Slowly Returning

Two weeks ago I decided not to be injured anymore. This week I'm deciding to return to exercise. Last week my physical therapist officially discharged me from her care. While I’m still having some tightness and soreness, it’s nothing I can’t live with and it’s not really limiting my mobility or normal daily activities anymore. She told me I could return to normal exercise, but to take it slowly.

I better heed that advice because, let’s face it, I’ve pretty much given up on being physically active in any way outside of just normal everyday stuff you are required to move around to do and PT sessions. When I first began physical therapy, I was still walking briskly and for a couple miles at a time a few times a week in an effort to make up for the fact that I couldn’t run/jog. Around the second week in October I pretty much gave up on that and decided my twice-weekly PT sessions were enough. My feelings of “I’m just going to be hurt forever” definitely fed into this and I’m not sure I really did myself any favors buying into the negative self-talk. Then again, it was right around this time that I started noticing real improvement in my injury, so I could also make the argument that the actual rest did my body good.

Regardless, I’m way out of a normal exercise routine and coming up short on motivation.

Those of you who follow my little Instagram #365daysofchange experiment have probably noticed an obvious drop-off in my activity. When I was no longer able to do the type of exercise I wanted to be able to do, it began to drop lower and lower on my priority list. I also felt incredibly self-conscious about the fact that I was mostly posting about going out for drinks or dinner or simply wallowing in my self-pity over my injury. The challenge or experiment or whatever you want to call it was supposed to be about maintaining daily exercise and activity, not only for my physical health but my mental health. A rest day was supposed to be time for me to meditate or practice some gentle yoga, to bring myself back into focus and relieve stress – maybe plan out meals or just spend some time doing something else I enjoyed. I haven’t been sticking to any of these guidelines I set for myself, I’m not longer inspiring myself and I find it impossible to believe my laziness and self-loathing is inspiring anyone else at this point either. I’ve considered just giving it up several different times, but then I feel like that’s just one more thing I can add to my list of things I’ve never completed/half-assed. So I keep chugging along, making sporadic contributions.

Meanwhile, I sit here and mourn my drive and motivation and wonder if I can blame the shorter daylight hours. The last two weeks have been pretty dark for me emotionally. That depression seems to be creeping back in and I’m not sure if this is just a side-effect of my lack of exercise/physical activity, the approaching holidays and the emotions surfacing over my papaw’s death, if this means I should contact my doctor about maybe increasing my antidepressant dosage, or if this could be yet another negative side-effect of my decision to go back on birth control about a month ago.

…or all of the above.

And speaking of being back on the pill: this is my first month back on and my migraines have already returned full-force, I’ve been nauseous practically all day every day (especially in the afternoon), and generally just feel pretty gross and ill. Not to mention in researching my side-effects the other night, I found that because I’m prone to ocular migraines regardless of being on or off hormonal birth control, I should not be on any type of birth control that contains estrogen as this can greatly increase my risk of blood clots and stroke regardless of age/health. Isn’t that just super? Mike and I chatted the other night and have decided those risks and the side-effects aren’t worth it and we’ll return to using non-hormonal forms of birth control for the time being.

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have such an understanding partner.  

So amidst all of this emotional and hormonal turmoil, I’ve done a lot of thinking about how I want to proceed into getting back on a regular workout schedule… and what I’m going to do about my calorie intake.

For the last month I’ve been pretty steadily dropping weight. I had one week where I stalled, but I’m averaging a little more than half a pound a week – which is fine. According to my FitBit estimated burn and my MFP logs, I’m in a 500 calorie deficit right now without even intending to be. Over the last couple weeks I quit worrying about my macros because it was driving me nutty. The only thing I’m really focusing on is my fiber intake. My medication can really ‘cause problems with my gut if I don’t eat enough fiber. We’ll just leave it at that.

So, I guess you could say I’m intuitively eating. I recently joined a Facebook group called “Eat the Food” that I stumbled across through the fitness community I dabble in occasionally. I’m really enjoying being part of the community so far and it’s really making me rethink my relationship with food and weight loss. Right now I think it might benefit me most to put the focus on the exercise – which I’ve had to do a few times in the past – and not worry so much about whether or not I’m eating at a deficit.

