Goodbye, Old Friend

Bugsy
June 2000 - February 2012

This is my dog, Bugsy. We had to put him down on Saturday. He had a massive tumor in his abdomen that had displaced most of his organs and was crushing his intestines, along with some pretty severe internal bleeding and spleen damage from this tumor.

It is hard for me to describe how much I miss him already. He deteriorated quickly over the last week.. 3 days of that week he spent with me at my house, and I am incredibly thankful that I got to have that time with him. I realized he was becoming very ill very quickly, but I didn't think that when he went home Friday night, that I would be saying my final goodbye to him 18 hours later.

I was able to be there with him when he passed on, with my Dad. To be honest, I think Dad and I loved him the most. Part of me felt like I was betraying him by holding his head as the vet euthanized him. I just kept telling him he was a good boy and it was okay. What are you supposed to say? After, all I could do was say how sorry I was.. his head was wet with my tears. We sat and continued to pet him and talk to him long after he was gone. When he started to get cold, it was time to go... and even though I knew he wasn't there anymore - that spark that made him Bugsy, that made him MY dog, was gone - it was hard to walk out of that room and just leave him there. I couldn't help but think, "He won't understand why we are leaving. He hates being left at the vet." But that was just his body, not actually Bugsy. And he's in doggie heaven now, romping around with his friends and eating as many used napkins as he can get his mouth on.



So Saturday was obviously a pretty rough day. I cried pretty much the entire afternoon and into the evening. I ate a lot of junk food and drank a lot of beer. I didn't really count points yesterday or today. Today was better, but now that the kids are in bed and Mike's out for his Man Night, I'm missing my dog and getting really sad again. It's hitting me a lot harder than I expected it to. I'm not going to lie, part of me wants to go out and get a Golden Retriever puppy. But that is probably not the healthiest response - on top of the fact that I have no business buying a puppy when I have a baby to take care of and spend money on.

I need to grieve. And I guess I thought that losing a pet wouldn't be quite the same as losing a person... but he was a family member. He was our "damn dog". When James was a baby, Bugsy let that kid poke and punch him, pull his ears and tail and put his hands all up in his mouth. When James would cry, Bugsy would rush to him and look at us as if to say, "Hello?! He NEEDS you!! Take care of him!!" It is incredibly sad for me to think that Nolan will never remember Bugsy or have the chance to "torture" him as he moves into toddlerhood.

But back to the health/fitness updates... so, like I said, didn't really count points this weekend. I'm okay with that. I did go to the gym for an hour Saturday morning and that felt amazing! My friend Andrea just signed up for a 7 day pass for my gym and I'm really excited to have a buddy to go with this coming week.

I lost 0.6 pounds this week - not quite as good as last week, but I'm okay with it. A loss is a loss. My measurements have come down a bit as well. I know I said in my post last week that I would share those with you and, well, I plum forgot... so here they are now:

Measurements @ 2/18/12:

• Weight: 211lbs
• Chest: 42"
• Waist: 36" - 41" at bellybutton
• Hips: 47"
• Biceps: 13"
• Thighs: 27"

So, I've lost an inch off my chest, waist, and thighs so far, and an inch and a half off my hips. Not bad, I would say. I have one pound to lose this week to meet the goal I set for March 1st. I will do my actual weigh-in March 2nd, since that's my Weight Watchers weigh-in day. Hopefully I can REMEMBER this week and not have to put it off to Saturday. I hope my splurging this weekend won't set me back. Tomorrow I get back to my cleaner eating and back in the gym. I think being sure to keep up with my workouts will help with my grieving process as well. The better I feel physically, the easier it is for me to stay in a positive mental place. That is a fact for me. I just need to remind myself of it.

A little less motivation

Today was a pretty good day... until dinner. We had dinner with my in-laws - which was great, as we don't get to see them too often - BUT (there's always a but, isn't there?).. we went to Old Country Buffet. Which, for those of you not familiar, is like a Golden Corral.. only not nearly as delicious. I did pretty well all things considered. I had a giant salad with baby spinach and cucumbers and carrots and just a little sprinkle of cheese and a little bit of low-fat Ranch dressing... and then a small (smaller than the palm of my hand) chicken-fried steak with some biscuit gravy and small small serving of mashed potatoes also with biscuit gravy. So even that, not so bad. I also drank only water. For desert I had a miniscule square of what I'm assuming what supposed to be cheesecake (although it didn't really taste like cheesecake) and then about 1/4 of a chocolate chip cookie square. That's all fine and dandy. Then we left. Then my baby screamed the 15 minute drive home because he decided he was STARVING TO DEATH as soon as we were walking to the car. Then when we got home I realized his diaper was about to explode, so there was more screaming as I made him wait another 5 minutes for his bottle (how DARE I?!). Then by the time he ate, had a bath and I got him ready for bed.. well, it was an hour passed his usual bedtime and he was overtired and out of sorts and fighting sleep and me the whole way.

