Rebuilding!

I began to write a couple weeks ago about my 180 degree turn on my feelings about my 3 pound gain over September which I spoke about in a my October 7^th update. I had 4 or 5 paragraphs together exploring my terror of regaining The Weight – all 27 pounds of it - and how this small gain could very possibly be a stepping stone to continuing to make excuses until I ended up right back at square one.

Then I made a decision as I came up on the following Friday (for those of you who don’t know, or may not remember – Fridays were always my normal weigh-in day). An odd decision for me in the head space I’d been in regarding my weight... I stepped on the scale before I got dressed for work. Just to see.

It said: 189. Even. My exact “starting” weight at the beginning of September when I began my maintenance “break” period.

When I originally talked about the gain I had said very clearly it could have easily been water retention; I was right. I guess I know my body better than I give myself credit for.

That being said, the panic mode I put myself into got me thinking: I have to stop giving myself permission to eat junk food all the time.

This maintenance cycle was never supposed to be a junk food free-for-all, but I’ve very much treated it that way. All moderation flew out the window and I became terrible at even getting one serving of fruits/vegetables in every day, let alone anything close to FIVE. I was beginning to feel the physical side-effects from my crappy eating habits and was getting sick of feeling like a pile of poo all the time. I decided to commit myself to having healthier meals and snacks immediately. And I’m happy to report that my eating habits over the last 2 weeks or so have improved exponentially. I’m eating what I call “big salads” daily filled with many different types of lettuces as well as baby spinach and an assortment of other veggies. I’m choosing fruits and greek yogurt for snacks, etc. I’m by no means perfect, and there is still some junk food and fast food sprinkled in my diet, but that’s totally okay. I’m getting my fruits and veggies in along with plenty of protein and I can already feel a big difference.

Speaking of commitments; I wrote out a commitment letter to myself regarding exercise/fitness the other day – and even though it is totally dorky, I’m going to share it here:

“Today I renew my commitment to regular, purposeful exercise. I promise to progress, but take things slowly in order to give my body the proper time to recover and readjust to my workouts. I will not push myself so hard or so quickly that I am too sore to complete my next workout and therefore provide myself with an excuse to be sedentary.
 Every little bit counts. 10 push-ups is not “nothing”, nor is 8 squats or 12 sit-ups, etc. Doing one set of exercise will benefit my body more than sitting in front of the television eating ice cream I’m not entirely hungry for.
 I promise not to put pressure on myself to change all my bad habits at one time. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I promise to remind myself that it will make me feel better both physically and emotionally to do some sort of physical exercise, no matter for how long or at what intensity.”

It’s a little disjointed and all over the place, but you get the basic gist. I think I really screwed myself at the end of September when I pulled the whole “go hard or go home” mentality on myself and pushed myself so hard that I could barely walk for 3 days from the soreness. I could not muster the motivation to get another workout in for that entire week, so I thought it appropriate to promise myself to respect my body’s limits right now, to take things slow with steady progression, and give myself the time to rebuild that base strength before doling out major punishment on my muscles.

So! Here’s what I started on Monday: Starting Strength

It’s basic barbell training at its finest. 5 basic lifts, very similar to Stronglifts 5x5, but with a little more advice on proper form, proper warm-up, and 3x5 working sets vs 5x5. We’ll see how this goes. It’s very simple, very basic, which probably means I’ll get bored pretty fast – but hopefully I can build up some good base strength before that happens. Lord knows how I have a million strength training books, so maybe what I’ll end up doing is just sort of cycling through them every couple months. Nothing wrong with that as long as I get the lifting in, I figure.

Okay, so here are some beginning stats:

10/28/13

• Body fat estimation: 32.8% (nearly a 3% increase in the last couple months – this is not surprising to me at all)
• Weight: 189 lbs
• Neck: 13”
• Bicep flexing: 12”
• Forearm: 9 ¾”
• Wrist: 6 ¼”
• Across bust: 38”
• Under bust: 35”
• Waist: 34.5”
• Navel: 37” (definitely increased in the last couple months – boo!!)
• Hips: 45 ¾” (another increase)
• Thighs: 26.5” (yet another)
• Calf: 15” (…aaaaaaand another)

And here are some pictures (with a SUPER flattering shot I had my husband take of my back-fat this time):

10/28/2013 - 189lbs / 32.8% estimated body fat

There are also a few other progress pictures from last month on my "progress page" that I don't think I ever mentioned in previous posts, if you want to check those out. I used one of my them for my recent #transformationtuesday post on my Facebook page.

So there you have it. Laying it all out there. As I said, my body fat increase was not surprising since I can totally SEE it on me right now. I’m hoping this will burn off quickly with better eating and regular lifting. This estimate is from an online calculator (actually the average of 3 different calculators), but I am planning to go do a Bod Pod test either sometime in December or January. I’m pretty excited about that!! It’ll be interesting to see where I’m really at with my body composition… here’s hoping it’s better than I think it is and not worse! Ha!

As of right now I will keep my calories at maintenance levels of about 2400/day and perhaps do a cut in the Spring depending on how things go. As of right now I’m pretty much full-blown tracking calories again, but it’s not stressing me out like it was before. I’ll continue with that as long as my stress level with it stays low. If I start getting obsessive again, that’ll be the first thing to go.

Wish me luck!!

Sweats

Edit: I feel like I always do this - I start writing a blog that pertains to one day and one thing... and then I don't end up finishing it by the time that day is over and then it doesn't make sense anymore. Well, I'm not re-writing this time... so here is YESTERDAY'S post that never quite made it:

I jumped back on the exercise/lifting heavy things bandwagon Monday night... and you know what happened to me? I woke up during the night drenched in sweat a LOT - 29 different times last night according to my fitbit sleep chart. Behold:

...you're reading that correctly. I missed out on nearly an hour and twenty minutes of sleep thanks to restlessness and wakefulness brought on by my night sweats... which, I can only assume, were caused by the metabolic spike from my SUPER AWESOME WORKOUT that I did the night before.

Despite my obvious restless sleep, I feel pretty darn good today. I guess exercise will do that for you. It's like a drug, man. A super happy, healthy drug. If only I could remember that when I'm in my exercise slumps and subsequent depressions.

More later on my workout routine and beginning stats!

Disturbing Trends or WINTER IS COMING!

Well, I never did get my post finished. I kind of lost where I was going with it the longer it took me to wrap it up. Oh well. :-\

The last week or so I've been feeling pretty depressed and dealing with some anxiety. I know that probably 75% of that is because of my absolute laziness the last couple months. Exercise is so important in being able to manage my depression and anxiety; I think sometimes I forget this and think I can just be sedentary, that I'll be just fine. I obviously am not "just fine".

On top of this I started feeling sick again Monday. This would make the second time in about 2-3 weeks. Although, I'm really wondering if I ever really got "well" from my chest cold to begin with. I've been existing on junk food, alcohol and cigarettes while getting very little sleep - that's certainly no way to recover from being sick. I made the decision Monday afternoon to treat myself with healthy, nutrient-rich foods instead of medicine. Monday and Tuesday I ate lots of fruits and veggies - especially leafy greens. I had some chicken soup, too. I slept about 12-14 hours Monday night  into Tuesday morning. I went to bed early last night, as well. I'm sure it also helps that I haven't smoked since Sunday night. I've been saying for about 2 years that I'm going to quit smoking, and I just haven't really wanted to. I'd still like to quit... but I can't say that I entirely want to quit. I'm going to see if I can give myself 2 weeks. If after those 2 weeks I want to start again - I will. But I need to give my lungs a rest and get this cold gunk out of me, and I think the only way to do that is to quit smoking for a little while. We're having a Halloween party this weekend, that will be the hardest night to get through without a cigarette. Stupid social habits!!

