Excuses, Excuses

I’ve mentioned once or twice about a couple friends who are currently “detoxing” from various things – whether that be smoking, drinking alcohol, junk-food, etc. I mentioned earlier this week that I had some serious thinking and prioritizing to do. I still do. I’m realizing more and more, though, that I make excuses for myself and I’m terrified to commit to anything with concrete boundaries. If you can’t bend the rules to make it work for the way I operate, than I’m not interested. I’m not sure if this is fear of failure, good old fashioned laziness, or fear of learning something about myself I’d just rather not know.

I keep thinking about doing my own little “detox”, but I keep finding reasons not to. For example, this is me: “Today I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work. I’m going out of town next weekend and will definitely want to go out for dinner and drinks… plus the long drive, I might need a cigarette to keep me awake. Hmm… okay, starting when I get back from out of town I will start a 2 week break from drinking and smoking!! …oh, wait. No. That won’t work either. My buddy’s birthday is coming up and I’m definitely going to want to drink some beers for that… and those are all my smoker friends, so I’m definitely going to want to smoke… hmm… okay, after THAT! 2 weeks! No smoking, no drinking! …oh. Wait. FOURTH OF JULY!! You can only celebrate freedom with BEER!! Okay, so – wait, no. Then vacation. Vacation with my in-laws. I may not survive vacation with my in-laws without beer. Also, it’s VACATION! HELLO!!”

…are we noticing a pattern here? Reading over that kind of makes me feel ooky. And by ooky, I mean, like, maybe I need to quit making beer such an important part of my social life.

I go back and forth with this. For example: I rarely drink to drunkenness. Getting drunk is not the purpose of my alcohol consumption. I like the taste of beer and wine and it also helps that its depressant effects act as a calming agent after a stressful workday or dealing with kid issues. I don’t drink every day, but rather 2-3 times a week and consume, on average, 2-3 drinks. There are definitely times where I will have more than that, but those times are few. I still responsibly take care of my children and go to my job like I’m supposed to…BUT… then when I think that I’m literally scared of the prospect of going for a few weeks without consuming a single alcoholic beverage because I couldn’t POSSIBLY attend any sort of social event without consuming ALCOHOL, I think: something is wrong here. If it’s not such a big deal and if I’m so responsible with it, then what’s the difference? Just drink a coke or something! Seriously. And that part kind of makes me hate myself a little bit and makes me feel like a giant hypocrite. It shouldn’t necessarily be about whether or not it’s a convenient time for me to do this – I need to just bite the bullet and make it happen. When I quit smoking in 2010 for a little while (gee, that stuck well, didn’t it?), I quit drinking for about 3 weeks in order help in that process. I still went out and had fun with my friends, I just drank soda instead of beer. It was no big deal except that everyone kept asking if I was pregnant! Lol

I’m not making any official announcement here or anything, as I know that the more pressure I put on myself the more likely I am to sabotage (see: Quit smoking goal for May), but this is something that’s in the works. So, Real Life Friends, if we go out and I’m drinking water or soda instead of beer, just leave it alone and let me do my thing.