A Quick Ramble

I know I keep saying I'm working on a real post.. and I am.. it's just taking some time. I'm feeling very ADD lately and can't seem to keep on track, plus work has been a living hell. I'm beginning to feel like I'll never be un-busy again... and while if it was just a constant stream of tasks that made the day go by faster, that would be one thing. But instead it's been constant high-stress that's making me feel like I'm drowning in wretchedness.

That being said, I've been reading The Primal Blueprint over the last couple weeks and last night I realized something: I have to stop.

I have to stop "educating" myself. Not permanently, but I need to take a break. I'm getting so stressed out about doing the "right" thing, and I'm losing touch with doing the right thing for me.

A little insight into what Primal Blueprint is: it's essentially Paleo, but with a little more flexibility. You are encouraged to eat lots of good fats and all types of proteins and enjoy fruits and vegetables as much as you wish. Dairy and alcohol are used in moderation. The idea is to keep carbs between 50 and 150 grams a day, but that none of these should come from processed grains/sugars. Basically: cut out grains and junk because they spike your insulin and make you feel icky as well as make your body a prime breeding ground for sickness and disease if you aren't careful.

This all makes total sense to me. Fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar makes you fat. I feel like this is a pretty well-known fact at this point. But while it all makes total sense to me... I'm realizing I'm maybe not ready to give up my grains and processed junk food. And I don't have to be. I don't have to give those things up. Maybe someday I will be there, but I almost feel like since I got it in my head to give this primal eating thing a "try", I've been craving carbs and junk more than ever. What good does that do me?! It just makes me miserable!! And it's causing me to have somewhat of a binge/purge mentality. "If I eat this pizza and this bagel and this sugar cereal.. that's okay.. as long as I go run 3 miles tonight."

NO NO NO. A thousand times NO! Eat the pizza, eat the bagel, eat the sugar cereal IF you're hungry for it. Go run 3 miles IF you want to run 3 miles... not because you have to because of the stupid carbs.

I gotta just stop. I might need to quit tracking totally for a while. I know I've said this probably 100 times over the last several months, but seriously. I think it's starting to make me crazy. And I think I'm starting to want to have this "control" over my body and my diet because everything else is feeling so chaotic, and that's just not healthy.

August 3rd will mark my one year anniversary of logging food and exercise every day. And while there have been a few days here and there where not everything has been logged, those were few and far between. Even when I supposedly "took a break" from logging to try to get a handle on my total mental illness over it all -- I was still logging. Once I meet this one-year milestone, I am going to stop logging. I don't know for how long. I may set a date. I may start with my upcoming mini-vacation to see family in Arkansas. I'll be gone for four days. Four days, even if it's filled with restaurant food and beer galore, is not going to ruin 18 months of work. It's just not. It's a start.

*raises a glass (of water)* TO RECLAMING MY MENTAL HEALTH!!

Real quick...

I know I owe you all a real post... and I've had one coming together in my head for several days now... but for the moment I'll just leave you with this:

(all photos taken 7/8/2013 (c) copyright Jess vs Life)

I want to say that I'm unbelievably happy with these pictures. I look bangin' even with some whey protein bloat going on. One of these days I'll remember to take a morning body pic instead of a 9pm-post-workout-post-protein-shake pic.

I leave for the beach this week and that means one of two things:
1. I'll have free time to put together one or more decent blog posts
or
2. I'll completely ignore the internet and be busy doing beachy things

We'll just have to see how much it rains while we are there... ;)

And the years go by so fast...

It's July already. Half the year is over. How is this happening?! I feel like I'm living in warp speed this year...

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, you guys – but seriously. When am I going to get my shit together?

And surprise, surprise: I’m thinking about switching up my strength routine again. I started Stronglifts at the end of April and had some hiccups and do-over’s along the way. I’ve reached about the 2 month point, which seems to be where I start getting bored. Well, that’s happening. I’m also not progressing the way I would have liked (probably due to the amount of junk food I still eat), and am having a hard time keeping focused. Back in April when I essentially quit New Rules of Lifting for Women to switch to Stronglifts, I thought long and hard on what was making me do that. Was it that NROLFW was boring? Yes and no. It was mostly that I just didn’t want to dedicate 50-90 minutes of my evening to it 3 times a week… because it was kind of boring.

I’ve been sort of obsessing over this bodyweight training idea… it seems to be a very “big” thing right now in the MFP lifting community, and part of me is sitting here thinking, “What good does it do me to be able to bench press 100+ lbs if I can’t even do a single “real” push-up?” and the answer I keep coming back to is: it doesn’t do you any damn good at all, Jess. So, I’ve pulled a handful of beginner/intermediate bodyweight routines from the Great and Powerful Internet and am going to follow one or more of those for the next few weeks and see how that goes and see how long until I get bored.

I’ve kept up with my running intervals pretty well. I’m not always getting them in twice a week, but I’m getting regular walks in so that’s okay.

I talked about some subconscious stressors last post and those things are still issues, but mostly I think I’m getting too wrapped up in the small (minute, even) details of every aspect of trying to be “healthy” and so I’m constantly feeling like I’m not doing “enough”. That is ridiculous and needs to stop. Even as I type that I’m obsessing over whether or not I should have eaten that doughnut this morning. The answer is obviously “no”, as doughnuts offer almost no nutritional value whatsoever. But you know what? I haven’t eaten a doughnut in… a month? 2 months? I couldn’t even tell you. So is it really important? No. It’s not. And it was delicious. So there.

It may be my sort of crazy/delicate emotional state talking right now, but: I’m feeling like I may be on the edge of a diet/fitness breakdown. And by “breakdown”, I mean quitting. Everything. No calorie tracking, no exercising, no nothing.

That obviously accomplishes nothing but guaranteeing a longer period of depression and stress.

So my compromise to myself is that I’m going to stop stressing out about every little tiny thing and just focus on these principals:

• Be happy
• Be healthy
• Be active

Being happy means not beating myself up about every little slip-up, eating the damn doughnut if I really want it, and sometimes taking two or three rest days in a row to read a little extra/spend some time with the husband/visit with friends and family.

Being healthy means being conscious of what my emotional needs are at any given time and allowing myself the time and effort to take care of myself emotionally even if that may feel like it’s at the expense of my physical fitness (which it generally isn’t). It means being conscious of what I’m putting into my body and eating foods that make me feel good physically instead of emotionally. “Feed your body, not your belly.” Being healthy also means making sure I allow myself to get enough sleep, to say “no” to socializing if I’m not really up for it, and to regulate my alcohol intake which in turn will help regulate my cigarette intake.

Being active means keeping up with the exercise routines that make me happy and are enjoyable for me. If it starts feeling like I regularly have to force myself (outside of the normal moments of lacking motivation) to complete an exercise/workout/activity, then it’s time to reevaluate and maybe switch things up a bit. It also means just moving more in general – parking further out in the parking lot at the grocery store, getting up from my desk at work to just walk around the office real quick, getting lunch break walks in weather permitting, running around outside with my kids more often, etc. These are easy things that I’m already doing most days that definitely boost my mood and energy level.

You’ll probably notice I whittled my “Priorities” list down to simply two things: quit watching so much damn television, and get more sleep. The meal planning stuff I have down pretty well right now. I have a go-to dish list that I use in emergencies and my fridge/freezer/pantry are regularly stocked with the items used in those dishes.

Let’s revisit June Goals real quick:

• Take progress pics/measurements and weigh-in every 2 weeks – I have been decent about weighing in, not so good with pictures/measurements. I did measurements roughly about a week ago and I’m down a quarter inch on all torso measurements. Biceps/forearms/thighs/calves all stayed the same.
• Keep up with cardio twice a week – I’m a-okay on this. Doing run intervals once or twice a week and walking 3-4 times a week.
• QUIT SMOKING – putting pressure on myself to quit during a time of the year when I normally smoke the most was causing a ridiculous amount of stress and a seemingly never ending self-hate cycle. This is on the back-burner right now. Judge all you want in thinking this should be health priority numero uno, but it’s just not for me right now. Deal.

I’m happy to have my simplified goals for July. These may remain goals until I can calm myself and quit hyper-obsessing and stressing myself out. That doesn’t get me closer to my goals in any way.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday weekend! Happy belated 4^th!