I've been thinking a lot about priorities lately and how skewed mine have become. Television and socializing have definitely been at the top of my list, taking precedent over exercise, sleep, as well as cooking dinners for my family. My kids have been eating a lot (A LOT) of chicken nuggets and mac'n'cheese lately. An exorbitant amount. It's bringing on that Mommy Guilty pretty hardcore. As if I need that on top of my not-so-stable mental health right now! I just read back through some of my blog posts over the last year... and I'm noticing a trend. A rather disturbing trend. It goes a little something like this:

"I'm so happy! I love my body! Everything is wonderful! I'm a wonderful, beautiful person with lots of wonderful, beautiful people in my life and I am so grateful and so blessed!"

Some months later:

"I'm so depressed and anxiety ridden! I need to quit my job! I drink too much, I smoke too much! WHY AM I SO FAT?! I can sleep when I die, right?! ALL THE ALCOHOL/CIGARETTES! ALL THE LATE NIGHTS!! I hate myself! I hate my life! I want to die!!"

Rinse and repeat.

But I've noticed another trend that follows the above trend: the majority of my happiness occurs in the last couple months of summer. Basically if you look at all my blog posts, the only time I am really super happy and okay with myself is about 2-3 months out of the ENTIRE YEAR...usually peaking in August.

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! And also: HOW IS THAT FAIR?!

This may be somewhat deceiving, as obvious to people who know me and regularly interact with me, I'm not a total depressed, anxiety-ridden mess 75% of the time. ...am I?

Well, I don't feel like I am. I guess it's just that whole things of this blog kind of being a place for my brain to vomit and my brain is full of lots of stressful things a lot of the time - even though the reality is those stressful things don't regularly "get" to me. Probably because I vent about them here! ...yes? ...maybe?

So basically I notice that about this time every year I find myself feeling like my priorities are out of whack, when the reality is they're pretty much out of whack all the time. I guess it's just that October seems like a good time of year to realize it. Then I usually do pretty well with getting things under control through the dead of winter... probably because it's the dead of winter and who wants to sit outside smoking and drinking in cold weather? Also, it's dark all the time - so why wouldn't I want to sleep more?

See?! It's definitely easier to prioritize sleep and nix my smoking habit when it's no "fun" to stay up late and smoke all the time anymore!

I'm sorry, I totally forgot where I was going with all this, other than: I need to get my goddamn priorities straight and not just for the winter, but for the ALWAYS! The problem is taking some time alone with no distractions to put down exactly how I want to do that and what steps I need to take to get me there. It all kind of comes back around to: I see myself as a totally different person in my head. I would like to BE the person in my head, and the way I currently live my life and prioritize my time isn't going to get me there.

More later. Maybe. If I can get my brain under control for longer than 30 seconds. *sigh*

Bad Blogger Extraordinaire!

I've been drafting/editing/redrafting/scrapping/writing/re-writing a new post for the last 6 days. Hopefully soon I'll be able to pull my sh*t together and actually put it up.

In the meantime, here's a quick overview: I'm renewing my commitment to exercise/fitness, I'm logging all food just for this week to see where I am with calorie intake, and work has been drowning me but should be a little calmer for the next couple days... just in time for me to panic about having very vague and chaotic plans for my son's 8th birthday which is Friday... I've only bought him one present so far. I'm a terrible mother.

Stay tuned!

October Check-in!

“I've got to step back and reevaluate what I'm trying to accomplish. I need to start now. So, beginning today, I'm going to move forward through the remainder of the year trying my best to stick with my goals to Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Be Active. Regardless of whether or not any of what I move forward doing is part of my current plan/diet/routine.” - This was how I ended my first September post. I decided to quit logging food religiously throughout the day and to quit putting so much pressure on myself about purposeful exercise.

So far I think this has been really excellent for my mental health. I feel like I may have actually recently lost more body fat, but I can’t be entirely sure. I’m feeling much more comfortable in my clothing. I’m feeling much more comfortable in my body. I have gained a little less than 3 pounds since my last weigh-in (a month ago), but to be fair I have eaten a LOT of sodium the days leading up to weighing myself and this could all be water weight. This is how I’m currently feeling about my weight gain:

The first couple weeks of September I did pretty well with keeping up with my runs, but the last 2-3 weeks I’ve really tapered off on almost all purposeful exercise, with the exception of a couple Mondays ago when I did The Beginner Circuit Workout From Hell that made me sore for nearly FIVE DAYS. I’m not entirely sure how to feel about this. According to my FitBit reports, though, my light activity (general walking around, housecleaning, etc.) has increased quite a bit – and I am taking 20-30 minutes walks nearly every day during the work week. Something tells me this is just as good, if not better, than 30-40 minute runs 2-3 times a week.

I don’t have a very solid idea about how much I’m eating really, but there have been a few days here and there where I’ve logged everything just to see, and from that I appear to regularly be eating around maintenance. I’ve also been able to focus a little more on how stress/sleep/life-in-general affects the type of foods I’m choosing to eat. Not much sleep? It’s going to be a majorly carb-heavy kind of day. Stressed out? Not gonna eat much of anything, but will probably drink a lot of my calories in the evening. On normal days I feel like I’m keeping a pretty good balance… though I have let my fast food intake get a little out of control. I even bought some really delicious fresh bread at the grocery last weekend to encourage myself to go home and make amazing sandwiches with it – unfortunately things at work got a little out of control, and I ended up not having the chance to go home and prepare lunch for myself at all last week. I've been thinking about just taking my lunch to work with me in the mornings and not giving life a chance to screw up my opportunity to eat something fresh/homemade vs fast food... but that means preparation and motivation and I'm a little low on both of those right now! 

I will say I'm feeling a little guilty and depressed over falling out of my normal workout routine (yes. still.), and as I was gearing myself up to start fresh this week -- well, the germs got me. I've been battling a head/chest cold for 5 days and it ain't lookin' like it's going to clear up enough for any kind of exercise anytime soon. Yay congestion! I spent the weekend getting lots of sleep and just trying to recover. It's looking like most of my week will be spent doing the same. On the plus side, I usually only get for-real sick like once or twice a year, so hopefully this is it for me for the fall/winter! And if I can flow out of this sickness back into a normal workout routine, all the better for my immune system.

I have lots more I want to talk about, but I'm having a hard time focusing right now. Hoping to have another post up in a couple days!

October update coming soon!

Hey all!!

I am currently working on my end-of-September/beginning-of-October update - it's just not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to. It certainly doesn't help that I'm feeling under the weather right now! No motivation to do anything other than lounge in front of the television when I get home from work.

Please stay tuned!!

Mental Illness Weirdness

Hello, Bloggy-Blog Land!

..that was a strange way to open this, but is a tell that I am doing slightly better. Slightly. I’m proud to report that I’ve been able to successfully attend my job during all working hours like a fully functioning adult. I haven’t even had to lock myself in the bathroom to cry at any point.

AREN’T YOU PROUD OF ME?!?!

Seriously. I don’t know what my damage is/was… I feel like last week was a bad dream – which is not to say I’m magically content with my life, love my job, and feel like my quality of life has drastically improved. I’m wondering if I’m just sort of in shock right now that I acted like such a lunatic, but am still actually a lunatic underneath all my supposed “betterness” and “over-it-ness”.

Who knows?! Guess we’ll find out in another couple weeks if I have another mental breakdown. Joy!

In other news, on the health/fitness front: Monday I put together a little beginner circuit training workout for myself to attempt to push through this strength training rut. It sort of worked… I did the workout Monday night, felt really good about it, felt really good afterward. I even refrained from smoking and/or drinking and went to bed at a decent time!! …then I woke up Tuesday morning very, very sore in my legs and glutes. It got worse as the day progressed. Wednesday was EVEN WORSE. I could barely walk. My upper-body was totally fine. I obviously didn’t really push myself like I could have/should have with upper-body for some reason. I had every intention of just doing the upper-body/ab portion of the workout last night while giving my legs and butt another day of rest, but potato skins and beer sounded much better. I’m getting there.

