Goodbye, Old Friend

Bugsy
June 2000 - February 2012

This is my dog, Bugsy. We had to put him down on Saturday. He had a massive tumor in his abdomen that had displaced most of his organs and was crushing his intestines, along with some pretty severe internal bleeding and spleen damage from this tumor.

It is hard for me to describe how much I miss him already. He deteriorated quickly over the last week.. 3 days of that week he spent with me at my house, and I am incredibly thankful that I got to have that time with him. I realized he was becoming very ill very quickly, but I didn't think that when he went home Friday night, that I would be saying my final goodbye to him 18 hours later.

I was able to be there with him when he passed on, with my Dad. To be honest, I think Dad and I loved him the most. Part of me felt like I was betraying him by holding his head as the vet euthanized him. I just kept telling him he was a good boy and it was okay. What are you supposed to say? After, all I could do was say how sorry I was.. his head was wet with my tears. We sat and continued to pet him and talk to him long after he was gone. When he started to get cold, it was time to go... and even though I knew he wasn't there anymore - that spark that made him Bugsy, that made him MY dog, was gone - it was hard to walk out of that room and just leave him there. I couldn't help but think, "He won't understand why we are leaving. He hates being left at the vet." But that was just his body, not actually Bugsy. And he's in doggie heaven now, romping around with his friends and eating as many used napkins as he can get his mouth on.



So Saturday was obviously a pretty rough day. I cried pretty much the entire afternoon and into the evening. I ate a lot of junk food and drank a lot of beer. I didn't really count points yesterday or today. Today was better, but now that the kids are in bed and Mike's out for his Man Night, I'm missing my dog and getting really sad again. It's hitting me a lot harder than I expected it to. I'm not going to lie, part of me wants to go out and get a Golden Retriever puppy. But that is probably not the healthiest response - on top of the fact that I have no business buying a puppy when I have a baby to take care of and spend money on.

I need to grieve. And I guess I thought that losing a pet wouldn't be quite the same as losing a person... but he was a family member. He was our "damn dog". When James was a baby, Bugsy let that kid poke and punch him, pull his ears and tail and put his hands all up in his mouth. When James would cry, Bugsy would rush to him and look at us as if to say, "Hello?! He NEEDS you!! Take care of him!!" It is incredibly sad for me to think that Nolan will never remember Bugsy or have the chance to "torture" him as he moves into toddlerhood.

But back to the health/fitness updates... so, like I said, didn't really count points this weekend. I'm okay with that. I did go to the gym for an hour Saturday morning and that felt amazing! My friend Andrea just signed up for a 7 day pass for my gym and I'm really excited to have a buddy to go with this coming week.

I lost 0.6 pounds this week - not quite as good as last week, but I'm okay with it. A loss is a loss. My measurements have come down a bit as well. I know I said in my post last week that I would share those with you and, well, I plum forgot... so here they are now:

Measurements @ 2/18/12:

• Weight: 211lbs
• Chest: 42"
• Waist: 36" - 41" at bellybutton
• Hips: 47"
• Biceps: 13"
• Thighs: 27"

So, I've lost an inch off my chest, waist, and thighs so far, and an inch and a half off my hips. Not bad, I would say. I have one pound to lose this week to meet the goal I set for March 1st. I will do my actual weigh-in March 2nd, since that's my Weight Watchers weigh-in day. Hopefully I can REMEMBER this week and not have to put it off to Saturday. I hope my splurging this weekend won't set me back. Tomorrow I get back to my cleaner eating and back in the gym. I think being sure to keep up with my workouts will help with my grieving process as well. The better I feel physically, the easier it is for me to stay in a positive mental place. That is a fact for me. I just need to remind myself of it.

A little less motivation

Today was a pretty good day... until dinner. We had dinner with my in-laws - which was great, as we don't get to see them too often - BUT (there's always a but, isn't there?).. we went to Old Country Buffet. Which, for those of you not familiar, is like a Golden Corral.. only not nearly as delicious. I did pretty well all things considered. I had a giant salad with baby spinach and cucumbers and carrots and just a little sprinkle of cheese and a little bit of low-fat Ranch dressing... and then a small (smaller than the palm of my hand) chicken-fried steak with some biscuit gravy and small small serving of mashed potatoes also with biscuit gravy. So even that, not so bad. I also drank only water. For desert I had a miniscule square of what I'm assuming what supposed to be cheesecake (although it didn't really taste like cheesecake) and then about 1/4 of a chocolate chip cookie square. That's all fine and dandy. Then we left. Then my baby screamed the 15 minute drive home because he decided he was STARVING TO DEATH as soon as we were walking to the car. Then when we got home I realized his diaper was about to explode, so there was more screaming as I made him wait another 5 minutes for his bottle (how DARE I?!). Then by the time he ate, had a bath and I got him ready for bed.. well, it was an hour passed his usual bedtime and he was overtired and out of sorts and fighting sleep and me the whole way.

My stress level quickly went from low to EXTREMELY HIGH within the course of about an hour. Let me just say that both of my children were perfectly behaved all during dinner. I guess you can't really ask for more than that. But my hopes and dreams of going to the gym quickly went out the window as the clock approached 8:45 and the baby was not yet asleep (although I passed bedtime duty off to Daddy at that point, lest I through my child across the room.. there is a reason nature makes them so cute).

Rationally I know if I had just sucked it up and gone to the gym - be it 9pm or not - I would have felt probably 100% better. But the last Bud Light living in the fridge was calling my name.. as were the cigarettes living in my purse. Needless to say.. I chose to self-medicate rather than go work my frustrations out by lifting weights and "running" on the eliptical. I'm a little disappointed in myself.

Self discovery note: junk food makes me depressed. As soon as I ate that chicken-fried steak with that biscuit gravy I felt my mood sink. And then when I ate that sort-of-a-cheesecake square I realized, "I'm not even hungry anymore... I'm just eating this because it's here." I think if I had stuck with my salad and maybe a little bit of mashed potatoes I may have felt more like going to the gym.

My plan for tomorrow is to take my gym bag with me to work, and hit the gym right after I get out before I pick up the baby from the sitters. I figure I can get at least 45 minutes of something in. Maybe do just a smaller version of my normal cardio/strength training routine.

I also weigh-in tomorrow, and I'm concerned that my fried food and beer is going to effect the result. :-\   I'll be hydrating quite a bit before bed tonight.

