Getting There/Changing Attitudes

This is me Monday night:

  

And some muscles, just for fun... look at my shoulders!!

I have no idea how much I weigh and I haven’t taken measurements in over 2 weeks – the last time I calculated body fat (also a couple weeks ago) I’d lost nearly 1% since March, putting me at 30.8% Estimated Body Fat. What I’m wearing isn’t incredibly flattering (especially the bra sweat), but my posture is getting so much better and everything is tightening up nicely. I can see a difference in my body, and I like it. I’m getting there – slowly, so very painfully slowly, but surely.

Here’s the weird part: I feel like I am epic failing in every aspect of my life lately, even though that is lightyears away from the truth and reality. The only goal for May that I haven’t accomplished is “Quit Smoking”. Everything else I’m succeeding in! I’m back on my lifting program (I even have Mike doing it with me now!) and I haven’t stepped on the scale since May 3^rd. I think getting away from the scale has been really healthy for me. It’s allowing me to focus so much more on my body composition changes, the fit of my clothing, feeling comfortable in my skin – the actual important stuff, instead of the bizarre fascination with one type of measurement. As far as the smoking… like I said last week, I’m not even trying. And I’m in this place of wondering if this is one of those things where it’s okay to give into the “I don’t wanna” for a while longer and let it all come naturally.

I also haven’t even attempted to cut back on my social drinking. Again, it’s the I-Don’t-Wannas. I keep thinking back to conversations about these things with my counselor last summer (who is no longer practicing anywhere I can find, and I feel like I NEED HER RIGHT NOW!!), and remembering her telling me to stop focusing so hard on things that aren’t real problems and trying to make them real problems. That I should just focus on being a healthy person emotionally and physically, and when I’m ready to not do something anymore I’ll know it and just… stop doing it.

Gee, that sure does seem logical, doesn’t it? Go figure.

I obviously can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for myself: I am in good health, I exercise regularly, and I eat my fruits and veggies like I’m supposed to (finally). I do eat junk food, but I try to stick with an 80/20 split between “clean” eating and “whatever I want to stuff my face with”. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s almost more important for me to focus on sleeping enough… if I could get a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep, I probably wouldn’t be on as much of a depression roller-coaster as I have been since Daylight Savings began.

…stupid Daylight Savings screwing up everybody’s body rhythms. I used to love you, DST!! You used to be good to me!!

Perhaps if I were getting enough sleep, my willpower and motivation levels would also be higher, hence leading to an easier time in breaking bad habits and controlling my vices – not to mention the other things I haven’t even mentioned such as: staying within my budget, getting back on track with meal planning, and keeping my house tidy.

It’s certainly something to think on. Unfortunately, it also takes willpower to make myself NOT stay up all hours of the night watching tv/drinking beer/smoking/hanging out with family and/or friends, and I seem to be severely lacking in this department currently. Once again, another blog post about all my “wishes” and needing to get my priorities straight and yet still having no progress and no answers!

Okay, that’s not entirely true. There I go again, dismissing my progress with my exercise and eating habits! We’ll call it Veruca Salt Syndrome. I want it ALL and I want it NOW. But that’s not how life works, is it folks? I guess it’s time to slow it down, stop bullying myself, be okay with where I am and really focus on the positives I’m continuing to accomplish and let those nasty automatic negative thoughts go back to their deep dark cave to rot.

Do you, Dear Readers, have a tendency to focus on the negatives and hang the positives out to dry? Do you sometimes make mountains out of molehills with your unhealthy habits?

Excuses, Excuses

I’ve mentioned once or twice about a couple friends who are currently “detoxing” from various things – whether that be smoking, drinking alcohol, junk-food, etc. I mentioned earlier this week that I had some serious thinking and prioritizing to do. I still do. I’m realizing more and more, though, that I make excuses for myself and I’m terrified to commit to anything with concrete boundaries. If you can’t bend the rules to make it work for the way I operate, than I’m not interested. I’m not sure if this is fear of failure, good old fashioned laziness, or fear of learning something about myself I’d just rather not know.

I keep thinking about doing my own little “detox”, but I keep finding reasons not to. For example, this is me: “Today I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work. I’m going out of town next weekend and will definitely want to go out for dinner and drinks… plus the long drive, I might need a cigarette to keep me awake. Hmm… okay, starting when I get back from out of town I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking!! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work either. My buddy’s birthday is coming up and I’m definitely going to want to drink some beers for that… and those are all my smoker friends, so I’m definitely going to want to smoke… hmm… okay, after THAT! 2 weeks! No smoking, no drinking! …oh. Wait. FOURTH OF JULY!! You can only celebrate freedom with BEER!! Okay, so – wait, no. Then vacation. Vacation with my in-laws. I may not survive vacation with my in-laws without beer. Also, it’s VACATION! HELLO!!”

…are we noticing a pattern here? Reading over that kind of makes me feel ooky. And by ooky, I mean, like, maybe I need to quit making beer such an important part of my social life.

I go back and forth with this. For example: I rarely drink to drunkenness. Getting drunk is not the purpose of my alcohol consumption. I like the taste of beer and wine and it also helps that its depressant effects act as a calming agent after a stressful workday or dealing with kid issues. I don’t drink every day, but rather 2-3 times a week and consume, on average, 2-3 drinks. There are definitely times where I will have more than that, but those times are few. I still responsibly take care of my children and go to my job like I’m supposed to…BUT… then when I think that I’m literally scared of the prospect of going for a few weeks without consuming a single alcoholic beverage because I couldn’t POSSIBLY attend any sort of social event without consuming ALCOHOL, I think: something is wrong here. If it’s not such a big deal and if I’m so responsible with it, then what’s the difference? Just drink a coke or something! Seriously. And that part kind of makes me hate myself a little bit and makes me feel like a giant hypocrite. It shouldn’t necessarily be about whether or not it’s a convenient time for me to do this – I need to just bite the bullet and make it happen. When I quit smoking in 2010 for a little while (gee, that stuck well, didn’t it?), I quit drinking for about 3 weeks in order help in that process. I still went out and had fun with my friends, I just drank soda instead of beer. It was no big deal except that everyone kept asking if I was pregnant! Lol

I’m not making any official announcement here or anything, as I know that the more pressure I put on myself the more likely I am to sabotage (see: Quit smoking goal for May), but this is something that’s in the works. So, Real Life Friends, if we go out and I’m drinking water or soda instead of beer, just leave it alone and let me do my thing.

The Month of Do-Overs!

I don’t know if it’s the proverbial “spring fever”, or what, but I seem to have taken a pretty massive fall off the fitness/eat-well wagon this month. First I had to mulligan my lifting program (which I now sort of have to do again just because I’ve decided to become a workday social butterfly), then I started just... not tracking half of what I would eat during the day, or forgetting to track everything but breakfast. I haven’t been eating very well. I totally quit planning dinner menus and shopping for those meals. I have been staying up much MUCH too late nearly every night, and though I’ve been walking more (yay cardio!) I’ve overall been pretty lazy about every other aspect of my life.

What happened??? Is this some kind of weird spring-time depression? Isn’t that sort of THE OPPOSITE of what spring is supposed to do for your mood?! *Googles*

…oh. Huh. Mayo Clinic says Seasonal Affective Disorder can happen in the Fall/Winter OR the Spring/Summer, just with slightly different symptoms. Weird.