The weather has been perfect lately for running, but unfortunately the utter lack of daylight post-workday is ruining my secret life as a runner. And what’s worse: even if I could get myself out of bed to go in the mornings – it’s dark in the morning too!!! When my almost-2-year-old wakes up at 6:30am, it is still pitch-black in the house.  …okay, maybe not pitch black… but it ain’t dawn-lit or sun-lit by any means, either!! I also like sleep. So there’s that. It may be fast approaching the time of year where outdoor runs (or runs in general since I don’t have a treadmill!) just won’t be happening unless I randomly get some motivation in the middle of the day on a Saturday or Sunday. Ha! Yeah, right. I’m planning to keep up with my lunch break walks as long as the pleasant temperatures hold up.

I had this master plan a couple months ago to do a bulk over the winter this year. I’m still playing around with that idea in my head. The only problem is: I have to actually commit to regular heavy lifting. We’ll see if I can get there. Part of me is feeling if I can just go ahead and maintain my weight/body composition, I’m okay with that. I don’t know how long I’ll be okay with that, but it’s something to consider. I think I’ve definitely been a little bit happier on some levels not worrying so much about how many calories/what macro splits I’m eating this month (even though I still have days where I’ve logged everything throughout the day – it’s like an addiction, cripes), but I also worry sometimes that I’m going to let myself go and get super lazy and just end up having to start all over. …doesn’t it seem like there are just worse things to be afraid of? Especially when there is no recent behavior that is making me think I WOULD just give up and gain back all the weight/fat! Shouldn’t I worry more about things like zombies?! Or World War! …which are also two very good reasons to stay in somewhat decent shape.

I’m sorry, I’m getting completely off-track… this is probably part of my on-going Mental Illness Weirdness right now. Stay tuned, more updates soon!

She Breaks Just Like A Little Girl

I don’t know what happened to me this week… but it wasn’t good. It may be appropriate to call it a mental breakdown. It was brought on by a perfect storm of stress, stress-induced depression and anxiety, major lack of sleep, a general feeling of being overwhelmed with work/kids/marriage/housekeeping, working for and with my in-laws, and the cherry on top: 2-3 months of a really, really shitty diet.

The seeds were planted right around Labor Day. It began with a very intense argument with Mike over the holiday weekend – one that lead to a lengthy discussion where he revealed to me that he feels like I’m never happy, always on the edge of depression, and seem uninterested in our marriage and our children. This was somewhat surprising to me, as I had felt like I had enjoyed spending time with not only him, but also the kids, so much more since the beginning of the summer! What it really boiled down to was my constant complaints about work, and my dissatisfaction with my job. I didn’t think this stress and anger over work was bleeding over into my personal life – I was wrong. It was hemorrhaging. 

I decided to really think about how I could change this feeling, what it would take to make me happy, both personally and professionally. I barely had time to begin digging for the revelation when work sent me over the edge. It was no one thing, it was everything. Everything all at once. I was literally sick with worry and anxiety over messing up a task that I had been trusted with – I was able to breathe when I realized I had managed to complete it without error. Until I was told I made a large error. I followed the instructions provided to me exactly… apparently the instructions were wrong, or I misunderstood them. It doesn’t really matter, but that was sort of the final thing for me. I had worked so hard to make sure this went smoothly – I had had nausea and diarrhea (sorry for the TMI!!!) for days. Then to find out I’d done it wrong? It was all I could take. I had to leave the office a few minutes early, I had to go to my mom’s, I had to down three beers in an hour, chain smoke, and cry. I had to quit my job. I had to! I couldn’t take it anymore!

…but, of course, I didn’t. Because I couldn’t just do that. My income is necessary at this point in our lives, and it’s family. Not just family… but my husband’s family. I’m sure many of you understand the delicate “in-law” balance. This is an especially tricky situation. Especially with the new role and responsibilities I have recently been taking on within the business. My irrational decision to just up and quit would be more than bad. It would be the possibility of screwing up pretty darn important personal relationships… the most important of those being: my marriage. So I didn’t quit. I just drank a lot and stayed up too late and pretended everything was okay. Band-aid that bitch!

Bad idea.

You can’t put a band-aid on a gunshot wound and call it a day. It doesn’t work that way.

During all of this mess, my maternal grandfather (I call him pa-pa (papaw)) has been in and out of the hospital a couple times. He had a heart attack a couple years ago and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He recovered pretty well from his bypass surgery and has maintained his health… until recently. Over this last 6-9 months he’s lost a lot of weight. He is very fatigued. It’s just… it’s not good. And then he got bronchitis at the end of August and it’s caused a lot of secondary problems. Right now things are not good. I don’t know how to better explain it than that. My grandparents (on both sides) are more than just grandparents to me… they are my parents. They are just an extension. To lose any of them… I just honestly don’t know how I would react to that. I don’t know how functional I would be as a human being. And I don’t know how long it would take for me to regain that functionality.

Monday evening I talked to my granny… she sounded weird. My grandparents grew up in rural Louisiana, they have thick southern accents. Granny’s voice was so tight, she was speaking with almost no accent at all. She’s giving me updates on Pa-pa. She says he’s very sick… he’s not back in the hospital, but he’s very sick. I ask how SHE is doing… she gets quiet, then laughs and says, “Well, you know!! I just keep goin’ and doin’ and takin’ care of things!” (now I know where I get that laugh-off-the-bad from), and tells me she needs to get off the phone so she can get supper started.

I got off the phone and lost it, you guys. I’m tearing up just typing this out right now.

I went over to my parents later that evening and we started talking about Chelsea – the missing sister. Only she’s not reallymissing, we know where she is, she just doesn’t speak to us. I was telling Mom and Dad how I had a dream about her a couple weeks ago. A dream where she came home. And what was weird to me is that, in the dream, I completely broke down when I saw her… everyone else was happy to see her, but no one else was crying and clinging to her like I was. The other thing that stood out to me was that she was wearing this bandana on her head… it’s a detail of the dream that I remember very clearly for some reason. So in talking about this dream, I decide maybe it’s time I write Chelsea an email to have my baby sister send since Lillie is the only family member Chelsea still communicates with. Talking about all of that was heavy. I’m realizing in that moment, as I’m getting ready to leave to head home and go to bed, that there’s no way I can work tomorrow… there’s no way I can face the day. I’m not entirely sure I’m even going to be able to get out of bed. And then, a strange side-note: my dad always walks me to the door and watches me get in my car (“so the marauders won’t get you!”) – he gives me a hug as I’m leaving and says quietly, “I had a dream about Chelsea a couple months ago... she was wearing a bandanna.”  Isn’t that spooky?! That’s kind of spooky, right?!

I digress… it was two weeks of just really heavy stuff and really high stress. I decided to take a mental health day Tuesday. I slept in, I grabbed some lunch with my dad, and I went on a mad purge and cleaning frenzy in my house. It felt really good to get some household chores done that I hadn’t done in a long time, to take care of the things I had been either avoiding or just neglecting to the point of it being almost disgusting. It felt really good to just be home, to feel like I could actually take care of my house without feeling like I was constantly failing both as a homemaker and as a “working woman”.

I went into work Wednesday morning, still feeling pretty depressed and overwhelmed with everything else going on as well as with my job, but a little less heavy having cleaned my living space… Mike and I had spoken briefly a couple weeks ago about my staying at home full-time, in our talk about what might make me happy since he felt I was so unhappy all the time. We aren’t currently in a place financially where this would be an option, but it was something to think about in the future. Being the person that I am, I decided to see where a starting point could be for this option – what kind of a salary would he need to be making where I could maybe consider staying home with the kids? I found what I thought would be a reasonable starting point… I brought it up at lunch that day, just a hypothetical. Well, long story short: it turned into a fight. A really big fight where he said things (and then I, later in the day, said things) that were incredibly hurtful and cruel and just downright rude. I felt as if he, in his words and behavior, was telling me that this just simply would never be an option for our family. This, in turn, made me feel like he was saying my happiness really wasn’t as important as he’d made it out to be in earlier conversations – or at all, really. That having extra money would always be the most important thing. 

