Starting Level 3/Photos

First and foremost - check out my new kicks:

Hells yeah! They're Reebok RealFlex Scream's - and I love them. I have a pair of RealFlex Transitions I bought shortly after Nolan was born, but my feet were still so fat and swollen from, well... being fat and swollen... that I had to buy an 11 at the time. Now that I've lost the babyweight and then-some, I'm back to my normal size 10.

Last Wednesday night I began Level 3 of 30 Day Shred - almost a week ago now (it's taken me SO LONG TO DRAFT THIS!). It's intense! 100% more intense than Level 2. I don't know what to do with myself. My first run through I couldn't finish more than 4 or 5 reps of some of the exercises. Day 2? Much better. But doing 30 squat-jumps in 30 seconds is hard. Renegade rows with leg raises? Also freaking HARD. Doing 20 of them? Nearly impossible. I took two rest days over the weekend, as this Level has really been hurting the muscles - especially the abs. Better to rest than to rip your abdominals - that's what I always say! (okay, not really. This is actually the first time.) So I'm currently on Day 5.

Here are my End Level 2/Begin Level 3 photos:

 

 Now please enjoy this picture of my lady muscles:

I'm pretty proud looking at these pictures. Especially the definition in my arms. Want. More.

Right now I'm trying to lay out my plan of action for post-30 Day Shred. I had originally wanted to move right into Ripped In 30 (this is what I said in my prior post, actually). But now I'm reconsidering. Even though my fitness level has increased quite a bit since starting 30DS and I had an initial big change in measurements - my stats are disappointing me. I originally had thought Ripped in 30 was more strength oriented, but it isn't. It's basically just a revved up version of 30DS. While 30DS has been an excellent workout and aspects have been challenging, I'm not seeing as much change in my body as I'd like to.

I picked up The New Rules of Lifting for Women back in November. I'm re-reading it currently, and thinking I may really want to give that a try. The whole program is a 6 month commitment, but Stage 1 is just 8 weeks. It may be worth giving it 8 weeks and seeing the difference between heavy weight circuit training vs "barbie weight"/high rep circuit training. I would definitely throw some HIIT in there, too, which the plan allows for. I hate cardio in general, but I'm learning to love HIIT. I mostly love that it only takes 15-20 minutes, creates an insane after-burn and has more benefits than traditional steady-state cardio.

Part of this stall/plateau with my weight loss is my diet, and I fully understand that. I also understand that I can only tackle one thing at time right now with my personal and professional stress level. Last year it was easier for me to focus on calorie intakes, this year it's easier to focus on exercise. Once I'm officially addicted to getting a near-daily training session in, we'll focus more intently on that whole "clean eating" deal. I've been doing much better the last couple weeks. But don't expect to see any kind of VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) or even what most people would consider a "low calorie diet" from this girl. After much research and reading, I've found that regularly eating below your BMR/RMR (basal/resting metabolic rate) can destroy your current lean muscle mass - add a ridiculous amount of cardio to that? Well, you can say bye-bye to your resting metabolism. Occasionally having a day here or there where you eat below your BMR/RMR isn't going to kill you - obviously. People do it every day. For years, even. It's essentially our modern standard of a "diet". But doing it regularly can cause long-term, and sometimes permanent damage to the way your metabolism operates due to the decrease in lean muscle mass. Sure, you'll be skinny. Skinny and soft and flabby.

I'd much rather my weight loss/fat loss take me another year following the TDEE (Total Daily Energy Expenditure) minus 15-20% method while regularly lifting heavy things, than drop 30 lbs in 2 months only to gain back the moment I go back to eating "normally". And honestly? If I could just break the indoctrination of thinking the scale is what matters, I'd be good. If I could be at 22% body fat and weigh 191.2 lbs, I'm just going to go out on a limb and say: I'd be totally okay with that. The possibility that I would still weigh that much at 22% body fat? Not likely. But it is likely that I might weigh 175 lbs at that percentage, which right now is quite a bit higher than my current "goal weight" ideal.

I feel like I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely. Part of me thinks this plateau has been a good thing. It's forced me to look at how the shape of my body is changing instead of just the number on that stupid scale.  ...if I'm still seeing "191.2" in another month, it may be time to think about replacing my scale battery lol!

I have had some encouraging milestones. I've had a number of non-scale victories over the last couple weeks - a major one has been feeling more comfortable in my clothes. I don't stress out nearly as much over what I'm going to wear for work. I just pull something out of my closet and go! That's huge for me.

I'm really looking forward to wrapping 30 Day Shred and moving on to something different, whether that be Ripped In 30 or NROLFW. I'm also really proud of myself for sticking with a routine for the last 5 weeks! I definitely recommend the Jillian Michaels' DVDs for anyone who has a tendency to get bored with workouts. The moment you start getting that glazed-over look, it's time to start a new workout! It's helped me stay on track, for sure.

Well, this post sort of petered out since it took me nearly a week to draft and I continually was interrupted by life. I guess I may need to start sacrificing some of that TV time for blogging time... soon it will be May and all the shows will be over for the season. Part of me is pretty excited about that. Ha.

I have this brilliant idea of coming up with a blog "schedule", if you will - where I update about specific things on specific days... for example: Wine Wednesday - where I shall review a wine for you every week! Fat Fridays - weigh-in days and updates! ...maybe not "fat" Friday... maybe "fit" Friday would be better... etc, etc. You get the idea. I'm brainstorming it right now. Don't get your hopes up too high. We all know how long it takes me to get it together with this damn thing.

Hope you all are doing well out there in Reader Land! Stay tuned, don't abandon me!!

Coming Soon!!

A new and heavily researched post! It's taking me forever! I'm sorry!

Also - I may be coming up with an actual "schedule" for posts... like talking about certain things on certain days... so force myself to be better about updating.

Love you all!!

Lots of catching up!

It's February already! AHH!

Well… I completed only one of my January goals, and that was to start 30 Day Shred. I did not do a single yoga session with James but on a positive note: he has done a couple 30DS workouts with me, and has been having mostly “green” days in school, so we must be doing something right lately.

I ate worse in January than I have in months. The holidays can’t even compare to the amount of fast-food and restaurant food that was consumed last month. So for February my goals are to:

• Break the fast-food habit
• Finish up 30DS
• Do at least ONE yoga workout with my kid during the month

Friday James and I went to check out a taekwondo school that offers aftercare services as well, but it seems like a huge commitment, and I'm not entirely sure he's interested in it. He did, however, earn his yellow belt in judo last week! So maybe we should just stick to judo for now.

Friday was weigh-in as most of you know… in which I reached a full month of plateau:

Official weight @ 02/01/2013: 191.2 lbs

That number is just too familiar to me these days. I would like very much to say bye-bye to the 190s. After doing some research and getting some advice from some friends over at MFP, I’m taking my calories back down to a solid 1800 for at least the next 2 weeks.

I hate counting calories.

By the end of this year I will be at goal weight and/or body fat and maintaining a regular exercise routine complete with heavy lifting and regular HIIT cardio… at which point I may actually allow myself to quit counting calories for a little while to see how I do. Sometimes, I’m afraid I actually eat more when I’m counting… like I look at that app and I see, “You have 542 calories left for today!” and I go find something to eat to just get those calories in. I’m a weirdo, I don’t know what else to tell you. But, anyways, that’s not really anything I should worry about right now since I’m very much not in maintenance mode, and need to be in losing mode.

Okay, so I haven’t lost weight… but I did do my BF% Saturday morning using a 3-point caliper measurement:

Official estimated body fat percentage @ 2/1/2013: 33.6%

1% loss in a little under 2 weeks – I’ll take it. Well, I have to take it because it’s the only thing to take… sigh.

I am officially past the half-way mark on 30DS and I'm still really enjoying it. Yesterday I did a catch-up workout for what I missed Thursday, and I don't know what my deal was but it was SO HARD. It was day 8 of Level 2, so I'm totally confused as to why it would all of a sudden be rough.. but my energy level was non-existent. I felt like I was going to die from minute 2 of the warm-up. I hope I'm not fighting germs. Hoping tonight will be better. I can't believe I start Level 3 in just 2 days! I previewed it the other day... more sneaky ab work! I'm excited for it, though.