Today is another Do-Over for me. Back to my lifting program, back to diligently tracking food, back to making the time to plan out what I’ll be cooking for dinners this week from what I already have stocked in the fridge/pantry.

I’ve had a lot of friends who have decided to do an overhaul of their bad habits and unhealthy lifestyle choices this month. It’s got me thinking a lot about myself and my vices and how I define myself by those vices. I’ve also found myself using the words “I wish” a lot lately. If wishes were fishes… but they aren’t. And there sure as hell isn’t some genie or fairy godmother or whatever-else-magical-mystical-creature-thing out there waiting to grant me all my wishes. I just need to commit to make the changes I am currently wishing for.

Some of the things on my “wish list” include:

1.       Quit smoking. FOR REALS. (I know I added this as a May goal, but I’m being honest with you: it ain’t happening thus far. I’m not even trying. NOT. EVEN. TRYING. It’s shameful.)

2.       Start looking forward to a Saturday morning workout instead of Friday night drinking.

3.       Make a chore schedule and just GET THAT SHIT DONE.

4.       Be diligent about meal planning and reign in the out of control grocery spending. (I have more to say on this in a minute.)

5.       Finish the damn Stronglifts program. It’s easy! It’s quick! IT WORKS! Just DO IT.

6.       Start running. Even if it’s just doing intervals for 15-20 minutes twice a week. Your heart will thank the hell out of you. Don’t feel like doing the run? Walk it out. Walking is just as, if not better, for you. Something tells me this may make it a lot easier to quit smoking as well.

I know I’m a big poo-pooer on cardio – because, honestly, if you’re ONLY going to do cardio and you’re going to do 1.5 - 2 hours (moderate to high intensity) or more of it a day, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Especially if you aren’t eating enough and/or enough of the right things (read: protein). Maintaining muscle mass is SO SO SO IMPORTANT. I can’t stress that enough. And if you’re doing a lifting routine that is legit circuit training, you’re getting the cardio and the strength in all at once. Almost every strength training program I’ve done or attempted to do was circuit training up until this point. I got my cardio in with my lifting and I’ve been spoiled. Stronglifts is about as opposite from circuit training as you can get, and I need to get some cardio in my life. Even if it means just walking – and that needs to be more than just 20 minutes on my lunch break a couple times a week (which is not to say this doesn’t count – it absolutely does). My body composition is changing like-whoa and I’ve lost another 1% of body fat since I did my last measurement at the end of March. That’s awesome and I’m proud of myself for that, but I also know that I could be working so much harder and not half-assing as much as I have been. I have some growing up to do and I need to really start thinking about what I want out of my life and getting my priorities straight just in general.

Now, speaking on the groceries: I’m not entirely sure if I’m being frivolous with my grocery money or if groceries have just gotten REALLY FREAKING EXPENSIVE. I’m thinking it’s a combo of both, but meal planning is going to save me money even if it’s just a few bucks and I need to get with it on that. Does anyone else feel like their grocery bills have skyrocketed lately even though you’re buying pretty much the same stuff you always have?

Mulligan

The bronchitis cleared up quicker than I thought it would, and I was able to get back to Stronglifts Monday of last week! I just started back at the beginning after nearly two weeks of no lifting thanks to schedule conflicts and sickness. Not too happy about it since I had planned it just perfectly to wrap my 12 weeks the Friday before we leave for the beach in July – now I’ll have that random rest week around week 10, which WILL be filled by a bodyweight workout substitute while we are beaching it up, but I didn’t really want to take a random rest week in there. Although, who knows? Maybe by the time I hit week 10 I’ll be happy for a rest week!

One thing I’m irritated with myself for: not completing all 3 training workouts last week. It was again a time/schedule issue. I did get plenty of cardio in with some laser tag action, but I still am feeling rather guilty about it. And on top of this I’m feeling totally fat. I don’t know if this is a hormonal deal or what, but I’m so over it. I keep bouncing back and forth between wanting to say “screw it” and just never exercising/calorie tracking again, and feeling like I should go crazy with the cardio to burn the extra calories just to shrink. I wish I liked cardio more. It definitely is something I feel I would benefit from doing more of – not just from a weight loss/fat loss standpoint, but just from a “hey, my heart will love me!” standpoint. Granted, I walk pretty regularly and run around with my kids and occasionally do things like go laser tagging, not to mention the running up and down the stairs while doing laundry, vacuuming, mopping, etc. while at home. These are all “cardio” activities. They count. But when I’m feeling “fluffy” and stalled, I immediately wish I could motivate to get up and go jog for 30 minutes in the mornings or evenings, or wish that doing some jumping jacks and high-knees could be fun for me. But, alas, these things are soooooooo boooooorrrring. My dad and I have been chatting about going to play tennis a few times a week in the evenings, but the weather here in Virginia has not been steadily warm enough to actually make this happen – plus I get to feeling a little guilty about this kind of stuff because then I feel like I’m not spending enough time with my children and husband… and then I feel more guilty because I feel like my husband can never can take his own health/exercise situation into consideration because he’s too busy supporting my attempt at a more active lifestyle.

Basically is all boils down to: life is hard. And it’s hard in the most stupid and First World ways. If we just lived NOT in modern society we wouldn’t have to exercise on purpose because our entire day would be filled with activity and manual labor. Plus there would be no junk food accessible for putting into my mouth.

…then again, there would also be no modern medicine… or tampons. These would be serious issues for me on a very real and understandable level.

I guess I will just continue to battle my mommy/wife guilt and do my best and stop trying to worry about the immediate result and focus more on the eventual result.

Maybe some of these feelings of fluffiness are stemming from last week being the first week of not stepping on the scale and maybe it is making me irritable. I wanna know. I WANT TO KNOW! But I’m not going to cheat on this. This is one thing I can just NOT cheat on… because obviously that whole “quit smoking” thing was a total joke, because I’m nowhere close. I’ve successfully cut back to “winter” smoker status in that I’m pretty much only smoking on the weekends or while drinking which equals not quite a pack a week… this is better than half a pack a day. But smoking is smoking regardless, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to just not do it. It’s like I’ll have to hermit myself away for a month with no socialization and no alcohol consumption in order to break the habit. Because that’s all it is: habit. There’s no physical addiction for me – it’s all about socialization and it feeling “fun” to smoke while having a drink.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

As you all may be able to tell, I’m in a bit of a negative place right now… this may have everything to do with not getting fully and for real back into my lifting routine which this may be adding to already-in-progress hormone craziness happening in my body as I come up on every girl’s favorite time of the month and this may also just be a totally legit feeling of frustration due to the overwhelming reality that is being your average 21^st century young working wife/mother. I’m just feeling a little jaded and guilty right now, I guess. And the only solution to that is to really think about it and figure what it is that’s bothering me and making me feel guilty and stop doing those things or change them in some way.

Looks like there may be yet even more personal revelation around the bend.

Stay tuned!

Oh, hello, May – where did YOU come from?

