Well, that didn’t take long…

I suppose I could chalk it up to my depression winding itself back up to full-force beginning last Thursday, but it could also be because I’m impatient and fickle – but I’m already getting sick-of/finding it hard to stay on track with the Female Body Breakthrough routine. I was feeling really good about it after about 5 workouts, but Mike’s birthday weekend and the debacle with the not eating/doing the workout/drinking a lot/not sleeping enough (ie: REALLY POOR RECOVERY PERIOD CHOICES) really, really threw me off track. I did one workout last week, tried to do a run a couple days later (which was pretty pitiful), and then basically was just like, “I need a do-over.”

So my do-over on Week 3 was supposed to start yesterday (Monday), but between emotionally/mentally feeling like I wanted to crawl under a rock and possibly die combined with dreading having to spend a freaking hour exercising while still getting all my other household chores done and meeting a friend for coffee as they prepare to leave the state for 4 months… I’m totally pulling the “give-up” card and letting you know it didn't happen. And on top of that, I’m feeling like I don’t really want to do it anymore anyway. Which is kind of bizarre seeing as a) it kicks my butt and burns a ton of calories, and b) I get pretty fast results.

Self-sabotage, anyone?

Maybe. But the fact of the matter is: I’m bored right now. I’m bored with it. I want something I can do in 30-40 minutes, not something that takes me an hour. Where I am in my life right now, I just don’t have an hour to give 3-4 days a week. And while that makes me a little sad, it’s just a very harsh reality. I’ve talked so much about this recently – but I don’t think I’m willing to make the personal sacrifice at this time. When I'm feeling more "up", I can get positive about it and pull through and make it happen, but these depressive episodes make me realize maybe part of the reason I get depressed to begin with it by piling too much on my plate on a daily basis - and that includes an hour-long workout I don't actually have time for. While I hate, hate, hate that that means it’s just going to be that much longer until I reach my ideal body aesthetic, obviously I’m willing to wait or not as focused/wanting that ideal aesthetic, anyway.

There seems to be a recurring theme in all facets of my life, and this particular facet is not exception, and that theme is: There has to be more than this.

There’s got to be something better than shelling out fucking $600/month for a CrossFit box membership, there’s got to be something better than running 5 miles every day and starving yourself, there’s got to be something better than sacrificing recovery-necessary sleep in the mornings or family-time in the evenings to spend an hour doing something you don’t absolutely enjoy.

You don’t have to love it every day. Nobody does. But you need to love it most days. I think that’s a pre-requisite for making it stick.

…the more I write this the more I realize this definitely is depression fueled and I should probably just force myself to do the damn 60 minute workout, but NO! I don’t want to! I demand a better and more convenient workout that I really, truly love!! Where is that?! What if I can’t find it?! EVER?! What if I can never become that person that is willing to make those sacrifices for health and a totally rockin’ bod?!

Does this come from my perpetual and tricksy self-hate spiral? Do I really need to change all these things about myself and my life in order to be happy? Is it possible for me to just find happiness in where and who I am? Oh god, just thinking that to myself right now makes me want to anxiety throw-up… to imagine being stuck doing what I do now everyday for another 30 years… NOPE! NOPE NOPE NOPE!

Okay, sorry for that slightly insane digression... So, my goal is to find a shorter and yet equally intense strength training workout to start doing. And it needs to happen right now. Because I need to start, like, yesterday. Because I haven't done purposeful exercise since last Wednesday. 

Any suggestions would be welcome as long as it is strength based and not a DVD, as I have no attention span for DVD workouts these days. The search begins!