Deciding

I’ve decided to not be injured anymore.

That’s not to say that I’m magically healed. I’m not. I’m getting there, but likely still have another month or two before I’ll be back at 100%.

But what I mean is, I’ve decided to quit letting it drag me down. While I didn’t think I was really feeling so much that way anymore, some recent time to sit quietly with my thoughts and feelings has revealed otherwise. I’ve recently fallen back into some bad habits (outside of food/fitness stuff) which I’m now recognizing as a desperate grab for some kind of control over my life. For the last several months I “controlled” my exercise and food (although definitely more so the exercise), and when my back/leg started hurting I lost that. While I’ve been consistently in PT twice a week it’s been really difficult for me to look at that as “a workout”, even though that’s exactly what PT is.

Unfortunately I’ve reached a point where I can no longer afford to continue sinking money into physical therapy. I’ve struggled a lot with this over the last couple weeks – part of me felt like, “I’m on the road to recovery, they’ve done what they can do, I can’t keep spending the money”, while the other part of me said, “You’ve made such improvement in the last two weeks – surely just a couple weeks more and you’ll be almost back to normal. It would be a shame to quit now and delay your recovery!”

Well, that’s been almost two weeks ago now and while I’ve continued to improve, I’m not “almost back to normal” and my budget can’t take the strain anymore. I don’t even know what the real total will be at this point since my PT’s office hasn’t billed all my visits yet – but the few visits they’ve already billed the insurance, I’m looking at a remaining patient responsibility of over $600. I can no longer ignore the financial strain of continuing to go.

I’ve considered checking out either a chiropractor or massage therapist as an alternative, but I’m not fully decided on that factor. I hope that may be a bit cheaper (I know the massage would be, anyway), but I can’t be 100% sure until I start making some calls.

In the meantime, I have one more PT appointment scheduled for Thursday which I’ve decided to go ahead and attend, and I’ve decided to recommit myself to regular exercise. I did all right those first few weeks about continuing to walk almost daily, but then I started feeling sorry for myself and that all fell off. I guess not “all” – I’m still regularly walking on my lunch break. But my lunch break walks are quite a bit different than my more fast-paced, get-the-heart-rate-up walks I was doing in the evenings. I’m also healed to a point where I can do some strength training. I can do push-ups and even a few squats without pain. I think I may have even regained enough flexibility to do a little gentle yoga. As long as these activities remain pain-free, there’s no reason I can’t regularly start incorporating them into some sort of normal exercise regimen.

Getting back to exercise will be my main focus right now. I can’t even begin to tackle food. I’m more out of control with what I’m eating than I think I’ve ever been in my entire life. This is new territory for me, this level. I’ve considered ditching the calorie tracking (for the millionth time over the last year), but I’m also self-aware enough to know that this is me just trying to justify poor choices by not having to consistently SEE those poor choices reflected on my food diary. One thing I know about myself, though - if I’m putting the work into my body with exercise, it makes it 100 times easier to make better food choices. I’m hoping by putting my focus on the exercise, the food chaos will come around. In the meantime I’ll continue my daily tracking regardless of how often my macros are out of whack or my calories are above the goal line.

I know I’ve probably said this before… several times… but I’m hoping I can allow myself to take this as an opportunity to take things easy, start back at “beginner”, build a good foundation, and prevent future injury and burnout. While even the thought of starting from the beginning is frustrating to me (LIFT ALL THE HEAVY THINGS!! RUN ALL THE MILES!! EAT ALL THE PROTEIN!!), I need to use this whole experience as my “ah-ha” moment. It’s been hard to learn from all of this instead of just being angry and hateful toward myself. It’s been hard to not have the distraction of “the workout routine” from all these things bouncing around in my head regarding my life and my family and my goals as a human being. It’s been tough, but it’s also been good in a lot of ways.

So this is where I am, Readers. This recommitment also applies to this blog and a return to regular updates. As usual: stay tuned.

All or nothing?

So, I’ve been sitting here wondering to myself why I just can’t seem to make the scale move, and basically what that comes down to is this: I’m an idiot.

