Admissions

^ Not the school kind, but the confessional kind.

Since this out-of-nowhere piriformis syndrome thing started at the beginning of this month, I’ve had to reevaluate some things. My recent first session with a Physical Therapist afforded me TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES of peace and quiet to really, sincerely think on some stuff... and maybe doze a little bit, too.

I need to get real about my weight. I need to get real about how much I actually need to lose. I need to be realistic about what I need to do in order to make that weight loss happen. While it's great that I've wanted to "break free of the scale" and whatnot, the fact of the matter is, even if I want to be lenient with myself, I have 30 lbs to lose. If I want to be really real, that number is probably closer to 50. But small steps. I need to get to the 30 mark before I can focus on 50, and the prospect of 30 is freaking me out plenty all on it's own.

Actually, this is all pretty daunting when I consider that it may very well be another month before I can participate is any sort of exercise that isn't walking. I'm not sure if you all knew this or not, but you use your butt muscles to do pretty much everything. So this idea of, "Well, can't you still do upper-body strength training?", the answer is "no" because you have to use your butt muscles to do pretty much everything but bicep curls and tricep kickbacks. No overhead presses, no rows, no chest presses, etc. Leg work is pretty much out of the question aside from my leg-lifts that are part of my stretching routine. I'm trying really hard to not be completely depressed over it.

In the meantime, I started a small dose of Wellbutrin a couple weeks ago and that makes me have zero appetite. So at least the calorie restriction part will be easier for now. Calorie restriction and walking it is for the time being, and all that it is. The scale tells me I've lost 4.4 lbs since starting the medication. I'm cool with that trend.

I took some spectacularly unflattering progress photos last week (9/17/14):

The number one thing we can learn from these photos is: my top is SO MUCH MORE TAN than my bottom and it's kind of silly looking. Also that photo from the back is the best one I could manage of myself, so sorry that it's really mostly just the sun shining through the window.

Also, a check-in on my measurements as of today, 9/26/14:
Weight: 194.6
Bust: 38"
Natural waist: 34.5"
Waist at navel: 38"
Hips: 46.5"
Thigh: 26.5"

On a separate but somewhat related note, beginning around the week of September 8th I started feeling much better emotionally. There were more up days than down, and I had more energy and motivation to accomplish various tasks. By the 15th my sciatica was feeling so much better and I think this had a lot to do with my good mood/mental place. Unfortunately the improvement didn't last (mostly thanks to my trying to rush back into a workout routine), and the last week my mood has been tanking. I had an increase in tightness and pain in my leg during the same time, mostly beginning last Friday/Saturday. This probably has a lot to do with it as I can't help but feel like I'll never be a fully functional human being again.

I find myself getting increasingly angry that my depression doesn't seem to be dissipating despite my efforts to remain active, eat better, follow my cognitive behavior tools, and plan fun activities to look forward to. I'll have a few good days, a couple weeks at most, but I just can't seem to maintain it. It's as if any small stressor can send me spiraling and I can't figure out why that is. I've always thought of myself as a strong person, and this depression makes me feel weak. This injury makes me feel weak. The amount of weight I've gained in the 6 years since my marriage makes me feel weak. And feeling weak makes me angry, but I haven't quite figured out how to channel that anger into motivation and change. I'm hoping this medication can help me normalize a little bit, especially before winter officially arrives. I should start feeling some kind of difference within the next week or so.

I think a big piece of this recent sadness and anger is relation to stress at work, which sky-rocketed last week with the pressure increasing as we've moved through this week. As we approach Thanksgiving (which we normally spend in Arkansas with extended family) it becomes more and more real to me that my grandfather is gone and it's really affecting me. This piece of my general malaise is completely acceptable and understandable. I knew it would likely take me some time to fully process this loss and to really begin mourning. It's unfortunate that there are so many other stresses that are overloading me and kind of taking away from my ability to allow myself to move through the "real" (for lack of a better word) sadness, experience it, and start to let it go vs getting wrapped up in so much of the "everything is so awful for no reason" feelings that stem from the actual depression.

I feel like I had a lot more to say, but whatever that was has flown out of my head. So the big focus right now is on dropping the weight for my health. I've done well with food choices recently and hope to be able to return to some strength training by mid-October. Meanwhile, I'll keep up with my walking, follow my instructions from my PT, and hope for a speedy recover and to never relapse. 

Inner Mean Girl

Today was a complete and utter failure in diet and exercise. The morning started off promising (as always) with plain greek yogurt, fresh fruit, and a bit of granola for crunch. I had a snack of a KIND bar (dark chocolate nut & sea salt, in case you were wondering).

...then I had a doctor's appointment over my normal lunch-hour time. No big deal, I thought. My doctor's office is great about being on-time and I didn't see any reason the appointment should last longer than 30-40 minutes. I would just grab some Subway or stop by home and make a quick sandwich on my way back to the office. No big thing.

As predicted, my doc's office was running on-time, my appointment took just over 30 minutes... however, due to this weird back/leg/possibly-sciatica issue (she actually diagnosed as piriformis syndrome, which I self-diagnosed via the internet a couple days ago - so that made me feel like a smarty-pants!), she went ahead and asked me to pop over to radiology and get an x-ray. Just so we could be sure I didn't have any spinal issues causing the sciatica flare. Radiology actually went really quickly. I was there for all of 30 minutes. But at this point I was right up against the time I needed to be back in the office. Subway/home was not as close to the radiology office as my doc's office was, plus running short on time... so, Taco Bell it was. For the second time this week. It was not what I wanted and was not satisfying.

I've fallen completely off the bandwagon with my meal planning as of late, and while I normally keep some pre-marinated frozen salmon filets stocked in my freezer that I can just throw in the oven and have cooked and ready to eat in 30 minutes, this sciatica prevented me from getting to the grocery store over the weekend and we cooked the last of the salmon Tuesday night. I had picked up some frozen white fish (swai) on my last grocery trip and decided to give that a try even though we'd never had it before.

It was disgusting. I don't know if it the was fish itself, or just the way I seasoned it or what, but it was terrible. I couldn't even finish my small filet.

So, I ordered pizza. Not even good pizza. Cheap, nasty Domino's pizza.

Not 30 seconds after I submitted the order I remembered I had leftover pizza from trivia night in my fridge... way more delicious than Domino's, I promise you. So I heated that up and figured Mike would eat some of the Domino's and the kids would enjoy the leftovers tomorrow.

Except that I ended up eating a slice of that on top of my leftover Thai chicken pizza from last night... and then some Oreos... and now I hate myself. A lot. I feel disgusting and fat and stupid. Why didn't I just thaw some ground beef and do tacos? Why didn't I just remember to thaw the chicken breasts last night? Why didn't I just tell everyone to have some goddamn cereal for dinner?! Or make an omelette?! Or repeat my yogurt breakfast for my dinner!

Any of these would have been the better and cheaper option, but I was lazy. I was lazy and my leg hurts damnit. I just wanted dinner to be done and over so I could put my kids to bed and watch the season finale of HBO's The Leftovers.

