Wake Up Calls

I feel like I’ve already had several wake-up calls recently… and they just don’t seem to spur me to change my lifestyle quite as much as I need to/want to. I think part of that is just being incredibly impatient. Obviously I just wrote recently about, y’know, my “food issues” and then, the other night, trying to put on a pair of jeans I hadn’t worn in a couple months that would not button (read: simply do not fit right now) sent me into a complete freak-out and rage and a “MUST COUNT CALORIES! MUST RESTRICT! MUST STARVE! MUST CARDIO QUEEN!”… I would be lying if I said I didn’t still feel these thoughts screaming through my head today. They may even be louder.

The reality is, I’ve noticed over the last few weeks that my clothes aren’t fitting so great anymore. And I don’t look as good in them. Then while poking around iphoto, I looked at these photos from 11/17/13:

and realized, my body doesn’t look anything like that anymore. I’ve packed on a lot of fat in the last 3 months. I’m not really okay with admitting that right now and I’d really appreciate kindness in this area and no I-told-you-so’s, or higher-calorie-doesn’t-work, etc, etc. I’m realizing I’ve been living in a little (a lot-a) bit of a delusion that I could eat whatever I want (read: JUNK JUNK AND MORE JUNK) while inconsistently sort-of-sometimes exercising 2, maybe 3, times a week and maintain my body composition that I had attained over several months of regular strength training and regular low-intensity cardio with occasional high-intensity cardio while eating a reasonable amount of calories from decent foods. That’s not even mentioning that I used to regularly get 9000 steps or more almost daily, whereas the last couple months we’re looking at an average that’s closer to 5000-6000. I was thinking I had been maintaining, but my recent monthly report from FitBit screamed showed otherwise. I’m sure a lot of this has to do with winter and all the mood altering that comes with it (for me), plus the obviously colder weather and shorter days that don’t lend much opportunity for outdoor enjoyment/walks/runs. I’d really like to think that over this spring/summer I can build up a good routine of walks/runs that can carry me into and through next winter.

Another recent wake-up call? My recent blood work panel done at my check-up last month. While most my numbers were well within “normal” or “good” ranges, there was one that was slightly worrisome: my triglycerides. They were slightly elevated at 173. My doctor would like them to be under 150. Now, according to who you talk to, some doctors believe anything under 200 is no cause for concern (especially if you're young), and then others (like my doctor) believe that they should really remain between 100-150. What have I been doing to try to improve this number? Absolutely nothing. What am I doing instead? Pretending like I’m still 20 and don’t have to worry about that shit. Where is it getting me? Absolutely nowhere and causing sneaky anxiety about aging and coming to grips with my own mortality.

I mean, shoot, all I have to do to bring this number down is a) quit smoking, b) quit drinking, and c) rarely eat any processed carbs.

IT’S SO SIMPLE!

So, yes, I spent the last weeks since my doctor's appointment pretty much ignoring that I need to work on some habits for my health. But, hey, baby steps. My first baby step was deciding I would commit myself to 100 Days of Change. And my change would be doing some sort of purposeful physical activity every day for 100 days. So far so good. I did miss one day due to just plain forgetfulness, but otherwise I've posted a picture to my instagram account every day documenting whatever it is I'm making time for that day.

The second step was another amazing burst of motivation a few days ago to start really focusing on better food choices. I began logging food again, but not for calorie purposes - to track how junk vs non-junk I'm eating every day. I also changed my food diary settings to "private" so that the only judgement I have to worry about right now is from myself. Once I feel more confident in my choices and feel my food issues are under control, I'll make my diary public again. I've been focusing mostly on eating a fruit and/or a veggie every time I eat and increasing my consumption of greens and fish over meat overall.

I'm feeling really good about these decisions, and feeling really free from all those "shoulds" that usually surround my exercise routines/plan. I've done something a little different nearly every day, and I think that's been really beneficial to me and the way I think sometimes. It's allowed me to revisit some old favorites, as well as stalk around the internet and find some new things to try out. The "every day" thing is also a great motivator as it doesn't give me a chance to decide I need an "extra" rest day and then fall out of good habits. I've never been the person to break up my strength into different areas of focus (leg day, upper-body day, abs day, etc.), but I'm thinking in the future that might be really good for me to keep me on track and focused.

But right now? I'm not thinking about it other than to say to myself, "You'll be doing something active today." No obsession, no special schedule, no "THIS routine will be so much better", no bullshit. Just moving my body on a daily basis.


Interested in joining me in my 100 Days of Change? Follow me on Instagram and use the tag #100daysofchange! :)

Can't Come Up With Subject Title, But Read It Anyway!

Well, it started a little bit weekend before last and perpetuated through more of last week than I intended (or would even like to admit). I made excuses saying that the socialization time was important (which it was) and I was still keeping up with my chores (sort of... laundry, yes, mostly - cooking fell almost completely to the wayside). I was still working out. In fact, part of what was waylaying my responsible bedtime was the fact that my workout has been taking me a full hour, making it so that I'm getting a late start on anything I'm trying to do on a weeknight.

I digress... so yes, excuses excuses and then some more excuses. Then Friday rolled around and I was so excited for the weekend, so happy to FINALLY leave work (45 minutes later than normal), and to get home and have some friends over for drinks and games... and then my husband ended up on working 3 hours late, my children transformed into demon spawn, and I had a couple beers before my eldest was in bed for the night. Within an hour of both kids being in bed, I was a little tipsy and then decided I was on a mission to get a little drunk and enjoy my Friday night since I was at home and didn't have to drive anywhere. This turned into staying up until 2am at which point I started falling asleep in the middle of the game and promptly went to bed.

Funny thing about going to bed at 2am when it's your turn to get up with your kids the following morning... IT DOESN'T WORK OUT SO GREAT AND MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP.

I was completely disappointed in myself as this was the first thing I wrote on my "who I want to be" list over a week ago - "The person I want to be does not stay up until 2am drinking/socializing if it's her turn to get up with her children in the morning. Or at all." So much for that, eh?!

I tried dozing on the couch while the boys played, but they have such a love-hate relationship that I ended up refereeing most of the morning... finally at 10am my husband came downstairs and tapped me out to go take a nap. I slept 3 hours. I wasted almost my entire day. Saturday morning is cleaning time, not taking-a-nap time. I didn't get all the vacuuming done I normally do, but at least I got some laundry going, cleaned up the kitchen, and got the tile swept up in prep for some mopping. The day was over before it even began, and I skipped my workout completely because I was so tired, but also because I was feeling completely depressed. I was/am completely disappointed in myself for acting so irresponsible about sleep knowing full-well this would push me into a low place for the next few days, doing nothing except perpetuate my tendency toward bad habits. Vicious cycle.

I did slightly better with bedtime Saturday night, but was still very tired Sunday and opted for a nap in place of a workout, which may have no been the better choice. Now I'm struggling to settled back into my "asleep before midnight" place, and am starting to battle that inner-monologue of, "You just can't do it. Just accept that being sleep-deprived and depressed is who you are." Which is completely untrue.

