NOT staying on track... at all..

Okay, so first of all let me going ahead and throw out stats for the last, what? 3 days? Geez louise...

10/26:

• total calories: 1538
• calories burned: 300 - 2 mile walk with Keeley, we got it done in just under half an hour! We were hoofin' it!
• 7 cigarettes - politcal conversations with the hubby make for lots of smoking. heh.
• 12am bedtime
• nothing spent

10/27:

• total calories: 1276 - went out for sushi with my Dad for dinner.. sushi is SUPER low in calories!!
• calories burned: 220 calories - walked with my dad for about 45 mins. after dinner.
• 4 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime
• nothing spent - dad's treat for sushi!

10/28:

• total calories: 1831 - WORST DAY EVER. I got sent to this horrible seminar/schmooze event for work... it was awful... and they had catered in for lunch. The sandwiches and stuff weren't too horrible as far as I could tell for calories... but I had a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie and like this tiny itty bitty double fudge brownie thing. And that right there I estimated at easily being about 400 calories. Stupid catered food... 
• no workout/walk
• 6 cigarettes
• 11:30pm bedtime
• $5 spent on beer w/ friends ($30 left for the week)

Well, I originally started this post thinking, "Geez, I haven't exercised hardly at ALL this week.." but then when I was looking at my food/fitness tracker I realized I'd completely forgot about the walk with my Dad Wednesday night - so maybe I'm not doing so bad after all. 

I'm seriously considering going to get a gym membership after work today. With the weather getting colder and the days getting shorter I know my motivation to get my cardio done at home is going to plummet - and shortly after I give up on cardio I know I'll give up my resistance training too. It's a really vicious cycle for me every Fall/Winter. 

I'm so proud of all you other fitness bloggers out there and your amazing accomplishments over the last month! Hopefully I will catch up to you at some point here.. it makes me wonder sometimes if maybe I've got some kind of body chemistry imbalance going on that makes it harder to lose weight. Although I'm sure my inability to really follow any kind of diet plan to a "t" and my inconsistent workouts are more to blame than anything else. 

Oh well. 

Onward!!

struggling..

For some reason I have just NOT wanted to update my blog. I think this may have to do with a subconscious feeling of failing, and guilt over not sticking to what I originally laid out for myself. Maybe I took it too quickly. Maybe I made my goals too large or too over-the-top. Maybe I'm just a lazy loaf who doesn't want to have to exercise and eat right every moment of every day to look and feel my best. WHO KNOWS?! I'm think it's probably more of the latter than anything else...

So I bought that new scale... if we all remember... rated number 1 by Consumer Reports for accuracy and consistency... well I got on that scale yesterday morning and it informed me that my weight is.. 206lbs. *deflated*

I don't think I gained any weight, but I think my old scale was just off by 5lbs. - oh well. So, my "new" weight is 206lbs. Maybe this means I was quite a bit heavier than I thought I was to begin with. It's still an accomplishment! At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'd really like to hit the Dr's office or the gym where they have those big scales... a REAL scale. Oh well.

I totally forgot/didn't have time to take measurements. I've been really bad about that. But my clothes continue to fit better everyday, so there must be SOME improvement there.

Body stats for Week 3
Weight: 206lbs.
Waist measurement: TBD

Stats for 10/25:

• total calories: 1686
• calories burned: 200 - did 15 mins of circuit training, wasn't able to get my walk in. Poop.
• cigarettes: 2
• 11:30pm bedtime
• $5 on lunch ($35/week, $44/month)

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my body right now -- according to several different sites my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate or daily energy expenditure) with a "light activity level" is between 2400-2500 calories... I'm regularly keeping my calorie intake below 1800 regardless of if I'm working out or not. I should be losing roughly about a pound to a pound-and-a-half a week. I'm worried I'm not really losing anything, and I think that's probably due to my general lack of discipline. :-\   I lost 2 pounds that first week doing the jump-start.. at least I THINK I did... that could have been because my batteries in my old scale were getting ready to die and it wasn't working properly... but.. anyway.. ugh. I feel like I maybe need a do-over. 

I'll post my weekly goals a little later.

The post of a thousand updates!

