All or nothing?

So, I’ve been sitting here wondering to myself why I just can’t seem to make the scale move, and basically what that comes down to is this: I’m an idiot.

Here I’ve been feeling like I’ve been doing “pretty well” with my calorie/macro tracking, deciding that one (or two or three) high-cal days aren’t “hurting anything” because in my head it somehow magically balances out… but as I said, I’m an idiot.

My ass has essentially been eating at maintenance the last few weeks. Which is great in the sense that that means I’m no longer eating ABOVE maintenance and therefore no longer continuing to slowly gain weight – but it does mean that the scale and tape-measure are going to continue showing me the same results each month because I’m not putting myself in a deficit except maybe 3 days a week.

Now this is where it all gets a little tricky. A couple weeks ago I dove back into regular exercise pretty hardcore. I went from running once or twice a week and playing tennis once a week to running 3 or 4 times a week, playing tennis, and now this week reincorporating strength training. This may be TMI, but I’ll tell you my menstrual cycle is a wreck and doesn’t know what to do with itself, which is a pretty tell-tale sign that my hormones are going nuts. So while I’m regularly eating anywhere from 2500-3000 calories a day when my deficit goal is to eat between 2100-2300, the reason I’m eating that higher range is because I am all of a sudden starving all the time.

Now, I know I recently wrote that my appetite had been crappy and it was making it easier to eat less and eat better – but clearly my appetite has come back with a vengeance. I wish I could say it’s because my emotional health is doing better, but it’s not. In fact, some days I wonder if I’m worse than just a week or so ago. So the only thing I can figure is that increase in physical activity = spike in hunger and appetite. This is kind of a “duh”, but I just can’t believe with the amount of fat I packed on over the summer that my metabolism has somehow magically sky-rocketed into the 3,000’s TDEE level requiring me to be able to maintain a deficit while eating roughly 2500 calories a day. I mean, that would be nice and all – but it just doesn’t seem very realistic.

As most of you know, I recently started using the FitBit Flex again. According to that, with my increased activity levels over the last 2 weeks, I’m rocking about a 2800 calorie TDEE. Fine and dandy, but even so, I should not be “starving” at a 2100-2300 goal range. That’s ridiculous.

I’m incredibly frustrated right now. I struggle with consistency – in fact, it’s the one thing I’m consistent with – but I feel like during the times that I am consistent I should see some sort of progress. Sometimes I am consistent for months at a time! And still, nothing. Consults with my doctors over the last 8 months don’t show any type of hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues, pre-diabetes, etc. – any and all of which would be a reason that I find it so difficult to lose weight/fat. It makes me feel like I’m a just a lazy fatso with no self-control. I get caught up in this feeling of “it’s so easy for everyone else”, except I know that it isn’t. Everyone has their struggles. Everyone has to decide which sacrifices they’re willing to make. Then I think maybe I’m just not willing to make the necessary sacrifices. That is both true and untrue.

I wonder if my self-sabotage comes from a punishment place. I also wonder if my recent increase in exercise comes from a punishment place, as well. Part of it is definitely coming from a fear place. I’m terrified if I stop regularly running (at the very least) I’ll slip into an even deeper depression. About the only time I feel “good” these days is the 2 hours after a run or tennis - I honestly don’t remember if I got the same endorphin high after doing my strength circuits the other night. This is probably another reason why the impending winter is terrifying me. What will happen if I can’t get that regular cardio in? On top of my normal S.A.D.? That just seems like an emotional disaster waiting to happen.

So back to the food thing for a moment… I’ve decided effective immediately, I’m going to start following the Eat More 2 Weigh Less philosophy. I’m going to stick to my 2300 calories, unless I have an extremely high burn day. If at the end of 6 weeks I’ve seen zero change in either weight or measurements, then it’s time to adjust a little bit. There’s no reason I can’t do this for 6 weeks. It’s just really not that much time. I’m also thinking about getting back to either New Rules of Lifting or Female Body Breakthrough for weight training, since EM2WL strongly recommends heavy lifting.

Speaking of lifting… as I mentioned a couple paragraphs up, I did some strength circuits the other night. For those of you that follow my Instagram account, you know this nearly killed me. I’m back at square-one strength-wise and it’s got me feeling really dismayed. I am still sore from that workout and almost everything was simply bodyweight… the weighted exercises I found myself having to resort to my 8lbs dumbbells. This is what happens when you quit completely for a couple months and then ramp up the cardio. In Bro Speak: you kill gains. My gains are so dead right now. What’s even more upsetting is that I know I won’t be making very many new gains eating at a deficit… but, honestly, right now I’m in a real “run it off then bulk it up” mentality. That I can most certainly tell you comes from a punishment place. I love the running, don’t get me wrong. I already talked about how it helps keep my already-low mood somewhat stable. But I am feeling very “fuck it” right now with strength training. I want faster results, man. I couldn’t tell you if running with actually do this for me, since when I was training for my 5K I was holding fat like nobody’s business, but I’m really wanting to see some change on the scale.