I really hope my x-rays come back normal and this piriformis syndrome will clear up FAST. I've made an effort to keep up with exercise as best I can, which is mainly just in the form of walking and stretches. I didn't get a walk in today due to the doc appointment and following x-ray, and because I can't really do anything with any kind of "intensity", skipping that littlest bit of exercise is killing me mood-wise. While I've noticed some improvement in my general moods since I've been getting more sleep, I've also noticed that I'm much more insecure/down on myself about my body since I can't exercise "for real" right now. The idea that it may be a month or more before I've fully recovered from this injury, inflammation, whatever-the-fuck-it-is, is terrifying me. I finally, finally, finally rediscovered my do-some-exercise-everyday motivation, as well as my get-out-there-and-run-run-run motivation, only for it all to be destroyed by random nerve pain FOR NO REASON just as we come into our last few weeks of mild weather and extended daylight hours.

I was hoping by this weekend to at least be able to start doing some yoga. That is a no-go, Dear Readers. I can still barely sit some days, let alone do anything close to a Sun Salutation flow.

Meanwhile, and I know this is totally irrational, I feel like I'm gaining a pound every minute; fat is just magically appearing all over my body and I'm helpless to stop it or change it. And then I think, what if this is chronic pain? What if this is what my body feels like for the rest of my life?! And I very dramatically think, I would jump off a bridge.

Which, of course, I wouldn't, and let's face it - there are thousands of folks out there who live with chronic pain that's probably 100 times worse than this sciatica thing every single day of their lives who continue to be productive members of society and are happy and live quality lives. And I guess maybe this whole experience has made me realize just how important exercise is to me and just how much it's come to define who I am now that I no longer define myself as Ms. Smoke-all-the-cigarettes-and-drink-all-the-beer-and-always-party-party-party Lady. And that's good. I'd much rather be the "fitnessy friend" than that other chick. But right now I can't be fitnessy and my relationship with food is crap.

I did take some time today to figure out what I would need to eat on a regular basis in order to hit 150 grams of protein a day. It's a pretty delicious and simple menu, too. And, honestly, I've been so mad at myself for this whole pizza debacle tonight that I had completely forgotten all about this until now. Part of me is angry because I feel like I can't fully start doing it until I can get back over to the grocery store, which feels like forever away, but really is only 2 days. I need to try to maintain some level of rationality and not sabotage myself. I've already thawed something for dinner tomorrow night, so I'm covered there. (Plus: leftover cheap pizza.) There's no reason I can't cook a decent egg breakfast in the morning. As I write all this out I'm realizing tomorrow is another day and another chance to make better decisions. And one Taco Bell, pizza filled day isn't going to put me back at 230 pounds. Sometimes it may feel that way, but it isn't physically possible. Other than this I've done very well with my week. I just miss exercise so damn much. I had a plan, man! I had a calendar put together! I factored in the rest of this week/weekend for walks and leg rehab, and then Monday I was going to start back up with regular strength training interspersed with walks/runs and plenty of yoga to prevent this muscle inflammation nonsense. But it looks like we may be well into October before I can actually do that... and then come the holidays and trips and that's bound to get me thrown off-schedule. But maybe I shouldn't think that way, maybe I need to just be positive and tell myself it's delayed but not over. Life will go on.

I guess I've just been so mean to myself this last week and that's set me back quite a bit in my emotional growth and body acceptance and all that jazz. And it all started with noticing this fat roll... a braver me would post a picture, but it's truly disgusting to me at this time and I would be mortified to share with anyone. It's like this isn't even my body anymore because my body doesn't look like that. In my head I'm still 17 and 142 pounds. ...I digress. So, this fat roll... it's what I've affectionately called in the past my Mommy Roll. It's between my belly button and my pubic area -- basically where my skin got all stretched out during my pregnancies and then happily filled itself in with fat after those pregnancies. It had diminished quite a bit last year, came back a little bit over the winter, and then shrank back down a little in the spring as I powered through my #100daysofchange challenge. Well, it's back in full-force right now. In all it's disgusting glory. And it... it, like, hangs over the waistband of my underwear. Which screams to me that I should probably no longer wear bikini-cut underwear, except that anything other than bikini-cut would come above my pants waistband and nobody wants to see that, nor do I think that would be very comfortable. As I was getting undressed for the shower earlier this week, I bent over to take my socks off and noticed it... and then after I got totally nude I stood, bent-over in front of the mirror just staring at this utter betrayal from my body. How could my body do this to me?! After all my hard work?! After all the toil and stress and obsession I put into being "fit" and "healthy"!! HOW DARE MY BODY DO THIS TO ME!

I wanted to cry.

This, of course, led me to start scrutinizing every other part of my body... which led to an inner-monologue much like this:
Jesus Christ, Jess. Look at your arms. What the fuck, man. What the hell. All that arm definition you had, gone. And your waist! I mean, aside from that disgusting Mommy Roll, look at the rest of your belly! How can you let yourself go like this? You're so fat and disgusting, I'm not even sure how you're managing to still fit in all your same clothes. ...well, I guess you're not still fitting in all of them. Those high-waist skinny jeans aren't looking so flattering anymore, are they? They make your belly look like the fricken Michelin Man. And those saddle-bags are getting larger, aren't they? Cottage cheese butt, check. Your breasts aren't holding up so well either there, babe. You lost all that fat and they shrank way down, now you're fattening back up everywhere except there and you've got zebra stripes all over. Guess it's a good thing nobody sees those but you, eh? 

Everything kind of came to a head when I found myself saying out loud the other night, "And I'm just so fat. And, like, not the more solid "chubby girl who hasn't had kids yet" fat, like just the disgusting I've-had-a-couple-babies-and-my-skin-just-never-quite-recovered FAT. It's all loose and mushy and jiggly and gross. It's a good thing I'm married, because I promise you no man other than my husband would want to have sex with this flabby body."

Dude, if somebody else said that about me, I'd never speak to them again... maybe... and here I am saying these things about myself. TO OTHER PEOPLE. Just freely admitting what low self-esteem I have and how little I value myself simply based on what my body looks like!

Maybe some of you are sitting there getting ready to compose some words of kindness and encouragement for me, and that's great and nice of you, but I can tell you right now - they don't help. Because you can't shut down the Mean Girl inside my head. Only I can do that, and I've done forgotten how at this point in time.

See, I believe these things about myself. You may say they aren't true -- I may even, in a moment of clarity, proclaim them to be untrue. But I believe them. And I could stand in front of a mirror for the rest of the night tonight reciting positive affirmations to myself and telling myself how beautiful and deserving of self-love and happiness I am, but I can't because I don't believe those things right now. And that is what has to change. I have to start believing (as I used to) that this body is worth my love, because I can't change my body with hate. And while I don't hate who I am as a person as much or as often as I once did, the positivity and love I found for myself as a human being pushed all that hate onto my body image. At least it feels that way right now.

What it all boils down to is this: I am disappointed in myself.