4 days worth of stats for you guys... I really have to get better of posting on the weekends, it's just so hard for me 'cause we keep to busy! :-\

stats for Thurs. 10/21:

• total calories: 1933 - had Arby's for lunch which tasted HORRIBLE to me.. I think I may have finally broken my addiction to fast food. 
• calories burned: 400 - another 3 mile walk! Took it a little slower this time due to feeling nauseous and having a terrible headache.
• 9 cigarettes - went out for beers.. this always breaks me.
• 12am bedtime
• $18 spent between lunch and going out.

stats for Fri. 10/22:

• total calories: 1627 - ate healthy all day with the exception of having a cookie. I need to really reign in my sugar intake again - I'm starting to bargain with myself on that and I feel the most important part of this lifestyle change is breaking that addiction to processed sugars.
• calories burned: 0 - I did not get a workout in. Mike had already left for the weekend, I was exhausted, I had to get my parents dog and bring him to the house and James's Fall Festival for his daycare was also this night, so I petered out on motivation. :-\
• 7 cigarettes
• 12:30am bedtime - not bad for a Friday, not bad at all.
• $6 spent on subway for lunch

stats for Sat. 10/23:

• total calories: 1791 - I went to a potluck on Saturday, and I just have to give myself a pat on the back for a moment because I seem to do incredibly well with my eating at parties. In fact, I think I'm more likely to binge at home by myself than at a party where there is plate after plate after plate of delicious high fat/sugary foods. The only reason my calorie count was over 1200 was due to the amount of wine I consumed. 
• calories burned: 0 - no workouts on weekends
• I'm not even sure how many cigarettes I smoked.. a LOT. Ugh.
• 2am bedtime - this KILLED ME. James didn't go to sleep until 11pm at our friend's house, which in retrospect, I should have just left when I realized he wasn't going to bed like he was supposed to.. but instead I got him to sleep and then stayed until about 1am. :-\  Live and learn.
• $0 spent

and finally.....

stats for Sun. 10/24:

• total calories: 1604 - I picked up some Newman's Own frozen pizza for dinner, and MAN! That stuff is good! And super good for you. :)
• no workout
• 4 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime - had to stay up and catch up with hubby since I missed him so much!
• $0 spent ($12 leftover from this week/$44 left for the month)

I think I'm finally starting to reach my "I'm sick of smoking" phase. The only reason I'm doing it at this point is out of social habit - I was very social this week, hence the reason I smoked pretty much everyday. 

Things I want to focus on this week:

- cutting further back on smoking

- getting back on top of my processed sugar intake

- getting enough fiber (I don't think I reached my RDA for fiber ONCE this week - that's really bad)

- working out or walking consistently 5 days a week

- earlier bedtime during the work week

- cutting back alcohol intake on weekends

to intensity... and beyond!

Yesterday I did 45 minutes of circuit training... while watching How To Train Your Dragon - which was probably the best idea I've ever had because that 45 minutes of sweating my ass off and working out to intensity felt amazing because I wasn't really paying attention to the "pain" of my workout, but more about keeping good form and watching the movie. It was awesome!

Keeley and I are going to walk tonight again - I can't wait!

Stats for 10/20:

• total calories: 1639 - I made some jamaican-style jerk chicken with some brown rice, steamed asparagus and parsnips, it was SUPER delicious. I'm definitely going to have to pick up more of that marinade. I got it from Wegmans (which is the greatest grocery store in the history of grocery stores), so if you guys like spicy stuff I recommend picking some up!
• calories burned: 500 - !!!! I know, right?! Circuit training is brilliant. 
• cigarettes - 6
• 11:30pm bedtime
• $0 spent ($35 for the week/$44 for the month)

Walks!

Why, oh why, do I discover how much I looooooove walking when it's about to get too cold and miserable to do anything but hide under the covers all day long everyday?!

Stats for 10/19:

• total calories: 1486 - I did amazing today! I'm really proud of myself for getting right back on track. I did veer away from clean foods to indulge in a Taco Bell taco, but it didn't even taste good to me... so small chance of that happening again. The rest of the I did really well with my clean eating/avoiding processed sugars.
• calories burned: 450 - I walked 2.9 miles with Keeley last night and it felt amazing! We kept a real quick pace the whole time, and took a hilly route to get the best workout out of it. I wish it wasn't raining today because I'd definitely like to go again, but it'll probably do me good to focus on weight training anyway.
• 2 cigarettes
• 11:30pm bedtime - I'm getting a little more consistent with my weekday bedtimes which definitely make a difference in my attitude and energy level.
• $5 spent for lunch ($35 left for the week/$44 for the month)

I finally caught up on my shows last night - an episode of Boardwalk Empire and 2 weeks worth of Gray's Anatomy. It felt nice to just have a night at home. I feel like I've been running around all over the place lately, especially with James's birthday party... and then 3 MORE DAYS of birthday celebrations and get together's. Uggh. I've had enough birthday to last a lifetime, I feel like. 

Very exciting!!!