Here I’ve been feeling like I’ve been doing “pretty well” with my calorie/macro tracking, deciding that one (or two or three) high-cal days aren’t “hurting anything” because in my head it somehow magically balances out… but as I said, I’m an idiot.

My ass has essentially been eating at maintenance the last few weeks. Which is great in the sense that that means I’m no longer eating ABOVE maintenance and therefore no longer continuing to slowly gain weight – but it does mean that the scale and tape-measure are going to continue showing me the same results each month because I’m not putting myself in a deficit except maybe 3 days a week.

Now this is where it all gets a little tricky. A couple weeks ago I dove back into regular exercise pretty hardcore. I went from running once or twice a week and playing tennis once a week to running 3 or 4 times a week, playing tennis, and now this week reincorporating strength training. This may be TMI, but I’ll tell you my menstrual cycle is a wreck and doesn’t know what to do with itself, which is a pretty tell-tale sign that my hormones are going nuts. So while I’m regularly eating anywhere from 2500-3000 calories a day when my deficit goal is to eat between 2100-2300, the reason I’m eating that higher range is because I am all of a sudden starving all the time.

Now, I know I recently wrote that my appetite had been crappy and it was making it easier to eat less and eat better – but clearly my appetite has come back with a vengeance. I wish I could say it’s because my emotional health is doing better, but it’s not. In fact, some days I wonder if I’m worse than just a week or so ago. So the only thing I can figure is that increase in physical activity = spike in hunger and appetite. This is kind of a “duh”, but I just can’t believe with the amount of fat I packed on over the summer that my metabolism has somehow magically sky-rocketed into the 3,000’s TDEE level requiring me to be able to maintain a deficit while eating roughly 2500 calories a day. I mean, that would be nice and all – but it just doesn’t seem very realistic.

As most of you know, I recently started using the FitBit Flex again. According to that, with my increased activity levels over the last 2 weeks, I’m rocking about a 2800 calorie TDEE. Fine and dandy, but even so, I should not be “starving” at a 2100-2300 goal range. That’s ridiculous.

I’m incredibly frustrated right now. I struggle with consistency – in fact, it’s the one thing I’m consistent with – but I feel like during the times that I am consistent I should see some sort of progress. Sometimes I am consistent for months at a time! And still, nothing. Consults with my doctors over the last 8 months don’t show any type of hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues, pre-diabetes, etc. – any and all of which would be a reason that I find it so difficult to lose weight/fat. It makes me feel like I’m a just a lazy fatso with no self-control. I get caught up in this feeling of “it’s so easy for everyone else”, except I know that it isn’t. Everyone has their struggles. Everyone has to decide which sacrifices they’re willing to make. Then I think maybe I’m just not willing to make the necessary sacrifices. That is both true and untrue.

I wonder if my self-sabotage comes from a punishment place. I also wonder if my recent increase in exercise comes from a punishment place, as well. Part of it is definitely coming from a fear place. I’m terrified if I stop regularly running (at the very least) I’ll slip into an even deeper depression. About the only time I feel “good” these days is the 2 hours after a run or tennis - I honestly don’t remember if I got the same endorphin high after doing my strength circuits the other night. This is probably another reason why the impending winter is terrifying me. What will happen if I can’t get that regular cardio in? On top of my normal S.A.D.? That just seems like an emotional disaster waiting to happen.

So back to the food thing for a moment… I’ve decided effective immediately, I’m going to start following the Eat More 2 Weigh Less philosophy. I’m going to stick to my 2300 calories, unless I have an extremely high burn day. If at the end of 6 weeks I’ve seen zero change in either weight or measurements, then it’s time to adjust a little bit. There’s no reason I can’t do this for 6 weeks. It’s just really not that much time. I’m also thinking about getting back to either New Rules of Lifting or Female Body Breakthrough for weight training, since EM2WL strongly recommends heavy lifting.