So far, so good

I did two workouts last week - neither at the gym, but both involving cardio and weight training with my good friend Andrea! (You can check out her running/eating healthy/being a mommy/planning a wedding blog here!)

I earned 12 WW activity points, plus didn't end up using all of my flex points for the week.

The other night after our workout, Andrea and I were talking a lot about the frustrations of winter making us want to sleep all the time and eat junk/comfort food whenever we're not sleeping, and the mental tug-of-war between letting yourself feel like there is plenty of time to reach your weight loss goal and feeling like your wasting valuable time all over the place. I feel like I especially struggle with this.

One example: on New Year's Eve we went to a party and I definitely was having a rough time squeezing into a cute pair of jeans for the night. I remember trying not to be disheartened, as I told myself, "By Mike's birthday you'll be smokin' hot. You're going to get the go-ahead from your Doc next week to start exercising again and then you'll have 3 weeks to get into a good gym routine before having to go back to work and then another 3 weeks before his birthday - that's 6 weeks of exercise and healthy eating to transform your flabby body. It'll be great!" Well... a good gym routine didn't happen. I started watching what I was eating, but still splurging a lot. So, Mike's birthday rolled around last week and I really look no different. I've lost about 5lbs since the end of December, but I believe most of that is the fluid retention loss that happens as you get further away from the day you gave birth.

All through January I told myself, "You have plenty of time." But do I really? I'm a bridesmaid in Andrea's wedding in October, and I would really like to be down to at least 180lbs by October. I feel like that is a SUPER lenient goal. I expect to meet it.. I expect to exceed it. I have to keep my positive attitude.

So here are my stats for Friday's weigh in: 211.6

That's a 2.5lb loss! I'm pretty happy with that. Getting some exercise definitely helped.

I'm off to a good start for this week as well! I've worked out twice do far, some mini cardio and strength training yesterday and 45 mins of just cardio tonight. Already up to 12 activity points for the week! Planning on doing strength training again tomorrow and then try to get a third day of cardio and strength Saturday. I don't see any reason why I can't accomplish this. I'm really excited to get in the scale Friday morning and see if I'm closer to my goal of 210lbs by march 1st. I would be ecstatic to exceed that goal!

My measurements are also going down. I've lost an inch off my waist so far and two inches off my chest - although that probably has more to do with no longer breastfeeding than anything else. Oh, floppy boobs.. But all these bench presses should help perk those girls up a little bit!!

Sorry, that was probably a little tmi. Lol

I will post my full measurement updates when I'm not posting from my iPhone... Yay blogger app!!

Anyhoo.. I'm also doing awesome with my healthier eating. I'm really proud of myself with that. It's made it a lot easier to stay within my daily points allowance, for sure. The only "problem" with losing the weight is.. My daily points allowance will go down. Haha. Oh well. Small price to pay, right?

Positive Thought of The Day

I've decided that when I have positive thoughts about myself pop into my head - I should post them here. That way, I can always go back and read all those positive thoughts when I'm feeling down on myself.

Here goes!

Today I thought:

I have great arms

Failing Already?

My post title is a little misleading because right  now I'm trying so hard to NOT think "I'm failing already". 

I weighed in on Friday after my first full week on Weight Watchers. I've lost nothing. I stayed within my points target and well below my "flex" points for the week. Logically I know that being sick and barely eating for almost a week probably had something to do with it. And especially the fact that I spent most of that sick-week either in bed or on the sofa and had no physical exertion whatsoever. I know these things. I also know that my body does not respond well to dieting alone. My body requires that I exercise in some way, shape, or form (no matter how small) in order to kick into weight loss mode. I started to panic yesterday that it would be impossible for me to meet my 4lb loss goal for February. Tonight I started that horrible inner monologue of "why even try when you're not going to be able to do it anyway?" 

What is THAT all about? 

I guess a large part of me is feeling like I let myself get away with too much the first time I started this adventure. I don't want to allow myself to be lazy this time. The math doesn't lie - and the math tells me that if I can stick to these two simple things: a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise 3-4 times a week - then I absolutely can reach my ultimate goal weight by the end of this year. 3 weeks ago that was incredibly motivating for me. 3 weeks ago I believed in myself more than I ever have before. THAT is the difference between September 2010 and January 2012. I know, if I'm honest with myself, that when I set out to lose weight in September 2010 I didn't believe I really could do it. Sure, I thought, I could lose maybe 10 or 15lbs. I could get back down to 180. Maybe. I kept telling myself and others, "I've had a child. Let's face it, my body is different. I'll never be 160 again." I was blatantly ignoring the fact that I had gotten back down to 170 for my wedding just 2 years before. Had I kept up with my gym habits after the wedding, I could have been at 160 by Christmas of 2008. Then come January 2012 - just a little over a month after having a second child - I was telling myself, "You can do this and you can do this now. You can accomplish this within the year." So where is this negativity coming from? I feel as if I've never let the scale dictate my mood or motivation before. My clothes are fitting much much better than they were even just a week ago. I understand part of this is my hips, rib cage, etc. shrinking back down to their normal size -- but who cares?! I can comfortably fit into those 18's! A month ago a 20 was snug! 

Writing this now is making me feel a lot better. But I'm realizing that my biggest enemy and my biggest obstacle over the next 9-12 months is going to be myself. There is a mean girl that lives inside my head and she wants me to be fat and stay complacent just so she can say, "I told you so. I knew you couldn't do it." 

While I was home sick earlier in the week, I caught an episode of Dr. Oz where they spoke to a panel of women who were purposely keeping themselves morbidly obese to cater to the Feederism community (google it). They had a psychologist on the show who specializes in overcoming emotional obstacles for weight loss, and the first question he said every person must ask themselves before attempting to lose weight is: Who told you you were worthless?

This really struck me. I thought it was excellent. If you think you're worthless than why would you want to work to try to lose weight to be healthy? Why would you think you deserved that health if you feel worthless? 

Here was my thing... the only person I could really think of that had ever told me I was worthless was.. me. I don't know where it comes from (something I'm working towards figuring out in counseling), but it's definitely there. And that chick in the back of my head.. man, she is MEAN. 

I'm hoping that by recognizing that I am my own worst enemy is a giant step in the right direction. I'm hoping to be able to curb that automatic negativity and focus on that positive feeling I had in January. I can be a weight loss success story. I just have to remind myself that not only CAN I be... but I WILL be. I've been thinking about writing positive notes to myself and leaving them posted around the house randomly. This might need to be a project for this week.

