Can't Come Up With Subject Title, But Read It Anyway!

Well, it started a little bit weekend before last and perpetuated through more of last week than I intended (or would even like to admit). I made excuses saying that the socialization time was important (which it was) and I was still keeping up with my chores (sort of... laundry, yes, mostly - cooking fell almost completely to the wayside). I was still working out. In fact, part of what was waylaying my responsible bedtime was the fact that my workout has been taking me a full hour, making it so that I'm getting a late start on anything I'm trying to do on a weeknight.

I digress... so yes, excuses excuses and then some more excuses. Then Friday rolled around and I was so excited for the weekend, so happy to FINALLY leave work (45 minutes later than normal), and to get home and have some friends over for drinks and games... and then my husband ended up on working 3 hours late, my children transformed into demon spawn, and I had a couple beers before my eldest was in bed for the night. Within an hour of both kids being in bed, I was a little tipsy and then decided I was on a mission to get a little drunk and enjoy my Friday night since I was at home and didn't have to drive anywhere. This turned into staying up until 2am at which point I started falling asleep in the middle of the game and promptly went to bed.

Funny thing about going to bed at 2am when it's your turn to get up with your kids the following morning... IT DOESN'T WORK OUT SO GREAT AND MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP.

I was completely disappointed in myself as this was the first thing I wrote on my "who I want to be" list over a week ago - "The person I want to be does not stay up until 2am drinking/socializing if it's her turn to get up with her children in the morning. Or at all." So much for that, eh?!

I tried dozing on the couch while the boys played, but they have such a love-hate relationship that I ended up refereeing most of the morning... finally at 10am my husband came downstairs and tapped me out to go take a nap. I slept 3 hours. I wasted almost my entire day. Saturday morning is cleaning time, not taking-a-nap time. I didn't get all the vacuuming done I normally do, but at least I got some laundry going, cleaned up the kitchen, and got the tile swept up in prep for some mopping. The day was over before it even began, and I skipped my workout completely because I was so tired, but also because I was feeling completely depressed. I was/am completely disappointed in myself for acting so irresponsible about sleep knowing full-well this would push me into a low place for the next few days, doing nothing except perpetuate my tendency toward bad habits. Vicious cycle.

I did slightly better with bedtime Saturday night, but was still very tired Sunday and opted for a nap in place of a workout, which may have no been the better choice. Now I'm struggling to settled back into my "asleep before midnight" place, and am starting to battle that inner-monologue of, "You just can't do it. Just accept that being sleep-deprived and depressed is who you are." Which is completely untrue.

It's so upsetting to feel myself slipping back into this bad head-space, and so that is depressing me, too. I'm definitely trying to stay positive and try not to let the frustration/anger/sadness/apathy pull me too deeply into the "why bother?" place, but I also know that I need to get on top of this sleep thing and cut back the beer/wine intake over the next couple weeks in order to help me stay level.

Moving on to other subjects...

I restarted Female Body Breakthrough last week (which I will now refer to as FBB - also, I think I probably already mentioned this at some point.. whoops), and while I didn't get the third workout in on Saturday thanks to my late-night antics wiping me out, I did jump right back to it Monday evening like a champ. The moves are already getting easier for me, and I think I can add a little bit heavier weight beginning next week. I'm not rushing myself with the weight during this first "phase", though, because I feel like I've done that with other programs in the past and really ended up sacrificing proper form and therefore wasn't building strength like I wanted to. Anyways. The workouts are hard as hell, but feel totally awesome. At first they were taking me a bit longer to get through, but now that I've got the warm-up down without needing to check the book a million times, I've been able to shave about 8-10 minutes off the total workout time.

I'm really enjoying things this go 'round, even though it's obviously early in the program. I'm not making any promises to you or even really to myself that I'll finish the full 16 weeks, because I feel like I jinx and self-sabotage the moment I start saying things like, "I'm definitely doing ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME this time!" -- so, we'll just leave it at: I'm enjoying myself much more this time around, I'm loving how the workouts are making me feel, and at this moment I'm feeling positive about being able to stick with it for a bit.