Official weight @ 04/26/2013: 189.8 lbs

And then: Official weight @ 5/3/2013: 190 lbs

I fully understand that it’s only .2 lbs, but I haven’t been able to exercise really at all (hence the lack of updates) for the last week and a half. My last workout was 4/24. I missed that Friday due to kids getting to bed late and general life-getting-in-the-way-ness. Saturday didn’t happen because my toddler refused to cooperate with his scheduled nap time. That night the hubby and I had plans to go out which I wasn’t willing to postpone or cancel for a workout. Monday night I went with my dad to see Gary Johnson speak in DC and didn’t get home until 10pm… Tuesday morning I woke up with a nasty case of bronchitis, which meant I could look forward to about a week (if not more) of no strenuous exercise thanks to my bronchial inflammation. So on top of all of this, I’ve been pretty diligent about my caloric intake ESPECIALLY since exercise hasn’t been happening for me… I would venture to say I may even run the risk of under-eating some days over the last couple weeks… and I reflect a .2 lbs gain.

GO HOME, SCALE, YOU’RE DRUNK!

I’m thinking about only weighing myself once a month in order to break this bipolar “I don’t need you – NO WAIT! I NEED YOU!” relationship I’ve been having with my scale lately. I mean, seriously, I just posted about how “I don’t care how much I weigh” because I know it’s always going to be right around the same number until I really start putting in the effort and dropping the fat… and, hell, even THEN it may STILL be the same damn number.

I’m feeling really good about the way I look, lately, and that is definitely what matters in the whole scheme of things. So, here we go, let’s just make it a goal:

Goals for May:

1. No weigh-ins until June 1^st
2. Get back on my lifting program (after I’m no longer sick, of course)
3. QUIT SMOKING

I used to blog about my smoking a lot (tracking how much I was smoking, etc.) and then I just sort of stopped. I obviously quit while I was pregnant with my youngest and I pretty much quit blogging at that time, too. I sort of reformatted once I started back up and that’s when I dropped the smoke-talk. I didn’t exactly plan to start back up after Nolan was born, but it happened. It would kind of come up here and there – like a couple months ago when I blogged about how I had almost completely quit and was smoking only a few cigarettes a week (down from a half pack to a pack a day). I kept pretty steadily with that “I’ll have one here and there” mentality… until the weather got nice. Spring/Summer is sometimes just the total bane of my fit/healthy existence, which seems totally bizarre. So I go from smoking, literally, maybe 4-5 cigarettes on a random Friday or Saturday night if I’m having drinks… to smoking half a pack a day again. Then I get bronchitis. Coincidence? I think not.

So now I’ve decided I need to just quit completely. A friend of mine is also quitting, so this way I can be healthier (and richer) while also supporting her in her efforts. It seems as good a time as any. I’m currently 3 days without a cigarette. However, this is not unusual for me, as I regularly will go days between cigarettes (especially if I’m not feeling well). Once we reach the 3 WEEK point? Then we’ll do a little happy dance. Tonight will be a major test as I’ll be drinking and visiting with one of my best friends who is currently visiting from out of town – and although there are a couple other smokers in the group, the majority of folks that will be at this gathering are non-smokers. Since I’m still hacking a lung from this bronchitis, I’m hoping it will be easy to avoid the urge to smoke. I’m trying to think of it this way: the more I smoke tonight, the longer it will take to get rid of the bronchitis, and the longer it will be until I can get back into my lifting routine – which of course means the longer it will be until I get my body looking the way I want it to.

Now to review April Goals:

1.  Keep active during rest week and start stage 2 of NROLFW
2. Get to bed at a decent time 7 days a week
3. Make more time for fitness with James

Number 1: we all know that I did a fairly decent job of taking walks and doing a couple other workouts during my rest week, but because it was well planned I feel like it didn’t go as well as I would have liked it, too – plus the emotional kick-back of not getting those lifting endorphins. I did start Stage 2 of New Rules and then promptly quit and began Stronglifts 5x5 instead. Now I’m on a forced sick rest. BOO.

Number 2: I am definitely getting better about not staying up until 3am nearly every weekend, but I haven’t improved quite as much as I would have liked to. I’ve rolled myself back about an hour, averaging about a 1:30am weekend bedtime… the flip-side of this is that I’m regularly staying up until midnight or later on work nights, as well. This means I’m keeping a similar circadian rhythm, BUT it also means I’ve gone from averaging close to 8 hours of sleep a night, to averaging closer to 6. No bueno. My priority, not just for this month, but here on out – is to shoot for 7 hours of sleep every night.

Number 3: This didn’t happen really at all, but not for lack of effort on my part. Now that the weather has warmed up James is outside playing with his friends daily. It’s not active/fitness time with ME, but it IS active/fitness time he’s getting that he wasn’t before. I’m taking this off the priority list for the time being. (ps – we did take a 2 mile walk together last week, during which he bitched and moaned the whole time.)

So that’s what’s going on with me. I’m still here, I’m still alive, I’m still taking lunch walks when I can and hoping to have a miraculous bronchial recovery and get back to lifting next week. How are you all of you doing out there in Reader Land? Does the warm weather bring up any bad habits for you? 

Can't weight (see what I did there?)

Official weight @ 04/19/2013: I have no idea

I didn’t weigh-in this week. Friday I just forgot, Saturday I didn’t want to because I drank a bunch of beer Friday night and knew I would show a lot of water weight, Sunday I forgot, etc. Then a funny thing occurred to me: I don’t really care how much I weigh right now.

Let me explain: I care how much I weigh – as in, I don’t want to gain back the nearly 30lbs I’ve lost by going back to old eating habits, not exercising, and being a lazy loaf. But I don’t care how much I weigh today, because I know that it’s somewhere around 190 lbs and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while.

I had some custom TDEG/macro numbers run for me last week by an MFP friend who’s currently working toward their Health Coach cert – and I’m not entirely sure I want to use them. I’m not entirely sure I want to eat at a deficit at all right now, actually. Since last Tuesday, I’ve done a couple intuitive eating days – with the same results as the first day: more carbs/sugar than I think I should need/want, under where I want to be on protein, but overall less hungry throughout the day. Maybe I should start listening to my body a little more. Or maybe I just have yet to break my sugar addiction. Maybe a little bit of both.

Announcement: I’m quitting New Rules. I’ve only done one workout of Stage 2 so far and I have a legitimate concern that I’m quickly reaching a point in the program where I really just don’t have and can’t currently afford the type of equipment the program calls for.

Second announcement: I started Stronglifts 5x5 last night. I think this is going to fit into my schedule a lot better than the 55-70 minute long NROLFW Stage 2 workouts. The 5x5’s take me roughly about 30 minutes with warm-up/cool-down. It only requires that I have a dumbbell and barbell set with a bench (2 of these 3 I already own, the 3^rd is soon-to-be-purchased as my belated birthday present), and it’s quick, simple, to the point – and is the routine Arnold Schwarzenegger followed when he was training for Olympic powerlifting. Not saying I want to be an Olympic power lifter… just want a simple, quick lifting routine that isn’t going to take up a massive chunk of my evening while still building strength.

I was worried yesterday that this could very well be my typical “I feel like nothing is working so I’m going to just switch up everything every couple months until I find the ‘magic’ trick that works overnight” routine… I tend to be hard on myself about this in particular, usually telling myself that I’m just “half-assing” my way through getting healthy. But then I realized last night, that it may just be that I get bored easily and so switching things up every couple months helps keep me motivated. And, y’know, if that’s what it takes for me to consistently be working out and continuing my strength training, then so be it!