• Weight at 2/10/12: 214lbs
• Target points: 36 daily w/ 40 flex points for the week - 24 flex points remaining as of today (flex points reset on Fridays - weigh-in day)
• Goal for the week: hit the gym at least twice

Looking Back

I know it's kind of a cliche with weight loss, but it's funny how when you look at old pictures, you always come across certain pictures and you think, "I looked really good then." but then you can remember feeling like you were totally fat and disgusting at the time.

My moment like that happened yesterday while searching through iPhoto for a goal weight photo. I came across my pictures from my 1 year wedding anniversary. This was right before I REALLY started packing on the pounds. I was around 180 or 185, I suppose. I had gained about 10lbs since my wedding. I remember feeling like I was so large. But looking at those photos yesterday I thought, "I looked great!". Not only did I look great, but I looked COMFORTABLE in my body. Isn't that interesting? I can remember feeling really bad about starting to gain weight.. but I looked so happy and comfortable in my own skin. I think maybe being a newlywed had something to do with it lol. I was also able to pinpoint when I got big enough that I was NOT comfortable in my body anymore... I'm all hunched over in photos, there are a lot where I have my arms crossed over my belly, etc.

I just found that interesting. I hope once I get back down to the 180's that I will be able to consciously recognize how good I really look, how far I've come form where I am today. I hope I will be proud. And I hope that pride will spur me forward to continue eating healthy and exercising frequently in order to reach my ultimate goal weight. And what I hope more than anything is that when I do reach my ultimate goal weight, I will be able to SEE it. To truly see it.

Anyhoo...

I finally got my appetite back a bit last night and the first thing I wanted was a Heath bar Blizzard from Dairy Queen. My husband, being well trained during my pregnancy, immediately ran out to get me one... lol. I'm not sure if that's really a good thing or not. But it was a good thing I didn't eat much of anything the whole rest of the day.. because of the little bit I did eat, that small blizzard ate up (haha) all the rest of my day's Weight Watchers points!

Today I have stayed well within my alloted points. I've made excellent food decisions today:

• breakfast: cranberry & flaxseed oatmeal, a pear
• lunch: 1oz of sharp cheddar with 10 triscuits
• afternoon snack: tea latte
• dinner: romaine salad w/ shredded mozzarella cheese and some homemade ranch dressing, Progresso loaded potato soup
• evening snack: 1 square of dark chocolate

Tonight I've finally started to feel like a normal person again. My congestion is almost completely cleared up, I've coughed very little, I'm no longer running fever, and I feel like I may have finally gotten enough rest and sleep. I'll return to work tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but maybe in returning to work I'll be able to get back into a good gym routine. I'm supposed to go to the movies tomorrow night, so I haven't quite decided whether or not I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I think maybe I'll wait for Friday. This will also give me one more day to make sure I'm not still harboring this virus from hell somewhere inside of me. 

Can I just say - one thing I'm really looking forward to tomorrow is getting some Subway for lunch. lol. I feel like that's so silly. But I'm starving for it! I guess better to be craving Subway than McDonalds, right? 

Letters from the Sick Ward

Well, it's been a rough week and a half, I'll tell you what!

7 days into February and not a single day in the gym thanks to the virus-from-hell. What started as this weird, feverish, body-achy, sore throaty sort of thing then quickly morphed into this chest-cold-ish bronchitis deliciousness coupled with a little bit o' sinus infection. I started on antibiotics and thought I was getting better. The weekend was pretty "normal" health wise... and then yesterday at work I had chills and abdominal pains all day.. only to come home and realize I was running a 101 fever. VIRUS FROM HELL. Mike informed me everyone in the office had this thing while I was out on maternity leave - his mom was sick for almost two weeks. Basically people kept coming into work while they were sick and leaving on their sickie GERMS everywhere... and then I caught them.

Gross.

I've been suuuuper good with my calories. I even decided to go ahead and re-up my Weight Watchers membership and see if I can get that to work for me this time around - woo! We'll see how it goes. So far, so good. But it's only been a week. I'm pretty stoked about it since I've finally mastered the "make better choices" idea. I did not break my calorie limits once last week. And even with the couple glasses of wine I had on Friday night I stayed within my limit. I'm pretty proud of that. Saturday I had to tap in into my flex points during my date night with Mike, but that's okay. I HAD the flex points to use! Now if I could just start planning my evening meals in advance... that might be a goal to keep in mind for March.

I did finally take some "before" pictures for the blog the last time I was at the gym. They aren't the usual sports-bra and booty shorts photos that let everything hang out in all its fatty glory to shame one into sticking to their diet and exercise plan... but I think they will serve their purpose nonetheless. Look for them to pop up in the sidebar.

I'm really pissed off I haven't been able to exercise. I feel like I'm just wasting all this time and that I'm never going to be able to get into a good exercise routine! I know that's kind of an overreaction, but we are already over a month into the year and I'm stuck at home on the couch with this ridiculous sickness.

I also need to be better about blogging. I have not been consistent with my updates at all. I'm sorry about that, readers. Sick or not, that's something I can definitely be better about.

New goals

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - last week was a little crazy, going back to work and all. I only made it to the gym one day... but I did an hour of dance one day, and then on Saturday took a 3 mile walk with James and even "raced" some of that 3 miles.. oh, 6 yr old energy. Sunday afternoon I started feeling kind of run down, and by bedtime I was sick as a dog. Here we are on Tuesday, and I'm still sick. :(  It stinks so bad. I was really looking forward to hitting the gym more than once this week and trying to get back into a good routine. :-\   I've been very careful about my calorie intake since I can't exercise right now, though. And I'm really looking forward to working out again at the end of this week, and hopefully getting into a better routine next week. Mike has been super supportive with my going to the gym, too! So that is going to make things so much easier.

I weighed myself this morning - and I have lost 2lbs (putting me at 214)! lol  It's not much, but it's something. I'm on my way. And I'm finally getting my calories under control - with the exception of this past Saturday (I broke the 3,500 mark! I basically ate a pound onto myself, yuck!). But there will be none of that moving forward!!

According to this awesome, handy-dandy little tool on WebMD's website (Diet Evaluator) I should be able to meet my goal weight in 36 weeks like my REAL goal weight... My "I'm a sexy bitch" goal weight... And that ultimate goal weight is 160lbs. And thanks to this hand-dandy tool it looks like if I do what I actually plan to do this is totally realistic. It's going to be so worth the hard work I'm going to put into this effort. I'm so ready for my outside image to match the me I see in my head.