While I’m enjoying seeing the number on the scale move again, I’m also disappointed to find that I’ve lost a lot of my strength. Doing simple things like carrying the groceries in from the car, or hauling laundry (and toddlers) up and down the stairs just aren’t as effortless as they once were. I’m trying very hard not to let this discourage me too much since the only thing that will accomplish is my putting off strength training even longer as I buy into the “what’s the point?” mantra. I’m trying very hard not to let that happen.

My goal for today is to do some kind of strength training, no matter how brief. It will also be hard to keep myself from charging right into the whole thing and causing my injury to flare up. I’ve just got to take everything slow and steady. 

Tuning In... Finally

Yesterday, after writing that whole big hullabaloo about how I'm accepting my body and moving past my obsession with obsessing over food, I found myself thinking, "I've been eating way too many sweets for the last week. What the hell is this about? I've had to have something sweet everyday for like 6 days!" This immediately sent me into, "Maybe I need to start tracking again, maybe I can't just eat intuitively, maybe I'm going to gain back all that fat, maybe I need to restrict..."

And then I had a light bulb moment after noticing I had a random low back ache: I'm due to start my period at any moment. Of course I've been craving and subsequently eating sweets for the last several days. Hormones are a bitch, I tell you. And my skin is reacting accordingly by breaking out with a vengeance. This is what happens. It's normal.

Instead of beating myself up for not having greater willpower and avoiding the sweets at all costs, I just realized that some Oreo cookies and a few handfuls of peanut m&m's over the course of a week isn't going to undo everything I've been working on for 4 years. It's just not. Especially when the rest of my diet has been just fine. It's been an emotional week, as well, so I definitely don't need the added stress of a negative inner-monologue following me around everywhere. I'm finally tuning into my body in a way I haven't been able to due since high school.

...now, if only I could be better about making it gets the amount of sleep its constantly begging me for. Something to work on!

Update!!

I've had a really hard time focusing on just about anything lately, which is why I've sort of actively been avoiding trying to write an update for the blog. I'm a little all over the place, but a couple things have been on my mind lately - and organized or not, I'm going to try to write about them now.

1) Focusing on fun.

As many of you Regular Readers know, I've been struggling with depression for a little over a year now, and recently it's been creeping back into the "worse and worse" area from the "improving" side it hung out in for a few weeks back in March/April. Week before last, after going through 3 days of arguing and screaming with my husband about how I want to move forward with my career/lack of one, I sort of resigned myself to being miserable and slept a lot of the weekend away. But then last Monday my husband asked me a very important question: "Do you ever have fun anymore?"

I replied, "I like hanging you with you." Then he said, "Liking me isn't the same as having fun." Which is true. And I realized, no. I don't really have fun anymore. I'm too busy with work, being angry and depressed over work, trying to be Super Wife/Mom at home (and feeling like I'm forever failing), and generally being frustrated and irritated with everything/everyone to really focus on enjoying myself or having fun in anything I do. I realized I had only done 2 things recently that I really considered "fun" - one was going to play trivia with a group of friends (which has become a weekly gathering), and the other was baking a pie for my dad for Father's Day. "But I can't go to trivia EVERY night or bake a pie every day." Well, no. But I could do those things a couple times a week and have a little enjoyment...

So, the other day it was kind of hot and disgusting here in Virginia, so I set up the baby pool with Nolan when we got home from work/daycare in the evening. I was sitting outside with him, dipping my feet in the water, while reading a book - and he kept trying to dump water on my head. I started to get frustrated and angry, but instead decided to put the book down and play with him. It made him super happy and in-turn made me happy. It was fun. And I realized, I have to do these things. It's not going to fix everything - it may not fix anything - but at least if someone asks me if I ever have fun anymore, I can say, "Yes, sometimes." instead of having to honestly realize, "No, never." and wallow in how depressing that is.

The #356daysofchange campaign/challenge/whatever-you-want-to-call-it was supposed to be about mental wellness as well as physical wellness, and focusing on fun is a step in the right direction. I continued the trend by going out Friday night for the margaritas and Mexican food I've been craving for weeks, seeing my good friend's band play Saturday, and attending a last-minute pool party Sunday afternoon. I am now a bit exhausted and looking forward to a few nights in this week, but I felt like I was able to really enjoy my weekend for the first time in a long while.

