Fear of Life

Last night my friend Caitlin came by to have some wine and just visit. We were chatting about our kids, our husbands, our jobs and all that usual stuff. In discussing work, she brought up a friend who recently moved up in the company she works for – how much this friend loves her job, how often she gets to travel, etc. She said she’d love to have a job where she could travel, and I immediately said, “Oh man, no way, not me.” I kind of jokingly talked about how I’m scaredy-cat and home-body.

But it’s true. I would never enjoy traveling for work. It would make me feel incredibly alone and lonely. I’d be terrified of saying something wrong at a conference or a meeting. I’d be terrified of looking like I didn’t know what I was doing. I would hate having to be away from my friends and family, I would hate sleeping in unfamiliar environments, living in hotels. Even if it wasn’t for work!! I’ve never desired to travel extensively. I’ve never had the itch to go to Europe or Australia or Japan, etc, etc. The very thought of being on a plane over the ocean, of being somewhere I don’t fluently speak the language – of the jet-lag and the time zone adjustment. None of it is appealing to me!! I didn’t even want to go to the Bahamas or Dominican Republic or anywhere like that for my honeymoon - I was perfectly happy to drive 5 hours down the highway to the Outer Banks.

I’m kind of terrified of life outside my norm. The cliché of growing up in a small town, marrying your high school sweetheart, raising your children in that same small town, and dying in that same small town is incredibly appealing to me. I would be happy and content with that life, I think. It would make me feel safe. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe that’s just how some people are, maybe that’s okay. Maybe if I had come up in that small-town cliché, I’d feel differently. I guess I just like knowing where I’m going and what I’m doing and what’s going to happen. If I’m uncertain about my environment and/or with people who are uncertain, it makes me feel really out of control and scared.

That’s part of my issue with my job right now, I think. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing a lot of the time. There’s no schedule or regiment to any of it other than “I run payroll on the 15^th and the 30^th” type stuff – outside of the “schedule” of those dates each month, every day-to-day interaction and work process is different dependent on what our clients want and need. It’s not as simple as, “Everyday I come in and I draft x memo or report, enter new data on spreadsheets A, B and C, I check the fax and mail and file invoices” etc, etc, etc… there are those basic things, but there are also phone calls all day long, email barrages, etc. that may require a different answer to the same question all the time. And the follow-ups… don’t even get me started. WHY SO MUCH FOLLOWING UP?!?! Not to mention the knowledge. I just pretty much feel like an idiot all the time. I have no expertise in the business I’m currently working in – and on top of that, it interests me very, very little, so trying to retain additional knowledge than what already comes from common sense and just having been in the same office/industry for 4 years (osmosis, as I like to call it), it’s near impossible.

Also, I’m not sure if you all were aware, but a major side-effect of high-stress and depression is short-term memory issues. I find this happening to me all the time, and it just keeps getting worse. I couldn’t tell you what I ate or who I spoke to 4 days ago. I consider myself lucky that I remember to put pants on in the morning, because there are days where I will stand in front of the bathroom mirror for 5-10 minutes just trying to remember what it was I was doing. Hint: it’s usually “put my contacts in” or “brush my teeth”. It’s one thing to operate in a sort of fog on a daily basis, but it’s a little scarier to realize you have no idea what you did last Christmas. You know you bought your youngest child a Fisher Price pirate ship… but what did you do?? Where did you go, who did you see? I have no idea. I know we stayed in Virginia. That’s about all I can recall other than the pirate ship thing. Fun stuff, huh? Yeah, I don’t think so… I also don’t think that’s particularly normal.

This happened on Christmas:

My dad got me this Eeyore mug as a gift -- I wanted to show it off so I snapped a photo... and immediately realized how mousy and ashy my hair looked. One's hair should not almost exactly match the color of their green eyes. I'm just sayin'. 

So then this happened on Saturday:

My hair is now auburn. And while it looks pretty (although a little darker and redder than I really wanted), I also quickly realized that if I'm dying my hair, I'm feeling out of control. 