Real quick - stats for 10/18:

• total calories: 1956 - did much better on my calorie intake today... mcdonalds and all... god I hate mcdoanlds, but when it's your kid's 5th birthday and that's why he wants for dinner - so be it. Oreo McFlurry and all. -.-
• calories burned: 0 - no workout, no time. Total poop. Going on a walk tonight with my girl Keeley, though. Maybe some jogging in there too. We'll see. 
• 5 cigarettes at mom's.. I finally quit buying my own at least...? heh
• 11:30pm bedtime - was so tempted to stay up and watch The Black Stallion on TCM in it's entirety, but resisted the urge by promising myself I would Netflix it.
• $0 spent ($40 left for the week)

Sooooo... I got on the scale this morning - 201lbs! 2 pounds since last week! Woo! ...and then (here is the really excited part) Mike and I had to do our physical for our life insurance and the nurse weighed me in (FULLY DRESSED) at 198lbs!!!!! I told her I was gonna just go ahead and determine her scale's reading as my "real" reading... lol. I also did a little research on bathroom scales today on a little site called ConsumerReports.org and the Taylor 7506 (available on amazon.com for all of $26) scored a 95% in overall accuracy and consistancy - the highest scoring out of the 9 digital scales tested. And the cheapest!! Needless to say I have one that will be arriving on my doorstep later this week... :D (Which leaves me $44 left for the month)

Sunday stats

Stats for 10/17:

• total calories: 2260 - I know, right?! Waaaay over.. it's been a hard weekend between James's birthday celebration and my sister's birthday celebration... plus I was craving mexican hardcore Sunday at lunch and the only place Mike and I could agree on was Qdoba. Delicious. But good for you? Hardly. My burrito bowl came out to about 1000 calories. EEESH. Chipotle is way better for you I think... I read something recently that said one of the keys to success with weight loss and a healthier lifestyle in general is to move passed the guilt - to except your mistake, own it, and just move on and do better the next day instead of harping on it in your mind and obsessing which leads to more bad choices. 
• calories burned: no workout 
• 5 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime
• $7 spent ($0 left)

I'm getting worse and worse with the smoking. It's not even something I enjoy doing anymore. I really just need to buck up and let it go. 

Goals for the week of Oct. 18-24
- clean eating mon-fri
- some form of exercise 5 days a week, whether that be a workout dvd or going for a mile or more walk
-no more than 8 cigarettes a day
- focus on positive thinking/letting go of guilt over cheating
-write out goals for getting healthy (this is a carry-over from last week because I never quite accomplished it)
-blog everyday!!

Birthday party fun!

We had the kiddo's birthday party yesterday -- which included pizza (I've eaten so much pizza lately I want to die) and cupcakes. Oh well. It's his freaking birthday. Calorie-wise I didn't do bad at all. It was just the amount of sugar that did the most damage I'm sure - and not drinking enough water.

Stats for 10/16:

• total calories: 1660
• calories burned: not sure - did a lot of running around/playing at the pumpkin patch before coming home for pizza/cake/presents. Probably around 200 maybe? 
• 5 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime - really good for a saturday!
• $0 spent

The weekend has been a bit of a splurge... we covered some of that yesterday. :-\  I'm little scared to get on the scale tomorrow... I'm fully expected to have gained back the 2lbs I had lost and maybe more. We'll just have to wait in see. I'm trying to think positive thoughts!!

two days worth

of beer... seriously. Hold on, we'll get to that in a moment... first of all:

stats for 10/14:

• total calories: 2000 - we went to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. Yes. I'm a cheater. A big fat healthy-eater-cheater. I'm not doing so well on this "clean" eating deal. :-\
• calories burned: 200 - I went for a 1.5 mile walk with my friend Stacy, kudos to me for exercising even though I didn't have time to do an actual "workout" after work! 
• 3 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime
• $0 spent

stats for 10/15:

• total calories: 1968 - another day of pretty much hitting my calories intake limit. I also skipped meals on Friday. I ate a foot-long turkey sub from Subway and then didn't eat dinner... but DID go out and drink 900 calories worth or beer. 900 CALORIES WORTH OF BEER!! That is ridiculous. And I'm completely disgusted with myself. No wonder I gained so much weight over the Fall/Winter last year... because I was regularly drinking 4 or 5 beers a night because I wasn't working, and really, what was stopping me? I'm disgusted with myself. Plus I drank too fast and got really sloppy drunk and my husband had to babysit me. I'm embarrassed, but everything is a learning experience... and this girl learned: do not skip dinner and then drink beer like it's water. Especially while working toward a healthier life-style.
• calories burned: 300 - went for a half hour hike at a local park after work, it was SO BEAUTIFUL and peaceful and I really enjoyed myself. It was almost a bit like meditation for me. 
• 10 cigarettes
• 2am bedtime
• $20 spent ($7 left)

I'm overall pretty disappointed with myself for Thurs and Fri -- yes, Weds night I had a couple (small) slices on veggie pizza on my friend's house, but that didn't really feel like a total diet bust to me. It was my breakdown Thurs night with Chuck E. Cheese and then Friday with skipping meals and drinking excessively that felt really terrible. I'm incredibly proud of myself for walking Thurs night and going for that short hike Fri, however. I made sure to get some exercise in even though I didn't really have the opportunity to do one of my workout videos. I think as long as the weather stays fairly mild I will continue to take a couple days a week to go for walks and such rather than bouncing around in front of a dvd.