2) It takes a long time to get fit/reach the body aesthetic/weight you want.

Not for everybody, but for lots of bodies. It's easy to get sucked in to the "success story". The person who lost 100 lbs (or more) in a year (or less), the person who switched to a Paleo-style diet and cured their Type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure within a matter of months, the person who shed 10% of their body fat in 6 months. These are major successes, but rare is it to read the success story of the person who reached their goal (whatever that may be; weight, body fat percentage, clothing size, cholesterol level, etc.) over the course of 4 or 5 (or 6 or 10) years. I sometimes feel as if people don't consider those to be real successes; that if you can't do it within a year, it really isn't worth celebrating or acknowledging.

In September, it'll have been 4 years since I started really working on losing weight and getting healthy. There was a pregnancy in the middle there, but losing weight and getting healthy was still on mind throughout the entire process. I couldn't tell you what I weigh today, but I betcha it's about 192 lbs. I've weighed right around that for 18 months. Sometimes I feel like this is a failure. But when I look at my body, the way my clothes fit, how I feel in the middle of a run or a workout - I'm a success. My body is completely different at THIS 192 lbs than at 2013's 192 lbs... and even more so than JANUARY'S 192. I gained a lot of fat over the winter...

But that's part of my point: it's not always a direct line from A to B. Many more people struggle over the course of several years to reach their goal. It takes time to find a good nutritional balance, the type of exercise you enjoy/respond best to, to make things like diet and exercise a constant top priority - but also to find a balance between that and letting loose and having fun sometimes without obsessing over calories or "is this the healthiest choice" or feeling like "I'm going to have to run this off later".

I still have fat on my body that I don't want or feel is unattractive. But overall I'm beginning to feel really comfortable in this body and to really like the way it looks. I'm also starting to focus more on buying/wearing clothing that is flattering on my body now instead of what my body might look like in 2 years. That's helped a lot in the self-esteem department.

3) I'm finally free from food.

Okay, that's maybe a weird way to put it... but I am finally free of calorie counting. A lot of this has come along with my body acceptance, as well as my realization that I just can't "heathily" track calories. Meaning, no matter what I've said in the past, I just get too wrapped up and obsessed over calories and macros and end up just feeling horrible about myself most of the time instead of feeling like I'm accomplishing something worthwhile. Because I was so obsessed for so long, I now know what types of foods I need to eat in order to regularly meet my nutritional needs without tracking everything. I have no idea how many calories I usually eat. Some days I'm sure it's close to 3500, some days probably 1900. I don't care. I'm continuing to build muscle and lose fat and my clothes fit and look better every day.

I'm learning to enjoy my food and eat more mindfully. I've fallen in love with salmon lately and have been eating tons of that and other fish. Same with vegetables. Especially grilled! All the salmon and grilled vegetables all the time!! I can't wait to buy a new grill this weekend so I can start grilling things outside vs on my George Foreman.

I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to eat the ice cream if I want it, or drink the beer, or go out to eat without feeling like I need to exercise to compensate for the calories. And on top of this, I've noticed I don't feel the desire to eat junk nearly as often. Nothing is off-limits, and therefore I don't ever feel deprived. If I'm hungry, I eat. Without guilt. It's amazing.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...sort of?

I’m not really sure how to start this one off, so I’m just going to kind of brain-vomit here for a minute:

It seems that the more depressed I get over certain aspects of my life, the more positive I get about my body image. I don’t know how to explain it really, but I’m struggling so much with making some major life choices and am adhering more and more the mantra of “life is too short to be miserable” – and while this isn’t magically dissolving my depression since I haven’t actually made any decisions yet, it has made me realize that being overly fixated on my body image and being unhappy about how I look is ridiculous. The fact of the matter is, I like my body just fine. It’s a pretty good looking body. It’s a pretty well-functioning body, too. 6 months ago, when I went for my first physical/check-up since I was a teenager, I was a healthy person. And in the last 6 months I’ve made several BIG changes that are only adding to my health: quitting smoking, eating out less often, drinking alcohol less often, getting 7-8 hours of sleep regularly, and being more active and/or exercising on a daily basis.

