Getting back into the groove (I hope)

I don't think I mentioned this in any of my posts last week - but I went to the gym twice and took a couple walks on my lunchbreaks!!! Very excited about that. I'll be back in the gym this afternoon after work and since this weekend will not be anywhere near as busy as last week I'm shooting to workout at least 3 times - Tues, Thurs, and Sat.

I had a total smoker breakdown over the weekend as you could probably tell from my last recap... I don't really know what it is other than I'm just not ready to give up that disgusting habit that defines me. I'm having a lot of subconscious stress right now and I'm 100% sure that's what continues to trigger me into just letting myself lapse. What's even more stupid about it? I don't "nic fit". I don't crave that cigarette fix... it is totally a social thing for me. That's why this whole day-counting for me is just a bunch of bullshit... gee, Jess, sure that's great you've gone 5 days without a cigarette - don't you ALWAYS go 5 days without a cigarette until Friday night rolls around and you hang out with your friends? Yes. Yes, I do. And so going 5 days without smoking it really not a milestone for me... it's a weekly occurrence. Even when I considered myself a "heavy smoker".

Dumb. I'm dumb.

Daily Recap 3/21:

• breakfast: whole wheat english muffin w/ half tbsp of Earth Balance (vegan butter spread - lots of omega 3's) and half tbsp of strawberry jam
• am snack: apples w/ peanut butter
• lunch: bean burrito and regular taco from Taco Bell w/ about 8oz. if Mountain Dew
• dinner: 2 slices of thin-crust supreme pizza leftover from Sunday night
• 3 cigarettes
• $3 spent on lunch
• 11:30pm bedtime

edit: I absolutely went to the gym today and burned about 450 calories at that! I'm regularly hitting that mark. I found out recently that my calories are always about half of what my heart monitor says they are so my HM said I burned 922 - I take that to mean about 450. Just fyi.

Oddly enough even though I spend about 50 minutes doing actual exercise today I felt like I didn't push myself hard enough. I was pretty depressed about some things today... which I imagine I may be pretty depressed about for a while until I can get myself together and maybe meditate a little bit on some things... anyway, my point is that all day I looked forward to getting to the gym and being able to just listen to my iPod and focus on exercise - I did just that. I really wish I could lift weights everyday. I absolutely would. But I know that with the semi-heavy lifting I'm doing currently that would hurt me more than help me toward my fat burning goals. Cardio doesn't provide the same focus for me as lifting does - so the idea of going and just being on the elliptical for 20 minutes doesn't quite have the same appeal but I'm going to shoot to do that anyway. I'll go ahead and post what I've eaten so far today since I pretty much know what the rest of my evening is going to look like.

Today, 3/22:

• breakfast: whole wheat english muffin w/ half tbsp earth balance and half tbsp strawberry jam
• am snacks: apples w/ peanut butter
• lunch: footlong turkey on wheat w/ provolone, lettuce, cucumber, bell pepper, onion, pickles, pepper relish, and mustard and white chocolate macadamia cookies
• dinner: 3oz. of sirloin steak
• post-dinner: grande skim chai latte
• 50 minute workout
• $10 spent on lunch and starbucks
• no cigarettes so far
• shooting for 11pm bedtime