I know, I know. Scale isn’t everything. I feel like I practically invented that mantra within my social circle. But right now the scale is everything to me and I want to see it move, damnit. And if that means I’m “skinny fat” at 170lbs, then so be it. If that means the scale bumps up to 180 when I start working toward strength gains and muscle hypertrophy, I’m okay with that. But right now I am so sick of flirting with 200lbs. 195 is too damn close. I’m over it. I can’t see that number anymore. It’s driving me insane. I can’t get right with it.

I wish I could say this talk is coming from my Deep Dark Depression Place, but really I think I was just lying to myself when I wrote that I could be “okay” with this weight and body aesthetic for the rest of my life. Who knows anymore?! Maybe I’ll start an anti-depressant, find a therapist that works better with me and offers me the tools I’m looking for, and get right with myself emotionally and all of a sudden love the hell out of this body I’m in. Part of me hopes that happens. But right now, punishment or not, something’s gotta give. And it sure as hell isn’t my mental state, so it may as well be my physical.

I’m not trying to say that being skinny or “cut” or whatever is going to magically make me happy or lower my stress levels or make me love my job more or make my kids behave better or make me more money, but at least I won’t have to feel so guilty about being fat anymore. At least that will be one thing I can cross OFF of my List of Failures.

…I’m sorry. This got kind of real dark real fast, and I didn’t intend that to happen. It ain’t all about skinny, it’s mostly about healthy. But it’s some about skinny, too. Just like the smoking and the drinking if driving, this needs to be a non-negotiable for me. I can’t give up on myself just because it’s easier to eat mini candy bars at work all day and follow that up with some Oreos or maybe Dairy Queen at night. Talk about punishment. Fuck. I deserve better than that. I deserve to eat those things sometimes because I really want to eat them, not because “I may as well”.

I deserve to be healthy and happy. And if I can’t be happy, I can at least make my best effort at healthy.

Slipping

I made a very big mistake last week. I allowed myself to give in to my post-vacation blues (ha! "post-vacation") and after one workout I decided I would give myself a "break" and settle back into normal home/work routine. I kept up with my walks on my lunch breaks, but other than that I booked my social calendar, drank far too heavily and too often, ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted, and ended up burned out and emotionally wrecked by Saturday afternoon. My depression and frustration lead me to randomly go for a 3 mile run, which was great. It felt good, it was one of best pace times, it pushed me out of my funk. I "celebrated" by drinking more. Sunday was a BBQ for a friend's birthday - and I knew I shouldn't drink heavily, but I did anyway. I had a great time, but I paid for it today. I woke up on my own at 8am, but forced myself back to sleep until 10am. That was probably a bad idea - too much sleep seems to affect me in much the same way too little sleep does. I was lethargic and grouchy most of the morning/afternoon. A LOT of emotional eating happened today. A LOT. While it was no 4,000 calorie day like yesterday (although, yesterday I was legit hungry)... I've eaten a lot of sugar and carbs today. Very little fat and protein. This is a problem and did nothing in assisting with my energy level.

Needless to say, there was no getting back "#onpogram" today. I am wallowing here a little bit. I am hopeful tomorrow I can motivate and get back on track. I realized today that I'm quickly reaching the end-point of my #100daysofchange and I feel like I'm either sabotaging or it's all just kind of falling apart. If I can just get back into an exercise routine I know it will help me in 100 different ways, but I'm struggling with some pretty major feelings of... I don't even know how to explain it. "Unhappiness" feels too simple and mild of a word, but I guess that's it.

I want to change my whole life, but feel powerless to do so. I'm not comfortable laying it all out here on the blog right now, but I probably will at some point. I'm trying to figure out how I need to move forward in the immediate future because I find myself saying to myself repeatedly throughout the day nearly everyday, "I don't think I can do this anymore."

I think I know what changed... I think I know what triggered this, em, existential crisis? I am making a conscious effort everyday to say to myself, "These are blessings, you will be happy, you will have a great day, you're deciding to be positive." But that doesn't seem to be benefiting me much. It's supposed to be that simple, right? You just decide that what you have is good enough, that what you do everyday makes you happy, that you are grateful. ...maybe I'm just not very good at convincing myself any longer. I hate feeling this way.