I made some good progress, I came to terms with my diet, I fought hard to stay in a balanced emotional place - and then I lost all of that. Or maybe I gave it all away. Life got stressful and overwhelming and I gave all those positive things away to let myself drown in the stress and sadness and worry. I started telling myself that I didn't deserve those healthy positive things because... why? I don't even know. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just sad. I guess because I made bad decisions in the past I deserved to fuck up my body? Who knows? There's no real logic behind it. But it happened. And I've struggled all year to get back to a place of motivation and I feel like that's all been destroyed by this sciatica. Being angry is too hard right now because that feels stupid - how can you be angry at something that can't be helped? But for some reason it makes sense for me to just hate my body.

Because that'll help it heal... /sarcasm\

I just need to push through these next few weeks and see how things go.

Some positive things about today: my doc gave me a referral to a physical therapist, so that may speed my recovery. She didn't seem to think the nerve inflammation was caused by any bigger spinal/disc issue. And she genuinely seemed concerned for my depression and how things may worsen as we come into the fall/winter with my lovely Seasonal Affective Disorder. She prescribed me a low dose of Wellbutrin and we'll see how that goes.

With the medication, I am both excited and terrified to begin taking it. I'm hopeful that it will help me not only in my personal life but also to focus and be more productive in my professional life. But the worrier in me is anxious about possible side-effects, and the hippie in me is disappointed that I couldn't "fix" myself with diet and exercise. ...but if you're too depressed to really reign in your diet and consistently exercise, how is that gonna work, hm? Exactly.

Sorry that this became so much negative brain vomit, but I'm feeling quite a bit better now that I've gotten it all out there. I will try to organize a little bit and post the high-protein plan I've put together for myself, as well as get a snapshot of my workout calendar up here - even if most of it just says "Walk/stretch" for the next couple weeks.

I'm a lying liar!

I'm sure most of you probably anticipated this.... but: my venture into sobriety lasted all of 48 hours. After a lengthy talk with my husband Friday night (about many different things, not just the drinking thing), he at one point said, "Why are you doing this? I'm sorry if this is rude, but I think it's dumb. It's a total overreaction to one night." At first I was all, "Are you enabling me?!?!", but then quickly realized Mike isn't one to enable anyone about anything and if he truly thought I had "issues" with my alcohol consumption he would have told me a long time ago. He made a good point in that I over-drank, I drove when I didn't have any business driving, and it scared the shit out of me. That's not my norm. I don't get wasted and get behind the wheel. Clearly bad decisions were made and I'm lucky that I didn't hurt myself or anyone else. But Mike made the point that I'm totally capable of limiting my intake when I choose, that I rarely drink to get drunk, and that this "challenge" read more like self-punishment than self-improvement. 

That really rang with me. That's exactly what this was. This wasn't going to make me a happier, healthier person. It was just another thing to torture myself over, to be miserable about. It was dumb. It was dumb because I was lying to myself (and you) about the reason behind it.

So I dropped it. I’m dropping it. I had a few drinks Saturday night. It was fine. I didn’t drink to excess, I didn’t drink to be drunk, it didn’t make it any harder to get out of bed the next morning. I didn’t feel the need to have any more than what I had. I didn’t feel the need to drink again Sunday night. It just was what it was. And it was fine.

I’m a lying liar and I’m not going to quit alcohol for 30 days. I am going to be conscious of using alcohol to self-medicate and be sure to set hard limits for myself if I must drive. If I feel like I’m drinking because I don’t want to feel feelings anymore, well, that’s probably a good night not to drink.

Now, back to our regularly schedule programming: 

I recently returned to two old frenemies, MyFitnessPal and FitBit, for a daily dose of reality. I haven’t done any type of strength training in over a month and my adventures in cardio lack consistency. What’s left? Diet and steps. So I’m tracking it all again. I had gained weight. (Imagine that. Drinking tons of beer and eating whatever the fuck you want while not maintaining a decent exercise routine leads to weight gain. Who would have thought.) Not a ton of weight, but roughly 4 pounds. Clothing still fits the same, measurements are roughly the same, but I’m a little mushier than I was and would like to be.

Okay, let’s be honest: I’ve been a little mushier than I want to be for a while now. And while it’s excellent that I’ve had weeks and sometimes months of feeling really honestly good about myself as a person and the body that person lives in, it all eventually comes back around to feeling like I'm too heavy. And sometimes too big. And really none of that can change without a diet overhaul. And it's easy to eat a bunch of junk all the time when it's not staring you in the face in the form of a food journal.

As I spoke about in last week's utterly depressing update, I've had very little interest in food lately. This (bright-side) has made it relatively easy to make healthy choices since I have zero fucks to give about what I eat since nothing tastes delicious or happy these days. ...not that food should taste "happy"... but... "worth it", I guess. Except Oreos. Oreos always taste worth it. And other cookies... and ice creams... but I just try not to keep too much of that around lately. I've been living off a lot of Greek yogurt, fruit, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, giant salads, homemade vinaigrette, and salmon. Lately it's been very easy for me to under-eat, and I get hungry... but nothing really seems appetizing. Or I can't possibly be bothered to cook or fix myself something because sitting on the couch staring into space feeling sorry for myself is just so much more fun. The above list are all things that are quick and easy for me to make and therefore motivate to eat. Bonus that most of them are healthy.

So, I'm tracking calories/food journaling again and I received my replacement FitBit about 10 days ago and have once again returned to loyally wearing it day in and day out. So far I have yet to become completely obsessed with my step count and have not yet allowed that step count to determine how I feel about myself and my life. Key word here is "yet". I hope I can keep a healthy mindset about it and allow it to do its job in assisting me in my getting healthy process without taking over my every thought and feeling.

Lately I find myself wanting to schedule changes. "I'm going to quit drinking for 30 days!" (lies and fibs), "I'm going to get up and run every morning!" (so far, not happening) "I'm going to sit down and write a whole album's worth of new songs in a week!" "I'm gonna keep a notebook with me and write down positive thoughts everyday!" "I'm going to schedule lots of events to keep myself busy and distracted from hating life so much!"

While my intentions are really good on all this stuff, I also know this is a guaranteed way to make me feel horrible about myself. That's a lot of stuff. And realistically, I will probably only accomplish maybe one or two of those things (or none at all), and then feel like garbage for not doing everything I set out to do in whatever imaginary time-frame I've given myself to do them. (I don't have a time-frame for most of those things, but that doesn't mean I won't feel like I've failed them 4 days from now when I haven't done any of them -- or even a year from now, for that matter, having accomplish 2 or 3 of them.)

I'd like to think I'm trying to take my #365daysofchange challenge seriously by coming up with these accomplishments and activities I've set/scheduled for myself, but it doesn't come from that rational place - it comes from a distraction place. If I can't be happy or "live in the now" or rediscover my joy, then I'm sure as shit going to just keep myself so busy with social activities and "projects" that I don't have time to think about the fact that nothing is fun or exciting anymore. Instead I can just be focused on being busy and stressed out!! Because that's healthy!!