It's just hair, it'll grow out, I can bleach it, I can cut it, whatever. I can control my hair. And it's about the only thing I can easily and somewhat effectively control. I can style it however I want. It can be whatever I want with little to moderate work/time/effort.

This is a red flag in my world. I'm honestly surprised this didn't happen before now. I also would be surprised if I didn't hate it/change it within a month. 

I also want you all to know that I'm consciously trying to maintain positive thoughts today. My god, it's exhausting. 

A Brief Moment of Positivity

Last night I went up to a local restaurant/bar to meet up with some friends for a beer. It just happened to be karaoke night (and I just happen to love me some karaoke), and it also just happened to be pretty dead in the bar area so I got to sing several songs over the couple hours I was up there.

I had a bit of a busy day yesterday and didn't really eat much for lack of time, then I took my oldest son to a birthday party at a roller rink where I got to roller skate too!! Not only was there roller skating, but also a reunion with friends I hadn't seen in over a year! So much fun!!! However, after doing that for about an hour running on almost zero food... and then eating a bunch of fried and sugary goodness from the party snacks, I honestly felt like I was maybe having a diabetic episode. I felt like I was going to just pass out at one point! The point of this is to say: I didn't drink much with my friends even though I felt much more "normal" at that point of the night. I had just a couple beers, drank a lot of water, and danced my butt off to all the awesome karaoke folks were singing. I had a BLAST! And I felt really awesome about not being a drunky-pants, allowing me to offer a couple of my friends a ride home and save them some cab money.

I felt really good when I got home, although tired. As I got ready for bed I was feeling very good about myself and pretty happy in general. I noticed I was giving myself compliments in my head while changing into my pajamas. I was thinking, "Man, Jess, look at these awesome legs you have. They not only let you walk around all day long everyday, but they also let you do super fun things like roller skate after 15 years, and dance and jump around to music like a crazy person. They are pretty badass body parts, for sure." I thought about how lucky I am to be healthy and able-bodied, and how even though I have some extra fat hanging out on my belly after two children (and less-than-stellar eating habits!), that's okay. I like my soft belly that carried my beautiful children, and my strong legs that let me run, dance, and jump. These are the parts of my body that I've probably disliked the most my entire adult life. It felt good to all of a sudden be thankful for them and recognize that they are beautiful even if they aren't "perfect".

I'm not magically "better" - but it was nice to have these few hours of fun and positivity. It was still hard to get out of bed this morning, but I'm feeling more like there is light at the end of the tunnel today. I can't say that there won't be anymore really bad days, but I'm sure thankful for yesterday being a good day.

It's Not Funny Anymore

There's kind of a running joke among my social circle about my negativity, my less-than-positive overreactions to high-stress ( and even low-stress) situations, and my somewhat gloomy and cynical outlook on life. I frequently post things on my personal Facebook along the lines of, "It's 7pm and I'm just leaving work. *dies*" (I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 desk job, just for some point of reference), as well as the occasional, "Traffic is so bad I want to kill myself." Let's not forget the ever-famous: "I hate children."

I affectionately say I'm going to murder people when they annoy me - rarely to their faces... my first response when something gets all snafu'd is to say I want to kill myself. On the rare occasion that I don't add a "*dies*" or "*stabstabstab*" to a typed-out vent, there are many who chime in on comments and add it for me. Today I got a picture of Eeyore. That's fine. (I love Eeyore.)

What's not fine is the very real depression that I'm suffering through right now. I realized the other day it's been over 6 months. I think I've been very for-real depressed since about May. Sure, there have been a few weeks here and there where I've felt more up. There have probably even been a few manic periods where I was very, VERY UP to the point where it almost seemed fake... because it was, but not because I was doing it on purpose - because it was false euphoria brought on by my awesome brain chemistry. I've had exactly two people express their concern to me regarding my mental state. Neither of those people were my spouse or even family members... I'll take that back, I think my dad sees it a little. Whereas for some it might be jarring or even slightly embarrassing to have someone say to you, "I don't think you're okay. I'm worried about you." - for me, I am already very aware. My only response was/is, "I'm worried about me, too."

