I went out last night for a bit, drank a couple beers, but I made sure to get a good dinner in so I wouldn't be tempted to order bar food. I LOVE bar food. It's one of my biggest weaknesses. But health-wise and budget-wise it's destroying me. I'm trying really hard to limit my alcohol intake, too. It's easy at home, but going out I have a hard time limiting to "just one". If I'm not drinking beer I want soda - and that's just as bad if not WORSE because of the sugar overload. Soooo.. yeah. Oh well. It may mean avoiding the bar scene temporarily or even permanently. :-\
Ok, so stats! 9/30/10:
- total calories: *whinces* 2300 - I know, I know, I know... most of those are beer calories though... otherwise I would have been just fine at 1910 for the day.
- calories burned: 300 - I've been estimating this and I really want to get a heart-rate monitor that will actually give me an accurate calorie count. Maybe I'll stop by Dick's Sporting Goods at lunch today and see if I can grab one for cheap-ish...
- 8 cigarettes - still under my goal of 10.. but I really really need/want to quit. Damn bar scene!!
- 12:30am bedtime.. way later than what I was shooting for. No self-control right here.
- $17 - ($5 leftover)
I think a big part of my multiple "bad things" last night is that I've been really down on myself the last few days. I've had lots of "fat days" lately.. and I know I'm working really hard to get there, to that thin place, and I know there's a rhyme and reason to the madness I'm putting myself through right now. The downward spiral really kicked into gear Weds night at the movies... I went to the ladies room and there was a full-length mirror.. now, I have a full-length mirror at home. I call it my Skinny Mirror because it's just a super cheap door mirror that isn't true at all, but it's distortion makes me look about 15lbs lighter than I am... and I love it. lol But this movie-theatre mirror... it was def a true mirror. And I just looked at myself and thought "gross" and my jeans on top of that totally looked like MOM JEANS!! AHHHHHHH!!! *dies* The version of me I still see in my head is 137lbs me. Not 205lbs me. And I really struggle sometimes with dressing to my size sometimes.. and sometimes what I think is going to look like a cute little hipster outfit really just makes me look like a fat girl who has delusions of thindom.
Another thing that's really bothering me is the exercise routine for the jumpstart -- no weights. No resistance training at all. Just cardio. I feel like I'm losing all my tone. I get it that this is supposed to boost the fat-burning process and that it's pointless to have awesome muscles that are buried under fat, but it's just another contribution to my poor body-image this week.
What's so silly about all of this is that I can feel a major difference over the last month -- my clothes are fitting better, I can comfortably wear certain pants that I haven't been able to squeeze into in almost a year. I can see the difference in my face. I have more energy, I'm happier in general and less stressed. It's just that ever-present feeling of "right now".. I want the 40lbs gone RIGHT NOW. I get it that it doesn't work that... my psyche just doesn't want to see it that way. heh.
No comments:
Post a Comment