It's so upsetting to feel myself slipping back into this bad head-space, and so that is depressing me, too. I'm definitely trying to stay positive and try not to let the frustration/anger/sadness/apathy pull me too deeply into the "why bother?" place, but I also know that I need to get on top of this sleep thing and cut back the beer/wine intake over the next couple weeks in order to help me stay level.

Moving on to other subjects...

I restarted Female Body Breakthrough last week (which I will now refer to as FBB - also, I think I probably already mentioned this at some point.. whoops), and while I didn't get the third workout in on Saturday thanks to my late-night antics wiping me out, I did jump right back to it Monday evening like a champ. The moves are already getting easier for me, and I think I can add a little bit heavier weight beginning next week. I'm not rushing myself with the weight during this first "phase", though, because I feel like I've done that with other programs in the past and really ended up sacrificing proper form and therefore wasn't building strength like I wanted to. Anyways. The workouts are hard as hell, but feel totally awesome. At first they were taking me a bit longer to get through, but now that I've got the warm-up down without needing to check the book a million times, I've been able to shave about 8-10 minutes off the total workout time.

I'm really enjoying things this go 'round, even though it's obviously early in the program. I'm not making any promises to you or even really to myself that I'll finish the full 16 weeks, because I feel like I jinx and self-sabotage the moment I start saying things like, "I'm definitely doing ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME this time!" -- so, we'll just leave it at: I'm enjoying myself much more this time around, I'm loving how the workouts are making me feel, and at this moment I'm feeling positive about being able to stick with it for a bit.

Overcoming Myself

Last week I began drafting the following post:

"Well, if I said it once I've said it a thousand times: 2 weeks into regular exercise and a slightly better diet, and I am feeling about 100 times more positive about life. It's like I can see my depression chillin' just slightly behind me, waiting for me to acknowledge it - but I haven't felt the need to invite it to curl up in my lap and consume me. I'm just like, ‘Oh, hey, what's up Depression? Yeah, I can still see/feel the stress and sadness in my life... but I don't need to dive into it right now. 'Cause EXERCISE, MO' FO'!!’ 

Or something like that.

 I’ve been spending more time with my husband, reading more, watching less TV, cooking more regularly, drinking alcohol only a couple times a week, and smoking only occasionally. I am definitely concerned at how long this will all last, as I feel like every January thru March looks like this, and then April and warmer weather roll around and it puts me into “party” mode – wanting to stay up, socialize ALL THE TIME, drink! With drinking comes smoking! And by October I’m right back where I started. I keep repeating to myself that it doesn’t have to be a cycle, that this can be a real and lasting lifestyle change. It’s all up to me. It’s my choice.
 Hey, maybe this is just a manic phase. That's entirely possible, too. But I'm going to attribute this upswing to the outdoor runs I’ve managed to sneak in on the two (yes, only two) days that it was in the upper 40’s here – plus the other 3-4 days a week I’ve been either lifting weights or doing some yoga. That's right. I’ve worked out 4-5 days a week for the last 2 weeks. I’m also especially proud of myself because I managed to keep up with all this exercise even after a 48-hour bout of sickness AND have worked around social plans. Since the weather has turned bitter cold again, I’m hoping to get up to the local rec center on the weekends to knock out some runs on the treadmill. 

To hopefully help myself stay on track, I’m registering for my first 5k which will be just 2 days before my 30^th birthday!”

I was feeling incredibly upbeat, energetic, I was doing better at work, I was motivated in all areas of life, etc. I had an appointment with my counselor and was feeling like I didn’t even need to be there because things were awesome and I had figured out what my problem was and I just needed to be smart about exercising and eating better.

Then the weekend came… and went, and I realized the secret might not be exercise or eating right (although these things are obviously important in a million other ways and are contributing factors, I’m sure) – but for me, the Big Secret is probably sleep. All the sleep. All the time.

I had been going to bed between 10 and 11pm almost every night the last couple weeks. It was so much easier to get up with my children at 6:30am when I wasn’t staying up until 1 or 2am. (You can just call me Captain Obvious.) But the biggest proof that it might be sleep more than anything else was this most recent weekend, where I got significantly less sleep than I’d been getting (think those or 1 or 2am bedtimes of the recent past). It sent me into a tailspin. I may or may not have cried myself to sleep Monday night. (Hint: I totally did.) I started feeling overwhelmed with job-work, housework, and Mom Duty, I started in on myself for not doing a “real” workout even though I did 30 minutes of yoga and had run 2.25 miles the day before, I started flipping out about having to work the next day, etc, etc. At first I thought to myself, “See? This was just a manic phase – you’re not really better.” I was crying because I it was like, oh no – I’m going to be miserable every day again and I don’t think I can live like that. I’m so tired of being miserable. I’ve been so much happier. I don’t want to be like this. Then I started to realize how little sleep I got over the weekend and how busy I had been and how active I had been… and I realized, oh shit. I’ve exhausted myself and this is now my emotional response. I’m not sinking back into a depression that I have no control over – I have absolute control in this moment, in this situation, to just get more sleep.

The good news? I can generally make sure that I get the amount of sleep that I need in order to keep my depression in check. The bad news? This means a pretty significant adjustment of my social-life. It means if we go out for a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, I probably won’t be staying out much past that 11:30/midnight threshold. And you definitely won’t be seeing as many random weeknights of being up/out until or past midnight. This may put a little bit of a damper on my interaction with some of my friends – but maintaining my mental health is way more important to me right now than late-night socialization. There may come a time in the not-so-distant future where my work/life balance will be a bit better and less stressful and I can once again survive and function perfectly well with a later bedtime – but that time ain’t now, unfortunately.

So, now that I figured out that crazy puzzle – let’s move on to this 5K thing… and this turning 30 thing.

The fact that I’m about to be 30 is hitting me a little harder than I ever thought it would. Hey, but what better gift to give myself than a healthier lifestyle? And hopefully focusing on that will keep my thoughts away from, “What have you done with your life? What are you doing with your life currently? YOU COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER!”

Man, my inner-monologue is such an ass.

So, I signed up for a 5K since I all of a sudden fell in love with running at the end of last summer after being someone who hated running for most of my life. I never understood how my dad found solace on his runs until 5 months ago. It’s like a safe-place for me now. Maybe that’s part of getting older?  But it’s not just running, it’s all my workouts. I’m really thankful for that. It makes it a lot easier to continue motivating to get the exercise done, to get the workout in, to make it all fit into my full life.

I’m regularly running about 2 - 2.5 miles when it’s been warm enough to get out, and lately I’ve been averaging about a 15/min mile including a walking warm-up and cool-down (and some walking in the middle to catch my breath!). That would put me at about 45 minutes, give or take, for a 5K (3.2 miles). My goal is to come in a little under that. Maybe 40 minutes? I’m not trying to win anything, I’m doing this for me. I may hate it. Who knows?! It’s only a $30 registration fee and it’s something I want to try, so I’m going for it. I’m hoping by the end of this month it’ll warm up enough that I can get out 2 or 3 times a week and build up my endurance/speed before the race on April 13^th.

Okay, so now that I’ve figured out the best way for me to fight the funk, and I’ve rediscovered my love and motivation for exercise, I guess it’s time to post some pictures which I am very unhappy with. I may have only gained 4-5 lbs over the last couple months, but it looks like almost all of that was fat. Super.

