I'm sure it's been pretty obvious to anyone who follows this blog that I haven't posted all week. I honestly just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was completely crushed after last Saturday's weigh-in. I pretty much just gave up this week.
I continued to count calories, but only at the end of the day and mainly just to see how much over I was going every day. Honestly, I didn't do too poorly overall. But I ate and drank what I wanted, didn't exercise, and pretty much just sat around feeling miserable and sorry for myself most of the week. I almost has a breakdown last night about what to wear out for a bit - I was completely disgusted with myself and the negative inner-monologue was going full-force.
Unfortunately telling yourself how much you hate you doesn't do much in the way of motivation. And you know what REALLY doesn't help? Stepping on the scale this morning to find that I lost 1.5 lbs in the last 7 days.
What. The. Hell.
I basically did everything wrong and I lost weight. I'm so over this.. the really messed up part is after completely freaking last night because I felt like I looked sooooo fat, convinced I had to be back up over 200lbs just because of how disgusting I looked, all day today I feel like I look super awesome and it's all because of that stupid number on the scale.
Perception is an amazing thing, ladies and gents. An amazing thing indeed.
I think maybe I give up on trying to damn hard. I think maybe I need to chill out and stop putting so much pressure on myself. I need to stop focusing on the vanity and start focusing on the health factors instead. There are lots of reasons I need to lose another 30lbs. and 99% of them are for health, to make my body love me and to be able to love my body in return -- not just because it LOOKS good but because it FEELS good and it does the things it's supposed to do.
So tonight I'm going to go out with my husband and have a delicious dinner at Olive Garden with some good friends of ours. Instead of calculating calories with every bite of breadstick I take, I'm going to focus on the conversation and having a good time. I'm not going to beat myself up tomorrow for eating what I want. I'm not going to overeat and I'm not going to indulge in junk-food and high-saturated-fat food every day from here on effectively ruining the last 5 months of hard work, but I will start loving myself more and stop hating myself for not being my own ideal. By doing this I WILL (not hope, not try) have more motivation to take care of myself, to exercise, if for nothing more than to have the energy to do the things I enjoy doing and the things I want to do - and that includes being able to have days (consecutively at that) where I can eat and drink whatever I want without being a human calorie calculator feeding myself a negative monologue the entire time.
I think this sounds like a good plan, Jess.
ReplyDeleteOn losing weight after doing "everything wrong": maybe it's because your weeks and weeks of diet/exercise has sped up your metabolism enough to where it immediately burned everything off (and a little more) when you fed your body stuff it wasn't used to? I don't know if there's any logic to that. You probably know a lot more about the technical ins and outs of this than I do, as you've been doing it hardcore for quite a while now!
Either way, I think concentrating on the health/mental side of being fit is a much better idea. I was actually just talking about this on MY blog this morning! That's usually what I have to do in order to stick to any routine for any real period of time (otherwise I tend to just rebel against myself)...then the weight loss is just an extra bonus.
Best of luck!
Thanks, Jennifer! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with ya girl. I've been struggling lately. Like nothing I do is good enough for me. I think it's time to work hard, take things seriously, but not abuse myself for momentary slips or failures. I'm never going to be perfect and that's okay. I suggest that you do the same, girl. You've done a great job, and you should celebrate your victories, not mourn your failures.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mo! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is an awesome post, Jess. I think we all need to try to stop with the self-hate and focus more on the important things.
ReplyDeleteAs far as losing the weight, my guess is that it probably should have been lower when you weighed yourself at the end of the 5 week challenge. But maybe due to being sick and not eating much, your body was storing fat, and once you started eating more again, it let go of all that. Who knows! But that's awesome and I think your new plan sounds like a good one!
Thanks, Emily! :)
ReplyDeleteps
Most comments I've ever gotten on a single post, I think lol