I ordered Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30 the other day. I'm going to start that. February 18th or somewhere around that date. If I do 30DS every day from this point forward, my final day will be February 15th. That's my plan, but I may need a rest day or two in there. Over-training won't help me at all. If I don't wrap until later in the month, my plan is to do HIIT until I hit a Monday to start Ripped in 30. Ripped in 30 also comes with a diet plan which might be good for me since I've been so crappy on my eating lately.

Coming up, for anyone who wants to participate: 30 days alcohol free. I believe I'll be doing it in March, with a possible exception for St. Patrick's day, because I can't deny my Irish heritage lol.

This was an idea I came up with a while back when I was having a drink or two almost every day, plus my normal splurging on weekends - I thought doing this would also help me quit smoking totally. Since that time I have cut back significantly. I rarely drink Sun-Thurs, and even on the weekends I'll have 2, maybe 3 drinks in the evenings, but usually only if I go out somewhere. I didn't even have a beer for Super Bowl this past weekend! This has also helped me cut back on smoking. I would say I'm smoking less-than 10 cigarettes a week. Last week I only had 6, and most of those were Friday night because, well, work sucks right now and drinking a bottle of wine sounded like a good idea. See the alcohol/cigarette correlation for me? We'll see.

So that's what's been going on with me. I am super sorry I have been so terrible about updating lately. I am in my “busy season” at work, and it’s been absolute hell. I am so tired, so stressed out, and so riled up about everything lately. I get home and just want to eat my dinner, do my workout, and go to bed. So that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing. It’s been rough, and April cannot get here fast enough – both for the weather and for the end of this crappy work season.

As promised! Level 2 pics

Okay, so this is almost 48 hours late... but, hey.. at least I'm getting it done. I even got some "booty" shorts so you guys can see all the gory details of my currently-overweight body! Also: stay tuned for an actual update probably later today.

End of Level 1/Start of Level 2 pics:

191.2 lbs, 1/21/13

Alcohol is a depressant – WHO KNEW?! Also: 30DS Level 2 stats

I missed two workouts last week – Tuesday and Friday. I had full intentions of catching up Saturday and Sunday. Saturday was a go – I got out of bed, got motivated, got it done. BOOM. Then I went out for drinks for a friend’s birthday… lots of drinks. Sunday I was in a funk and pretty depressed the whole day.

Did you guys know alcohol is a depressant?!

Obviously that was sarcasm… but I guess I never really made the connection for myself, the way my body reacts, as lots of drinks equaling mini depression the following day. But this time I definitely felt it/saw it.

There was no rallying for Shredding on Sunday. I had a brief moment of motivation around 6pm, which fleeted rather quickly. Andrea was going to come Shred with me that night around 8:30pm – I really didn’t want to do it, but when you have someone specifically coming over to workout with you it’s a little rude to just be like, “oh, hey, thanks for coming – I don’t wanna anymore”. I was dreading it but at the same time knew it would really make me feel better. I would feel a million times better. So I resolved myself to get it done at 8:30pm. Well, around 7:45pm I got a text asking if we should just “shred now” and then we could get busy just hanging out later in the evening – yes! Yes, let’s do that! I went upstairs to put on my gym clothes. Let’s just get it done, I thought to myself. Well… that was the moment my 7 year old decided to start arguing with me over bedtime. This argument spiraled into a full-blown meltdown. That lasted for an hour.

Bye-bye chance for exercising. Bye-bye motivation to do anything but have a glass of wine and feel sorry for myself. Bye-bye chance for mommy time and taking care of my own health and happiness.

Siiiiiiiigggghhhhhhhh.

It may seem like I’m being a big whiner, but I feel like this is a big part of why I haven’t been able to reach my goals yet. A) I have mommy guilt and therefore focus my “free” time on doing stuff for my children and/or family and/or around the house instead of taking care of my body, or B) I get in this “What’s the point when someone is just going to need me as soon as I start a workout anyway?”, which is SO TRUE. Out of the 9 workouts I’ve done for 30 Day Shred, 6 of those have been in the midst of being asked a billion little kid questions, yelling at James to quit standing in front of the TV, and/or almost stepping on him/smashing him in the face with a dumbbell.

I should have spent this weekend transforming my basement into my Home Gym area. We have a TV down there. We have a DVD player down there. Unfortunately both of those things are completely buried beneath millions of toys that never get played with and stuff that is supposed to be living in our storage area – NOT in the middle of the basement floor. Unfortunately my husband regularly mistakes middle-of-the-basement-floor with storage-room.

…then there’s the issue of being a tall person and having a low basement ceiling. But I need to get over that. It’s not SO low. It’s still, like, I dunno – 7 ft. Just not the 9ft ceilings we have in our living room on the main level. #firstworldproblems

Okay, so even though I have not officially finished Level 1 (which I WILL do tonight and maybe even FOLLOW it with Level 2!! AHH! LUNACY!), I’m going to go ahead and provide Level 2 starting measurements – updates in blue:

Weight: 189.6 lbs / 191.2 lbs

Estimated Body Fat: 32.5% / 34.6% (I TOTALLY measured myself wrong the first time. This time around I also used the 3-point caliper measurement instead of just using my belly measurement. Had I used just my belly measurement for this, my estimate was closer to 36%. So: 34.6% NEW starting measurement.)

Chest (across bust w/sports bra on): 39” / 38” (same sports bra worn for accuracy)

Waist: 34.5” / 33”

Waist at naval: 39” / 37”

Hips: 45” / no change

Bicep (flexing): 12.5" / 12"

Thigh: 26” / no change

As you can see, there is quite a difference at my waist/waist at naval measurements! Hips haven’t changed at all, but I don’t expect this measurement to change until I lose another 10-15lbs. I am a pear. Most of my weight is in my hips/thighs. Plus my butt is definitely, erm, perkier? Maybe I should put it this way: I actually have the beginnings of having a butt now instead of being cursed with perpetual “white girl butt”, ie: WIDE AND FLAT.  A lost half an inch off my arms – super excited about that! However, gaining almost 2lbs = major disappointment. But looking at my measurements I know I should get the hell off the scale and just focus on measurements and body fat.  …I’m just not ready yet.

I will be posting end-of-level-1/beginning-of-level-2 pictures later tonight!

Finding The New Old Me

Yesterday, straight from work, I went out to dinner with my mother-in-law (who is also the owner of the company where I work). We had a really wonderful dinner and a great time talking about not only work and our office culture, but just visiting and getting to know one another a little better. Also: Outback Steakhouse is delicious. I ordered the "petit filet and shrimp on the barbie" combo. It comes with a little loaded baked potato as well. I was more than pleasantly surprised to look up the calories when I got home and see that it came in UNDER 600 calories. Amazing. AND delicious.

However, when I came home I had a momentary moment of "I don't wanna" and didn't get my workout in. (Did you like that? "a momentary moment" - I am a brilliant writer!)

It's amazing the difference I felt at certain points during the day and tonight. I think I didn't notice over the weekend when I was "resting" because I was too busy staying up too late with my mom, my husband, etc. and figured the fatigue was just from being stupid and getting only 4 hours of sleep at night... but this morning, it was a little harder to get out of bed, and this evening when I got home from work it was a LOT harder to motivate to get the workout done. I also started feeling oddly bummed and borderline depressed kind of out of nowhere. I said to Mike, "I don't want to do my exercises... I just want to lounge on the couch while I eat junk food, drink beer and watch tv with you." And thank goodness for my husband, because he said to me, "Well, you can do all of those things AFTER you get your workout done. It'll make you feel better. You always feel better after exercising."

He was super right.

I went and put my workout clothes on and got to it as soon as the baby went to bed. I felt so much better. That weird depression funk - gone. Those junk food cravings - gone. I may still indulge in a beer and some tv with the hubby - but I think those two things are perfectly okay. :)

Another awesome thing? I think I'm already noticing a difference in my body - as in, the way it looks. That's CRAZY! It's only been a week! But I feel like my thighs are already shedding their cellulite and toning up like-whoa, there's a difference in my arms, and my posture is definitely improving. I wish I was seeing more changes in my belly area... but... that will come. It's always the last thing to go. Plus... I previewed level 2 tonight and.. it's all sneaky ab work. The strength is sneaky ab work, the cardio is sneaky ab work, and the ab work.. well... that's ab work, without the sneak...

