I’m not really sure how to start this one off, so I’m just
going to kind of brain-vomit here for a minute:
It seems that the more depressed I get over certain aspects of
my life, the more positive I get about my body image. I don’t know how to explain
it really, but I’m struggling so much with making some major life choices and
am adhering more and more the mantra of “life is too short to be miserable” –
and while this isn’t magically dissolving my depression since I haven’t
actually made any decisions yet, it has made me realize that being overly
fixated on my body image and being unhappy about how I look is ridiculous. The
fact of the matter is, I like my body just fine. It’s a pretty good looking
body. It’s a pretty well-functioning body, too. 6 months ago, when I went for
my first physical/check-up since I was a teenager, I was a healthy person. And
in the last 6 months I’ve made several BIG changes that are only adding to my
health: quitting smoking, eating out less often, drinking alcohol less often,
getting 7-8 hours of sleep regularly, and being more active and/or exercising
on a daily basis.
This isn’t to say that there aren’t still things I want to
change about the way I look – there are. But I’m learning how to let go of
those aesthetic (and scale weight) changes as my main focus and putting more
emphasis on how things make me feel and how they affect my physical (and
mental) health. Am I going for a run because I feel like I have to in order to
eat that pizza/drink that beer/have that ice cream, or am I going for a run
because it makes me feel good/clears my mind/boosts my mood? Am I doing
strength training to get “awesome abs”/”toned arms”/”dancers legs”, or am I doing
it because it makes it easier to lift my toddler/boosts my metabolism/makes me
sleep better?
More and more I’m doing my chosen type of exercise for the
health benefits, not the what-my-body-looks-like benefits. And the fact is, my
body composition will change as I continue to do these things and one day I may
wake up and realize that doing things for my health has also improved my body
aesthetic – but that is quickly becoming just an added bonus and not the main
purpose of all this time and energy I put into fitness.
…as far as counting calories goes, I’ve all but given it up.
I will still log my food – sometimes daily, sometimes just a couple days a week
- but I don’t really stress over the calorie count anymore. I’ve raised my “limit”
to TDEE, and I’m making sure my protein and carbs are where I want them to be.
Probably the biggest change for me and my relationship with food is now when I
eat “junk” or sweets I make sure to ask myself after the first bite if I really want it. If that first bite isn’t
as delicious as I want it to be, more and more I’ll choose not to eat any more
of it. I’m maintaining my weight while my body composition continues to change,
and that’s okay. I’m happy here. And thank goodness! It’s hard enough dealing
with all this depression, stress, and anxiety without the added pressure of
hating my body all day every day. I was in that place over the winter and it
was pretty terrible and crushing. I’m working really hard to maintain this body
positivity while wading through the rest, and it feels so wonderful to give
myself a break from the abuse and negativity.
Now for something completely different:
#100daysofchange will soon be coming to an end, and I’m kind
of freaking out about it. It’s been such an amazing tool for me and an
excellent way to hold myself accountable. Thank you to everyone who has been following
(and participating) in this little project! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,
and I’ve decided I want to extend this challenge for myself. I want to make
this a year-long project. I’m still coming up with a tag for it, but it may be
as simple as #365daysofchange or something similar. I’ll be sure to make the
announcement once I’ve made up my mind.
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