January 12th, 2014 - 194lbs

Really super attractive, right? NOT! Oh man, I am so unhappy with these that I almost don't want them on here... but how can I see my progress if I don't have an accurate depiction of where I'm starting? I'm always bummed that I don't have better photos from my start in January of 2012 - so here we go.

Since 1/13/14 I’ve been doing a mix of things. I’m regularly doing yoga 2-3 times a week, and I’ve been sort of modifying the Starting Strength program and goofing off with lifting, and throwing in some random dancing around in between sets, etc. Many of you who are friends with me on Facebook see this come through from MyFitnessPal as “some lifting, some jumping around, some stretching” – and that’s basically all it’s been.

The last few days (which also could be attributed to not-enough-sleep), I’ve been feeling really down about my 14-month long plateau/fluctuation from 189 – 194lbs. I’ve eaten at all kinds of different calorie levels throughout the last 14 months, from 1600-1800/day to 2400-2600/day. My diet has also varied from primarily at-home cooking, eating “whole” foods to eating more processed/restaurant foods and back again. I’ve tried several different exercise/lifting programs. No loss, no substantial gain. My body composition has changed quite a bit, but not as much as I would have liked and my estimated body fat percentage is still a good 8-10% higher than where I want it. Basically this all boils down to the fact that I’ve been lax in my commitment to weight and fat loss. I’ve been unwilling to cut out my favorite foods and I’ve been hesitant and sometimes flat-out unwilling to really push myself during exercise. On the former, I’m still unwilling to completely eliminate my favorite foods – which is not to say I couldn’t stand to cut back further on some of the junk I like to indulge in, I absolutely can and should. However, I do solidly believe that the bigger problem is the latter – the unwillingness to put in the hardest work no matter how uncomfortable it is. I feel like this is changing for me, though. I feel like over the last week or so especially, I’ve been much more willing to push myself and challenge myself – to tell myself, “You CAN knock out those last two reps”, “You CAN run all the way to the mailbox at the top of the hill”, instead of “I’m just so tired/out of breath/uncomfortable, it’s okay if I stop here.”

It might sound stupid, but I’ve also taken to pumping myself up before I exercise – saying to myself that I’ve got this, that it’s gonna be awesome and feel great, that I’m strong and can get it done, etc, etc. Sometimes out loud! My husband enjoys that… and by “enjoys” I mean “enjoys making fun of me”. But I don’t care! It seems to work!

Another change: the last few months I’ve been keeping a fitness journal. I keep a notebook with me while I’m lifting and record all my weights, reps, sets, etc. along with how I’m feeling physically and emotionally. I also write in here whenever I go for a run or do some yoga and record how those made me feel. I’ll try to record if I’m running on too little sleep, or was feeling particularly hungry or had a lack of appetite, etc. This is where I record my measurements every couple weeks. All the things! Pretty much the only thing health and fitness related that doesn’t get written in this notebook is my food journaling, which I obviously do on MyFitnessPal.

Okay, so since I got all down on myself about lack of body changes and feeling stuck, I decided to revisit “The Female Body Breakthrough” by Rachel Cosgrove. Some of you may remember when I started this program back in 2012… twice. I never finished it, and I can’t promise or guarantee that it’ll get finished this time, as it’s entirely possible that I’ll get bored and move on to something else in order to maintain my motivation to keep up with regular exercise.

I restarted the program last night after spending the last several days obsessively trying to figure out what I was “doing right” the last time I had a decent run of steady weight loss. The two times over the last couple years that I had significant drops were when I was goofing around with FBB. Why not give it another shot and actually push myself and put some real effort in this time? So I did the first “base phase” workout last night and HOLY CRAP! My fitness level has increased EXPONENTIALLY since the last time I did this. It made me feel so good that I could do every move without needing to modify, and also that I was able to get through the 3 sets instead of just 2. The only thing I still don’t love about the program is the fricken 15-20 minute “warm-up”. It seems excessive. But I’m hoping once I get more familiar with it, it’ll go a little faster. Overall it took me about an hour to get through Workout A. This is only about 10-15 minutes longer than my ‘some lifting, some jumping around, some stretching’ goof-off routine I’ve been doing the last few weeks – and, as I said, the more familiar I become with the routine and the less I have to stop to look at the book, it may be faster. I see people on the MFP forums talk about how it only takes them about 30-45 mins, so there you have it.

This week is my fourth week back in the regular exercise game, so this weekend I’ll take new measurements (I took some a few weeks ago to see where I was from November, but never posted them – oops!) and new pictures. I already have a feeling that the new pictures are going to be much better than those above. 

January So Far

Well, I gained a few pounds. Since weighing in at the beginning of the month, I've gained about 3 pounds. Legit gain, as the scale has reflected the same number about 4 times now. (Yes, I know, I'm obviously stepping on the scale too much.) It's funny how much easier it was to maintain that positive body image thinking/talk when I was maintaining a 1-2 pound fluctuation between 189 and 191... now I'm seeing 194 when I step on the scale, I'm having a hard time keeping that positive monologue going. But I'm committed to my resolution of no fat talk, and have refused to say, "I feel fat", etc. Talking about it like that isn't going to change it - being smart with food choices and exercise will. So I'm officially back on those bandwagons. I'm hoping this will help with my mood, as well.

Last Monday Mike and I decided to give the T25 program a shot, and I realized one very important thing about myself: I have an extreme dislike of workout videos. If it's not Jane Fonda's Low Impact Aerobics circa 1986 (I really wish they would release this on DVD!!) or yoga, it doesn't hold my interest for some reason. But, I told myself I would go through the rest of the week to try all of the different workouts. I bet this will shock the hell out of you... that didn't happen.

Tuesday was a bad day... Monday had also been a bad day... and then Tuesday just added to it. I came home from work so defeated, I had to just go lie in bed for a while. I let Mike fix dinner for himself and the kids while I felt sorry for myself for a little while and then after we got the kids to bed, all I wanted to do was cuddle up on the couch and not think about life for a while. So that's what we did. I'll give it to him, he tried pretty hard to motivate me to get the workout done, but when I started crying he dropped it pretty quick. ...that's not to say I was being a brat, but more saying that's how overwhelmed I was with everything.

Wednesday was a terrible day at work and I felt like I might start dropping F-bombs and walk out the door at any given moment. I don't how, but I managed to get super motivated to lift heavy things when I got home that evening. I cooked dinner and then headed down to the basement for some muscular punishment. It felt awesome. I had to start all over again with weight and was only able to knock out 3x3's on my working sets, but it's a start. It counts. And it felt good, and I felt good about doing it. I also danced/jumped around a lot in between my sets, so bonus goofing off cardio was had. Thursday night I did some power yoga with my fav yogi, Rodney Yee (and by "with", I mean on my television), to stretch out my sore muscles... silly me, I forgot what a core workout yoga can be! While I succeeded in stretching out my quads, glutes, hamstrings and back - I also succeeded in giving my abs a pretty crucial workout and had some pretty decent soreness Friday morning.