I think I've probably been saying for about 3 months that I need to go back to counseling/therapy. I haven't done it. I haven't even looked into it. I'm honestly not sure that I can afford it. I'm sure there are other expenses that I could cut out in order to make it work and make the difference - but the stress of having to sit down with my budget and find where to make those cuts is entirely too overwhelming right now. I feel like it's just easier to drink a little more, sleep a little more, and continue to blog about how making healthier food choices and exercising regularly is "helping".

The problem is, I'm not consistently making healthier food choices nor am I consistently exercising, so it's not helping. It might be better than nothing, but it's not fixing anything and I'm fucking lying to myself and to you if I say that it is.

I'm completely guilty of this, but when someone says they're unsure how they can make it through the next x amount of days/weeks/months/whatever without a serious emotional breakdown -- please don't tell them to "be more positive" or "start with a positive base" or "you're setting yourself up to fail if you already think you're failing". Listen, I love and respect my husband very much - he is a wonderful person. He is very supportive of me in many, many ways in everything that he says and does. But he's not good at this depression thing. I know I'm hard to live with right now. I know I'm not really a lot of fun to be around and that it's probably a real pain in the ass to share a home and work environment with me, to have to deal with my doom and gloom all day long every day - but it's not a fucking picnic for me either, okay? I don't think he "gets it". I need to be able to say to him, "I think the upcoming busy season may kill me." and I need him to understand that that is a very real concern - I need him to understand that it's not funny for me anymore. It's not just a dramatized overreaction. I don't need the criticism and the speech about being more positive and making it through. I need someone to help me, because I'm not entirely sure I'm in a mental place where I can help myself right now.

Fucked up confession: I've been wishing so hard lately that I'll go to sleep and not wake up that the night before Christmas Eve (Christmas Eve Eve, as my baby sister calls it) I started freaking out that I might actually die and that, please God, don't let me die, don't believe me when I ask to not wake up, because it's almost Christmas and I want to see my kids' reactions to their gifts and get to watch Christmas movies with them, etc, etc. I was really scared, you guys.

Reading back over that makes me really sad. I get so angry with myself because it's just not that bad. I have a good life. I have a good job, a nice home, a good marriage, beautiful and healthy children, a great relationship with my family, wonderful friends, and very few financial stresses or concerns. I try so hard to count all those blessings every day. Every night in bed as I wait to fall asleep, I think about all those wonderful and important things that I have... and there are still nights that I hope I won't wake up in the morning. There's something really, incredibly wrong with that. At some point along the last few years, I forgot how to rejoice in my life. I don't know how to get it back.

Something has to change. I can't live my life like this anymore. I keep feeling like I might know what to do to make it better, but it feels like those changes are so far out of what is realistic for my life and my family right now that I just need to suck it up and get happy. I just don't know how to suck it up and get happy. I do know that I can't just keep pushing along acting like everything is going to magically be okay one day, not changing anything about my life, doing the same things day in and day out and thinking I'm going to get different emotional results.

Step 1: call a damn therapist by January 1st.

Another List

The last couple weeks I’ve had a lot bouncing around in my head. Things I want to be/do/accomplish. This isn’t the first time I’ve done a list like this. The difference with this one is that it’s more about taking care of myself, instead of putting pressure on myself to meet high standards.

These are some of those things:

• On workdays when Nolan gets up around 7, just get up at 7 instead of laying back down on the couch for 30-45 minutes. It’ll make me feel less rushed in the mornings, plus will probably make me much less groggy.
• Get back to meal planning to a) save money and b)make work-nights smoother and easier; create several weekly menus and rotate.
• Do some sort of exercise in the morning, whether that’s 15 minutes of yoga or going for a walk or run (if the weather is warm) – just get moving and do something aerobic-ish.
• Spend more time with myself; read, play music, blog, etc. – SCHEDULE IT!
• Meditate for 5 minutes every day. SCHEDULE IT!
• Work on a plan to move into the career path I really want and can be passionate about; put that plan into motion.
• Try to be more positive and count my blessings while making the best of my current situation.

