Fear of Life

Last night my friend Caitlin came by to have some wine and just visit. We were chatting about our kids, our husbands, our jobs and all that usual stuff. In discussing work, she brought up a friend who recently moved up in the company she works for – how much this friend loves her job, how often she gets to travel, etc. She said she’d love to have a job where she could travel, and I immediately said, “Oh man, no way, not me.” I kind of jokingly talked about how I’m scaredy-cat and home-body.

But it’s true. I would never enjoy traveling for work. It would make me feel incredibly alone and lonely. I’d be terrified of saying something wrong at a conference or a meeting. I’d be terrified of looking like I didn’t know what I was doing. I would hate having to be away from my friends and family, I would hate sleeping in unfamiliar environments, living in hotels. Even if it wasn’t for work!! I’ve never desired to travel extensively. I’ve never had the itch to go to Europe or Australia or Japan, etc, etc. The very thought of being on a plane over the ocean, of being somewhere I don’t fluently speak the language – of the jet-lag and the time zone adjustment. None of it is appealing to me!! I didn’t even want to go to the Bahamas or Dominican Republic or anywhere like that for my honeymoon - I was perfectly happy to drive 5 hours down the highway to the Outer Banks.

I’m kind of terrified of life outside my norm. The cliché of growing up in a small town, marrying your high school sweetheart, raising your children in that same small town, and dying in that same small town is incredibly appealing to me. I would be happy and content with that life, I think. It would make me feel safe. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe that’s just how some people are, maybe that’s okay. Maybe if I had come up in that small-town cliché, I’d feel differently. I guess I just like knowing where I’m going and what I’m doing and what’s going to happen. If I’m uncertain about my environment and/or with people who are uncertain, it makes me feel really out of control and scared.

That’s part of my issue with my job right now, I think. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing a lot of the time. There’s no schedule or regiment to any of it other than “I run payroll on the 15^th and the 30^th” type stuff – outside of the “schedule” of those dates each month, every day-to-day interaction and work process is different dependent on what our clients want and need. It’s not as simple as, “Everyday I come in and I draft x memo or report, enter new data on spreadsheets A, B and C, I check the fax and mail and file invoices” etc, etc, etc… there are those basic things, but there are also phone calls all day long, email barrages, etc. that may require a different answer to the same question all the time. And the follow-ups… don’t even get me started. WHY SO MUCH FOLLOWING UP?!?! Not to mention the knowledge. I just pretty much feel like an idiot all the time. I have no expertise in the business I’m currently working in – and on top of that, it interests me very, very little, so trying to retain additional knowledge than what already comes from common sense and just having been in the same office/industry for 4 years (osmosis, as I like to call it), it’s near impossible.

Also, I’m not sure if you all were aware, but a major side-effect of high-stress and depression is short-term memory issues. I find this happening to me all the time, and it just keeps getting worse. I couldn’t tell you what I ate or who I spoke to 4 days ago. I consider myself lucky that I remember to put pants on in the morning, because there are days where I will stand in front of the bathroom mirror for 5-10 minutes just trying to remember what it was I was doing. Hint: it’s usually “put my contacts in” or “brush my teeth”. It’s one thing to operate in a sort of fog on a daily basis, but it’s a little scarier to realize you have no idea what you did last Christmas. You know you bought your youngest child a Fisher Price pirate ship… but what did you do?? Where did you go, who did you see? I have no idea. I know we stayed in Virginia. That’s about all I can recall other than the pirate ship thing. Fun stuff, huh? Yeah, I don’t think so… I also don’t think that’s particularly normal.

This happened on Christmas:

My dad got me this Eeyore mug as a gift -- I wanted to show it off so I snapped a photo... and immediately realized how mousy and ashy my hair looked. One's hair should not almost exactly match the color of their green eyes. I'm just sayin'. 

So then this happened on Saturday:

My hair is now auburn. And while it looks pretty (although a little darker and redder than I really wanted), I also quickly realized that if I'm dying my hair, I'm feeling out of control. 

It's just hair, it'll grow out, I can bleach it, I can cut it, whatever. I can control my hair. And it's about the only thing I can easily and somewhat effectively control. I can style it however I want. It can be whatever I want with little to moderate work/time/effort.

This is a red flag in my world. I'm honestly surprised this didn't happen before now. I also would be surprised if I didn't hate it/change it within a month. 

I also want you all to know that I'm consciously trying to maintain positive thoughts today. My god, it's exhausting.