And now for something completely different…

I spoke a little last week about the emotional downturn I took during my rest week. Those emotions continued to sabotage me all through last week and into this past weekend. What have I learned from this? I’m not sure that I’m the type of person that can take a legit “rest week” without having a replacement exercise routine in place. I told myself I would continue to be active during my rest week – and I did, for the most part. I took walks during my lunch break, I did a Jillian workout, I did a round of HIIT. But I was just sort of willy-nilly all over the place. And then I got really lazy. Lazy and a little depressed. I used my birthday as an excuse to not get my real workout in and then proceeded to schedule social activities for every other night of the week – which I think may have been subconsciously on-purpose (that’s a thing right? Lol). I made myself “too busy” to fit my workout in. Wednesday I managed to make it happen, but Friday I blew it (part of this was the time issue mentioned above – didn’t get home from work/mom’s until nearly 8pm, still had to get my kids to bed – who wants to start an over-hour-long workout at almost 9pm? Clue: NOT ME.). Saturday I had plenty of time, but chose to sit in front of the tv and nap most of the day. Sunday I figured, “Eh, tomorrow is Monday. I’ll just start fresh then.” and spent most of that day in front of the television as well. I don’t know what was up with me. I think part of it is not seeing the results I was expecting with weigh-ins and even with measurements to a certain extent (but I want a 28” waist nooooowwwwww!!). But I also know that I haven’t been putting in my full effort. “Half the effort yields half the results” – yup. So I guess I was emotionally punishing myself, which is ridiculous.

My main goal in this whole thing is to change the way I live my life. Forever. Not just for a few months to get “skinny”. That means it might take months or even years to figure out what will work best for me and what types of things will continually motivate me (such as switching up my workout routine every couple months!). Logically, rationally, I know this. Emotionally? I know this not at all! Emotionally I’m like, “Go ahead. Go ahead and starve yourself for a couple months and do massive amounts of cardio to burn all those calories and shrink down. THEN you can rebuild your lean mass and metabolism.”

NEGATIVE, STUPID EMOTIONS! I will not do those things! I will do this the good and right way! It may take me another 16 months to lose another 27 pounds, and THAT IS OKAY. (ps – I don’t think I WANT to lose another 27 lbs, maybe more like 15, but still.)

I know I had this big “I WILL reach my goal weight in 2013! I WILL reach my goal body fat percentage in 2013! I WILL make it all happen THIS YEAR!” speech a couple months ago… and that attitude is all well and good, except when it’s not and puts you in a place of constant negative- inner-monologue-ing for not reaching the expectations you set for yourself.

To end on a positive note (and NSV): Lately I’ve been getting the “You’ve lost so much weight!” “You’re looking so thin!” compliments from friends and family. Even my doctor told me at my appointment last week, “You must have lost 30 lbs since the last time I saw you!”. It’s nice to notice other people noticing my hard work – and it definitely helps me realize that the work is paying off, even when I might feel like it isn’t.

Slow progress and back on routine

I spent the majority of my rest week last week eating too much junk – and too much in general! This is definitely helping me come back around to this “eating well” with a little perspective. I’m looking at shooting for an 80/20 split on my food choices. 80% “clean”, and 20% “whatever I feel like”. With my TDEG (Total Daily Eating Goal) estimated around 2200, this means I can either eat up to 450 calories daily of my “whatever” food, or save those up for the weekends to splurge on eating out or drinks or what-have-you. Eating a bunch of processing junk all the time makes me feel like crap. I’m pretty excited about doing some grocery shopping this weekend for lots of fresh fruits and veggies to keep cut up and stored in my fridge for snacking.

In other food news: I sort of inadvertently ate intuitively all day Tuesday… and I stayed within my calorie goal range for the first time in nearly a month. I did, however, eat more carbs/sugar than I would have preferred… and not nearly the amount of protein I normally get, but at least I didn’t feel like I was starving all damn day and didn’t go to bed hungry and didn’t wake up ravenous. Something to think on a little bit.

Now, a confession: I didn’t do my first Stage 2 NROLFW workout until last night…

Monday was my birthday (I should have known better than to make this my “start” day lol), and Tuesday, honestly, I was just being lazy. The last few days of my rest week I started to feel the emotional effects of being out of “routine”. I was still somewhat active during my rest week, but definitely not putting in the effort that I normally would while lifting. I had serious junk-food bloat happening in my belly, like, to the point where some of pants weren’t fitting so well. Plus I felt like I had gotten super flabby (I didn’t. I haven’t. Body dysmorphia, anyone?).

Well, I got my workout in last night even amongst the craziness that was my children and oh.my.god. What a difference! Not only in my emotional state, but I seriously felt like my body went from mushy to muscles after just one 45 minute workout. I’m sure some of that is completely psychosomatic, but I don’t care. Bonus: my pants fit normally today. So glad to be back at it. So far not feeling too sore… but I’m sure it’s coming. Some of the stuff in Stage 2 is pretty crucial. Fact: One-point dumbbell row, MUCH HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. Also – planks are owie.

I know I need to post strength gains from Stage 1, I keep forgetting and I apologize for that. I also never took any official “after” pictures, except the “sexy belly” shots I put up last week… so that’s all I’ve got to go off of. I’ll do pictures for beginning of Stage 2 soon. However, I do have some measurements for you guys:

Measurements @ 4/13/2013 (changes in blue - previous measurements taken 3/10/13)

Estimated Body Fat: 33.28% / 31.6%

Chest (across bust in sports bra): 38" / 38.5”

Bicep: 12" / 13”

Waist: 33.5" / 32.75”

Waist at naval: 36” / 35.5”

Hips: 44.5" / 44.25”

Thigh: 26” - no change

Change is happening slowly but surely! 1” GAIN on my bicep – that’s pretty freaking incredible. Would also explain the nearly 2 point drop in BF%! Finally seeing a little bit coming off the hips, and I'm still impressed with my consistent losses in my waist. I'll take it! :)

Time for some sort of overhaul...?

Official weight @ 4/12/2013: 191.4 lbs

This time I have no junk food excuse. I ate reasonably well yesterday with the exception of a delicious ice cream treat that cost me 400 calories… but I was okay with that. However, I think my weekly average on calories has gotten out of control. Two weeks ago when I saw my first real loss of this entire year, I averaged about 2200 calories/day, plus was doing my lifting and remained pretty active outside of lifting that week. The week before that I think I had averaged closer to 2000. Well, this has been my rest week… and I’ve averaged (so far, we haven’t even gotten to birthday celebrations yet!!) closer to 2500. Granted, many folks on lifting programs will eat at maintenance during their rest weeks, but I hadn’t really intended on doing that… I’m pretty sure it’s just been complete and total lack of willpower.

I’m feeling really unsure on how to proceed on this. Part of me thinks I need to stop worrying about it so much and quit actively tracking throughout the day for a couple weeks and just kind of eat what I’m hungry for. Then, at the end of the day, I can go ahead and put it into my diary and see what I’m intuitively averaging and move from there.

Another part of me is thinking since I can’t seem to get my calories under control, I need to just workout 3-5 days a week instead of 2-3. Yes, I get some walking in during the week (and am all over the place on the weekend walking, running after children, climbing stairs, etc.) – but maybe I need to just take the time to actually do a WORKOUT on my non-lift days. I’m thinking about incorporating Jillian’s Ripped in 30 and doing that on off days… although I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m terrified since that might mean overworking certain muscles…. BUT, I can always sort of skim the more strength-oriented parts and focus mostly on the cardio aspect. I need to reread this portion of the book, but I want to say that New Rules has you do HIIT sessions during Stage 2… that might take care of it. We’ll see.

