two days worth

of beer... seriously. Hold on, we'll get to that in a moment... first of all:

stats for 10/14:

• total calories: 2000 - we went to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. Yes. I'm a cheater. A big fat healthy-eater-cheater. I'm not doing so well on this "clean" eating deal. :-\
• calories burned: 200 - I went for a 1.5 mile walk with my friend Stacy, kudos to me for exercising even though I didn't have time to do an actual "workout" after work! 
• 3 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime
• $0 spent

stats for 10/15:

• total calories: 1968 - another day of pretty much hitting my calories intake limit. I also skipped meals on Friday. I ate a foot-long turkey sub from Subway and then didn't eat dinner... but DID go out and drink 900 calories worth or beer. 900 CALORIES WORTH OF BEER!! That is ridiculous. And I'm completely disgusted with myself. No wonder I gained so much weight over the Fall/Winter last year... because I was regularly drinking 4 or 5 beers a night because I wasn't working, and really, what was stopping me? I'm disgusted with myself. Plus I drank too fast and got really sloppy drunk and my husband had to babysit me. I'm embarrassed, but everything is a learning experience... and this girl learned: do not skip dinner and then drink beer like it's water. Especially while working toward a healthier life-style.
• calories burned: 300 - went for a half hour hike at a local park after work, it was SO BEAUTIFUL and peaceful and I really enjoyed myself. It was almost a bit like meditation for me. 
• 10 cigarettes
• 2am bedtime
• $20 spent ($7 left)

I'm overall pretty disappointed with myself for Thurs and Fri -- yes, Weds night I had a couple (small) slices on veggie pizza on my friend's house, but that didn't really feel like a total diet bust to me. It was my breakdown Thurs night with Chuck E. Cheese and then Friday with skipping meals and drinking excessively that felt really terrible. I'm incredibly proud of myself for walking Thurs night and going for that short hike Fri, however. I made sure to get some exercise in even though I didn't really have the opportunity to do one of my workout videos. I think as long as the weather stays fairly mild I will continue to take a couple days a week to go for walks and such rather than bouncing around in front of a dvd.

I have to say that this "diet" has been much harder for me than I thought it would be. I hate referring to it as a diet, because it's not, it's a lifestyle change. Mon, Tues and Weds evening I was STARVING - this is a huge part of what lead me to "cheat" with that veggie pizza Weds night even though it was still a pretty "clean" choice. I'm eating the correct portions and the amounts of proteins/fats/carbs.. I just feel like I'm not supposed to have a hard time falling asleep at night because my stomach is growling and then waking up sick to my stomach with hunger in the mornings. Maybe it's just that adjustment process? Or maybe it's just that being as tall as I am, and at 203lbs my body requires simply 2600 calories a day to exist and maintain this weight... and now after workouts my net calories for the day are sometimes as low as 1100... I feel like that's extreme. And then I think, "Well, maybe I can eat more of those clean foods during the week so I'm not so hungry all the time leading me to cheat." - I also feel really proud of myself for cutting processed sugar out of my diet almost completely and feel like perhaps that's the most important thing to focus on here. If I want to eat more than 4 oz of shrimp because 20 mins after I've finished my meal I'm still starving.. or perhaps add a salad to my meat/grain/steamed veggie meal to stave off that hunger...but then I worry that maybe I'm just bargaining with myself.

Do you guys think I'm just trying to bargain with myself so I don't feel so guilty for not following the plan to a T?