Unexpected Milestones

I weighed-in on Friday...

Official weight @ 11/9/2012: 191.2 lbs

That’s a 2.8 lbs loss from the previous week! MyFitnessPal informed me that I have now lost 25 lbs since January 1st.

I just realized this week that that means I am halfway to losing 50 lbs!!! I honestly never really thought it would happen. I thought for sure I would fail, and I'm currently struggling with allowing myself to recognize that this is a BIG DEAL. I'm allowed to be proud of myself, and I'm not allowed to dismiss this simply because it took me almost a year instead of 4-6 months. 25 lbs in 9 months is still a loss and because I'm losing slow and steady, the likelihood that I'll be able to keep that weight off is good.

There is part of me that still worries I will stick in the 190's for a long long time just because I feel more comfortable here than I was at 216. It's weird. I'm also concerned that when I reach goal weight (165-170), that I will still feel like I should lose more. Ugh. That would just be awful. But it's a very real concern - I mean, when you think about dedicating 7 years (on and off) to losing weight, how do you just flip that switch from "lose" to "maintain"? I think it will be a real struggle, but a struggle I'm forward to dealing with since that will mean I'll be back at a healthy weight!

So far so good on my November goals (with the exception of the consistent blogging!). I’m getting back on track with my training routine. This is week 2 (again) of Rachel Cosgrove’s Female Body Breakthrough. I got through Phase I only to promptly get sick and lose my motivation for most of the month of October. My current plan is to try to go ahead and move into the Phase II workouts starting tonight and see if I can push through. Even with heavier weights the Phase I workout doesn’t really feel challenging for me and I’m getting bored with it. If I get bored I’ll quit, and I really don’t want that to happen. I’m also trying to finish reading Lou Schuler’s New Rules of Lifting for Women. I feel like I’m forever starting health/fitness books and either a) not finishing them, or b) taking FOREVER to get through them.

(PS – remember when I said I was putting together a training routine for Mike? Y’know, like 3 months ago? Well, I FINALLY DID IT! Now we’ll see if he’ll actually use it…)

Somewhat regular readers may remember me talking about “The French Don’t Diet” a couple months back… yeah, definitely never finished that book. It’s sitting on my nightstand with a bookmark sitting about two-thirds of the way through. I took some of the advice from the book, such as:

• Mindful eating
• Embracing full-fat dairy (as long as it’s eaten in moderation)
• Recognizing activity is just as important as defined exercise

I will say on that last bullet point: for me, I think defined exercise is important. I have a specific picture in my head of what I want my body to look like. It used to be this:

Now it is this:

And I cannot reach the latter without incorporating focused and serious strength training into my weekly activity and routine. The French don’t diet – but they also don’t strength train. So while I’m glad that eating delicious full-fat yogurt and drinking amazing 2% or even whole milk is actually good for me (again, in moderation) and has the added benefit of providing me with the additional protein I need to build lean muscle mass, as well as the big push for eating whole foods and not processed junk is excellent – unfortunately the whole mindset of living “French” isn’t necessarily going to get me to the body I want. I’m not sure that I’ll finish the book, but there are some excellent recipes in the back that I’m going to give a try – and much of the advice as far as nutrition and portion control is spot-on, as well as the focus on not feeling guilty over what you eat all the time. Have a damn pastry every now and then! Eat that chocolate! Drink that glass of wine! Sounds like an excellent idea to me.  I’m happy that I can delve into all this different research, observation and advice and be able to recognize what works for me and what doesn’t and sort of blend it all together into what is (hopefully) a better lifestyle for me.

Now to address the “healthier eating” aspect of my goals:

I’m continuing to cook more at home and Mike and I are working hard to eat lunch at home more often not only for the sake of our health, but also for our wallet! That’s been the hardest. There’s just something that’s not quite “the same” as going home for lunch – there’s something about going somewhere that makes it feel like we really were able to escape work for an hour. When we go home a lot of the time I just want to stay there. In front of the tv. And take a nap. It sucks to have to go back to work. I’ll get over it, I just need to start expecting to go home instead of expecting to go out.

As far as cooking, though, I’m loving it! Also now that the baby is eating solids (he refuses to eat baby food now… which is sometimes incredibly inconvenient, but what can you do?), I pretty much have to cook or there’s nothing for him to eat! I feel terrible about the idea of feeding him chicken nuggets, mac’n’cheese, and hot dogs on a regular basis… I did that with James, but I was also 21 and didn’t know any damn better. Now I do! Teach healthy habits early and you won’t have to struggle with it later, right?

Let’s hope so.

My stress level seems to be balancing out a bit. I think it’s because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel signaling the end of our 3 months of being busy all the damn time. Next week I venture south to Arkansas for see my extended family for Thanksgiving. We’ll be there the entire week, and I’m hoping it will be the relaxing escape that I’m looking for. It usually is.

The funny thing about the stress level lowering is that things are not really better with James. In fact, it seems like his meltdowns are intensifying lately. This is what his doctor told us would happen, though. The storm before the calm, if you will.

The level of crazy it reaches is sometimes staggering. I didn’t realize a 7 year old knew how to be so mean. Last week while Mike was out of town, during one of these episodes, he told me (repeatedly, screaming at the top of his lungs) that I was the worst mother ever and that ever since he was born all I ever wanted to do was hurt him. It honestly got to the point where I was crying and literally begging him to stop, to please be quiet. At which point he screamed “NEVER!” in my face. He continued to go on and on about how I would “never get to play Chutes & Ladders with [him] again”, how he never wants me to spend his free-time with him again, etc.

Then… after it was all over (and after a phone call from Big Mama (this is what we call my mom) and an in-person visit from Big Papa (my dad)), he touched my face and said softly, “Mommy, I love you and didn’t mean those things I said. I don’t know why I said them. You can play Chutes & Ladders with me anytime you want. I love to play that game with you. I’m sorry I said those things.” And, unlike an emotionally abusive adult who may be making the apology as a method of manipulation to make you stay with them, this child is really sincerely so sorry and tearing up as he tells you he doesn’t know why he said those things to you… because he really doesn’t know. He just knows he gets so angry and he doesn’t know how to get rid of that anger inside him.

It is emotionally and physically exhausting, but I guess I’m getting used to it.

Just another reason it’s so important for me to keep up with my exercise routine! It’s a powerful physical outlet, plus it allows me to escape into whatever music I’m listening to and not have any expectation on me.

I’ve thought lately about doing some yoga with James, to see if that maybe helps him feel calmer as well as giving him some kind of physical outlet. It would certainly help my anxiety/stress levels, as well as provide some additional non-lifting exercise to do on my “rest” days. Perhaps I should add that as a goal for December – do yoga with James.

Hope you all enjoyed my novel of a post! I swear I’ll try to be better… I would say I’ll post more next week since I’ll be on vacation – but if I were you, I wouldn’t count on it. Lol