Speaking of lifting… as I mentioned a couple paragraphs up, I did some strength circuits the other night. For those of you that follow my Instagram account, you know this nearly killed me. I’m back at square-one strength-wise and it’s got me feeling really dismayed. I am still sore from that workout and almost everything was simply bodyweight… the weighted exercises I found myself having to resort to my 8lbs dumbbells. This is what happens when you quit completely for a couple months and then ramp up the cardio. In Bro Speak: you kill gains. My gains are so dead right now. What’s even more upsetting is that I know I won’t be making very many new gains eating at a deficit… but, honestly, right now I’m in a real “run it off then bulk it up” mentality. That I can most certainly tell you comes from a punishment place. I love the running, don’t get me wrong. I already talked about how it helps keep my already-low mood somewhat stable. But I am feeling very “fuck it” right now with strength training. I want faster results, man. I couldn’t tell you if running with actually do this for me, since when I was training for my 5K I was holding fat like nobody’s business, but I’m really wanting to see some change on the scale.

I know, I know. Scale isn’t everything. I feel like I practically invented that mantra within my social circle. But right now the scale is everything to me and I want to see it move, damnit. And if that means I’m “skinny fat” at 170lbs, then so be it. If that means the scale bumps up to 180 when I start working toward strength gains and muscle hypertrophy, I’m okay with that. But right now I am so sick of flirting with 200lbs. 195 is too damn close. I’m over it. I can’t see that number anymore. It’s driving me insane. I can’t get right with it.

I wish I could say this talk is coming from my Deep Dark Depression Place, but really I think I was just lying to myself when I wrote that I could be “okay” with this weight and body aesthetic for the rest of my life. Who knows anymore?! Maybe I’ll start an anti-depressant, find a therapist that works better with me and offers me the tools I’m looking for, and get right with myself emotionally and all of a sudden love the hell out of this body I’m in. Part of me hopes that happens. But right now, punishment or not, something’s gotta give. And it sure as hell isn’t my mental state, so it may as well be my physical.

I’m not trying to say that being skinny or “cut” or whatever is going to magically make me happy or lower my stress levels or make me love my job more or make my kids behave better or make me more money, but at least I won’t have to feel so guilty about being fat anymore. At least that will be one thing I can cross OFF of my List of Failures.

…I’m sorry. This got kind of real dark real fast, and I didn’t intend that to happen. It ain’t all about skinny, it’s mostly about healthy. But it’s some about skinny, too. Just like the smoking and the drinking if driving, this needs to be a non-negotiable for me. I can’t give up on myself just because it’s easier to eat mini candy bars at work all day and follow that up with some Oreos or maybe Dairy Queen at night. Talk about punishment. Fuck. I deserve better than that. I deserve to eat those things sometimes because I really want to eat them, not because “I may as well”.

I deserve to be healthy and happy. And if I can’t be happy, I can at least make my best effort at healthy.

here comes my 19th nervous breakdown...

I must must MUST get better about updating my blog on a DAILY basis instead of this every other day routine I seem to be falling into.

So I bumped my caloric intake down for this week. I use MyPlate to track my calories and they have a little calculator that tells you how many calories you should eat to lose or gain however many pounds per week. So I would, ideally, like to be losing about 1.5 pounds a week – so this little calculator dealie told me I should be consuming 1877 calories/day or less. Okay, fair. I can totally do that.

Then… I go out for beers last night and blow my calorie count by 48 calories. 48 maybe not SEEM like a lot… but you consider that I consumed 550 calories worth of BEER last night… that makes it seem pretty awful. I even told myself I was just going to have 2 glasses of white wine (about 200 calories, give or take) and then drink water… but I just didn’t want to pay the $6 a glass or whatever it was… yeah, so I spent $20 on beers instead.. plus tip.. because I drank FIVE of them. FML. Seriously.

Other things to derail my healthy eating this week… had to take the kiddo to the doctor yesterday morning – find out he has a sinus infection, which sucks pretty hard for the little dude – but the appointment was at 11:30am.. which means he missed lunched at daycare.. so what do we have for lunch? Ah, yes, the World-Wide Little Kid Favorite Food: MCDONALDS! Now, I got myself a kid’s meal with a tea instead of soda so I kept it under 550 calories there. But it’s still fucking McDonald’s. And it pretty much killed my sodium intake for the day. I did have some baked salmon and wild rice for dinner though… so I feel like I made it up to myself a little bit there. Although I cooked at my mom’s and she didn’t have any vegetables for some reason, so I didn’t even come close to my “strive for 5” yesterday. I’m so envious of Emily and her brilliant job at clean eating!

