Slipping

I made a very big mistake last week. I allowed myself to give in to my post-vacation blues (ha! "post-vacation") and after one workout I decided I would give myself a "break" and settle back into normal home/work routine. I kept up with my walks on my lunch breaks, but other than that I booked my social calendar, drank far too heavily and too often, ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted, and ended up burned out and emotionally wrecked by Saturday afternoon. My depression and frustration lead me to randomly go for a 3 mile run, which was great. It felt good, it was one of best pace times, it pushed me out of my funk. I "celebrated" by drinking more. Sunday was a BBQ for a friend's birthday - and I knew I shouldn't drink heavily, but I did anyway. I had a great time, but I paid for it today. I woke up on my own at 8am, but forced myself back to sleep until 10am. That was probably a bad idea - too much sleep seems to affect me in much the same way too little sleep does. I was lethargic and grouchy most of the morning/afternoon. A LOT of emotional eating happened today. A LOT. While it was no 4,000 calorie day like yesterday (although, yesterday I was legit hungry)... I've eaten a lot of sugar and carbs today. Very little fat and protein. This is a problem and did nothing in assisting with my energy level.

Needless to say, there was no getting back "#onpogram" today. I am wallowing here a little bit. I am hopeful tomorrow I can motivate and get back on track. I realized today that I'm quickly reaching the end-point of my #100daysofchange and I feel like I'm either sabotaging or it's all just kind of falling apart. If I can just get back into an exercise routine I know it will help me in 100 different ways, but I'm struggling with some pretty major feelings of... I don't even know how to explain it. "Unhappiness" feels too simple and mild of a word, but I guess that's it.

I want to change my whole life, but feel powerless to do so. I'm not comfortable laying it all out here on the blog right now, but I probably will at some point. I'm trying to figure out how I need to move forward in the immediate future because I find myself saying to myself repeatedly throughout the day nearly everyday, "I don't think I can do this anymore."

I think I know what changed... I think I know what triggered this, em, existential crisis? I am making a conscious effort everyday to say to myself, "These are blessings, you will be happy, you will have a great day, you're deciding to be positive." But that doesn't seem to be benefiting me much. It's supposed to be that simple, right? You just decide that what you have is good enough, that what you do everyday makes you happy, that you are grateful. ...maybe I'm just not very good at convincing myself any longer. I hate feeling this way.

So, all I can say is: I hope tomorrow is better. I hope I can motivate to workout or at least run. I hope I can avoid emotionally eating tons of sugar. I hope I can level out a bit.