My stress level quickly went from low to EXTREMELY HIGH within the course of about an hour. Let me just say that both of my children were perfectly behaved all during dinner. I guess you can't really ask for more than that. But my hopes and dreams of going to the gym quickly went out the window as the clock approached 8:45 and the baby was not yet asleep (although I passed bedtime duty off to Daddy at that point, lest I through my child across the room.. there is a reason nature makes them so cute).

Rationally I know if I had just sucked it up and gone to the gym - be it 9pm or not - I would have felt probably 100% better. But the last Bud Light living in the fridge was calling my name.. as were the cigarettes living in my purse. Needless to say.. I chose to self-medicate rather than go work my frustrations out by lifting weights and "running" on the eliptical. I'm a little disappointed in myself.

Self discovery note: junk food makes me depressed. As soon as I ate that chicken-fried steak with that biscuit gravy I felt my mood sink. And then when I ate that sort-of-a-cheesecake square I realized, "I'm not even hungry anymore... I'm just eating this because it's here." I think if I had stuck with my salad and maybe a little bit of mashed potatoes I may have felt more like going to the gym.

My plan for tomorrow is to take my gym bag with me to work, and hit the gym right after I get out before I pick up the baby from the sitters. I figure I can get at least 45 minutes of something in. Maybe do just a smaller version of my normal cardio/strength training routine.

I also weigh-in tomorrow, and I'm concerned that my fried food and beer is going to effect the result. :-\   I'll be hydrating quite a bit before bed tonight.

So far, so good

I did two workouts last week - neither at the gym, but both involving cardio and weight training with my good friend Andrea! (You can check out her running/eating healthy/being a mommy/planning a wedding blog here!)

I earned 12 WW activity points, plus didn't end up using all of my flex points for the week.

The other night after our workout, Andrea and I were talking a lot about the frustrations of winter making us want to sleep all the time and eat junk/comfort food whenever we're not sleeping, and the mental tug-of-war between letting yourself feel like there is plenty of time to reach your weight loss goal and feeling like your wasting valuable time all over the place. I feel like I especially struggle with this.

One example: on New Year's Eve we went to a party and I definitely was having a rough time squeezing into a cute pair of jeans for the night. I remember trying not to be disheartened, as I told myself, "By Mike's birthday you'll be smokin' hot. You're going to get the go-ahead from your Doc next week to start exercising again and then you'll have 3 weeks to get into a good gym routine before having to go back to work and then another 3 weeks before his birthday - that's 6 weeks of exercise and healthy eating to transform your flabby body. It'll be great!" Well... a good gym routine didn't happen. I started watching what I was eating, but still splurging a lot. So, Mike's birthday rolled around last week and I really look no different. I've lost about 5lbs since the end of December, but I believe most of that is the fluid retention loss that happens as you get further away from the day you gave birth.

All through January I told myself, "You have plenty of time." But do I really? I'm a bridesmaid in Andrea's wedding in October, and I would really like to be down to at least 180lbs by October. I feel like that is a SUPER lenient goal. I expect to meet it.. I expect to exceed it. I have to keep my positive attitude.

So here are my stats for Friday's weigh in: 211.6

That's a 2.5lb loss! I'm pretty happy with that. Getting some exercise definitely helped.

I'm off to a good start for this week as well! I've worked out twice do far, some mini cardio and strength training yesterday and 45 mins of just cardio tonight. Already up to 12 activity points for the week! Planning on doing strength training again tomorrow and then try to get a third day of cardio and strength Saturday. I don't see any reason why I can't accomplish this. I'm really excited to get in the scale Friday morning and see if I'm closer to my goal of 210lbs by march 1st. I would be ecstatic to exceed that goal!

My measurements are also going down. I've lost an inch off my waist so far and two inches off my chest - although that probably has more to do with no longer breastfeeding than anything else. Oh, floppy boobs.. But all these bench presses should help perk those girls up a little bit!!

Sorry, that was probably a little tmi. Lol

I will post my full measurement updates when I'm not posting from my iPhone... Yay blogger app!!