I had dinner plans Friday night with some girlfriends and didn't get any purposeful exercise in, but it was good to have a full evening out without having to worry about kiddos or anything. And I did a little dancing with post-dinner drinks. Saturday my workout was cleaning my house -- that felt good in a number of ways! I felt productive, the house was clean (obviously)...well, mostly... laundry got done, etc. We took the kids for a playdate, and then I stayed in with my husband for the evening (who's currently fighting a nasty cold -- here's hoping I don't catch it). It's been a while since I've just sat around catching up on DVR'd TV on a weekend evening and gone to bed a decent time. It was really nice. Unfortunately, I slept like total crap. I tossed and turned all night. According to my FitBit I was up about 30 times throughout the night. Even with the crappy night's sleep, I felt pretty decent Sunday morning. I fixed myself a good breakfast, headed out to run errands, got dinner in the slow cooker, Mike put Nolan down for his nap and I thought to myself, "I think I should go for a run." So I did. It was only about 48 degrees outside - which is certainly much warmer than it has been around here, and much warmer than it will be for the next 8 or 9 days - but I threw on the little bit of cold-weather running gear I own, and figured with it being such a sunny day I'd survive. Wouldn't you know - I did. I will say that the first 10-15 minutes was pretty miserable and I seriously regretted not putting some knit gloves on. I can't remember exactly when last I ran, but I want to say it was at least October if not September. I went a little over 2 miles and did walk/run intervals just based on how I was feeling, how long it took me to get my breath, etc. When I was running I was averaging a 10-12 minute mile, which is pretty decent for me. According to my HRM (I use a Polar FT4, in case anyone was wondering), I burned about 465 calories. My heart rate was pretty high most of the time, which shows how out of shape I really am. But damn, it felt really good to be out there -- especially once I got moving fast enough to keep my body warm. I wrapped up my 2 plus miles and felt like I could have done it all over again, but decided it would probably be smart not to overdo it on my first day back out. I will say, I definitely don't think I could run in weather any colder than, say, 45. I definitely found it much harder to breathe in the cold air. I'm very much looking forward to the hot days of summer. Even when it would be 90 degrees at 8pm, it never bothered me to go for a run.

I did a LOT of stretching once I got back home, and I'm hoping that will pay off with my soreness Monday since I play on jumping right back into my lifting routine while I seem to have all this motivation to get exercise done. Thankfully my B lifts are more upper-body, less legs. Right now I'm planning to try to get yoga in on non-lift days. As I said above, I believe it will be just too frigid to run here for the next week or so. (Our high on Weds is supposed to be 15. YUCK!)

Friday evening, Saturday afternoon/evening, and pretty much all of today (Sunday) my mood has been pretty good. It's almost like I still feel the depression following me around, but it's not actively bothering me - which is very nice. I ate really well today, and all the exercise over the last few days I'm sure has helped immensely. It might also help that I haven't smoked or had any alcohol since Friday evening. I know with my return to work tomorrow that hiatus won't last long, though. The stress really gets to me during the week and sometimes I feel like a beer and a cigarette is the only thing that really help me "wind down" -- maybe lifting and yoga can take their place. I'll think positively on that while I'm feeling like I'm in a positive place and leave it at that.

One of the many fitness bloggers I follow posted a writing/motivation exercise recently that I'm thinking about trying - sort of along the lines of lifting/yoga/running taking the place of regularly drinking and smoking. She asked her followers to think about the person they want to become, to write down the answers to a few simple questions, as well as anything else they feel might be pertinent; what does that person do? how do they behave? who do they spend time with? As well as more health/fitness related questions: what do they eat? how much do they sleep? why type of exercise do they do and how often?

I thought this could be a useful exercise for me and something that I'm planning to work on over the next couple weeks as I find the time/have the motivation.

Positive thought of the day: I'm really proud of myself for taking advantage of my sudden motivation to go for a run today, and I'm also really proud of myself for taking the time to do so much playing with Nolan today without messing on my phone or trying to take care of chores or anything else at the same time. I know my kids really appreciate that, and I think I appreciate it more than I realize.

Run down

Well, James has been running high fevers on and off since about 3am Monday morning and so I stayed at home with him yesterday and am home again today.. last night about 9pm I just started to feel incredibly run down. I'm afraid maybe I'm starting to fight whatever virus he's got. It seems like one of the 3 of us is always sick for Christmas. :-\  It sucks. I haven't worked out since Tuesday of last week and I'm feeling pretty down on myself for that, however I'm doing really well with my calories since I haven't been exercising. I'm going to be realistic here and just own up to the fact that I probably will not be making it to the gym this week - but next week I really need to lock back in on my routine.

Here are my stats for the last two days..

12/19:

• total calories: 1809 - unfortunately I went about 20g over my fat intake for the day though. Ate lots of cheese and other dairy.. oh well. Win some, lose some.
• no workout
• no smoking
• 11:30pm bedtime
• used some Christmas money to go out for a nice lunch with the hubby - $3 spent on starbucks from the weekly fund. 

12/20:

• total calories: 1427 - I was really blown away at how little I ate yesterday, even with making some Christmas cookies and stuff. I just wasn't really hungry at all yesterday which is another reason that makes me think I'm fighting this virus... 
• no workout
• 1 cigarette which made me feel like I wanted to throw-up. Ick.
• 10:30 bedtime
• $0 spent ($40 left for the week)

My weight for this week was 198lbs - 2lbs less than last week, so I'm not really sure how to feel about that since I was at 195.8 two weeks ago.. I'm not sure if I've actually gained or lost or WHAT! lol   My clothes continue to fit better and better everyday and I can start really seeing a difference in my face, so I'm not going to stress too much as long as I keep feeling like I'm making progress. Once the holidays are over and I can settle back into a consistent exercise routine I think I'll start seeing results at a quicker pace. I've also been thinking about re-reading Jackie Warner's book just to give myself some inspiration. We'll see how that goes.

Mike and I got all of James's presents wrapped last night plus all of our gifts to extended family - I'm going to try to get his wrapped while I'm home today. I'm so glad I'm done with all my shopping! Usually this time of year I'm going crazy trying to get everything finished up.

On another note, I started reading The Magicians by Lev Grossman a couple weeks ago and I'm almost finished with it. I definitely recommend it! Be warned - the beginning is a little slow, but once it picks up it gets really good. I'm really excited for the second book in the series next Summer! I'm almost done with this book.. and just like anytime I'm reading a book I really enjoy, as I get down to the final chapters I start stressing about leaving those characters behind. I'm going to miss them all.. I'm glad this is the beginning of a series - it will be exciting to see where things go. Now, I just have to figure out what to start reading next after I finish this - which will probably be sometime today.

So my goals for this week are:
- smoke as little as possible
- continue to limit alcohol intake to 3 beverages or less per get-together/outing
- continue 11:30pm bedtime
- 1900 calories or less a day (I have to say it felt really weird allowing myself to eat so much doing the 2100 calories - once I get back in the gym maybe we'll revisit this)

Two posts in one day! Mon dieu!

Just wanted to get a couple things off my chest...