This isn’t to say that there aren’t still things I want to change about the way I look – there are. But I’m learning how to let go of those aesthetic (and scale weight) changes as my main focus and putting more emphasis on how things make me feel and how they affect my physical (and mental) health. Am I going for a run because I feel like I have to in order to eat that pizza/drink that beer/have that ice cream, or am I going for a run because it makes me feel good/clears my mind/boosts my mood? Am I doing strength training to get “awesome abs”/”toned arms”/”dancers legs”, or am I doing it because it makes it easier to lift my toddler/boosts my metabolism/makes me sleep better?

More and more I’m doing my chosen type of exercise for the health benefits, not the what-my-body-looks-like benefits. And the fact is, my body composition will change as I continue to do these things and one day I may wake up and realize that doing things for my health has also improved my body aesthetic – but that is quickly becoming just an added bonus and not the main purpose of all this time and energy I put into fitness.

…as far as counting calories goes, I’ve all but given it up. I will still log my food – sometimes daily, sometimes just a couple days a week - but I don’t really stress over the calorie count anymore. I’ve raised my “limit” to TDEE, and I’m making sure my protein and carbs are where I want them to be. Probably the biggest change for me and my relationship with food is now when I eat “junk” or sweets I make sure to ask myself after the first bite if I really want it. If that first bite isn’t as delicious as I want it to be, more and more I’ll choose not to eat any more of it. I’m maintaining my weight while my body composition continues to change, and that’s okay. I’m happy here. And thank goodness! It’s hard enough dealing with all this depression, stress, and anxiety without the added pressure of hating my body all day every day. I was in that place over the winter and it was pretty terrible and crushing. I’m working really hard to maintain this body positivity while wading through the rest, and it feels so wonderful to give myself a break from the abuse and negativity.

Now for something completely different:

#100daysofchange will soon be coming to an end, and I’m kind of freaking out about it. It’s been such an amazing tool for me and an excellent way to hold myself accountable. Thank you to everyone who has been following (and participating) in this little project! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve decided I want to extend this challenge for myself. I want to make this a year-long project. I’m still coming up with a tag for it, but it may be as simple as #365daysofchange or something similar. I’ll be sure to make the announcement once I’ve made up my mind.

Intuitve Eating = Winning

• Whole wheat English muffin w/ organic butter and strawberry spread, 2 sausage patties, coffee w/ a little bit of sugar and organic half-and-half
• Almonds w/ a banana
• Leftover spinach feta “cheesy bread” w/ mixed greens salad (greens, carrots, Caesar dressing)
• A few pretzels
• Baked ziti (full-fat mozzarella and ricotta, whole grain pasta, tomato basil sauce) w/ mixed greens salad (same as above), homemade garlic bread using fresh Italian bread, a glass of whole milk
• Post-workout fruit smoothie w/ vanilla protein powder, frozen strawberries
• Homemade brownie w/ small scoop of cookies and cream ice cream
• Lots of water throughout the day

^This is what I ate Monday. I didn’t log any of those food items into my calorie tracker. It killed me a little bit not to log any of those food items into my calorie tracker… to the point where I did the math in my head at one point while catching up on some tv. And then I realize that’s kind of crazy. Why does it matter?! It doesn’t matter. Because I’ve been doing this for so long that I know how to do just fine, how to stay within my goals/limits. I know what all those food values are. I know what a serving size is/looks like. But that’s not the point – the point is to stop obsessing about those values, and to eat if I’m hungry, to eat quality food when I’m hungry (most of the time), and to eat the type of food I’m hungry for (protein or carb, fruit or veggie, whatever).

Somewhat surprisingly, I found it much easier to make more whole food choices throughout the day instead of immediately going for the taquitos in my freezer, or the leftover birthday cake in the Tupperware on top of the fridge. While I obviously had some dessert at the end of the day, it was a small portion.

I don’t eat terrible things all the time. This is something else I need to remind myself. If I’m eating 5-6 times a day, averaging anywhere from 2000-2500 calories, and 500 of those calories come from “junk”, I’m still doing pretty well. I’m doing a lot better than most.