Anyhoo.. I'm also doing awesome with my healthier eating. I'm really proud of myself with that. It's made it a lot easier to stay within my daily points allowance, for sure. The only "problem" with losing the weight is.. My daily points allowance will go down. Haha. Oh well. Small price to pay, right?

Positive Thought of The Day

I've decided that when I have positive thoughts about myself pop into my head - I should post them here. That way, I can always go back and read all those positive thoughts when I'm feeling down on myself.

Here goes!

Today I thought:

I have great arms

Failing Already?

My post title is a little misleading because right  now I'm trying so hard to NOT think "I'm failing already". 

I weighed in on Friday after my first full week on Weight Watchers. I've lost nothing. I stayed within my points target and well below my "flex" points for the week. Logically I know that being sick and barely eating for almost a week probably had something to do with it. And especially the fact that I spent most of that sick-week either in bed or on the sofa and had no physical exertion whatsoever. I know these things. I also know that my body does not respond well to dieting alone. My body requires that I exercise in some way, shape, or form (no matter how small) in order to kick into weight loss mode. I started to panic yesterday that it would be impossible for me to meet my 4lb loss goal for February. Tonight I started that horrible inner monologue of "why even try when you're not going to be able to do it anyway?" 

What is THAT all about? 

I guess a large part of me is feeling like I let myself get away with too much the first time I started this adventure. I don't want to allow myself to be lazy this time. The math doesn't lie - and the math tells me that if I can stick to these two simple things: a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise 3-4 times a week - then I absolutely can reach my ultimate goal weight by the end of this year. 3 weeks ago that was incredibly motivating for me. 3 weeks ago I believed in myself more than I ever have before. THAT is the difference between September 2010 and January 2012. I know, if I'm honest with myself, that when I set out to lose weight in September 2010 I didn't believe I really could do it. Sure, I thought, I could lose maybe 10 or 15lbs. I could get back down to 180. Maybe. I kept telling myself and others, "I've had a child. Let's face it, my body is different. I'll never be 160 again." I was blatantly ignoring the fact that I had gotten back down to 170 for my wedding just 2 years before. Had I kept up with my gym habits after the wedding, I could have been at 160 by Christmas of 2008. Then come January 2012 - just a little over a month after having a second child - I was telling myself, "You can do this and you can do this now. You can accomplish this within the year." So where is this negativity coming from? I feel as if I've never let the scale dictate my mood or motivation before. My clothes are fitting much much better than they were even just a week ago. I understand part of this is my hips, rib cage, etc. shrinking back down to their normal size -- but who cares?! I can comfortably fit into those 18's! A month ago a 20 was snug! 

Writing this now is making me feel a lot better. But I'm realizing that my biggest enemy and my biggest obstacle over the next 9-12 months is going to be myself. There is a mean girl that lives inside my head and she wants me to be fat and stay complacent just so she can say, "I told you so. I knew you couldn't do it." 

While I was home sick earlier in the week, I caught an episode of Dr. Oz where they spoke to a panel of women who were purposely keeping themselves morbidly obese to cater to the Feederism community (google it). They had a psychologist on the show who specializes in overcoming emotional obstacles for weight loss, and the first question he said every person must ask themselves before attempting to lose weight is: Who told you you were worthless?

This really struck me. I thought it was excellent. If you think you're worthless than why would you want to work to try to lose weight to be healthy? Why would you think you deserved that health if you feel worthless? 

Here was my thing... the only person I could really think of that had ever told me I was worthless was.. me. I don't know where it comes from (something I'm working towards figuring out in counseling), but it's definitely there. And that chick in the back of my head.. man, she is MEAN. 

I'm hoping that by recognizing that I am my own worst enemy is a giant step in the right direction. I'm hoping to be able to curb that automatic negativity and focus on that positive feeling I had in January. I can be a weight loss success story. I just have to remind myself that not only CAN I be... but I WILL be. I've been thinking about writing positive notes to myself and leaving them posted around the house randomly. This might need to be a project for this week.

• Weight at 2/10/12: 214lbs
• Target points: 36 daily w/ 40 flex points for the week - 24 flex points remaining as of today (flex points reset on Fridays - weigh-in day)
• Goal for the week: hit the gym at least twice

Looking Back

I know it's kind of a cliche with weight loss, but it's funny how when you look at old pictures, you always come across certain pictures and you think, "I looked really good then." but then you can remember feeling like you were totally fat and disgusting at the time.

