Every little bit counts.. right?

Sorry I have been pretty bad about posting the last week or so... baby Nolan has moved into a "I'm not ever happy in the afternoons or evenings" phase, and these are usually the times when I get the motivation and sit down and bang out a blog post.

So I haven't been tracking calories at all for going on about 2 weeks now. There's no excuse other than I just can't remember to do it. And when I do remember to log in.. I can't remember what I've eaten. Oh mommy brain... please, please go away.

One morning last week I did about 2 mins worth of modified plank, and a couple sets of boat pose... for those of you that aren't familiar, these are two of the best yoga poses to strengthen your lower abdominal muscles. Y'know... those muscles that are currently moonlighting as my "mommy pouch", also known as "we keep you from fitting into your old pants without being incredibly uncomfortable". One morning a week ain't gonna cut it though... I'm well aware.

This little voice in me somewhere keeps saying, "Do one of your billion of yoga DVDs when the baby takes one of his daytime naps." and then another little voice says, "Yes! That is a brilliant idea! We love it!", and then my depression says, "Fuck that shit. Yoga during nap times can kiss my big fat ass. SLEEP and/or CRY during daytime naps only." Unfortunately depression keeps winning because he's a big bully that is sometimes hard to control.

So I think it's time I come out with something.. I've been in counseling since August. Just typing that still feels like I'm sharing something that I'm not proud of and that isn't anyone's business. Which, in turn, makes me feel like a hypocrite because I believe that EVERYONE can benefit from talk therapy and have encouraged sooo many friends to seek out counseling for their own problems... but I for some reason still feel like admitting that I'm seeing a counselor is somehow admitting that I fail at my life. I logically understand that that is a really irrational thing to think and/or feel, but it's still there a little bit.

I wanted to get that out there, so you readers know that I'm currently in treatment for my depression, and so you needn't worry that I'm just flailing wildly in the throes of self pity. There are days.. but mostly things are good, and I definitely owe that to seeking out counseling.

So there's that.

Speaking of depression... I start work again this Monday. I'm terrified not only of being buried in 2 months of work, but also (and more so) of being away from Nolan all day almost every day. On top of this, I did finally renew my gym membership and starting this week I'd like to get my big butt back in there and shed some of these extra 40lbs I'm toting around. My good friend is getting married in October and I'm in the wedding party - I'd like to be able to order my bridesmaid dress in a 14 instead of a 20. I don't think that's too much to ask of myself over the course of the next 10 months. The first step to accomplishing that goal is getting back into a workout routine... but part of me feels like that's just more time away from my littlest kiddo. There's another terrible voice in my head that likes to repeat this mantra, "There will always be time to lose the weight later." NO! NO THERE WON'T BE, VOICE! YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

I just know that, much like 2010, all of a sudden June will roll around and I will still be fat.. not only will I still be fat, but there's a very distinct possibility that I'll be even FATTER. No bueno, folks.

Okay, the name of this post... not only does that refer to exercise, but it needs to also refer to eating. And I have been much better about my food choices since my last post. Much less sugar. Although I have not officially sugar detoxed, I have noticed my cravings for sweets diminishing quite a bit. I've almost completely kicked my soda habit as well... although I may owe that to my ability to drink beer again lol.

All in all I feel like I'm slowly getting back on track to where I was before getting pregnant (and consequently being nauseated all the time), and I have faith that within the next month I will be back on a regular workout routine. That will be my biggest challenge. Knowing how I am, it will be so hard for me to not just try to jump right into my "normal" cardio/strength routines and I really just need to start from the very beginning as if I've never exercised before. That means for the first 2 months (at least), doing some low intensity cardio and starting my weight lifting at like.. 15lbs. Even though I was doing like 50-60lbs for most exercises and benching about 120... :-\

Positivity is the key!!