Anyways... so, bonus, I did realize I exercised every weekday last week. I ran Monday, tennised Tuesday, took a good walk Wednesday, ran again Thursday night, with another good walk Friday. I keep thinking to myself, "Maybe you should go down to the basement and lift some of those heavy iron things..." and then I'm like, "Nah, I'm good." I don't know what my deal is there. I've always loved strength training, but for some reason I've got it in my head lately that it "betrayed" me somehow. I'm sure that is partially a scale-weight response. It's also easier to blame the strength training than to blame myself for the inconsistency. I'm sure as the weather gets cooler and the daylight hours shorter (I'll talk more about that in a moment, too), I'll find myself gravitating less and less to my outdoor runs and more and more to the warm confines of my basement and the weights that live there. Right now I want to focus on consistent runs (if for nothing more than the mental health benefits), and consistent diet/calorie deficit.

I haven't done this in a long time, but here are my current stats:
Weight: 195 lbs on 8/2/14
Bicep (flexed): 12"
Bust: 38"
Under bust: 34"
Natural waist: 33"
Waist at navel: 37"
Hips: 44.5"
Thighs: 26"

And photos:

It is almost mind-boggling how quickly I pack on fat. These photos are a major departure from where I was at the end of my 100 day challenge, merely two months ago. Granted the lighting was more flattering from my 100th day, but I have the outtakes from those photos and even the "bad" ones are better than these.

I'm sick of being in the 190s. If I'm not going to increase muscle mass, I need to be closer to the 170s. That's just all there is to it. Pushing my body out of this set point is gonna be tough since I've been maintaining at this weight and general fat percentage level for a while. I'm hoping getting back to basics will get it done, but it may take a while to figure it all out. And some serious dietary discipline on my part.

My main concern at this time, however...  I mean, I don't know if y'all know or not, but winter is coming. And I don't mean that as a Game of Thrones reference, I mean it quite literally. We are just a handful of weeks away from the return to hoodie weather and 6pm sunsets. And I can.not.deal. I'm terrified and am having increased anxiety over the approach of fall and winter. It didn't even get warm here until June. And we've had maybe two weeks' worth of actual hot weather. All and all it's been a pretty mild summer, as my a/c bills can attest. This is a bunch of malarkey. Summer should be hot. And winter snow storms should not linger into April... much as low temperatures of 30s and 40s should not linger on into June. Not in Virginia. In Maine? Wisconsin? Winnipeg? Sure. Not here. No siree, Bob! ...moving to Florida is looking more and more appealing.

Update!!

I've had a really hard time focusing on just about anything lately, which is why I've sort of actively been avoiding trying to write an update for the blog. I'm a little all over the place, but a couple things have been on my mind lately - and organized or not, I'm going to try to write about them now.

1) Focusing on fun.

As many of you Regular Readers know, I've been struggling with depression for a little over a year now, and recently it's been creeping back into the "worse and worse" area from the "improving" side it hung out in for a few weeks back in March/April. Week before last, after going through 3 days of arguing and screaming with my husband about how I want to move forward with my career/lack of one, I sort of resigned myself to being miserable and slept a lot of the weekend away. But then last Monday my husband asked me a very important question: "Do you ever have fun anymore?"

I replied, "I like hanging you with you." Then he said, "Liking me isn't the same as having fun." Which is true. And I realized, no. I don't really have fun anymore. I'm too busy with work, being angry and depressed over work, trying to be Super Wife/Mom at home (and feeling like I'm forever failing), and generally being frustrated and irritated with everything/everyone to really focus on enjoying myself or having fun in anything I do. I realized I had only done 2 things recently that I really considered "fun" - one was going to play trivia with a group of friends (which has become a weekly gathering), and the other was baking a pie for my dad for Father's Day. "But I can't go to trivia EVERY night or bake a pie every day." Well, no. But I could do those things a couple times a week and have a little enjoyment...

So, the other day it was kind of hot and disgusting here in Virginia, so I set up the baby pool with Nolan when we got home from work/daycare in the evening. I was sitting outside with him, dipping my feet in the water, while reading a book - and he kept trying to dump water on my head. I started to get frustrated and angry, but instead decided to put the book down and play with him. It made him super happy and in-turn made me happy. It was fun. And I realized, I have to do these things. It's not going to fix everything - it may not fix anything - but at least if someone asks me if I ever have fun anymore, I can say, "Yes, sometimes." instead of having to honestly realize, "No, never." and wallow in how depressing that is.

The #356daysofchange campaign/challenge/whatever-you-want-to-call-it was supposed to be about mental wellness as well as physical wellness, and focusing on fun is a step in the right direction. I continued the trend by going out Friday night for the margaritas and Mexican food I've been craving for weeks, seeing my good friend's band play Saturday, and attending a last-minute pool party Sunday afternoon. I am now a bit exhausted and looking forward to a few nights in this week, but I felt like I was able to really enjoy my weekend for the first time in a long while.

2) It takes a long time to get fit/reach the body aesthetic/weight you want.

Not for everybody, but for lots of bodies. It's easy to get sucked in to the "success story". The person who lost 100 lbs (or more) in a year (or less), the person who switched to a Paleo-style diet and cured their Type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure within a matter of months, the person who shed 10% of their body fat in 6 months. These are major successes, but rare is it to read the success story of the person who reached their goal (whatever that may be; weight, body fat percentage, clothing size, cholesterol level, etc.) over the course of 4 or 5 (or 6 or 10) years. I sometimes feel as if people don't consider those to be real successes; that if you can't do it within a year, it really isn't worth celebrating or acknowledging.

In September, it'll have been 4 years since I started really working on losing weight and getting healthy. There was a pregnancy in the middle there, but losing weight and getting healthy was still on mind throughout the entire process. I couldn't tell you what I weigh today, but I betcha it's about 192 lbs. I've weighed right around that for 18 months. Sometimes I feel like this is a failure. But when I look at my body, the way my clothes fit, how I feel in the middle of a run or a workout - I'm a success. My body is completely different at THIS 192 lbs than at 2013's 192 lbs... and even more so than JANUARY'S 192. I gained a lot of fat over the winter...

But that's part of my point: it's not always a direct line from A to B. Many more people struggle over the course of several years to reach their goal. It takes time to find a good nutritional balance, the type of exercise you enjoy/respond best to, to make things like diet and exercise a constant top priority - but also to find a balance between that and letting loose and having fun sometimes without obsessing over calories or "is this the healthiest choice" or feeling like "I'm going to have to run this off later".

I still have fat on my body that I don't want or feel is unattractive. But overall I'm beginning to feel really comfortable in this body and to really like the way it looks. I'm also starting to focus more on buying/wearing clothing that is flattering on my body now instead of what my body might look like in 2 years. That's helped a lot in the self-esteem department.

3) I'm finally free from food.

Okay, that's maybe a weird way to put it... but I am finally free of calorie counting. A lot of this has come along with my body acceptance, as well as my realization that I just can't "heathily" track calories. Meaning, no matter what I've said in the past, I just get too wrapped up and obsessed over calories and macros and end up just feeling horrible about myself most of the time instead of feeling like I'm accomplishing something worthwhile. Because I was so obsessed for so long, I now know what types of foods I need to eat in order to regularly meet my nutritional needs without tracking everything. I have no idea how many calories I usually eat. Some days I'm sure it's close to 3500, some days probably 1900. I don't care. I'm continuing to build muscle and lose fat and my clothes fit and look better every day.