Since my goal weight is 160lbs, that means I have 54lbs to lose from where I am today. I'd like to get close to this goal, if not actually reach it, by October of this year. In order to keep myself on track, I want to set small goals for myself over the next 8-9 months. Therefore:

• Goal weight by March 1st: 210lbs
• retake measurements 

I feel like this is a very realistic goal. February is a shorter month, but if I can keep my eating in check like I have been easing back into and get back in the gym 3-4 times a week like I'd really like to, there's no reason I can't meet this goal or even exceed it. 

When I started blogging again at the beginning of this month I know I made a big deal about "waist not weight". It's one of my little positive affirmation dealies that I have listed in my little right-hand menu area. Because I've never really consistently tracked my measurements while attempting to lose weight, I'm not really sure what a realistic "shrinkage" goal is - half an inch in a month? a quarter inch? So right now I'm marking my goals by pounds lost. I plan to retake my measurements today or tomorrow (Feb 1st), to compare to my initial measurements taken January 1st. Since I feel like I didn't really start my weight-loss "plan" until about a week or so ago, I'm not expecting to see much, if any, difference in my measurements. Let's face it - a 2 pound loss in a month is not really a big deal. Considering I haven't really significantly changed my habits, I'm pretty happy with it. But with the habit changes firmly in place, I will definitely expect some better results for the month of February. I'm hoping by comparing my inches lost from February 1st to March 1st I can get a good idea of what to expect of myself moving forward and can set "shrinkage" goals as well as actual weight loss goals - therefore sticking more firmly to my Waist Not Weight mantra. 

To address my January goals - I'm back to drinking soda only once or twice a week (if that), I did manage to sugar detox but without really purposely doing so (whatever works right?), and I'm back to drinking my nearly-a-gallon of water a day. I would say I was pretty successful! 

Goals for February:

• Gym it at least 3 times a week
• Keep calories at 2100 or less on gym days
• Keep calories at 1800 or less on non-gym days
• Lose 4lbs
• Post "before" pictures

Every little bit counts.. right?

Sorry I have been pretty bad about posting the last week or so... baby Nolan has moved into a "I'm not ever happy in the afternoons or evenings" phase, and these are usually the times when I get the motivation and sit down and bang out a blog post.

So I haven't been tracking calories at all for going on about 2 weeks now. There's no excuse other than I just can't remember to do it. And when I do remember to log in.. I can't remember what I've eaten. Oh mommy brain... please, please go away.

One morning last week I did about 2 mins worth of modified plank, and a couple sets of boat pose... for those of you that aren't familiar, these are two of the best yoga poses to strengthen your lower abdominal muscles. Y'know... those muscles that are currently moonlighting as my "mommy pouch", also known as "we keep you from fitting into your old pants without being incredibly uncomfortable". One morning a week ain't gonna cut it though... I'm well aware.

This little voice in me somewhere keeps saying, "Do one of your billion of yoga DVDs when the baby takes one of his daytime naps." and then another little voice says, "Yes! That is a brilliant idea! We love it!", and then my depression says, "Fuck that shit. Yoga during nap times can kiss my big fat ass. SLEEP and/or CRY during daytime naps only." Unfortunately depression keeps winning because he's a big bully that is sometimes hard to control.

So I think it's time I come out with something.. I've been in counseling since August. Just typing that still feels like I'm sharing something that I'm not proud of and that isn't anyone's business. Which, in turn, makes me feel like a hypocrite because I believe that EVERYONE can benefit from talk therapy and have encouraged sooo many friends to seek out counseling for their own problems... but I for some reason still feel like admitting that I'm seeing a counselor is somehow admitting that I fail at my life. I logically understand that that is a really irrational thing to think and/or feel, but it's still there a little bit.

I wanted to get that out there, so you readers know that I'm currently in treatment for my depression, and so you needn't worry that I'm just flailing wildly in the throes of self pity. There are days.. but mostly things are good, and I definitely owe that to seeking out counseling.

So there's that.

Speaking of depression... I start work again this Monday. I'm terrified not only of being buried in 2 months of work, but also (and more so) of being away from Nolan all day almost every day. On top of this, I did finally renew my gym membership and starting this week I'd like to get my big butt back in there and shed some of these extra 40lbs I'm toting around. My good friend is getting married in October and I'm in the wedding party - I'd like to be able to order my bridesmaid dress in a 14 instead of a 20. I don't think that's too much to ask of myself over the course of the next 10 months. The first step to accomplishing that goal is getting back into a workout routine... but part of me feels like that's just more time away from my littlest kiddo. There's another terrible voice in my head that likes to repeat this mantra, "There will always be time to lose the weight later." NO! NO THERE WON'T BE, VOICE! YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

I just know that, much like 2010, all of a sudden June will roll around and I will still be fat.. not only will I still be fat, but there's a very distinct possibility that I'll be even FATTER. No bueno, folks.

Okay, the name of this post... not only does that refer to exercise, but it needs to also refer to eating. And I have been much better about my food choices since my last post. Much less sugar. Although I have not officially sugar detoxed, I have noticed my cravings for sweets diminishing quite a bit. I've almost completely kicked my soda habit as well... although I may owe that to my ability to drink beer again lol.

All in all I feel like I'm slowly getting back on track to where I was before getting pregnant (and consequently being nauseated all the time), and I have faith that within the next month I will be back on a regular workout routine. That will be my biggest challenge. Knowing how I am, it will be so hard for me to not just try to jump right into my "normal" cardio/strength routines and I really just need to start from the very beginning as if I've never exercised before. That means for the first 2 months (at least), doing some low intensity cardio and starting my weight lifting at like.. 15lbs. Even though I was doing like 50-60lbs for most exercises and benching about 120... :-\

Positivity is the key!!

Mariah Carey, please die...

Has anyone noticed the ridiculous obnoxiousness that is the new Jenny Craig campaign? It's Mariah Carey being whore-ish and disgusting all over my tv all day long everyday. I hate it hate it hate it and if I ever thought I might be up for trying Jenny Craig, this campaign has completely ruined any chance of that ever happening. Ever. I just wanted to vent about that because I hate it SO MUCH.