I am just really super confused right now. I’m starving all the time yet eating like a normal person, I’m more active than I’ve been in a loooong time, my body shape is completely changing and yet the scale has barely budged, and my measurements are only barely changing – although I haven’t taken officially measurements in a WHILE. That will happen tomorrow, most likely.

I would like to lose at least another 10 lbs. I can be totally happy at 180 with awesome lady muscles and easily wearing a 12/14. Seriously! I just feel like 190 is still “too heavy”. And maybe that is just a messed up place for me to be mentally/emotionally. Maybe I need to just stop being such a whiney baby and suck it up and stick to my calorie cut and cleaner eating and add the dreaded cardio into my routine. I get really discouraged sometime because I feel like I still have so much fat in my mid-section to lose… I’ll be really impressed with myself (see: sexy belly pictures), and then I’ll have these weeks where all I can seems to focus on is that little bit of mommy-pooch still happening, the little bit of back-fat that still pokes from under my bra, the squishiness on my hips… and then realizing that even though I’ve lost 5% (or more) of my body fat since January, but at over 30%, this still puts me into an obese category.

Fun fact: on the body fat percentage chart, there is no “overweight” – you are either “above average” or you’re “obese”. How’s THAT for the self-esteem? Another fun fact: even skinny people can have an obese body fat percentage. Hence, weight lifting.

This “rest” week has just been really rough for my body-image and self-esteem. I feel “squishy” and lazy (even though I’m still DOING stuff – just not LIFTING stuff) and maybe that is just transferring into some emotional eating and that’s why I feel like I’m starving all the time and can’t keep my calories in check. It’s all just a roller-coaster, I guess. And chances are I will probably continue to have days or weeks where I feel this way even after I’ve reach goal weight/goal BF%... and so maybe it just boils down to being okay with feeling this way, as long as it’s not perpetual.

Thank you for reading today’s edition of “Jessica Makes A Personal Revelation”. Please tune in next week for episode 3! Lol

Weekly weigh-in and a rest week!

Official weight @ 4/7/13: 190.2 lbs

I forgot to weigh-in on Friday morning, ate a bunch of junk (read: sodium) during the day, and then came in at 190.8 Saturday morning. Saturday I drank more water, but followed it with cheese friends a lot of beer Saturday night – but reflected a half pound difference Sunday morning which is what is reflected here. I think all of this “gain” was nothing more than water-weight. I also did my final “bonus” workout for NROLFW Saturday morning and my muscles were mucho sore so I know I was definitely still retaining water on top of the sodium/beer overload.

I haven’t redone measurements officially yet. I will do that at the end of this week before starting Stage 2 next Monday, BUT after reflecting a 1.5 lb gain on the scale I decided to just measure my waist to make myself feel a little better… and even with the sodium bloat going on, my waist showed a 1” loss! Super excited about that.

I also had a major NSV this weekend – I bought a pair of Gap “boyfriend” jeans… wait for it… in a size 14!! I add the “boyfriend” in there because this particular style is a little looser than their standard boot-cut jean – but it still made me feel HELLA good. I’m also noticing a major difference in my face and my arms are slimmer/shapelier, as well. No chicken wing jiggle!

So this week is my rest week from lifting before moving into Stage 2 of New Rules. My goal was to stay active with some HIIT, yoga, walks, etc. That’s all well and good. So Monday night I did an HIIT workout from FitnessBlender.com (LOVE THIS SITE!!!)… it was only 15 minutes. Then I did a 5 minute cool-down, which mostly consisted of walking around my house. It was sooooo borrrrrriiiinnnnggggg. I hate cardio so much, and this was especially boring because I had invited Mike to do it with me (thinking it would relieve some of his stress from work – it didn’t – more on this in a minute)… so instead of popping in some earbuds and queuing up my “Workout time!” playlist, I just watched the video for the workout and jumped around a lot.. in silence.. while my husband secretly shot me hate-looks… and then quit halfway through because it “wasn’t helping”.

Mike has been so supremely stressed out for about a month now. It’s really taking a strain on our relationship - not in that we are growing apart but more that we get almost no time together even though we are both home at the same times. He’s usually up in our home office working, while I’m downstairs taking care of the normal every day household chores. Even though my workload at home has increased (while work at the office is not really decreasing in any way yet), I feel like I’ve maintained ridiculously well. I’m finding that I’m more organized, more motivated, and a little harder on myself when it comes to making sure I get chores done. I find I am rarely accepting the “I don’t wanna” from myself anymore – this is both good and bad. Good because a lot of the time when I get a case of the I-don’t-wanna’s it is completely unwarranted and someone should just kick my butt and make me empty the damn dishwasher and clean the kitchen. Bad because I think I’m starting to take it a step too far and not allowing myself enough sit-down-and-relax time. This will eventually catch up with me and probably lead me into a downward spiral of tears and it’s-not-fair’s. I’m going to try to center a little bit and plan in some downtime for myself…  after all, it’s occasionally okay to let the dishes wait. I just have to keep telling myself my husband won’t have to work like this forever, and I’ll eventually have my partner back in all aspects of life, from hang-out buddy to chore sharer.

Speaking of my sudden propensity for organization and planning - some other NSV’s for this month so far: I successfully planned dinners for 2 weeks, as well as planned lunches for James for this week. A different something every day so he doesn’t get bored! I’m pretty proud of myself. Now… if only I could get my own breakfast situation in order. Some days I do really well and make the time to make a homemade egg mcmuffin (sans ham), and other days I’m scrambling out the door barely remembering to grab a yogurt. One thing at a time, though, right? I’ve also been making a conscious effort to run at least one load of laundry a day so I can stay caught up. I’ve been pretty successful with this, although there have been one or two days where it hasn’t gotten done. That’s okay.

I came to the realization the other day that I may actually be accepting the fact that I’m a Real Live Adult now. Not only accepting, but enjoying. I feel like I’m finally coming into my own a little bit and feeling comfortable not only in my body, but also in who I am as a person. I don’t find myself caring quite as much about what other people think of me – or even whether or not they like me. I’m happy with myself. I think I always thought I was happy with myself in the past, but this is so much more real. Seems like a strange way to put it, I guess, but it’s the best way I can describe it.

Tonight I’m headed over to a friend’s for Girls Night where there will be much chips and dips to partake in (not to mention drinks!), but I’m not really going to stress on tracking calories. This will definitely be a splurge day, and I’m looking forward to filling it with guacamole, taquitos, and salsa! YUM!! Those things are mostly healthy, right? ;)

April? Already?!

I can’t believe how quickly this year is going by. It’s hard to remember how fast it’s going sometimes, especially when every day at work feels like it’s never going to end. Yes, yes.. I’m complaining about work again. It’s okay. Just a few more weeks of the insanity… just a few. More. Weeks.

Official weight @ 3/29/13: 189.2 lbs

Another loss! I’m pretty satisfied with it. I’ll take .8 lbs a week. Nooo problem. Let’s just keep it up!

I wrapped my final workout of Stage 1 for New Rules of Lifting for Women last night. I’m very impressed with my body composition changes over these last 6 weeks! So much so that I’ve taken to regularly snapping what I like to call “sexy belly” pictures. Behold:

 

and some muscles, too:

Nice, huh?! I still have a little bit of the "mommy pooch" happening, but overall I can see a HUGE difference.