Depression is fun! Wait… No. No, it’s not.

I’m really sorry to have gotten your hopes up, Dear Readers, with regular posts... and then to just completely disappear off the face of the earth. It’s been a really rough month for me. My depression funk just kept getting worse and worse. Last Wednesday was sort of a tipping point for me. I almost had to leave work early just because I felt like I couldn’t keep my shit together… however, I have a very real fear of taking time off from my job for anything that is not a legit emergency or prior-planned vacation (long story, maybe I’ll share another time – but here’s part of it: I work for my in-laws), so I pushed through until 5pm only excusing myself to the bathroom to cry a few times. Yeah, I know. I’m a mess.

Wednesday night I went and played about an hour of tennis with my dad and it felt really amazing. I am super close with my parents and really enjoy spending time with them on this level that is hard to explain – it’s always a super satisfying experience for me and has this ability to really build me up and reassure me even if I don’t talk to them about struggles I’m having. Somehow just being around them makes me feel okay again. Last night was this magical cure for me. I think. I hope. I didn’t talk to my dad about how I’ve been feeling down lately. We just played tennis and chatted about normal everyday stuff. But I tell you what, every time I would run down a ball and get it back to him, every time I managed to finagle a tough shot he’d shout, “Great shot!” and maybe give me a few pointers on form. Every “great shot” and “nice one” was like its own special formula of cure-all. I ended my day feeling more normal than I’ve felt in a long time. Thursday morning, aside from being a little sleepy (stupid staying up late *grumblegrumble*), I woke up feeling pretty good and emotionally even. That feeling, unfortunately didn’t last more than a day and a half… and part of that is my fault for getting supremely lazy and doing NONE physical activity Thurs-Sunday. I know I’ve said this here about a thousand times, but I’m going to say it again: Physical exercise makes all the difference in my mood and temperament. I know this and need to just force myself to do something physical every day – even if that is just a light 15 minute walk.

Because of the funk I’ve been in, I’ve started to reevaluate some of the things in my life that might be stressing me more than I consciously realize. A big part of the problem may be my sleep habits. After doing well at getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night for a while there, it’s all fallen to pieces. I find myself staying up later and later to the point where it is not unusual for me go to bed at 1 or 1:30am on a weeknight. This is unhealthy on so many levels, but even if I want to put the emotional repercussions aside, I’m not allowing my body proper recovery time from lifting and/or cardio activities. This won’t help me accomplish my weight loss/fat loss goals. In fact, it’s doing nothing but sabotaging the efforts I am putting in. I know this, it’s in the forefront of my mind every night when I look at that clock as I crawl into bed and it’s past midnight… and it’s stressing me the eff out. I don’t know how, but I need to really start making sleep a priority in my life instead of chugging through with this “I’ll go to bed early tomorrow” mentality. It’s not doing me any good, and it’s not doing my children/husband any good… especially my husband, since he usually stays up right along with me!

Another issue is exercise routine. I have this set schedule in my head of when and how often I will do lifting vs cardio, etc… and if I don’t stick to that schedule I really mentally torture myself over it. “Guess you just want to be fat forever, huh?”, “Just one more week of the scale not moving” (this is especially stupid since I’m continuing to lose inches and see changes in my body composition – the scale doesn’t reflect those things and therefore shouldn’t matter anyway), “It’s cool. It doesn’t really matter, ‘cause you’re never going to reach goal anyway. Go ahead and add some Dairy Queen on top of skipping your workout.. AGAIN.” I’m pretty mean and cruel to myself. And it gets me nowhere other than Downsville with a quick pit-stop in Guilty Town on the way. I’m regularly exercising/active  4-5 times a week (with the exception of the last two weeks) and part of me is realizing that this should be what matters, not necessarily what “type” of exercise I’m getting in. I have read enough to understand and know full-well that strength should take precedence over cardio if there’s only time for one, but sometimes I just feel like going for a long walk or a run instead of lifting and I need to realize THAT IS OKAY. I appreciate any support I can get in this unexpected change in my exercise routine, as any outside negativity is just fuel for my self-hate cycle right now.

[Confession: Going back to the scale making me feel down and how it shouldn’t, etc, etc… well, I weighed myself no less than 3 times over the course of 3 days last week… water retention makes all the difference. Thursday morning after an hour of tennis the previous night and then a couple adult beverages revealed a weight of 194.4. Friday morning after no exercise Thursday night, lots of water, and just a few beers the scale came down to 192.2. Saturday morning after TONS of water, NO alcohol and very little food thanks to an awesomely terrible migraine headache Friday night, revealed a weight of 189.2. Being a full 48 hours out from any “exercise” and not having any particularly salty foods or alcohol makes all the difference. Water weight is evil and is why I simply cannot trust the scale. I know full-well I did NOT lose 5 lbs of FAT in 3 days. Stupid scale.]

Here’s a big one: quitting smoking. I had one week of success which promptly went down the toilet and I’ve been unable to really and truly motivate to quit for-real since. I realize that if I can get my priorities straight with sleep, it may be easier to let this one go… the main reason I’m staying up so late is because I’m socializing and drinking. Drinking = smoking for me. Always has. I’m well aware of the cycle, but I think part of me is just not quite willing to fully break it yet. THAT’S OKAY. Once again we come into a self-hate/guilt cycle… I feel guilty for drinking and wanting to smoke, I feel guilty for not smoking if somebody asks me to, then I smoke anyway and hate myself and feel like a liar. That’s not stressful or anything *eye roll*. I’m not sure exactly what to do in this situation. Part of me wants to say, “give yourself a break” and focus on working on the other stressors/priorities in my life in hopes that when those are more settled that the motivation and desire to give this piece up will come naturally. And then another part of me wonders if that’s just a bunch of bullshit I’m feeding myself and just another excuse I’m making. I haven’t decided yet.

Okay, so… work life. I have reached a place where I just really do not want to have a job. I want to be at home with my kids. I know I’ve said a hundred million times that I felt like I could never be a stay-at-home mom - but right now, and for the last several weeks, I really feel like I could do it. And I really feel like I want to do it. Unfortunately this is absolutely not an option for my life whatsoever. My husband is 100% unwilling to be the sole financial provider for our family, and that is not even taking into consideration that we cannot afford for me to quit working right now or the fact that he and I together are learning how to run the family business with a plan in place that we will be taking it over fully and purchasing the business in the next few years. The stress of this alone may be what’s pushing me to just not want to do any of it. And there is nothing I can do or change about this situation without creating several additional mountains of stress… and not just stress that I deal with Monday through Friday, but stress that I would be dealing with every moment of every day that could possibly ruin my marriage. Fun stuff, huh? I just keep holding on to the knowledge that further on down the road I will most likely be in a position within the company and in my personal finances where I can scale my hours back to part-time and spend more time with my kiddos.

It feels so odd to be so down and depressed when almost everything in my personal life is going well. Mike and I getting along great, our only rough patches are because of my outbursts of illogical and irrational thinking about little things that don’t matter which, I know, are happening because of my depression. My kids are doing awesome and I’m doing awesome with my kids. My friendships are maintaining well and I’ve even reconnected with some old friends who I haven’t been close to in a long time and am feeling like I’m getting so much emotional benefit from that. I would say I even feel pretty awesome about my body 90% of the time, even though I’m mentally punishing myself whenever I skip a workout – which just makes that negative inner-monologue-ing seem even weirder!! I guess maybe what I’m realizing is that I’m experiencing somewhat non-situational depression for the first time that I can remember… and yes, there are some stressors in my life that could be a contributing factor, but here after writing them out they just really don’t seem all that huge. Except the sleep thing. Sleep has got to move higher up on my priority list… this could totally all be stemming from some serious hormonal imbalances due to my lack of sleep. So that’s my number 1 focus for “change” right now – Get. More. Sleep.