I have a tendency to think that money doesn’t do much for you if you’re not happy earning that money or can’t enjoy the fruits of your labor. …but whatever. So we get into this argument and I think the emotional center in my brain just broke. I couldn’t go back into work. I couldn’t sit in the office and pretend like I wasn’t breaking into a million pieces inside. I couldn't be silently crying at my desk for the rest of the afternoon. So I went home. I had to call my father-in-law hiccup-crying (you know, where you’re crying so hard that you can’t really breathe? Yeah.) and explain that I just couldn’t come back… that I was just having a really hard time and just couldn’t do it that day. We left it at that. I went home and laid in the floor, crying really uncontrollably… like to the point where I almost threw up all over myself… and then almost hyperventilated at one point. I obviously should not have been alone in that moment. So, naturally, I went to my mother’s. 

Once I calmed down, I picked up my kids from daycare early and headed back to Mom's house for some dinner… Mike randomly showed up around 6pm and ate with us, even though I never told him what I was doing or where I was going… but he knows me. He knows where my safe place is: home. My real home, where I grew up, where my family is.

We didn’t even talk, really, until shortly before bed. We ended up rehashing the argument and almost just continuing to argue instead of actually resolving anything… but then I guess we decided to pull our heads out of our assess and talk to each other like actual adults. And while nothing has been resolved on the front of what I want to do about my professional unhappiness that is causing my personal unhappiness, and Mike can’t magically get a 15% raise tomorrow to allow me to just be at home full time immediately… I’m feeling a little better. I think he may be more stressed out than ever (oops L)… but I have at least been able to put in a full day at work yesterday and today (well, so far anyway) without feeling like I want to kill myself or worrying that I may have to be institutionalized before the end of the day. Realistically, I understand this may have more to do with complete and utter emotional exhaustion and the fact that the weekend is here than anything actually being “better”. These episodes this week, they scared me. I’m afraid there may be more going on here than just normal, everyday stresses… or maybe it’s just that my stressors AREN’T so “normal” and “everyday”. Maybe this is a normal reaction to everything that’s been going on for the last couple months and I shouldn’t be expected to just be able to pull it together…

It’s all very scary. There are a lot of decisions that still need to be made. There’s no plan in place. I’m just sort of floating in depression/anxiety limbo, while I think I’m currently experiencing some false euphoria after spending the majority of Wednesday crying my guts out; I’m not entirely sure this is one of those situations where I just needed a "good cry”. I think there are some much deeper things at hand here, and I’m not even sure what those are or if they can be fixed/changed/made better.

I’m a mess. I can’t even remember that last time I felt so messy. I’m a mess that doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up. The only problem with that is: I’m supposed to be a grown-up.

Nothing Really Matters

"...anyone can see, nothing really matters.. to meeeeeeee"

Thank you, Freddie Mercury, for perfectly describing my life lately.

I'm sorry I've been MIA lately... it's been a rough month so far.

I'm about to make the understatement of the century: work makes me want to kill myself.

Unfortunately, I can't really go into much further detail than that, as much as it would probably do me a world of good to just vent/write it all out. But I'm not there yet. Decisions have to be made, a plan of action must be put together, meetings must be had, etc.

I can say this: I'm unhappy. I've been unhappy for longer than I wanted to admit to myself. I made excuses that things were just busy and once they slowed down, everything would be okay. This was a lie I told myself. The anger and frustration I'm experiencing at the office on a daily basis is starting to bleed over into my home/family life and how I think/feel about myself. This is obviously unhealthy on a very serious level. Like I said: decisions have to be made.

This is a major part of why I have been so quiet on the blog since the start of September. Some very stressful things happened right around the time of my last post and I've sort of been reeling in the aftermath of all of that and floating in this sort of stress/hating-life limbo. I think this may the quintessential Quarter Life Crisis, and how exactly does one push through that? It might be time to get back into counseling... or maybe even look into that whole "life coach" thing, as much as I sort of wonder if that's just a bunch of malarkey.

Okay, that’s enough negativity. Updates!

My experiment in intuitive eating/exercising has been somewhat successful so far. On average, I’m eating less than I was when I was actively counting calories – and my “splurge” days are actually closer to maintenance, which is excellent. I’m determining this by doing backlogging on MFP – going in a day or two after what I thought may have been an “average” or particularly high day for me in order to see where the actual numbers come in. So with food, I would say I’ve been victorious so far and I’m feeling much better about food and my eating in general, even if I’m far from being back on a completely healthful eating track. It’s nice to just, y’know, eat what I’m hungry for when I’m hungry for it.

With the exercise… well. I don’t know how to feel about this aspect. I’m considering re-dedicating myself to SOME sort of strength training beginning tonight. I ran a couple times last week, took walks during my lunch at work nearly every day and walked 4 miles with my kiddos on Saturday morning - as most of you may realize, that is a HIGHLY UNLIKELY OCCURRENCE! I never do purposeful exercise on the weekends. I’m a lot more active just by being at home and doing general housekeeping/errand running, as well as taking Nolan outside and chasing him around the yard, so I don’t generally feel the need – but it was really nice not only physically but mentally to load Nolan into the stroller and have James grab his scooter for the 2 mile walk to the big playground near our house, and then walk back after an hour playing. So I’m definitely being active, but I also feel like I’m getting mushy from lack of strength training. I’m just so bored with everything I’ve tried over the last several months, but maybe I can find some fun in it again. It would definitely do me some good. So I guess I can say I’ve been victorious on the intuitive exercise since I haven’t become a total lump on the couch.

Totally random, but super exciting (to me): I picked up a couple pairs of American Eagle brand jeans about a week ago… and they are the best jeans on the planet. I love them. They fit me SO well. I’m super stoked since I’ve really been struggling the last few months to find pants that fit properly.

I think that’s everything that’s been going on… everything that feels important right now, anyway. Hopefully I’ll have some positive news next update and be able to fill you in a little more on what I’m doing with my life. While this has been a ridiculously rough month, I am hopeful that some amazing change will come out of all this struggle and I can find peace in all aspects of my life moving forward. 

Starting Point

So it's been a few days since I posted about trying to "take a break" from my "be healthy" obsession and self-hate cycle. So far, so good. I have avoided logging calories throughout the day almost completely. While I have gone in at the end of the day and entered stuff in, I've done that mostly because I want my FitBit numbers to reflect correctly (it's all connected). But yesterday I realized that's dumb. It doesn't matter if my calories reflect on my FitBit -- the most important information my FitBit can provide me with right now is my step count, activity levels, and sleep patterns. I don't have to count/track calories/food for that info.

As I said I would the other day, I went ahead and weighed myself and took measurements for a starting point in this experiment about trusting myself to eat right/enough and be active. Here they are:
Weight/Measurements @ 09/05/2013:
Weight: 189 lbs
Chest (across bust): 38"
Waist: 32.5"
Waist @ navel: 34.5"
Hips: 44"
Thighs: 25.5"
Arms: 11.5"

Not as much change as I had feared, and more change in areas I wasn't even concerned about -- I gained inches on my hips and thighs. Although, some of that could be muscle gains in my glutes and quads with all the squats I've been up to this summer.

So, after my post the other day I came across this quote on a site called Impruvism, and I thought it was so appropriate for what I've been going through lately:

"Don’t be afraid to change your goals, and don’t identify yourself with how you exercise, what you eat, or any other single aspect of your life. You’re more than that. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t."

I came across a lot of things that day, actually, that I just really needed to see and read... things that made me realize these struggles are part of the process and that changing things up until you find the thing or things that work best for you is totally normal and okay and is nothing to beat yourself up over. 

I guess I just haven't found my "thing" quite yet, but I'm getting there.  

September and Failing

September has arrived. School is back in session, winter is coming, and work can kiss my ass.

Aren't you glad I'm in such a spectacular mood?

I feel like a total hypocrite saying this after all my "I've already reached goal because I love my body" statements recently, but:

I am feeling super discouraged and like a failure lately. This just more of the same from my last update, and I'm sorry for that. I just need to work it out and I don't know how else to do that than to just brain vomit about all these things I'm feeling.