I have two “bonus” workouts that will test my strength increases over the last 6 weeks. I’ll be completing those Wednesday and Friday nights, then begins my rest week before starting Stage 2. It’s going to be really weird taking a rest week from lifting, but I’m hoping to keep in my habit of exercise by filling in my lifting workout timeframe with some HIIT, walks, yoga, or some other non-lifting activity. I’ve considered also eating at maintenance during my rest week, but I feel like I’ve almost been doing that everyday anyway, so there may be no reason to specifically try and track it that way.

Okay, so let’s review goals for March:

1.       Finish Stage 1 of NROLFW – DONE! Technically I finished first day in April… but I’m okay with it.

2.       Make morning yoga a routine – I think I did this once since the end of February… sleep has just been so much more important lately. More on this in a moment.

3.       Stick to a consistent sleep schedule – doing this for the most part, however instead of making my weekends fit my weekday schedule, I’ve more been staying up later during the week only without the sleeping-in part that the weekends occasionally afford me. :-\

Also priorities:

·         Plan meals/shop for menu – hasn’t happened once. I’ve just sort of inadvertently cooking the same 4 or 5 meals a week… it’s getting old. Need to get on this. This will remain a priority of April.

·         More reading, less TV – NOPE! Also remaining a priority for April.

·         Be more present in my life (aka: put down the iphone) – getting much better about this! Also remaining on the list for one more month.

So, priorities will stay the same for this month. I think one of the most important goals is going to be getting on top of sleep. I may need to scale back my lifting to 2 days a week once I start Stage 2 of New Rules. One of the big changes the book says to watch out for and that could be a sign of overtraining (with weights) is disruption in sleep patterns – whether that means insomnia or feeling fatigued all the time. I definitely am feeling just exhausted and like I can’t catch-up on sleep most days. Keep in mind I’m regularly getting between 7 and 8 hours of sleep a night, with the exception of maybe Friday or Saturday night which is averaging around the 6 hour mark. Part of it I’m sure is the lack of consistency in my sleep schedule to begin with, but I’m really feeling like “needing” 10 hours of sleep a night is just… not right. It could also very well be that I’m just going to bed and waking up at the “wrong” times according to my circadian rhythm. Sometimes I think, how weird would it be if I’ve gone my whole life thinking I’m a “night owl”, when, in fact, I’m actually a morning person? I’m going to do some research and see if there’s a way to determine what one’s natural sleep/wake cycle is supposed to be… this may mean going to bed when I actually am first getting tired one Friday or Saturday night – god forbid! lol

So ever since I decided to do yoga with James he now begs me to “do a workout” almost every night. I feel bad on the nights that I lift because there’s not really space in our basement for the both of us to be down there, not to mention that 7 is way too young to do any type of strength training aside from normal body weight type stuff (which, of course, he isn’t interested in). He doesn’t really pay much attention during yoga and spends most of the session just throwing himself/rolling around on the floor and goofing off (not unlike how he spends most of judo class), which is quite irritating since I’m doing the yoga for the relaxation aspect… nothing relaxing about a 7 year old jumping all over the place “trying” to do mountain pose. In case you aren’t familiar with yoga: Mountain pose consists of nothing more than standing with your feet shoulder distance apart and “grounding” yourself in your breath. Occasionally we will do what James calls “fun warm-ups”, which consists of roughly 30 seconds of jumping jacks, 2 or 3 half-assed push-ups, and 10-15 minutes of dancing however one may please to music of James’ choosing (usually Party Rock Anthem played on repeat… please kill me). It’s not a bad workout when you consider it’s devised by a little kid, but I’ve been looking into exercise DVDs specifically geared toward kids. I’ve found a couple things on Amazon – a yoga DVD, a dance DVD, and then a general fitness DVD which covers everything from stretching to cardio to resistance (using body weight) and wraps up with a little yoga as a cool-down. It sounds pretty well rounded and I think I may start there. I’m super excited at how interested he seems to be in keeping active, but some days I think it’s better for both of us to do our own thing instead of me trying to do one of my workouts with him or him instructing me in some “fun warm-ups”.  That being said, I also need to make more time for he and I to do fit stuff together – take a walk, do a dvd, do Fun Warm-ups, or what-have-you – instead of one 20 mins twice a week when I’m going to be doing yoga to stretch out my sore muscles anyway.

Keeping sleep issues and James inclusive fitness in mind, new goals for April will be:

1. Keep active during rest week/Begin Stage 2 of NROLFW
2. Get to bed at a decent time 7 days/week
3. Make more time for fitness with James

What are your goals for April? :)

All Apologies

I feel like I'm doing this every other week... but I'm sorry I haven't been posting regularly. There is so much going on in my life right now and sometimes the idea of sitting down and trying to compose a coherent blog post is about the most unappealing thing in the world to me.

Positive things: I am feeling really good about this lifting program. I have 3 more workouts left and then I'm done with Stage 1. This will put my final Stage 1 workout on April 1st. I'll take a rest week before moving into Stage 2, starting April 8th. I will probably also eat at maintenance (on purpose) during that rest week, and then go back to TDEE minus 15-20% once I start Stage 2.

Probably the absolute best thing about getting back into lifting is that I really look forward to my workouts. Now that I'm reaching the end of Stage 1, I've upped sets and the workouts take me a bit longer than the 25 minutes I started with. I'm averaging about 45 mins per workout, and it's no trouble at all for me to "make time" for it. Even though today I'm feeling super tired (and slightly hungover, if I'm being honest), I cannot WAIT to do my lifts tonight and dance around to my "gym" playlist during my rests!

Official Loss?

Official weight @ 03/11/2013: 194.4 lbs

...wait for it....

Official weight @ 3/15/2013: 190 lbs. Even.

Shocking isn't it?

I was pretty shocked, myself. But then I remembered I lifted on Sunday night – the night before weigh-in. There’s lots of stuff out there that talks about water retention in the muscles after strength training, whether that be lifting or body-weight exercise, but I guess I never really thought it could make THAT big of a difference. Until now. Holy moley!

Okay, but here’s the most exciting part: I’ve been in a plateau since early January hanging out between 191 and 192 – the lowest I hit was 190.8 for ONE weigh-in in February. But my body’s favorite weight over the last 10 weeks was 191.2 exactly – week after week. But this morning that beautiful “190.0” popped up on my scale. I stepped on and off the scale about four times… just to be sure. And it stayed.

I am counting this as my first REAL loss of 2013. A) because it’s the lowest I’ve been since January 11th, and B) because this number showed up even after drinking barely any water yesterday, eating more processed food that is ever necessary, AND drinking 3 glasses of wine.

This will probably jinx it, but: I believe I may have finally broken through my weight plateau. I absolutely attribute this to being more diligent on my calories the last two weeks and staying in my 1900-2100 range most days as well as paying closer attention to my macros (protein, protein, protein!). I have also added lots more whole foods and organic into my diet, which is probably always a smart move.

I redid measurements this morning as well. Here we go:

Measurements @ 3/10/2013 (changes in blue)

Estimated Body Fat: 33.6% / 33.28%

Chest (across bust in sports bra): 38" 

Bicep: 12"

Waist: 33.5"

Waist at naval: 36.5" / 36"

Hips: 44.5"

Thigh: 26.5" / 26"

Very slow change happening, I am glad that my BF% went down even if it was only by 0.3%. I definitely feel like I’m seeing the changes more in the mirror right now, which is totally okay. I’m pretty excited to take some more pictures this weekend!