Here are some progress pictures (these were taken Monday 6/17 - more to come 7/1!):

I can definitely see changes happening. Last week and this week (so far) I feel like I’m finally getting back on the Eat Good Food/More Protein bandwagon, and that will help tremendously. I’ve been trying to get myself into a mindset of, “Feed your body, not your belly”. Meaning, not everything has to be the tastiest, most savory/sweet/rich thing I’ve ever laid my taste buds upon, because I’m not eating for the joy of eating – I’m eating to fuel my body. This in no way means I will not still take the time to enjoy food and cook things that are healthy and delicious as well as enjoying eat-out/junk-food indulgences sometimes, but it does mean that I need to break this thinking that I’ve gotten into that everything must be “delicious” – which, for me lately, has meant “restaurant/bar/fast food”.

 The last couple weeks I’ve been taking a little bit of a different approach to my food tracking by trying to focus more on macros (carbs/fats/proteins – 40/30/30), meeting those macros with nutrient dense foods and not focusing so much on caloric intake. I have days where I lean more toward the primal breakout where my fats and proteins will exceed my carbs, and I am totally okay with that. I’ve also decided to give myself one day/night a week where I will not track food and just indulge guilt-free in whatever I so choose. I should have added this to my pseudo-list above: calories have been a MAJOR stressor for me lately and my days of overindulgence and poor food choices I believe are what kick-started my negative thinking again. This is definitely a stressor I can change and am working on as I described. I’m also realizing that I may reach a point where I’ll need to take some time to intuitively eat and ignore food journaling period if I can’t get into a “happy” place with it.

I also restarted Stronglifts last night. Again. I haven’t been consistent with the 3x’s/week workouts like I should have been from the beginning and it was definitely affecting my progress as the weight increased. So, I’m back down to 45lbs for all lifts and will only be increasing weight weekly, 5 lbs to all lifts except deadlifts which will increase by 10lbs. This time around I’m really going to focus on form and performing my lifts correctly and using the correct muscle-groups to move the weight.

I’ve continued to keep cardio as a regular part of my routine 2-3 times a week, and am starting to really feel some progress there. That’s been exciting! I’m really looking forward to playing tennis with my dad and other friends more regularly, as well.

I just have to keep in mind:

I hope you all enjoyed THE LONGEST BLOG POST EVER and are doing well!

PMS Makes Me Want To Quit Life

But not because of the normal reasons you might think… no bloating or pre-cramping, nothing physical… the feels, they kill me. My emotions are SO high right now and this, for some reason, makes me feel like, Why even bother? Why do I count calories when I just regularly blow my goal out of the water? Why track exercise when it’s never enough to counteract my over-calorie-consumption? Why bother trying to eat healthy when I’m just always going to be fat and overweight anyway?

It’s like the never-ending negativity cycle these last couple weeks, I tell ya. I’m not entirely sure what brought it all on, but it might have something to do with my realization that I’ve been actively trying to lose weight/fat for 18 months now and I feel like I should have hit my goal and then some, but I’m still 20 pounds and 8% body fat away… and then the realization that this is nobody’s fault other than my own. Maybe if I could just get my shit together with my food choices and intake, if I could just really focus on sticking somewhere CLOSE to my macros instead of just essentially ignoring them 90% of the time… I do generally and genuinely feel like I’m good on exercise. I’m finding it easy to be active and enjoying the activities I’m choosing to do. Therefore, it’s got to be the food. There’s a meme going around the fitness communities I’m currently active in that will picture either a sexy lady, a buff dude, or maybe even just a set of weights and it says, “You can’t out-train a poor diet”. I used to think that just simply wasn’t true. When I lost a bunch of weight leading up to my wedding, I was living off of Chipotle, beer, and bar food and looked fabulous! I was also 24 years old and had only had one child at that point. I’m almost 30 now and just recently had another baby… but I’m coming up on the 2 year mark since Nolan was born and I feel like once we hit the 2 year mark I can no longer officially use pregnancy and childbirth as an excuse. It takes 2 years for the female body to recover from all the havoc pregnancy wrecks on it… my 2 years is almost up.

I’m my only excuse. I don’t know if it’s just laziness or if I’m scared or feel like I won’t get support from family/friends (which I guess might fall into the “scared” category) or what! I also, unfortunately, am not really sure how to push through or get over it. I’m also trying to figure out right now if I legitimately feel this way or if this is just hormone-induced-emotional-craziness and if next week I’ll feel totally fine and happy again. I do know that I definitely don’t want to have to go through this self-hate crisis every month!! I just really hate being female sometimes. It’s just such malarkey.

…so I posted on Friday that I was 5 days and 12 hours smoke free. Well that stuck until about an hour after I hit my 6 days mark (at 10:30pm that night) and broke down to my high emotions and anger over a couple things and had a cigarette… and then 2 more. And then 4 more on Saturday night. And 3 more last night… I don’t know what I’m doing at this point. I’m so all over the place. I guess I’m back to the beginning. It just really showed me, though, how it’s totally a drinking and emotional thing for me - 4 beers and getting pissed off and I cracked! It’s like I need to have something to do when I’m upset or angry about something so I don’t punch people… maybe I need to take up boxing?

It was amazing how much harder it was to steady my resolve, as well – all of a sudden Saturday night I found myself thinking, “I don’t really need/want to quit anyway. It’s okay to be a smoker.” NO. Just, NO. But obviously not “no” since I had no problem just up and doing it again last night!

Where has all my willpower gone? When did I become such a pushover to my cravings? For all things! I feel like I’ve been struggling to stay within my budget, too, lately! It’s like I’m currently pursuing every extreme… EAT ALL THE FOOD! DRINK ALL THE BEER! SMOKE ALL THE CIGARETTES! SPEND ALL THE MONEY! And then other days I scare myself a little bit on the other extreme. I find myself thinking that it’s MY body and I can starve it or feed it any way I damn please, and maybe I’ll just go ahead and starve it for a little while just until I see that number I want to see on the scale and THEN… THEN I can just eat at maintenance and bulk and look awesome.

Y’know, ‘cause THAT is healthy and won’t cause a total tank in my metabolism or eat away at my lean muscle mass or make me gain it all back once I go back to “normal” habits or anything.

(That was extreme sarcasm, btw.)

I just don’t understand what has happened/is happening. I’m my own worst enemy these days! There must be some subconscious stressors that I’m not totally tuning in to because aside from this disaster, I’ve been feeling pretty good about life in general.

Any tips or tricks for getting back on track with healthy eating/calorie goals, Readerland?

Been thinking...

...about connecting this blog with a tumblr of the same name so I can share fun fitnessy things along with my own posts.

Hmmm...

Beginning of the month check-in, stupid scale

I began this post yesterday and here is what I wrote:

“I skipped my lifting Wednesday night. I lifted Monday, ran/walked 4 miles Tuesday.. and then just didn’t have the energy to do much of anything else once we got to Wednesday. So little energy that I couldn’t even be bothered to move at all most of the day, as evident by the meager 3,000 steps my UP band informed me I made yesterday (my average is 9,997). -.-

So, what I’m realizing is in somewhat typical Jessica fashion, I am now feeling depressed and hating myself and decided that I would just go ahead and eat about 1200 calories at lunch today, because why not? I mean, I’m obviously unmotivated and always going to be fat anyway.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THIS NEGATIVE THINKING?!

Theory: hormone cycle. I feel like it was around this same time last month that I started feeling all run down and emotionally all over the place. You would think being on birth control, that the hormonal changes wouldn’t have such an impact on my moods – apparently not so. And what terrifies me a little bit is that when the day comes when I will no longer have to take birth control (because my husband loves me and will obey my wishes that he make it so that we can no longer make babies – read: vasectomy), will I be just a total emotional wreck all the time?! With terrible cystic acne overtaking my face on top of it all?? (Seriously, guys. My acne gets terrible when I’m not on the pill. It’s like being 15 all over again.)

Research and study tells me that if I wasn’t eating so much processed junk (I’ve gotten quite a bit worse on my eating this past week and seem to get in a habit of poor eating around this time each month from looking at my food diary), that I might have any easier time maintaining a positive attitude and might not experience such dramatic hormonal shifts. Junk food canhave a serious effect on one’s hormones, making major differences in estrogen and progesterone production and function along with all the other important hormones.

Now that I’ve caught on to this subconscious trend of mine, I guess I should probably do something about it and start focusing a little more on how my female-ness drives my food cravings.”