I'm learning to enjoy my food and eat more mindfully. I've fallen in love with salmon lately and have been eating tons of that and other fish. Same with vegetables. Especially grilled! All the salmon and grilled vegetables all the time!! I can't wait to buy a new grill this weekend so I can start grilling things outside vs on my George Foreman.

I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to eat the ice cream if I want it, or drink the beer, or go out to eat without feeling like I need to exercise to compensate for the calories. And on top of this, I've noticed I don't feel the desire to eat junk nearly as often. Nothing is off-limits, and therefore I don't ever feel deprived. If I'm hungry, I eat. Without guilt. It's amazing.

The Big Quit

I keep promising a real update and then I keep getting distracted by life.

So I already talked to you guys about my #100DaysOfChange that I’m doing with some assistance from my Instagram app, and that is going really, really well. I’ve made lots of changes not only regarding exercise frequency and general fitnessy stuff, but also a lot of general health changes that I am really proud of. Here are just a few of those things:

• Gave up regular consumption of caffeine/ soda with lunch
• Cut waaaaay back on alcohol consumption/stopped drinking wine altogether to help with migraines
• Stopped birth control pills to see if this will help with my migraines
• Increased fruit/veggie intake to include at least one serving with each meal/snack
• Made an effort to get 7-8 hours of sleep every night

And most importantly:

• I quit smoking

I am 16 days in. I had one cigarette last week and it was disgusting, and took a couple drags off of one the other night (I know, I know – DUMB) which was equally disgusting. But 1.5 cigarettes in 16 days is pretty damn good. Both “breakdowns” followed quite a bit of alcohol consumption, so this is just more fuel to not drink heavily. I will also say, though, that hangovers are pretty much non-existent for me since cutting out smoking. Turns out all this time I was having a cigarette hangover and not an alcohol hangover. Bonus!

I did pick up a disposable e-cigarette the other night for those times where I’m having drinks and/or hanging out with smoker friends and get the urge to smoke. But after reading this article (go here) I’m not sure that I’ll be using that very regularly… or at all. As the mother of a 2 year old, I’m not trying to have him get into my purse, bust this thing open, and get nicotine poisoning. No way, Jose. Talk about motivation to just be done with it all. This is it, for sure.

I think I finally realized last week that I no longer define myself by drinking and smoking. Those things don’t make me unique (at all) and definitely don’t define who I am as a person/mother/wife. As I get

closer to my 30th birthday I think I’m sort of coming to grips with mortality (as cliché as that may seem), not just my own but that of the people I love. I’ve been reading a lot about the effect of fat (saturated or otherwise) in the diet, and found I should be much more worried about my smoking habit than my occasional food indulgences when it comes to heart health and avoiding heart disease. For some of you this may seem like a giant “duh” statement, but I think I always downplayed the health effects of smoking to myself. I justified a lot. I feel like I can’t justify any longer. My grandfather’s recent health problems brought a lot of this to the forefront for me, and while things are going really well for him and his healthy is improving, I can soundly say I would like to avoid living through the same experiences in my old age.

With all these health changes also comes a very base hope of: maybe this will make my weight loss easier. Birth control pills can cause weight gain and also make it hard to lose weight due to complicated hormone function, plus smoking increases cortisol production and fat storage due to all the fun chemicals in cigarettes effecting hormone function. Not to mention smoking can increase your risk for depression – which I already deal with.

But speaking of weight loss: Mike made a good point the other day when he said to me, “But you’re not trying to lose weight. This isn’t about weight loss, it’s about getting healthy overall. Weight loss is just a possible pleasant side-effect of all of this.”  That is sort of true. I’ve gone through phases. Right now I’m in more of a “sick of seeing 190-something on the scale” phase, and less of a “I love my body and just want it to be healthy and awesome” phase. While I’m still being smart about how I go about losing weight, I am frustrated to find myself at a 500-800 daily calorie deficit while eating fairly “clean” with absolutely no movement on the scale so far. That’s not even mentioning that daily exercise, and the fact that I’m doing fabulous with my protein intake and mostly avoiding heavily processed carbs. I think I may have to come to grips with the fact that I may achieve the body I want… and still weigh close to 190lbs. And I have to be okay with that. I’m still working on it. I’m seeing big changes in my body composition in the last 20 days, and I imagine that will continue. If I can get rid of the belly fat and feel awesome in my clothes and weigh 190lbs, that’s totally fine, right? Well, it should be. That’s all I’m saying.

Enough focus on (poor) body image for now…

So, yes, I’m super proud of myself for my recent accomplishments. I feel like I’m well on my way to completing my “future self” list, and that’s awesome. 

I'll be posting some progress pictures soon!

January So Far

Well, I gained a few pounds. Since weighing in at the beginning of the month, I've gained about 3 pounds. Legit gain, as the scale has reflected the same number about 4 times now. (Yes, I know, I'm obviously stepping on the scale too much.) It's funny how much easier it was to maintain that positive body image thinking/talk when I was maintaining a 1-2 pound fluctuation between 189 and 191... now I'm seeing 194 when I step on the scale, I'm having a hard time keeping that positive monologue going. But I'm committed to my resolution of no fat talk, and have refused to say, "I feel fat", etc. Talking about it like that isn't going to change it - being smart with food choices and exercise will. So I'm officially back on those bandwagons. I'm hoping this will help with my mood, as well.

Last Monday Mike and I decided to give the T25 program a shot, and I realized one very important thing about myself: I have an extreme dislike of workout videos. If it's not Jane Fonda's Low Impact Aerobics circa 1986 (I really wish they would release this on DVD!!) or yoga, it doesn't hold my interest for some reason. But, I told myself I would go through the rest of the week to try all of the different workouts. I bet this will shock the hell out of you... that didn't happen.

Tuesday was a bad day... Monday had also been a bad day... and then Tuesday just added to it. I came home from work so defeated, I had to just go lie in bed for a while. I let Mike fix dinner for himself and the kids while I felt sorry for myself for a little while and then after we got the kids to bed, all I wanted to do was cuddle up on the couch and not think about life for a while. So that's what we did. I'll give it to him, he tried pretty hard to motivate me to get the workout done, but when I started crying he dropped it pretty quick. ...that's not to say I was being a brat, but more saying that's how overwhelmed I was with everything.

Wednesday was a terrible day at work and I felt like I might start dropping F-bombs and walk out the door at any given moment. I don't how, but I managed to get super motivated to lift heavy things when I got home that evening. I cooked dinner and then headed down to the basement for some muscular punishment. It felt awesome. I had to start all over again with weight and was only able to knock out 3x3's on my working sets, but it's a start. It counts. And it felt good, and I felt good about doing it. I also danced/jumped around a lot in between my sets, so bonus goofing off cardio was had. Thursday night I did some power yoga with my fav yogi, Rodney Yee (and by "with", I mean on my television), to stretch out my sore muscles... silly me, I forgot what a core workout yoga can be! While I succeeded in stretching out my quads, glutes, hamstrings and back - I also succeeded in giving my abs a pretty crucial workout and had some pretty decent soreness Friday morning.