I have to say that this "diet" has been much harder for me than I thought it would be. I hate referring to it as a diet, because it's not, it's a lifestyle change. Mon, Tues and Weds evening I was STARVING - this is a huge part of what lead me to "cheat" with that veggie pizza Weds night even though it was still a pretty "clean" choice. I'm eating the correct portions and the amounts of proteins/fats/carbs.. I just feel like I'm not supposed to have a hard time falling asleep at night because my stomach is growling and then waking up sick to my stomach with hunger in the mornings. Maybe it's just that adjustment process? Or maybe it's just that being as tall as I am, and at 203lbs my body requires simply 2600 calories a day to exist and maintain this weight... and now after workouts my net calories for the day are sometimes as low as 1100... I feel like that's extreme. And then I think, "Well, maybe I can eat more of those clean foods during the week so I'm not so hungry all the time leading me to cheat." - I also feel really proud of myself for cutting processed sugar out of my diet almost completely and feel like perhaps that's the most important thing to focus on here. If I want to eat more than 4 oz of shrimp because 20 mins after I've finished my meal I'm still starving.. or perhaps add a salad to my meat/grain/steamed veggie meal to stave off that hunger...but then I worry that maybe I'm just bargaining with myself.

Do you guys think I'm just trying to bargain with myself so I don't feel so guilty for not following the plan to a T?

Oops!

So I just realized I totally forgot to post yesterday - mostly because I wrote my post about a thousand times in my head.. but it never quite made it to the internet. Heh.

Stats for 10/13:

• total calories: 1746 - I really struggled with my "diet". I was completely starving even after having eaten all of my meals and my am/pm snacks. I broke down and ate some pizza over at a friend's house later in the evening - but it was veggie AND thin crust, so it didn't bust my calorie intake at all. Not even close. Score!
• calories burned: 250 - did arms and abs and boy was I sore yesterday. Laughing even hurt, but in a good way! Pain is gain. 
• 4 cigarettes - this week has been a "bad" week for me. I've smoked pretty much everyday, even though in small amounts.
• 1am bedtime - but totally worth it. Had a blast Weds night.
• $5 spent on cigs ($27 left for the weekend!!!)

Quick stats - I'm not really in the mood for posting

Stats for 10/12:

• total calories: 2000 - right at my mark. I added in an extra protein shake which put my right at the limit.
• calories burned: 250 - JW leg workout, EESH! Very sore today, but I still did my arms/abs this afternoon and am super proud of myself for that.
• 6 cigarettes while having coffee with my friend John.. and fiending pretty bad for one right now, not gonna lie. I'm feeling a little depressed/stressed which always make me want to smoke.
• 11:30pm bedtime
• $2 spent for coffee ($32 left for the week)

I was really excited to workout yesterday when I got home. I had done my full-body workout Monday, and my arms were killing me, but wasn't really feeling it in my legs so much... I may have mentioned this already in yesterdays post... so I did the leg workout and it was SO HARD. I'm definitely feeling it today. Did arms/abs today will probably do legs again tomorrow and total body Friday. I'm really thinking about joining the gym - I'm dying to get on an elliptical and use some weight machines instead of doing these videos.. ain't that always the way?

SUPA SORE

First things first - I weighed myself first thing this morning... still at 203lbs. No weight loss this week. I'm pretty sure I can thank my shit eating at the end of last week for that, and probably the pairing of that shit eating with skipping meals. Live and learn. I did not have a chance to do measurements - I will try to get those done either later today or tomorrow morning (for the waist at least).

So yesterday I had posted that I didn't think I would have a chance to do my workout since we were going our to dinner for birthday celebrations... well, I forced myself to leave work right at 4:30pm and go home and workout before I picked the kiddo up and headed to dinner. I felt so good about myself for doing that! I was almost late for dinner - but the rush around was worth knowing I got my 400 calorie burn in. Especially since we had dinner at Outback Steakhouse... where almost everything on the menu is 1'000 calories or more. -.-

Stats for 10/11:

• total calories: 1746 - I stuck to my choice of salmon w/ steamed veggies for my dinner at Outback. I did have bites of Bloomin' Onion (I can hear JW screaming at me now, "NO FRIED FOOD. At all. Not even a BITE!!"), and I had a bite of desert. But seriously. Just bites. Maybe 1/10th of a serving size. I'm going to try not to stress too much about that... but I also am trying to keep in mind that a "couple bites" everyday add up to mucho extra calories over the course of a week. 
• calories burned: 400 - I AM SO SORE TODAY!! My arms. They kill me. I used the weights with the work out yesterday and my poor arms felt fatigued for like 3 hours afterward. Today I think I'll do the 15mins leg routine because I'm not feeling much in my legs at all today. 
• 4 cigarettes - didn't make it to Thursday this week. Derek and Melinda stopped by last night.. and well... that was the end of that. I'm such a social smoker it's ridiculous. Basically I need to just get all my friends to quit smoking and then I'll be good to go. lol
• 11:15pm bedtime... then my husband came home from his football outing and kept me up till almost 1am. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning sometimes, but once I actually get up I do just fine. I just really want to get that 7-8 hours in because I know getting enough sleep is a huge key to successful weight loss.
• $6 spent on lunch ($34 left for the week - dinner was free thanks to the in-laws!)

Perhaps some of you have picked up on the fact that Monday is "Taco Bell Day" around here.. Mike and Alex loooooove Taco Bell so on Monday we always go. This Taco Bell day sucked for me - not gonna lie. I stuck to my clean eating. I ordered a steak taco salad without rice. I had never had their dressing before, tasted it, thought it was disgusting so instead dumped 3 packets of their hot sauce on it. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't delicious either. I would have much rather eaten a 7-layer burrito sans rice, but I had already gotten my "fats" in with my apples w/ peanut butter snack that morning so the guacamole would have been a no-no. Perhaps on Mondays I'll just start bringing plain fruit for my morning snack so that I can have the 7-Layer burrito when we have Taco Bell... of course than there's the dilemma of the tortilla...

Okay, so packing lunch on Mondays it is! lol

Eep... and eff

Let me start with stats... 10/10:

• total calories: 1252 - yeah, now you see what my title was all about... waaaaay too few calories for one day. That's a good way to send my body spiraling into store-fat mode. 
• 0 calories burned - no workout
• 0 cigarettes - here we go another Sun-Thurs success lol
• 11pm bedtime
• $0 spent

I intended to weigh myself and take measurements this morning but I forget until after I'd already eaten breakfast and I was running super late for work anyway - tomorrow hopefully I'll have a chance to get this done. 

I had originally said in my post yesterday that I was going to do my JW workout dvd Mon, Weds, Fri - but that may end up being Tues, Thurs, Sat instead since today is my brother-in-law's birthday and we're going out to dinner for that at 6pm. This should also be interested since I started my clean eating today and we're going to Outback Steakhouse, which is pretty much the worst restaurant you can possibly choose to eat at... I decided earlier I'd be having the salmon with steamed veggies - y'know, trying to do a good thing by keeping my meal below 700 calories. -.- RICIULOUS!!!  Even if I wanted to have half a steak I couldn't because that with just a house salad and some veggies would have run me almost 1'000 calories and some 40 grams of fat. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY PUTTING IN THIS MAGICAL FAT SALAD?!

Anyhoo - we'll see how it goes. I had lunch at Taco Bell today.. had a steak salad without rice or salad dressing - just a bunch of sauce packets, and it was pretty delicious as well as being under 300 calories. I normally eat at home during the work week so the rest of this week should be okay. Just gotta work on getting into that workout routine again!

Weekend Stats

I'm sorry I'm so bad about updating on weekends - we just seem to keep so busy and when we're not busy I'm trying to catch up on sleep. lol

Stats for Friday 10/8:

• total calories: 1919 - I did pretty well considering I had Wendys for lunch (which made me totally sick to my stomach, I think I mentioned that in Friday's post though) and some of my mom's homemade frito chili pie for dinner. I went waaaaay over my sodium intake for the day, but I'm not going to stress too much over that. I also had a coke with my lunch which put me right at my processed sugar intake, which again, I'm not going to stress over.
• calories burned: 0 - no work out 'cause we stayed at mom's til 8:30pm, but I'm okay with that. Family time was needed.
• 3 cigarettes while at mom's
• 12:30 bedtime - not too bad for a Friday night!
• $7 spent at Wendys ($4 left for the weekend)

Stats for Saturday 10/9:

• total calories: 1731 - ate dinner at mom's again.. burgers on the grill! yum! would have been even more yum had they not been those frozen Bubba patties.. don't get me wrong, they're tasty, but SUPER BAD FOR YOU. Anyway. I didn't get up until noon on Saturday so I only ate breakfast and dinner (skipping meals again - weekends are hard for me on that aspect) which helped keep my calories in check. I also indulged in a couple glasses of wine - rose' is delicious! First time I'd ever had it. I may have to invest in a bottle or two.
• calories burned: 0 - no workouts on weekends.
• maybe 8 or 9 cigarettes - once again, didn't keep count. It may have been a lot less than that actually. Gotta be better about keeping track of this.
• 1am bedtime - again not too bad for a weekend night. It would have been much earlier but I stayed up watching Ron White on Comedy Central - love him!
• $0 spent - yay! $4 to carry over into next week.