I had decided to give 30 Day Shred a shot again, just to get me back into the swing of things... I did one day. My God. SO. BORING. I could barely push through... plus, for all my "fitness", it still makes me feel like I want to die. Except the cardio. This time the cardio was a pleasant break for me. But I did come to the realization that for all my heavy lifting, I have little muscle endurance. Bench press 110lbs 5x5? Sure, no problem! Squat into overhead press with 5 lbs dumbells 20 times in a row? NOPE! Not happening! Ugggghhhh. 

I honestly want to give up. I want to stop eating and run my heart out. I know this doesn't accomplish what I want for my health and getting the body composition I want, but right now I feel like running is the only place I'm accomplishing anything health-wise because I'm noticing major changes in my endurance and speed when I do my sprints/intervals. I want to stop lifting. I feel like I'm not gaining strength and this is incredibly frustrating. My boredom-led training inconsistency, stress, lack of sleep, and poor diet are all contributing factors. I've been under so much stress lately with work... it's slowly killing me. That's truth, not hyperbole, and I don't know how to push through. I'm in this place of extremes... either I want to eat what I want, when I want, as much and as often as I want, or I feel like I need to punish myself by drastically restricting calories. Neither of these in practice are going to get me anywhere close to pushing through this plateau and fitness depression. And I'm just so bored. Bored, bored, bored. I'm super super unenthused with my lifting/strength training right now and I don't really know how to revamp. Part of me is considering taking a break from it all. Giving myself maybe 3 months to eat intuitively, do some running (which I'm really learning to love... oddly enough), do some yoga, and try to just... be. That's my 2013 goal, right? Be Happy, Be Healthy, Be Active.

Does "be active" mean I have to continue strength training if it's boring me to death, does it mean there's only one type of "active"? No, it shouldn't, it doesn't. Does "be healthy" mean I have to completely cut out the junky things I like to eat? No, it's about moderation, and fueling your body with good foods first before adding in treats. Does "be healthy" mean I should continually stress and beat myself up for not pushing hard enough, for not accomplishing enough, for not having the body composition ideal I have in my head for myself? ABSOLUTELY NOT. And I'm certainly not following my own advice to "be happy" when it comes to certain aspects of my lifestyle. I'm so very tired of stressing over calorie counts and protein levels and carbs, of feeling guilty for drinking real beer instead of Miller Lite, of feeling like not having my idea of an ideal body somehow makes me a failure at life in general.

The way my body looks and the food I choose to eat and the activity/exercise I choose to do or not do does not define who I am as a human being. 

And, yet, it is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to remember that.

So now I find myself wondering if it's worth it... And the answer to that seems to be a resounding: NO. Not like THIS. And by this, I mean the constant stress and pressure, the guilt, the disappointment in myself. Nothing about that is healthy, for body or mind.

I need a break. I need a real and forced break. I've said it 100 times before, "Oh, I'm taking a break for a couple weeks." and then I continue to log everything and do my same routine, or fall off routine and feel guilty and terrible for it and guilt and self-hate over calorie intake.

I've got to step back and reevaluate what I'm trying to accomplish. I need to start now. So, beginning today, I'm going to move forward through the remainder of the year trying my best to stick with my goals to Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Be Active. Regardless of whether or not any of what I move forward doing is part of my current plan/diet/routine. Tonight/tomorrow morning I will go ahead and take measurements and weigh myself, just so I have a comparison to see how this new "hands off" approach affects my body. Thankfully I have this handy-dandy blog to track my mental health through this experiment.

Here goes...

WAY Far Gone

“Maybe I’ll just give myself a couple days.”

That’s what I said a week ago. Well, a couple days turned into a whole week… a week filled with some  smart food choices, but mostly filled with pizza (4 times in 3 days) and beer and movie theatre snacks. And more beer. Oh! And no sleep. Less than 5-6 hours a night.

No wonder my pants don’t fit right today.

That’s right, folks. MY PANTS DON’T FIT TODAY. Now, logically I know this is due to water retention/bloat from my poor eating, lack of exercise, and general lack of priorities when it comes to sleep… but two solid weeks of little-to-no exercise certainly isn’t helping me – and, of course, my complete and total lack of regard for my diet and what I’m feeding my body. (Look out – here comes the self-hate cycle!!) I’ve started hating on myself pretty hardcore the last couple days. For my regular followers, you know this is pretty typical when I’m not keeping up with regular exercise and eating smart. My jeans digging into my belly as I write this is a pretty clear sign that I need to kick my ass in gear this evening and either get a jog in or hit the weights or something… ANYTHING!!

I’ve been trying to figure out what set me off on this (the food is just laziness and falling back into bad habits – see also: lack of willpower) – and I think I’ve narrowed it down to boredom. While I’ve continued to enjoy running/sprinting a few times a week, my strength routine is getting me DOWN, man. I have no motivation. I think part of it is feeling like I’m not seeing results – but, shit, how am I supposed to see results when a) I’m feeding my body processed junk every day, and b) I’m not CONSISTENTLY lifting? Half the effort = half the results, none effort = none results… and on top of this I’m afraid I’m starting to gain back body fat… not weight, mind you. Fat. My weight hasn’t fluctuated below/above 189/192 in 9 months.  …let’s not even get started on my ever-present disappointment with that… but, more importantly, I’ve gained some inches back around my waist since the beginning of July when my junk food addiction returned full-force.

I’ve never been one to really preach hardcore “clean eating”, because Lord knows I don’t follow that… but I’m realizing more and more how super important it is to have fast food/restaurant food be the exception and not the norm.

Back to the exercise boredom… I’m thinking about doing a week or two of 30 Day Shred (again), just to get myself back into the swing of things. I may supplement this with running, I may not. We shall see. But I am done with allowing myself excuses. It’s one thing to take an extra rest day (or two) due to some deep muscle soreness and/or shin splints acting up, etc. – it’s NOT okay to take extra rest day just for the sake of laziness and feeling sorry for one’s self. It doesn’t make me feel better physically or emotionally. In fact, it just makes it worse.

I also need to start acting like a damn grown-up and making sleep a priority regardless of what day of the week it may be. Sleeping less than 5-6 hours a night just because it’s Friday or Saturday is unacceptable and is probably reason numero uno that I’m starting to pack back on the fat. Sleep is so important for proper hormone function, especially while working toward fat/weight loss. I would also do myself a big favor by not using beer as a lifting recovery beverage!!

DO YOU HEAR THAT, JESS?! QUIT TREATING YOUR BODY LIKE A TRASH RECEPTICLE!!

*sigh* Just when you think you’ve got it under control, folks – the universe reminds you: You Don’t.

On a bit of a different note:

I’ve started working on a new “Things I want for myself” list. I did one last June, and accomplished many of the things I set out to do/be/accomplish. Some I keep up with better than others. Some of the things on the new list are reminiscent of last year’s list. That’s okay. It does me well to write it down and put it out in the universe.

**PS – After drafting this post earlier today, I found out my granddad was admitted to ICU with fluid build-up in his chest/around his heart and pneumonia.  I would appreciate it so much if all my readers  would send positive thoughts and prayers for him!**

Off Plan

Okay, not that I really have a “plan” to be “on” right now, but I can feel it in my bones that I’m off my bandwagon of regular exercise and good eating… I suppose my eating habits are actually probably the same they were a week ago… but I am feeling supremely lazy in the realm of exercise. I know it’s only Tuesday and I have the rest of today and this week to get back into my exercise routine, but I am having a bad case of the I-Don’t-Wanna’s.

I’m feeling pretty depressed. I returned from my trip Sunday night… but, in the words of my grandmother, “I love it when y’all visit, but I hate it because that means you have to leave again.”

While I missed my husband and children (more than I expected to, actually) over the 4 days I visited my grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins, the absolute heartbreak that I experience every time I have to go back “home” is excruciating. I probably looked like a crazy person as I traveled back home, the whole time trying not to cry hysterically. I managed to maintain pretty well – until last night.

