A Quick Ramble

I know I keep saying I'm working on a real post.. and I am.. it's just taking some time. I'm feeling very ADD lately and can't seem to keep on track, plus work has been a living hell. I'm beginning to feel like I'll never be un-busy again... and while if it was just a constant stream of tasks that made the day go by faster, that would be one thing. But instead it's been constant high-stress that's making me feel like I'm drowning in wretchedness.

That being said, I've been reading The Primal Blueprint over the last couple weeks and last night I realized something: I have to stop.

I have to stop "educating" myself. Not permanently, but I need to take a break. I'm getting so stressed out about doing the "right" thing, and I'm losing touch with doing the right thing for me.

A little insight into what Primal Blueprint is: it's essentially Paleo, but with a little more flexibility. You are encouraged to eat lots of good fats and all types of proteins and enjoy fruits and vegetables as much as you wish. Dairy and alcohol are used in moderation. The idea is to keep carbs between 50 and 150 grams a day, but that none of these should come from processed grains/sugars. Basically: cut out grains and junk because they spike your insulin and make you feel icky as well as make your body a prime breeding ground for sickness and disease if you aren't careful.

This all makes total sense to me. Fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar makes you fat. I feel like this is a pretty well-known fact at this point. But while it all makes total sense to me... I'm realizing I'm maybe not ready to give up my grains and processed junk food. And I don't have to be. I don't have to give those things up. Maybe someday I will be there, but I almost feel like since I got it in my head to give this primal eating thing a "try", I've been craving carbs and junk more than ever. What good does that do me?! It just makes me miserable!! And it's causing me to have somewhat of a binge/purge mentality. "If I eat this pizza and this bagel and this sugar cereal.. that's okay.. as long as I go run 3 miles tonight."

NO NO NO. A thousand times NO! Eat the pizza, eat the bagel, eat the sugar cereal IF you're hungry for it. Go run 3 miles IF you want to run 3 miles... not because you have to because of the stupid carbs.

I gotta just stop. I might need to quit tracking totally for a while. I know I've said this probably 100 times over the last several months, but seriously. I think it's starting to make me crazy. And I think I'm starting to want to have this "control" over my body and my diet because everything else is feeling so chaotic, and that's just not healthy.

August 3rd will mark my one year anniversary of logging food and exercise every day. And while there have been a few days here and there where not everything has been logged, those were few and far between. Even when I supposedly "took a break" from logging to try to get a handle on my total mental illness over it all -- I was still logging. Once I meet this one-year milestone, I am going to stop logging. I don't know for how long. I may set a date. I may start with my upcoming mini-vacation to see family in Arkansas. I'll be gone for four days. Four days, even if it's filled with restaurant food and beer galore, is not going to ruin 18 months of work. It's just not. It's a start.

*raises a glass (of water)* TO RECLAMING MY MENTAL HEALTH!!