 I felt much better Saturday and today after eating a little bit more healthy. Tomorrow I start the 5-2 plan.. 5 days of clean eating, and then 2 cheat meals for the weekend. I'm actually really looking forward to it.

So goals for week of Oct. 11-17:

• stick to clean eating Mon-Fri
• do JW workouts Mon, Weds, Fri
• no more than 10 cigarettes a day
• write out goals for getting healthy/weight loss

I'm excited to start this week and get on a regular workout routine again. I'm hoping within another couple weeks I will no longer be between sizes in my jeans.. nothing more obnoxious than that. My 18s are WAY too big and my 16s are just tight enough to be uncomfortable for more than a couple hours. FRUSTRATING.

So even though I've already been focusing on exercise and healthy eating for 2 weeks now, I'm still considering this coming week Week 1 of my new healthy life! Here we go!

That little voice

We all have it. The little voice in the back of our heads that tells us either to do something or not do something.

Mine recently has been telling me it's okay to put a bunch of CRAP into my body - whether that be food, drink, or inhalants (ie: smoking).

Sunday night I was really craving some chinese food - now I did a somewhat honorable thing for myself and got shrimp with lots of veggies (even though it was in a brown sauce that probably had a lot of sugar in it) and requested brown rice instead of white or fried. Plus I got some egg drop soup which is actually one of the things good old JW recommends over anything else if you choose to eat Asian cuisine. So, it started off slowly with the choice of Chinese.. then one day this week I pretty much completely skipped a meal which is a BIG NO-NO, then Weds night I smoked - A LOT, and last night not only did I skip dinner but I ordered MOZZARELLA sticks at the bar and proceeded to drink more beer than I ever need AND smoke on top of that.

Needless to say, I felt like shit this morning. So what did I do today? Well I started out pretty good -- I had my usual oatmeal for breakfast and I decided to make a fruit shake for breakfast as well. *thumbs up*

...then I had a donut at work.

...and then I had a spicey chicken combo from Wendy's for lunch... almost the worst thing on the menu. I would have been better off getting the cheeseburger single combo... or if I really needed to do the spicey chicken there was no reason I couldn't have opted for a side salad instead of fries, but did I? No.

Now I'm feeling really sick to my stomach. Duh, gee, I wonder why?! My body is totally rejecting all this junk food/sugar. I'm trying really hard not to start that negative inner-monologue. It's okay to splurge every now and then. Plus starting next week I'll be allowed my cheat meals on the weekends so it's okay to eat this kind of stuff in moderation.. but with the way I feel right now I'm not sure that I really want to lol! Maybe that's the point... eh?

stats for 10/7:

• total calories: 1702 - including beers and mozz sticks... but remember I didn't eat any real dinner.
• calories burned: 380 - did a 30 min JW workout today! MAN! That shit kicked my butt!! I loved every minute of it. :)
• cigarettes: probably 9 or 10, I wasn't really counting
• 1am bedtime - SO BAD
• $10 spent ($11 left for the week)

Contrasting feelings

Yesterday I had this really upbeat, happy post - all about how I'm losing pounds and inches and feeling good about myself - and then I realize today I've been kind of depressed all week... manic much? I feel really good about my healthy eating and the workouts I'm (slowly) incorporating into my daily life.. but on a lot of other levels I've been feeling pretty down. Doesn't that seem weird? I feel like that's kind of weird... oh well.

Stats for 10/6:

• total calories: 2000 - yup, I hit my limit. It was the beers at the end of the night.
• calories burned: 0 - no workout, took a nap instead.. sooo bad. I felt a little down on myself for that. 
• cigarettes: 9 - I broke!! And I felt like crap this morning for it... it's a slow process but I'm getting there. What has really not been helping me is all the outside pressure from my friends to "just quit". The more pressure I feel to get it done the less I want to do it. I'm ornery like that. Obstinate even.
• 12:30am bedtime - another thumbs down.
• $14 spent on smokes and a case of beer. ($21 left for the week)

I need to be better about my bedtimes. Seriously. I need to just make the change, just make it happen. Even for the weekends. As someone's mother used to say I'm sure, "Nothing good ever happens after 2am."  This is a true fact. I have many stories that prove this theory. 

Coming together

Well, this morning I went up/down (not quite sure how to phrase that) a belt notch!!! One notch skinnier! Woo! I also took my first shot at the JW workout videos yesterday afternoon -- I'm a liiiittle sore today, not gonna lie, and all I did was the 15 min workout. I'm looking forward to trying out the rest of them.

