My disappearance!

Wow, I didn’t quite realize how long it had been since I updated! I’ve been sort of living on a different planet for the last 3 weeks. I kept up with my workouts like a champ until we left for Arkansas the Friday before Thanksgiving. While I packed workout clothes/shoes and my heart rate monitor, with every intention of doing some bodyweight circuit training during my visit to the south – that didn’t happen.

My last post before my trip stated that my grandfather was going to begin chemo for his lung cancer and hopefully all would be well… except that he wasn’t able to begin treatment. Until today. While, this is still good news, he has become very weak over the last few weeks and there is some concern that going through treatment may not have the outcome we hope for. We have a lot of trust in his oncologist and all we can do is pray… and pray, and pray, and pray.

I am incredibly grateful that my husband took a lot of the responsibility of entertaining our children every day of our trip so that I could go and spend at least a couple hours at the hospital each day, as well as incredibly grateful that I was able to visit at all. It was a rough 10 days, though. To say that it was a “great trip”, etc. would be a lie. It was a hard trip. It was emotional. And, to be very honest, I am not happy to be home in any way. To say that my car breaking down Thanksgiving evening (MY 15 MONTH OLD HONDA ODYSSEY!! Talk about a wtf moment…) was a blessing in disguise would be an understatement. I was almost relieved while at the same time so upset I wanted to cry and punch things. After lots of engine tests and the possibility of the engine needing to be replaced, it turns out it was just bad fuel. From Exxon. THANKS, EXXON. I’ve written to their customer service department and am hoping they will see fit to reimburse me for the $400 fuel flush that was required to stop my engine from misfiring constantly. If not, well, you might see my personal Facebook blowing up with an Exxon smear campaign.  …I digress… trip was bittersweet, car broke down, not happy to be home.. there’s the basic gist.

I will say that I’m happy to get back into my workouts, though. I should have done it last night, but I don’t travel well… meaning, I get highly emotional and kind of flip out whenever we return from a long trip. Sometimes even after short trips. I’m not really sure what this says about me other than maybe I don’t love my real life so much.

Speaking of which: one of my friends posted one of those inspirational memes on Facebook about a week ago that said something to the effect of, “If everything were exactly the same as it is today a year from now, would you be happy?” …and I immediately was thinking to myself, “Oh, hell no.”

There’s something wrong with that. I have some ideas of what needs to change, but I really have no clue how to put things into motion and I’m not entirely sure what I need to motivate me to make the changes I so desperately need to see in my life. I had a panic attack the other night for the first time in probably 18 months or more, which is a HUGE sign that something’s gotta give. So, there’s that. It’s really, I guess, just more of the same, ‘I’m so depressed’ crap that I’ve been writing about for a few months now. It might be time to seek out counseling again. Yay for therapy!

Okay, so to focus on some positives: now that I’m home I can dive back into my workouts, I can get back to getting my 5 servings of fruits/veggies in every day, and I get to sleep in my own bed. The weather is warm here today, so I’ll get to enjoy a walk on my lunch break, and because of my car trouble I only have to work a 2 day week this week.

I’m looking forward to hitting the grocery store this weekend and recommitting to healthier eating. I ate a lot of junk on my trip, and a lot of it was just because of convenience and not really because I wanted to eat it. I almost immediately felt my body’s reaction to it, and it was no bueno. This aside, however, I managed to do really well on calorie intake and stayed within my limit with the exception of maybe 2 days.

I’ll be taking pictures and measurements again this weekend, but I am not expecting any positive change since I haven’t been lifting for 2 weeks.

Stay tuned.