Goodbye, Old Friend

Bugsy
June 2000 - February 2012

This is my dog, Bugsy. We had to put him down on Saturday. He had a massive tumor in his abdomen that had displaced most of his organs and was crushing his intestines, along with some pretty severe internal bleeding and spleen damage from this tumor.

It is hard for me to describe how much I miss him already. He deteriorated quickly over the last week.. 3 days of that week he spent with me at my house, and I am incredibly thankful that I got to have that time with him. I realized he was becoming very ill very quickly, but I didn't think that when he went home Friday night, that I would be saying my final goodbye to him 18 hours later.

I was able to be there with him when he passed on, with my Dad. To be honest, I think Dad and I loved him the most. Part of me felt like I was betraying him by holding his head as the vet euthanized him. I just kept telling him he was a good boy and it was okay. What are you supposed to say? After, all I could do was say how sorry I was.. his head was wet with my tears. We sat and continued to pet him and talk to him long after he was gone. When he started to get cold, it was time to go... and even though I knew he wasn't there anymore - that spark that made him Bugsy, that made him MY dog, was gone - it was hard to walk out of that room and just leave him there. I couldn't help but think, "He won't understand why we are leaving. He hates being left at the vet." But that was just his body, not actually Bugsy. And he's in doggie heaven now, romping around with his friends and eating as many used napkins as he can get his mouth on.



So Saturday was obviously a pretty rough day. I cried pretty much the entire afternoon and into the evening. I ate a lot of junk food and drank a lot of beer. I didn't really count points yesterday or today. Today was better, but now that the kids are in bed and Mike's out for his Man Night, I'm missing my dog and getting really sad again. It's hitting me a lot harder than I expected it to. I'm not going to lie, part of me wants to go out and get a Golden Retriever puppy. But that is probably not the healthiest response - on top of the fact that I have no business buying a puppy when I have a baby to take care of and spend money on.

I need to grieve. And I guess I thought that losing a pet wouldn't be quite the same as losing a person... but he was a family member. He was our "damn dog". When James was a baby, Bugsy let that kid poke and punch him, pull his ears and tail and put his hands all up in his mouth. When James would cry, Bugsy would rush to him and look at us as if to say, "Hello?! He NEEDS you!! Take care of him!!" It is incredibly sad for me to think that Nolan will never remember Bugsy or have the chance to "torture" him as he moves into toddlerhood.

But back to the health/fitness updates... so, like I said, didn't really count points this weekend. I'm okay with that. I did go to the gym for an hour Saturday morning and that felt amazing! My friend Andrea just signed up for a 7 day pass for my gym and I'm really excited to have a buddy to go with this coming week.

I lost 0.6 pounds this week - not quite as good as last week, but I'm okay with it. A loss is a loss. My measurements have come down a bit as well. I know I said in my post last week that I would share those with you and, well, I plum forgot... so here they are now:

Measurements @ 2/18/12:

• Weight: 211lbs
• Chest: 42"
• Waist: 36" - 41" at bellybutton
• Hips: 47"
• Biceps: 13"
• Thighs: 27"

So, I've lost an inch off my chest, waist, and thighs so far, and an inch and a half off my hips. Not bad, I would say. I have one pound to lose this week to meet the goal I set for March 1st. I will do my actual weigh-in March 2nd, since that's my Weight Watchers weigh-in day. Hopefully I can REMEMBER this week and not have to put it off to Saturday. I hope my splurging this weekend won't set me back. Tomorrow I get back to my cleaner eating and back in the gym. I think being sure to keep up with my workouts will help with my grieving process as well. The better I feel physically, the easier it is for me to stay in a positive mental place. That is a fact for me. I just need to remind myself of it.