Sometimes (okay, all times) when I’m sick I feel like I will
never get better. It’s cliché to say that men are babies when they’re sick, but
I’m probably worse than any man. While I don’t make anyone take care of me or
fetch me things or anything like that – I will moan, groan, shiver, and cry. I
cry a LOT when I’m sick. If I had to offer any kind of explanation for that, it
would be to say that I feel like my body is betraying me. Doesn’t my body
understand that I had a tennis date?! Plans for happy hour?! A date night with
my husband?! HOW DARE MY BODY DO THIS TO ME!
So I lie in bed or heaped under blankets on the couch and I
watch a lot of HGTV and cry.
I was sick last week, and while I chose to watch Orange Is the
New Black over HGTV this time, the crying routine was much the same. I cried
myself to sleep Tuesday and Wednesday. I cried over my lunch on Thursday
because I couldn’t taste anything (sinus congestion). Then Friday…
Well, I started feeling a little better Friday. I could
taste again (bonus), my fever had broken, I returned to work. I ordered a delicious
pizza to enjoy with my husband. I snuggled in to finish the last 2 episodes of
OITNB Season 2. I got halfway through the final episode. I checked Facebook
(which I often do while watching television and really should stop doing
because I often end up having to rewind whatever I’m watching several times to
catch things I’ve missed due to focusing too much on Facebook), and all of a
sudden came to this realization that I was so incredibly lonely. My husband is
sitting less than 10 feet away from me, mind you. But I am utterly and
heartbreakingly lonely. And no one understands me or “gets” me and I don’t fit
in anywhere and I don’t have any “real” friends and even my family drives me
crazy and my husband is either perfect or I hate him depending on the moment
and oh-my-god I have these two kids that depend on me to keep them safe and
happy and I don’t even know how to do that for myself and oh-my-god I could
have been something, I could have done
something with my life and instead I have a job I hate and I never play music
anymore and I’ve lost all my creativity and gotten fat and spend too much time
on social media and our government is terrible and the planet is dying and
everybody is rude and hateful and it’s all just… so… hopeless. And, what’s the
point? What’s the point of it all? There’s no point to all of this!
And so I cried some more. And Mike was like, “Dude, what’s
wrong?! Why are you so sad?!” and I went into this whole diatribe about always
being the odd-one-out and how I realize more and more that I don’t really
relate to anyone very well and I’m not sure if that’s a me problem or a who I choose
to spend my time with problem. And it was all SO! UPSETTING! I must have
cried for 4 hours. And at some point we picked a fight with each other (God
knows why?!)… and when I woke up Saturday morning my eyes were nearly swollen
shut from all the crying. And I slept so
hard. And I've wanted to do pretty much nothing other than sleep since. Unless it's after 9pm. Then I want to stay up all night doing.. nothing. Watching HGTV. (It all comes full circle...)
I think it would be safe to say that I'm pretty deeply depressed right now. And while I'm trying to talk logic to myself, to remember that this isn't going to last forever and if I take care of myself physically and mentally then I can be to a more "normal" place again soon - and, more importantly, keep up with those habits to avoid falling into a depression again.
But, let's face it, that's a pretty tough thing to feel is possible when you're in the Deep Dark Depression Place. Last night I, again, spent some time crying to myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I am helpless to stop. I don't know how and I don't have the tools. More and more I want to run away. I keep missing everyone in Little Rock and keep feeling like I just want to go back. I keep wondering if I just want to move there. I don't know if this is my own special kind of mourning response, an escapist attitude, or a legitimate need for change in my life and environment. I wonder constantly if this is just a "grass is greener" mentality. I feel like I have very little judgement on what's real and normal right now. I'm feeling incredibly lost. I think this might be the worst I've been since I started struggling with depression again in early 2013. I feel like in the past I've been very conscious and aware of my feelings and attitudes and what I needed to change and/or do to adjust them and help myself - but this is something completely different and suffocating. I want to sleep all the time, I don't really want to eat - nothing really sounds appetizing with the exception of a cookie, nothing sounds fun or exciting, I would go out with my friends but I can't really be bothered, I want to be drunk but I can't be bothered to consume enough alcohol to get me there (or I feel like that's just a terrible idea at all - something is obviously still working correctly in my brain to know that), I want to binge-watch tv or movies but as soon as I put something on I lose interest or become distracted by compulsively checking Facebook and/or Tumblr. Oddly enough I've been pretty focused on work and been productive in the office, but that's about the only fully-functional piece of my life at this moment.
