I weighed in on Friday after my first full week on Weight Watchers. I've lost nothing. I stayed within my points target and well below my "flex" points for the week. Logically I know that being sick and barely eating for almost a week probably had something to do with it. And especially the fact that I spent most of that sick-week either in bed or on the sofa and had no physical exertion whatsoever. I know these things. I also know that my body does not respond well to dieting alone. My body requires that I exercise in some way, shape, or form (no matter how small) in order to kick into weight loss mode. I started to panic yesterday that it would be impossible for me to meet my 4lb loss goal for February. Tonight I started that horrible inner monologue of "why even try when you're not going to be able to do it anyway?"
What is THAT all about?
I guess a large part of me is feeling like I let myself get away with too much the first time I started this adventure. I don't want to allow myself to be lazy this time. The math doesn't lie - and the math tells me that if I can stick to these two simple things: a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise 3-4 times a week - then I absolutely can reach my ultimate goal weight by the end of this year. 3 weeks ago that was incredibly motivating for me. 3 weeks ago I believed in myself more than I ever have before. THAT is the difference between September 2010 and January 2012. I know, if I'm honest with myself, that when I set out to lose weight in September 2010 I didn't believe I really could do it. Sure, I thought, I could lose maybe 10 or 15lbs. I could get back down to 180. Maybe. I kept telling myself and others, "I've had a child. Let's face it, my body is different. I'll never be 160 again." I was blatantly ignoring the fact that I had gotten back down to 170 for my wedding just 2 years before. Had I kept up with my gym habits after the wedding, I could have been at 160 by Christmas of 2008. Then come January 2012 - just a little over a month after having a second child - I was telling myself, "You can do this and you can do this now. You can accomplish this within the year." So where is this negativity coming from? I feel as if I've never let the scale dictate my mood or motivation before. My clothes are fitting much much better than they were even just a week ago. I understand part of this is my hips, rib cage, etc. shrinking back down to their normal size -- but who cares?! I can comfortably fit into those 18's! A month ago a 20 was snug!
Writing this now is making me feel a lot better. But I'm realizing that my biggest enemy and my biggest obstacle over the next 9-12 months is going to be myself. There is a mean girl that lives inside my head and she wants me to be fat and stay complacent just so she can say, "I told you so. I knew you couldn't do it."
While I was home sick earlier in the week, I caught an episode of Dr. Oz where they spoke to a panel of women who were purposely keeping themselves morbidly obese to cater to the Feederism community (google it). They had a psychologist on the show who specializes in overcoming emotional obstacles for weight loss, and the first question he said every person must ask themselves before attempting to lose weight is: Who told you you were worthless?
This really struck me. I thought it was excellent. If you think you're worthless than why would you want to work to try to lose weight to be healthy? Why would you think you deserved that health if you feel worthless?
Here was my thing... the only person I could really think of that had ever told me I was worthless was.. me. I don't know where it comes from (something I'm working towards figuring out in counseling), but it's definitely there. And that chick in the back of my head.. man, she is MEAN.
I'm hoping that by recognizing that I am my own worst enemy is a giant step in the right direction. I'm hoping to be able to curb that automatic negativity and focus on that positive feeling I had in January. I can be a weight loss success story. I just have to remind myself that not only CAN I be... but I WILL be. I've been thinking about writing positive notes to myself and leaving them posted around the house randomly. This might need to be a project for this week.
- Weight at 2/10/12: 214lbs
- Target points: 36 daily w/ 40 flex points for the week - 24 flex points remaining as of today (flex points reset on Fridays - weigh-in day)
- Goal for the week: hit the gym at least twice
I am in complete agreement. I am my worst enemy in the very same things. We need to have workout girls' night!
ReplyDelete