Stats for 10/5:

• total calories: 1547 - I didn't eat all that much but I felt sooooo full all day. I definitely had to force myself to get 3 meals in. Next week I start the 5-2 plan, and eating 5 times a day is gonna be rough for me I think. It's funny, when you're eating mostly fruits and vegetables you sure do get full fast and stay full longer. It's a good thing and a bad thing. 
• calories burned: 200 - this is just an estimate for the 15 min workout. It's high-intensity circuit training.. so I'm assuming it's right around 200, give or take.
• 0 cigarettes - day 3
• 11pm bedtime
• $20 on hand weights ($35 left for the week/$70 left for the month)

I've done really well on cigarettes this week however I'm supposed to go see my buddy play a show tonight and he's a smoker, plus everyone I know who might be there smokes.. it's gonna be tough for me. Weds/Thurs seems to always be my breaking point. 

I'm feeling really good about myself this week - I'm really trying to focus on the positive, I've even started doing positive affirmations ("You are getting stronger everyday, thinner everyday, healthier everyday" etc, etc.) in the mornings and evenings and I'm really trying hard to break my negative inner-monologue.. you know, that other you in your head that says things like, "Jesus, Jess. You think can get away wearing that shirt? Yeah right, fatty. Think again." and "Your belly is so disgusting.. it'll never look the way it did before the baby." etc, etc.. I literally have started calling myself out on that shit. It starts up and I'll just flat-out say out loud, "STOP." and give myself a compliment instead. I've only been doing this for a few days so we'll see how it eventually effects my overall outlook.

Progress - baby steps

Okay, so stats first today - for 10/4:

• total calories: 1504 - I was really surprised and proud of myself for not going over my sodium intake the yesterday... I had Taco Bell for lunch and then leftover chinese food for dinner.. oh, yes.. I forgot to mention yesterday I ordered some Kung Pao shrimp. Heh. The place I order from doesn't use any MSG and it's super low on the grease factor. Plus they stuff so many veggies into their dishes - I'm thinking not too bad health wise!
• calories burned: 0 - I did not make it out for a run yesterday. It was rainy and FREEEEEZING. Plus I'm still feeling a bit under the weather. :-\  Decided maybe it's best to rest the bod and get well instead of starting to feel better and then going for a hard run... and then hacking a lung up the rest of the night. Delicious. Also, with the chilly weather moving in I'm probably going to start using my work-out videos instead of running outside unless I can scrape together $50/mo for a gym membership here soon.
• 0 cigarettes - day 2
• 10:30pm bedtime - unfortunately at 11:30 my kid came into our room having puked all over himself and his bed.. so was up til about 1am dealing with that. Yuck. 
• $5 spent ($35 left for the week)

And now something very exciting... Weight/waist measurement for this week:

• 203lbs
• 37inches

!!!!!

I've lost 2 pounds and 2 inches in a week!!! Now, with the waist measurement.. I think I may have measured incorrectly the first time - so I'm not gonna get too excited about that since I may have not been at 39" to begin with. But 2 lbs is very exciting!!


I'm at home today with a sick kiddo, so the things I need to focus on today are drinking enough water (my 3 liters), getting my eggs in. I wasn't hungry for them this morning so I just had oatmeal, so maybe I'll have those for lunch - or I'll hard boil some and have them for a post-workout snack.

Fun fact: I had to turn my heat on this morning 'cause it was 58 degrees in my house. Oh, winter.. I feel you sneaking up, you sneaking sneak you.. -.-

Not-so-lazy Sundays..

I just want to start off saying that I found it incredibly difficult to keep up with my fruit and veggie intake over the weekend. I'm just not as hungry on the weekends as I am during the week and I have a tendency to skip meals which is a HUGE no-no! As I've been reading everywhere lately, if you skip a meal the next thing you eat is sent directly to fat stores. SUPER.

stats for 10/3:

• total calories: 1514 - I was really bad with my sugar intake today.. went to starbucks for breakfast and got a pumpkin scone AND a tall chai.. the chai alone isn't too bad, but the pumpkin scone put me over my sugar grams for the whole day by itself. Plus it wasn't even that delicious. I should have just waited to get home and fixed some oatmeal. Next time.
• calories burned: 0 - no workout on sunday
• 0 cigarettes - here we go again...
• 11pm bedtime
• $0 - Mike bought starbucks

I'm not really sure how I got through the day yesterday, honestly. We didn't go to bed until 2:30am Saturday night, then I got up about 8:30am to take the kiddo to his bio padre's, then I had to hit the grocery store because I didn't have any time at all on Saturday and by the time I did all that, started laundry, forced myself to eat some lunch, it was time for James to come home and the idea of a nap was out the window.. I could have gone to bed at 8pm and passed right now but.. but.. Boardwalk Empire!! It's my Sunday-night addiction. So I got in bed a little after 10, but then I stayed up until 11 watching Sister Wives on TLC.. I love that show, I really do. I'm a huge Big Love fan too, so are you really all that surprised? lol

Slacking and keeping busy...