I’m just going go out on a limb and say: I have a hard time with travel, in general. I think I just get really stressed out. Also, let’s face it, vacation is exhausting most of the time. Especially if you have far to go… with children… and/or a husband, because husbands are really just like extra children. Almost any time we go anywhere I have a complete emotional breakdown upon returning home, complete with hiccup crying and wailing.

I digress… so I held it together pretty well Sunday night even though I returned home much later than I wanted to thanks to an hour and a half delay… on the tarmac… but then yesterday after work… well, I lost it. My granny called to make sure I made it home okay and to see about Nolan (he ran a fever over the weekend), and then she said, “Well, I sure am glad you came to visit us and I sure did enjoy our long walk on Friday.” And it was all over. I chokingly wrapped up the conversation and then pretty much just flipped my shit. The heartbreak over being so far away from my elderly grandparents that I am so close to, plus ridiculous stressors at work with personnel and staffing, and then home improvement projects that are mounting in expense so much faster than expected… it just all came crashing down. My hiccup crying was, understandably, frightening my children – plus no one wants the taste of tears in their dinner… so Mike sent me to a time-out. Even after calming down, I spent the majority of the evening just feeling totally depressed. I got in bed shortly after 10pm, read a little bit, and passed out by 11pm. The extra sleep was nice, but I’m still not really feeling 100% “normal” today. My mom and dad are currently on vacation and get back tomorrow night. I’m hoping I’ll feel better after seeing them on Thursday.

(Basically I’m just a whiny baby that needs to be around her family 24/7.)

All of this is just contributing to my desire to be a total lump, lazily lounging around watching tv or reading, and sleeping as much as possible. If I could get away with not going to work, I’d probably just stay at home for a few days.

While I know that this is all probably temporary and am feeling like maybe I need to boot myself in the butt and get a workout in… another part of me is wondering if my physical exhaustion is my body telling me it needs a few days. While I didn’t purposefully exercise in Arkansas, I was up and doing stuff all day every day, with the exception of maybe Saturday morning when I just sat around and read a book for about 3 hours. Friday I went for a 2 mile or more walk with my granny.

Maybe I’ll just give myself a couple days. If the motivation/desire for a good workout hits me tonight when I get home from work, so be it! I’ll get it done… but if I’m still feeling run down like I do right now, another night of rest may do me more good than harm. 

Now, to go off on something kind of not entirely relevant: I want to try out this primal eating thing. For reals. I mean, I know I read the book and everything and then was like, “Erm, no, that’s okay. I’ll just continue being a carb addict.” But I’ve been thinking a lot about it… and while I don’t think I want to give up all things deliciously processed in my life (namely: beer and ice cream), I think it certainly wouldn’t hurt me to shoot for like an 80% goal for primal eating – or even to shoot for primal eating 5-6 days a week, allowing myself beer/ice cream in the evenings if I want it. We all know I don’t do especially well with pressuring myself by saying, for example, “OKAY! Beginning September 1^st, I shall no longer be eating processed carbs!”… because I will just sabotage myself and eat more processed carbs than I normally do, until it makes me sick… y’know, just to “prove” something to myself. What that is other than “You’re a crazy person with a perpetual self-hate cycle, Jessica”, is beyond me.

My first step is just to simply start meal-planning for dinners again while leaving out the packaged rice and/or pasta sides. Lean meat and fresh or frozen veggies, for the win!

..perhaps, if I deny him long enough, Nolan (my toddler) may even start to eat something other than frozen chicken nuggets. Perhaps.

My second step is to start meal-planning lunches. And, eventually, meal-planning breakfasts – leaving me with three meals a day prepared-for and planned out. I was doing it before, no reason why I can’t do it again.

Maybe I’ll even be ambitious enough to outline my meal plans here, just to have it stored somewhere.

How are all of you doing? Do any of you get overwhelmed after traveling and/or vacation?

Connections

My diet has been pretty crappy lately. I go through phases like this pretty regularly. I get in a good groove of cooking fresh, eating lunch at home, getting up early enough to make a decent breakfast for myself, snacking on lots of fresh fruits and veggies, etc. Then I’ll have a week or weekend where I drink a lot, eat a lot of junk, go out for fast-food lunch too often and order-in or eat-out for dinner nearly every night and that sends me into a tailspin of crappy eating for a few week or a couple months, depending on where I am mentally/emotionally.

I’m currently in the latter phase… and I think it caught up to me last week. We’re going on about a month of this crappy eating cycle and the last 2 weeks I’ve especially felt run down and lethargic (although have been in a decent mental place), but last Thursday.. I don’t know what happened. I had to go to bed almost as soon as I got home from work/dinner at my mom’s. I felt almost sick with exhaustion. I dozed while my 7 year old got his shower and got ready for bed, I read him his bedtime story while half-asleep, and promptly tucked myself into bed the moment his “lights out” time approached at 8:30pm. I slept until 7:30am the next morning.

I wish I could say I woke up Friday morning feeling “amazing” and “refreshed” – not so, Dear Readers. I woke up feeling normal. I woke up feeling the same way I feel after a mere 6 or 7 hours of sleep. My body and mind showed no enhancement from my 11 hour nap, save for the sickening exhaustion being gone. In fact, I felt as if I could have slept another 3 or 4 hours easily.

The only thing I can imagine that would have spurned this (other than flu onset – which it definitely wasn’t/isn’t) is the amount of total processed, fake junk “food” I’ve been feeding my body for the last few weeks… this past week has been especially bad, I feel like. I’m too lazy to actually go back and look at the last week’s worth of food journaling to prove it to you – but just trust me on this.

While I’m enjoying my pseudo intuitive eating and leaving behind my stress over “how many calories”, I think I may have subconsciously given myself a Get Out of Jail Free card when it came to my food choices… ie: EAT ALL THE JUNK FOOD AND CANDY. NO, REALLY. IT’S OKAY. YOU’LL BE FINE. Well, I’m not fine. Thursday night proved that. And my migraine that came out of nowhere the night before was probably more proof than the weird exhaustion spell. I had a bad migraine a couple months ago, but that was the first one in over a year… and now to have a second in less than 3 months? I’m convinced this has everything to do with recent food choices. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve upped the exercise the last couple months as well – my body needs that real food and its nutrients!! It may also explain why every Wednesday I have a crash-and-burn forced rest day from exercise after lifting Monday nights and running 2-3 miles Tuesday nights. Maybe if I was feeding myself properly my body could recover a little more quickly and easily.

I leave in a few days for a long weekend down in Arkansas to see family and friends. While I’m sure this trip will be full of alcohol and restaurant food indulgence, it will also be filled with some homecooked meals at my grandparent’s, which are always complete with an abundance of vegetable sides and tons of protein! When I return home I plan to get back on top of my meal planning and shop for lots of fresh foods and try to avoid purchasing any junky carby food… with the exception of beer and ice cream. Everything in moderation. ;)

...when did this happen?

I have a tumblr... it's where I post things that I like, that make me happy, that make me laugh, etc. It's honestly sort of a glorified Pinterest for me - but I enjoy it. I follow a lot of Fitblrs on there and will occasionally share their posts on my tumblr if I feel like it's something that's more "life" related vs strictly health/fitness.

Many of the Fitblrs I follow are "fitspiration" pages - there are a lot of posts of women lifting, Crossfit athletes, figuring competitors, fitness models, etc. Recently I realized I don't enjoy looking at these posts anymore. I'm realizing more and more that these images, while at first seemed like better images to strive toward because they represented an image of "strong" vs "skinny", really are only providing another type of unattainable goal.