Tuesday was also a good food day. I had a homemade full-fat greek yogurt strawberry/blueberry/granola parfait-type-dealie for breakfast, some apples w/ raw almonds for a snack, Qdoba bowl for lunch w/ black beans/chicken/veggies/salsa/sour cream/cheese and guacamole and a glass of water (where I normally would have gone for the soda), and a repeat of Monday’s ziti dinner. As a nightcap, I had a tall vanilla rooibus latte while visiting with a friend. I felt a little hungry right around bedtime, but drank some water and was able to sleep just fine.

Wednesday was a bit different. While I enjoyed healthy breakfast and snack,  lunch ended up at Taco Bell when I was really just hungry for a salad or something from home, and then I botched dinner by trying to fit in a run after work and ended up eating those frozen taquitos mentioned above (actually they’re southwest eggrolls, but what’s the diff, right? Junk is junk) following by half of a small blizzard from Dairy Queen. There was a quick milk/protein powder shake somewhere in there, as well. Overall, not a good food day.

But I learned something: over the last few days I’ve found it much easier to identify proper hunger and fullness cues. Normally I would have just pounded that blizzard because ICE CREAM DELICIOUS! But I no longer felt hungry halfway through, so I stopped. I did the same thing with my lunch over the last couple days - ate about two-thirds or three-fourths of my meal, no longer felt hungry, and just left the rest.

I’m recognizing better what type of food I’m actually hungry for, recognizing and acknowledging my feelings of “this was a poor food choice” (my exact words to my husband at Taco Bell on Weds lol) and sort of storing that in my mind for the future (ie: if you’re hungry for a salad with maybe some lunch meat or chicken and you eat a Taco Bell crunchwrap instead, it’s probably not going to be as satisfying or make you feel as good), and recognizing when I’m no longer hungry much easier. But most importantly: I’m no longer going through the day constantly wondering, “What and when will I eat next?” or feeling hungry all the time. I’ve been really good this week about always having healthy and filling snacks with me at work and making sure I’m stocked at home, as well. If I get hungry in between big meals, I eat those snacks. Sometimes it’s a lot, sometimes just a couple bites. 

So, yay! That's all well and good and working out better than expected and all that jazz... however, I completely dropped the ball on Female Body Breakthrough this week. While I've been "active", getting my 10,000 steps in (or within just a few hundred of 10k), yoga, runs, walks, etc. - FBB workouts have fallen to the wayside. I think I really did a number on my body last Saturday by eating next-to-nothing, working out hard, and then drinking a lot of beer and staying up pretty late. Monday's workout was really difficult and I was really lacking energy and focus. I didn't really push myself because I just couldn't, and took longer rests between circuits than I normally would. Tuesday I did some restorative yoga, which felt pretty good, but it was also much more difficult than it normally would be. I was also having some lower back issues which I think were/are stemming from lack of abdominal focus/over-arching during squats and that was definitely effecting my yoga poses. As I said above, Wednesday I attempted to run after work. I had both kids with me, which was fine though slightly distracting, but the actual "run" part was really hard, and honestly I mostly just walked at a decent clip most of the time. Even that wore me out! I tried to do just a quick round of circuits (not FBB) when I got home, just trying to keep somewhat on-schedule for strength.. but I just couldn't. My legs were NOT cooperating. I had so much muscle fatigue. So Thursday night, even though I felt INCREDIBLY guilty about it, I decided to for-real rest - no yoga, no running, just normal walking around during the day, etc. While I'm not entirely sure I'll have the chance to fit my regular FBB workout in tonight, due to the fact that I'm going out to enjoy some live music (YAY!!!), I definitely plan on getting something in on Saturday whether that be FBB, a run, or maybe both depending on how I'm feeling. It's supposed to be nice weather this weekend before another polar vortex comes through Monday night and starts ruining everything. It's almost MARCH! Can't we be done with this crap already?! ...I digress. 

My plan is to restart Week 3 of FBB on Monday to make sure I get those 3 workouts in and hopefully the "metabolic circuits" next Saturday or Sunday. But I'm really not stressing myself on the metabolic extras right now since I'm trying to fit some runs in to hopefully be somewhat prepped for the 5k in April.