So, all I can say is: I hope tomorrow is better. I hope I can motivate to workout or at least run. I hope I can avoid emotionally eating tons of sugar. I hope I can level out a bit.

Wake Up Calls

I feel like I’ve already had several wake-up calls recently… and they just don’t seem to spur me to change my lifestyle quite as much as I need to/want to. I think part of that is just being incredibly impatient. Obviously I just wrote recently about, y’know, my “food issues” and then, the other night, trying to put on a pair of jeans I hadn’t worn in a couple months that would not button (read: simply do not fit right now) sent me into a complete freak-out and rage and a “MUST COUNT CALORIES! MUST RESTRICT! MUST STARVE! MUST CARDIO QUEEN!”… I would be lying if I said I didn’t still feel these thoughts screaming through my head today. They may even be louder.

The reality is, I’ve noticed over the last few weeks that my clothes aren’t fitting so great anymore. And I don’t look as good in them. Then while poking around iphoto, I looked at these photos from 11/17/13:

and realized, my body doesn’t look anything like that anymore. I’ve packed on a lot of fat in the last 3 months. I’m not really okay with admitting that right now and I’d really appreciate kindness in this area and no I-told-you-so’s, or higher-calorie-doesn’t-work, etc, etc. I’m realizing I’ve been living in a little (a lot-a) bit of a delusion that I could eat whatever I want (read: JUNK JUNK AND MORE JUNK) while inconsistently sort-of-sometimes exercising 2, maybe 3, times a week and maintain my body composition that I had attained over several months of regular strength training and regular low-intensity cardio with occasional high-intensity cardio while eating a reasonable amount of calories from decent foods. That’s not even mentioning that I used to regularly get 9000 steps or more almost daily, whereas the last couple months we’re looking at an average that’s closer to 5000-6000. I was thinking I had been maintaining, but my recent monthly report from FitBit screamed showed otherwise. I’m sure a lot of this has to do with winter and all the mood altering that comes with it (for me), plus the obviously colder weather and shorter days that don’t lend much opportunity for outdoor enjoyment/walks/runs. I’d really like to think that over this spring/summer I can build up a good routine of walks/runs that can carry me into and through next winter.

Another recent wake-up call? My recent blood work panel done at my check-up last month. While most my numbers were well within “normal” or “good” ranges, there was one that was slightly worrisome: my triglycerides. They were slightly elevated at 173. My doctor would like them to be under 150. Now, according to who you talk to, some doctors believe anything under 200 is no cause for concern (especially if you're young), and then others (like my doctor) believe that they should really remain between 100-150. What have I been doing to try to improve this number? Absolutely nothing. What am I doing instead? Pretending like I’m still 20 and don’t have to worry about that shit. Where is it getting me? Absolutely nowhere and causing sneaky anxiety about aging and coming to grips with my own mortality.

I mean, shoot, all I have to do to bring this number down is a) quit smoking, b) quit drinking, and c) rarely eat any processed carbs.

IT’S SO SIMPLE!

So, yes, I spent the last weeks since my doctor's appointment pretty much ignoring that I need to work on some habits for my health. But, hey, baby steps. My first baby step was deciding I would commit myself to 100 Days of Change. And my change would be doing some sort of purposeful physical activity every day for 100 days. So far so good. I did miss one day due to just plain forgetfulness, but otherwise I've posted a picture to my instagram account every day documenting whatever it is I'm making time for that day.

The second step was another amazing burst of motivation a few days ago to start really focusing on better food choices. I began logging food again, but not for calorie purposes - to track how junk vs non-junk I'm eating every day. I also changed my food diary settings to "private" so that the only judgement I have to worry about right now is from myself. Once I feel more confident in my choices and feel my food issues are under control, I'll make my diary public again. I've been focusing mostly on eating a fruit and/or a veggie every time I eat and increasing my consumption of greens and fish over meat overall.

I'm feeling really good about these decisions, and feeling really free from all those "shoulds" that usually surround my exercise routines/plan. I've done something a little different nearly every day, and I think that's been really beneficial to me and the way I think sometimes. It's allowed me to revisit some old favorites, as well as stalk around the internet and find some new things to try out. The "every day" thing is also a great motivator as it doesn't give me a chance to decide I need an "extra" rest day and then fall out of good habits. I've never been the person to break up my strength into different areas of focus (leg day, upper-body day, abs day, etc.), but I'm thinking in the future that might be really good for me to keep me on track and focused.

But right now? I'm not thinking about it other than to say to myself, "You'll be doing something active today." No obsession, no special schedule, no "THIS routine will be so much better", no bullshit. Just moving my body on a daily basis.