Also, most of my regular readers know I did Weight Watchers online around this time last year... I've been considering re-upping my online membership, but I didn't really do so hot with it the first time around so I'm not sure I want to spend the money. Also also... their new commercial campaign makes me want to stab myself in the eyes and ears with a fork as well and it sort of makes me want to avoid giving them any of my money. -.-

My eating has been really yo-yo-ing lately and I'm sure it's destroying what little metabolism I have left. My calorie intake has been fluctuating like crazy... goes a little something like this: 1'866, 1'286, 2'091, 900, 3'000, 1745.... hmm. Also: 3'000 CALORIES!!! WHAT. THE. EFF. Not okay. Especially since I am not exercising at all. I know, I know. It's no bueno. ...okay, okay, I did dance it up on the Wii while the baby was napping... which was super fun even by myself. And what's sad is I already feel a little sore from this. #howfarIhavefallen

...yes, I just hashtagged in my blog...

So speaking of eating... I seem to have lost all willpower to avoid sweets. I have become a sugar addict all over again. And each evening around this time (dinner time), I think to myself, "Self, tomorrow you should have some plain oatmeal with stevia and a fruit smoothie with whey protein for breakfast... it's sweet, but at least it's natural sugar and not high-fructose corn syrup sugar.." and then I think, "Why, yes, Self! What a brilliant idea! What an awesome person you are for thinking such wonderful things!" and then I wake up the next day and I stumble into the kitchen after a night of dealing with baby things and I see the Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds calling my name.. and I eat a gigantic bowl of them... and sometimes go back for seconds... and sometimes I have that for lunch too... or perhaps I'll switch it up by having some cinnamon toast crunch, or perhaps some Life! You get the gist...

So yes. I need to just man-up and sugar detox in a bad bad way on top of getting some exercise in my life.

A little bit of honesty

Well, I have to be honest with you guys - I did not go and renew my gym membership today. Sometimes accomplishing things with a baby in tow isn't as easy as you think it will be when you picture them in your head.

I DID go to the doctor today, though, and I did get the okay to start exercising normally again. I was also told I have a "really little uterus"... whatever that means lol. I guess my innards do an excellent job of bouncing back from child carrying and childbearing. I wish my outsides would hop on the bandwagon! I also got... BIRTH CONTROL!! I can't even tell you how happy that makes me! No more babies for me, thank you. Just going back on the pill for now. My skin will thank me. It got so bad after going off the pill and was pretty terrible during most of my pregnancy until the very end.

I read a blog post and a really interesting article/interview today. I will share those links right now:
The Great Fitness Experiment - Flat Abs Myth
Why Women Need Fat

I have both the books mentioned in the blog post in my Amazon cart currently. I may check to see if they have them at the library first. I'm very interested in looking into this further! I've always felt like BMI was a total crock... Anyone watch Rachel vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-off Challenge? Well, if you do you have probably noticed Miss USA Alyssa Capanella... she is just short of 5'9" and weighs... wait for it.. 118lbs. It's disgusting. To me, she literally looks like a concentration camp victim. I can't find a picture from the show to post.. but trust me. She has certainly lost weight since winning the Miss USA title. The pictures from the pageant - she's thin, but she certainly isn't sickly looking. According to a BMI calculator she is within "normal" range, at a BMI of 18. Also the fact that most professional athletes fall into the "obese" range just makes it totally obvious to me that BMI is a crap way of measuring healthy body weight.

In other news, I did much better with my eating today. Oatmeal, fiber one bar, a turkey sandwich on a bagel, triscuits and cheese, carrots and celery with some ranch dip, and I believe I exceeded my goal of 64oz of water for the day. I also avoided soda! Win! I did drink a couple beers tonight, but after nearly a year of no alcohol I'm not totally giving up my beer and wine any time soon. I am, however, avoiding liquor. I had strange reactions to liquor after James was born. For those of you that aren't aware - your body chemistry completely changes during and after pregnancy and for me that manifested in bizarre reactions to liquor.. so I'm not pushing my luck this time around.

I think my main focus for this month should be getting my poor eating habits in check. Especially since it's I can't jump right in to hardcore exercise right away - I think it will do my body a world of good to feed it healthy, whole foods as much as I can while I start incorporating some low intensity cardio back into the mix. I need to sit down and put together a plan to work myself back up to my regular cardio/weight routine over the next couple months. I'm think by March or at least April there's not reason I shouldn't be almost completely back up to speed.

Hope you all had a great day and are enjoying what we've had of the new year so far - more later!

Mommy Guilt

Warning: for you dude readers out there, I'm about to wax philosophical on breast-feeding and other new mom stuff. so just FYI. 


So let me just say that quitting breast-feeding SUCKS. My boobs hurt like whoa. My mommy guilt is in full swing, and I'm just kind of all around miserable. Not only do I have all the general feeling bad about not offering my baby what's "best" for him because I hated it and it made me want to die a little bit, but I feel like I'm basically ditching the easiest "diet" on the planet because of selfishness. But I have a feeling that breast-feeding wasn't going to be the magical weight-loss machine for me like it is for others anyway.. so I'm trying to just let it all go. And let go the fact that I'm pretty sure Nolan is now developing a milk allergy (most regular formula is milk-based, for those of you that don't know).. and so I've got even MORE mommy guilt over switching to formula because of that. It will all work out, I know. Right now with my boobs wanting to explode and my infant super fussy and gassy and angry all the time it just feels like things will never be "normal" again.

Tomorrow is the Big Day - I go for my postpartum appointment and should be getting the go-ahead to return to normal exercise and resume intimate activities if I so choose.. also BIRTH CONTROL!! YAY!!! That will also help my milk dry up faster which will be super great.

I've been thinking a lot about the goals I want to set for myself. I'm trying to decide what I want to do about calorie counting especially. I've been tracking my food since the 1st, and currently have my daily intake set at 1600 - although I'm not really stuck on that. That's just what it says I need to be at in order to lose a pound a week. One of my goals is definitely going to be finishing Dr. Oz's YOU: On a Diet book that I started reading in July or August and then abandoned a couple weeks later. I also really need to sugar detox. In fact that should probably be my number 1 goal for this month more than anything else - even getting back in the gym. I haven't been a soda drinker since I was probably 16 or 17, and lately I'm almost as addicted as Mike. I've gone from having maybe one soda a week to having at least one a day. It's terrible! Plus I've gone from drinking a gallon of water a day, to drinking almost no water... terrible terrible. Okay.. so here's what I'll start with:

1. Sugar detox by the end of January
2. Cut soda back to 3x's a week effective immediately (this will obviously kind of coincide with sugar detoxing, but I can start this before a full-out sugar detox)
3. Drink at least 64oz of water a day effective immediately

Other things I should toss around is eating at least one piece of fruit a day, and at least one vegetable. Oh, how far my eating habits have fallen. It's really bad. I was regularly eating my "Strive for Five" and then some everyday this time last year. That 3 months of morning sickness really killed me. My fridge has also decided to freeze everything that goes in it's vegetables drawer so I really need to figure out what is up with that so that I can start keeping vegetables in there without them getting ruined by freezing/thawing! Lettuce gets totally destroyed by that...