These women do not look like this 24/7. They train for these bodies for specific purposes and only at specific times of the year. To maintain the diet and training regimen to look like this everyday would be nearly impossible -- and wouldn't be healthy in any way. I find myself wishing that inspirational memes like this:

Source

were of women that look more like me, rather than a fitness model or figuring/bikini competitor. This girl had to do several bulk/cut cycles to get here... those bulk cycles mean 4-6 months of eating a LOT of calories, gaining weight (not only muscle, but also fat), cutting out cardio almost entirely, and lifting HEAVY. ...to then reveal the muscles underneath she must cut. That means restricting calories considerably, sticking to a bland diet of chicken breasts/broccoli/sweet potatoes/oatmeal and the occasional banana... every day... for 3-4 months... while adding in lots of cardio and continuing to lift in hopes that the mass increase in cardio and decrease in calories doesn't eat away all the muscle she spent so long building and feeding. These cuts often lead to wrecked hormones, metabolic shut down, and emotional turmoil. It can take these women years to recover from the damage done to their hormones and metabolisms. (Here's an excellent article/interview with a fitness model who does her cuts in a more healthy way - I personally think her "before" pictures are much more attractive than her cuts!: http://eatmore2weighless.com/competitor-stephanielynn-interview/)

No, thank you. That kind of "work" isn't worth it. It isn't going to dramatically change my life for the better.

Through just a tiny bit of education, I've also realized: this isn't just happening to girls that are fitness competitors -- this is happening to just your "casual" exerciser. It's so important to educate yourself on the hormonal and metabolic effects of Very Low Calorie Dieting and Chronic Cardio... and, maybe more importantly, how you can change the vicious cycle of yo-yo dieting/over-exercising.

Sorry, I kind of went off on a little tangent there... back to "fitspiration"; I have a board on Pinterest with that title and it's FULL of inspiration memes similar to the one above. But I don't believe my body will ever look like that - and today, right now, and for the last few weeks I don't believe I want my body to look like that. I am starting to love my body so much and appreciate all the cool things it does for me. Its belly is a little squishy and is still holding onto that "mommy" roll, its legs have some cellulite, its back still carries some excess fat stores... but it can also lift heavy things, tote my 32 lbs toddler around, run fast enough to keep said toddler from dashing into the street, race against my 7 year old on his scooter (and WIN!!), carry laundry up and down 2 flights of stairs without getting out of breath, and carry 6-7 bags of groceries at one time in from the car without straining at the weight. It looks good in the clothes I put on it (most of the time - we can't all have infallible fashion sense), and even without any clothes on it.

I love my body. I accept my body and its flaws. And while I am all about continuing to exercise/be active and make smarter decisions about the foods I eat - I do that because I love my body, no longer in order to love my body.

I don't know when this happened. I don't know what exactly I did or accomplished to make it click. I don't know if it came from an emotional place, or a physical place. I don't know if I actually even look a whole lot different than I did, say, 3 or 4 months ago -- but I feel very different and I see myself very differently when I look in the mirror and/or picture myself in my head. My mental image of myself is very close to the physical image of myself. It's a strange and happy place to be.

365 Days

Tomorrow will mark my one year anniversary of logging food/exercise into MyFitnessPal every.single.day. I’ve gone from rarely purposefully exercising and eating around 1500-1800 calories/day (while netting below BMR most days – oops!), to purposeful exercise being a part of my daily life and eating 2000-2400 calories/day (rarely, if ever, netting below BMR). Here’s an update on stats:

Weight/Measurements 8/17/12 (closest date I have):

Estimated Body Fat % (YMCA formula): 33%

Weight: 195.8lbs

Waist:  34” / 38” at navel 

Chest:  41"

Hips:  45"

Thighs:  26"

Arms (flexed):  12"

Weight/Measurements 7/20/13 (closest date I have):

Estimated Body Fat % (YMCA formula): 26% (I don’t use the YMCA formula anymore, but holy crap!! Using the calculator I depend on now would probably have my August 2012 number close to 36%, and currently has me around 30%... these are all just estimations, of course)

Weight:  189.2 lbs

Waist:  32” / 34” at navel 

Chest:  38"

Hips:  43.75"

Thighs:  25"

Arms (flexed):  11.5"

 As you can see I’ve lost not-quite 6 lbs in the last year… I actually don’t really know what I weigh right now because I haven’t stepped on the scale in a month. I betcha it’s somewhere between 189 and 191, though, depending on how recently I worked out, etc. I’ve continued to lose inches and fat and that’s most important to me right now.

Which brings me to another point: what is goal?

When I originally started this blog my goal weight was 150 lbs.  After Nolan was born and I had educated myself a little more on what my other fitness/health goals were, I bumped this number to 160 lbs. Today I don’t think I have a goal weight. I do have a goal body fat percentage: 22%.  But what’s funny about that goal is that… I’m not sure I actually care anymore. Not in an “I’m not getting there fast enough so I just give up! Screw it!” kind of way, but more in an “I am so comfortable in my body and my clothes and with how I look and feel, it’s just not worth stressing over” kind of way.

July 11^th I wrote a note to myself. It said:

Today I realized that I’ve always thought of “goal weight” as “Once I reach this weight, I won’t have to eat right or exercise anymore” – and now I realize there is no magical “goal weight” where I all of a sudden won’t have to take care of myself any longer. It’s all about adjusting to a new lifestyle. It’s about living differently and having those “right” choices be part of everyday life and enjoying that life. And under those terms: I’ve reached goal.

Talk about an epiphany moment.

This doesn’t mean I don’t still have plenty of work to do. I do! My food choices have been pretty poor over the last month, and I still have some belly fat I’d like to get rid of, I still want to reach my 22% body fat goal – preferably in the next 4-6 months… which won’t happen until I start making better food choices. But overall I am really happy with my body. That is pretty amazing since I don’t know that I’ve ever been happy with my body entirely except for maybe the year I was 17. But that was it. It only last about a year, folks!

I mean, shoot, I’m rocking a bikini this summer:

Selfie shadow haha!

That’s some pretty solid body confidence right there. I’ll take it.

You’ll notice I’ve changed my goals for the month to just cover the rest of this year. You’ll probably also notice I’ve stopped weighing myself – I talked about this a little bit already, I know,  I’m a little all over the place today! I know how much I weigh and I doubt that number is going to change anytime soon. I probably won’t really weigh myself until I see some drastic changes in my measurements and/or the way my clothing fits. I’m currently back doing Stronglifts 5x5, plus I’m walking and/or jogging 3-4 times a week with sprints once or twice a week. It’ll be interesting to see how this all factors in to my fat loss. At this point all this “exercise” is just something I enjoy doing and feel strange not getting done. With the stress from other aspects on my life, I’m 99% sure it’s about the only thing keeping me sane. I’ve truly learned to love it and that’s probably my biggest accomplishment in this whole health journey to date.

Beginning next week I’m going to back off a little on my food tracking. I’m going to try to intuitively eat for a few weeks and see what happens. While I’ll probably still log my food, it won’t necessarily be a “throughout the day” type process, but more “eat/drink what I feel like, enter it in at the end of the day” deal. My hope is in doing this, that I may start seeing some accelerated losses just by dropping the stress of tracking my calorie deficit so closely. I’ve been wondering a lot lately if my plateau in weight loss and my slow fat loss is due to the stress of trying to do the “right” thing all the time – which I talked about last post. It’s time to start focusing on what feels right for ME.

I’ve also been considering doing a purposeful metabolic reset/bulk period when the weather gets cooler. This would mean eating at/a little above TDEE for 4-6 weeks and cutting back cardio while still maintaining my strength routine. Late fall/early winter should be an ideal time for this since I’ll probably naturally be cutting back on cardio due to the cold/early sunset and should have heavier lifts at that point.

The bottom line: after 365 days, I’ve learned so much and come a really long way in my attitudes toward food, exercise, and my body. After nearly 3 years of blogging about my weight loss and general health and fitness, I feel like I finally get it. It’s about feeling good and being happy. Liking the way you look is just an added bonus.

A Quick Ramble

I know I keep saying I'm working on a real post.. and I am.. it's just taking some time. I'm feeling very ADD lately and can't seem to keep on track, plus work has been a living hell. I'm beginning to feel like I'll never be un-busy again... and while if it was just a constant stream of tasks that made the day go by faster, that would be one thing. But instead it's been constant high-stress that's making me feel like I'm drowning in wretchedness.