Part of me kind of feels like, “Oh, stop beating yourself up because you’re about to leave for vacation and you’re pretty much going to give in to all your vices and eat like shit while you’re there. May as well just start over when you get home.” But I don’t really WANT to eat like shit and I certainly don’t want to feel like I have to “start over” on anything. I want to just move FORWARD. Consistently. I’m sure I will probably bust my calories several times – I mean, let’s be real. It’s THANKSGIVING. But I generally want to try to make good choices.. even if I’m just eating massive quantities of those good choices.  Plus another part of me feels like it won’t be so bad because I will actually have the time and opportunity to exercise EVERY DAY. And that will be so brilliant!

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. …now watch me lose like 10 pounds while I’m there. Hahaha!

Okay so stats for the last couple days…

11/15:

• total calories: 1798 - I was starving almost ALL DAY on Monday. I don't know what the deal was. So I ate a lot more than I usually do, although I tried to make sure I was stuffing myself with healthy choices like apples, wheat thins, pistachios, etc.
• calories burned: 500 - so I actually clocked the walk/runs my mom and I have been doing.. and turns out it's more like 2.5 miles than 3, so I've probably been a little off on the amount of calories I've been burning. Today we jogged almost the whole thing. It felt amazing! 
• no cigarettes - day 2
• 10:30pm bedtime - WOO! GO ME!
• $4 on lunch ($36 left for the week)

11/16:

• total calories: 1925 - we discussed this above. Beer is evil. The End.
• no workout - it rained like a mofo yesterday.. I planned to do a workout dvd at home, but then hung at my mom's til like 7pm or so and had to meet up with folks at 8pm, so I didn't really have the time. Poop.
• ...3 cigarettes. Begin again. *facepalm*
• 1am bedtime - I actually got home around 11:30pm, but I stayed up late reading. AND NOW I HAVE NO MORE WALKING DEAD COMICS!! NOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
• $23.. on beer... -.- ($13 left for the week. EFF!!!)

Oh, also.. I forgot to mention this last week - but I bought some new jeans and a bunch of long-sleeve T's and sweaters because I realized I have, like, NO WINTER CLOTHES. Word? So get this.. I got a HELLUVA deal because a friend sent me an invite to the Gap Give+Get sale, and I had a TON of cashback from Discover.. so I was able to trade in $80 of my Discover Cashback for a $100 Gap gift card (!!!) so I got almost $300 worth of Gap clothing for... wait for it... $98!!! Brilliant, eh? Plus free shipping. Damn straight. I'm so amazing. Heh. 

Anyways, so that leaves me with only $2 left in my monthly fund, but I'm pretty sure I'll do just fine with that. 

I'm getting so excited for my trip to NLR!! Only two days!!! Or "two sleeps" as I tell James. :)

No Smoking - Day 1

I know I've been terrible about posting the last 5 days or so and I know you're owed stat updates and all that diet/exercise stuff... but I just got sat down at work with my MIL (who I happen to also work for) and with tears in her eyes told me how disappointed she was that I'm a smoker... Mike got the talk too.. but it really hurt my feelings. And I pulled that whole smoker thing of making excuses.. and honestly I really am just a social smoker. It's not even something I think about on a normal day. But it doesn't matter because I quit for almost 3 month back in February... and then I started back with smoking like maybe 3 or 4 cigarettes a week... and then a pack a week... and I've noticed lately instead of going my normal Mon. - Thurs. without a single cigarettes, I've been buying packs every 3 days or so and smoking at home, not just at the bars, and not just with an alcoholic beverage in hand.

I've been bargaining with myself.

Now, I've talked plenty about bargaining with myself over food and exercise, but I'm realizing quitting smoking is probably the most important thing I can do for myself. It's funny how I can vote on Maury's poll with my vote being "not smoking" as the most important thing for her... and yet I didn't realize until just now that it's incredibly important for me too. And I'm doing a great disservice to myself to say, "It's okay to go through a whole pack Friday/Saturday nights and the occasional Wednesday or Thursday night since I don't smoke at all or hardly at all the rest of the week."

It's not okay.