So I was feeling all super fat and crappy and down on myself. I felt unmotivated and like I just wanted to eat all the things all the time just as shear punishment to myself for being such a terrible, awful, fat human being. That emotional eating… that is not normal for me at all. And I found it kind of disturbing to be thinking that way sort of out of nowhere. But here’s the twist: I did my workout last night as soon as I got home and got some dinner on the table for my kids, and today? I feel awesome.

I feel like I’ve said this a million times, but it just continually amazes and surprises me at how well I respond emotionally to regular exercise, how skipping just one normal workout day and not getting at least SOME physical activity in (short walk, etc.) just makes me nose dive into guilt and depression. I normally only exercise Mon-Friday and I think the reason I don’t get this way on the weekends is because I’m active with my kids, running errands, cleaning house, etc. Sundays I sometimes find that I struggle with that end-of-the-weekend depression, but now I’m wondering if that may come from Sundays being “lazy days” more oft than not. Maybe if I just make myself take a walk or run I won’t experience that quite as strongly. I think it warrants a little experimenting.

Now for some checking in and up!

After a month of not weighing myself, I stepped on the scale Monday morning to this:

Official weight @ 06/03/13: 192.2 lbs

To say this was disappointing might be the understatement of the century (and may have begun my depression spiral that so fully kicked in Weds/Thurs). I felt so sure that I had lost at least something this month; my clothes are fitting better, I can see how different my body looks, I once again enjoy seeing pictures of myself because I feel like I look awesome and no longer “overweight”. It’s such a hard thing getting that number out of my head, though. I’m hoping when I take measurements this weekend I’ll see enough positive change there to make me realize the scale is a dumb way of measuring my current progress and may just be a useless tool to me at this point that serves no purpose other than making me feel terrible about myself.  

May goals in review:

1) No weigh-ins until June 1^st – check. Stupid scale. Go die.

2) Get back on lifting program – check, check, and check! Feeling good, gettin’ strong!

3) QUIT SMOKING – Didn’t happen for May, but I’m currently 5 days, 12 hours without a cigarette. I am especially proud of myself because I have made it through socializing with smoker friends AND my mom without having a cigarette! I reeeeallly wanted a cigarette last night, but I went to bed instead. *thumbs up*

On Monday I wrote down all my reasons for wanting to quit smoking and have been toting that around with me. I just look at it periodically to remind myself. Oddly enough, the two main things that have kept me going are: not feeling like crap in the morning and better circulation (no more waking up in the middle of the night with numb hands). I’m also constantly having to tell myself, “You are not a smoker.” Getting away from always thinking of myself as a smoker is going to be the key and also the hardest part for me, I think. Getting it into my head that smoking does NOT define who I am or how I think and operate is hard. It sounds so stupid and probably makes very little sense to people who don’t/have never smoked, but I really did use it as a definition of me as a person pretty much my entire adult life. Now all of a sudden I have to define myself by something else, or even harder – nothing at all. Maybe there is no definition of who I am as a person and maybe that’s okay.

In conclusion on that topic: So far, so good!

So here are my new goals for June:

1. Take progress pictures/measurements and weigh-in every 2 weeks
2. Continue cardio twice a week (oh oh! I haven’t even talked about this yet! Please hold.)
3. Quit smoking

So. Cardio. That thing I hate. I still hate it, but have made a conscious decision that it’s something that needs to regularly be happening in my life. Part of this revelation came after attending the Virginia Tech Hokies Ladies’ Clinic last weekend and getting to sit through lectures from both the Strength and Condition Coach and the Sports Medicine Coordinator. There was lots and lots of talk about how these young footballers train, and while strength/power is the main focus of all workouts and where the most time is spent, the importance of interval training/agility was focused on as well. This got the gears in my head turning a little faster than they already were (I did some track sprints last week in hopes to get a jump-start on quitting smoking per some advice my brother-in-law who recently quit gave me – I guess Kyle is good for SOME things), and I realized that if I want to be able to really apply the strength I’m building to anything (chasing children… LIFE), I need the endurance behind it. A couple months ago I had been doing a HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) routine that I found on FitnessBlender (awesome site!), but I got bored with it very quickly and quit doing it. Also, I realized when I tried to run last week (for the first time in YEARS), that actually running on a track, the street, a treadmill, whatever, is a LOT different than just jumping around in one place in your basement. The amount of soreness that happened within just an hour of returning from the track last week… it was ridiculous. It made me feel ridiculously out of shape for being a person who’s been working so hard to get in shape. And that advice that my brother-in-law gave me? It was good. Sprinting/jogging/running/whatever definitely makes me never want to smoke again.

The bottom line is: I hate cardio, and will probably always hate cardio – but I want my heart and lungs to be healthy, so track sprints are going to be happening in my life regularly. I also really enjoy taking walks, so those will definitely continue until the weather gets too cold for me to bear it. It's all about balance.

Getting There/Changing Attitudes

This is me Monday night:

  

And some muscles, just for fun... look at my shoulders!!

I have no idea how much I weigh and I haven’t taken measurements in over 2 weeks – the last time I calculated body fat (also a couple weeks ago) I’d lost nearly 1% since March, putting me at 30.8% Estimated Body Fat. What I’m wearing isn’t incredibly flattering (especially the bra sweat), but my posture is getting so much better and everything is tightening up nicely. I can see a difference in my body, and I like it. I’m getting there – slowly, so very painfully slowly, but surely.

Here’s the weird part: I feel like I am epic failing in every aspect of my life lately, even though that is lightyears away from the truth and reality. The only goal for May that I haven’t accomplished is “Quit Smoking”. Everything else I’m succeeding in! I’m back on my lifting program (I even have Mike doing it with me now!) and I haven’t stepped on the scale since May 3^rd. I think getting away from the scale has been really healthy for me. It’s allowing me to focus so much more on my body composition changes, the fit of my clothing, feeling comfortable in my skin – the actual important stuff, instead of the bizarre fascination with one type of measurement. As far as the smoking… like I said last week, I’m not even trying. And I’m in this place of wondering if this is one of those things where it’s okay to give into the “I don’t wanna” for a while longer and let it all come naturally.

I also haven’t even attempted to cut back on my social drinking. Again, it’s the I-Don’t-Wannas. I keep thinking back to conversations about these things with my counselor last summer (who is no longer practicing anywhere I can find, and I feel like I NEED HER RIGHT NOW!!), and remembering her telling me to stop focusing so hard on things that aren’t real problems and trying to make them real problems. That I should just focus on being a healthy person emotionally and physically, and when I’m ready to not do something anymore I’ll know it and just… stop doing it.

Gee, that sure does seem logical, doesn’t it? Go figure.

I obviously can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for myself: I am in good health, I exercise regularly, and I eat my fruits and veggies like I’m supposed to (finally). I do eat junk food, but I try to stick with an 80/20 split between “clean” eating and “whatever I want to stuff my face with”. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s almost more important for me to focus on sleeping enough… if I could get a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep, I probably wouldn’t be on as much of a depression roller-coaster as I have been since Daylight Savings began.

…stupid Daylight Savings screwing up everybody’s body rhythms. I used to love you, DST!! You used to be good to me!!

Perhaps if I were getting enough sleep, my willpower and motivation levels would also be higher, hence leading to an easier time in breaking bad habits and controlling my vices – not to mention the other things I haven’t even mentioned such as: staying within my budget, getting back on track with meal planning, and keeping my house tidy.

It’s certainly something to think on. Unfortunately, it also takes willpower to make myself NOT stay up all hours of the night watching tv/drinking beer/smoking/hanging out with family and/or friends, and I seem to be severely lacking in this department currently. Once again, another blog post about all my “wishes” and needing to get my priorities straight and yet still having no progress and no answers!

Okay, that’s not entirely true. There I go again, dismissing my progress with my exercise and eating habits! We’ll call it Veruca Salt Syndrome. I want it ALL and I want it NOW. But that’s not how life works, is it folks? I guess it’s time to slow it down, stop bullying myself, be okay with where I am and really focus on the positives I’m continuing to accomplish and let those nasty automatic negative thoughts go back to their deep dark cave to rot.