My moment like that happened yesterday while searching through iPhoto for a goal weight photo. I came across my pictures from my 1 year wedding anniversary. This was right before I REALLY started packing on the pounds. I was around 180 or 185, I suppose. I had gained about 10lbs since my wedding. I remember feeling like I was so large. But looking at those photos yesterday I thought, "I looked great!". Not only did I look great, but I looked COMFORTABLE in my body. Isn't that interesting? I can remember feeling really bad about starting to gain weight.. but I looked so happy and comfortable in my own skin. I think maybe being a newlywed had something to do with it lol. I was also able to pinpoint when I got big enough that I was NOT comfortable in my body anymore... I'm all hunched over in photos, there are a lot where I have my arms crossed over my belly, etc.

I just found that interesting. I hope once I get back down to the 180's that I will be able to consciously recognize how good I really look, how far I've come form where I am today. I hope I will be proud. And I hope that pride will spur me forward to continue eating healthy and exercising frequently in order to reach my ultimate goal weight. And what I hope more than anything is that when I do reach my ultimate goal weight, I will be able to SEE it. To truly see it.

Anyhoo...

I finally got my appetite back a bit last night and the first thing I wanted was a Heath bar Blizzard from Dairy Queen. My husband, being well trained during my pregnancy, immediately ran out to get me one... lol. I'm not sure if that's really a good thing or not. But it was a good thing I didn't eat much of anything the whole rest of the day.. because of the little bit I did eat, that small blizzard ate up (haha) all the rest of my day's Weight Watchers points!

Today I have stayed well within my alloted points. I've made excellent food decisions today:

• breakfast: cranberry & flaxseed oatmeal, a pear
• lunch: 1oz of sharp cheddar with 10 triscuits
• afternoon snack: tea latte
• dinner: romaine salad w/ shredded mozzarella cheese and some homemade ranch dressing, Progresso loaded potato soup
• evening snack: 1 square of dark chocolate

Tonight I've finally started to feel like a normal person again. My congestion is almost completely cleared up, I've coughed very little, I'm no longer running fever, and I feel like I may have finally gotten enough rest and sleep. I'll return to work tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but maybe in returning to work I'll be able to get back into a good gym routine. I'm supposed to go to the movies tomorrow night, so I haven't quite decided whether or not I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I think maybe I'll wait for Friday. This will also give me one more day to make sure I'm not still harboring this virus from hell somewhere inside of me. 

Can I just say - one thing I'm really looking forward to tomorrow is getting some Subway for lunch. lol. I feel like that's so silly. But I'm starving for it! I guess better to be craving Subway than McDonalds, right? 

Letters from the Sick Ward

Well, it's been a rough week and a half, I'll tell you what!

7 days into February and not a single day in the gym thanks to the virus-from-hell. What started as this weird, feverish, body-achy, sore throaty sort of thing then quickly morphed into this chest-cold-ish bronchitis deliciousness coupled with a little bit o' sinus infection. I started on antibiotics and thought I was getting better. The weekend was pretty "normal" health wise... and then yesterday at work I had chills and abdominal pains all day.. only to come home and realize I was running a 101 fever. VIRUS FROM HELL. Mike informed me everyone in the office had this thing while I was out on maternity leave - his mom was sick for almost two weeks. Basically people kept coming into work while they were sick and leaving on their sickie GERMS everywhere... and then I caught them.

Gross.

I've been suuuuper good with my calories. I even decided to go ahead and re-up my Weight Watchers membership and see if I can get that to work for me this time around - woo! We'll see how it goes. So far, so good. But it's only been a week. I'm pretty stoked about it since I've finally mastered the "make better choices" idea. I did not break my calorie limits once last week. And even with the couple glasses of wine I had on Friday night I stayed within my limit. I'm pretty proud of that. Saturday I had to tap in into my flex points during my date night with Mike, but that's okay. I HAD the flex points to use! Now if I could just start planning my evening meals in advance... that might be a goal to keep in mind for March.

I did finally take some "before" pictures for the blog the last time I was at the gym. They aren't the usual sports-bra and booty shorts photos that let everything hang out in all its fatty glory to shame one into sticking to their diet and exercise plan... but I think they will serve their purpose nonetheless. Look for them to pop up in the sidebar.

I'm really pissed off I haven't been able to exercise. I feel like I'm just wasting all this time and that I'm never going to be able to get into a good exercise routine! I know that's kind of an overreaction, but we are already over a month into the year and I'm stuck at home on the couch with this ridiculous sickness.

I also need to be better about blogging. I have not been consistent with my updates at all. I'm sorry about that, readers. Sick or not, that's something I can definitely be better about.