I’ve officially completed the first half (4 weeks) of NROLFW Stage 1. I have 8 more workouts to go! I’m feeling really good about this program. I’m definitely gaining strength – I’ve gone from using 8lb dumbbells and bodyweight to using 10-15lb dumbbells on everything except pushups! But I will say I’ve progressed from doing wall push-ups, to “girl” pushups. I’m hoping by the end of Stage 1 I can do a real push-up! What this means: for arm exercises I’ve gone from lifting 8 lbs to 15 lbs/for leg exercises I’ve gone from bodyweight (squats/step-ups) to 20lbs, and for deadlifts from 16lbs to 30lbs. I’ve almost doubled in everything, which I’m pretty damn excited about. I am very much going to need a barbell set soon! My dumbbell set only goes up to 25lbs. And let’s face it, dumbbells can be pretty unwieldy once you get heavier than 30-40 lbs for most exercises.

I definitely had some down days this last week. Work has been incredibly stressful and it’s kind of pulled everything else going on in my life down with it. It’s been hard to stay positive on my progress, but a blessing in disguise came yesterday when Nolan was running a high fever. It meant I got to stay home with the baby for the day and not deal with anything work related. Even though he was fussy and clingy most of the day, to the point where I couldn’t even go to the bathroom by myself – it was wonderful to be able to just hold him and snuggle him and take a nap together. It was nice that he needed me and I was actually able to meet his needs. It was demanding, but in a completely different way. And it is exactly what I needed.

I woke up in a much more positive place this morning, and my “cheat” weigh-in definitely helped perpetuate that positivity. Sometimes I still feel pretty low about the scale meaning so much to me… but I feel pretty secure that once I reach goal body fat – or close to it – that number on the scale won’t matter anymore.

!!

Sorry, guys, I just can't seem to get it together this week with a post!

Busy season at work is FINALLY about to wrap, so soon my stress level will be a little lower and I'll be a little more functional as far as drafting once I get home in the evenings, etc.

Been in the process of drafting a new post since MONDAY - hoping to get it up sometime today.

Thanks for your patience and, as always... Stay tuned!

Weigh-in and March Goals!

Official weight @ 3/05/2013: 191.8 lbs

Still maintaining strong, folks! Hey, at least I'm not gaining right? Yeah, that mantra isn't really doing it for me anymore either.

I was out of town this past weekend so I didn't have the opportunity to take measurements. That will happen this weekend.

I took some "beginning" photos for NROLFW... well, one. I got distracted and didn't get the side shot. Enjoy:

Looking at this.. compared to this:

I am definitely feeling okay with my weight loss and body changes so far!! Anyone else find it bizarre that my face is totally the same regardless of the nearly 30 lbs difference? lol

My goals for February were:

1. Break the fast-food habit
2. Finish 30 Day Shred/Start a new program
3. Do yoga with James at least once

I am happy to report that I was mostly successful in all of my goals this month. My fast-food intake has come way down. Mike and have instated a new rule that we only go out for lunch on Mondays and Fridays. This a) saves lots of money, and b) saves our health. I didn't do the last 4 days of 30 Day Shred, but I'm okay with that as I went straight into New Rules of Lifting for Women (NROLFW) and am occasionally adding some HIIT to that. I did yoga with James, as well!! Plus we did other exercising together a few other times. He really enjoys it and that makes me really happy.

New goals for March:

1. Wrap up Stage 1 of NROLFW (9 workouts to go!)
2. Make morning yoga a regular routine (I've been doing this as a "rest" day activity in the evenings, but it really helps jumpstart my day the few times I've done it in the morning)
3. Stick to consistent sleep schedule (this means trying to go to bed and wake up at around the same time on the weekends as I do during the workweek)

These all seem pretty reasonable to me.

One thing I really noticed this past week is how much more positive my body image has become. I still have "fat" days, and times where I don't like the way certain clothes fit or feel, but overall I am really loving my body. It makes it so much easier to want to take care of my body now, too. The one thing I still struggle with loving is my belly. I gained a lot of belly fat just before and even during my last pregnancy. This is always the last place fat wants to vacate, so that doesn't really help matters. I also think part of the reason my belly doesn't look the way I want it to is because I had a baby... y'know... just over a year ago. Skin gets stretched out. Shit happens. Maybe I just haven't reached my "bounce back" point yet. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll need a tummy tuck. Who knows! ...I honestly don't think I would ever get a tummy tuck. Because I'm a big scaredy baby when it comes to surgery and/or general anesthesia. Hopefully weight lifting will allow me to get my stomach looking somewhat less stretched out and "normal" again. We'll see. In the meantime...

..."they" all say abs start in the kitchen, and this is true. I need to reign in and watch my macros more closely, as well as reign in the calories. I've been eating right around maintenance for the last month, maybe a little longer - this is showing on the scale. I need to steadily be eating between 1900-2100 calories without eating back exercise calories. This is my biggest crux. I need to just stop logging exercise calories. MyFitnessPal allows you to log exercises and assign them with a specified calorie burn - for example: I can log my NROLFW Workout A as being a 1 or 2 value in calorie burn. I did this for a couple days and then.. stopped. For some reason. Probably because I didn't want to be real with myself and admit and face the fact that I was continuing to eat at maintenance when I know in order to continue losing weight/fat and slimming down I need to be eating at a TDEE deficit. It's all good. I'm getting there. And, honestly, it may just be one of these things where I'm just going to be in a "I don't wanna" phase for a month or two and then will snap out of it. I'm allowed that. It's all a process, and if I start harping on myself I'll just end up quitting altogether, which obviously doesn't accomplish anything. However, it is good to know that I can maintain when I get to that point. Bonus points!

A little taste of life

Man, what a fuckin’ week, dudes. What a week. I feel like I’ve dealt with so much ugliness from so many different directions this week between work and personal, even just dealings with random strangers while runningerrands, etc. Maybe this is my punishment for managing to avoid actual high school? (Since I was homechooled and all…) It just feels like there’s been a lot of unnecessary drama, some of which I even instigated. Makes me feel real grown-uplike… NOT.

Honestly, I don’t think we ever really leave high school. College is just one big high school with no parents and teachers who don’t haveto be responsible for your idiocy. Work is just one big high school where thereis no supervision of any kind from a personal standpoint and people are allowed to just run rampant with their pettiness and meanness with little consequence, creating little cliques in the name of office “politics”. Social media just promotes all of this, of course. In all facets of life. I would be lying if I said I didn’t take part of any of these facets, but I can honestly say that I try really hard not to. Our immaturity and insecurity and passion sometimes get in the way of our adulthood and get the best of us.