Do you, Dear Readers, have a tendency to focus on the negatives and hang the positives out to dry? Do you sometimes make mountains out of molehills with your unhealthy habits?

Excuses, Excuses

I’ve mentioned once or twice about a couple friends who are currently “detoxing” from various things – whether that be smoking, drinking alcohol, junk-food, etc. I mentioned earlier this week that I had some serious thinking and prioritizing to do. I still do. I’m realizing more and more, though, that I make excuses for myself and I’m terrified to commit to anything with concrete boundaries. If you can’t bend the rules to make it work for the way I operate, than I’m not interested. I’m not sure if this is fear of failure, good old fashioned laziness, or fear of learning something about myself I’d just rather not know.

I keep thinking about doing my own little “detox”, but I keep finding reasons not to. For example, this is me: “Today I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work. I’m going out of town next weekend and will definitely want to go out for dinner and drinks… plus the long drive, I might need a cigarette to keep me awake. Hmm… okay, starting when I get back from out of town I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking!! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work either. My buddy’s birthday is coming up and I’m definitely going to want to drink some beers for that… and those are all my smoker friends, so I’m definitely going to want to smoke… hmm… okay, after THAT! 2 weeks! No smoking, no drinking! …oh. Wait. FOURTH OF JULY!! You can only celebrate freedom with BEER!! Okay, so – wait, no. Then vacation. Vacation with my in-laws. I may not survive vacation with my in-laws without beer. Also, it’s VACATION! HELLO!!”

…are we noticing a pattern here? Reading over that kind of makes me feel ooky. And by ooky, I mean, like, maybe I need to quit making beer such an important part of my social life.

I go back and forth with this. For example: I rarely drink to drunkenness. Getting drunk is not the purpose of my alcohol consumption. I like the taste of beer and wine and it also helps that its depressant effects act as a calming agent after a stressful workday or dealing with kid issues. I don’t drink every day, but rather 2-3 times a week and consume, on average, 2-3 drinks. There are definitely times where I will have more than that, but those times are few. I still responsibly take care of my children and go to my job like I’m supposed to…BUT… then when I think that I’m literally scared of the prospect of going for a few weeks without consuming a single alcoholic beverage because I couldn’t POSSIBLY attend any sort of social event without consuming ALCOHOL, I think: something is wrong here. If it’s not such a big deal and if I’m so responsible with it, then what’s the difference? Just drink a coke or something! Seriously. And that part kind of makes me hate myself a little bit and makes me feel like a giant hypocrite. It shouldn’t necessarily be about whether or not it’s a convenient time for me to do this – I need to just bite the bullet and make it happen. When I quit smoking in 2010 for a little while (gee, that stuck well, didn’t it?), I quit drinking for about 3 weeks in order help in that process. I still went out and had fun with my friends, I just drank soda instead of beer. It was no big deal except that everyone kept asking if I was pregnant! Lol

I’m not making any official announcement here or anything, as I know that the more pressure I put on myself the more likely I am to sabotage (see: Quit smoking goal for May), but this is something that’s in the works. So, Real Life Friends, if we go out and I’m drinking water or soda instead of beer, just leave it alone and let me do my thing.

The Month of Do-Overs!

I don’t know if it’s the proverbial “spring fever”, or what, but I seem to have taken a pretty massive fall off the fitness/eat-well wagon this month. First I had to mulligan my lifting program (which I now sort of have to do again just because I’ve decided to become a workday social butterfly), then I started just... not tracking half of what I would eat during the day, or forgetting to track everything but breakfast. I haven’t been eating very well. I totally quit planning dinner menus and shopping for those meals. I have been staying up much MUCH too late nearly every night, and though I’ve been walking more (yay cardio!) I’ve overall been pretty lazy about every other aspect of my life.

What happened??? Is this some kind of weird spring-time depression? Isn’t that sort of THE OPPOSITE of what spring is supposed to do for your mood?! *Googles*

…oh. Huh. Mayo Clinic says Seasonal Affective Disorder can happen in the Fall/Winter OR the Spring/Summer, just with slightly different symptoms. Weird.

Today is another Do-Over for me. Back to my lifting program, back to diligently tracking food, back to making the time to plan out what I’ll be cooking for dinners this week from what I already have stocked in the fridge/pantry.

I’ve had a lot of friends who have decided to do an overhaul of their bad habits and unhealthy lifestyle choices this month. It’s got me thinking a lot about myself and my vices and how I define myself by those vices. I’ve also found myself using the words “I wish” a lot lately. If wishes were fishes… but they aren’t. And there sure as hell isn’t some genie or fairy godmother or whatever-else-magical-mystical-creature-thing out there waiting to grant me all my wishes. I just need to commit to make the changes I am currently wishing for.

Some of the things on my “wish list” include:

1.       Quit smoking. FOR REALS. (I know I added this as a May goal, but I’m being honest with you: it ain’t happening thus far. I’m not even trying. NOT. EVEN. TRYING. It’s shameful.)

2.       Start looking forward to a Saturday morning workout instead of Friday night drinking.

3.       Make a chore schedule and just GET THAT SHIT DONE.

4.       Be diligent about meal planning and reign in the out of control grocery spending. (I have more to say on this in a minute.)

5.       Finish the damn Stronglifts program. It’s easy! It’s quick! IT WORKS! Just DO IT.

6.       Start running. Even if it’s just doing intervals for 15-20 minutes twice a week. Your heart will thank the hell out of you. Don’t feel like doing the run? Walk it out. Walking is just as, if not better, for you. Something tells me this may make it a lot easier to quit smoking as well.

I know I’m a big poo-pooer on cardio – because, honestly, if you’re ONLY going to do cardio and you’re going to do 1.5 - 2 hours (moderate to high intensity) or more of it a day, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Especially if you aren’t eating enough and/or enough of the right things (read: protein). Maintaining muscle mass is SO SO SO IMPORTANT. I can’t stress that enough. And if you’re doing a lifting routine that is legit circuit training, you’re getting the cardio and the strength in all at once. Almost every strength training program I’ve done or attempted to do was circuit training up until this point. I got my cardio in with my lifting and I’ve been spoiled. Stronglifts is about as opposite from circuit training as you can get, and I need to get some cardio in my life. Even if it means just walking – and that needs to be more than just 20 minutes on my lunch break a couple times a week (which is not to say this doesn’t count – it absolutely does). My body composition is changing like-whoa and I’ve lost another 1% of body fat since I did my last measurement at the end of March. That’s awesome and I’m proud of myself for that, but I also know that I could be working so much harder and not half-assing as much as I have been. I have some growing up to do and I need to really start thinking about what I want out of my life and getting my priorities straight just in general.

Now, speaking on the groceries: I’m not entirely sure if I’m being frivolous with my grocery money or if groceries have just gotten REALLY FREAKING EXPENSIVE. I’m thinking it’s a combo of both, but meal planning is going to save me money even if it’s just a few bucks and I need to get with it on that. Does anyone else feel like their grocery bills have skyrocketed lately even though you’re buying pretty much the same stuff you always have?

Mulligan

The bronchitis cleared up quicker than I thought it would, and I was able to get back to Stronglifts Monday of last week! I just started back at the beginning after nearly two weeks of no lifting thanks to schedule conflicts and sickness. Not too happy about it since I had planned it just perfectly to wrap my 12 weeks the Friday before we leave for the beach in July – now I’ll have that random rest week around week 10, which WILL be filled by a bodyweight workout substitute while we are beaching it up, but I didn’t really want to take a random rest week in there. Although, who knows? Maybe by the time I hit week 10 I’ll be happy for a rest week!

