It's crucial for me to develop this love. My depression and anxiety are starting to get the very best of me and the only thing outside of prescription medication that really helps me stay in control is regular, vigorous exercise and a healthy mostly-whole-food diet. I've been doing SO much better on my eating and I'm thrilled with myself on that, and I see a huge difference in my depression with that - the anxiety? Not so much.
The anxiety is tricky. I spoke a little last week about how I am constantly worried I might die at any moment of a stroke or other such improbable attack. Sometimes exercise has a tendency to exacerbate this worry. All these things happen to your body when you exercise that don't always feel "normal"; high heart rate, profuse sweating, shortness of breath... these are all things you WANT to be happening while you're exercising, since that's kind of a sign that you're doing it correctly. These are also things that trigger my brain to alert my adrenaline that it better kick into high gear because... SURELY I'M DYING! This must be a STROKE! A HEART ATTACK! QUICK! DO SOMETHING!!
Obviously, my logical self is going, "Body, cut that shit out. It's just a little weight lifting. Really, you'll be okay. Really this will make you feel so much better in the long run." To which I get the response of, "LIES ALL LIES WE ARE DYING!!!"
So much fun.
Lately I can't stop thinking about how I never used to be this way. I never had panic attacks or high anxiety. Easily excitable? Yes. Panicky? Not so much. Unless it was called for. But certainly not panicky over some simple split-stance-romanian-dumbell-squats... okay, maybe "simple" isn't the best term there... but you get the drift. So now I'm wondering, do I need to throw some good old steady-pace cardio into the mix? Even though it's NOT part of this program? Is my heart maybe.. not as healthy as I think it is?
Mostly I'm just damn sure I need to quit smoking. It's so ridiculous.. most of the I'm-gonna-die anxiety comes from the inner-monologue of, "You know you shouldn't smoke and take birth control. You know that could make you have a stroke or a blood clot. You know how your fingers are feeling all tingly right now? That's probably because you smoke and take birth control and now you're gonna have a stroke." So you'd think - okay, what's the easiest solution here? QUIT SMOKING. I'm not one of those people that "nic fits". It is a purely social activity for me. I can easily go 4 or 5 days without a cigarette, but as soon as I go meet up with some smoker friends and they start smoking - well, I want one now. Now that you're smoking, I want to smoke too. It's also tied up in my idea of myself. Who I see myself as in my head. I see myself as a smoker. Who am I if I don't drink and I don't smoke? I think that's a big part of why I was so down during my pregnancy. I felt like I wasn't ME. I'm not saying that's the best me to be.. I'm just saying right now I feel like it's who I am and I kind of like that it's who I am. I enjoy being a smoker, I guess. Not so much the act of smoking - but being a smoker. I just need to figure out how to still feel like me, but without that. Might be something to bring up with my counselor!
Moving on...
So far so good on the exercise this week! 2 workouts completed so far and I'm even contemplating doing some yoga tonight (anything to help the anxiety). We'll see. Maybe I can even get Mike to do it with me.
In the meantime, here's yesterday's food:
4/04/2012:
- breakfast: cranberry flaxseed oatmeal w/ milk, almonds
- am snack: donut (damn donuts at the office... my husband may have to be murdered for that)
- lunch: Five Guys little cheeseburger w/ pickles, mushrooms, mustard, 1/2 order of fries (obviously not the healthiest option in the world, but I was having a craving)
- dinner: provolone w/ some olive oil and sea salt crackers, two squares of dark chocolate
- post workout: whey protein fruit shake
Total calories: 1,969
Calories burned: 500
Net calories: 1,469
One thing that my counselor has often suggested was going back to one of my childhood activities that used to make me happy. That would probably be stress relieving for you and would also develop another part of yourself that (hopefully) doesn't inlcude smoking or drinking...
ReplyDeleteI know it's expensive but what about horseback riding??
DeleteI've looked into it - it's actually not that expensive to take lessons, but it's the time commitment. It's definitely something I've considered though!
DeleteWhy don't you try to use the fear of dying to motivate you to achieve your fitness goals? Pay a hitman to kill you (or at least beat you up) if you skip your workout or smoke. You'll still be anxious, but you'll know exactly why, and you'll get your workout done.
ReplyDeleteOh, Adam.. I miss you.
Delete