Getting There/Changing Attitudes

This is me Monday night:

  

And some muscles, just for fun... look at my shoulders!!

I have no idea how much I weigh and I haven’t taken measurements in over 2 weeks – the last time I calculated body fat (also a couple weeks ago) I’d lost nearly 1% since March, putting me at 30.8% Estimated Body Fat. What I’m wearing isn’t incredibly flattering (especially the bra sweat), but my posture is getting so much better and everything is tightening up nicely. I can see a difference in my body, and I like it. I’m getting there – slowly, so very painfully slowly, but surely.

Here’s the weird part: I feel like I am epic failing in every aspect of my life lately, even though that is lightyears away from the truth and reality. The only goal for May that I haven’t accomplished is “Quit Smoking”. Everything else I’m succeeding in! I’m back on my lifting program (I even have Mike doing it with me now!) and I haven’t stepped on the scale since May 3^rd. I think getting away from the scale has been really healthy for me. It’s allowing me to focus so much more on my body composition changes, the fit of my clothing, feeling comfortable in my skin – the actual important stuff, instead of the bizarre fascination with one type of measurement. As far as the smoking… like I said last week, I’m not even trying. And I’m in this place of wondering if this is one of those things where it’s okay to give into the “I don’t wanna” for a while longer and let it all come naturally.

I also haven’t even attempted to cut back on my social drinking. Again, it’s the I-Don’t-Wannas. I keep thinking back to conversations about these things with my counselor last summer (who is no longer practicing anywhere I can find, and I feel like I NEED HER RIGHT NOW!!), and remembering her telling me to stop focusing so hard on things that aren’t real problems and trying to make them real problems. That I should just focus on being a healthy person emotionally and physically, and when I’m ready to not do something anymore I’ll know it and just… stop doing it.

Gee, that sure does seem logical, doesn’t it? Go figure.

I obviously can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for myself: I am in good health, I exercise regularly, and I eat my fruits and veggies like I’m supposed to (finally). I do eat junk food, but I try to stick with an 80/20 split between “clean” eating and “whatever I want to stuff my face with”. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s almost more important for me to focus on sleeping enough… if I could get a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep, I probably wouldn’t be on as much of a depression roller-coaster as I have been since Daylight Savings began.

…stupid Daylight Savings screwing up everybody’s body rhythms. I used to love you, DST!! You used to be good to me!!

Perhaps if I were getting enough sleep, my willpower and motivation levels would also be higher, hence leading to an easier time in breaking bad habits and controlling my vices – not to mention the other things I haven’t even mentioned such as: staying within my budget, getting back on track with meal planning, and keeping my house tidy.

It’s certainly something to think on. Unfortunately, it also takes willpower to make myself NOT stay up all hours of the night watching tv/drinking beer/smoking/hanging out with family and/or friends, and I seem to be severely lacking in this department currently. Once again, another blog post about all my “wishes” and needing to get my priorities straight and yet still having no progress and no answers!

Okay, that’s not entirely true. There I go again, dismissing my progress with my exercise and eating habits! We’ll call it Veruca Salt Syndrome. I want it ALL and I want it NOW. But that’s not how life works, is it folks? I guess it’s time to slow it down, stop bullying myself, be okay with where I am and really focus on the positives I’m continuing to accomplish and let those nasty automatic negative thoughts go back to their deep dark cave to rot.

Do you, Dear Readers, have a tendency to focus on the negatives and hang the positives out to dry? Do you sometimes make mountains out of molehills with your unhealthy habits?