As many of you followers know, I joined a gym week before last. Great, fine, whatever. I went 4 days last week, felt pretty good about getting back into the grove of things. I went today after work to get do my arms/chest and legs routine and to get 20 mins or so of cardio in. As soon as I walked into the gym I felt uncomfortable. I hopped on the elliptical and started a quick 5 minute warm-up before heading on to do my weights... and then when I went to do my weights I realized: this gym has, like, NONE of the machines I'm used to using. They didn't even have a squat machine. At all. Not a seated one, and not a standing one either. I spent a good 30 minutes just using free-weights -- which is totally fine, except that I'm not paying $35/mo just to use dumbbells, especially when my best successes were accomplished using a variety of different machinery in conjunction with free-weights. I was just irritated. This is a brand new gym that opened (although it's a chain - LA Fitness)... I just realized today that I really kind of hate it. I'm not comfortable there at all - I seriously feel like the fattest person in the place, and it seems like almost everyone that goes there knows everyone else. It just had a weird vibe for me. I dunno - maybe I'm just a crazy person. Anyway...

So I headed over to Golds after my workout and ended up talking to the GM over there about a membership. They can offer me $23/month - with no sign-up fee. Sweet! Plus, as soon as I walked into the place I just felt like I was "home" - I mean, it's the gym I had been going to for almost 4 years, so I guess that makes sense in a way. Everyone is SO nice there (all the staff), and the people that work out there are just there to workout. It's not about looking all sexified, it's not about socializing, it's just about getting your sweat on and working hard toward that rockin' body. Plus I know like 3 people that go there so maybe I can get myself a gym buddy in the process.

Anyhoo - I think I'm going to go ahead and cancel my LA Fitness membership tomorrow, and sign up with Golds again. I feel really awesome about this decision and it just makes me even more excited to continue on this weight-loss journey!

Staying on track

This morning I woke up feeling like I didn't get near enough rest - and the thought of hitting the gym after work was less-than-pleasing. I already had my gym bag packed and ready to go, thank goodness because I was running HORRIBLY late already. I threw it in the car and headed to work with my breakfast-to-go in tupperware.. out into the 18 degree morning. The high tomorrow is estimated to be 26, with a low of 12.

IT'S NOT EVEN WINTER YET, MOTHER NATURE! GET WITH IT!!

This kind of cold coupled with the 4pm sunset is really wrecking havoc on my being-happy-and-motivated-ness.

Once I got into work and woke up a little bit I was feeling better about heading to the gym - only to realize that we made plans with my parents straight after work to go to this "festival of lights" thing out in Gainesville-ish, which is almost an hour away. We realistically probably won't be back home until 7 or 8pm and then I'll need to get James straight to bed. Basically this all means that if I want to try to go to the gym I probably won't actually get there until close to 9pm.. and I just don't think I'm willing to go that late since that will give me NO wind-down time after work/family stuff before it'll just be time for ME to go to bed. So my plan is to do what I can of the core workout I did with the personal trainer last week at home before bedtime. Or maybe I'll do one of my Jackie Warner 15 minute workouts. I am definitely going to try to do SOMETHING. And then definitely hit the gym tomorrow afternoon.

I did not even have the time to hop on the scale and take measurements this morning so I will be sure to do that tomorrow and give updates on that!

Stats for yesterday, 12/12:

• total calories: 1871 - muuuuch better than Saturday's totals. Plus, with the exception of a Lean Cuisine for dinner, I had ALL whole foods yesterday. I was quite proud of myself and felt 100 times better after eating all those fruits and veggies!
• no workout - my day consisted mostly of sleeping on my couch recovering from the 3am night.
• 3 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime
• $0 spent

Goals for this week:

• workout at least 4 times this week - at home, at the gym, wherever. Just get it done.
• get to bed by 11:30pm
• 2100 calories or less a day
• no more than 6 cigarettes a day
• no more than 3 alcoholic beverages per outing/get-together

Dyyyyyyiiiiinnnnnngggg

First, let me do yesterday's stats:

12/8:

• total calories: 2000 - as you can see I went a bit over my standard calorie intake. I'm not too concerned, actually. I think some variation during the week is good. As long as I'm not going over by like 500 calories and it's not happening everyday I'm not gonna beat myself up over it. I also ate almost all whole foods all day so those calories were high in nutrients.
• no workout - I was exhausted after work and incredibly sore from my workout Tues night. 
• 2 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime - had to stay up and watch the 6th Harry Potter! SO GOOD!
• $0 spent

Now, on to events that happened today... I had my personal training assessment and workout at the gym. One of those "free" dealies to get you sucked into giving the gym all your money. And what I discovered is: I'm incredibly out of shape. Like more out of shape than I ever wanted to admit to. Cardio? Sure thing. An hour of resistance training focusing on core? Please kill me now.

I thought I had a pretty strong core. Before I had a baby I was really proud of my flat toned tummy - and my 100 crunches I did every morning. Granted since having a baby my belly has never really been the same. I'm pretty sure almost every mother on the planet has experienced this. But apparently my core is SUPER weak. I had no idea how bad it was. Holding plank position for 90 seconds made me feel like I was gonna die. Not to mention how incredibly difficult it was to do certain other types of arm/leg exercises that require your core to balance you. Eff. After this hour I hopped on the elliptical to finish off the workout - and just moving my legs, I could feel my lower belly just SCREAMING at me. Tomorrow is gonna be hell I'm sure.

Good news: My legs are incredibly strong. To that I say: DUH. Have you SEEN my thighs? Yes, they're big.. but they aren't squishy. Nowhere close.

So since I'm a new member the personal training would cost half of what it usually does - unfortunately I can't spare the extra $120/month right now. It makes me want to cry pretty hard. Now I have a pretty good idea of what I need to focus on... lower core. In laymans terms? What I like to call: Mommy rolls. Or my baby pooch.

I have a pretty good idea of where I need to start - I can remember everything we did today during the workout. I really wish I had a gym buddy. I feel like such a fool doing floor exercises by myself. But I just have to get the fuck over that mess!!!

From an emotional standpoint: I definitely began the negative inner-monologue almost as soon as the workout ended. "Wow, Jess - way to get excited about losing 20 pounds the last 5 months... doesn't do you much good if you have no strength whatsoever.", etc, etc, etc... it also didn't help that this chick told me I was "off the scale" for BMI when I KNOW that when you take my build into consideration my actual height/weight ratio is just a little bit above normal -- not obese. BMI is really pretty flawed. If you really want to know how to assess your health by your height/weight, you have to use ALL your measurements - including like how big your wrists are, or how thick your arms are at the elbow. That kind of stuff. I know why gyms don't go by that - it takes a lot longer to get all those measurements and stuff. Anyways... I digress. So I started this negative inner-monologue almost immediately and my motivation to want to KEEP going to the gym took a nose-dive, as well as my desire to want to continue to count calories... and just kind of all that general "take care of yourself" stuff. I got in my car and just felt those negative feelings spiraling out of control and literally said out loud to myself, "STOP IT. You're being totally ridiculous. Now you know your trouble spots, you can WORK on them. You CAN get stronger, you CAN fix this. You're doing great. And the better your diet gets, the more weight you lose, the EASIER it will be for your body to do those exercises."

I'm feeling much better about it now. This is just another wake-up call - much like my wake-up call back in June I talked about in yesterday's post. I'm too heavy and my body is suffering and, if I don't do something about it, my health will start to suffer soon, too - especially as I get older.