I had dinner plans Friday night with some girlfriends and didn't get any purposeful exercise in, but it was good to have a full evening out without having to worry about kiddos or anything. And I did a little dancing with post-dinner drinks. Saturday my workout was cleaning my house -- that felt good in a number of ways! I felt productive, the house was clean (obviously)...well, mostly... laundry got done, etc. We took the kids for a playdate, and then I stayed in with my husband for the evening (who's currently fighting a nasty cold -- here's hoping I don't catch it). It's been a while since I've just sat around catching up on DVR'd TV on a weekend evening and gone to bed a decent time. It was really nice. Unfortunately, I slept like total crap. I tossed and turned all night. According to my FitBit I was up about 30 times throughout the night. Even with the crappy night's sleep, I felt pretty decent Sunday morning. I fixed myself a good breakfast, headed out to run errands, got dinner in the slow cooker, Mike put Nolan down for his nap and I thought to myself, "I think I should go for a run." So I did. It was only about 48 degrees outside - which is certainly much warmer than it has been around here, and much warmer than it will be for the next 8 or 9 days - but I threw on the little bit of cold-weather running gear I own, and figured with it being such a sunny day I'd survive. Wouldn't you know - I did. I will say that the first 10-15 minutes was pretty miserable and I seriously regretted not putting some knit gloves on. I can't remember exactly when last I ran, but I want to say it was at least October if not September. I went a little over 2 miles and did walk/run intervals just based on how I was feeling, how long it took me to get my breath, etc. When I was running I was averaging a 10-12 minute mile, which is pretty decent for me. According to my HRM (I use a Polar FT4, in case anyone was wondering), I burned about 465 calories. My heart rate was pretty high most of the time, which shows how out of shape I really am. But damn, it felt really good to be out there -- especially once I got moving fast enough to keep my body warm. I wrapped up my 2 plus miles and felt like I could have done it all over again, but decided it would probably be smart not to overdo it on my first day back out. I will say, I definitely don't think I could run in weather any colder than, say, 45. I definitely found it much harder to breathe in the cold air. I'm very much looking forward to the hot days of summer. Even when it would be 90 degrees at 8pm, it never bothered me to go for a run.

I did a LOT of stretching once I got back home, and I'm hoping that will pay off with my soreness Monday since I play on jumping right back into my lifting routine while I seem to have all this motivation to get exercise done. Thankfully my B lifts are more upper-body, less legs. Right now I'm planning to try to get yoga in on non-lift days. As I said above, I believe it will be just too frigid to run here for the next week or so. (Our high on Weds is supposed to be 15. YUCK!)

Friday evening, Saturday afternoon/evening, and pretty much all of today (Sunday) my mood has been pretty good. It's almost like I still feel the depression following me around, but it's not actively bothering me - which is very nice. I ate really well today, and all the exercise over the last few days I'm sure has helped immensely. It might also help that I haven't smoked or had any alcohol since Friday evening. I know with my return to work tomorrow that hiatus won't last long, though. The stress really gets to me during the week and sometimes I feel like a beer and a cigarette is the only thing that really help me "wind down" -- maybe lifting and yoga can take their place. I'll think positively on that while I'm feeling like I'm in a positive place and leave it at that.

One of the many fitness bloggers I follow posted a writing/motivation exercise recently that I'm thinking about trying - sort of along the lines of lifting/yoga/running taking the place of regularly drinking and smoking. She asked her followers to think about the person they want to become, to write down the answers to a few simple questions, as well as anything else they feel might be pertinent; what does that person do? how do they behave? who do they spend time with? As well as more health/fitness related questions: what do they eat? how much do they sleep? why type of exercise do they do and how often?

I thought this could be a useful exercise for me and something that I'm planning to work on over the next couple weeks as I find the time/have the motivation.

Positive thought of the day: I'm really proud of myself for taking advantage of my sudden motivation to go for a run today, and I'm also really proud of myself for taking the time to do so much playing with Nolan today without messing on my phone or trying to take care of chores or anything else at the same time. I know my kids really appreciate that, and I think I appreciate it more than I realize.

This Weekend

Well, I already told you guys I didn't count calories on Friday.. and then had this brilliant idea so go and ahead and calculate them "just to see"... yes, well, I stopped when I got to 3'000 by lunch... eesh. I'm just going to try to forget about that. MOVING ON!

Saturday I did awesome, even with dinner out. And yesterday was a win until I decided to eat half a pint of Ben & Jerry's while watching the True Blood premiere (AHHH!! LOVE IT!).. but now that ice cream is gone and I don't have to worry about that anymore lol. On to the stats..

Sat. 6/25:

• net calories: 2,072
• breakfast: quaker Oh's with milk
• am/pm snacks: nectarine, Jell-O strawberry cheesecake pudding thing, a normal serving of ice cream
• lunch: deli chicken sandwich w/ chips
• dinner: steak fajitas w/o tortillas, some chips and salsa/queso
• no exercise - BOOOOO
• 1am bedtime - also BOOOOO

Sun. 6/26:

• net calories: 2,625 - ugh, that hurts to look at a little bit...
• breakfast: Wegman's version of cinnamon toast crunch w/ milk
• am/pm snacks: nectarine, bowl of "Fall Harvest" cereal (lots of dried fruit and whole grain), WAY TOO MUCH ICE CREAM
• lunch: same as Saturday
• dinner: a tiny portion of velveeta shells and cheese
• no exercise - I was so lazy yesterday..
• 11pm bedtime

I just can NOT get back on this whole exercise bandwagon. Morning sickness killed my fitness routine and I am having a super hard time motivating because honestly my inner-monologue goes something like this, "I should exercise. But I'm tired. And my feet kind of hurt. And even if I do exercise it's not going to help anything because I'm still fat and I'm just going to get fatter.. so maybe I should just do my lunch walks when it's not too hot and I feel like it and call it a day. *looks in the mirror* My arms are SO FLABBY... gross. SO MUCH FLAB. Super gross. I should do my preggo ab stuff.. but I'm tired. And I'm still gonna be flabby and fat because I can't REALLY workout to the intensity I would like to be anyway.. I'm just going to get fatter. I'll just focus on my calories and leave the exercise for after the baby comes." and so on and so on and so forth... more self-loathing, more excuse, more everything. I really really do just feel like it's hopeless to really focus on any kind of regular exercise right now because I'm going to see NO results... and it's not even the usual, "Oh, I can't really expect to see any results for 4-6 weeks." it's "YOU WILL NEVER SEE RESULTS UNTIL NEXT FEBRUARY WHEN YOU CAN START DOING CARDIO AND LIFTING WEIGHTS AGAIN." and that makes me sooooooo depressed.. and then I get all depressed about having not worked harder BEFORE I got pregnant and then I hate on myself on that for a day or two.. and then I'll have one day where I feel really motivated and I'll go walk for like 2 miles and then it just starts all over again. It's poop. I really worry I'm going to get hit hard with postpartum depression over my body image and it's going to make me totally crazy for like 6 months. 