But as I was getting ready to do my workout, well - remember the other day when I posted about how I've been keeping my room clean and my bed made and all that goodness? I noticed that today... and JUST today... I noticed that I was sort of just throwing crap all over my room/bed again and it looked really messy. I was in that weird depression funk and so the negative inner-monologue started up immediately - "See, I knew you couldn't keep up with it. You're not really changing. You're not really trying to be a new you." (I am so shitty to myself, right?! What a jerk. I would never stay friends with someone who spoke to me that way, yet I am constantly telling myself those kinds of things. Sigh) and so on and so on and so forth... well, I stopped myself. And I immediately cleaned off my bed. Just because my room was messy for one day, didn't mean I would never keep it in order again. Just like just because I didn't workout yesterday, didn't mean I was going to just give up and quit altogether. And I realized: right now, I am working to become the new old me.

I'll explain: Way back in the day, before stupid bad boyfriends and out-of-wedlock children, before moving to the desert and back, before growing older and growing up - I was a shockingly well-adjusted teenager who really liked having a clean room. A clean bathroom, not so much... but mostly just because I hate cleaning bathrooms (which is why that is now Mike's job). That surprisingly well-adjusted teenager also was skinny and fairly active in her everyday life, which is probably how she stayed so skinny. Also eating meals at home (cooked by my wonderful mother) 90% of the time.

So here I am struggling to become myself again. To become a new old me. The first part of that started by working to shed the excess weight, and now I'm working on keeping my environment tidy which seems to really help keep my emotional health "tidy" as well. Now that's morphing into just being happy with myself. Being okay with who I am and working on being a better wife, mother, friend, sister, and daughter. I have a long way to go. The last time I can really remember knowing who I was and feeling confident in myself was when I was 17. It was just shortly after that when some poor decisions were made on my part (after just coming out of a phase of making really really just plain bad decisions), and I completely lost myself. I am really excited to feel like I might actually be able to succeed in being who I really want to be.

So I'm just going to give myself a big pat on the back for fighting that negative inner-monologue, getting back on track with my exercise even though I was really wrapped up in my mini depression, and tidying up my space even though it seemed totally overwhelming (even though it was just a little bit of stuff). Go me!


P.S.
Hooray for my husband cleaning the bathrooms tonight and also vacuuming the whole main floor of the house when he got home from work!

30 Day Shred - Week2/Day6

So far so good, Dear Readers!

I have completed 5 days of 30DS and I'm feeling so great about this workout! It's easy for me to motivate to do it because I know it's only going to take me 20-25 minutes to get through the whole thing. That's awesome. I was even able to fit in a workout on my lunch break the other day so I could go meet up with some girlfriends for happy hour after work. It was definitely cutting it close since the workout makes me so damn sweaty that I had to be sure to get a shower in too, but it is definitely nice to know that if I need to I can make it work. There is something to be said for something that makes me feel like I HAVE time for it, versus something I must MAKE time for.

The only disappointment I have: my scale tells me I gained weight.

Official weight @ 1/11/2013: 191.8 lbs

That’s 2.2 lbs. That seems a little ridiculous, but I know I am probably retaining water hardcore from jumping into an everyday workout routine that includes strength training. We’ll see what the scale reveals next Friday after I adapt into things a little better. I’m feeling like I shouldn’t let the stupid scale get me down, but I won’t lie: there is part of me that is a little discouraged. Fortunately, there’s a larger part of me that is like “WHATEVER SCALE! You don’t know ANYTHING! I’m going to do this, and look AWESOME!” – so yay for that inner-monologue haha! I will also be taking “end of level 1” measurements next Friday (or possibly Saturday morning). 

And now to just randomly jump into food related things! A couple weeks ago I cut my daily calorie intake back to 1800 since I was doing little-to-no exercise and had hit a plateau at 191 for a month. It worked! I lost a few pounds. But now I’m working out again – 5 days a week, and I’m regularly only netting about 1200-1400 calories after my workout burn and then my “Fitbit adjustment”. I’m starting to worry I may not be eating enough. See, my FitBit has been telling me that just being me and doing what I normally do (without on-purpose exercise, just walking around, going up and down stairs, etc.), I average a daily burn at about 2600 calories/day. Mon-Fri are generally a bit lower since I have a desk job, but I am now exercising Mon-Fri. I’m thinking about upping my calorie intake, but I’m trying to do a little more research on net calories first.

This is very quickly making me wish I just didn’t track calories at all, but I know I’m nowhere near active enough to just blow off tracking for any amount of time at all other than maybe a day or two. I also feel like I’m wanting to splurge a lot more lately. I’m hungrier. That probably has something to do with adding regular exercise into my life… metabolism boost and all of that. I’m trying to sate that hunger with healthy foods instead of high-cal restaurant options… but sometimes Mexican food just calls my name. And by calls, I mean screams its demands that I eat it until I just can’t take it anymore and finish a whole bowl of salsa and basket of chips along with those enchiladas covered in sour cream sauce.

Ohmygoodness, I just made myself super hungry typing that out. *dies*

I’ve been working on going to bed at decent times for the last week, which I’m getting much better at with the exception of this weekend when both Friday and Saturday I decided staying up until nearly 3am was an excellent idea.

I’ll give you some advice: it’s not. EVER.

It is NEVER a good idea to stay up that late, but especially not a good idea when you have young children that get up between 6 and 7am every day. Without fail. So aside from Saturday and Sunday morning, I have been waking up feeling refreshed and well-rested even when it is 6:30am. Now I just need to take this newfound bright-eyed feeling and apply it to doing, y’know, some kind of yoga or even busting out the Shred in the morning instead of spending it lounging on my couch while I take in some Arthur and Curious George on PBS.

…those shows are so good, though. Especially Arthur. Love me some Arthur.

Another thing I’ve been doing every day that has made me feel especially good: making my bed and putting away any clothes in the floor – whether those go to the hamper or get folded and put back in the dresser/closet. It’s amazing! My room feels so uncluttered (even though it’s not really), and I think it’s part of what helps me sleep better and wake up refreshed in the mornings. 

I'm really impressed with myself and the positive changes I'm making. My only criticism of myself this last week is that I've fallen out of habit of cooking dinner. That will be one of my main focuses this week, get back on track with the cooking!

Before I close out this post, I want to say how super proud I am of my girl Andrea for doing the 30 Day Shred with me! We both struggled hard once winter hit to stay motivated to workout and we both stalled in our weight loss - so go you, Andrea! Thanks for doing this with me and staying motivated!! :)

30 Day Shred – Day 1 Pics and Measurements

Please find below my official Day 1 measurements and “before” pictures!

Weight: 189.6 lbs

Estimated Body Fat: 32.5%

Chest (across bust w/sports bra on): 39”

Waist: 34.5”

Waist at naval: 39”

Hips: 45”

Bicep (flexing): 12.5”

Thigh: 26”

A real update will be coming soon!!!

Pleasant Surprises & 30 Day Shred Start

I stepped on the scale Friday morning (after almost forgetting to weigh-in before layering up and running out the door to work), and was pleasantly surprised:

Official weight at 1/4/2013 (first weigh-in of the New Year!): 189.6 lbs

Woo! Finally got through that 191 plateau and am .3 lbs lighter than I was when I first dipped under the 190 mark.

I think cutting my calories back to the 1800 mark definitely has helped. I thought it would be so hard to cut back down after being at 2,000 for those few months (even though it’s only a 200 calorie difference) – but it’s been surprisingly easy. I’m regularly staying under the 1800 mark, which I attribute to eating at home more and trying to eat more “clean” in general.

Today (1/7/12), I begin Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred with my friend Andrea! I’m actually really excited about it and I am hoping I’ll get the results I’m hoping for… I’m also hoping not to be totally devastated and disappointed if I don’t get the results I’m hoping for. I feel like I have a little bit of a high standard for this thing since soooo many folks on MyFitnessPal rave about it and have posted some amazing before/after pictures. I need to try to be realistic about it, though. The program is meant to be done 6-7 days a week, and I’ll be doing it 5. And if I want to be honest, there will probably be times where I will only be able to get 4 workouts in during the week. I have 2 young children. Shit happens. But I am excited and motivated nonetheless! If for nothing more than to get into some kind of regular exercise routine, whether this actually works like I want it to or not.