That being said, I've been reading The Primal Blueprint over the last couple weeks and last night I realized something: I have to stop.

I have to stop "educating" myself. Not permanently, but I need to take a break. I'm getting so stressed out about doing the "right" thing, and I'm losing touch with doing the right thing for me.

A little insight into what Primal Blueprint is: it's essentially Paleo, but with a little more flexibility. You are encouraged to eat lots of good fats and all types of proteins and enjoy fruits and vegetables as much as you wish. Dairy and alcohol are used in moderation. The idea is to keep carbs between 50 and 150 grams a day, but that none of these should come from processed grains/sugars. Basically: cut out grains and junk because they spike your insulin and make you feel icky as well as make your body a prime breeding ground for sickness and disease if you aren't careful.

This all makes total sense to me. Fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar makes you fat. I feel like this is a pretty well-known fact at this point. But while it all makes total sense to me... I'm realizing I'm maybe not ready to give up my grains and processed junk food. And I don't have to be. I don't have to give those things up. Maybe someday I will be there, but I almost feel like since I got it in my head to give this primal eating thing a "try", I've been craving carbs and junk more than ever. What good does that do me?! It just makes me miserable!! And it's causing me to have somewhat of a binge/purge mentality. "If I eat this pizza and this bagel and this sugar cereal.. that's okay.. as long as I go run 3 miles tonight."

NO NO NO. A thousand times NO! Eat the pizza, eat the bagel, eat the sugar cereal IF you're hungry for it. Go run 3 miles IF you want to run 3 miles... not because you have to because of the stupid carbs.

I gotta just stop. I might need to quit tracking totally for a while. I know I've said this probably 100 times over the last several months, but seriously. I think it's starting to make me crazy. And I think I'm starting to want to have this "control" over my body and my diet because everything else is feeling so chaotic, and that's just not healthy.

August 3rd will mark my one year anniversary of logging food and exercise every day. And while there have been a few days here and there where not everything has been logged, those were few and far between. Even when I supposedly "took a break" from logging to try to get a handle on my total mental illness over it all -- I was still logging. Once I meet this one-year milestone, I am going to stop logging. I don't know for how long. I may set a date. I may start with my upcoming mini-vacation to see family in Arkansas. I'll be gone for four days. Four days, even if it's filled with restaurant food and beer galore, is not going to ruin 18 months of work. It's just not. It's a start.

*raises a glass (of water)* TO RECLAMING MY MENTAL HEALTH!!

Real quick...

I know I owe you all a real post... and I've had one coming together in my head for several days now... but for the moment I'll just leave you with this:

(all photos taken 7/8/2013 (c) copyright Jess vs Life)

I want to say that I'm unbelievably happy with these pictures. I look bangin' even with some whey protein bloat going on. One of these days I'll remember to take a morning body pic instead of a 9pm-post-workout-post-protein-shake pic.

I leave for the beach this week and that means one of two things:
1. I'll have free time to put together one or more decent blog posts
or
2. I'll completely ignore the internet and be busy doing beachy things

We'll just have to see how much it rains while we are there... ;)

And the years go by so fast...

It's July already. Half the year is over. How is this happening?! I feel like I'm living in warp speed this year...

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, you guys – but seriously. When am I going to get my shit together?

And surprise, surprise: I’m thinking about switching up my strength routine again. I started Stronglifts at the end of April and had some hiccups and do-over’s along the way. I’ve reached about the 2 month point, which seems to be where I start getting bored. Well, that’s happening. I’m also not progressing the way I would have liked (probably due to the amount of junk food I still eat), and am having a hard time keeping focused. Back in April when I essentially quit New Rules of Lifting for Women to switch to Stronglifts, I thought long and hard on what was making me do that. Was it that NROLFW was boring? Yes and no. It was mostly that I just didn’t want to dedicate 50-90 minutes of my evening to it 3 times a week… because it was kind of boring.

I’ve been sort of obsessing over this bodyweight training idea… it seems to be a very “big” thing right now in the MFP lifting community, and part of me is sitting here thinking, “What good does it do me to be able to bench press 100+ lbs if I can’t even do a single “real” push-up?” and the answer I keep coming back to is: it doesn’t do you any damn good at all, Jess. So, I’ve pulled a handful of beginner/intermediate bodyweight routines from the Great and Powerful Internet and am going to follow one or more of those for the next few weeks and see how that goes and see how long until I get bored.

I’ve kept up with my running intervals pretty well. I’m not always getting them in twice a week, but I’m getting regular walks in so that’s okay.

I talked about some subconscious stressors last post and those things are still issues, but mostly I think I’m getting too wrapped up in the small (minute, even) details of every aspect of trying to be “healthy” and so I’m constantly feeling like I’m not doing “enough”. That is ridiculous and needs to stop. Even as I type that I’m obsessing over whether or not I should have eaten that doughnut this morning. The answer is obviously “no”, as doughnuts offer almost no nutritional value whatsoever. But you know what? I haven’t eaten a doughnut in… a month? 2 months? I couldn’t even tell you. So is it really important? No. It’s not. And it was delicious. So there.

It may be my sort of crazy/delicate emotional state talking right now, but: I’m feeling like I may be on the edge of a diet/fitness breakdown. And by “breakdown”, I mean quitting. Everything. No calorie tracking, no exercising, no nothing.

That obviously accomplishes nothing but guaranteeing a longer period of depression and stress.

So my compromise to myself is that I’m going to stop stressing out about every little tiny thing and just focus on these principals:

• Be happy
• Be healthy
• Be active

Being happy means not beating myself up about every little slip-up, eating the damn doughnut if I really want it, and sometimes taking two or three rest days in a row to read a little extra/spend some time with the husband/visit with friends and family.

Being healthy means being conscious of what my emotional needs are at any given time and allowing myself the time and effort to take care of myself emotionally even if that may feel like it’s at the expense of my physical fitness (which it generally isn’t). It means being conscious of what I’m putting into my body and eating foods that make me feel good physically instead of emotionally. “Feed your body, not your belly.” Being healthy also means making sure I allow myself to get enough sleep, to say “no” to socializing if I’m not really up for it, and to regulate my alcohol intake which in turn will help regulate my cigarette intake.

Being active means keeping up with the exercise routines that make me happy and are enjoyable for me. If it starts feeling like I regularly have to force myself (outside of the normal moments of lacking motivation) to complete an exercise/workout/activity, then it’s time to reevaluate and maybe switch things up a bit. It also means just moving more in general – parking further out in the parking lot at the grocery store, getting up from my desk at work to just walk around the office real quick, getting lunch break walks in weather permitting, running around outside with my kids more often, etc. These are easy things that I’m already doing most days that definitely boost my mood and energy level.

You’ll probably notice I whittled my “Priorities” list down to simply two things: quit watching so much damn television, and get more sleep. The meal planning stuff I have down pretty well right now. I have a go-to dish list that I use in emergencies and my fridge/freezer/pantry are regularly stocked with the items used in those dishes.

Let’s revisit June Goals real quick:

• Take progress pics/measurements and weigh-in every 2 weeks – I have been decent about weighing in, not so good with pictures/measurements. I did measurements roughly about a week ago and I’m down a quarter inch on all torso measurements. Biceps/forearms/thighs/calves all stayed the same.
• Keep up with cardio twice a week – I’m a-okay on this. Doing run intervals once or twice a week and walking 3-4 times a week.
• QUIT SMOKING – putting pressure on myself to quit during a time of the year when I normally smoke the most was causing a ridiculous amount of stress and a seemingly never ending self-hate cycle. This is on the back-burner right now. Judge all you want in thinking this should be health priority numero uno, but it’s just not for me right now. Deal.

I’m happy to have my simplified goals for July. These may remain goals until I can calm myself and quit hyper-obsessing and stressing myself out. That doesn’t get me closer to my goals in any way.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday weekend! Happy belated 4^th!