Headed in the right direction - I think

Sorry it's been quite a while since my last update. I think I'm finally getting back on track... it certainly helped on Monday at my doctor's appointment when I weighed in at 209... that would be 5 lbs more than where I was at my PREVIOUS doctor's appointment only 4 weeks earlier. So far I've gained 8 of the maximum of 15lbs my doctor wants me to gain throughout my entire pregnancy... so I was (politely) warned to start counting calories and to watch my carb intake. YAY FOR BEING FAT!!

So I'm going to start posting my tracking here again, sans the smoking and alcoholic beverages counters.. obv.

My second trimester daily calorie goal is: 2'000 - from what I can figure this should be about right... I should be eating about 200-300 calories a day more than I normally would. Since my previous caloric goals have ranged.. well... kind of all over the place... I'm gonna go with what I would IDEALLY be consuming on a daily basis, which would be right around 1'750.

My daily exercise goal is: 30 mins. - whether that be walking, yoga, general calisthenics, vigorous household chores, etc. I need to be getting 30 mins a day in at the least. This will also help with my weight control. Obviously.

Everything else kind of comes together on its own - such as bedtimes. There are rarely times that I can force myself to stay awake past 11pm these days. That's okay by me.

Yesterday I did very well:

• total calories: 1'778
• breakfast: high fiber cinnamon oatmeal w/ 1/4 cup of milk
• am/pm snacks: pistachios, green grapes, wheat thins, Fiber One granola bar, 1oz. cheddar cheese, Wegmans brand cinnamon toast crunch
• lunch: turkey sandwich on whole wheat with kettle chips, granola bar
• dinner: Asiago cheese tortellini Lean Cuinsine
• no traditional exercise, parked in the back of the lot at Wegmans and power-walked through my hour of grocery shopping. I feel okay about that. 
• 11pm lights out

I will post today's stats later tonight.

An attempted return

Well, I don't know that I can honestly call myself a "blogger" anymore. I've been seriously slacking. There have been many things that I've wanted to post about but by the time I have a chance to do it I either can't remember or don't have the energy to do it.

I had my first doctor's appointment a few weeks ago and weighed in at 204lbs after having eaten breakfast and a morning snack and with all my clothes on and all my usual crap in my pockets. Not bad. I'm figuring first-thing-in-the-morning-butt-naked weight is probably around 200 or 201. I can live with that. The Doc said they really don't want me to gain more than 15lbs during the pregnancy because I'm a good deal overweight to start with. I had my 2nd appointment a week ago and hadn't gained anything so I'm hoping keeping at or under that 15lbs mark will be easier than it seems like it should be.

What I wanted to post about is: I was home sick last week and watched Food Inc. on Netflix instant... and it was amazing. I also found out that there is a farm just 2 hours from here that raises grass-fed beef, free-range chickens, and free-range pork and they come to the Farmer's market in Occoquan. I'm VERY excited about this. I really would love to just go totally organic for a month or so and see if our budget can handle it and see how differently I'll feel.

My "morning" sickness finally seems to be subsiding a little bit and my appetite is almost back to normal. There are still moments of "ohmygod I'm a gonna puke" but they are fewer and far between... my main gripe right now is that I feel like I'm dying of thirst all the time and I'm exhausted. Also: I feel fat all the time. lol. I hope that by the end of this month I'll be feeling well enough and have enough energy to get my 30mins/day of exercise in. I got a prenatal yoga dvd but I've been working a LOT and James is struggling with some sort of brat phase and it's just about all I can do to feed myself and get into bed once I get home from work. It sucks. I hate feeling like this.

On a really great note, though: Mike has been exercising 6 days a week and has started watching what he's eating a little bit more and that's awesome. Honestly, I think maybe I'm kind of just waiting for that miracle breast-feeding weight-loss to happen this winter... maybe that's a bad plan to have. It probably is. I'm kind of regularly feeling pretty down on myself for not working a little harder and doing a little better to get this extra weight off before getting pregnant. Obviously there's nothing that can be done about that now, and obviously a person can't really diet while pregnant... but I could be doing more than I am doing. So part of me is like "instead of beating yourself up about not working harder BEFORE, how about you just focus on working hard now and being as healthy as you can be" - which is totally true and right. But then that other part is thinking I'll just lose a million pounds if I breastfeed... but I feel like that's lazy because honestly there is no guarantee that will work out. Plus I'm only home for 8 weeks after the baby comes and just depending on how things go I may have to go ahead and wean when I go back to work.

Isn't this all awesome reading for you menfolk that follow out there? lol

All in all I'm just pretty ecstatic I don't feel like throwing up all over myself all the time anymore, and I'm glad I haven't already gained like 20lbs and right now I need to just count my blessings for that.

I'm planning on updating more often now, but it will mostly be baby stuff and less "this is what I'm eating and this is the exercise I'm doing" stuff.

Avoiding the scale at all costs

This week and last week I have felt super awesome about my body and the awesome changes I'm seeing in my muscle tone and how it's completely changing the shape of my body for the better. My clothes have fit better - aside from most of my pants being way too big, my fitted shirts look awesome. I've felt pretty great about myself and have finally stopped obsessing over food and am focusing on making smart choices and eating only when I'm actually hungry, and not beating myself up over splurge food choices but just taking them for what they are: splurges. I'm back in the gym full force and loving my routine (even though I should probably throw a little more cardio in there). So all of these are wonderful, positive things and great feelings to enjoy and focus on right? Right. Until...

I stepped on the scale this morning and have gained a pound and a half. I know a lot of it could be water retention from the weight lifting I'm doing, plus the building of muscle tone under the fat I still have... but to get on the scale this morning and to see 198.6lbs - well that was really heart-breaking. I don't want to break that 200 pound mark again before my birthday since my birthday was supposed to be my deadline on this no-calorie-counting thing. I feel like I should have at least been able to maintain my 195lbs this whole time. Not gain 3 and a half pounds back.

I guess for now I'm just going to try really hard not to focus on that number and just focus on how I feel. I've also quit smoking (I'm a week in now and I'm confident!) and I've quit drinking (I think this will help tremendously if I can manage not to replace alcohol with soda). Let's just see how the next couple weeks progress.

Weekend slacker

Well, I didn't make it to the gym Saturday or Sunday - I was so tired. It's not even funny. I also ate a bunch of crap... but I'm okay with it. lol I packed my gym bag this morning and will definitely be hitting the gym after work today.

My weigh-in did not go as awesome as planned - first of all I forgot to do it on Saturday morning, so I did it Sunday morning... after consuming massive amounts of sodium all day/night Saturday. So yeah. I was at 197 exactly. So I'm pretty much maintaining my weight right now which I guess isn't the end of the world since I definitely can see the changes in my body since getting back in to weight-lifting. Maybe here in the next month I'll see at least a couple more pounds come off.

Food breakdown for the weekend, go!