I feel terrible that I’ve completely abandoned my weight-lifting books. It’s something I definitely want to get back into and focus on. Maybe that will be one of my February goals – “LIFT WEIGHTS!”.

So speaking on motivation, I actually started getting my home together this weekend. I rearranged my living to be more functional and cozy. I hung artwork. I got new lamps for my bedroom and cleaned up the 3 foot pile of not-clean/not-dirty clothes living next to my side of the bed. I mopped my kitchen floor. I ran laundry, I did dishes. I even MADE MY BED this morning. I haven’t made my bed since I was 16 years old. That is a real and true fact. A sad, real and true fact.

It all felt SO AMAZING!! I hope I can keep up with it. I attribute this all to the sun actually being out this weekend, and the fact that it is now still light outside when I leave work for the day. Two very important things for the life of Jessica. The only thing I totally failed on was getting out of bed this morning. I wanted to sleep forever. That may have something to do with not going to bed until 12:30am. …going to bed earlier = something I need to work on…

I’m taking a bunch of official measurements tonight for 30 Day Shred, so I will post those probably tomorrow.

Anyone else experiencing a little boost in energy as the daylight hours grow more plentiful?

2012 In (short) Review

Well, 2012 has ended and 2013 officially begun. It has now been a year since I jumped back into the "lose weight" game. Now for some stat comparison!

January 2012:

• weight: 216 lbs
• chest: 43" (across bust)
• waist: 37"
• hips 48.5"
• thighs: 28"
• biceps flexing: 13"

January 2013:

• weight: 191 lbs
• chest: 39" (across bust)
• waist: 34"
• hips: 44.5"
• thighs: 26"
• biceps flexing: 12.5"
• estimated body fat: 32.5%

Overall loss: 25 lbs/13.5 inches

Not too shabby. Last year when I restarted my weight-loss journey after having my second baby I stated that I wanted to focus on waist-not-weight. Well, a year of trying to convince myself that’s better hasn’t gotten me anywhere. My waist has been the same size for almost 6 months, but my weight continues to ever-so-slowly creep lower. I know that 191 lbs is not where I should be - even if I had a bunch of muscle mass I’d be at 180, maybe. But I’m thinking if I were at 22% body fat, I’d be closer to about 170 lbs.

My goal weight is 160 lbs. My goal body fat is 22%. I fully expect to meet these goals by 12/31/2013. However, I will say that meeting the body fat % goal is much more important to me. If I get to 22% BF and weigh 175 lbs, that is soooo okay.

I will continue to weigh-in weekly. I will continue to take measurements (both tape and caliper) as I remember/find the time.

Other goals I wish to accomplish in 2013 (or resolutions, if you will):

• Cut waaaaaay back on smoking, if not completely quit altogether (already doing pretty well on this – I’m not even smoking every day anymore.)
• Eat more “clean” foods, switch to mostly organic where I can afford it (already started on this by switching to organic milk and juice, as well as buying most of the “dirty dozen” produce items organic – apples, pears, etc. It’s the meat I can’t seem to bring myself to spend the extra money on…)
• Continue to cook dinners on the regular

There are lots of other things I want to work on this year in my never-ending road to becoming a Real Live Adult, and most of those are emotional/social and, to be honest, I don’t feel like diving into right now, but I’m sure I’ll get there soon.

What are your goals and/or resolutions for 2013? Which of these is your number 1 priority?

Short Hiatus, Life Overhauls and Adventures in FitBit-ing

I can’t believe it’s been almost 10 days since my last update. I had so many things in my head that I wanted to write about and couldn’t find/make the time to sit down and type them out – so, poof! They’re gone! I should start toting a small notebook around with me to jot down ideas as they come to me… or I suppose I could just utilize that whole “notes” application on my iPhone.

For a while now months now I’ve been feeling like I need an overhaul on.. well.. my life. I posted a list of things I wanted to do/be/accomplish – I’m thinking now may be a good time to review those and see where I am.

Here were a few of the things from my list I posted:

1.       Get at least 7 hours of sleep nightly, and be in bed no later than 1am on weekends, midnight on workdays

2.       Plan meals for the week and shop for that menu

3.       Be more active in general

4.       Workout in the morning before work

5.       Spend Saturday mornings vacuuming/dusting/running laundry

6.       Save more $$

7.       Cut back on drinking/smoking

8.       Make more time for myself and doing the things I enjoy

Number 1: If I’m going to be honest with myself (and we’re all about honesty here – most of the time) the only thing on this list that I have really, truly, successfully accomplished is number 1. I regularly get 7 hours of sleep. 95% of the time I am in bed by midnight on work nights and 85% of the time I am in bed around 1am on weekends.

Number 2: I’ve been terrible at planning meals. There have been weeks here and there where I am on top of it and get it done, but mostly it’s a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type deal when it comes to dinner. The positive side: I have been regularly cooking and we order out maybe once a month these days, if that. That’s HUGE. We used to order pizza or Chinese at least once a week.

Number 3: I did really well on this at the end of the summer and into the fall. We were even occasionally getting lunch-time walks in once the weather turned colder. Then the holidays hit. On the weekends I do okay – lots of running up and down the stairs doing laundry and whatnot, but the week is pretty pitiful. Oh, and I pretty much quit exercising at the end of October. Because I’m awesome like that.

Number 4: This never happened. Not even once. Being able to get up at 6am to workout and shower before getting myself and my children ready for the day would require not being a social addict – ie: staying up until midnight drinking beer/wine and smoking while chatting with husband and/or various friends/family. HA! Fat  chance. I’m pretty depressed about this, actually. There’s just absolutely no reason other than total immaturity and selfishness that I can’t go to bed at 11pm and get up at 6am to do something good for my health, sanity, and body image. We’ll work on this.

Number 5: HA! Ha, I say! This falls along the same lines as number 4… only number 5 did at least happen a few different times. Nothing close to on-the-regular, mind you. Again it comes down to being willing to not make social time priority until the wee hours Friday nights in order to be able to get up and function on Saturday mornings.

Number 6: We are getting there. Slowly, but surely. We’ve cut back on eating out a LOT. I’m more conscious of my spending on groceries, and have cut back on going out to bars/restaurants for socialization quite a bit as well. We’ve had several new financial responsibilities pop up over the last 6 months, so nearly all of the money we’re saving on our cut-backs are being funneled to that – but a small portion does go into savings. This is a process, and I am definitely the biggest culprit when it comes to careless spending but I’m working hard every day to fix that.

Number 7: Since the weather has gotten significantly colder (and also since the baby got sick and then I got sick), it’s been easier not to smoke as much (7 cigarettes in the last week!). I’ve cut back on drinking compared to the summer. Again, not quite as fun to sit on your porch with a cold beer if it’s 28 degrees outside. I’m being much more responsible with it though.. slowly, ever so slowly, working toward those get-up-early goals listed earlier. Baby steps.

Number 8: ….  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!! No, but seriously. I need to get on this before I reach the point where my husband will have to have me committed. I feel like this will be so much easier to do once I start getting everything else in my life/home organized and in order. I won’t have to feel guilty about taking time for myself because I won’t have to worry that I’m leaving Mike behind with whiney, messy children and a pile of housework on top of it. I also need to dump the Mommy Guilt and realize that I cannot possibly be the best wife and mother I can be if I’m run ragged all the time. Truth?

So I guess it is safe to say I am still working on all of 8 things to do/be/accomplish. And those 8 things were just a sampling from the list I wrote out back in June. I don’t feel like I can/should add anything at this time. I’ll just work on mastering at least one other thing from the list, aside from the getting enough sleep. But I’m leaving that one on there because, even though I know 100% is not necessarily a realistic goal, I feel like I should at least be at 98% for work nights AND weekends. Maybe I should explore why I feel like I’m somehow “missing out” on fun things if I take care of myself by going to bed at a decent time. (Can we all say “issues”?)

Last week I procured an item which I believe will help and encourage me in my “being active” – I got a FitBit from a friend, and have been wearing it religiously since. I never realize how little I moved during the day until now. 10,000 steps a day.. yeah, nowhere close to that. Even on weekends. Eesh! It also tracks my daily calorie burn which has been EXCELLENT since I obviously am not a very active person. My average burn is around 2200 – this led me to the realization that I need to push my calories back down to 1800/day. So far so good. We’ll see what the scale says tomorrow. The only bad thing is that it can’t track things like weight lifting, for example. But I track that on MFP which is linked to my FitBit! Nice, eh?