SO! As I told Mike when he asked me how my personal training went, It was good and it was bad. I hated it because it made me realize how out of shape I really am and she made me work harder than I felt I really could/should (even though I did it) - and I loved it because it made me realize how out of shape I really am and because she made me work harder than I thought I could.

A Changing Outlook

I’m going to talk a little bit more about breaking the 200lb mark this week... and by "a little bit", I mean "a whole lot":

I’ve always been someone who didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the number on the scale – I think part of that is because I’m so tall that I’ve always weighed more than I looked like I should, and always weighed more than 90% of my peers because of my height. It’s no fun listening to your 5’4 girlfriends complain about weighing a meager 120-125lbs and wearing a size 4 when the last time you weighed 125lbs you were 11… and never wore a size 4 because along with puberty came hips.

It took a long time for me to realize that being between 140 and 150lbs at 5’10 WAS super skinny. And that wearing a size 8 or 10 was pretty fantastic. Unfortunately by the time I realized that I had already started to gain a little weight. Honestly, I think being between 160 and 170 was a much healthier weight for me especially when you consider that I actually had muscle tone at that weight – whereas in high school being super thin, I was just that: super thin. Not toned. It was in my late teens that I stopped focusing on the scale and started paying more attention to how I felt in my clothing, how my clothing fit, and more on the sizes I was wearing. If I could still fit into my 10s and 12s and felt like I still looked good then I must not have gained too much weight. Even when I bumped up to a 14 I still felt pretty confident in the way I looked.

I’m sure I’ve said this before – but when I got pregnant I was the heaviest I’d ever been at 170lbs. I gained exactly what I should have during my pregnancy and 2 days before my son was born I weighed 205lbs. I lost almost all of that weight in the month after James was born – and then I became stressed and depressed due to certain circumstances most of you followers already know about… and I packed 25 of those 35lbs back on. I was a size 16 for the first time in my life, but I had just had a baby so I wasn’t really stressed over it. I never had trouble losing/maintaining weight in my life, why should now be any different? I finally got back into the gym in the summer of ’06, lost enough to fit back into my 14s, then fluctuated in the lower-to-upper 180s for a while. I got engaged in the beginning of ’08 and really started hitting the gym pretty hard and by that August, just in time for my wedding, I was down to my pre-baby weight of 170! Go me!!

When you get married and you have to get all that paperwork taken care of and all the administrative crap… someone should give you this disclaimer: Getting married can cause inexplicable weight gain...IN LARGE AMOUNTS. It’s just how life works. You’re not trying to impress anyone anymore, you’re happy, you’re probably going out to eat more, you’re not focused on hitting the gym everyday because you’re a NEWLYWED and you want to spend time with your NEW HUSBAND/WIFE. It’s VERY EXCITING! Add to this the fact that you continue to get older every year… shocking, I know… and it becomes harder and harder to lose all that “happy weight”.

Let’s fast forward to January 2010: I’ve just continually gained weight since I got married… I can no longer fit into a single pair of my size 14’s, and now my 16s have gotten too small. Instead of going to Target and purchasing a SCALE so that I can actually SEE how much weight I’ve gained in a little over a year, I decide to purchase new clothing… yes. That’s right. 18. I had to graduate to 18. I like to blame this on my 6 months stint on Prozac for lovely anxiety… but the reality is I got lazy, I ate crap, and if I had been taking care of myself I wouldn’t have gained nearly the amount of weight that I did over that 6 month period. When I went to the doctor that month I was at 206lbs. One pound heavier than I had been at 9 MONTHS PREGNANT!

(Quick FYI to the guys out there:  going from a size 14 to a size 18 in girl sizes is like going from a size 30 to a size 36 in dude sizes. It’s pretty substaintial.)

Okay, so you would think this GIANT LEAP to weighing more than I had when I was pregnant would have been some kind of huge wake-up call, right? WRONG. Instead I just got fucking depressed… and then by June I weighed a lovely 215lbs.

That was the wake-up call for me. That, and looking at pictures of my fat-self… lol…plus the realization that my size 18 pants were starting to feel tight. UNACCEPTABLE.

Being under 200lbs again feels amazing. It’s hard for me to articulate. I feel emotionally lighter. I feel like it IS actually possible for me to reach my “dream” weight. This is a HUGE thing for me. It’s hard to describe.

 In Spring of ’09 my gym offered me 2 free personal training sessions – I was at about 180-185 at the time… and the trainer asked me what my goal weight was and I went off on this whole thing about how I didn’t care if I weighed 180 for the rest of my life, I just wanted to be healthy, toned, strong… and he again asked me, “Okay, but what is your GOAL weight?” and I said 150, and then immediately added, “But I know I’ll never be that again. I’ve had a baby, I’m older now. I’d be happy with 170.” I wasn’t giving myself any credit. At the time 170 was a small loss for me. It was shortly thereafter that I stopped going to the gym regularly and began the process of gaining and gaining quickly.

Today I feel like 150 is an attainable goal. It might take another year, maybe a little more – but the point is that I KNOW I can get there. It’s all about small steps. A couple months ago I wanted to be at 200, I made it, I surpassed it! Now I’m focusing on 180.

The biggest thing is that now I enjoy taking care of myself, I enjoy eating right and learning about nutrition and how different foods help my body. I enjoy exercising and feeling the difference in my energy level and my emotional health. This has been an incredible experience for me! I’m really proud of myself!

<end rant>

Stats for 12/7:

• total calories: 1974 - yesterday was my MIL's birthday and we went to Olive Garden, and I would have done juuuuust fine if I hadn't had that margarita later in the evening... it's okay though. I hit the gym pretty hard before heading to dinner and my net calories for the day were only 1610. Not going to beat myself up over this one.
• calories burned: 364 - weight lifting for the win!
• 2 cigarettes - smoking has been really weird for me this last week. It's like I really WANT to smoke (especially when I'm drinking or with my smoker friends), but then when I do I feel really yucky and the next morning - no matter if I smoke 1 cigarette or 10 - I feel awful and my chest feels heavy and I'm all coughy and gross. Quitting has turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be for me. 
• 12am bedtime  - stayed up too late reading.
• $15 on drinks ($21 left for week - dinner was free thanks to my FIL!)

I haven't decided if I want to go to the gym tonight or not - I'm feeling like I might be coming down with a cold or something, and I have a personal training assessment tomorrow evening that I really really want to go to and don't want to reschedule. Maybe I'll do some yoga or something at home. 

Water weight - not a myth!

Part of me has always felt like water weight (water retention) was kind of a cop-out for putting on a small amount of weight of a short period of time… but I learned this week that water weight does really exist and I experienced it for probably one of the first times in my life that I was consciously aware of.

I posted on Monday stating that I gained 3lbs while on vacation – I knew this to be true, my scale told me so and the way my pants fit confirmed the scale’s bad news. I also couldn’t comfortably have my belt on the 5th notch like I had been able to do for a couple weeks now.

Well, all day Monday I rehydrated… on any given day I drink between 64 and 100oz of water, however, while in NLR I think I’m lucky if I drank 32oz of water every day. I definitely noticed a difference in my energy level on a few days, and the amount of chapstick applications required lol. Tuesday morning I woke up, put on the very same work slacks I had worn the day before (c’mon, people, they’re work pants. You can wear them more than once.) with the same belt… and in a 24 hour period my pants went from fitted to loose, and I went back down to my 5th belt notch. Hydration for the win!

