Can't weight (see what I did there?)

Official weight @ 04/19/2013: I have no idea

I didn’t weigh-in this week. Friday I just forgot, Saturday I didn’t want to because I drank a bunch of beer Friday night and knew I would show a lot of water weight, Sunday I forgot, etc. Then a funny thing occurred to me: I don’t really care how much I weigh right now.

Let me explain: I care how much I weigh – as in, I don’t want to gain back the nearly 30lbs I’ve lost by going back to old eating habits, not exercising, and being a lazy loaf. But I don’t care how much I weigh today, because I know that it’s somewhere around 190 lbs and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while.

I had some custom TDEG/macro numbers run for me last week by an MFP friend who’s currently working toward their Health Coach cert – and I’m not entirely sure I want to use them. I’m not entirely sure I want to eat at a deficit at all right now, actually. Since last Tuesday, I’ve done a couple intuitive eating days – with the same results as the first day: more carbs/sugar than I think I should need/want, under where I want to be on protein, but overall less hungry throughout the day. Maybe I should start listening to my body a little more. Or maybe I just have yet to break my sugar addiction. Maybe a little bit of both.

Announcement: I’m quitting New Rules. I’ve only done one workout of Stage 2 so far and I have a legitimate concern that I’m quickly reaching a point in the program where I really just don’t have and can’t currently afford the type of equipment the program calls for.

Second announcement: I started Stronglifts 5x5 last night. I think this is going to fit into my schedule a lot better than the 55-70 minute long NROLFW Stage 2 workouts. The 5x5’s take me roughly about 30 minutes with warm-up/cool-down. It only requires that I have a dumbbell and barbell set with a bench (2 of these 3 I already own, the 3^rd is soon-to-be-purchased as my belated birthday present), and it’s quick, simple, to the point – and is the routine Arnold Schwarzenegger followed when he was training for Olympic powerlifting. Not saying I want to be an Olympic power lifter… just want a simple, quick lifting routine that isn’t going to take up a massive chunk of my evening while still building strength.

I was worried yesterday that this could very well be my typical “I feel like nothing is working so I’m going to just switch up everything every couple months until I find the ‘magic’ trick that works overnight” routine… I tend to be hard on myself about this in particular, usually telling myself that I’m just “half-assing” my way through getting healthy. But then I realized last night, that it may just be that I get bored easily and so switching things up every couple months helps keep me motivated. And, y’know, if that’s what it takes for me to consistently be working out and continuing my strength training, then so be it!

And now for something completely different…

I spoke a little last week about the emotional downturn I took during my rest week. Those emotions continued to sabotage me all through last week and into this past weekend. What have I learned from this? I’m not sure that I’m the type of person that can take a legit “rest week” without having a replacement exercise routine in place. I told myself I would continue to be active during my rest week – and I did, for the most part. I took walks during my lunch break, I did a Jillian workout, I did a round of HIIT. But I was just sort of willy-nilly all over the place. And then I got really lazy. Lazy and a little depressed. I used my birthday as an excuse to not get my real workout in and then proceeded to schedule social activities for every other night of the week – which I think may have been subconsciously on-purpose (that’s a thing right? Lol). I made myself “too busy” to fit my workout in. Wednesday I managed to make it happen, but Friday I blew it (part of this was the time issue mentioned above – didn’t get home from work/mom’s until nearly 8pm, still had to get my kids to bed – who wants to start an over-hour-long workout at almost 9pm? Clue: NOT ME.). Saturday I had plenty of time, but chose to sit in front of the tv and nap most of the day. Sunday I figured, “Eh, tomorrow is Monday. I’ll just start fresh then.” and spent most of that day in front of the television as well. I don’t know what was up with me. I think part of it is not seeing the results I was expecting with weigh-ins and even with measurements to a certain extent (but I want a 28” waist nooooowwwwww!!). But I also know that I haven’t been putting in my full effort. “Half the effort yields half the results” – yup. So I guess I was emotionally punishing myself, which is ridiculous.

My main goal in this whole thing is to change the way I live my life. Forever. Not just for a few months to get “skinny”. That means it might take months or even years to figure out what will work best for me and what types of things will continually motivate me (such as switching up my workout routine every couple months!). Logically, rationally, I know this. Emotionally? I know this not at all! Emotionally I’m like, “Go ahead. Go ahead and starve yourself for a couple months and do massive amounts of cardio to burn all those calories and shrink down. THEN you can rebuild your lean mass and metabolism.”

NEGATIVE, STUPID EMOTIONS! I will not do those things! I will do this the good and right way! It may take me another 16 months to lose another 27 pounds, and THAT IS OKAY. (ps – I don’t think I WANT to lose another 27 lbs, maybe more like 15, but still.)

I know I had this big “I WILL reach my goal weight in 2013! I WILL reach my goal body fat percentage in 2013! I WILL make it all happen THIS YEAR!” speech a couple months ago… and that attitude is all well and good, except when it’s not and puts you in a place of constant negative- inner-monologue-ing for not reaching the expectations you set for yourself.

To end on a positive note (and NSV): Lately I’ve been getting the “You’ve lost so much weight!” “You’re looking so thin!” compliments from friends and family. Even my doctor told me at my appointment last week, “You must have lost 30 lbs since the last time I saw you!”. It’s nice to notice other people noticing my hard work – and it definitely helps me realize that the work is paying off, even when I might feel like it isn’t.