Since we are reaching the end of the month, I will do a quick review of my December goals (spoiler alert: none of them were met):

• Focus on healthy eating - not an entire fail, but there were lots of sweets indulged in (and continue to be indulged in. C’MON JANUARY!!)
• Implement simplified fitness routine - *loud buzzer noise* FAIL
• Start doing yoga with James – I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for this one. Absolute and total fail and I think a lot of the issues we had with him this month could have been resolved by just making this happen, even if it had only been once or twice a week. *sigh*
• Get those burpees in for 100 burpee challenge – I did excellent on this for the first 15 days. Then the baby got sick. Then I got sick. Then Christmas happened. FAIL.

It’s okay. We aren’t just coming up on a new month, we are coming up on a new YEAR. I am still young, and still have plenty of time to seize my destiny!! A little dramatic? Perhaps. I'm hoping to really get a firm grasp on what it means to be a Real Live Adult in 2013. And, as always, I shall be spewing about that journey here. As sporadic as the spewing may be. Stay tuned!

Positive Thoughts

A good thing about losing weight slowly is: limited stretch marks.

Normally I would have them all over my hips and thighs. Not so this time around since I'm going at a snail's pace a slow, but steady pace.

Real update coming soon, Dear Readers. Have faith in me.

Priorites. I don't got 'em.

Soo-prise! Soo-prise!

Guess what didn’t happen last week?! 30 Day Shred.

Instead, on Thursday, I drank 4 glasses of Malbec and watched the meteor shower. Then Friday… I can’t remember what I did Friday. I think just sat in front of the tv. Saturday during the day I did Christmas baking and tried to get the house organized. Sunday… I did nothing. I thought about working out for a brief moment, and then decided a nap would feel better.

Priorities. PRIORITIES!

My Christmas treat splurges led to a 1 lb gain last week, as well. Pretty bummed about that. That week of being under 190 was pretty fantastic… but alas:

Official weight @ 12/14/2012: 191 lbs.

This week, the baby has been super sick. This also means I'm functioning on very little sleep. How little? Let's just say I seriously considered just doing 30 Day Shred at 3am the other morning.. just to "get it in". That would never be a good idea, and would only seem like a good idea when either a) totally drunk, or b) totally sleep deprived.

Some good news: I've only had 1 cigarette in the last going-on 4 days. I didn't make a conscious effort to quit, nor am I deciding to make any conscious quitting effort - but if I can get through this week/weekend without feeling the need to suck down half a pack of cigarettes while consuming alcohol, we'll go ahead and call it "success".

Another unexpectedly positive side-effect of baby sickness: I have eaten under 1800 calories all week. Which is honestly where I probably should be since I haven't been active, like, at all for the last 6 weeks. Almost all of those foods have also been healthy, whole foods. GO ME.

But seriously... I need Nolan to recover from this Dreaded Sickness. We're all miserable and exhausted and about to seriously lose our cool over some really superficial stuff. Me especially. I wanted to punch a wall when I realized someone had eaten the last hamburger bun today. I mean, I'm a pretty high-strung person, but that's pushing it even for ME.

I think I've reached this point where I'm pretty much just going to try to push through the Holidays without gaining 10 lbs, and pick back up that whole exercise thing after the New Year. Perfect time, right? If I get the random motivation to start 30 Day Shred between now and then, then so be it. But I'm tired of beating myself up over it when things are so busy and stressful. Part of this feeling is a bigger more helpless feeling that what I've gotten into here - but that's a whole other post which will probably go up later this week.

Stay tuned!

Thoughts and Prayers

I'm sure most of you have already heard, read, and seen all you can possibly take of the tragic events that happened on December 14th in Newton, Connecticut.

The only thing I will say here is: thoughts and prayers for all of the victims, families, and community of Newton. But, I would also like to say thoughts and prayers to Ryan Lanza, who has also lost two of his family members and is probably dealing with an unimaginable amount of anger and hatred toward him for his brother's actions.



For my own sanity, I will be returning to my regularly scheduled blogging after today. Life must go on, and I've spent the last three days mourning over this event.

Calipers and Estimated Body Fat %

I went ahead and purchased a body fat caliper this week. For $5 I figured “Why not?” and it’s a heck of a lot more accurate than trying to calculate on tape measurements alone.

Official Estimated Body Fat Percentage @ 12/12/2012: 32.5%

I will take it again January 1^st to get my beginning measurement for 2013 – the year during which I will meet my goal weight of 160 lbs. I hope to also reach my goal body fat percentage in 2013 – that number currently being 24%. 

Wednesday on my lunch break I went ahead and picked up 30Day Shred and am hoping to start it tonight. I use the word “hope” because Mike has a work function this evening until 8pm and so I will be in charge of getting both the children to bed. I was also in charge of this seemingly easy task last night, but when you have a child like James… few things in the world of parenting are easy. Mike went out to get a new suit jacket for this event tonight… he didn’t home until after 10pm. James’ bedtime is 8pm. We began our bedtime process with screaming and yelling a our first time-out right around 7:45… our last time-out finished just before 9:30… and the BILLIONS OF MILLIONS OF TRILLIONS of questions finally stopped shortly before 10.

*dies*

So I hope to start 30 Day Shred tonight – but this will only happen if I can actually get James to go bed when he’s supposed to go to bed. Because I’m not crazy enough to start a workout at 10pm. No thank you.

If all else fails, I’ll get it started Sunday or Monday. (Famous last words)

Halfway, Lazy Workouts

Yesterday I ate so many Christmas treats it was ridiculous. I had finished dinner and had barely any calories to spare, but this did not prevent me from indulging in the deliciousness that is Danish butter cookies.

You know the kind. They come in that delightful blue tin, you can only find them around this time of year. Pure. Heaven. Their only saving grace: they are made from real ingredients. No high-fructose corn syrup or partially hydrogenated soybean oil in these suckers. Just wheat flour (notice how I did not say “bleached” or “enriched”), butter, sugar, coconut, eggs, salt, baking powder and vanilla. I wish I could say the same for my other splurge: See’s candies. There is currently a three pound box of those evil things living in my office kitchen. I’ve been pretty good about only eating 3 or 4, and trying to go mostly with the DARK chocolate variety… but when you’re talking 210 calories of assorted chocolates a DAY. Well, that adds up. And even dark chocolate loses it's nutritional positives when it's filled with ooey, gooey, chewy, nutty yumminess inside.

Part of me feels like, “Hey, it’s the holiday season. It’ll be over in less-than-two-weeks. This is about the only time of year you really indulge on sweets. Give yourself this.” But then I remember that I can’t even give myself the “you earned this” excuse – because I haven’t earned it at all! I’ve been completely off my exercise routine for nearly 2 months now! Now, if I had been working really hard, keeping up with my routine, upping my weights, etc etc – YES. EAT THE CANDY. I would deserve this splurge! But I haven’t done any of that. I’ve been supremely lazy.

So I’m logging my calories, I’m realizing I will probably also have a beer or a glass of wine (or two) at my mom’s later in the evening and that will add a couple hundred more calories to my already almost-limit… and then, there it was, out of nowhere: an ever-so-slight glimmer of motivation to get off my butt and put down the cookies and go workout.

I started by banging out my 11 burpees for the day (SO. HARD.). I had to break them up into 2 sets, but I got them done. Then I sort of goofed off for a few minutes while I got James into the bath. But THEN I put my workout clothes on, headed to the basement, and thought to myself, “Today I start my simplified workout plan.”

…but I had left my phone upstairs. Which is where I have my notes for my simplified workout. And I was too lazy to go all the way back up to my bedroom to get it. Surely I could remember it – no big deal.

WRONG.

My brain doesn’t function as well as it did before birthing another child and then dealing with two children on a daily basis. Ie: I can’t remember anything. Ever.

So I did about 5 minutes of HIIT doing fast jumping jacks and then jogging in place for my “rest” – 30 seconds on, 15 seconds off. Sadly enough this made me feel like I was going to die. Then I followed that with 2 supersets of 10 squats/push-ups and then some abdominal work. I did a little stretching to wrap it all up, which made me realize I need to get on that yoga kick soon – my flexibility is so bad right now. All-told, I did about 20 minutes of vigorous exercise. Nothing to get too excited about. But at least I did it. I got it done. I didn’t really push myself (with the exception of the burpees and HIIT – all 7 minutes it took to do those things lol). Laziest. Workout. Ever. But at least I did something and I’m feeling those push-ups and abs a bit today which means it was enough to get things going again.