This week has been much better in terms of sleep and taking proper "wind down" time before lights out, although I've slacked a bit on housework. My mood hasn't been quite as stable as I would have liked and I've had some pretty terrible mini breakdowns which have mostly been spurned by my demon spawn children. Having an autism-spectrum/gifted/hyper-sensitive 8 year old who lacks general common sense in all things, and a toddler in the most turbulent throes of the Terrible Twos who is so goddamn smart I don't even know what I'm going to do with him, makes me feel like running away to Fiji, faking my death or some other equally hyperbolic yet appropriate escape. AHHH!!! why couldn't my children just be AVERAGE?! This is NOT NOT NOT a humblebrag -- this is a very serious, difficult thing that makes me constantly question whether or not I am cut out to be a mother and worry about if my subpar parenting will lead to my terrifyingly brilliant children becoming terrifyingly brilliant axe-murderers. Plus some general mom/wife feelings of being under-appreciated and over-worked. But, then, who doesn't feel that way? I'm trying to acknowledge and move forward without saying to myself, "These are stupid feelings that only stupid people feel and you should stop being stupid" and then shoving them all down to just having them rear larger, uglier heads later. Heads that will bite me in the ass. 

So yeah. That's what's up.

Making Peace

After about a week (well, another week in an on-and-off string of many) of being incredibly frustrated with feeling like I work my butt off, burn all these calories, try to (mostly) make better food choices, eat ALL THE PROTEIN, feel like I’m starving all the time despite eating 2000-2300 calories/day regardless if those are junk food calories or whole food calories, and seeing little fluctuation on the scale (aside from UP), and no progress in inches lost in the places I most want/need to see it (ie: belly/hips), I finally had a revelation yesterday: I’m fucking done.

And what that really means is not, “I’m giving up on trying to be healthy/fit completely and am just gonna be lazy and sedentary and eat all the junky faux foods and be a big fat American.” What it means is, I’m done tracking and macro counting and logging and obsessing and feeling disappointed in myself for not being able to maintain an appropriate starvation level while maintaining an appropriately high activity level. I feel like what is supposed to be appropriate is not appropriate for me. Something is not working and the added stress of constantly wondering/worrying if I’m “doing it right” on top of the normal stress in my life definitely isn’t helping.

As a young woman, I was always able to maintain my (must lower) weight with regular light exercise and eating mostly at home and eating what I was hungry for when I was hungry for it… sometimes that meant ice cream for breakfast and eggs and bacon for dinner.

I’m committed to my exercise routine right now. I’m enjoying the FBB program and got my 3 workouts in this week. While I’ve gotten lazy on the rest-day yoga and weekend runs (kind of hard to run with a foot of snow on the ground), I’ve got the strength training down and I believe that’s the most important.

I know I’ve experimented with more intuitive eating in the past, but it usually only lasts a couple weeks because I all of sudden start freaking out that I’m eating too many carbs or not enough protein or because I start getting paranoid about gaining weight back, even though I’m not… but what’s funny about that is, I’m pretty sure I eat LESS overall calories when I’m not tracking and get plenty of protein, etc. Go figure.

Throughout yesterday and today and my consideration of this “no fucks to give about tracking food” idea, I’ve also thought about giving up my FitBit for a couple weeks. I’m obsessed with it and the stats it provides me with… especially the sleep tracking, lately. Part of me thinks it might be beneficial to stick it in my sock drawer for a couple weeks or a month, but the other part of me isn’t ready for that just yet. Perhaps when spring temperatures arrive I’ll give it a shot, just because I’m more active in the warmer months to begin with. I’ve had the Flex for about 9 months, and have had some sort of fitness tracking device attached to my person since December of 2012. As all of you regular readers know, I’ve also had a weight plateau since about the same time. I’m not saying one has anything to do with the other, but I do need to consider that perhaps my fancy fitness tracker isn’t really boosting my fitness or activity level and therefore just provides me with more information to obsess and worry and stress over. So much technology complicating everything!

I really wish life were just a little simpler in all aspects. There is a Fleet Foxes song that I love called “Helplessness Blues”, and the bridge of the song says, “If I had an orchard I’d work till I’m raw, if I had an orchard I’d work till I’m sore.” Sometimes I really wish I had grown up on a farm or something similar, that I had something to put physical and mental labor into, to produce something worth producing. To take pride in the things I accomplish on a daily basis. To do something that makes getting up at dawn and going to bed at dark feel worthwhile enough that you don’t worry about what you’re “giving up” by being early to bed and early to rise.

I’m sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.