All this crap that was happening this week got me thinking about my young(er) adulthood. I had a lot of drama in my life.. It took me a long time (probably much too long) to realize that this “exciting” stuff going on in my life that made for excellent story-telling, regularly took me to a dark place of wanting to isolate and regular impulsive decision making. The amount of “friend drama” going on in my life was taking a bitter, bitter toll on my marriage and affecting my ability to focus energy on my child (there was only the one at the time). Then I got pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy made me incredibly depressed. Like to the point where I had to start counseling at the end of my second trimester. There were a few different factors here, but mostly it was because I lost a lot of who I felt I was with the pregnancy. I felt like I couldn’t be as social, I couldn’t go as many places, I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t smoke (or even really be around it for the most part, as the smell made me feel nauseous), I couldn’t stay up late, I couldn’t eat certain things, etc, etc. On top of that i struggled with feeling like these were stupid things to define "who I am", and the self-loathing that and negative inner-monologue that followed definitely got the best of me. I feel like a lot of my friendships ended because I couldn't or wouldn't participate in my "usual" social interaction. Some of them I "feel" like I lost, and some of them I legitimately did lose. But I think this ended up being a giant blessing in disguise. I got rid of a lot of toxicity in my life, and I was finally able to focus on my own issues instead of everyone else’s and really grow as a person. And, of course, that depressing pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby boy who brings me joy (and anguish lol) every day and is an amazing addition to our family.

There is much to say for being in a place of well thought-out planning and healthy relationships not only with others, but with myself. It's much more exciting than the the constant drama.  It’s exciting because it makes it a billion times easier to feel happy and actually be happy. It’s exciting because it allows me to build better bonds with the people and activities in my life that are important. It makes me a helluva lot more productive during my workday. But mostmostmost importantly: it allowed me to be happier and more present in my marriage and to repair and build a better relationship with my husband, as well as having the emotional energy for my kids and all they require.

The amount of maturing I’ve done in the last 2 years is a little frightening. Sometimes I barely recognize myself – but not because I’m lost in this “new” me, it’s because I have successfully changed almost all of the things I disliked about myself. Unfortunately, a side-effect of this is that some of those things you don’t like about yourself, other people like the best. Once you don’t behave in a certain way or agree with certain ways of thinking or certain behaviors, those people don’t want to be around you as much anymore and stop inviting you to hang out.

I can happily say I’m reaching a point where I’m okay with this. Sometimes my feelings still get hurt. Sometimes I have to remember that playground mantra of “sticks and stones” – but overall I am a better, happier, stronger, healthier person/wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend. I am proud of myself. I even LIKE myself. For me, there is nothing more freeing. I don’t need to depend on others to like me or praise me or desire me in order to feel good about myself anymore.

p.s.

I'm in the process of drafting a weigh-in and NROLFW update, but this life victory needed to come first. Fuck the NSV's... I've become a victor at life, and that's more important than any body measurement. 

The Next Steps

I spoke too soon, folks. I said I would be starting my strength training and continue to wrap-up 30DS. I lied. I did it one day. It's too much. And it took me nearly an hour, which is time I don't always have. That was one reason I was able to stick with 30DS so regularly and consistently - 20-25 minutes. I have or can make time for 30 mins a day. No problem. An hour? Not so much. Not to mention I was bored with it and unimpressed with my results from the final two levels. That sort of makes it easier to just.. stop doing something. lol

So this is what I'm doing: New Rules of Lifting for Women (NROLFW) Stage 1, workouts A/B, followed by 10-15 minutes of HIIT intervals. Total time this takes me is roughly 30-35 minutes. I will be doing NROLFW 3 days a week - if I can't always fit in the HIIT, I'm not worried about it. I am definitely starting lunch-break walks when the weather starts to warm up, which should be SOON!!! March is almost here, folks!! With the yoga, my current goal is to do at least 2-3 repetitions (roughly 10-15 mins) of sun salutations on the weekday mornings that I get up with the baby (at 6:30am - ugh - Mike and I switch off on who gets up) - this will give me a little boost for the day and help relieve some of the muscle tightness happening from my lifting. On my rest days I'd like to get in a full yoga workout, probably 30-40 minutes. Since this is a rest day activity, if I can't fit it in I'm not worried about it. Not all rest days have to be "active" rest days, obviously. The program doesn't even require you have active rest days, so I should be good to go.

Okay, so I've officially done a full week of NROLFW. And I'm hurting. A lot. But I really love it! Saturday morning I did my second round of Workout A, which includes my favorite core exercise: Prone Jackknife. The videos make this look deceptively easy. It's not. It's about the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm supposed to complete 8 reps, I barely managed to squeeze out 4 the first time I did workout A and fell off the ball several times in the process. - this time I nailed the 8 on the first set, but when I came back around for the second I only hit 6.

One thing I'm doing with this program is tracking my reps/weight for each set of lifts. I've actually never done this before, but I'm excited about it because I'll really be able to see my progress and strength gains. Even though this is a "heavy lifting" program, you obviously don't start out pumping out 200lbs bench presses and squats, so most of the lifts I'm currently doing either at body weight in order to work on my form, or I'm using between 8-10lbs dumbbells for exercises I'm more familiar with like bent-over rows. I don't currently have a barbell set, but I'm hoping to be able to make this purchase within the next month or so, as well as get a bench that will give me ability to do incline presses, etc.

One thing that I'm noticing right off the bat with this program is that I am STARVING all. the. time. I cannot get enough to eat. It doesn't matter if I stuff myself with tons of nutrient dense foods with healthy fats and protein, or total junk food (potato skins anyone?)... within an hour of eating, I feel like I may die. This has caused me to far exceed my current calorie goal of 1800 nearly every day for almost two weeks. NROLFW suggests not cutting any calories when you first begin the program and gives you calculations to do in order to estimate what you should be eating on workout and non-workout days. My numbers are as follows: 2130 non-workout, and 2400 workout days . This is straight TDEE, so I would not record my exercise calories. For those of you that check out my MFP food diary, get ready to stop seeing exercise logs that reflect a calorie burn. This way I don't have to be tempted to "eat back" my exercise calories, when really I should just be focusing on my TDEE.

I've decided to switch my weigh-in days to Monday morning, instead of Fridays. This is because, ideally, I'll be lifting Mon/Wed/Fri (that obviously didn't happen this week) - this way I'll hopefully avoid that muscle water retention weight showing on the scale. I'll continue to do my measurements on the weekends simply because of the time that takes me. And speaking of measurements... here are my beginning numbers for NROLFW:

As of 2/23/2013:
Weight: 190.6 lbs
Estimated Body Fat: 33.6% (I had post on MFP the other day that I was down to 32.2%, but unfortunately I measured incorrectly the first time around. I'm not as good with the calipers as I think I am, apparently. So now I'm using an estimator that bases off of a BILLION different measurements... like neck, wrists, forearm, etc, etc. I'll continue using that same estimator from here on out.)
Chest (across bust in sports bra): 38"
Waist: 33.5"
Waist at naval: 36.5"
Hips: 44.5"
Bicep: 12"
Thigh: 26.5"

There are a few measurements that went up slightly from my last check-in - my waist, hips, and thighs. The waist.. I dunno what's going on there - possibly bloat from my poor food choices last week and/our the fact that I started my period this weekend. However, for the hips and thighs I definitely am gaining muscle mass in my glutes and quads as I can really see the difference in shape of both of those areas of my body - and it is a happy, happy difference! So I will take the slight uptake in inches for the time being! Build that muscle, body! GET IT!

The scale finally moved a bit, too. I took 3 days of rest leading up to my last weigh-in, and I think this made all the difference. Hence, changing my weigh-in day to Mondays. Interested to see how tomorrow morning works out.

I am feeling completely ADD tonight and am having a really hard time focusing on writing this, so I'm going to just end it here. I will let everybody know how the weigh-in goes tomorrow!