If I'm gonna do this I need to just DO IT and quit making excuses and quit cutting deals with myself. I also know it's time because as I write this I'm TOTALLY FREAKING OUT about not being able to go out tonight or tomorrow, or even just chill at home tonight, without smoking if I feel like it. That definitely is not a "social smoker" mentality, that a smoker-smoker mentality lol.

I know I'm going to have breaking points. I know there are going to be days where I'm gonna break down and smoke. And I know that I need to take all that in stride and just start over the next day... but I also know that I can't be "restarting" every two days. Or three days. Or week. I've gotta commit. I've done it before and there's no reason I can't do it again.

On another quick note:
My brand new scale that told me I was at 206lbs last week informed me yesterday morning (even WITH JEANS ON) that I am now *drum roll please* 200lbs. EXACTLY!!! I'm very excited. I even was able to wear one of my old belts this morning... woo!!

NOT staying on track... at all..

Okay, so first of all let me going ahead and throw out stats for the last, what? 3 days? Geez louise...

10/26:

• total calories: 1538
• calories burned: 300 - 2 mile walk with Keeley, we got it done in just under half an hour! We were hoofin' it!
• 7 cigarettes - politcal conversations with the hubby make for lots of smoking. heh.
• 12am bedtime
• nothing spent

10/27:

• total calories: 1276 - went out for sushi with my Dad for dinner.. sushi is SUPER low in calories!!
• calories burned: 220 calories - walked with my dad for about 45 mins. after dinner.
• 4 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime
• nothing spent - dad's treat for sushi!

10/28:

• total calories: 1831 - WORST DAY EVER. I got sent to this horrible seminar/schmooze event for work... it was awful... and they had catered in for lunch. The sandwiches and stuff weren't too horrible as far as I could tell for calories... but I had a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie and like this tiny itty bitty double fudge brownie thing. And that right there I estimated at easily being about 400 calories. Stupid catered food... 
• no workout/walk
• 6 cigarettes
• 11:30pm bedtime
• $5 spent on beer w/ friends ($30 left for the week)

Well, I originally started this post thinking, "Geez, I haven't exercised hardly at ALL this week.." but then when I was looking at my food/fitness tracker I realized I'd completely forgot about the walk with my Dad Wednesday night - so maybe I'm not doing so bad after all. 

I'm seriously considering going to get a gym membership after work today. With the weather getting colder and the days getting shorter I know my motivation to get my cardio done at home is going to plummet - and shortly after I give up on cardio I know I'll give up my resistance training too. It's a really vicious cycle for me every Fall/Winter. 

I'm so proud of all you other fitness bloggers out there and your amazing accomplishments over the last month! Hopefully I will catch up to you at some point here.. it makes me wonder sometimes if maybe I've got some kind of body chemistry imbalance going on that makes it harder to lose weight. Although I'm sure my inability to really follow any kind of diet plan to a "t" and my inconsistent workouts are more to blame than anything else. 

Oh well. 

Onward!!

struggling..

For some reason I have just NOT wanted to update my blog. I think this may have to do with a subconscious feeling of failing, and guilt over not sticking to what I originally laid out for myself. Maybe I took it too quickly. Maybe I made my goals too large or too over-the-top. Maybe I'm just a lazy loaf who doesn't want to have to exercise and eat right every moment of every day to look and feel my best. WHO KNOWS?! I'm think it's probably more of the latter than anything else...

So I bought that new scale... if we all remember... rated number 1 by Consumer Reports for accuracy and consistency... well I got on that scale yesterday morning and it informed me that my weight is.. 206lbs. *deflated*

I don't think I gained any weight, but I think my old scale was just off by 5lbs. - oh well. So, my "new" weight is 206lbs. Maybe this means I was quite a bit heavier than I thought I was to begin with. It's still an accomplishment! At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'd really like to hit the Dr's office or the gym where they have those big scales... a REAL scale. Oh well.

I totally forgot/didn't have time to take measurements. I've been really bad about that. But my clothes continue to fit better everyday, so there must be SOME improvement there.