I’m super mad at myself for going so long because now it feels like I need to start all over. As much as I hate her, I’ve really been thinking about doing Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred. I’ve seen so many amazing results from some of my MFP friends, and the forums are full of 30 Day Shred success stories. Plus it’s a 5-6 days a week thing with workouts clocking in at around 20-25 minutes. Short workouts, combined with near-daily workouts might help me get better about “sticking with it”.

Or it could just be a waste of $6. They are on YouTube for free… but I have a really old computer with a small screen and would rather just “waste” my $6.

Who knows?!

Anybody out there tried the 30 Day Shred? Thoughts? Advice? 

Little Victories

Friday I stepped on the scale to see:

Official weight @ 12/7/12: 189.8 lbs

It’s not by much, but this is the first time I’ve been under 190 lbs since Fall of 2009. That’s 3 years. I’m pretty excited, especially after stalling in the 190’s for almost 6 months.

Non-Scale Victory: wearing my size 16 Gap jeans that at my goal weight were my “fat” pants, then became my “just fit” pants when I started gaining after my wedding. I haven’t been able to fit into these pants since late 2008/early 2009. Not only do they fit, but they fit comfortably. I’m feeling super stoked about this.

I hope all of this will act as motivation to work hard to eat clean more often. Aside from Taco Bell on Tuesday last week and a few minor splurges on Christmas treats, I did really well with my food choices. My Qdoba addiction is still strong, but I don’t feel like that is nearly as bad because it’s FRESH food at least – not total frozen processed crap… just a-little-bit-processed crap. lol

The 16 danish butter cookies last night may have been a little extreme... but they still fit into my calories for the day, amazingly enough. 

Here we are, the second week into December and I still can’t seem to get back on the exercise bandwagon. I’ve reached another “I don’t wanna” phase. And now I’m looking for the quick fix. I’m on the lookout to spend money I shouldn’t on workout DVDs, books, etc. Maybe it’s about me finding something fun I will actually stick with, but most of the time I think it’s just another Jess-starting-something-she’s-never-going-to-finish type thing. That seems to be the only thing I’m actually really excellent at: finding some project or goal, starting the process, and then quitting part of the way through.

I’m not doing so hot on the burpee challenge – on the weekends I always forget, and then the catch-up kills me. I had to do 17 on Sunday in order to catch up to the challenge day. I did 6 in the morning, and then could only get through 3 later in the day. I think 9 or 10 is where I tend to putter out. But you know what? I’m going to do those 10 every day until I can push to 11… maybe this challenge for me is more about seeing if I can just do burpees for 100 days – not necessarily being at a fitness level where I can bang out 100 burpees in one day.

I walked again at work today. I kept hearing how bad this winter was going to be since last winter was so mild, and, yes, we have already had some really bitter-cold, nasty days. But for the most part, it’s been pretty tolerable. This is good since these short walks on my lunch break are about the only activity I’m getting lately. Warm weather or not, the shorter daylight hours are killing me and my fitness routine. I’m proud for the small improvements I’ve made on my food choices and eating habits, but I know that exercise is an important piece to this lifestyle change, and I still stress over feeling like I’m almost a full year in and there’s no reason I shouldn’t/couldn’t have hit my goal weight by now. The only thing holding me back is me and my lack of willpower to make myself do what’s healthy and best for my body.

Speaking of stress – I put one of my priorities and goals for this month to do stress-relieving activity and to spend more time with James in doing those activities. I’ve done none of this so far and I am at an almost-constant boiling point. I’ve had more explosions and breakdowns in the last 2 weeks than I think I’ve had in the last two years with the exception of the 2 weeks during my pregnancy where depression hit me full force and I started counseling – and even that wasn’t as bad as this. Only this isn’t depression  so much as it is just outbursts of either anger or crying. In between I feel pretty okay, but it’s almost like anything can set me off. This just leads me back around to feeling like I need to just make myself exercise. I will feel so much better, my stress level will be much more manageable.

It’s almost like someone who’s bi-polar and won’t take their meds… you know it makes you feel better, you know it makes life easier, but you think somehow you can just be “normal” without it. And for me that is obviously not the case.

I’m hoping the new year will give me new hope and excitement to get this done. I won’t have a newborn baby, so there will no longer be that excuse. I’m hoping 2013 will bring lots of good changes for me and my life, but somehow I think the lengthening of daylight hours offers more relief and encouragement for good choices than anything else… and that is only 12 days away!

The Stress Toll

The piling and piling of stress that I didn’t even recognize as stress finally broke me on Monday, ending in a pretty pitiful mess of raging at my husband and saying terrible, mean things to him (…maybe that’s where James gets it from – not that he was there or anything!!), driving like a crazy woman as if I had a death wish, eating lunch alone at my mom’s house while crying into my burrito bol, and then finally going home to tearfully babble on and on about how I can’t do “this” anymore. What “this” is, I’m not entirely sure. I guess… everything, maybe?

It’s a pretty terrible place to be when you feel like you simply cannot “do it all” any longer. The realization that you never really could, were just sort of playing pretend at being a Real Live Adult, and that you have absolutely no tools to manage stress and depression while working full time, mothering full time, house cleaning full time, chefing (totally not a word) full time, taxiing full time - laundering, food shopping, schedule-keeping-up-with full time.

That’s like a 168 hour a week job…s.

It kind of makes me feel like I want to say: Fuck you, feminists. It didn’t work the way you thought it would. You wanted us (your daughters and granddaughters) to feel as if we COULD do it all… and now we are stuck in a world that tells us we SHOULD do it all. And by should, I really mean MUST.

Gone are the days where it was perfectly acceptable to expect one’s husband to be the sole provider for the family. My husband, personally, would have his feelings deeply hurt by that notion. As if it would take some miracle for him to possibly be able to handle the stress of being the only source of income for his family.

-.-

Do you see how sorry I feel for him? Can you FEEL my sorriness pouring through your screen? My OVERWHELMING SYMPATHY?!

Be a fucking man. There’s a reason it’s called “man-up” and not “woman-up”. You are the provider. You provide. It is what God intended for you. It is what biology designed you for. Quit being a whiney baby.

Oops. There I go, being mean again. Apologies.

This is not a “I should be able to stay at home if I want to” conversation, though. This is a “I do it all and I do it all all the time and am allowed to be upset about that once or twice a year when life is so overwhelming I just wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow” conversation.

I am allowed to feel feelings. And I deserve to be happy. The problem is: I have no idea what will make me happy.

I know coming home to a disaster of a home every night after work doesn’t make me happy. I know spending my evenings and/or my weekends making that home clean just so 24 hours later it will be destroyed doesn’t make me happy. I know having to squeeze in my grocery shopping at 9 or 10 o’clock at night or amid the madness of every other human being on the planet that does their grocery shopping at 10am on Saturday or Sunday morning doesn’t make me happy. I know staying up until midnight (or later) every night just to get some goddamn peace and quiet and then still getting up at 7 in the morning for work and/or my children doesn’t make me happy. I know cooking… makes me happy… but cooking the same 3 or 4 meals every week because the idea of trying to find an hour or two to actually plan out a menu and shop for that menu and then assume that my children would give me 45 minutes of peace after getting home in evenings in order to prepare the meals on that menu, none of which would ever happen – DOES. NOT. MAKE. ME. HAPPY.

Things that make me “happy” right now (I put these in quotes simply because they don’t make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork…I’m not sure if that really constitutes happiness):

-drinking lots of wine

-drinking lots of beer

-drinking lots of wine and beer

-sitting on my porch smoking cigarettes (so healthy)

-going out and being social, pretending as if I have no real responsibilities in life

-shopping (not for groceries)

These “happy” things are sad, sad happy things. Pitiful, sad happy things.

Part of me knows that if I would make a real effort to clean up my eating and do something physical daily, it would help to control these feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed - but when you're in the middle of all of that it seems a little hopeless. And to describe the intensity of the lack of motivation is nearly impossible. The lack of motivation is staggering.