One thing I’m irritated with myself for: not completing all 3 training workouts last week. It was again a time/schedule issue. I did get plenty of cardio in with some laser tag action, but I still am feeling rather guilty about it. And on top of this I’m feeling totally fat. I don’t know if this is a hormonal deal or what, but I’m so over it. I keep bouncing back and forth between wanting to say “screw it” and just never exercising/calorie tracking again, and feeling like I should go crazy with the cardio to burn the extra calories just to shrink. I wish I liked cardio more. It definitely is something I feel I would benefit from doing more of – not just from a weight loss/fat loss standpoint, but just from a “hey, my heart will love me!” standpoint. Granted, I walk pretty regularly and run around with my kids and occasionally do things like go laser tagging, not to mention the running up and down the stairs while doing laundry, vacuuming, mopping, etc. while at home. These are all “cardio” activities. They count. But when I’m feeling “fluffy” and stalled, I immediately wish I could motivate to get up and go jog for 30 minutes in the mornings or evenings, or wish that doing some jumping jacks and high-knees could be fun for me. But, alas, these things are soooooooo boooooorrrring. My dad and I have been chatting about going to play tennis a few times a week in the evenings, but the weather here in Virginia has not been steadily warm enough to actually make this happen – plus I get to feeling a little guilty about this kind of stuff because then I feel like I’m not spending enough time with my children and husband… and then I feel more guilty because I feel like my husband can never can take his own health/exercise situation into consideration because he’s too busy supporting my attempt at a more active lifestyle.

Basically is all boils down to: life is hard. And it’s hard in the most stupid and First World ways. If we just lived NOT in modern society we wouldn’t have to exercise on purpose because our entire day would be filled with activity and manual labor. Plus there would be no junk food accessible for putting into my mouth.

…then again, there would also be no modern medicine… or tampons. These would be serious issues for me on a very real and understandable level.

I guess I will just continue to battle my mommy/wife guilt and do my best and stop trying to worry about the immediate result and focus more on the eventual result.

Maybe some of these feelings of fluffiness are stemming from last week being the first week of not stepping on the scale and maybe it is making me irritable. I wanna know. I WANT TO KNOW! But I’m not going to cheat on this. This is one thing I can just NOT cheat on… because obviously that whole “quit smoking” thing was a total joke, because I’m nowhere close. I’ve successfully cut back to “winter” smoker status in that I’m pretty much only smoking on the weekends or while drinking which equals not quite a pack a week… this is better than half a pack a day. But smoking is smoking regardless, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to just not do it. It’s like I’ll have to hermit myself away for a month with no socialization and no alcohol consumption in order to break the habit. Because that’s all it is: habit. There’s no physical addiction for me – it’s all about socialization and it feeling “fun” to smoke while having a drink.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

As you all may be able to tell, I’m in a bit of a negative place right now… this may have everything to do with not getting fully and for real back into my lifting routine which this may be adding to already-in-progress hormone craziness happening in my body as I come up on every girl’s favorite time of the month and this may also just be a totally legit feeling of frustration due to the overwhelming reality that is being your average 21^st century young working wife/mother. I’m just feeling a little jaded and guilty right now, I guess. And the only solution to that is to really think about it and figure what it is that’s bothering me and making me feel guilty and stop doing those things or change them in some way.

Looks like there may be yet even more personal revelation around the bend.

Stay tuned!

Oh, hello, May – where did YOU come from?

Official weight @ 04/26/2013: 189.8 lbs

And then: Official weight @ 5/3/2013: 190 lbs

I fully understand that it’s only .2 lbs, but I haven’t been able to exercise really at all (hence the lack of updates) for the last week and a half. My last workout was 4/24. I missed that Friday due to kids getting to bed late and general life-getting-in-the-way-ness. Saturday didn’t happen because my toddler refused to cooperate with his scheduled nap time. That night the hubby and I had plans to go out which I wasn’t willing to postpone or cancel for a workout. Monday night I went with my dad to see Gary Johnson speak in DC and didn’t get home until 10pm… Tuesday morning I woke up with a nasty case of bronchitis, which meant I could look forward to about a week (if not more) of no strenuous exercise thanks to my bronchial inflammation. So on top of all of this, I’ve been pretty diligent about my caloric intake ESPECIALLY since exercise hasn’t been happening for me… I would venture to say I may even run the risk of under-eating some days over the last couple weeks… and I reflect a .2 lbs gain.

GO HOME, SCALE, YOU’RE DRUNK!

I’m thinking about only weighing myself once a month in order to break this bipolar “I don’t need you – NO WAIT! I NEED YOU!” relationship I’ve been having with my scale lately. I mean, seriously, I just posted about how “I don’t care how much I weigh” because I know it’s always going to be right around the same number until I really start putting in the effort and dropping the fat… and, hell, even THEN it may STILL be the same damn number.

I’m feeling really good about the way I look, lately, and that is definitely what matters in the whole scheme of things. So, here we go, let’s just make it a goal:

Goals for May:

1. No weigh-ins until June 1^st
2. Get back on my lifting program (after I’m no longer sick, of course)
3. QUIT SMOKING

I used to blog about my smoking a lot (tracking how much I was smoking, etc.) and then I just sort of stopped. I obviously quit while I was pregnant with my youngest and I pretty much quit blogging at that time, too. I sort of reformatted once I started back up and that’s when I dropped the smoke-talk. I didn’t exactly plan to start back up after Nolan was born, but it happened. It would kind of come up here and there – like a couple months ago when I blogged about how I had almost completely quit and was smoking only a few cigarettes a week (down from a half pack to a pack a day). I kept pretty steadily with that “I’ll have one here and there” mentality… until the weather got nice. Spring/Summer is sometimes just the total bane of my fit/healthy existence, which seems totally bizarre. So I go from smoking, literally, maybe 4-5 cigarettes on a random Friday or Saturday night if I’m having drinks… to smoking half a pack a day again. Then I get bronchitis. Coincidence? I think not.

So now I’ve decided I need to just quit completely. A friend of mine is also quitting, so this way I can be healthier (and richer) while also supporting her in her efforts. It seems as good a time as any. I’m currently 3 days without a cigarette. However, this is not unusual for me, as I regularly will go days between cigarettes (especially if I’m not feeling well). Once we reach the 3 WEEK point? Then we’ll do a little happy dance. Tonight will be a major test as I’ll be drinking and visiting with one of my best friends who is currently visiting from out of town – and although there are a couple other smokers in the group, the majority of folks that will be at this gathering are non-smokers. Since I’m still hacking a lung from this bronchitis, I’m hoping it will be easy to avoid the urge to smoke. I’m trying to think of it this way: the more I smoke tonight, the longer it will take to get rid of the bronchitis, and the longer it will be until I can get back into my lifting routine – which of course means the longer it will be until I get my body looking the way I want it to.

Now to review April Goals:

1.  Keep active during rest week and start stage 2 of NROLFW
2. Get to bed at a decent time 7 days a week
3. Make more time for fitness with James

Number 1: we all know that I did a fairly decent job of taking walks and doing a couple other workouts during my rest week, but because it was well planned I feel like it didn’t go as well as I would have liked it, too – plus the emotional kick-back of not getting those lifting endorphins. I did start Stage 2 of New Rules and then promptly quit and began Stronglifts 5x5 instead. Now I’m on a forced sick rest. BOO.

Number 2: I am definitely getting better about not staying up until 3am nearly every weekend, but I haven’t improved quite as much as I would have liked to. I’ve rolled myself back about an hour, averaging about a 1:30am weekend bedtime… the flip-side of this is that I’m regularly staying up until midnight or later on work nights, as well. This means I’m keeping a similar circadian rhythm, BUT it also means I’ve gone from averaging close to 8 hours of sleep a night, to averaging closer to 6. No bueno. My priority, not just for this month, but here on out – is to shoot for 7 hours of sleep every night.

Number 3: This didn’t happen really at all, but not for lack of effort on my part. Now that the weather has warmed up James is outside playing with his friends daily. It’s not active/fitness time with ME, but it IS active/fitness time he’s getting that he wasn’t before. I’m taking this off the priority list for the time being. (ps – we did take a 2 mile walk together last week, during which he bitched and moaned the whole time.)

So that’s what’s going on with me. I’m still here, I’m still alive, I’m still taking lunch walks when I can and hoping to have a miraculous bronchial recovery and get back to lifting next week. How are you all of you doing out there in Reader Land? Does the warm weather bring up any bad habits for you? 

Can't weight (see what I did there?)

Official weight @ 04/19/2013: I have no idea

I didn’t weigh-in this week. Friday I just forgot, Saturday I didn’t want to because I drank a bunch of beer Friday night and knew I would show a lot of water weight, Sunday I forgot, etc. Then a funny thing occurred to me: I don’t really care how much I weigh right now.

