Dear Readers,
I know you probably got really excited about my regular
updates on somewhat interesting topics and personal struggles/experiences.
I’m sorry to have disappeared these last 8 days.
I just returned last night from an emergency trip down to Arkansas. My
maternal grandfather unexpectedly passed away on July 17th after
suffering a major stroke. This came as a pretty big shock to my family as he
had just beaten lung cancer a couple months ago and we were all hopeful
that he would continue to regain weight and strength and be with us for a few
years longer.
I left before dawn Saturday morning to be with my mom and
her family and attend the funeral services – which were beautiful. My dad gave
a wonderful eulogy that part of me wishes I had somehow recorded, even though
that probably would have been inappropriate. My cousin, Jill, and I spent some
great time together and bonded in a way we haven’t done since we were children. We even went running together a couple times and took a long walk one night - all of which proved very therapeutic for me.
While it’s a very sad time, everyone remained positive and upbeat and talked of
happy memories and told funny stories – there were lots of tears, but more
laughter, which I think speaks volumes about my Pa-paw and the life he lived and
the memories we made with him. It was hard to leave yesterday and come home,
even though I missed Mike and the kids a bunch.
I left my copy of the obituary in my guitar case (Jill and I
sang at the funeral service), which is currently still at my granny’s, but I
intend to share that once it comes home with my dad and sister on Saturday.
Granny did a wonderful job putting it together. I’ll also find a photo to post.
I wish I could put together a bunch of wonderful stories to
share with you all, but I’m just not ready to do that. I’m struggling a bit
with how to feel/how I do feel/how I should feel. I think in a lot of ways it’s
just not real to me yet. While this isn’t the first family member I’ve lost, it
is the first family member I’ve lost whom I was incredibly close to. My mom’s
parents were like an extension of my parents – they were more than grandparents
for me. And I think I’m just a little bit in shock right now and I’m afraid it
may be coming across a little bit to my friends and family like I just don’t
care or am in denial or something. I’m not. I’m just… in feelings limbo right
now. Sometimes I’m really sad, sometimes I’m really numb, sometimes I just don’t
want to talk about it, sometimes I feel at peace with it – as if something is
telling me “it’s okay, it was time, and it’s okay”. I’m sure at some point in
the near future it will all get very real for me and I’ll have a bit of a
breakdown. Then again, maybe not. Maybe I’ll just be okay and have my own quiet
mourning period.
For now, things will likely be “business as usual” on this
blog and my other social media outlets, as well as in real life. This doesn’t
mean I don’t care and it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m okay or unaffected. It just
means I don’t know how to feel so I’m just going to do the things I normally do
and see how it goes.
Thanks for reading,
Jess
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