I feel really detached from everything right now. I'm continuing to get out of bed every day and go to work like I'm supposed to, to buy the groceries and cook the dinner and do the laundry, to make plans and see friends and do activities, to spend time with my kids and my husband... but it's like I'm moving through jell-o or a thick fog as I do everything. And nothing is really enjoyable. It's just something that's happening to me. I'm not actually participating in my own life right now. I'm perfectly content to either be sleeping or just sitting and staring off into the distance for extended periods of time.
I will say I managed to go for a walk/run last night... and I'm not entirely sure how I motivated to get it done, but I just realized at one point I was feeling a lot of anger boiling up and decided I should just walk it out. The intention was just to walk, but I ended up running part of the way, too... had my heart not felt like it was going to explode I feel like I could have run forever. I've felt a little like that today; I just need to take a long walk or something before I explode and then go catatonic.
I have my weekly tennis date with my dad tonight, so I'll be doing that. I'm looking forward to it... well, as much as I really look forward to anything lately. But I don't feel negatively about it, so that's a plus?
Those of you that have been following my #365dayofchange have probably noticed I've been letting that slide majorly over the last few weeks. I've been regularly having to post 2, 3, and 4 days at a time. It hasn't been a priority for me at all and while some of that is probably the Deep Dark Depression Place talking, I think it's also partially a side-effect of not knowing when to let something go. The #100daysofchange challenge was fun and enlightening. I had a lot of followers and a lot of support. Maybe I should have moved forward with doing 100 days of something else, but instead I decided to pursue the same project for a full year... and while I made so many positive changes to my life and lifestyle during that first 100 days, I feel like the last 54 have been mostly a regression and stagnant at best. I'm not really changing in a positive way right now. I've barely been exercising. I'm only eating "better" because I don't really give a shit about food right now and it's just as easy for my to put salad in my face as it is to put french fries in it. And, so, if nothing is really tasty or appetizing, might as well consume something with nutrients, right? At least I can feel like I'm doing something for myself.
Maybe last night's walk/run was a sign that I'll jump back on the exercise bandwagon and by next week be miraculously in a better mental space. I sure as hell hope so. But then that brings up another problem for me, which is: is it normal to want to jump off a bridge after avoiding exercise for a week?
I'm pretty sure the answer to that is NO.
Also, I'm pretty sure I could not possibly be bothered to make the effort to actually jump off a bridge right now, so don't worry about me actually doing so. I mean, that would mean like deciding which bridge is high enough to actually be worth jumping off of, driving there, and then getting over my fear of heights long enough to actually jump. (I'm trying to have a sense of humor about this, but it's just coming off as kind of sick and twisted. Sorry for that!) Realistically I'd much rather just lie in my living room and stare at the ceiling indefinitely, which presents its own set of worries/problems.
Hey, but I'm not doing that, right? No. No, I'm not. I'm getting out of bed reasonably on-time and attending my job and feeding my family and behaving like a somewhat functional human being. And that's gotta be a positive somehow.
I think it would be safe to say that I'm pretty deeply depressed right now. And while I'm trying to talk logic to myself, to remember that this isn't going to last forever and if I take care of myself physically and mentally then I can be to a more "normal" place again soon - and, more importantly, keep up with those habits to avoid falling into a depression again.