Body stats for Week 3
Weight: 206lbs.
Waist measurement: TBD

Stats for 10/25:

• total calories: 1686
• calories burned: 200 - did 15 mins of circuit training, wasn't able to get my walk in. Poop.
• cigarettes: 2
• 11:30pm bedtime
• $5 on lunch ($35/week, $44/month)

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my body right now -- according to several different sites my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate or daily energy expenditure) with a "light activity level" is between 2400-2500 calories... I'm regularly keeping my calorie intake below 1800 regardless of if I'm working out or not. I should be losing roughly about a pound to a pound-and-a-half a week. I'm worried I'm not really losing anything, and I think that's probably due to my general lack of discipline. :-\   I lost 2 pounds that first week doing the jump-start.. at least I THINK I did... that could have been because my batteries in my old scale were getting ready to die and it wasn't working properly... but.. anyway.. ugh. I feel like I maybe need a do-over. 

I'll post my weekly goals a little later.

two days worth

of beer... seriously. Hold on, we'll get to that in a moment... first of all:

stats for 10/14:

• total calories: 2000 - we went to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. Yes. I'm a cheater. A big fat healthy-eater-cheater. I'm not doing so well on this "clean" eating deal. :-\
• calories burned: 200 - I went for a 1.5 mile walk with my friend Stacy, kudos to me for exercising even though I didn't have time to do an actual "workout" after work! 
• 3 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime
• $0 spent

stats for 10/15:

• total calories: 1968 - another day of pretty much hitting my calories intake limit. I also skipped meals on Friday. I ate a foot-long turkey sub from Subway and then didn't eat dinner... but DID go out and drink 900 calories worth or beer. 900 CALORIES WORTH OF BEER!! That is ridiculous. And I'm completely disgusted with myself. No wonder I gained so much weight over the Fall/Winter last year... because I was regularly drinking 4 or 5 beers a night because I wasn't working, and really, what was stopping me? I'm disgusted with myself. Plus I drank too fast and got really sloppy drunk and my husband had to babysit me. I'm embarrassed, but everything is a learning experience... and this girl learned: do not skip dinner and then drink beer like it's water. Especially while working toward a healthier life-style.
• calories burned: 300 - went for a half hour hike at a local park after work, it was SO BEAUTIFUL and peaceful and I really enjoyed myself. It was almost a bit like meditation for me. 
• 10 cigarettes
• 2am bedtime
• $20 spent ($7 left)

I'm overall pretty disappointed with myself for Thurs and Fri -- yes, Weds night I had a couple (small) slices on veggie pizza on my friend's house, but that didn't really feel like a total diet bust to me. It was my breakdown Thurs night with Chuck E. Cheese and then Friday with skipping meals and drinking excessively that felt really terrible. I'm incredibly proud of myself for walking Thurs night and going for that short hike Fri, however. I made sure to get some exercise in even though I didn't really have the opportunity to do one of my workout videos. I think as long as the weather stays fairly mild I will continue to take a couple days a week to go for walks and such rather than bouncing around in front of a dvd.

I have to say that this "diet" has been much harder for me than I thought it would be. I hate referring to it as a diet, because it's not, it's a lifestyle change. Mon, Tues and Weds evening I was STARVING - this is a huge part of what lead me to "cheat" with that veggie pizza Weds night even though it was still a pretty "clean" choice. I'm eating the correct portions and the amounts of proteins/fats/carbs.. I just feel like I'm not supposed to have a hard time falling asleep at night because my stomach is growling and then waking up sick to my stomach with hunger in the mornings. Maybe it's just that adjustment process? Or maybe it's just that being as tall as I am, and at 203lbs my body requires simply 2600 calories a day to exist and maintain this weight... and now after workouts my net calories for the day are sometimes as low as 1100... I feel like that's extreme. And then I think, "Well, maybe I can eat more of those clean foods during the week so I'm not so hungry all the time leading me to cheat." - I also feel really proud of myself for cutting processed sugar out of my diet almost completely and feel like perhaps that's the most important thing to focus on here. If I want to eat more than 4 oz of shrimp because 20 mins after I've finished my meal I'm still starving.. or perhaps add a salad to my meat/grain/steamed veggie meal to stave off that hunger...but then I worry that maybe I'm just bargaining with myself.

Do you guys think I'm just trying to bargain with myself so I don't feel so guilty for not following the plan to a T?