Mike asked me the other night to really think on what would make me happy. That he would do anything he needed to do to allow me to do what makes me happy. But I don't know what that is. And I think about it, and it feels like all of the things I come up with are just really shallow and selfish things - and I think, those things won't really make me happy. It just seems like that would make me happy now because it's the opposite of everything I'm currently living.

So in feeling all of this, I called to schedule an appointment with my counselor... well, she apparently is not currently practicing. She's on an indefinite hiatus.

God must be testing me. This must be a trial to see how/if I can keep it together and not just lose my mind completely.

So on top of all of this crap, I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... the idea of facing the world was not an option. I worked from home, I hit from the world in my bed.. and I thought to myself, "This. This makes me happy." But that is definitely a lie. Being a big blob of do-nothing is not happiness. It's just having some time to myself... which I don't get much of out of either my own doings and because I live with 3 other people. So you know what I'm going to go do right now? I'm going to go take a shower. Because I can. Because right now there is no one else here that needs me to do something for them, or "watch this", or answer a billion questions. 

Little Gains

Official post-Thanksgiving weigh-in: 192.8 lbs

MFP no longer tells me I’ve lost 25 lbs… Because I logged my gain. Because I have to be accountable. Granted it was just a 1.6 lbs gain based on my official Friday morning weigh-in… and I am started my period this weekend which means water retention and probably some bloating… but I also know I’ve been seriously slacking not only with my exercise, but also with my eating habits. If you look at my MFP food diary, you’ll probably be slightly disgusted. I feel like I shouldn’t even pretend that I can give advice to other people on what they should be eating when I don’t even have the willpower to feed myself healthy foods. *so much guilt*

Tomorrow starts the 100 Burpee Challenge, and as I said in my previous post: at least there’s that. SOME kind of movement every day.

I am going to say on Monday I’ll begin my paired down exercise routine. I’d like to make a promise to myself and to my readers… but I won’t. Because I don’t care for breaking promises and my emotional health is a little all over the place right now which sometimes makes it impossible to focus on my physical health.

One thing that will be happening beginning Monday is: NO MORE LUNCHES OUT EVERY SINGLE DAY. Monday and Friday will be “lunch out” days, and all other will be eaten at home. I go to do some major grocery shopping on Saturday morning and Sunday night will be pre-preparing delicious meals to heat up for lunch during the week. This is the plan. I need to get it together, I need to make time. This needs to become a priority for me – not to mention the fact that cooking makes me feel so calm. It’s almost like meditation for me. I could use more meditation.

I did have a small victory today: I went for a walk at lunch. Even though it was only 50 degrees, and it only lasted for 10 minutes. 10 minutes is better than sitting on my butt all day. And it’s the most exercise I’ve gotten all week, so there’s that.

Well, I got distracted for a moment and lost my writing mojo, so I’ll end it here. But hey: 2 posts in one week ain’t bad, right? 

You Can't Ever Go Home Again

My goodness, you guys. It's been a helluva last 14 days... crap, I can't believe I waited so long to post. *sigh* I'm sorry.

So! Here we go, a recap on my last 2 weeks:

As I said in my most recent post, this year for Thanksgiving (since I wasn't busy popping out a baby) we went to Arkansas, where all my extended family is and/or gathers for the holidays. The time spent down there was wonderful. Being able to spend so much time with so much family is important to me, and it gave me a little bit of the break from work (and "real life" in general) that I was looking for and really needed. However, it felt like a short trip this time around even though it was only about a day less than usual, and the drive home was pretty nightmarish with a normally 7.5 hour drive, taking us close to 13 hours. 10 hours later it was time to get up and go to work/school/daycare for all of us!

Ugh.

I hadn't seen much of my extended family since Thanksgiving of 2010, and this year was a little strange for me. I don't know if it's because my stress level here in Virginia has been a bit higher this year or if I just am realizing that my grandparents aren't going to be around forever, or what - but I really had no desire to come back home. Seriously. Let my house, my job, my life, even my friends be damned. I just wanted to stay in Arkansas. Even though I couldn't honestly imagine actually living down there. Y'know, since I haven't in, oh, 20 years. Since I was 8. And things are certainly a bit different. It's funny how things don't seem quite as fresh and bright as they did as a kid - or even just a few years ago. It's true, you can't ever go home again.

I think I may just be looking for something different - maybe something a little slower. Maybe that's what draws me to the south. It's just a slower, more conscious way of living. Living for the sake of living, not for the sake of working. Not so much go, go, go all the time. I think it may be a case of "the grass is always greener" - maybe if I live somewhere different, none of the stress of real life could possibly follow me. We all know that isn’t true, and that philosophy that you can “leave behind” your worries is a big fat lie.

I ate like a total pig while we were there and couldn't seem to get my water in like I should have. I stepped on the scale the morning after we came home to reflect a 3 lb gain, but I'm almost certain that is water weight. Between the ridiculous amount of restaurant food and fast-food eaten and my period (sorry to the dudes out there reading) starting this weekend, water weight was bound to happen.

Non-Scale Victory: my Old Navy corduroy pants from 2010/pre-pregnancy 2011 not only fit, but are actually a little big now. My size 16 Gap khakis (which they don't make anymore and are the most flattering "business" type pants on me - go figure!) fit perfectly!! For my figure, Gap usually runs really small and I haven't been able to get in these slacks since 2009. Pretty exciting stuff.

So now that I've been all positive about my clothes... I can get negative on my body and my habits, right? I mean, I probably shouldn't... but I'm going to anyway:

The beginning of this month started out really well. I was sticking to my goals better than I think I have all year. Then getting ready for vacation happened, then the actual vacation happened, and even though that's only really about 2 weeks of being "out of it" on the health/fitness front, it feels like much, much longer. I was pretty positive in my last post, and this week I am feeling way down. It may be hormonal, but I feel like I should be kicking it in to gear with a little more consistency. One of my MyFitnessPal buddies posted a status the other day that said something along the lines of: You can only expect partial results from partial effort.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Okay, that may be an exaggeration... however, I definitely have only been giving this "getting healthy" thing a partial effort. I still eat fast food like it's going out of style, I'm lazy with getting my workouts in regularly, I've quit taking my walks since the weather turned cold (it's called a coat...and hat and gloves..), I'm getting out of control with my sweets consumption all over again, I feel like I've gained fat even though I'm maintaining weight and can still fit in my clothes, etc. etc. I know part of acting this way and feeling this way is the time of year. Winter is always really hard for me. I get so depressed and just want to sleep all day.

I know the negative inner-monologue doesn't do me any good either, but it's rough. I read through all these success stories on MFP, and I just keep thinking to myself, "That should be me. That could be me. If I could get it together."

I just need to motivate. Maybe I need to start doing my workouts in the morning before everyone else gets up. I hate waking up early and am a total night owl... but I also know it's hard for me to motivate for exercise when the kids need dinner and baths and bedtime stories, when the tv is on - beckoning me to sit with Mike on the sofa and settle in for the evening, when there's the possibility of going out for beers and bar food with friends. In the morning there aren't any of those things. It's just me. In the basement. With my weights and my stability ball.

Sidenote: I don't think I'm going to renew my gym membership since I haven't been since March - so I need to figure out a way to do HIIT inside at home. Purchasing a treadmill or elliptical right now is not an option, as I have no expendable income for that kind of stuff at the present time. If anyone has any good ideas, let me know. I suppose there's always running up and down the stairs. I used to do that when I first started one of Jackie Warner's workout routines... but if I'm going to seriously try to be getting up at 6am to workout, then running up and down the stairs might defeat my whole "no one is up to bother me" purpose. lol

I think another reason maybe I fall off the bandwagon so quickly with exercise is because I've been so focused on lifting... and you can't do that every day. I really need to work in things on my off-lifting days. Things like HIIT (as I mentioned above), yoga, just plain old walking. I think if I can make exercise an almost-everyday thing, I may be able to keep up with it a little easier. The trick there is to make sure I actually give myself true "rest" days and not get obsessed and overwork myself.