So, basically it all boils down to: I’m going to stop logging food. Possibly permanently. I will still be logging my workouts just because that data feeds to my FitBit and helps keep those stats more accurate. I’ll also still be hanging out on MyFitnessPal. I enjoy poking around in the forums every now and then, as well as keeping up with my MFP friends and real-life friends who also use MFP. I can still continue to support others’ journeys as I navigate the bumps in the road of my own.

I’ll now be eating more at home, I’ll be eating what I want when I’m hungry for it. I refuse to feel guilty. I refuse to worry about my protein or carb intake or how many/how little calories I’m eating. All the macro information for every food on the planet is burned into my brain, anyway. I know what “costs” my body what. Moving forward I’m going to continue to focus on planning meals and buying more local and/or organic produce/meats/dairy for better quality food.

It’s time to focus on my future, on lifestyle changes I can really live with, on accepting where I am now both physically and mentally, loving myself and my body, loving myself enough to improve. It’s time to really think about all those things on my “Future Self” list and start putting them into action. It’s time to quit worrying so much about what other people think of what I’m eating/how I’m exercising and just do what works best for me and keeps me healthy.

There's a reason...

...that I haven't posted ALL WEEK.

I've been super sick. Monday and Tuesday I pretty much felt like I was dying a little, yesterday was a bit better, and today is MUCH better.

I have not exercised at all this week thanks to all of that and even though I probably am healthy enough to hit the gym today I won't because we are going out of town tomorrow and I have to finish laundry and pack. UGH.

I can't remember everything I ate (or didn't eat) Monday and Tues... it wasn't much, I'll tell you that. Cereal for breakfast and soup for the rest, I think. So, yeah. Not much. But here's what I had yesterday...

Weds 3/9:

• breakfast: one packet plain oatmeal (cooked, obv) w/ 1/2 tbsp honey and 1/8 cup of milk
• am snack: raw almonds and a banana
• lunch: 6" turkey breast on wheat from Subway w/ provolone, lettuce, cucumbers, bell pepper, onion, pickles, and mustard, baked lays, ONE white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, green tea to drink
• pm snack: venti skim chai from Starbucks
• no dinner (bad, I know)
• 0 cigarettes - that makes 5 days
• 11pm bedtime
• $11 spent between lunch and Starbucks

I have a really big weekend ahead of me that I'm super excited for! I'm bringing the laptop with me so I should have a chance to update while I'm down there.. I hope. I really will be better about this, you guys. 

Quick note: last night as I was getting ready for bed I really started to see some of the changes in my body. I went to the doc on Tues and they weighed me - 197lbs. That was fully dressed and after having eaten, though. I'm not going to complain. Part of this new "exercise more" experiment is that I'm trying not to weigh myself every week anymore. I think it really throws me off when the scale doesn't reflect what I can clearly see with my eyes and feel in my body. 

I'd like to make a statement now:

If on my birthday, April 15th, I am still at the exact same weight (or heavier than) I was the last time I stepped on my scale (195lbs) then I will start strictly counting calories again. 

That's a promise. As much as I really don't want to... I have to say, I'm really enjoying my life of non-calorie-obsession. Thanks to the many months and years of calorie-counting and internet information crammed into my brain I can tell you the caloric worth of pretty much anything to set in from of me... and with that knowledge I'm able to consistently make wise eating choices. Plus I've found I'm starting to do that whole "intuitive eating" thing - when you pay enough attention to your body to know when you're REALLY hungry or if you're just bored, distracted, what-have-you. Probably why I didn't have dinner last night. I had a nice, filling lunch and then I just.. wasn't really hungry. Granted, my chai latte may have helped stave off my hunger a bit... but I think when I was always counting calories I found myself eating simple because I had "room" to do so... I would think, "I still have 600 calories left for today" and so I'd find a way to eat those 600 remaining calories whether I was actually hungry for them or not. Or I would think, "I only have 67 calories left for the day.." and I'd be starving an hour after dinner but couldn't "afford" to let myself eat anything else. I know for me it was becoming a little ridiculous... and mentally unhealthy. We all know I have enough mental illness going on without the food stuff!! lol 

Anyway. The bottom line is: I'm much happier with my relationship with food these days and because of that my general stress level is way down. Go me!