The last few days I’ve had moments where I feel like I may finally be coming out of my depression a little bit, but unfortunately those usually end with an emotional crash and burn. I still am having far too many weepy times throughout the day where someone will say something or I’ll think of something that just makes me really sad. To be honest, the other night I was feeling a little manic. I was feeling very “high” – very up, very happy/giggly, I had trouble falling asleep, etc. but by the morning I was kind of down and groggy again. It’s definitely time to start hunting for a new counselor since the woman I used to see is no longer in private practice. This might help me get on track with other aspects of my life as well, help me to start working on my “career plan”.

I’ve had some random bursts of motivation and inspiration to get things done – like cleaning, organizing, etc. I’m going to continue to take advantage of those bursts as often as I can. I’ve completed 2 out of 3 workouts so far this week, and we are supposed to have some beautiful weather on Saturday during which I’m hoping I can get a run in. The exercise may be what’s been boosting my mood, too. All the more reason to do a little more of it!

If anyone is interested in the circuit training I’m doing, here’s the link: http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/workout/express/20-minute/bob-harper-circuit-workout/

Right now I’m only doing 2 sets, instead of 4. With warm-up and cool down/stretch it takes me roughly 30 minutes. According to my Polar HRM, I burn about 335-350 calories per workout. It keeps my heart rate pretty high. Definitely falls into the HIIT category.

Slow On The Uptake

Sorry that I've still been slow with posts! I have about 6 drafts floating around all about different things and I can't seem to wrap any of them to actually publish.

I'm going to go ahead and say this is a side-effect of my depression. I think that's a pretty accurate statement.

I'm still alive and still doing things, I'm just not posting about them currently because it's chaos inside my brain right now.

Please stick around, I promise I will get something up soon!

Fighting Failure

Today has been a day of feeling like an absolute failure...

I cooked cupcakes with my 2 year old. He was (surprisingly) super helpful and had a blast! But this then made me get sad and feel like I have totally failed my 8 year old because I never did anything fun like this with him when he was 2... then I decided to beat myself up a little bit for being young and stupid and selfish when he was little and always doing what I wanted and never making an effort to make things fun for him. Then I realized I rarely try to do fun things with my kids now and beat myself up a little more. Then I decided that because my youngest fell down at my in-laws last night and busted his bottom lip, has a giant swollen top lip, and displaced two teeth (which my dentist informed me may discolor to a grayish color over the next few days/couple weeks and just be that way until his permanent teeth come in) that this must mean I am a horrible mother for not watching him more closely. I'm even more horrible because I waited until this afternoon to call the dentist and ask what I should do about the displaced teeth, etc.

ps - there's nothing we can do, really. Only hope they are not displaced so much that it affects his bite (which I don't think they are).

On top of this, my oldest is going on a field trip to see a local ballet company perform The Nutcracker and he asked me to be a parent volunteer... AFTER we already signed the permission slip and didn't mark the volunteer box. His Friday classroom newsletter stated they already have their parent volunteers and don't need any others. So, I told him that perhaps he and I could have a "date" together and go see The Nutcracker on a weekend soon. Except that our weekends are booked solid through Christmas. ...not to mention tickets are incredibly expensive.

I'm hoping very much that a trip to the movies to see Frozen and a cheeseburger at a local chain restaurant will suffice as replacement.

...but it's not a good replacement in my head. I want to be able to take him to see The Nutcracker. I could make the time, I could cancel some of our other plans to make it happen... unfortunately that doesn't do anything about the financial issue. And that makes me depressed and feel like a failure because it's somehow my fault that our area has a high cost of living... which, it's obviously not. I have a good job, make a decent salary, and we do as well with our money as we can... but that doesn't change the fact that we just had to spend nearly $400 on car repairs last week, just took a trip out of town, and still have Christmas shopping to do. Not mention who knows what this dental visit for the baby will cost tomorrow!! (We don't have dental insurance.)