Unfortunately I didn't really have a free moment to post yesterday... let me start with stats:

For 10/1:

• total calories: 1927 - my beer drinking is starting to put me pretty freaking close to my limit lol
• calories burned: 300
• 10 cigarettes, maybe more.. I wasn't really paying close attention. :-\
• 2am bedtime... sooooooo bad.
• $15 spent on lunch/going out ($0 left for week, $90 left for the month)

For 10/2:

• total calories: 1735
• calories burned: 0 - no workouts on sat/sun
• toooooo many cigarettes... but today I'm feeling like I never want to smoke again. Maybe that's a good thing?
• 2:30am bedtime... damn History channel having awesome things on so late at night!!
• $0 spent - woo!

Saturday was so so busy - we were out running around almost all day, then I had to crash out for an hour or so, and then I had to shower and get ready to head to my mom's for a dinner party thing. Stayed there way too late.. til about 1am.. and then stayed up til 2:30am watching History Channel... I love History Channel but I hate it all at the same time. I'm pretty exhausted today - and I'm beginning to think I'm never going to get rid of this chest cold. I have so much laundry to do it's not even funny, plus I need to run to the grocery store because I'm all out of produce and stuff and that's no good since that is mostly what I need to be eating. So... I guess I should probably go get groceries... like... now... heh.

A bunch of Garbage...

Last week I created a Garbage "station" on Pandora and I am really loving it! I may have to head to mom and dad's at some point this weekend and scoop up all my old cds so I can load them onto the iPod.

I went out last night for a bit, drank a couple beers, but I made sure to get a good dinner in so I wouldn't be tempted to order bar food. I LOVE bar food. It's one of my biggest weaknesses. But health-wise and budget-wise it's destroying me. I'm trying really hard to limit my alcohol intake, too. It's easy at home, but going out I have a hard time limiting to "just one". If I'm not drinking beer I want soda - and that's just as bad if not WORSE because of the sugar overload. Soooo.. yeah. Oh well. It may mean avoiding the bar scene temporarily or even permanently. :-\

Ok, so stats! 9/30/10:

• total calories: *whinces* 2300 - I know, I know, I know... most of those are beer calories though... otherwise I would have been just fine at 1910 for the day.
• calories burned: 300 - I've been estimating this and I really want to get a heart-rate monitor that will actually give me an accurate calorie count. Maybe I'll stop by Dick's Sporting Goods at lunch today and see if I can grab one for cheap-ish...
• 8 cigarettes - still under my goal of 10.. but I really really need/want to quit. Damn bar scene!!
• 12:30am bedtime.. way later than what I was shooting for. No self-control right here.
• $17 - ($5 leftover)

I think a big part of my multiple "bad things" last night is that I've been really down on myself the last few days. I've had lots of "fat days" lately.. and I know I'm working really hard to get there, to that thin place, and I know there's a rhyme and reason to the madness I'm putting myself through right now. The downward spiral really kicked into gear Weds night at the movies... I went to the ladies room and there was a full-length mirror.. now, I have a full-length mirror at home. I call it my Skinny Mirror because it's just a super cheap door mirror that isn't true at all, but it's distortion makes me look about 15lbs lighter than I am... and I love it. lol  But this movie-theatre mirror... it was def a true mirror. And I just looked at myself and thought "gross" and my jeans on top of that totally looked like MOM JEANS!! AHHHHHHH!!! *dies*  The version of me I still see in my head is 137lbs me. Not 205lbs me. And I really struggle sometimes with dressing to my size sometimes.. and sometimes what I think is going to look like a cute little hipster outfit really just makes me look like a fat girl who has delusions of thindom.

Another thing that's really bothering me is  the exercise routine for the jumpstart -- no weights. No resistance training at all. Just cardio. I feel like I'm losing all my tone. I get it that this is supposed to boost the fat-burning process and that it's pointless to have awesome muscles that are buried under fat, but it's just another contribution to my poor body-image this week. 

What's so silly about all of this is that I can feel a major difference over the last month -- my clothes are fitting better, I can comfortably wear certain pants that I haven't been able to squeeze into in almost a year. I can see the difference in my face. I have more energy, I'm happier in general and less stressed. It's just that ever-present feeling of "right now".. I want the 40lbs gone RIGHT NOW. I get it that it doesn't work that... my psyche just doesn't want to see it that way. heh.