Water is pretty awesome. Not gonna lie.

Other good news: I FINALLY got my gym membership!!! I'm really excited about it! And my mom actually said that she was thinking about joining too so we can go together - which will be an EXCELLENT motivator for me. :)

Okay, so I know I didn’t post yesterday – work got a little insane and the evening was even busier for me. So here are two days worth of stats:

11/29:

• total calories: 2040 - 163 over my goal. I had a donut in the morning... and then after dinner I ate some triscuits and cheese and that's what killed me. That donut wasn't even that good. -.-   I was really hungry in the evening and I haven't had a chance to hit the grocery store since we got back so the only snack food was, well, snack food... instead of having lettuce and stuff to make a salad or fruit to eat. 
• no workout - exhausted from the drive still. 
• 3 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime
• $4 spent on lunch ($36 for the week/$100 for the month)

11/30:

• total calories: 1872 - shy of my limit by just 5 calories. Beer intake is KILLING me. I really need to stick to white wine. Or start drinking that "diet" beer.. Mich Ultra, Bud Select 55.. bud they're gross. True fact. 
• no workout - shit got busy and the weather was awful. :-\
• 9 cigarettes.. ugggh. As I smoked my last cigarette of the night I realized.. I'm over it. And I'm so much MORE over it today now that I feel like a truck ran over my chest. Good riddance!
• 12am bedtime
• $6 spent on lunch ($30 for the week) - thanks to the utter lack of anything edible in our house since I've had not ANY time to go grocery shopping, we've had to eat out for lunch twice now. However, yesterday we went to subway where I had a turkey on wheat stuffed with veggies - it was SUPER good!

The plan for today is to hit the gym. I enrolled online, though, and haven't yet received my confirmation email so I'm not sure how that works exactly... I printed my contract with my electronic signature though, so I'm pretty sure I can just take that with me up there and get my keycard and stuff. However, if I don't make it I'm not going to kick myself - this week is mostly about getting back to good eating and getting plenty of rest to recover from the horrific drive home.

On vacation

Sorry I haven't posted since, what, thursday? I left for vacation Friday afternoon and then was busy driving for two days.. and yesterday I was exhausted from the two days of driving. But I'm all caught up on my calorie tracking now and I have internet access so here we go!

I'm just going to give you a quick overview of the last few days... just calories and what I consumed to get those calories:


Thursday, Nov. 18th:

• total calories: 1387 - but I skipped dinner this day. I got real stressed out in the afternoon and worked myself all up and ended up making myself nauseated and panicky for most of the afternoon/evening. Eating was the last thing on my mind. For breakfast I had some oatmeal, and then some almonds for a snack, but the bulk of my calories came from a BBQ stuffed potato at this local place called Dixie Bones. I estimated it was about 1'000 calories after adding in all the cheese, sour cream, bbq sauce.. and of course the pork. Keep in mind this was a 1 pound potato... !!!
• no workout mostly due to the crazy stress and having to get everything packed and ready to go for our vacation.

Friday, Nov. 19th:

• total calories: 1589 - I'm amazed I did this well considering we had CRACKER BARREL for dinner.. being on the road makes for really bad eating choices. For me, anyway. Although I did pack SUPER healthy snacks for the road - so kudos to myself on that. 
• no workout, just 10 hours of DRIVING.. ugggh. I seriously thought about taking advantage of the fitness room at our hotel the following morning when we first got in... but then I slept like crap and probably only had about 4 hours of hard sleep total so my motivation was zilch. Plus there was that whole.. another 6 hours of driving thing ahead of me. 

Saturday, Nov. 20th:

• total calories: 2123 (!!!!) - Yeah. That's almost 300 calories over my daily allowance. Here's where I screwed the pooch: We stopped at STEAK'N'SHAKE for lunch. That place is SOOOOO freakin' delicious... but when you consider that I had a burger with guacamole on it... well.. I should have known my calories would be blown out of the water. Even though the guac calories/fat were GOOD calories/fat.. I'm sure the rest of the burger and the fries were mostly certainly NOT. And then their computers went down and it took 30 mins to be able to pay our check, so we got free milkshakes... at about 400 calories a piece. I only drank half of mine. but still. My lunch alone was almost 1200 calories. Then my grandparents ordered pizza for dinner since the football game was on.. I was still pretty full from lunch so I only had 2 slices, but that still set me back 500 calories thanks to the pepperoni topping. Vacation calories don't count, right? lol
• no workout - again, lots of driving and exhaustion. 

Sunday, Nov. 21st:

• total calories: 1659 - this completely blew me out of the water. I thought for sure I was looking at a 3'000 calorie day, honestly. We had US Pizza for lunch - but I ordered the veggie pizza and the slices there are incredibly small so even thought I had like 5, I'm thinking it was the equivalent to about 3 slices of pizza hut thin crust pizza. Oddly enough what gave me the most calories was the salad supreme... their house dressing is just simply decadent. I tried to only used about 2 tbsps of it, but I'm sure that alone was probably 200 calories and 20g of fat! Then we had japanese steakhouse food for dinner.. looking up the hibachi stuff online I was pretty surprised at how "healthy" it is. And I didn't eat really any of my fried rice so that saved me a lot too. 
• again, no workout. 

So my goal for today is to get some exercise in - this is vacation so I'm not going to stress of my eating too much, but just focus on making good choices when I have the opportunity and focus on getting some good exercise EVERY DAY. I don't really have much else going on in the morning/mid-afternoons, there's no reason I can't squeeze at LEAST 4 workouts in this week.

Tonight we're supposed to be going out for Mexican with my uncles, and I'm thinking I'm probably going to get either carne asada or steak fajitas - but just eat the steak and veggies and leave the tortillas alone. That should keep dinner to under 500 calories. No idea what the plan for lunch is yet - but I'm thinking if we hit a restaurant I'm probably going to opt for a salad...assuming the salads don't seem like that be worse for me than a regular old sandwich or something. lol

So, again, I'm sorry for neglecting the blog but as you read I've been pretty caught up with life! Now that we're here and settled I should be able to update on a daily basis with no problem. I just have to make the time. :)

ps - I will post weight and measurements later. I'm going to measure at my Granny's house later today since I know she has a tape measure, and once my Uncle Mark wakes up I'll go borrow his scale.. here's to hoping I have gained 5 pounds in just the last 3 days!!!

Getting it together

Stats first..

