe how quickly this year is going by. It’s hard to remember how fast it’s going sometimes, especially when every day at work feels like it’s never going to end. Yes, yes.. I’m complaining about work again. It’s okay. Just a few more weeks of the insanity… just a few. More. Weeks.

Official weight @ 3/29/13: 189.2 lbs

Another loss! I’m pretty satisfied with it. I’ll take .8 lbs a week. Nooo problem. Let’s just keep it up!

I wrapped my final workout of Stage 1 for New Rules of Lifting for Women last night. I’m very impressed with my body composition changes over these last 6 weeks! So much so that I’ve taken to regularly snapping what I like to call “sexy belly” pictures. Behold:

 

and some muscles, too:

Nice, huh?! I still have a little bit of the "mommy pooch" happening, but overall I can see a HUGE difference.

I have two “bonus” workouts that will test my strength increases over the last 6 weeks. I’ll be completing those Wednesday and Friday nights, then begins my rest week before starting Stage 2. It’s going to be really weird taking a rest week from lifting, but I’m hoping to keep in my habit of exercise by filling in my lifting workout timeframe with some HIIT, walks, yoga, or some other non-lifting activity. I’ve considered also eating at maintenance during my rest week, but I feel like I’ve almost been doing that everyday anyway, so there may be no reason to specifically try and track it that way.

Okay, so let’s review goals for March:

1.       Finish Stage 1 of NROLFW – DONE! Technically I finished first day in April… but I’m okay with it.

2.       Make morning yoga a routine – I think I did this once since the end of February… sleep has just been so much more important lately. More on this in a moment.

3.       Stick to a consistent sleep schedule – doing this for the most part, however instead of making my weekends fit my weekday schedule, I’ve more been staying up later during the week only without the sleeping-in part that the weekends occasionally afford me. :-\

Also priorities:

·         Plan meals/shop for menu – hasn’t happened once. I’ve just sort of inadvertently cooking the same 4 or 5 meals a week… it’s getting old. Need to get on this. This will remain a priority of April.

·         More reading, less TV – NOPE! Also remaining a priority for April.

·         Be more present in my life (aka: put down the iphone) – getting much better about this! Also remaining on the list for one more month.

So, priorities will stay the same for this month. I think one of the most important goals is going to be getting on top of sleep. I may need to scale back my lifting to 2 days a week once I start Stage 2 of New Rules. One of the big changes the book says to watch out for and that could be a sign of overtraining (with weights) is disruption in sleep patterns – whether that means insomnia or feeling fatigued all the time. I definitely am feeling just exhausted and like I can’t catch-up on sleep most days. Keep in mind I’m regularly getting between 7 and 8 hours of sleep a night, with the exception of maybe Friday or Saturday night which is averaging around the 6 hour mark. Part of it I’m sure is the lack of consistency in my sleep schedule to begin with, but I’m really feeling like “needing” 10 hours of sleep a night is just… not right. It could also very well be that I’m just going to bed and waking up at the “wrong” times according to my circadian rhythm. Sometimes I think, how weird would it be if I’ve gone my whole life thinking I’m a “night owl”, when, in fact, I’m actually a morning person? I’m going to do some research and see if there’s a way to determine what one’s natural sleep/wake cycle is supposed to be… this may mean going to bed when I actually am first getting tired one Friday or Saturday night – god forbid! lol

So ever since I decided to do yoga with James he now begs me to “do a workout” almost every night. I feel bad on the nights that I lift because there’s not really space in our basement for the both of us to be down there, not to mention that 7 is way too young to do any type of strength training aside from normal body weight type stuff (which, of course, he isn’t interested in). He doesn’t really pay much attention during yoga and spends most of the session just throwing himself/rolling around on the floor and goofing off (not unlike how he spends most of judo class), which is quite irritating since I’m doing the yoga for the relaxation aspect… nothing relaxing about a 7 year old jumping all over the place “trying” to do mountain pose. In case you aren’t familiar with yoga: Mountain pose consists of nothing more than standing with your feet shoulder distance apart and “grounding” yourself in your breath. Occasionally we will do what James calls “fun warm-ups”, which consists of roughly 30 seconds of jumping jacks, 2 or 3 half-assed push-ups, and 10-15 minutes of dancing however one may please to music of James’ choosing (usually Party Rock Anthem played on repeat… please kill me). It’s not a bad workout when you consider it’s devised by a little kid, but I’ve been looking into exercise DVDs specifically geared toward kids. I’ve found a couple things on Amazon – a yoga DVD, a dance DVD, and then a general fitness DVD which covers everything from stretching to cardio to resistance (using body weight) and wraps up with a little yoga as a cool-down. It sounds pretty well rounded and I think I may start there. I’m super excited at how interested he seems to be in keeping active, but some days I think it’s better for both of us to do our own thing instead of me trying to do one of my workouts with him or him instructing me in some “fun warm-ups”.  That being said, I also need to make more time for he and I to do fit stuff together – take a walk, do a dvd, do Fun Warm-ups, or what-have-you – instead of one 20 mins twice a week when I’m going to be doing yoga to stretch out my sore muscles anyway.

Keeping sleep issues and James inclusive fitness in mind, new goals for April will be:

1. Keep active during rest week/Begin Stage 2 of NROLFW
2. Get to bed at a decent time 7 days/week
3. Make more time for fitness with James

What are your goals for April? :)