Sat. 3/26:

• breakfast: organic granola w/ 2% milk
• lunch: crunchwrap and regular taco from Taco Bell... I know, I know... it gets worse...
• dinner: kung pao vegetarian "chicken" and some crab rangoon... lots of white rice. The place we ordered from doesn't do brown rice, and I didn't think to make any myself.
• 0 cigarettes
• $14 spent on foods
• 1am bedtime

Sun. 3/27:

• breakfast: donut (so healthy)
• lunch: leftover tofu chinese goodness
• dinner: thin crust supreme pizza over at mom and dad's
• 0 cigarettes
• $0 spent
• 12:30am bedtime - getting up for work this morning was hard! But that's what you get when you sleep super late on a Sunday morning... you're not tired when you're supposed to be!!

Part of the reason I was up so late last night was because I watched the first 2 parts of the new Mildred Pierce on HBO - I definitely recommend it!! Kate Winslet is so amazing. 

Goals for this week:

• start watching nutrition intake: 3 proteins, 4 dairy, 7 fruits/veggies, 6 grains/legumes, 4 good fats
• get to the gym 3 TIMES - I've been twice a week the last couple weeks, plus doing some cardio-type-stuff at home, but I'd really like to get that third weight workout in every week. 
• spend at least 3 hours reading, I need to finish Game of Thrones before April 17th!!! Plus I picked up a new fitness book I want to do more than just skim through. 
• get better about bedtimes - I feel like I've been pushing till midnight too often during the week and that needs to stop

There's a reason...

...that I haven't posted ALL WEEK.

I've been super sick. Monday and Tuesday I pretty much felt like I was dying a little, yesterday was a bit better, and today is MUCH better.

I have not exercised at all this week thanks to all of that and even though I probably am healthy enough to hit the gym today I won't because we are going out of town tomorrow and I have to finish laundry and pack. UGH.

I can't remember everything I ate (or didn't eat) Monday and Tues... it wasn't much, I'll tell you that. Cereal for breakfast and soup for the rest, I think. So, yeah. Not much. But here's what I had yesterday...

Weds 3/9:

• breakfast: one packet plain oatmeal (cooked, obv) w/ 1/2 tbsp honey and 1/8 cup of milk
• am snack: raw almonds and a banana
• lunch: 6" turkey breast on wheat from Subway w/ provolone, lettuce, cucumbers, bell pepper, onion, pickles, and mustard, baked lays, ONE white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, green tea to drink
• pm snack: venti skim chai from Starbucks
• no dinner (bad, I know)
• 0 cigarettes - that makes 5 days
• 11pm bedtime
• $11 spent between lunch and Starbucks

I have a really big weekend ahead of me that I'm super excited for! I'm bringing the laptop with me so I should have a chance to update while I'm down there.. I hope. I really will be better about this, you guys. 

Quick note: last night as I was getting ready for bed I really started to see some of the changes in my body. I went to the doc on Tues and they weighed me - 197lbs. That was fully dressed and after having eaten, though. I'm not going to complain. Part of this new "exercise more" experiment is that I'm trying not to weigh myself every week anymore. I think it really throws me off when the scale doesn't reflect what I can clearly see with my eyes and feel in my body. 

I'd like to make a statement now:

If on my birthday, April 15th, I am still at the exact same weight (or heavier than) I was the last time I stepped on my scale (195lbs) then I will start strictly counting calories again. 

That's a promise. As much as I really don't want to... I have to say, I'm really enjoying my life of non-calorie-obsession. Thanks to the many months and years of calorie-counting and internet information crammed into my brain I can tell you the caloric worth of pretty much anything to set in from of me... and with that knowledge I'm able to consistently make wise eating choices. Plus I've found I'm starting to do that whole "intuitive eating" thing - when you pay enough attention to your body to know when you're REALLY hungry or if you're just bored, distracted, what-have-you. Probably why I didn't have dinner last night. I had a nice, filling lunch and then I just.. wasn't really hungry. Granted, my chai latte may have helped stave off my hunger a bit... but I think when I was always counting calories I found myself eating simple because I had "room" to do so... I would think, "I still have 600 calories left for today" and so I'd find a way to eat those 600 remaining calories whether I was actually hungry for them or not. Or I would think, "I only have 67 calories left for the day.." and I'd be starving an hour after dinner but couldn't "afford" to let myself eat anything else. I know for me it was becoming a little ridiculous... and mentally unhealthy. We all know I have enough mental illness going on without the food stuff!! lol 

Anyway. The bottom line is: I'm much happier with my relationship with food these days and because of that my general stress level is way down. Go me!

Oh, Weekend, you temptress you...

First things first:

I did not gain (or lose) a single anything this week. The scale read 195.8 which is exactly what is read last Saturday. My measurements are holding pretty steady. All in all not really a failure? Maybe? I did work out once this week and took some walks and stuff. This week I most definitely need to focus on getting the exercise in... I'm going to need it if I can't keep my weekend eating under control... eesh..

Friday:

• breakfast: oatmeal
• am/pm snacks: pears, kashi trail mix bar, cookie from Subway
• lunch: foot-long turkey breast on flatbread with bell pepper, onion, lettuce, cucumber, pickles, pepper relish and mustard, half a bag of bbq baked lays
• dinner: gyro from local pizzeria with salad and some fries, lots of beers afterward... don't judge me.
• no workout
• smoked... a lot. 6 or 7. Can't remember exactly
• $15 between dinner and beer

Saturday (today):

• breakfast: organic granola w/ 2% milk and some orange juice
• no snacks
• lunch: chicken nugget kids meal from McD's - it was really gross. And I wish I had just skipped getting anything and just let James have his and gotten something at home. 
• dinner: ham pizza - will probably have some drinks at some point. Wine or beer. Haven't decided yet. 
• spent about 2 hours vacuuming, decluttering, mopping, etc... sweating like a pig the whole time. I'm going to count this as a workout. Oh, yes, I am.
• 1/2 cigarette at mom's... made me feel funny. Plus I've been coughing all day thanks to my stupidity last night. Gonna make an effort not to smoke tonight. 
• $3 spent on lunch

As per the usual for a Saturday my eating is kind of out of control. Saturday is usually my "splurge" day. Even though I went out for dinner last night I feel like I did pretty well nutrition-wise even though is was probably a high calorie intake - and I was really proud of myself for filling up on salad and therefore leaving over half of my fries still on my plate!

Definitely should not have had McD's today - but we took James since he was soooo super good at school this week and that's what he decided he wanted for his special treat... I'm not sure why, he doesn't really seem to like the food. I think he mostly likes the PlayPlace. lol Also the Domino's for dinner probably wasn't the best choice either... but I was passed out and Mike chose our dinner soooo... yeah.

I spent a good deal of the day getting my house in order and we still have a loooong way to go. I got a new vacuum - thank GOD. I also mopped the shit out of my kitchen floor - mopping is a really good workout!!! Especially when your tile floors get as gross as ours do! I think my next project will be getting our master bathroom in shape. Tomorrow I should focus on getting some laundry done, too. And eating some fruits and veggies. lol

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!