Let me explain: I care how much I weigh – as in, I don’t want to gain back the nearly 30lbs I’ve lost by going back to old eating habits, not exercising, and being a lazy loaf. But I don’t care how much I weigh today, because I know that it’s somewhere around 190 lbs and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while.

I had some custom TDEG/macro numbers run for me last week by an MFP friend who’s currently working toward their Health Coach cert – and I’m not entirely sure I want to use them. I’m not entirely sure I want to eat at a deficit at all right now, actually. Since last Tuesday, I’ve done a couple intuitive eating days – with the same results as the first day: more carbs/sugar than I think I should need/want, under where I want to be on protein, but overall less hungry throughout the day. Maybe I should start listening to my body a little more. Or maybe I just have yet to break my sugar addiction. Maybe a little bit of both.

Announcement: I’m quitting New Rules. I’ve only done one workout of Stage 2 so far and I have a legitimate concern that I’m quickly reaching a point in the program where I really just don’t have and can’t currently afford the type of equipment the program calls for.

Second announcement: I started Stronglifts 5x5 last night. I think this is going to fit into my schedule a lot better than the 55-70 minute long NROLFW Stage 2 workouts. The 5x5’s take me roughly about 30 minutes with warm-up/cool-down. It only requires that I have a dumbbell and barbell set with a bench (2 of these 3 I already own, the 3^rd is soon-to-be-purchased as my belated birthday present), and it’s quick, simple, to the point – and is the routine Arnold Schwarzenegger followed when he was training for Olympic powerlifting. Not saying I want to be an Olympic power lifter… just want a simple, quick lifting routine that isn’t going to take up a massive chunk of my evening while still building strength.

I was worried yesterday that this could very well be my typical “I feel like nothing is working so I’m going to just switch up everything every couple months until I find the ‘magic’ trick that works overnight” routine… I tend to be hard on myself about this in particular, usually telling myself that I’m just “half-assing” my way through getting healthy. But then I realized last night, that it may just be that I get bored easily and so switching things up every couple months helps keep me motivated. And, y’know, if that’s what it takes for me to consistently be working out and continuing my strength training, then so be it!

And now for something completely different…

I spoke a little last week about the emotional downturn I took during my rest week. Those emotions continued to sabotage me all through last week and into this past weekend. What have I learned from this? I’m not sure that I’m the type of person that can take a legit “rest week” without having a replacement exercise routine in place. I told myself I would continue to be active during my rest week – and I did, for the most part. I took walks during my lunch break, I did a Jillian workout, I did a round of HIIT. But I was just sort of willy-nilly all over the place. And then I got really lazy. Lazy and a little depressed. I used my birthday as an excuse to not get my real workout in and then proceeded to schedule social activities for every other night of the week – which I think may have been subconsciously on-purpose (that’s a thing right? Lol). I made myself “too busy” to fit my workout in. Wednesday I managed to make it happen, but Friday I blew it (part of this was the time issue mentioned above – didn’t get home from work/mom’s until nearly 8pm, still had to get my kids to bed – who wants to start an over-hour-long workout at almost 9pm? Clue: NOT ME.). Saturday I had plenty of time, but chose to sit in front of the tv and nap most of the day. Sunday I figured, “Eh, tomorrow is Monday. I’ll just start fresh then.” and spent most of that day in front of the television as well. I don’t know what was up with me. I think part of it is not seeing the results I was expecting with weigh-ins and even with measurements to a certain extent (but I want a 28” waist nooooowwwwww!!). But I also know that I haven’t been putting in my full effort. “Half the effort yields half the results” – yup. So I guess I was emotionally punishing myself, which is ridiculous.

My main goal in this whole thing is to change the way I live my life. Forever. Not just for a few months to get “skinny”. That means it might take months or even years to figure out what will work best for me and what types of things will continually motivate me (such as switching up my workout routine every couple months!). Logically, rationally, I know this. Emotionally? I know this not at all! Emotionally I’m like, “Go ahead. Go ahead and starve yourself for a couple months and do massive amounts of cardio to burn all those calories and shrink down. THEN you can rebuild your lean mass and metabolism.”

NEGATIVE, STUPID EMOTIONS! I will not do those things! I will do this the good and right way! It may take me another 16 months to lose another 27 pounds, and THAT IS OKAY. (ps – I don’t think I WANT to lose another 27 lbs, maybe more like 15, but still.)

I know I had this big “I WILL reach my goal weight in 2013! I WILL reach my goal body fat percentage in 2013! I WILL make it all happen THIS YEAR!” speech a couple months ago… and that attitude is all well and good, except when it’s not and puts you in a place of constant negative- inner-monologue-ing for not reaching the expectations you set for yourself.

To end on a positive note (and NSV): Lately I’ve been getting the “You’ve lost so much weight!” “You’re looking so thin!” compliments from friends and family. Even my doctor told me at my appointment last week, “You must have lost 30 lbs since the last time I saw you!”. It’s nice to notice other people noticing my hard work – and it definitely helps me realize that the work is paying off, even when I might feel like it isn’t.

Slow progress and back on routine

I spent the majority of my rest week last week eating too much junk – and too much in general! This is definitely helping me come back around to this “eating well” with a little perspective. I’m looking at shooting for an 80/20 split on my food choices. 80% “clean”, and 20% “whatever I feel like”. With my TDEG (Total Daily Eating Goal) estimated around 2200, this means I can either eat up to 450 calories daily of my “whatever” food, or save those up for the weekends to splurge on eating out or drinks or what-have-you. Eating a bunch of processing junk all the time makes me feel like crap. I’m pretty excited about doing some grocery shopping this weekend for lots of fresh fruits and veggies to keep cut up and stored in my fridge for snacking.

In other food news: I sort of inadvertently ate intuitively all day Tuesday… and I stayed within my calorie goal range for the first time in nearly a month. I did, however, eat more carbs/sugar than I would have preferred… and not nearly the amount of protein I normally get, but at least I didn’t feel like I was starving all damn day and didn’t go to bed hungry and didn’t wake up ravenous. Something to think on a little bit.

Now, a confession: I didn’t do my first Stage 2 NROLFW workout until last night…

Monday was my birthday (I should have known better than to make this my “start” day lol), and Tuesday, honestly, I was just being lazy. The last few days of my rest week I started to feel the emotional effects of being out of “routine”. I was still somewhat active during my rest week, but definitely not putting in the effort that I normally would while lifting. I had serious junk-food bloat happening in my belly, like, to the point where some of pants weren’t fitting so well. Plus I felt like I had gotten super flabby (I didn’t. I haven’t. Body dysmorphia, anyone?).

Well, I got my workout in last night even amongst the craziness that was my children and oh.my.god. What a difference! Not only in my emotional state, but I seriously felt like my body went from mushy to muscles after just one 45 minute workout. I’m sure some of that is completely psychosomatic, but I don’t care. Bonus: my pants fit normally today. So glad to be back at it. So far not feeling too sore… but I’m sure it’s coming. Some of the stuff in Stage 2 is pretty crucial. Fact: One-point dumbbell row, MUCH HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. Also – planks are owie.

I know I need to post strength gains from Stage 1, I keep forgetting and I apologize for that. I also never took any official “after” pictures, except the “sexy belly” shots I put up last week… so that’s all I’ve got to go off of. I’ll do pictures for beginning of Stage 2 soon. However, I do have some measurements for you guys:

Measurements @ 4/13/2013 (changes in blue - previous measurements taken 3/10/13)

Estimated Body Fat: 33.28% / 31.6%

Chest (across bust in sports bra): 38" / 38.5”

Bicep: 12" / 13”

Waist: 33.5" / 32.75”

Waist at naval: 36” / 35.5”

Hips: 44.5" / 44.25”

Thigh: 26” - no change

Change is happening slowly but surely! 1” GAIN on my bicep – that’s pretty freaking incredible. Would also explain the nearly 2 point drop in BF%! Finally seeing a little bit coming off the hips, and I'm still impressed with my consistent losses in my waist. I'll take it! :)

Time for some sort of overhaul...?