So, hopefully in the next couple days I'll have a more definitive list of goals for the month. 

Begin Again

It is now 2012. I now have a newborn baby. I now have gained back all the weight I had lost prior to pregnancy and then-some. I now begin my weight-loss journey again. At this moment I have a renewed exuberance for getting healthy... and by healthy, I really mean skinny but by healthy means.

2012 has to be about being honest with myself. My success was limited before by my tendency to let myself slide. I would underestimate my calorie intake and overestimate my fitness/activity level. I'm sure this didn't impress anyone, nor did it do anything for getting me to my weight-loss goal. This year I have to hold myself accountable, and by being 100% honest in my blogging about my progress I'm hoping I can do a better job of that.

My number one priority for improving my health in 2012 is continual education when it comes to my body, the foods that are good for it, and the exercise necessary to keep it strong. I shall become a devourer of fitness/health/diet information.

My second priority is to not be so hard on myself. I must constantly remind myself that it took me 9 months to gain this weight, and it will take me 9-12 months to lose it. I will not magically get myself down to 160lbs in 3-4 months, nor should I expect to be able to. To lose such a large amount of weight in such a short amount of time would be incredibly unhealthy, and I need to recognize that.

My third priority is to focus on "waist not weight". Although I will weigh myself weekly as part of staying accountable - my main course for tracking my success should be in inches lost, not the number on the scale as this can sometimes be deceptive.


Now to lay it all out... my fluctuation since starting this blog:

September 2010:

• Weight: 205lbs (I had a really crappy scale, so I think this number was probably closer to 210 or 212)
• chest: 41"
• waist: 37"
• hips: 47"
• thighs: 27.5"
• biceps flexing: 13.5"

 February 2011 (official pre-pregnancy weight/measurements):

• weight: 197lbs
• chest: 39"
• waist: 34"
• hips: 45"
• thighs: 26"
• biceps flexing: 13"

January 2012 (official post-pregnancy weight/measurements):

• weight: 216lbs
• chest: 43"
• waist: 37"
• hips: 48.5"
• thighs: 28"
• biceps flexing: 13"

So there it is. I'm thinking about posting some "before" pictures as well, just to keep things in perspective for myself. Looking at purely measurements, I'm not really much bigger today than I was in Sept of 2010, but I surely feel much larger. When I look at pictures from then I feel like I looked quite a bit slimmer than I do now... the other tell-tale sign: none of those clothes from late 2010 fit anymore. That's a BIG sign that regardless of what the inches say, I'm carrying my weight much differently today. 

I go for my postpartum check-up on Wednesday, and am hoping to go from there straight to the gym to renew my membership and get a workout in. I need to take it slowly, which is going to kill me... my gut reaction on how to workout after taking an extended hiatus is always to kick my own ass as hard as I can. This is not an acceptable option when you've just had a baby a month ago. My core muscles have some of that natural separation and I need to be really careful using those muscles in all my movement while exercising, otherwise that separation could get worse and completely derail my workouts for months to come. 

I'll be starting with 20-30 minutes of low-intensity cardio and light weights. I need to resign myself now to the fact that this is probably all I should attempt until mid-to-late February. That's going to take some serious mental effort!

A Year in Review

Today marks one year since I started this blog. After reading over some of my early posts, I realize I've come a long way and back again. Not sure how I feel about the "back again" part, but some of those things I was hoping for my body are now out of my control.. what with being pregnant and all. The baby kind of decides what happens from here lol.

I'm quite a bit heavier today than I was a year ago. I guess that's kind of stating the obvious. I'm sure almost all of my measurements are larger than they were then. I've packed on quite a bit of weight aside form just the "baby" weight. I have not been good about keeping my blog updated at all, either. Some days I feel pretty awful about that and other days I feel like it doesn't really matter since I can't really obsess over body image right now. I'm trying to make healthy decisions, pregnant or not, but I definitely have my moments where all I want is a fricken brownie - and therefore brownies (and ice cream, and milkshakes, and cheese fries, and pizza...) happen and happen often.

I'm already devising my plan for attaining that illusive "skinny" (or even "slender" at this point) after I am not longer host to my perfect little parasite.

I started reading Dr. Oz's YOU: On A Diet. I'm about a quarter of the way through it and then got distracted by life... I also was starting to feel pretty depressed about not being able to put my plan into action yet. I'm excited to get back to it. One of the small steps I'm trying to take right now is cooking every night. I'm nowhere close to it yet, but I'm going to try to start planning menus in advance like I used to do way back in the day. I feel like even this is a huge task to take on since my third trimester exhaustion is kicking in full force.

Another thing I want to focus on in the next year is "teaching" my family how to eat better. My skinny skinny little kiddo has started packing on the chub. I'm hoping/thinking this may be storage for a giant growth spurt that's about to happen... but there's no reason I should be feeding him processed crap for dinner every night of the week. He's old enough now that when I do cook he's pretty good about trying new things and has even realized he likes some of the "healthier" things. We do pretty well for breakfast and lunch... it's just the dinner issue. Things like mac'n'cheese, fishsticks, chicken nuggets, hot dogs... terrible terrible.

I'm kind of all over the place with this post. I have a hard time focusing on things lately - another reason why I don't post very often.

My baby is due around Thanksgiving... so sometime around the New Year you should expect to start seeing more regular updates!

Sometimes I really feel this way...

via www.postsecret.com

A grand return! (Hopefully...)

Wow. Talk about slacking on my blog updating. I'm so awesome.

Okay, so since my last post almost a MONTH AGO... I've had a couple of doctor's appointments.. one where I was told I've already gained too much weight (16lbs by week 19, they wanted be to gain 15lbs or less for the entire 40 weeks -- I'm currently at 215lbs) and I was then told to look into the South Beach Diet in order to maintain my weight through the remainder of my pregnancy (I'll elaborate more on this in a moment).. the second we got a comprehensive "anatomy" ultrasound and found out: WE'RE HAVING A BOY! :)

No name picked out yet. It's been a bit of a struggle.

