PMS Makes Me Want To Quit Life

But not because of the normal reasons you might think… no bloating or pre-cramping, nothing physical… the feels, they kill me. My emotions are SO high right now and this, for some reason, makes me feel like, Why even bother? Why do I count calories when I just regularly blow my goal out of the water? Why track exercise when it’s never enough to counteract my over-calorie-consumption? Why bother trying to eat healthy when I’m just always going to be fat and overweight anyway?

It’s like the never-ending negativity cycle these last couple weeks, I tell ya. I’m not entirely sure what brought it all on, but it might have something to do with my realization that I’ve been actively trying to lose weight/fat for 18 months now and I feel like I should have hit my goal and then some, but I’m still 20 pounds and 8% body fat away… and then the realization that this is nobody’s fault other than my own. Maybe if I could just get my shit together with my food choices and intake, if I could just really focus on sticking somewhere CLOSE to my macros instead of just essentially ignoring them 90% of the time… I do generally and genuinely feel like I’m good on exercise. I’m finding it easy to be active and enjoying the activities I’m choosing to do. Therefore, it’s got to be the food. There’s a meme going around the fitness communities I’m currently active in that will picture either a sexy lady, a buff dude, or maybe even just a set of weights and it says, “You can’t out-train a poor diet”. I used to think that just simply wasn’t true. When I lost a bunch of weight leading up to my wedding, I was living off of Chipotle, beer, and bar food and looked fabulous! I was also 24 years old and had only had one child at that point. I’m almost 30 now and just recently had another baby… but I’m coming up on the 2 year mark since Nolan was born and I feel like once we hit the 2 year mark I can no longer officially use pregnancy and childbirth as an excuse. It takes 2 years for the female body to recover from all the havoc pregnancy wrecks on it… my 2 years is almost up.

I’m my only excuse. I don’t know if it’s just laziness or if I’m scared or feel like I won’t get support from family/friends (which I guess might fall into the “scared” category) or what! I also, unfortunately, am not really sure how to push through or get over it. I’m also trying to figure out right now if I legitimately feel this way or if this is just hormone-induced-emotional-craziness and if next week I’ll feel totally fine and happy again. I do know that I definitely don’t want to have to go through this self-hate crisis every month!! I just really hate being female sometimes. It’s just such malarkey.

…so I posted on Friday that I was 5 days and 12 hours smoke free. Well that stuck until about an hour after I hit my 6 days mark (at 10:30pm that night) and broke down to my high emotions and anger over a couple things and had a cigarette… and then 2 more. And then 4 more on Saturday night. And 3 more last night… I don’t know what I’m doing at this point. I’m so all over the place. I guess I’m back to the beginning. It just really showed me, though, how it’s totally a drinking and emotional thing for me - 4 beers and getting pissed off and I cracked! It’s like I need to have something to do when I’m upset or angry about something so I don’t punch people… maybe I need to take up boxing?

It was amazing how much harder it was to steady my resolve, as well – all of a sudden Saturday night I found myself thinking, “I don’t really need/want to quit anyway. It’s okay to be a smoker.” NO. Just, NO. But obviously not “no” since I had no problem just up and doing it again last night!

Where has all my willpower gone? When did I become such a pushover to my cravings? For all things! I feel like I’ve been struggling to stay within my budget, too, lately! It’s like I’m currently pursuing every extreme… EAT ALL THE FOOD! DRINK ALL THE BEER! SMOKE ALL THE CIGARETTES! SPEND ALL THE MONEY! And then other days I scare myself a little bit on the other extreme. I find myself thinking that it’s MY body and I can starve it or feed it any way I damn please, and maybe I’ll just go ahead and starve it for a little while just until I see that number I want to see on the scale and THEN… THEN I can just eat at maintenance and bulk and look awesome.

Y’know, ‘cause THAT is healthy and won’t cause a total tank in my metabolism or eat away at my lean muscle mass or make me gain it all back once I go back to “normal” habits or anything.

(That was extreme sarcasm, btw.)

I just don’t understand what has happened/is happening. I’m my own worst enemy these days! There must be some subconscious stressors that I’m not totally tuning in to because aside from this disaster, I’ve been feeling pretty good about life in general.

Any tips or tricks for getting back on track with healthy eating/calorie goals, Readerland?