Official weight @ 4/12/2013: 191.4 lbs

This time I have no junk food excuse. I ate reasonably well yesterday with the exception of a delicious ice cream treat that cost me 400 calories… but I was okay with that. However, I think my weekly average on calories has gotten out of control. Two weeks ago when I saw my first real loss of this entire year, I averaged about 2200 calories/day, plus was doing my lifting and remained pretty active outside of lifting that week. The week before that I think I had averaged closer to 2000. Well, this has been my rest week… and I’ve averaged (so far, we haven’t even gotten to birthday celebrations yet!!) closer to 2500. Granted, many folks on lifting programs will eat at maintenance during their rest weeks, but I hadn’t really intended on doing that… I’m pretty sure it’s just been complete and total lack of willpower.

I’m feeling really unsure on how to proceed on this. Part of me thinks I need to stop worrying about it so much and quit actively tracking throughout the day for a couple weeks and just kind of eat what I’m hungry for. Then, at the end of the day, I can go ahead and put it into my diary and see what I’m intuitively averaging and move from there.

Another part of me is thinking since I can’t seem to get my calories under control, I need to just workout 3-5 days a week instead of 2-3. Yes, I get some walking in during the week (and am all over the place on the weekend walking, running after children, climbing stairs, etc.) – but maybe I need to just take the time to actually do a WORKOUT on my non-lift days. I’m thinking about incorporating Jillian’s Ripped in 30 and doing that on off days… although I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m terrified since that might mean overworking certain muscles…. BUT, I can always sort of skim the more strength-oriented parts and focus mostly on the cardio aspect. I need to reread this portion of the book, but I want to say that New Rules has you do HIIT sessions during Stage 2… that might take care of it. We’ll see.

I am just really super confused right now. I’m starving all the time yet eating like a normal person, I’m more active than I’ve been in a loooong time, my body shape is completely changing and yet the scale has barely budged, and my measurements are only barely changing – although I haven’t taken officially measurements in a WHILE. That will happen tomorrow, most likely.

I would like to lose at least another 10 lbs. I can be totally happy at 180 with awesome lady muscles and easily wearing a 12/14. Seriously! I just feel like 190 is still “too heavy”. And maybe that is just a messed up place for me to be mentally/emotionally. Maybe I need to just stop being such a whiney baby and suck it up and stick to my calorie cut and cleaner eating and add the dreaded cardio into my routine. I get really discouraged sometime because I feel like I still have so much fat in my mid-section to lose… I’ll be really impressed with myself (see: sexy belly pictures), and then I’ll have these weeks where all I can seems to focus on is that little bit of mommy-pooch still happening, the little bit of back-fat that still pokes from under my bra, the squishiness on my hips… and then realizing that even though I’ve lost 5% (or more) of my body fat since January, but at over 30%, this still puts me into an obese category.

Fun fact: on the body fat percentage chart, there is no “overweight” – you are either “above average” or you’re “obese”. How’s THAT for the self-esteem? Another fun fact: even skinny people can have an obese body fat percentage. Hence, weight lifting.

This “rest” week has just been really rough for my body-image and self-esteem. I feel “squishy” and lazy (even though I’m still DOING stuff – just not LIFTING stuff) and maybe that is just transferring into some emotional eating and that’s why I feel like I’m starving all the time and can’t keep my calories in check. It’s all just a roller-coaster, I guess. And chances are I will probably continue to have days or weeks where I feel this way even after I’ve reach goal weight/goal BF%... and so maybe it just boils down to being okay with feeling this way, as long as it’s not perpetual.

Thank you for reading today’s edition of “Jessica Makes A Personal Revelation”. Please tune in next week for episode 3! Lol

Weekly weigh-in and a rest week!

Official weight @ 4/7/13: 190.2 lbs

I forgot to weigh-in on Friday morning, ate a bunch of junk (read: sodium) during the day, and then came in at 190.8 Saturday morning. Saturday I drank more water, but followed it with cheese friends a lot of beer Saturday night – but reflected a half pound difference Sunday morning which is what is reflected here. I think all of this “gain” was nothing more than water-weight. I also did my final “bonus” workout for NROLFW Saturday morning and my muscles were mucho sore so I know I was definitely still retaining water on top of the sodium/beer overload.

I haven’t redone measurements officially yet. I will do that at the end of this week before starting Stage 2 next Monday, BUT after reflecting a 1.5 lb gain on the scale I decided to just measure my waist to make myself feel a little better… and even with the sodium bloat going on, my waist showed a 1” loss! Super excited about that.

I also had a major NSV this weekend – I bought a pair of Gap “boyfriend” jeans… wait for it… in a size 14!! I add the “boyfriend” in there because this particular style is a little looser than their standard boot-cut jean – but it still made me feel HELLA good. I’m also noticing a major difference in my face and my arms are slimmer/shapelier, as well. No chicken wing jiggle!

So this week is my rest week from lifting before moving into Stage 2 of New Rules. My goal was to stay active with some HIIT, yoga, walks, etc. That’s all well and good. So Monday night I did an HIIT workout from FitnessBlender.com (LOVE THIS SITE!!!)… it was only 15 minutes. Then I did a 5 minute cool-down, which mostly consisted of walking around my house. It was sooooo borrrrrriiiinnnnggggg. I hate cardio so much, and this was especially boring because I had invited Mike to do it with me (thinking it would relieve some of his stress from work – it didn’t – more on this in a minute)… so instead of popping in some earbuds and queuing up my “Workout time!” playlist, I just watched the video for the workout and jumped around a lot.. in silence.. while my husband secretly shot me hate-looks… and then quit halfway through because it “wasn’t helping”.

Mike has been so supremely stressed out for about a month now. It’s really taking a strain on our relationship - not in that we are growing apart but more that we get almost no time together even though we are both home at the same times. He’s usually up in our home office working, while I’m downstairs taking care of the normal every day household chores. Even though my workload at home has increased (while work at the office is not really decreasing in any way yet), I feel like I’ve maintained ridiculously well. I’m finding that I’m more organized, more motivated, and a little harder on myself when it comes to making sure I get chores done. I find I am rarely accepting the “I don’t wanna” from myself anymore – this is both good and bad. Good because a lot of the time when I get a case of the I-don’t-wanna’s it is completely unwarranted and someone should just kick my butt and make me empty the damn dishwasher and clean the kitchen. Bad because I think I’m starting to take it a step too far and not allowing myself enough sit-down-and-relax time. This will eventually catch up with me and probably lead me into a downward spiral of tears and it’s-not-fair’s. I’m going to try to center a little bit and plan in some downtime for myself…  after all, it’s occasionally okay to let the dishes wait. I just have to keep telling myself my husband won’t have to work like this forever, and I’ll eventually have my partner back in all aspects of life, from hang-out buddy to chore sharer.

Speaking of my sudden propensity for organization and planning - some other NSV’s for this month so far: I successfully planned dinners for 2 weeks, as well as planned lunches for James for this week. A different something every day so he doesn’t get bored! I’m pretty proud of myself. Now… if only I could get my own breakfast situation in order. Some days I do really well and make the time to make a homemade egg mcmuffin (sans ham), and other days I’m scrambling out the door barely remembering to grab a yogurt. One thing at a time, though, right? I’ve also been making a conscious effort to run at least one load of laundry a day so I can stay caught up. I’ve been pretty successful with this, although there have been one or two days where it hasn’t gotten done. That’s okay.

I came to the realization the other day that I may actually be accepting the fact that I’m a Real Live Adult now. Not only accepting, but enjoying. I feel like I’m finally coming into my own a little bit and feeling comfortable not only in my body, but also in who I am as a person. I don’t find myself caring quite as much about what other people think of me – or even whether or not they like me. I’m happy with myself. I think I always thought I was happy with myself in the past, but this is so much more real. Seems like a strange way to put it, I guess, but it’s the best way I can describe it.

Tonight I’m headed over to a friend’s for Girls Night where there will be much chips and dips to partake in (not to mention drinks!), but I’m not really going to stress on tracking calories. This will definitely be a splurge day, and I’m looking forward to filling it with guacamole, taquitos, and salsa! YUM!! Those things are mostly healthy, right? ;)