So let's get back to the first doc appointment - the one where I was told I'm super overweight and that I'm basically guaranteeing myself a difficult 3rd trimester if I keep at the pace I'm currently going. The bout of depression sparked from this was a little intense. I'm not entirely sure I'm out of it yet. It's made me want to eat lots of junk food, which of course just would make me feel even MORE depressed. The last 2 weeks has definitely been a struggle and I'm trying really hard not to completely obsess over food and food intake to an unhealthy degree. I think there are days where I definitely have NOT succeeded in keeping my mental health regarding food and my weight.

I can't even accurately put into words my shock at being told to follow the South Beach Diet for the remainder of my pregnancy - thinking that the South Beach Diet was just another Atkins or Zone diet and why the hell would I want to cut out all fruits and veggies from my diet in favor for massive amounts of meat and cheese? I thought South Beach was your run of the mill no-carb/low-carb diet. But after a couple days of beating myself up for being a fatty, I decided to look into it... turns out South Beach is much closer to the "whole food" diets currently being preached such fitness/health celebrities as Jackie Warner and Dr. Oz. I picked up a paperback copy of the book at my local Borders for $7 and have really enjoyed reading it. The man who developed the diet, Dr. Agatston, is a cardiologist and developed the plan to help his patients who were struggling with controlling not only their weight, but their pre-diabetic and diabetic symptoms on the American Heart Associations high-carb low-fat diet. I haven't finished reading the book yet, but so far I'm quite impressed with all the medical background and information provided on how what you eat effects your body -- most specifically your blood chemistry which is responsible for keeping your entire body running smoothly and efficiently. I think this might be something I can actually do and stick with, and might enjoy in the process.

The only negative thing I have to say about it so far is the encouragement to use artificial sweeteners, which I'm SUPER against unless you're going for something derived from natural sources such as stevia. Once I finish the book, and if I decide to give this lifestyle a try, I'll be tweaking things a bit to get rid of any saccharin/aspartame/sucralose use suggested. I think I'd like to read Dr. Roizen and Dr. Oz's YOU: On a Diet before committing to South Beach, though.

Some of the other things going on with me: I keep thinking I should really get back into my gym routine. I've been doing a lot of reading about fitness during pregnancy, and it sounds like it would be perfectly fine for me to do my usual weight training as long as I make sure to not push myself to extremes, and also lighten up my weight just a little bit. I feel like I at least need to commit to 20 mins of cardio every day weather it's at the gym or just walking around my neighborhood.

Now for the fun stuff - Mike and I are VERY EXCITED that we are having another boy! :)  This weekend we are going to work toward getting the guest room cleaned out to turn it into the nursery. I think that will really make me feel better about everything going on with me right now - getting things cleaned and organized, and next weekend hopefully getting some painting done will make me feel like I'm accomplishing things and being productive.

So there is a brief overview of what's been going on with me! I'm going to really work on being better about updating - try and hold me to it!

This Weekend

Well, I already told you guys I didn't count calories on Friday.. and then had this brilliant idea so go and ahead and calculate them "just to see"... yes, well, I stopped when I got to 3'000 by lunch... eesh. I'm just going to try to forget about that. MOVING ON!

Saturday I did awesome, even with dinner out. And yesterday was a win until I decided to eat half a pint of Ben & Jerry's while watching the True Blood premiere (AHHH!! LOVE IT!).. but now that ice cream is gone and I don't have to worry about that anymore lol. On to the stats..

Sat. 6/25:

• net calories: 2,072
• breakfast: quaker Oh's with milk
• am/pm snacks: nectarine, Jell-O strawberry cheesecake pudding thing, a normal serving of ice cream
• lunch: deli chicken sandwich w/ chips
• dinner: steak fajitas w/o tortillas, some chips and salsa/queso
• no exercise - BOOOOO
• 1am bedtime - also BOOOOO

Sun. 6/26:

• net calories: 2,625 - ugh, that hurts to look at a little bit...
• breakfast: Wegman's version of cinnamon toast crunch w/ milk
• am/pm snacks: nectarine, bowl of "Fall Harvest" cereal (lots of dried fruit and whole grain), WAY TOO MUCH ICE CREAM
• lunch: same as Saturday
• dinner: a tiny portion of velveeta shells and cheese
• no exercise - I was so lazy yesterday..
• 11pm bedtime

I just can NOT get back on this whole exercise bandwagon. Morning sickness killed my fitness routine and I am having a super hard time motivating because honestly my inner-monologue goes something like this, "I should exercise. But I'm tired. And my feet kind of hurt. And even if I do exercise it's not going to help anything because I'm still fat and I'm just going to get fatter.. so maybe I should just do my lunch walks when it's not too hot and I feel like it and call it a day. *looks in the mirror* My arms are SO FLABBY... gross. SO MUCH FLAB. Super gross. I should do my preggo ab stuff.. but I'm tired. And I'm still gonna be flabby and fat because I can't REALLY workout to the intensity I would like to be anyway.. I'm just going to get fatter. I'll just focus on my calories and leave the exercise for after the baby comes." and so on and so on and so forth... more self-loathing, more excuse, more everything. I really really do just feel like it's hopeless to really focus on any kind of regular exercise right now because I'm going to see NO results... and it's not even the usual, "Oh, I can't really expect to see any results for 4-6 weeks." it's "YOU WILL NEVER SEE RESULTS UNTIL NEXT FEBRUARY WHEN YOU CAN START DOING CARDIO AND LIFTING WEIGHTS AGAIN." and that makes me sooooooo depressed.. and then I get all depressed about having not worked harder BEFORE I got pregnant and then I hate on myself on that for a day or two.. and then I'll have one day where I feel really motivated and I'll go walk for like 2 miles and then it just starts all over again. It's poop. I really worry I'm going to get hit hard with postpartum depression over my body image and it's going to make me totally crazy for like 6 months. 

Three day update!

I was swamped at work all day thursday and then was completely exhausted by the time I got home... I've gotten into a bad habit of staying up way later than I probably should just because my body is no longer FORCING me to go to bed at like 9:30pm every night. I wanted to go to bed early thursday night... but the trash tv sucked me in until about midnight. Last night I went out for a bit for ladies night with some of my friends and actually did manage to get home about 11:30 and go straight to bed. Definitely slept in this morning and I think I'm probably seeing a nap in my future too.

I've done pretty well with my eating the last until yesterday, when I didn't count calories and ate tons of garbage, so here are some stats for you!