This all seems way more complicated than it needs to be. Maybe I should simplify for a couple months.. until we get through the roughest part of winter. Instead of going through these intricate weight training/circuit training routines, just make myself to commit to planks/side planks, squats/deadlifts, push-ups/dumbbell rows 3 non-consecutive days a week, 15-20 mins of HIIT 3 times a week and yoga 2 times a week. So it would look something like this:

• Mon/Weds/Fri: Strength followed by HIIT - 15 minutes each
• Tues/Thurs: Yoga - 45 minute routine

Wow, doesn't that look EASY and NOT time consuming?! Totally doable, right?! 

Perhaps I will create a challenge... (because we all know how well that worked out the last time I did it HA!)

Oh! I almost forgot: I am starting a burpee challenge on December 1st. I'm not entirely sure I can even do one burpee... let alone work up to 100. But let's face it, even if I can only do one or a few, that is some sort of exercise I'm getting every. day.

How are all my readers faring with the sad winter weather? Is it affecting your motivation and healthy habits?

Unexpected Milestones

I weighed-in on Friday...

Official weight @ 11/9/2012: 191.2 lbs

That’s a 2.8 lbs loss from the previous week! MyFitnessPal informed me that I have now lost 25 lbs since January 1st.

I just realized this week that that means I am halfway to losing 50 lbs!!! I honestly never really thought it would happen. I thought for sure I would fail, and I'm currently struggling with allowing myself to recognize that this is a BIG DEAL. I'm allowed to be proud of myself, and I'm not allowed to dismiss this simply because it took me almost a year instead of 4-6 months. 25 lbs in 9 months is still a loss and because I'm losing slow and steady, the likelihood that I'll be able to keep that weight off is good.

There is part of me that still worries I will stick in the 190's for a long long time just because I feel more comfortable here than I was at 216. It's weird. I'm also concerned that when I reach goal weight (165-170), that I will still feel like I should lose more. Ugh. That would just be awful. But it's a very real concern - I mean, when you think about dedicating 7 years (on and off) to losing weight, how do you just flip that switch from "lose" to "maintain"? I think it will be a real struggle, but a struggle I'm forward to dealing with since that will mean I'll be back at a healthy weight!

So far so good on my November goals (with the exception of the consistent blogging!). I’m getting back on track with my training routine. This is week 2 (again) of Rachel Cosgrove’s Female Body Breakthrough. I got through Phase I only to promptly get sick and lose my motivation for most of the month of October. My current plan is to try to go ahead and move into the Phase II workouts starting tonight and see if I can push through. Even with heavier weights the Phase I workout doesn’t really feel challenging for me and I’m getting bored with it. If I get bored I’ll quit, and I really don’t want that to happen. I’m also trying to finish reading Lou Schuler’s New Rules of Lifting for Women. I feel like I’m forever starting health/fitness books and either a) not finishing them, or b) taking FOREVER to get through them.

(PS – remember when I said I was putting together a training routine for Mike? Y’know, like 3 months ago? Well, I FINALLY DID IT! Now we’ll see if he’ll actually use it…)

Somewhat regular readers may remember me talking about “The French Don’t Diet” a couple months back… yeah, definitely never finished that book. It’s sitting on my nightstand with a bookmark sitting about two-thirds of the way through. I took some of the advice from the book, such as:

• Mindful eating
• Embracing full-fat dairy (as long as it’s eaten in moderation)
• Recognizing activity is just as important as defined exercise

I will say on that last bullet point: for me, I think defined exercise is important. I have a specific picture in my head of what I want my body to look like. It used to be this:

Now it is this:

And I cannot reach the latter without incorporating focused and serious strength training into my weekly activity and routine. The French don’t diet – but they also don’t strength train. So while I’m glad that eating delicious full-fat yogurt and drinking amazing 2% or even whole milk is actually good for me (again, in moderation) and has the added benefit of providing me with the additional protein I need to build lean muscle mass, as well as the big push for eating whole foods and not processed junk is excellent – unfortunately the whole mindset of living “French” isn’t necessarily going to get me to the body I want. I’m not sure that I’ll finish the book, but there are some excellent recipes in the back that I’m going to give a try – and much of the advice as far as nutrition and portion control is spot-on, as well as the focus on not feeling guilty over what you eat all the time. Have a damn pastry every now and then! Eat that chocolate! Drink that glass of wine! Sounds like an excellent idea to me.  I’m happy that I can delve into all this different research, observation and advice and be able to recognize what works for me and what doesn’t and sort of blend it all together into what is (hopefully) a better lifestyle for me.

Now to address the “healthier eating” aspect of my goals:

I’m continuing to cook more at home and Mike and I are working hard to eat lunch at home more often not only for the sake of our health, but also for our wallet! That’s been the hardest. There’s just something that’s not quite “the same” as going home for lunch – there’s something about going somewhere that makes it feel like we really were able to escape work for an hour. When we go home a lot of the time I just want to stay there. In front of the tv. And take a nap. It sucks to have to go back to work. I’ll get over it, I just need to start expecting to go home instead of expecting to go out.

As far as cooking, though, I’m loving it! Also now that the baby is eating solids (he refuses to eat baby food now… which is sometimes incredibly inconvenient, but what can you do?), I pretty much have to cook or there’s nothing for him to eat! I feel terrible about the idea of feeding him chicken nuggets, mac’n’cheese, and hot dogs on a regular basis… I did that with James, but I was also 21 and didn’t know any damn better. Now I do! Teach healthy habits early and you won’t have to struggle with it later, right?

Let’s hope so.

My stress level seems to be balancing out a bit. I think it’s because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel signaling the end of our 3 months of being busy all the damn time. Next week I venture south to Arkansas for see my extended family for Thanksgiving. We’ll be there the entire week, and I’m hoping it will be the relaxing escape that I’m looking for. It usually is.

The funny thing about the stress level lowering is that things are not really better with James. In fact, it seems like his meltdowns are intensifying lately. This is what his doctor told us would happen, though. The storm before the calm, if you will.

The level of crazy it reaches is sometimes staggering. I didn’t realize a 7 year old knew how to be so mean. Last week while Mike was out of town, during one of these episodes, he told me (repeatedly, screaming at the top of his lungs) that I was the worst mother ever and that ever since he was born all I ever wanted to do was hurt him. It honestly got to the point where I was crying and literally begging him to stop, to please be quiet. At which point he screamed “NEVER!” in my face. He continued to go on and on about how I would “never get to play Chutes & Ladders with [him] again”, how he never wants me to spend his free-time with him again, etc.

Then… after it was all over (and after a phone call from Big Mama (this is what we call my mom) and an in-person visit from Big Papa (my dad)), he touched my face and said softly, “Mommy, I love you and didn’t mean those things I said. I don’t know why I said them. You can play Chutes & Ladders with me anytime you want. I love to play that game with you. I’m sorry I said those things.” And, unlike an emotionally abusive adult who may be making the apology as a method of manipulation to make you stay with them, this child is really sincerely so sorry and tearing up as he tells you he doesn’t know why he said those things to you… because he really doesn’t know. He just knows he gets so angry and he doesn’t know how to get rid of that anger inside him.

It is emotionally and physically exhausting, but I guess I’m getting used to it.

Just another reason it’s so important for me to keep up with my exercise routine! It’s a powerful physical outlet, plus it allows me to escape into whatever music I’m listening to and not have any expectation on me.

I’ve thought lately about doing some yoga with James, to see if that maybe helps him feel calmer as well as giving him some kind of physical outlet. It would certainly help my anxiety/stress levels, as well as provide some additional non-lifting exercise to do on my “rest” days. Perhaps I should add that as a goal for December – do yoga with James.

Hope you all enjoyed my novel of a post! I swear I’ll try to be better… I would say I’ll post more next week since I’ll be on vacation – but if I were you, I wouldn’t count on it. Lol

Official weigh-in after scale-free October!

So sorry, Dear Readers. I was out of town last weekend. I thought I had posted about weighing-in before leaving, but apparently I did NOT. That must have happened in my dreams.

Official Weight at 11/01/2012: 194 lbs

So my official loss for scale-free October was approximately 1.5 lbs. This probably would have been a better number had I actually exercised. My measurements stayed the same, with the exception of my body fat percentage. Apparently, a couple pounds equals a little over a 1% fat loss... interesting. New estimated body fat percentage: 31%

I have a lot of things I want to post about but they are all sort of bouncing around in my head and I can't really form them into whole thoughts that make sense right now. Please stay tuned, and I will get you guys a real post soon!