Interested in joining me in my 100 Days of Change? Follow me on Instagram and use the tag #100daysofchange! :)

Fear of Life

Last night my friend Caitlin came by to have some wine and just visit. We were chatting about our kids, our husbands, our jobs and all that usual stuff. In discussing work, she brought up a friend who recently moved up in the company she works for – how much this friend loves her job, how often she gets to travel, etc. She said she’d love to have a job where she could travel, and I immediately said, “Oh man, no way, not me.” I kind of jokingly talked about how I’m scaredy-cat and home-body.

But it’s true. I would never enjoy traveling for work. It would make me feel incredibly alone and lonely. I’d be terrified of saying something wrong at a conference or a meeting. I’d be terrified of looking like I didn’t know what I was doing. I would hate having to be away from my friends and family, I would hate sleeping in unfamiliar environments, living in hotels. Even if it wasn’t for work!! I’ve never desired to travel extensively. I’ve never had the itch to go to Europe or Australia or Japan, etc, etc. The very thought of being on a plane over the ocean, of being somewhere I don’t fluently speak the language – of the jet-lag and the time zone adjustment. None of it is appealing to me!! I didn’t even want to go to the Bahamas or Dominican Republic or anywhere like that for my honeymoon - I was perfectly happy to drive 5 hours down the highway to the Outer Banks.

I’m kind of terrified of life outside my norm. The cliché of growing up in a small town, marrying your high school sweetheart, raising your children in that same small town, and dying in that same small town is incredibly appealing to me. I would be happy and content with that life, I think. It would make me feel safe. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe that’s just how some people are, maybe that’s okay. Maybe if I had come up in that small-town cliché, I’d feel differently. I guess I just like knowing where I’m going and what I’m doing and what’s going to happen. If I’m uncertain about my environment and/or with people who are uncertain, it makes me feel really out of control and scared.

That’s part of my issue with my job right now, I think. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing a lot of the time. There’s no schedule or regiment to any of it other than “I run payroll on the 15^th and the 30^th” type stuff – outside of the “schedule” of those dates each month, every day-to-day interaction and work process is different dependent on what our clients want and need. It’s not as simple as, “Everyday I come in and I draft x memo or report, enter new data on spreadsheets A, B and C, I check the fax and mail and file invoices” etc, etc, etc… there are those basic things, but there are also phone calls all day long, email barrages, etc. that may require a different answer to the same question all the time. And the follow-ups… don’t even get me started. WHY SO MUCH FOLLOWING UP?!?! Not to mention the knowledge. I just pretty much feel like an idiot all the time. I have no expertise in the business I’m currently working in – and on top of that, it interests me very, very little, so trying to retain additional knowledge than what already comes from common sense and just having been in the same office/industry for 4 years (osmosis, as I like to call it), it’s near impossible.

Also, I’m not sure if you all were aware, but a major side-effect of high-stress and depression is short-term memory issues. I find this happening to me all the time, and it just keeps getting worse. I couldn’t tell you what I ate or who I spoke to 4 days ago. I consider myself lucky that I remember to put pants on in the morning, because there are days where I will stand in front of the bathroom mirror for 5-10 minutes just trying to remember what it was I was doing. Hint: it’s usually “put my contacts in” or “brush my teeth”. It’s one thing to operate in a sort of fog on a daily basis, but it’s a little scarier to realize you have no idea what you did last Christmas. You know you bought your youngest child a Fisher Price pirate ship… but what did you do?? Where did you go, who did you see? I have no idea. I know we stayed in Virginia. That’s about all I can recall other than the pirate ship thing. Fun stuff, huh? Yeah, I don’t think so… I also don’t think that’s particularly normal.

This happened on Christmas:

My dad got me this Eeyore mug as a gift -- I wanted to show it off so I snapped a photo... and immediately realized how mousy and ashy my hair looked. One's hair should not almost exactly match the color of their green eyes. I'm just sayin'. 

So then this happened on Saturday:

My hair is now auburn. And while it looks pretty (although a little darker and redder than I really wanted), I also quickly realized that if I'm dying my hair, I'm feeling out of control. 

It's just hair, it'll grow out, I can bleach it, I can cut it, whatever. I can control my hair. And it's about the only thing I can easily and somewhat effectively control. I can style it however I want. It can be whatever I want with little to moderate work/time/effort.

This is a red flag in my world. I'm honestly surprised this didn't happen before now. I also would be surprised if I didn't hate it/change it within a month. 

I also want you all to know that I'm consciously trying to maintain positive thoughts today. My god, it's exhausting.