Weds. 6/22:

• net calories: 1,566 - this was probably waaaay too few. I had some time management problems and it effected what I had time to eat BIG TIME so I kind of just.. didn't really eat. What I DID eat was healthy stuff though, so that's good!
• breakfast: oatmeal
• am/pm snacks: nectarine, blueberries, a couple mini tootsie rolls, some whole grain crackers, apples w/ peanut butter, yoplait frozen smoothie
• lunch: rotisserie chicken sandwich with some chips, a cookie, and a cup of juice
• dinner: a small salad with homemade balsalmic vinagrette, a bowl of cereal
• 35 minute walk on hilly terrain at a brisk pace - yay! 
• 12am bedtime

Thurs. 6/23:

• net calories: 2,144 - I definitely let the chocolate sitting around the office break my temptation
• breakfast: oatmeal
• am/pm snacks: apples w/ peanut butter, 3 or 4 hershey's dark chocolate nuggets, iced venti chai, fiber one bar
• lunch: 5 Guys little cheeseburger w/ a handful of fries
• dinner: GIANT balsalmic salad w/ a black bean quesadilla (SO GOOD)
• no exercise
• another late bedtime, I can't remember what time though

Well, like I said I didn't really count calories yesterday, but I had CiCi's pizza for lunch with soda and a happy meal for dinner, and then some crab dip at ladies night which was made with cream cheese and served with BUTTERED GARLIC BREAD... that was probably my whole day of calories on it's own lol. Also with all that sodium intake and being out in the heat, my feet and ankles were HELLA swollen when I got home. They seem to have gone back down to normal now.. but that was a little scary to see your toes little miniature compared to the size of your foot body and ankles. Yuck.  Ah, the joys of pregnancy.

Dang Quesadillas

That was the AMAZING vegetarian quesadilla I made myself for dinner last night!!!

So I was craving some mexican pretty hard core last night... I realized I had tortillas, beans and cheese.. so I came up with a vegetarian quesadilla for myself -and here is the recipe for all of you:

Dang Vegetarian Quesadilla

• 1 eight inch whole wheat/whole grain tortilla (I used a brand called Wrap-Itz)
• 1/2 or 1 cup of black beans
• 1 or 2 sliced mini sweet peppers
• 1/4 or less of an onion, sliced
• 1/4 cup of shredded cheese (I used a mexican blend)
• 1 tbsp vegan butter (super high in omega-3s, which is why I use it for a lot of my cooking in place of regular butter)
• 2 tbsp of sour cream
• Dash of cumin
• Dash of cheyenne pepper

Heat black beans in a small pot with a dash of cumin and cheyenne. In a small skillet melt 1/2 tbsp of vegan butter and saute onion/pepper with a dash of cumin and cheyenne - saute about 2 minutes on medium to medium-high heat. Spread the other 1/2 tbsp of vegan butter on one side of the tortilla. Remove cooked onion/pepper to a plate. Place your tortilla buttered side down in your skillet on medium heat. Sprinkle half of your cheese on the tortilla, add your warmed black beans (I used a slatted spoon to avoid making my tortilla soggy), top the beans with your cooked onion/pepper and top all ingredients with the remaining cheese. Fold your tortilla in half and cook evenly on both sides until outside appears "crunchy". Slice with a pizza cutter and serve with sour cream! SUPER YUMMY!!

Nutritional Info (w/o sour cream):
Calories: 372
Fat: 12g
Sodium: 911mg (if you use reduced sodium beans this will prob be cut in half)
Carbs: 47g
Fiber: 11g
Protein: 18g


Pretty darn healthy if you ask me.. just don't do what I did and eat two... lol

Stats for 6/21:

• net calories: 2,113 - I'm totally okay with this because I ate ALL whole foods yesterday with the exception of a serving of kettle chips with lunch and a fiber one granola bar. 
• breakfast: oatmeal 
• am/pm snacks: apples w/ peanut butter, fiber one bar, nectarine, blueberries, raw almonds
• lunch: turkey sandwich w/ kettle chips and some juice
• dinner: small salad w/ homemade balsalmic vinagrette, 2 veggie quesadillas w/ sour cream
• no exercise (boo)
• 10:30pm lights out (thank goodness!)

Tonight I'm going walking with my friend Andrea, I'm pretty excited about that! However I'm NOT excited about having no workout pants that fit... I even went and bought some XXLs from Target yesterday... too tight... uggggghhh.. that made me feel AWESOME. I have to return that stuff this afternoon... along with the bras that have no hope of fitting... so depressing. I'm ready to be done already, thank you! lol

Bonus picture of my baby bump!

17 weeks - almost halfway there!

FML

"Epic Fail" is not even close to what yesterday was for me.. it was like the day that destroyed my life when it comes to eating. I definitely hit a point during the afternoon where I mentally said "fuck it" and just indulged knowing full well it wouldn't help me and wouldn't make me happy. 

Let's just start with stats and I'll elaborate from there...

Mon. 6/20:

• net calories: 2'500
• breakfast: oatmeal, 3 dunkin donuts munchkins
• am/pm snacks: apples w/ peanut butter, nectarine, blueberries, raw almonds, bagel w/ cream cheese, sugar cookie
• lunch: 7-layer burrito and crunchy taco from Taco Bell... I didn't even order the taco, they just ended up giving it to me.. I could have given it to Mike or just not eaten it... it was NOT good. The 7-layer burrito was delicious... and just that would have been okay, but that extra yucky taco was the beginning of me screwing myself.
• dinner: 2 slices of leftover ham pizza.. should have eaten a salad after my lunch splurge, but this was the mental "fuck it" I was talking about.
• 25 minute walk - thank GOD I at least got SOME exercise in
• bedtime.. way later than I wanted it to be. SOMEONE decided they needed to watch tv in the bedroom until 12am.. (NOT ME)

I just look at my food log and think "So much for watching my carb intake.." but the scale this morning says I haven't gained anything. I hope it stays that way, and that the days of being really GOOD about my calorie intake will pay off. As well as my efforts to get some regular exercise in. I also did some ab exercises last night (certified preggo safe ab exercises!) because by the end of the day yesterday my stomach muscles felt so strained it was all I could do to sit up. That's definitely not good. It was really uncomfortable and I don't want to feel that way every day with it just getting worse the bigger my belly gets. 

Speaking of exercise... I really need to get to Target and get some bigger workout pants, and some just regular maternity t-shirts.. none of my workout pants fit anymore. It's no bueno.