Everything is very overwhelming. I'm in a bad, bad headspace and I just really don't know that there's anything I can do at this point to pull out of it. I'm looking forward to the holiday, but am also somewhat dreading it knowing that my busy season at work will begin just week after the start of the new year, and it may put me into a very real and true mental breakdown.

I won't even get into the emotional ups and downs of my granddad's illness and hopeful recovery.

I am very lost. Maybe I need some Jesus in my life. 'Tis the season?

My disappearance!

Wow, I didn’t quite realize how long it had been since I updated! I’ve been sort of living on a different planet for the last 3 weeks. I kept up with my workouts like a champ until we left for Arkansas the Friday before Thanksgiving. While I packed workout clothes/shoes and my heart rate monitor, with every intention of doing some bodyweight circuit training during my visit to the south – that didn’t happen.

My last post before my trip stated that my grandfather was going to begin chemo for his lung cancer and hopefully all would be well… except that he wasn’t able to begin treatment. Until today. While, this is still good news, he has become very weak over the last few weeks and there is some concern that going through treatment may not have the outcome we hope for. We have a lot of trust in his oncologist and all we can do is pray… and pray, and pray, and pray.

I am incredibly grateful that my husband took a lot of the responsibility of entertaining our children every day of our trip so that I could go and spend at least a couple hours at the hospital each day, as well as incredibly grateful that I was able to visit at all. It was a rough 10 days, though. To say that it was a “great trip”, etc. would be a lie. It was a hard trip. It was emotional. And, to be very honest, I am not happy to be home in any way. To say that my car breaking down Thanksgiving evening (MY 15 MONTH OLD HONDA ODYSSEY!! Talk about a wtf moment…) was a blessing in disguise would be an understatement. I was almost relieved while at the same time so upset I wanted to cry and punch things. After lots of engine tests and the possibility of the engine needing to be replaced, it turns out it was just bad fuel. From Exxon. THANKS, EXXON. I’ve written to their customer service department and am hoping they will see fit to reimburse me for the $400 fuel flush that was required to stop my engine from misfiring constantly. If not, well, you might see my personal Facebook blowing up with an Exxon smear campaign.  …I digress… trip was bittersweet, car broke down, not happy to be home.. there’s the basic gist.

I will say that I’m happy to get back into my workouts, though. I should have done it last night, but I don’t travel well… meaning, I get highly emotional and kind of flip out whenever we return from a long trip. Sometimes even after short trips. I’m not really sure what this says about me other than maybe I don’t love my real life so much.

Speaking of which: one of my friends posted one of those inspirational memes on Facebook about a week ago that said something to the effect of, “If everything were exactly the same as it is today a year from now, would you be happy?” …and I immediately was thinking to myself, “Oh, hell no.”

There’s something wrong with that. I have some ideas of what needs to change, but I really have no clue how to put things into motion and I’m not entirely sure what I need to motivate me to make the changes I so desperately need to see in my life. I had a panic attack the other night for the first time in probably 18 months or more, which is a HUGE sign that something’s gotta give. So, there’s that. It’s really, I guess, just more of the same, ‘I’m so depressed’ crap that I’ve been writing about for a few months now. It might be time to seek out counseling again. Yay for therapy!

Okay, so to focus on some positives: now that I’m home I can dive back into my workouts, I can get back to getting my 5 servings of fruits/veggies in every day, and I get to sleep in my own bed. The weather is warm here today, so I’ll get to enjoy a walk on my lunch break, and because of my car trouble I only have to work a 2 day week this week.

I’m looking forward to hitting the grocery store this weekend and recommitting to healthier eating. I ate a lot of junk on my trip, and a lot of it was just because of convenience and not really because I wanted to eat it. I almost immediately felt my body’s reaction to it, and it was no bueno. This aside, however, I managed to do really well on calorie intake and stayed within my limit with the exception of maybe 2 days.

I’ll be taking pictures and measurements again this weekend, but I am not expecting any positive change since I haven’t been lifting for 2 weeks.

Stay tuned.