11/11:

• total calories: 1909 - that's probably the most I've eaten in a couple weeks at least. I was SO HUNGRY all day. It was bizarre. Might have had something to do with the fact that I actually exercised for the first time in a while.
• calories burned: 500 - 3 mile walk with mom which basically should have been a run we were going so fast! 3 miles in 30 mins is pretty hardcore.. for me anyway.
• 0 cigarettes - day 2!
• 11pm bedtime
• no money spent

11/12:

• total calories: 1666 - that's including lunch at Wendys (jr hamburger with a side salad) AND going out for pizza.. but I got veggie-covered pizza, no meats and it was SO DELICIOUS.
• calories burned: 500 - another 3 mile power walk with mom. Hoping to go today too!
• 0 cigarettes - day 3!!!
• not sure what my bedtime was.. I passed out on the couch while watching Dracula and then Mike woke me up when he went to bed at 2:30am.. but I'd been asleep WELL before that.
• $15 spent to go out for dinner ($7 left)

I've really enjoyed these walks the last couple days - I'm just a little sad and disappointed that it's going to be too frigid to keep it up soon. Probably by the time we get back from Little Rock the temps will be low enough that walking in the evenings will just be too uncomfortable. :(

I'm planning ahead to my trip - I'm definitely bringing "workout" clothes so I can either join my Uncle Marvin at his gym or at least get a walk/run in just around their neighborhood or the lake. I'm definitely excited to have access to so many walking/running paths and neighborhood streets that don't have regular traffic coming through. It'll definitely help for my motivation. Plus I have a tendency to actually get to bed at a decent time when I'm down there (with maybe the exception of actual Thanksgiving evening).

I'm really proud of the food choices I've made this week. Even at Wendy's where there was a huge temptation to just get the fries to go with my burger - or even worse, break down and go the crispy chicken sandwich mayo and all! - I got the salad, only used about 1/4 of the dressing and didn't even open the croutons. I've also gotten back to eating my giant salads at home during the week and making my fruit smoothies so I'm getting a good amount of fiber. Plus I've gotten so much better at planning for dinners - making sure I get chicken/beef/fish thawed in time to be able to cook a healthy meal, keeping my fridge stocked with veggies to steam and making sure I have brown rice in the pantry to make little rice bowls if need be. I've also started buying sweet potatoes which are not only super good for you, but also super delicious and really filling. Some nights I just have that for dinner with maybe a small salad and it's really satisfying.

I know there's going to be a lot of eating out going in Little Rock, which is a big reason why I'm trying to keep myself in line with exercise while I'm down there. If I can make sure I'm burning calories everyday then I shouldn't have to be too cautious about what I'm eating for dinner every night. The killer for me will be alcohol consumption while I'm down there - but I'm going to try to stick to wine since that won't bust me as bad caloric-wise.

One other thing I'm really proud of: I'm finally able to comfortable wear some of my size 16's now. Hopefully by the beginning of December they'll start actually feeling "roomy". I would love to be back down to a 14 by my birthday in April. I feel like that's an incredibly realistic goal. April being 5 months away and all. I've lost about 10 pounds since the beginning of September. So, about 6 weeks. It may even be more than that since I think maybe I was probably lying to myself quite a bit about my "start weight" back in end of August/beginning of September. From what I can find on my other regular blog I was saying I was 207lbs.. I'm pretty sure I was probably closer to 210 or 212.. also I think my scale was probably totally off and now I have a scale that actually WORKS so maybe it's been more like a 12 pound weight loss. Honestly, if I can just get UNDER 200lbs I will be ECSTATIC.

...how sad it that? lol

So my truthiest truthiness on my weight - I seriously for real am right at 200lbs right now. Now I can finally gauge accurately my progress over the next couple months. Back to the size-14-by-April thing... if I can lose 15 more pounds in the next 5 months (which is less than a pound a week) then I figure I'll be able to fit my 14's again. That's a truly exciting prospect. But for now I'm just gonna be ridiculously happy about fitting into my 16's again. :)

Sunday stats

Stats for 10/17:

• total calories: 2260 - I know, right?! Waaaay over.. it's been a hard weekend between James's birthday celebration and my sister's birthday celebration... plus I was craving mexican hardcore Sunday at lunch and the only place Mike and I could agree on was Qdoba. Delicious. But good for you? Hardly. My burrito bowl came out to about 1000 calories. EEESH. Chipotle is way better for you I think... I read something recently that said one of the keys to success with weight loss and a healthier lifestyle in general is to move passed the guilt - to except your mistake, own it, and just move on and do better the next day instead of harping on it in your mind and obsessing which leads to more bad choices. 
• calories burned: no workout 
• 5 cigarettes
• 12am bedtime
• $7 spent ($0 left)

I'm getting worse and worse with the smoking. It's not even something I enjoy doing anymore. I really just need to buck up and let it go. 

Goals for the week of Oct. 18-24
- clean eating mon-fri
- some form of exercise 5 days a week, whether that be a workout dvd or going for a mile or more walk
-no more than 8 cigarettes a day
- focus on positive thinking/letting go of guilt over cheating
-write out goals for getting healthy (this is a carry-over from last week because I never quite accomplished it)
-blog everyday!!

Birthday party fun!

We had the kiddo's birthday party yesterday -- which included pizza (I've eaten so much pizza lately I want to die) and cupcakes. Oh well. It's his freaking birthday. Calorie-wise I didn't do bad at all. It was just the amount of sugar that did the most damage I'm sure - and not drinking enough water.

Stats for 10/16:

• total calories: 1660
• calories burned: not sure - did a lot of running around/playing at the pumpkin patch before coming home for pizza/cake/presents. Probably around 200 maybe? 
• 5 cigarettes
• 11pm bedtime - really good for a saturday!
• $0 spent

The weekend has been a bit of a splurge... we covered some of that yesterday. :-\  I'm little scared to get on the scale tomorrow... I'm fully expected to have gained back the 2lbs I had lost and maybe more. We'll just have to wait in see. I'm trying to think positive thoughts!!

Coming together

Well, this morning I went up/down (not quite sure how to phrase that) a belt notch!!! One notch skinnier! Woo! I also took my first shot at the JW workout videos yesterday afternoon -- I'm a liiiittle sore today, not gonna lie, and all I did was the 15 min workout. I'm looking forward to trying out the rest of them.

Stats for 10/5:

• total calories: 1547 - I didn't eat all that much but I felt sooooo full all day. I definitely had to force myself to get 3 meals in. Next week I start the 5-2 plan, and eating 5 times a day is gonna be rough for me I think. It's funny, when you're eating mostly fruits and vegetables you sure do get full fast and stay full longer. It's a good thing and a bad thing. 
• calories burned: 200 - this is just an estimate for the 15 min workout. It's high-intensity circuit training.. so I'm assuming it's right around 200, give or take.
• 0 cigarettes - day 3
• 11pm bedtime
• $20 on hand weights ($35 left for the week/$70 left for the month)

I've done really well on cigarettes this week however I'm supposed to go see my buddy play a show tonight and he's a smoker, plus everyone I know who might be there smokes.. it's gonna be tough for me. Weds/Thurs seems to always be my breaking point. 

I'm feeling really good about myself this week - I'm really trying to focus on the positive, I've even started doing positive affirmations ("You are getting stronger everyday, thinner everyday, healthier everyday" etc, etc.) in the mornings and evenings and I'm really trying hard to break my negative inner-monologue.. you know, that other you in your head that says things like, "Jesus, Jess. You think can get away wearing that shirt? Yeah right, fatty. Think again." and "Your belly is so disgusting.. it'll never look the way it did before the baby." etc, etc.. I literally have started calling myself out on that shit. It starts up and I'll just flat-out say out loud, "STOP." and give myself a compliment instead. I've only been doing this for a few days so we'll see how it eventually effects my overall outlook.