But, let's face it, that's a pretty tough thing to feel is possible when you're in the Deep Dark Depression Place. Last night I, again, spent some time crying to myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I am helpless to stop. I don't know how and I don't have the tools. More and more I want to run away. I keep missing everyone in Little Rock and keep feeling like I just want to go back. I keep wondering if I just want to move there. I don't know if this is my own special kind of mourning response, an escapist attitude, or a legitimate need for change in my life and environment. I wonder constantly if this is just a "grass is greener" mentality. I feel like I have very little judgement on what's real and normal right now. I'm feeling incredibly lost. I think this might be the worst I've been since I started struggling with depression again in early 2013. I feel like in the past I've been very conscious and aware of my feelings and attitudes and what I needed to change and/or do to adjust them and help myself - but this is something completely different and suffocating. I want to sleep all the time, I don't really want to eat - nothing really sounds appetizing with the exception of a cookie, nothing sounds fun or exciting, I would go out with my friends but I can't really be bothered, I want to be drunk but I can't be bothered to consume enough alcohol to get me there (or I feel like that's just a terrible idea at all - something is obviously still working correctly in my brain to know that), I want to binge-watch tv or movies but as soon as I put something on I lose interest or become distracted by compulsively checking Facebook and/or Tumblr. Oddly enough I've been pretty focused on work and been productive in the office, but that's about the only fully-functional piece of my life at this moment.
I feel really detached from everything right now. I'm continuing to get out of bed every day and go to work like I'm supposed to, to buy the groceries and cook the dinner and do the laundry, to make plans and see friends and do activities, to spend time with my kids and my husband... but it's like I'm moving through jell-o or a thick fog as I do everything. And nothing is really enjoyable. It's just something that's happening to me. I'm not actually participating in my own life right now. I'm perfectly content to either be sleeping or just sitting and staring off into the distance for extended periods of time.
I will say I managed to go for a walk/run last night... and I'm not entirely sure how I motivated to get it done, but I just realized at one point I was feeling a lot of anger boiling up and decided I should just walk it out. The intention was just to walk, but I ended up running part of the way, too... had my heart not felt like it was going to explode I feel like I could have run forever. I've felt a little like that today; I just need to take a long walk or something before I explode and then go catatonic.
I have my weekly tennis date with my dad tonight, so I'll be doing that. I'm looking forward to it... well, as much as I really look forward to anything lately. But I don't feel negatively about it, so that's a plus?
Those of you that have been following my #365dayofchange have probably noticed I've been letting that slide majorly over the last few weeks. I've been regularly having to post 2, 3, and 4 days at a time. It hasn't been a priority for me at all and while some of that is probably the Deep Dark Depression Place talking, I think it's also partially a side-effect of not knowing when to let something go. The #100daysofchange challenge was fun and enlightening. I had a lot of followers and a lot of support. Maybe I should have moved forward with doing 100 days of something else, but instead I decided to pursue the same project for a full year... and while I made so many positive changes to my life and lifestyle during that first 100 days, I feel like the last 54 have been mostly a regression and stagnant at best. I'm not really changing in a positive way right now. I've barely been exercising. I'm only eating "better" because I don't really give a shit about food right now and it's just as easy for my to put salad in my face as it is to put french fries in it. And, so, if nothing is really tasty or appetizing, might as well consume something with nutrients, right? At least I can feel like I'm doing something for myself.
Maybe last night's walk/run was a sign that I'll jump back on the exercise bandwagon and by next week be miraculously in a better mental space. I sure as hell hope so. But then that brings up another problem for me, which is: is it normal to want to jump off a bridge after avoiding exercise for a week?
I'm pretty sure the answer to that is NO.
Also, I'm pretty sure I could not possibly be bothered to make the effort to actually jump off a bridge right now, so don't worry about me actually doing so. I mean, that would mean like deciding which bridge is high enough to actually be worth jumping off of, driving there, and then getting over my fear of heights long enough to actually jump. (I'm trying to have a sense of humor about this, but it's just coming off as kind of sick and twisted. Sorry for that!) Realistically I'd much rather just lie in my living room and stare at the ceiling indefinitely, which presents its own set of worries/problems.
Hey, but I'm not doing that, right? No. No, I'm not. I'm getting out of bed reasonably on-time and attending my job and feeding my family and behaving like a somewhat functional human being. And that's gotta be a positive somehow.
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